helping to motivate a spouse w/o being an a-hole
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tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »
To be honest, I wondered the same thing, and the OP is one of the few people to bother explaining it (he did earlier)
He explained one issue they've been having. It's just one small piece in a much bigger context of their life together. Considering all we know is part of this one issue, it's jumping to conclusions to say he married the wrong woman. My husband and I do not at all share the same interest in exercise or health. I am interested, he is not. Are we suddenly wrong for each other?
If he married you fat and suddenly has a problem with it, it's a good question (IMO)
The situation he described is like being a fly on the wall in the middle of a couple's argument. You know nothing about them apart from the brief, negative interaction they are having. It would be incredibly easy, if all you saw of that couple was fighting, to think they were clearly wrong for each other. But yet every single couple fights. We didn't even get as much information as a fly on the wall would get. We got a fraction of that. What makes couples strong is what they do after they fight. This couple was able to have great communication, explaining where each was coming from and how the situation was effecting each of them. This kind of communication is the mark of a healthy relationship. No relationship is the epitome of health. We all have some healthy aspects and some unhealthy aspects and OPs marriage doesn't seem any different. He came to post here discussing an unhealthy aspect of their marriage (which is really the communication) and they chose to address it by trading out their unhealthy communication with healthy communication. What is there to say that they aren't right for each other? Because they had unhealthy communication? Show me a marriage that doesn't, at times, have the same struggle (probably with different details) and I'll show you a sham.
I'm sorry, I don't really care what the answer is. And this is about the OP's marriage, not yours, or everyone person's on the planet. It's a valid question, and the answer is for the OP to figure out. They posted their question on a public forum, and the responses do not need to be one sided to pacify anyone
Overweight people do not always change overnight. An idea of a good time or stress relief won't always be a long walk, or an intense workout. Vacations will not always need some physically challenging hook to be worth it. Not saying that's always the case for thin people, but there are typically some lifestyle implications for someone carrying a few extra dozen pounds. One day it's not an issue, and then the next it is? What's happened? Again, I don't have what the answer is, but it's a good question, and worth asking or possibly pondering about if you're the one in this situation.
He asked how he could motivate her not whether or not we all thought he should leave her for not being the "one." Perhaps I have not made myself clear: I'm not saying they are or are not right for each other but that it's none of anyones business and not what he asked for. Telling him they are absolutely not right for each other, which is what the other poster said (if you look, it wasn't a question it was a definitive statement) is jumping to conclusions outside of the advice requested and outside of anyone's business or ability to reasonably and definitely state.0 -
Good call, all the people who mentioned possible asthma. I have mild asthma, but my biggest triggers are cold air and sudden exertion, and it tends to be very rapid onset with coughing but little wheezing- so I might go weeks or months without an attack, and then a jog in the first cold snap causes excruciating pain and panic. I remember once in the late fall thinking "oh, I'll get my last quarter mile in by jogging home from the gym" and winding up collapsing at the foot of the stairs, wheezing and coughing in to my cell to try to explain to my husband where my inhaler was, because I didn't think I could make it up two flights without losing consciousness.
A hit of albuterol is all it takes to clear it up for me, but before I knew that, I thought anybody who enjoyed outdoor cardio must be *crazy*.
Exercise-induced asthma might genuinely be preventing her from getting very far with her attempts- and when exercise causes real pain, not "good burn" pain but "my airway is closing I feel like I'm going to die" pain, it feels pretty insurmountable, especially if you don't realize that isn't normal. Another thing to talk to her doc about.0 -
tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »
To be honest, I wondered the same thing, and the OP is one of the few people to bother explaining it (he did earlier)
He explained one issue they've been having. It's just one small piece in a much bigger context of their life together. Considering all we know is part of this one issue, it's jumping to conclusions to say he married the wrong woman. My husband and I do not at all share the same interest in exercise or health. I am interested, he is not. Are we suddenly wrong for each other?
If he married you fat and suddenly has a problem with it, it's a good question (IMO)
The situation he described is like being a fly on the wall in the middle of a couple's argument. You know nothing about them apart from the brief, negative interaction they are having. It would be incredibly easy, if all you saw of that couple was fighting, to think they were clearly wrong for each other. But yet every single couple fights. We didn't even get as much information as a fly on the wall would get. We got a fraction of that. What makes couples strong is what they do after they fight. This couple was able to have great communication, explaining where each was coming from and how the situation was effecting each of them. This kind of communication is the mark of a healthy relationship. No relationship is the epitome of health. We all have some healthy aspects and some unhealthy aspects and OPs marriage doesn't seem any different. He came to post here discussing an unhealthy aspect of their marriage (which is really the communication) and they chose to address it by trading out their unhealthy communication with healthy communication. What is there to say that they aren't right for each other? Because they had unhealthy communication? Show me a marriage that doesn't, at times, have the same struggle (probably with different details) and I'll show you a sham.
I'm sorry, I don't really care what the answer is. And this is about the OP's marriage, not yours, or everyone person's on the planet. It's a valid question, and the answer is for the OP to figure out. They posted their question on a public forum, and the responses do not need to be one sided to pacify anyone
Overweight people do not always change overnight. An idea of a good time or stress relief won't always be a long walk, or an intense workout. Vacations will not always need some physically challenging hook to be worth it. Not saying that's always the case for thin people, but there are typically some lifestyle implications for someone carrying a few extra dozen pounds. One day it's not an issue, and then the next it is? What's happened? Again, I don't have what the answer is, but it's a good question, and worth asking or possibly pondering about if you're the one in this situation.
He asked how he could motivate her not whether or not we all thought he should leave her for not being the "one." Perhaps I have not made myself clear: I'm not saying they are or are not right for each other but that it's none of anyones business and not what he asked for. Telling him they are absolutely not right for each other, which is what the other poster said (if you look, it wasn't a question it was a definitive statement) is jumping to conclusions outside of the advice requested and outside of anyone's business or ability to reasonably and definitely state.
Again, public forum. You don't get to pick and choose what sort of insight is given on a situation stated of your own free will. There was a question there. And since anonymous poster 2346 on the interwebs obviously can't make the OP dump his wife and go marry a skinny chick, I read it as more of an opportunity for introspection. If it really was so important to have someone do all this stuff either with him or for herself, why marry the opposite and then try to turn her into that? Is this really a possible feat? Maybe, maybe not.0 -
Sounds like a serious intervention is needed. Very difficult to live with a spouse who isn't willing to commit to something that is greatly affecting you. And the potential damages to her health. I had a close friend that was so addicted to food, that she would lick the butter in the empty popcorn bowl. Her husband did everything possible to get her to lose weight and so did her parents. They all finally gave up. Her husband finally just lost all interest snd developed his own separate life and they just lived like separate people in the same house. It's not easy especially when one spouse is devoted to health and physical fitness and the other isn't. Good luck.0
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This is a tough one. I have put on a lot of weight since my husband and I met (partly through letting go, partly through laziness, partly through a twin pregnancy and partly through being diagnosed with a chronic illness that has necessitated long term steroid treatment) and have been unhappy since I got north of 195 (I wound up at 264 at the beginning of January). My husband has never made one comment about my weight in all that time but has continued to tell me he loves me and that I am beautiful. With his support I was ready to start my weight loss journey in January and am now 21.6lbs down already (he's also dropped 14lbs in the same time!).
If he had ever commented (even as a form of constructive criticism) on either my ability, need or desire to lose weight at any point in the last 4 years I would have been crushed. I don't think I could continue to love and respect someone for whom my appearance was such an important thing.
That being said, I do understand the frustration involved with someone repeatedly banging on abut something they want to do and then not following through. However, there's nothing you can do except back off.
"End quote"
This has been my experience as well. Expectations, though well intended, can be counter productive. Often times care, understanding, and taking people as they are will have the dual effect of calming them and eventually en-couraging their ability to eventually tackle their shortcomings.0 -
tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »
To be honest, I wondered the same thing, and the OP is one of the few people to bother explaining it (he did earlier)
He explained one issue they've been having. It's just one small piece in a much bigger context of their life together. Considering all we know is part of this one issue, it's jumping to conclusions to say he married the wrong woman. My husband and I do not at all share the same interest in exercise or health. I am interested, he is not. Are we suddenly wrong for each other?
If he married you fat and suddenly has a problem with it, it's a good question (IMO)
I see her extra pounds as the least part of the problem - what bothers him more is that she's always complaining about it and never following through, her being overweight affects her self esteem, and thus their marriage, and when they are together she doesn't want to do much other than play with her phone.0 -
You can't force anyone to do what they don't want to do. If what you're saying about her self esteem and anxiety issues are true, it's definitely not easy for her either. People aren't always going to be exactly the way you want them to be, and it's up to you to decide whether they are worth it or not. To be honest, three years of this same old same old weight loss talk between both of you must be getting old. I think it's time to just drop the topic on both of your sides. As in, she stops talking about her want to lose weight and you stop trying to push her to. Weight loss is such a personal challenge, she will do it when she is ready.0
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I see you've gotten a ton of responses and it's a lot to read through. I wanted to share my story with you. How overweight is your wife? My sister in law was morbidly obese. We don't even know how much she weighed because the scale wouldn't go that high.
We spent years trying to get her to lose weight. My brother (her husband) talked to her ad nausium. My mother had yelling, crying, caring sessions with her. My cousin cooked her meals and set her up for success. I contacted numerous people on her behalf. She lost 50 pounds on a shake diet but got bored with it and gained it back. Weight loss surgery they would not do unless she lost some weight on her own first.
Nothing worked because she did not want to do it. She wasn't ready. She blamed her obesity on her struggles with her own mother. To be fair she did have several surgeries and had a hysterectomy at a young age, but the weight just kept piling on. She had two beautiful adopted daughters that she couldn't play with or run after.
Sadly we lost her last year to a massive heart attack. It happened out of the blue. One minute she was there and the next she was gone. All of us have gone over this in our minds hundreds of times about what we could have done differently. We blame ourselves for not trying harder. The one thing we did not do is physically take her out of the house and get her into an in patient treatment center where she would have had no choice but to do what they said and lose the weight. We know she would have fought us every step of the way. She did not want to help herself but we still have heavy hearts over it.
My brother is left caring for his twin autistic daughters all by himself. I guess the reason I am writing this is to let you know that you are not alone. You are trying your hardest but she has to want to do this. Maybe showing her my post will wake her up a little. I don't know how heavy your wife is but if it is dangerous this may scare her a little. My brother loved his wife and misses her everyday but he knows that she didn't help herself. Best of luck. Keep us posted. I will be thinking about you as I think about my sister in law every day.0 -
OP has already explained its not the weight that bugs him but that she keeps saying she will do something and then doesn't. The lack of follow through is the problem. MFP forum guidelines say to stick to the topic and considering this is a fitness and food site not marriage then I would say the judgement statement that he "obviously married the wrong person" is off topic, inappropriate, and he nor anyone else on here are qualified to say that. MFP shut down a thread because people were discussing the OPs parenting, I don't see how this is any different.0
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tara_means_star wrote: »OP has already explained its not the weight that bugs him but that she keeps saying she will do something and then doesn't. The lack of follow through is the problem. MFP forum guidelines say to stick to the topic and considering this is a fitness and food site not marriage then I would say the judgement statement that he "obviously married the wrong person" is off topic, inappropriate, and he nor anyone else on here are qualified to say that. MFP shut down a thread because people were discussing the OPs parenting, I don't see how this is any different.
If you think the topic is not the OP's marriage, then
A). I don't think we're reading the same topic
B ). Your multiple comments are way more off topic than the other user's single comment
C). Surely you're familiar with the right way to handle posts that do not comply with forum guidelines. Please do not forget to address all the posts recommending individual and couples counseling as well0 -
tara_means_star wrote: »OP has already explained its not the weight that bugs him but that she keeps saying she will do something and then doesn't. The lack of follow through is the problem. MFP forum guidelines say to stick to the topic and considering this is a fitness and food site not marriage then I would say the judgement statement that he "obviously married the wrong person" is off topic, inappropriate, and he nor anyone else on here are qualified to say that. MFP shut down a thread because people were discussing the OPs parenting, I don't see how this is any different.
If you think the topic is not the OP's marriage, then
A). I don't think we're reading the same topic
B ). Your multiple comments are way more off topic than the other user's single comment
C). Surely you're familiar with the right way to handle posts that do not comply with forum guidelines. Please do not forget to address all the posts recommending individual and couples counseling as well
Discussing the specific part the OP brought up is on topic, making judgements about his marriage is not. OP was the first one to say he wanted to do counseling, so not applicable.0 -
tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »OP has already explained its not the weight that bugs him but that she keeps saying she will do something and then doesn't. The lack of follow through is the problem. MFP forum guidelines say to stick to the topic and considering this is a fitness and food site not marriage then I would say the judgement statement that he "obviously married the wrong person" is off topic, inappropriate, and he nor anyone else on here are qualified to say that. MFP shut down a thread because people were discussing the OPs parenting, I don't see how this is any different.
If you think the topic is not the OP's marriage, then
A). I don't think we're reading the same topic
B ). Your multiple comments are way more off topic than the other user's single comment
C). Surely you're familiar with the right way to handle posts that do not comply with forum guidelines. Please do not forget to address all the posts recommending individual and couples counseling as well
Discussing the specific part the OP brought up is on topic, making judgements about his marriage is not. OP was the first one to say he wanted to do counseling, so not applicable.
Yup, not quite the only food and fitness thing you mentioned earlier though, is it? You don't have to like the statement that was made. All this stuff you're claiming though... tsk... yeah0 -
tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »OP has already explained its not the weight that bugs him but that she keeps saying she will do something and then doesn't. The lack of follow through is the problem. MFP forum guidelines say to stick to the topic and considering this is a fitness and food site not marriage then I would say the judgement statement that he "obviously married the wrong person" is off topic, inappropriate, and he nor anyone else on here are qualified to say that. MFP shut down a thread because people were discussing the OPs parenting, I don't see how this is any different.
If you think the topic is not the OP's marriage, then
A). I don't think we're reading the same topic
B ). Your multiple comments are way more off topic than the other user's single comment
C). Surely you're familiar with the right way to handle posts that do not comply with forum guidelines. Please do not forget to address all the posts recommending individual and couples counseling as well
Discussing the specific part the OP brought up is on topic, making judgements about his marriage is not. OP was the first one to say he wanted to do counseling, so not applicable.
Yup, not quite the only food and fitness thing you mentioned earlier though, is it? You don't have to like the statement that was made. All this stuff you're claiming though... tsk... yeah
Actually the part OP brought up was specifically related to food and fitness. He decided that a good way to handle the food and fitness problem he was having was therapy. Yeah.0 -
tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »OP has already explained its not the weight that bugs him but that she keeps saying she will do something and then doesn't. The lack of follow through is the problem. MFP forum guidelines say to stick to the topic and considering this is a fitness and food site not marriage then I would say the judgement statement that he "obviously married the wrong person" is off topic, inappropriate, and he nor anyone else on here are qualified to say that. MFP shut down a thread because people were discussing the OPs parenting, I don't see how this is any different.
If you think the topic is not the OP's marriage, then
A). I don't think we're reading the same topic
B ). Your multiple comments are way more off topic than the other user's single comment
C). Surely you're familiar with the right way to handle posts that do not comply with forum guidelines. Please do not forget to address all the posts recommending individual and couples counseling as well
Discussing the specific part the OP brought up is on topic, making judgements about his marriage is not. OP was the first one to say he wanted to do counseling, so not applicable.
Yup, not quite the only food and fitness thing you mentioned earlier though, is it? You don't have to like the statement that was made. All this stuff you're claiming though... tsk... yeah
Actually the part OP brought up was specifically related to food and fitness. He decided that a good way to handle the food and fitness problem he was having was therapy. Yeah.
Really? All by himself? Or perhaps with the help of some "off topic" suggestions?0 -
Not in response to "off topic suggestions." In response to people asking questions to better understand the problem. Telling someone they clearly married the wrong person is uncalled for, especially since a couple pages back the OP was able to resolve the issue with his wife himself. I'm not really sure why we keep arguing this. You weren't the one who said they were clearly wrong for each other. I didn't have a problem with asking why he'd marry someone he wanted to change. I don't think it's anyone's business to tell someone they are or aren't right for someone else, especially people on the internet like us who are so wholly unconnected with their lives.0
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tara_means_star wrote: »Not in response to "off topic suggestions." In response to people asking questions to better understand the problem. Telling someone they clearly married the wrong person is uncalled for, especially since a couple pages back the OP was able to resolve the issue with his wife himself. I'm not really sure why we keep arguing this. You weren't the one who said they were clearly wrong for each other. I didn't have a problem with asking why he'd marry someone he wanted to change. I don't think it's anyone's business to tell someone they are or aren't right for someone else, especially people on the internet like us who are so wholly unconnected with their lives.
It's a risk you take when you make a post regarding your situation on a public forum. Again, I understand that you don't like the comment. I disagree about it being inappropriate, off topic or against forum rules or what not. As to why "we" keep arguing about this, you hold approximately 50% of that answer0 -
tara_means_star wrote: »Not in response to "off topic suggestions." In response to people asking questions to better understand the problem. Telling someone they clearly married the wrong person is uncalled for, especially since a couple pages back the OP was able to resolve the issue with his wife himself. I'm not really sure why we keep arguing this. You weren't the one who said they were clearly wrong for each other. I didn't have a problem with asking why he'd marry someone he wanted to change. I don't think it's anyone's business to tell someone they are or aren't right for someone else, especially people on the internet like us who are so wholly unconnected with their lives.
It's a risk you take when you make a post regarding your situation on a public forum. Again, I understand that you don't like the comment. I disagree about it being inappropriate, off topic or against forum rules or what not. As to why "we" keep arguing about this, you hold approximately 50% of that answer
I wasn't asking that question as an attack on you for continuing the argument--more rhetorical really because yes, I realize that you are not arguing by yourself
You're right, I don't like it. I don't think it's ever appropriate to make that kind of statement about someone else's life, especially if you aren't apart of that life. I don't think asking a question is an invitation to make any comment you want. 0 -
tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »Not in response to "off topic suggestions." In response to people asking questions to better understand the problem. Telling someone they clearly married the wrong person is uncalled for, especially since a couple pages back the OP was able to resolve the issue with his wife himself. I'm not really sure why we keep arguing this. You weren't the one who said they were clearly wrong for each other. I didn't have a problem with asking why he'd marry someone he wanted to change. I don't think it's anyone's business to tell someone they are or aren't right for someone else, especially people on the internet like us who are so wholly unconnected with their lives.
It's a risk you take when you make a post regarding your situation on a public forum. Again, I understand that you don't like the comment. I disagree about it being inappropriate, off topic or against forum rules or what not. As to why "we" keep arguing about this, you hold approximately 50% of that answer
I wasn't asking that question as an attack on you for continuing the argument--more rhetorical really because yes, I realize that you are not arguing by yourself You're right, I don't like it. I don't think it's ever appropriate to make that kind of statement about someone else's life, especially if you aren't apart of that life. I don't think asking a question is an invitation to make any comment you want.
Heh, thanks for clarifying
For me I think OP is a big boy. The vast majority of us on this forum are not part of each other's lives. Holding back comments because you don't know all the details that could possibly entitle you to make them would not be that helpful, IMO.0 -
Cook together, take dance lessons, get her out in the evenings after dinner, eat at the table to promote good conversation. Join weight watchers with her? Don't make this her issue alone. However, true motivation comes from within.0
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tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »Not in response to "off topic suggestions." In response to people asking questions to better understand the problem. Telling someone they clearly married the wrong person is uncalled for, especially since a couple pages back the OP was able to resolve the issue with his wife himself. I'm not really sure why we keep arguing this. You weren't the one who said they were clearly wrong for each other. I didn't have a problem with asking why he'd marry someone he wanted to change. I don't think it's anyone's business to tell someone they are or aren't right for someone else, especially people on the internet like us who are so wholly unconnected with their lives.
It's a risk you take when you make a post regarding your situation on a public forum. Again, I understand that you don't like the comment. I disagree about it being inappropriate, off topic or against forum rules or what not. As to why "we" keep arguing about this, you hold approximately 50% of that answer
I wasn't asking that question as an attack on you for continuing the argument--more rhetorical really because yes, I realize that you are not arguing by yourself You're right, I don't like it. I don't think it's ever appropriate to make that kind of statement about someone else's life, especially if you aren't apart of that life. I don't think asking a question is an invitation to make any comment you want.
Heh, thanks for clarifying
For me I think OP is a big boy. The vast majority of us on this forum are not part of each other's lives. Holding back comments because you don't know all the details that could possibly entitle you to make them would not be that helpful, IMO.
You might think this is crazy, but I really have seen damage done to people because they gave too much power to something a stranger on the internet said. People should probably be able to filter what is said to them better (especially from people they don't know), but it's not always the case. I think context on here is everything--in posting a thread, we are basically asking people to analyze some part of or life and give us feedback on it. I don't think asking someone to help us, though, gives anyone grounds to make judgement calls about our lives or the ability to say whatever they want to. I saw someone ask on here how to handle people telling them they were too skinny and the guy told her she definitely needed to lose more weight because he thought she was still a fatty. Obviously, she invited people here to critique her in some way but she was still totally justified in being offended because it didn't give him the rights to say whatever he wanted to just because. I don't know if this makes sense but it's basically just a story to help me explain my point.0
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