Relationships and Age (May be Offensive To Some)
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Lots of responses! (Some angry too...)
Alright, I'm NOT interested in a relationship/dating or ANYTHING right now, for literally at least another decade. So that's that. I know I don't have ANY life experience, of course I wouldn't! I'm just curious to know what y'all think and so I asked this question.
I guess it all comes down to the fact that it depends on the couple themselves, and that they learn how to handle the dynamic of their respective families and the way it plays into their relationship. And I still strongly believe there's a power rule in a couple, and I don't buy into the 'We love each other and we're equal' view. Sorry.
As for me being narcissistic, or cynical, I'm just talking from what I've seen, which is very limited, since I'm not that old at all. Experiences will change me, sure, but I'm definitely willing to stand by my opinion that love has a motive.
i think that the term "settling" is a misnomer. what actually happens as you get older is that the characteristics you value in another person change. when i was 18, it honestly didn't matter too much whether i could hold an interesting 3 hour conversation with a woman. now it does. there are all sorts of traits that you look for when you are 18 that end up not being as important when you're 30 or 40 or 50 years old, and vice versa.
so you don't "settle", you simply get wiser about the things that truly need to be there in order to find long term compatibility with somebody else.
In the eyes of someone else, you may be settling. But in your eyes, you're content with what you've got. It's a matter of perspective, I guess.
Because at 18, you know more than someone that is 50?
I was just restating what I understood from the commenter's post, to communicate to him/her (can't recall) that I am trying to better understand the situation.
Oh, I see. You just very much misunderstood what the person was saying?
I guess I misunderstood what you were saying.
If you were reiterating what the other person said, you did very much misunderstand what was said. Because it sounded like you were saying that the poster had settled and was not aware of it.
Uhm the 'you' was meant as a general you, not towards the commenter.
Sorry, I just re read what you said a few times and I see what you were saying. I did misunderstand what you were saying. I understand now and it does make sense. You just worded it in a way that I could not understand because you just are seeing it from a very different perspective (but I understand that now).0 -
Lots of responses! (Some angry too...)
Alright, I'm NOT interested in a relationship/dating or ANYTHING right now, for literally at least another decade. So that's that. I know I don't have ANY life experience, of course I wouldn't! I'm just curious to know what y'all think and so I asked this question.
I guess it all comes down to the fact that it depends on the couple themselves, and that they learn how to handle the dynamic of their respective families and the way it plays into their relationship. And I still strongly believe there's a power rule in a couple, and I don't buy into the 'We love each other and we're equal' view. Sorry.
As for me being narcissistic, or cynical, I'm just talking from what I've seen, which is very limited, since I'm not that old at all. Experiences will change me, sure, but I'm definitely willing to stand by my opinion that love has a motive.
i think that the term "settling" is a misnomer. what actually happens as you get older is that the characteristics you value in another person change. when i was 18, it honestly didn't matter too much whether i could hold an interesting 3 hour conversation with a woman. now it does. there are all sorts of traits that you look for when you are 18 that end up not being as important when you're 30 or 40 or 50 years old, and vice versa.
so you don't "settle", you simply get wiser about the things that truly need to be there in order to find long term compatibility with somebody else.
In the eyes of someone else, you may be settling. But in your eyes, you're content with what you've got. It's a matter of perspective, I guess.
Because at 18, you know more than someone that is 50?
I was just restating what I understood from the commenter's post, to communicate to him/her (can't recall) that I am trying to better understand the situation.
Oh, I see. You just very much misunderstood what the person was saying?
I guess I misunderstood what you were saying.
If you were reiterating what the other person said, you did very much misunderstand what was said. Because it sounded like you were saying that the poster had settled and was not aware of it.
Uhm the 'you' was meant as a general you, not towards the commenter.
Sorry, I just re read what you said a few times and I see what you were saying. I did misunderstand what you were saying.
That's alright! It's hard to interpret meaning sometimes, since it's not face-to-face communication.0 -
That's alright! It's hard to interpret meaning sometimes, since it's not face-to-face communication.
Yeah! :flowerforyou:0 -
OP, one thing is for certain. People marry for many different reasons. Some marry because they are tired of being alone. Some married because they are afraid to be alone. Some marry for money. Some marry to escape their home situation. Some marry as a business transaction. Some marry because of social pressures. Some marry a "trophy wife". Some marry a "rich" husband. And yes, some like BinaryPulsar actually marry for love, no other reason. Some actually do "settle". But have hope, there are actually those like BP that marry purely for love. I am also one of those lucky ones. Every day I count my blessings and cannot believe I am lucky enough to have him in my life. Every day he counts his blessings and cannot believe he is lucky enough to have me in his life. We married when we were 30 and have been married now for 27 years. We did not need to marry. We both owned our own property and were quite happy with our lives. But our lives have been enriched because of each other. I hope someday you find that.0
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OP, one thing is for certain. People marry for many different reasons. Some marry because they are tired of being alone. Some married because they are afraid to be alone. Some marry for money. Some marry to escape their home situation. Some marry as a business transaction. Some marry because of social pressures. Some marry a "trophy wife". Some marry a "rich" husband. And yes, some like BinaryPulsar actually marry for love, no other reason. Some actually do "settle". But have hope, there are actually those like BP that marry purely for love. I am also one of those lucky ones. Every day I count my blessings and cannot believe I am lucky enough to have him in my life. Every day he counts his blessings and cannot believe he is lucky enough to have me in his life. We married when we were 30 and have been married now for 27 years. We did not need to marry. We both owned our own property and were quite happy with our lives. But our lives have been enriched because of each other. I hope someday you find that.
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Have you asked the person? Because this was your perception of the more qualified person...perhaps not the reality.To be honest, it was a topic of conversation among my friends and I, and everyone believed that the earlier proposals (potential spouses) were more qualified, more attractive, and overall, highly accomplished. Their potential in-laws were also more accomplished and accepting than were the current in-laws.0 -
I believe another perspective would be that you perhaps, become more realistic in your expectations, wants, needs and your priorities may change as time moves on and experiences are left behind you.
I believe so too0 -
OP, one thing is for certain. People marry for many different reasons. Some marry because they are tired of being alone. Some married because they are afraid to be alone. Some marry for money. Some marry to escape their home situation. Some marry as a business transaction. Some marry because of social pressures. Some marry a "trophy wife". Some marry a "rich" husband. And yes, some like BinaryPulsar actually marry for love, no other reason. Some actually do "settle". But have hope, there are actually those like BP that marry purely for love. I am also one of those lucky ones. Every day I count my blessings and cannot believe I am lucky enough to have him in my life. Every day he counts his blessings and cannot believe he is lucky enough to have me in his life. We married when we were 30 and have been married now for 27 years. We did not need to marry. We both owned our own property and were quite happy with our lives. But our lives have been enriched because of each other. I hope someday you find that.
Thank you! That is a really nice summation of the different reasons people enter a marital union. Congratulations on celebrating 27 years of a wonderful married life! :flowerforyou:0 -
Have you asked the person? Because this was your perception of the more qualified person...perhaps not the reality.To be honest, it was a topic of conversation among my friends and I, and everyone believed that the earlier proposals (potential spouses) were more qualified, more attractive, and overall, highly accomplished. Their potential in-laws were also more accomplished and accepting than were the current in-laws.
Actually no I haven't asked her, but this person literally had hundreds of proposals, and was SO picky, that she didn't like any of them. Not one! (Her parents were quite disappointed) And years later, she married the guy she's with now, and she seems really happy. So I guess that's really all there is to it.0 -
To be honest, it was a topic of conversation among my friends and I, and everyone believed that the earlier proposals (potential spouses) were more qualified, more attractive, and overall, highly accomplished.
It really doesn't matter if you and your friends think some guy (or some guys) were more "qualified, attractive and accomplished" because it is isn't about you. The cutest guy with the biggest wallet and the longest CV isn't always the best mate. He might be an insensitive jerk, or spend too much time working and not enough time relating to his partner. Maybe she likes hairy dudes and you don't.
In the end, as you said, what matters is her happiness, which is not something you and your friends are in a position to have intimate knowledge over (considering you are 18 and I can only presume this woman with a long history of proposals is somewhat older)0 -
To be honest, it was a topic of conversation among my friends and I, and everyone believed that the earlier proposals (potential spouses) were more qualified, more attractive, and overall, highly accomplished.
It really doesn't matter if you and your friends think some guy (or some guys) were more "qualified, attractive and accomplished" because it is isn't about you. The cutest guy with the biggest wallet and the longest CV isn't always the best mate. He might be an insensitive jerk, or spend too much time working and not enough time relating to his partner. Maybe she likes hairy dudes and you don't.
In the end, as you said, what matters is her happiness, which is not something you and your friends are in a position to have intimate knowledge over (considering you are 18 and I can only presume this woman with a long history of proposals is somewhat older)
Yeah she's in her forties now. And her parents said something to the effect of the words I stated above! They thought/still think their daughter deserves better, but they've resigned to the fact that she did what she wanted (rather than what they would have wanted) or so it seems.0 -
Om, No.
Infact I think the reason Im still single is cuz I refuse to settle, and men are such a let down
lol. That is comic gold, right thar.
Was thinking the same. The Taylor Swift syndrome, go through soo many guys and state how bad they are. Never once stopping to look at the mirror.0 -
Om, No.
Infact I think the reason Im still single is cuz I refuse to settle, and men are such a let down
lol. That is comic gold, right thar.
Was thinking the same. The Taylor Swift syndrome, go through soo many guys and state how bad they are. Never once stopping to look at the mirror.
The Taylor Swift Syndrome. Wonder if that's been UD'ed. If not, you should submit an entry for that. 0 -
OP, I'm going to agree with you that egoism is part of every human interaction - including romantic entanglements, including parent-child relationships. And that we are, actually, narcissists at bottom.
But it's unfair, and actually, inaccurate, to assume that this reduction represents the whole truth. What's missing from that picture is the subjective *quality* of attachment that accompanies the selfishness of most things we do and are. That quality is the 'I don't know why' you love your father. It's the same thing many posters here are trying to emphasize.
You can look at love from any vantage point you like - neurons, hormones, exchange theory - each offers an explanation for part of the story, but can never account for it in its entirety.
It's normal to be disappointed that love isn't 100% altruistic, but that is the mark of a romantic, not a cynic.
My point is - yes, love is partly selfish, but it doesn't matter. The net effect is, it feels good.0 -
For example, having a child is the most selfish thing a person can do, really. There's no more direct expression of the desire to extend the self, by genes, and legacy.0
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For example, having a child is the most selfish thing a person can do, really. There's no more direct expression of the desire to extend the self, by genes, and legacy.
While that may be the evolutionary driving force behind why certain traits flourished in people, the trait that usually causes someone to have children (other than a surprise) is the desire to nurture. The desire is so strong that we will raise and love children that are not even children we gave birth to (through adoption). The desire to nurture and raise children is what produces healthy, successful children. So, that is the trait that was naturally selected for.0 -
For example, having a child is the most selfish thing a person can do, really. There's no more direct expression of the desire to extend the self, by genes, and legacy.
While that may be the evolutionary driving force behind why certain traits flourished in people, the trait that usually causes someone to have children (other than a surprise) is the desire to nurture. The desire is so strong that we will raise and love children that are not even children we gave birth to (through adoption). The desire to nurture and raise children is what produces healthy, successful children. So, that is the trait that was naturally selected for.
The desire to nurture is the more proximate and salient mechanism, sure. But, it is about self-extension, too, I think even consciously, today. Consider how many people are willing to spend buckets of money and endure all kinds of pain for IVF treatment, and how many children (as young as 1 year old) go unadopted. Consider the pleasure of identifying one's own physical traits in the child (or, those of grandparents, etc). I haven't looked into it, but would be willing to bet that resemblance plays a role in attachment, too.0 -
I believe it is the opposite of what you said...when a person gets older, more assured, confident and knowledgeable they SHOULD become more selective of a Life Partner/Spouse. I know i have; I was in a long term relationship and I know now that I would never stay in a similar relationship, in fact now I can head it off at the "door", actually My Spirit and Mentality is such that I would not even draw that "Type" to Me. Experience is the Best Teacher.
It is Truly Best to be Alone and Happy, than with someone Lonely and Unhappy!0 -
OP, I'm going to agree with you that egoism is part of every human interaction - including romantic entanglements, including parent-child relationships. And that we are, actually, narcissists at bottom.
But it's unfair, and actually, inaccurate, to assume that this reduction represents the whole truth. What's missing from that picture is the subjective *quality* of attachment that accompanies the selfishness of most things we do and are. That quality is the 'I don't know why' you love your father. It's the same thing many posters here are trying to emphasize.
You can look at love from any vantage point you like - neurons, hormones, exchange theory - each offers an explanation for part of the story, but can never account for it in its entirety.
It's normal to be disappointed that love isn't 100% altruistic, but that is the mark of a romantic, not a cynic.
My point is - yes, love is partly selfish, but it doesn't matter. The net effect is, it feels good.
I agree; generalizations should not be made. I guess you're right- it feels good, and therefore the motives/reasons for it are not questioned. Perhaps that is why I never question why I love my father or why he loves me.0 -
For example, having a child is the most selfish thing a person can do, really. There's no more direct expression of the desire to extend the self, by genes, and legacy.
While that may be the evolutionary driving force behind why certain traits flourished in people, the trait that usually causes someone to have children (other than a surprise) is the desire to nurture. The desire is so strong that we will raise and love children that are not even children we gave birth to (through adoption). The desire to nurture and raise children is what produces healthy, successful children. So, that is the trait that was naturally selected for.
The desire to nurture is the more proximate and salient mechanism, sure. But, it is about self-extension, too, I think even consciously, today. Consider how many people are willing to spend buckets of money and endure all kinds of pain for IVF treatment, and how many children (as young as 1 year old) go unadopted. Consider the pleasure of identifying one's own physical traits in the child (or, those of grandparents, etc). I haven't looked into it, but would be willing to bet that resemblance plays a role in attachment, too.
I wholeheartedly agree that resemblance probably plays a role in attachment. This is also a topic of dissension among my friends and I- it disappoints me to see that so many children go unadopted while others are off having children of their own, while there are impoverished children alone in the world. Just as you come to love someone who is not of your own blood (most spouses aren't related in any way), why can you not come to love another child, who is not borne by you? A child whose heart is pure and his soul innocent; a child who has done no wrong and does not deserve to be in the position he is in currently.0
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