helping to motivate a spouse w/o being an a-hole

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  • WeekendWarriorTX
    WeekendWarriorTX Posts: 1,844 Member
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    jemhh wrote: »
    MommyL2015 wrote: »
    If I found out that my husband was airing my dirty laundry on the Internet, I would first be livid. Then hurt, embarrassed and shamed.

    This is the only relevant response you need. Seriously, shouldn't you be talking to HER (or a marriage counselor) about this instead of a bunch of internet strangers on a calorie-counting website? She's your wife, man. You loved her enough to marry her, right? We are getting what you say the problem is. Where is she to defend herself and give her side?

    If there's one thing I have learned after one failed relationship it's that you cannot change people. They change when they are ready. You either make that work or you don't.

    I was okay with the original question when the OP had no avi. I think it's good to try to talk with her but it sounds like he has and now he's trying to get input/ideas from others because what he's done hasn't helped. However, now his avi is up and it makes it less of an anonymous plea for help.

    everyone else had one, so i put one up. idk what you think my agenda is. i've been posting on other threads on this forum and enjoy talking about fitness. none of my friends work out, so i plan on coming here more for my fitness talk.
  • jemhh
    jemhh Posts: 14,261 Member
    edited February 2016
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    jemhh wrote: »
    MommyL2015 wrote: »
    If I found out that my husband was airing my dirty laundry on the Internet, I would first be livid. Then hurt, embarrassed and shamed.

    This is the only relevant response you need. Seriously, shouldn't you be talking to HER (or a marriage counselor) about this instead of a bunch of internet strangers on a calorie-counting website? She's your wife, man. You loved her enough to marry her, right? We are getting what you say the problem is. Where is she to defend herself and give her side?

    If there's one thing I have learned after one failed relationship it's that you cannot change people. They change when they are ready. You either make that work or you don't.

    I was okay with the original question when the OP had no avi. I think it's good to try to talk with her but it sounds like he has and now he's trying to get input/ideas from others because what he's done hasn't helped. However, now his avi is up and it makes it less of an anonymous plea for help.

    everyone else had one, so i put one up. idk what you think my agenda is. i've been posting on other threads on this forum and enjoy talking about fitness. none of my friends work out, so i plan on coming here more for my fitness talk.

    No need to get salty. I never said anything about an agenda. If you're fine with one of your wife's friends or relatives seeing your avi and reporting back to her that you are posting her personal business online, carry on. If I wanted to help my relationship with somebody without being an a-hole I'd try to post anonymously to get help but you do what makes you happy.
  • 100df
    100df Posts: 668 Member
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    The way you describe things, I think the drill sergeant dynamic is already the reality, and clearly not effective. I have quite a few friends and family in the military, and sometimes that "suck it up, soldier" mentality peeks through without you realizing it. Maybe a softer, less adversarial approach is in order.

    For instance, you seem to have focused quite a bit on the exercising, but if your wife doesn't like working out she doesn't have to in order to lose weight. I'm not saying exercise isn't a good idea, but if it's a sticking point then why not help her start losing without it at first, then ease into it later as her self esteem and motivation builds?

    Do you guys shop for and cook meals together? Why not pack her lunch for her sometimes so she can "lolly gag" (I'm thinking this is man-speak for just doing your hair and makeup) and still have a healthy lunch? While you're at it, leave a nice note inside telling her how beautiful she is!

    I've been in her shoes, and I know how daunting weight loss can seem. An unkind or thoughtless word from someone you love can be heartbreaking when you feel so vulnerable, so take it easy on her and just support her as best you can.

    she's been on WW for two years with no results, i don't know how she will do it w/o exercising, plus it will help with her mental health

    yes we do shop together. I guess i could try make her lunch as well, but i wake up between 0430-0530 depending on what exercise i do that morning, and i move non stop in order to get myself ready to leave on time. lolly gagging is southern speak for not doing anything while there is stuff to do. she sits on the couch for 15 minutes at a time on her phone instead of getting ready

    Oh dear.

    There's nothing you can do or say that will make her want to lose weight or exercise. Any comment or suggestion coming from you is going to be perceived as criticism whether you intend that or not. Definitely stop with the exercise stuff. If she doesn't work out now how is she supposed to keep up with a fit weekend warrior? We can't out run bad eating anyway.

    Another vote for marriage counseling.

    For the love of all holy do not show her this thread!!!!!!!!
  • WeekendWarriorTX
    WeekendWarriorTX Posts: 1,844 Member
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    jemhh wrote: »
    jemhh wrote: »
    MommyL2015 wrote: »
    If I found out that my husband was airing my dirty laundry on the Internet, I would first be livid. Then hurt, embarrassed and shamed.

    This is the only relevant response you need. Seriously, shouldn't you be talking to HER (or a marriage counselor) about this instead of a bunch of internet strangers on a calorie-counting website? She's your wife, man. You loved her enough to marry her, right? We are getting what you say the problem is. Where is she to defend herself and give her side?

    If there's one thing I have learned after one failed relationship it's that you cannot change people. They change when they are ready. You either make that work or you don't.

    I was okay with the original question when the OP had no avi. I think it's good to try to talk with her but it sounds like he has and now he's trying to get input/ideas from others because what he's done hasn't helped. However, now his avi is up and it makes it less of an anonymous plea for help.

    everyone else had one, so i put one up. idk what you think my agenda is. i've been posting on other threads on this forum and enjoy talking about fitness. none of my friends work out, so i plan on coming here more for my fitness talk.

    No need to get salty. I never said anything about an agenda. If you're fine with one of your wife's friends or relatives seeing your avi and reporting back to her that you are posting her personal business online, carry on. If I wanted to help my relationship with somebody without being an a-hole I'd try to post anonymously to get help but you do what makes you happy.

    my next post will be asking how to respond to advice w/o being an a-hole
  • star1407
    star1407 Posts: 588 Member
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    I doubt anyone could recognise you from that pic anyway lol. Look, you obviously care enough to ask others for advice and I get it. This is a community. About weight and issues surrounding it. I hope you find the link I posted helpful. I think contacting a mental health charity in your area for support and advice would be a good start
  • AliceDark
    AliceDark Posts: 3,886 Member
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    yes, she suffers from depression, she will admit that. but i don't know what from, and she doesn't do anything about it. like i said earlier, she tells her shrink everything is fine, gets her meds, and coasts through. a shrink she used to go to told her that exercising would help with depression and anxiety, but she's too depressed and anxious to work out. it is a cycle that i feel will only be broken through her finally deciding to. after three years of not reaching that decision, i don't know what is going to light a fire under her *kitten*. i fear she doesn't have it inside her, and I don't know how to help. the weight loss is the only thing i understand how to do, which is why i tend to focus on that, b/c it is a problem that i've conquered. hell, i even struggled with depression for several months that took a serious toll on me, and it was exercise that pulled me out of it. i don't want y'all to think that my only concern is having a skinny wife. i want the fun girl who liked doing things back. she's told me that her weight has a huge influence on her self esteem, and has admitted that losing weight will help a lot with her other problems, i just wanted advice to help kick start it since it seems to me she might not have it in her. but i will take all your advice to heart, back off and support her (which i do try to do, but i know that even when i don't comment on her decisions, my body language gives my frustration away). i will make a more concerted effort, we will go to counseling, and i will do what i need to do and try not to worry so much about what she is doing (or not doing)

    I'm saying this in an effort to be helpful and supportive (so I hope you take it as such)...I'm not sure you fully understand depression, and it could be helpful if you were a little more educated about what your wife may/may not be dealing with. (We're not hearing her side, or her doctor's side, so this is very generalized. If it's not applicable, I apologize).

    You said that you had a bout of depression and were pulled out of it by exercise. That was most likely a form of acute or situational depression -- lots of people have them, they tend to be short-term and they don't typically recur. They tend to be, but are not always, brought on by an event or occurrence and are therefore easier to understand. If, for example, someone lost a job or had some other significant life change, felt depressed for a short time, and experienced relief from the depression, that's acute.

    If she's on medication, she's most likely experiencing chronic depression, which is a different animal entirely. It's typically due in some part to a brain chemistry imbalance, which may be treated with medication or cognitive behavioral therapy (most psychiatrists will tell you that, if necessary, a combination of both medication and therapy will be the most effective). Chronic depression can be present for years, or it may come and go over a lifetime. It's more difficult to understand, because it doesn't always have an identifiable event that "caused" the depression. Most of the time there isn't a "why," other than "the person's brain chemistry doesn't work the way we'd like it to."

    I get why you're pointing to exercise as something that would help -- it helped fix your acute depression, and it almost always helps with chronic depression as well. What it won't do is cure chronic depression. If that's what's really going on with her, she needs to address the depression first, because it's the elephant in the room. Many of her other problems (lack of motivation, libido, social anxiety, low self-esteem, etc.) are probably being caused or exacerbated by depression. If she can get that under control, a lot of the secondary issues will be easier to handle.
  • kettiecat
    kettiecat Posts: 159 Member
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    Have you asked her what you could do to help her? And done just that. Nothing more.

    Can you be in charge of making and packing meals? Would she let you track her calories and do the work of weighing stuff out? No judgement about how much or what she should eat just the record keeper.

    I do 90% of the cooking and weighing of food for my husband and I.
  • puffbrat
    puffbrat Posts: 2,806 Member
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    You are taking some flak on this post, but I just want to say that I have read every comment and I believe from your statements that you genuinely love your wife and care about her health. You are clearly frustrated by her downward spiral and inability/unwillingness to pull herself out of it, which also leaves you in a one-sided relationship. That is incredibly unfair. I commend you for staying by her side during this difficult point in your marriage and trying to figure out how to help her and your marriage instead of giving up. I hope the two of you find a path forward towards peace and happiness, and even have fun together again.
  • WeekendWarriorTX
    WeekendWarriorTX Posts: 1,844 Member
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    AliceDark wrote: »
    yes, she suffers from depression, she will admit that. but i don't know what from, and she doesn't do anything about it. like i said earlier, she tells her shrink everything is fine, gets her meds, and coasts through. a shrink she used to go to told her that exercising would help with depression and anxiety, but she's too depressed and anxious to work out. it is a cycle that i feel will only be broken through her finally deciding to. after three years of not reaching that decision, i don't know what is going to light a fire under her *kitten*. i fear she doesn't have it inside her, and I don't know how to help. the weight loss is the only thing i understand how to do, which is why i tend to focus on that, b/c it is a problem that i've conquered. hell, i even struggled with depression for several months that took a serious toll on me, and it was exercise that pulled me out of it. i don't want y'all to think that my only concern is having a skinny wife. i want the fun girl who liked doing things back. she's told me that her weight has a huge influence on her self esteem, and has admitted that losing weight will help a lot with her other problems, i just wanted advice to help kick start it since it seems to me she might not have it in her. but i will take all your advice to heart, back off and support her (which i do try to do, but i know that even when i don't comment on her decisions, my body language gives my frustration away). i will make a more concerted effort, we will go to counseling, and i will do what i need to do and try not to worry so much about what she is doing (or not doing)

    I'm saying this in an effort to be helpful and supportive (so I hope you take it as such)...I'm not sure you fully understand depression, and it could be helpful if you were a little more educated about what your wife may/may not be dealing with. (We're not hearing her side, or her doctor's side, so this is very generalized. If it's not applicable, I apologize).

    You said that you had a bout of depression and were pulled out of it by exercise. That was most likely a form of acute or situational depression -- lots of people have them, they tend to be short-term and they don't typically recur. They tend to be, but are not always, brought on by an event or occurrence and are therefore easier to understand. If, for example, someone lost a job or had some other significant life change, felt depressed for a short time, and experienced relief from the depression, that's acute.

    If she's on medication, she's most likely experiencing chronic depression, which is a different animal entirely. It's typically due in some part to a brain chemistry imbalance, which may be treated with medication or cognitive behavioral therapy (most psychiatrists will tell you that, if necessary, a combination of both medication and therapy will be the most effective). Chronic depression can be present for years, or it may come and go over a lifetime. It's more difficult to understand, because it doesn't always have an identifiable event that "caused" the depression. Most of the time there isn't a "why," other than "the person's brain chemistry doesn't work the way we'd like it to."

    I get why you're pointing to exercise as something that would help -- it helped fix your acute depression, and it almost always helps with chronic depression as well. What it won't do is cure chronic depression. If that's what's really going on with her, she needs to address the depression first, because it's the elephant in the room. Many of her other problems (lack of motivation, libido, social anxiety, low self-esteem, etc.) are probably being caused or exacerbated by depression. If she can get that under control, a lot of the secondary issues will be easier to handle.

    i absolutely don't understand it, and maybe i should have gone to a mental health forum instead of here, but fitness is what i know. i guess i did think that exercise could help with her depression as i did with mine (i believe you are correct about mine being of a different nature than hers-acute). i've tried to get her to open up more with her shrink (i don't use this term in a derogatory way, i just am not sure if she goes to a psychiatrist or psychologist) and even went with her to a couple sessions, but she drags her heals on that front as well. because of another post i've started researching the depression more, and will try to speak with my wife about that and lay off the weight loss part.
  • tulips_and_tea
    tulips_and_tea Posts: 5,710 Member
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    puffbrat wrote: »
    You are taking some flak on this post, but I just want to say that I have read every comment and I believe from your statements that you genuinely love your wife and care about her health. You are clearly frustrated by her downward spiral and inability/unwillingness to pull herself out of it, which also leaves you in a one-sided relationship. That is incredibly unfair. I commend you for staying by her side during this difficult point in your marriage and trying to figure out how to help her and your marriage instead of giving up. I hope the two of you find a path forward towards peace and happiness, and even have fun together again.

    +1
  • ElizabethOakes2
    ElizabethOakes2 Posts: 1,038 Member
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    Is there a way to suggest doing active things together that would be fun exercise for both of you? Instigate a 'date night' where you go bowling, play mini-golf, go hiking, etc, go get moving? It might be good quality time where you can just be together and have fun instead of dealing with the stressful topic of 'weight loss'.
    Once she starts moving, and starts feeling better about making a positive change, maybe she'll start moving more overall?

    I know that when my ex-boyfriend and I started bowling, he quickly went from one night a week 'date night' to joining a league, and then started lifting weights to improve his game. Went from couch potato to four nights of bowling a week, and three hours a week with the weight set that had been untouched in our basement for most of our relationship. That just started by asking what kind of date night would be fun for both of us.
  • pstegman888
    pstegman888 Posts: 286 Member
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    Has she had a recent physical with blood tests for thyroid, vitamin D, anemia, female hormones, etc? Just wondering if there may a physical condition contributing to her lethargy. I can sympathize with your situation because I have 2 friends always moaning about weight and being out of shape, but they do absolutely nothing to move in a positive direction (and in fact continue to gain weight and get more out of shape every year). If I had to be in a relationship/living situation with them, I'd probably have a very difficult time containing my frustration.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,922 Member
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    puffbrat wrote: »
    You are taking some flak on this post, but I just want to say that I have read every comment and I believe from your statements that you genuinely love your wife and care about her health. You are clearly frustrated by her downward spiral and inability/unwillingness to pull herself out of it, which also leaves you in a one-sided relationship. That is incredibly unfair. I commend you for staying by her side during this difficult point in your marriage and trying to figure out how to help her and your marriage instead of giving up. I hope the two of you find a path forward towards peace and happiness, and even have fun together again.

    + 2
  • AliceDark
    AliceDark Posts: 3,886 Member
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    AliceDark wrote: »
    yes, she suffers from depression, she will admit that. but i don't know what from, and she doesn't do anything about it. like i said earlier, she tells her shrink everything is fine, gets her meds, and coasts through. a shrink she used to go to told her that exercising would help with depression and anxiety, but she's too depressed and anxious to work out. it is a cycle that i feel will only be broken through her finally deciding to. after three years of not reaching that decision, i don't know what is going to light a fire under her *kitten*. i fear she doesn't have it inside her, and I don't know how to help. the weight loss is the only thing i understand how to do, which is why i tend to focus on that, b/c it is a problem that i've conquered. hell, i even struggled with depression for several months that took a serious toll on me, and it was exercise that pulled me out of it. i don't want y'all to think that my only concern is having a skinny wife. i want the fun girl who liked doing things back. she's told me that her weight has a huge influence on her self esteem, and has admitted that losing weight will help a lot with her other problems, i just wanted advice to help kick start it since it seems to me she might not have it in her. but i will take all your advice to heart, back off and support her (which i do try to do, but i know that even when i don't comment on her decisions, my body language gives my frustration away). i will make a more concerted effort, we will go to counseling, and i will do what i need to do and try not to worry so much about what she is doing (or not doing)

    I'm saying this in an effort to be helpful and supportive (so I hope you take it as such)...I'm not sure you fully understand depression, and it could be helpful if you were a little more educated about what your wife may/may not be dealing with. (We're not hearing her side, or her doctor's side, so this is very generalized. If it's not applicable, I apologize).

    You said that you had a bout of depression and were pulled out of it by exercise. That was most likely a form of acute or situational depression -- lots of people have them, they tend to be short-term and they don't typically recur. They tend to be, but are not always, brought on by an event or occurrence and are therefore easier to understand. If, for example, someone lost a job or had some other significant life change, felt depressed for a short time, and experienced relief from the depression, that's acute.

    If she's on medication, she's most likely experiencing chronic depression, which is a different animal entirely. It's typically due in some part to a brain chemistry imbalance, which may be treated with medication or cognitive behavioral therapy (most psychiatrists will tell you that, if necessary, a combination of both medication and therapy will be the most effective). Chronic depression can be present for years, or it may come and go over a lifetime. It's more difficult to understand, because it doesn't always have an identifiable event that "caused" the depression. Most of the time there isn't a "why," other than "the person's brain chemistry doesn't work the way we'd like it to."

    I get why you're pointing to exercise as something that would help -- it helped fix your acute depression, and it almost always helps with chronic depression as well. What it won't do is cure chronic depression. If that's what's really going on with her, she needs to address the depression first, because it's the elephant in the room. Many of her other problems (lack of motivation, libido, social anxiety, low self-esteem, etc.) are probably being caused or exacerbated by depression. If she can get that under control, a lot of the secondary issues will be easier to handle.

    i absolutely don't understand it, and maybe i should have gone to a mental health forum instead of here, but fitness is what i know. i guess i did think that exercise could help with her depression as i did with mine (i believe you are correct about mine being of a different nature than hers-acute). i've tried to get her to open up more with her shrink (i don't use this term in a derogatory way, i just am not sure if she goes to a psychiatrist or psychologist) and even went with her to a couple sessions, but she drags her heals on that front as well. because of another post i've started researching the depression more, and will try to speak with my wife about that and lay off the weight loss part.

    You're clearly a very caring husband, and it's really obvious that you love your wife. It's totally fine to ask questions about exercise and depression here; there are a lot of people who are really knowledgeable about both.

    I've found that it's really difficult to be objective about the effects of depression while you're in the middle of an episode. You wife might not be able to articulate what's going on, or she may be so far in it that she doesn't fully realize how much she's being impacted. (Again, I'm totally speculating. I could be 100% wrong). I tell people that depression is one of the only diseases that tries to convince you that it doesn't exist. If you have cancer, your tumor doesn't lie to you and convince you that you don't have a tumor, but that's exactly what depression does, and that makes it really hard to fight it.

    Exercise can and does help, even with chronic depression. However, strenuous exercise can sometimes hurt more than nothing at all (if your energy level is already through the floor, which is really common with depression, the idea of going for a run can be as appealing as sticking a fork in your eyeball). Think baby steps and small improvements -- going for a walk just for some fresh air and sunshine can work wonders.

    And btw..."shrink" is fine, at least with me. Other people may not like it, but I use it. "Psychiatrist" sounds like I'm a '50s housewife, and "psychologist" sounds like I'm going to see the school counselor.
  • kshama2001
    kshama2001 Posts: 27,922 Member
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    AliceDark wrote: »
    yes, she suffers from depression, she will admit that. but i don't know what from, and she doesn't do anything about it. like i said earlier, she tells her shrink everything is fine, gets her meds, and coasts through. a shrink she used to go to told her that exercising would help with depression and anxiety, but she's too depressed and anxious to work out. it is a cycle that i feel will only be broken through her finally deciding to. after three years of not reaching that decision, i don't know what is going to light a fire under her *kitten*. i fear she doesn't have it inside her, and I don't know how to help. the weight loss is the only thing i understand how to do, which is why i tend to focus on that, b/c it is a problem that i've conquered. hell, i even struggled with depression for several months that took a serious toll on me, and it was exercise that pulled me out of it. i don't want y'all to think that my only concern is having a skinny wife. i want the fun girl who liked doing things back. she's told me that her weight has a huge influence on her self esteem, and has admitted that losing weight will help a lot with her other problems, i just wanted advice to help kick start it since it seems to me she might not have it in her. but i will take all your advice to heart, back off and support her (which i do try to do, but i know that even when i don't comment on her decisions, my body language gives my frustration away). i will make a more concerted effort, we will go to counseling, and i will do what i need to do and try not to worry so much about what she is doing (or not doing)

    I'm saying this in an effort to be helpful and supportive (so I hope you take it as such)...I'm not sure you fully understand depression, and it could be helpful if you were a little more educated about what your wife may/may not be dealing with. (We're not hearing her side, or her doctor's side, so this is very generalized. If it's not applicable, I apologize).

    You said that you had a bout of depression and were pulled out of it by exercise. That was most likely a form of acute or situational depression -- lots of people have them, they tend to be short-term and they don't typically recur. They tend to be, but are not always, brought on by an event or occurrence and are therefore easier to understand. If, for example, someone lost a job or had some other significant life change, felt depressed for a short time, and experienced relief from the depression, that's acute.

    If she's on medication, she's most likely experiencing chronic depression, which is a different animal entirely. It's typically due in some part to a brain chemistry imbalance, which may be treated with medication or cognitive behavioral therapy (most psychiatrists will tell you that, if necessary, a combination of both medication and therapy will be the most effective). Chronic depression can be present for years, or it may come and go over a lifetime. It's more difficult to understand, because it doesn't always have an identifiable event that "caused" the depression. Most of the time there isn't a "why," other than "the person's brain chemistry doesn't work the way we'd like it to."

    I get why you're pointing to exercise as something that would help -- it helped fix your acute depression, and it almost always helps with chronic depression as well. What it won't do is cure chronic depression. If that's what's really going on with her, she needs to address the depression first, because it's the elephant in the room. Many of her other problems (lack of motivation, libido, social anxiety, low self-esteem, etc.) are probably being caused or exacerbated by depression. If she can get that under control, a lot of the secondary issues will be easier to handle.

    My n=1 says exercise absolutely does help mild-moderate chronic depression. I also take Wellbutrin, which is a little speedy, so that helps too.

    See also http://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/exercise-and-depression-report-excerpt

    Can a few laps around the block actually solve your emotional problems? Probably not, but a regular exercise program might help. A review of studies stretching back to 1981 concluded that regular exercise can improve mood in people with mild to moderate depression. It also may play a supporting role in treating severe depression.
  • WeekendWarriorTX
    WeekendWarriorTX Posts: 1,844 Member
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    i'm not so dense to believe that her entering a regular exercise program and shedding pounds will alleviate all issues, i'm just hoping that maybe that it could be the pebble that starts the avalanche, that seeing she can succeed at losing weight will help her tackle other issues she is too overwhelmed to take on right now.
  • scolaris
    scolaris Posts: 2,145 Member
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    She has to want it for herself. End of story. Decide if everything else you like about her outweighs this.
  • star1407
    star1407 Posts: 588 Member
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    scolaris wrote: »
    She has to want it for herself. End of story. Decide if everything else you like about her outweighs this.

    Not if she is suffering clinical depression. It isn't that simple. *kitten* if everyone just had that attitude then there would be an awful lot of lonely, unsupported depressed people. It's an illness, there is no choice of kicking yourself up the bum and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Support and understanding are key and the op is concerned enough to want to help her
  • slinke2014
    slinke2014 Posts: 149 Member
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    yes, she suffers from depression, she will admit that. but i don't know what from, and she doesn't do anything about it. like i said earlier, she tells her shrink everything is fine, gets her meds, and coasts through. a shrink she used to go to told her that exercising would help with depression and anxiety, but she's too depressed and anxious to work out. it is a cycle that i feel will only be broken through her finally deciding to. after three years of not reaching that decision, i don't know what is going to light a fire under her *kitten*. i fear she doesn't have it inside her, and I don't know how to help. the weight loss is the only thing i understand how to do, which is why i tend to focus on that, b/c it is a problem that i've conquered. hell, i even struggled with depression for several months that took a serious toll on me, and it was exercise that pulled me out of it. i don't want y'all to think that my only concern is having a skinny wife. i want the fun girl who liked doing things back. she's told me that her weight has a huge influence on her self esteem, and has admitted that losing weight will help a lot with her other problems, i just wanted advice to help kick start it since it seems to me she might not have it in her. but i will take all your advice to heart, back off and support her (which i do try to do, but i know that even when i don't comment on her decisions, my body language gives my frustration away). i will make a more concerted effort, we will go to counseling, and i will do what i need to do and try not to worry so much about what she is doing (or not doing)

    I get it. You are doing the best you can. Its really hard to just be the support system and not the fixer. You want to fix it for her and unfortunately she has to fix herself. the frustration you feel is totally warranted and that doesn't make you an a-hole, it makes you a human being. I get frustrated at the "no follow through" behavior as well. Just do the best you can to turn off the "fixer" and be the listener. Maybe go to her shrink with her for some joint therapy or try to find a whole new one.

  • slinke2014
    slinke2014 Posts: 149 Member
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    star1407 wrote: »
    Maybe she needs a medication review?

    and i've encouraged her to talk to her shrink about it. she even invited me to her last session so i could tell her shrink what she is too afraid to say.

    Dude, jump on this opportunity!!! It will give all of you, including her therapist, more insight!!!!