Relationships and Age (May be Offensive To Some)

conniemaxwell5

This will probably not be a popular answer but I believe love is a verb, not a feeling. It's something you purposely give and do day after day, even when you don't feel like it and the other person doesn't deserve it. I don't believe in falling in and out of love. When you love with your whole heart, you just love, unconditionally. What we fall in and out of with people is physical, emotional and spiritual attraction and if that's what we're basing our relationships on, then we're setting ourselves up for failure. I think if two people understand the concept of unconditional love, they can be together forever. There are great times and hard times but love is what brings you through all of it.

tracieangeletti

Lots of responses! (Some angry too...)

Alright, I'm NOT interested in a relationship/dating or ANYTHING right now, for literally at least another decade. So that's that. I know I don't have ANY life experience, of course I wouldn't! I'm just curious to know what y'all think and so I asked this question.

I guess it all comes down to the fact that it depends on the couple themselves, and that they learn how to handle the dynamic of their respective families and the way it plays into their relationship. And I still strongly believe there's a power rule in a couple, and I don't buy into the 'We love each other and we're equal' view. Sorry.

As for me being narcissistic, or cynical, I'm just talking from what I've seen, which is very limited, since I'm not that old at all. Experiences will change me, sure, but I'm definitely willing to stand by my opinion that love has a motive.

If there is a motive it is NOT love. Like you said about your dad, you love him because you love him and you don't always have a reason or know why. Love is when your partners happiness and wants are just as important if not more important at times than yours. It's being so angry with them you could scream but also knowing that you fiercely love them regardless.

ldrosophila

if anything, i have to say that the OP has a fantastic vocabulary and writes very articulately for an 18 year old. so many other young people (and folks in their 20s/30s/40s and beyond) on MFP can't seem to string a sentence together. so, yeah. three cheers for you in that department

this is what i was thinking bagging on OP for being 18, but I think the OP is starting to get a pretty realistic grasp on relationships. Better than some of the flaky posts I've seen where these women are naively staying with abusive spouses.

OP its not cynicism its realism.

Not all relationships are abusive. I grew up being abused in my mother's poor relationship choices.

For myself I chose very differently, and took the time and awareness. And it is mutual love. Not a motive. I feel sad for anyone that can not believe that.

Maybe I should have worded that different at 18 I didnt even know what settle meant. I think the OP has a very mature and realistic views of relationships. There are women older who go into relationships with the "Knight in Shining Armor" fantasy, and cant see the relationship for what it is.

It's a shame to tear apart a thought simply based on age.

BusyRaeNOTBusty

When you are young and in love you think your partner is perfect. He's you're sole mate and you are going to be together forever. You get married. Hopefully as you realize he's not perfect, you can stay in love with him.

As you get older you realize that no one is perfect. Every one has flaws. When you find someone you love you identify flaws sooner rather than later. You make the decision on if you can live with the flaws, work around them or maybe even improve them. You are "settling", you are being realistic and careful.

BinaryPulsar

if anything, i have to say that the OP has a fantastic vocabulary and writes very articulately for an 18 year old. so many other young people (and folks in their 20s/30s/40s and beyond) on MFP can't seem to string a sentence together. so, yeah. three cheers for you in that department

this is what i was thinking bagging on OP for being 18, but I think the OP is starting to get a pretty realistic grasp on relationships. Better than some of the flaky posts I've seen where these women are naively staying with abusive spouses.

OP its not cynicism its realism.

Not all relationships are abusive. I grew up being abused in my mother's poor relationship choices.

For myself I chose very differently, and took the time and awareness. And it is mutual love. Not a motive. I feel sad for anyone that can not believe that.

Maybe I should have worded that different at 18 I didnt even know what settle meant. I think the OP has a very mature and realistic views of relationships. There are women older who go into relationships with the "Knight in Shining Armor" fantasy, and cant see the relationship for what it is.

It's a shame to tear apart a thought simply based on age.

Oh, I completely understand that a young person can be more mature than an older person. I am not tearing her apart based on age (I'm not even sure how what I am saying could be perceived that way). I am giving her leeway because of her age. Because I disagree with her. I'm not sure why disagreement is being interpreted as anger. I'm not angry. I just do not agree on many accounts. But, I was very mature for my age when I was young, I had no choice. I had to take care of myself, and had learned to do so when I was a child. I certainly knew more about people when I was 4, than my mother did as my parent (and she was in her early 20's), but I believed for a long time that she must know better because she was older and the parent. I still had a lot of developmental maturing and growing to do, everyone does. But, I learned through the bad experiences of my childhood (though I would have certainly preferred not to have "learned" that way, and I do not see the bad things in my childhood in any way as being good).

ldrosophila

This, and WOW! someone will never have a healthy relationship until they lose this attitude! Your life partner is just that. He/ She is your equal, and you stand by one another. Seriously way off!!!

Nope I dont think there is equality in relationships someone will always make more, provide more financially, provide more emotionally, provide more sexually, or vice versa. I accept that I'm more educated and will always be the bread winner. Not that I wouldnt love being a stay at home wife, but thats not what I chose with my current partner. He will never equal me in many respects just like I wont equal him.

When I first read this I wanted so badly to attack your way of thinking. However once i really thought about what you were saying and how, im assuming, you meant it I agree.

A relationship isnt about equality it is about a partnership each individual brings something the other does not have. It is the combination of both strengths and weaknesses that make a successful partnership and therefore a successful relationship...in my opinion.

I agree a yin yang kind of thing. I play off his strengths and he plays off mine. Where he is strong I am weak and vice versa. Sometimes the balance shifts towards him and sometimes it shifts towards me. Most of the time when we fight it's when the balance has been broken.

Kindone

Hell no. My motto was "If i can't have exactly what I hope for, I don't want anything at all." I waited and expected and I got exactly what I hoped for. No accident there. Don't drop your bar unless your bar isn't set for things that really matter.

docdrd

I only half jokingly say that I went from a 4 to an 8 or a 9 (on a 10 point scale) the day that I turned 25. The reason is that women my age stopped thinking about looks first and realized that I was a decent guy with big time earning potential (the result of going to good schools) who would treat them well, not hit them, not use drugs nor drink to excess, etc. So did they settle or just change their priorities? Not sure, but pleased that I moved up in their estimation :-)

Timshel_

I believe another perspective would be that you perhaps, become more realistic in your expectations, wants, needs and your priorities may change as time moves on and experiences are left behind you.

That is exactly what I wanted to say. Nothing can kill a relationship faster than the expectations of youth. So as you age you remove expectations from the equation and start seeing people as they are, for better and for worse, for rich and for poor, in sickness and in health....etc.

Seems legit to me.

iplayoutside19

This, and WOW! someone will never have a healthy relationship until they lose this attitude! Your life partner is just that. He/ She is your equal, and you stand by one another. Seriously way off!!!

Nope I dont think there is equality in relationships someone will always make more, provide more financially, provide more emotionally, provide more sexually, or vice versa. I accept that I'm more educated and will always be the bread winner. Not that I wouldnt love being a stay at home wife, but thats not what I chose with my current partner. He will never equal me in many respects just like I wont equal him.

When I first read this I wanted so badly to attack your way of thinking. However once i really thought about what you were saying and how, im assuming, you meant it I agree.

A relationship isnt about equality it is about a partnership each individual brings something the other does not have. It is the combination of both strengths and weaknesses that make a successful partnership and therefore a successful relationship...in my opinion.

Not only that. There is an ebb and flow to most successful marriages of people that I know. Not just who does the house work from day-to-day. But stuff like I was the lead parent when my wife worked on her Masters, and She was the lead parent when I did a lot of business travel, or when or if I decide to go back to school. It takes some long term planning for stuff like that. Equality in a relationship is never static.

stacetherainbow

I think you learn more about what really matters to you - and what you really need. And get better at finding it.
My second time around is amazing!

Topsking2010

A King never settles for less than the best!!!

hbrittingham

There is a little settling involved merely because as we mature we realize what is really important. When I was younger, I thought it was important to be with a pretty, artsy girl with a nice body who enjoyed biking around town and eating at weird little ethnic joints. I even married one. After she skipped out on my, I fell in love with a wonderful woman who, while attractive to me, is far from flawless. And she doesn't like all that stuff I thought was so important. But on a deeper level, we are two sides of the same coin and I couldn't be happier.

So, long story short, don't "settle" but do reevaluate what really matters.

I totally agree. When I was married the first time, I was 18 and had stars in my eyes, though they didn't stay there long. When we went our separate ways, I was 22 and already a bit cynical about relationships. I had some hard/fast rules on what I would and would not accept in a future spouse and went so far as to tell my live-in boyfriend at the time that if we were still lving together in three years with no plans to marry, let's agree we'll go our separate ways. I was 23 years old at the time and knew exactly how I wanted my life to go.

It didn't go that way. I married that live-in boyfriend when I was 25 and here we are 21 years later. We have had our ups and downs and there were times that I wasn't sure we would make it through. But then I realized that all of those ideals that I held so dear to me when I was young were not realities. What I do have is a husband who shares my core values and who loves me more than anything. We are each other's worlds, we are best friends and, yes, we are equals. We aren't equals in everything, there are many things that he does better than me and many things I do better than him, but we are equals in our relationship.

I didn't settle when I realized that my ideals weren't realistic, instead I decided that I am incredibly lucky. Not everyone can say that they are married to their soul mate, matter of fact, there are many people who don't believe in the "soul mate" concept. I think they would if they were to meet theirs.

iplayoutside19

This will probably not be a popular answer but I believe love is a verb, not a feeling. It's something you purposely give and do day after day, even when you don't feel like it and the other person doesn't deserve it. I don't believe in falling in and out of love. When you love with your whole heart, you just love, unconditionally. What we fall in and out of with people is physical, emotional and spiritual attraction and if that's what we're basing our relationships on, then we're setting ourselves up for failure. I think if two people understand the concept of unconditional love, they can be together forever. There are great times and hard times but love is what brings you through all of it.

All of this^

toothpastechica

its not settling (well for some it may be).. but I just think as you grow older your priorities change and what you look for is different than what you would have looked for when you were younger.

I agree with this. My hubby might not be the most "attractive" guy I have ever dated, but after dating a number of losers (and some good guys along the way) and a terrible breakup with a guy before meeting my now husband, I had my eyes opened to what I really want, and its not someone who will make me look good at parties, or who can financially take care of me (I'm too independent for that anyways), but my priorities shifted to finding someone who respects me, doesn't look down on me, who wants the same things out of life and is my equal partner who is genuinely happy when I succeed just as I am for him.

Of course I am not "older" compared to many, but I do think priorities changing have a lot more to do with who people "settle with" then them giving up of what they wanted.

BinaryPulsar

This, and WOW! someone will never have a healthy relationship until they lose this attitude! Your life partner is just that. He/ She is your equal, and you stand by one another. Seriously way off!!!

Nope I dont think there is equality in relationships someone will always make more, provide more financially, provide more emotionally, provide more sexually, or vice versa. I accept that I'm more educated and will always be the bread winner. Not that I wouldnt love being a stay at home wife, but thats not what I chose with my current partner. He will never equal me in many respects just like I wont equal him.

When I first read this I wanted so badly to attack your way of thinking. However once i really thought about what you were saying and how, im assuming, you meant it I agree.

A relationship isnt about equality it is about a partnership each individual brings something the other does not have. It is the combination of both strengths and weaknesses that make a successful partnership and therefore a successful relationship...in my opinion.

Not only that. There is an ebb and flow to most successful marriages of people that I know. Not just who does the house work from day-to-day. But stuff like I was the lead parent when my wife worked on her Masters, and She was the lead parent when I did a lot of business travel, or when or if I decide to go back to school. It takes some long term planning for stuff like that. Equality in a relationship is never static.

Right, but that's why it is equals because each person contributes in a way that keeps things going, and each person is there to catch the other one in times of need (not just financially, but emotionally as well), and the roles shift and change. And as far as equality goes, they treat each other as equals and do not feel that they are better than the other (as the OP is saying). I think people are projecting their own mature understanding onto the OP. What she is saying is not at that mature level of understanding. She is saying that everyone has a motive (not love) and that anyone that is happy in a relationship has either settled for less, or their partner has settled for less in them. She says that no two successful people can be in a relationship together. But, I suppose it all boils down to what her definition of success may be. That is an individual thing as well. Also when there are children involved that changes things as well, in a way that the OP does not understand.

Binkie1955

Oh my god, you are 18!!! My daughter is your age and she worries about the same stuff. please be patient with life. quick cut to 'you can't hurry love! with Diana Ross!! slow down girl. give god's plan the time it needs.

csheltra26

its not settling (well for some it may be).. but I just think as you grow older your priorities change and what you look for is different than what you would have looked for when you were younger.

This. My hubby and I met in our late 30's (neither had been married before) and we couldn't be happier.

Saucy_lil_Minx

This, and WOW! someone will never have a healthy relationship until they lose this attitude! Your life partner is just that. He/ She is your equal, and you stand by one another. Seriously way off!!!

Nope I dont think there is equality in relationships someone will always make more, provide more financially, provide more emotionally, provide more sexually, or vice versa. I accept that I'm more educated and will always be the bread winner. Not that I wouldnt love being a stay at home wife, but thats not what I chose with my current partner. He will never equal me in many respects just like I wont equal him.

Yeah, I beg to differ...my Mother, and Father celebrate 48 years tomorrow. It is, and has always been an equal partnership that has to be worked at. Marriage does not just happen. Of course you have different jobs within the relationship, however, it still working together towards a common goal equally. In a healthy marriage you both have to participate. If one partner is not holding their own weight it will never work. When my husband, and I first got married he was not working b/c of a lay off at his job. I worked full-time. He did all the cooking, cleaning, and home upkeep. We worked together for my two-step daughters. I did just as much with the children as he did, but he took care of the house. I worked (this is equal). When he went back to work I picked up half of the house work, and everything else stayed the same. By the way we sit and do finances together (this is still equal). When I became pregnant with our son, I quit work to be at home for his developmental years. I took over all house work, we still did banking together, and children activities after work still stayed the same (equal). I went back to work when our son was 2 1/2 yrs. old, and we went back to sharing household chores. (equal). We make all decisions about finance together (we have an allowance for weekly purchase such as gas, lunch, shopping) anything not in that category id discussed before buying. We do not have creditcards ( so no fudging on the allowance). Chores are split according to likes. I am not a cleaner, but my husband is...My husband does not do repairs (such as holes in the walls from kids), I do. I love to cook, but work later than him so he cooks mostly during the week. I cook on weekends, and on at least one week night) (equal), We trade off yard work, and so on....I am safe in saying WE ARE EQUAL, and we've been married 12 years. Not near the length of time as my parents, but we know we WILL get there b/c we know it takes work, compromise, trust, and understanding.

auntiebabs

I think it depends on who you are and how bad you want to be in a relationship.

It really does depend on who you are.
When I was 22 the thought of being single at 50 seemed mortifying, but I wasn't ever willing to settle. So, here I am, over 50 and I realize I've built a business, I've bought a home. I've been through life-threatening illnesses. and terrorist attacks and economic depressions. and I've done it on my own.

I've been through some tough stuff and done okay.
So if someone comes along and wants to play head games or make me feel bad about myself. Unless you are going to treat me with kinds and respect. I don't have much patience for you.

I have had some really wonderful relationships, that for one reason or another haven't worked out. I've kept in touch with way too many of my exes.

When I was younger my expectations may have been unrealistic. I expect let some opportunities go by the wayside, because I thought that there was something better around the corner.

Now I think.
1) We've got to be on the same team. And be concerned for each others best interests.
Which sometime means calling each other on our **** to foster growth. I don't want to someone who'll let me walk down the garden path or off a cliff. I don't want to let someone I care about get hurt either.

2)
I used to want someone who understood me... after all these years I,don't understand me. He doesn't have to understand me, but I do want someone who accepts me
I've got to be accepting as well. I have to realize that his every action is not a reflection on me. That he's going to have interests or friends or clothing that I can't comprehend.