helping to motivate a spouse w/o being an a-hole
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WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »
my aunt and cousin invited us to do a race with them in april, and my wife hesitantly agreed. she's doing the 5K while i'm doing the half marathon. i know that if the race was tomorrow, she probably wouldn't be able to walk the 5K, but she hasn't started training at all. i invite her to our little fitness center so she could at least use the elliptical, but she's always too tired, didn't sleep that well, doesn't feel well, etc etc. she asks me to wake her up when i leave to work out so she can get up and do her PiYo, but then she's always too tired in the morning, promises to do it after work, but then is too tired to do it then.
Gah, you're missing the point
Smiley face because you genuinely mean well.
Asking her to go to the gym will not get her to the gym. She will lose weight if she GETS HERSELF TO THE GYM. Encouraging her to eat less will not get her to eat less or more healthy. She will lose weight if she DECIDES TO EAT LESS. She will when she believes she deserves to be her best, healthy self. When she believes she can do it. When she wants to go to the gym and change her diet. You asked how you can help? Help her be confident. Tell her you love her, full stop. Show her you desire her, full stop. (Not: I'll desire you if you lose weight. I'll love you if you get healthy.) Yeah, you might have to dig deep. But that's how to help motivate her, which was your original question. Motivate her by helping her motivate herself.
i've given up on asking her of my own volition. every now and then she will ask if i am going to run around the pond (which she won't do b/c it is cold and dark) or if i'm going to the fitness center treadmill, with the implication that she would join. I say that i will go to the fitness center with her, and when it is time to wake up and go, she's too tired. this is all her own idea.0 -
To the OP: I was in the same boat as you a year ago. Both me and the wife gained weight after marriage and kids. I decided one day that it was time for a change and worked to loose the weight. I tried to get my wife to do it with me, as I figured she would want to get healthier, but she resisted and pushed me away further and further. So one day I stopped pressuring her and just focused on me. The strange thing is once I stopped pressuring her, she started looking into weightloss programs. She did 21Day Fix on her own, and is now looking at alternatives. She still struggles with exercise, but is now open more to suggestions from me on how to fit it in to her day.
So for me, not addressing the issue helped get her involved. I guess its a weird reverse psychology, but it worked.0 -
Next time she says this, you could say, "honey I you've been wanting to do this fo awhile? What can I do yo support you in this?"
You could help her get set up on MFP, you could log food right alongside her, you could help plan, shop for, and prepare healthy filling meals within her calorie goals. You could help her plan an exercise program that would be within her abilities, buy her a gym membership, work out with her, each at your own fitness levels, go on walks with her, help her set up a self rewards program for teaching various goals, and love support and encourage het day in and day out.
her social anxiety won't allow her to go to a gym. I honestly don't see where MFP will work if she doesn't do her WW points. while i agree in theory that counting calories together could work, i foresee it turning into me "judging" or controlling her when i suggest we log in.0 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »Next time she says this, you could say, "honey I you've been wanting to do this fo awhile? What can I do yo support you in this?"
You could help her get set up on MFP, you could log food right alongside her, you could help plan, shop for, and prepare healthy filling meals within her calorie goals. You could help her plan an exercise program that would be within her abilities, buy her a gym membership, work out with her, each at your own fitness levels, go on walks with her, help her set up a self rewards program for teaching various goals, and love support and encourage het day in and day out.
her social anxiety won't allow her to go to a gym. I honestly don't see where MFP will work if she doesn't do her WW points. while i agree in theory that counting calories together could work, i foresee it turning into me "judging" or controlling her when i suggest we log in.
Speaking as someone who has been in a similar position, this was true for me. The constant "did you log it?"s every time I reached for a tortilla chip got old, and it did cause a fight or two.0 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »Others have suggested counselling which I also think is a great idea. When you are with someone who has self-esteem issues that can often manifest in unhealthy ways within your relationship, like lashing out or trust issue etc. If there's anything you can do to encourage her to be healthier, maybe not lose weight specifically, but make healthier choices, do activities together like, walks/runs/mud/runs/bike riding etc. pick healthy places to eat out at, go grocery shopping together and try to focus on fresh produce.
I was with someone who was not overweight but had 0 interest in eating healthy or working out and for me, it just didn't work. I really wanted someone who wanted to make similar life choices and like a similar lifestyle so that I could share that part of my life.
my aunt and cousin invited us to do a race with them in april, and my wife hesitantly agreed. she's doing the 5K while i'm doing the half marathon. i know that if the race was tomorrow, she probably wouldn't be able to walk the 5K, but she hasn't started training at all. i invite her to our little fitness center so she could at least use the elliptical, but she's always too tired, didn't sleep that well, doesn't feel well, etc etc. she asks me to wake her up when i leave to work out so she can get up and do her PiYo, but then she's always too tired in the morning, promises to do it after work, but then is too tired to do it then.
I'm starting to wonder how much of this is related to her mental health issues and/or any medication she might be taking?
Also, I have horrendous fatigue when my anemia is untreated.0 -
I haven't read a lot of the responses, but I'll give you my experience. I was your wife for the majority of my marriage. I gave every excuse, tried every fad, and talked a lot of game ("I'm gonna try this!"). What I didn't do was stick with anything long term. I don't think my husband could have said anything to help me because I'm stubborn and would have seen it as an attack. It had to come from me; my mentality had to change. It wasn't until then did I change. I shut up, put in the work, and changed my life. My husband and I work out together now. We've done a Spartan race together and have another one in a few weeks. I meal prep for us. Things are good.
I know what I put my husband through, so I know how you feel. I hope something ignites within her soon.0 -
I like dirty sports like Mud Hero and Color me Rad. My poor OCD husband, who also happens to be in charge of laundry, shakes his head. He doesn't get it. I've given up asking him to go for walks/runs with me because though he won't say it, he hates dirt. We find a happy medium at the gym where there's sanitizing wipes.
She's got intention but little experience. You can't impart your experience in to her.
I think for your mental health, stop seeing her resistance and/or inertia as any reflection on you. She's not dissing you. She's lost.0 -
Sorry, she is not being an a-hole. She has to want it for it to happen.
You said she was overweight when you married. What changed, she is the same person you married Why do you want to change her? She has to want it bad enough to make it so. It is not your decision.
All you can (and should) do is support her and love her. She is an adult, it is her decision. When she wants to change, she will.0 -
@snowflake930 I read the title to be "How can I motivate...without being an a-hole". This is a husband trying to be sensitive.0
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Does she have a friend who has a healthy lifestyle that she admires?
It intimidated me to work out with my BF because he always went full throttle. Even though he never said it, I always felt he expected me to do the same. I've since been working out with a female friend who is more on my fitness level and enjoy it!
Just a thought...0 -
One of my favourite motivational quotes, from one of my favourite Canadians.
http://addicted2success.com/life/a-space-astronauts-advice-on-following-your-dreams/
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snowflake930 wrote: »Sorry, she is not being an a-hole. She has to want it for it to happen.
You said she was overweight when you married. What changed, she is the same person you married Why do you want to change her? She has to want it bad enough to make it so. It is not your decision.
All you can (and should) do is support her and love her. She is an adult, it is her decision. When she wants to change, she will.
we were friends(acquaintances) years before we started dating, and she was very skinny back then. we didn't see each other for awhile and started talking online, and decided to meet up and give dating a try. it was during this time she had gained weight. it wasn't a huge issue, we were still going out, having fun, having great sex, etc. if she had low self esteem then, she didn't act like it. I don't know remember when the turning point was, but it was years ago, and now i have to drag her out of the house to do anything, she just wants to veg on the couch in all her free time, her libido has gone down with her self esteem. back when we were engaged and I was getting ready to leave for boot camp is the first time i can remember her really expressing a desire to lose weight, and it didn't come from me.0 -
snowflake930 wrote: »Sorry, she is not being an a-hole. She has to want it for it to happen.
You said she was overweight when you married. What changed, she is the same person you married Why do you want to change her? She has to want it bad enough to make it so. It is not your decision.
All you can (and should) do is support her and love her. She is an adult, it is her decision. When she wants to change, she will.
Roger she gets to do what she ways regardless of his wants. He must support and encourage her regardless of his wants. Sounds like a winner.0 -
snowflake930 wrote: »Sorry, she is not being an a-hole. She has to want it for it to happen.
You said she was overweight when you married. What changed, she is the same person you married Why do you want to change her? She has to want it bad enough to make it so. It is not your decision.
All you can (and should) do is support her and love her. She is an adult, it is her decision. When she wants to change, she will.
and i never said she was being an a-hole, i said i wanted to avoid being one0 -
One of my early ambitions from weight loss was to lean down and pick up something I dropped on the floor. I can't tell you what a thrill it was when I achieved that. My goals are a little more lofty now that I'm no longer beaten down by repeated failure. Now I want to climb a mountain among other things.
By the way, I was over fifty when I finally tackled my weight. Many, many false starts along the way.
Unlike your wife, my self esteem and state of mind has always been in pretty good shape. I suspect your wife's unhappiness has only a glancing relationship with her weight. She is stunningly unmotivated.0 -
@snowflake930 I read the title to be "How can I motivate...without being an a-hole". This is a husband trying to be sensitive.
Sorry, you are right, my mistake, but to my way of thinking, if I knew my husband went on a public forum like this behind my back, I would not be very happy about it. Sorry, but I don't think this is being sensitive to his wife's feelings.
The answer is, you may be able to motivate her by example, keeping comments to yourself, and letting her come to you with questions. Unconditional support and love. She is the woman you married three years ago.
p.s. I have been married for 40 years so I think I know a little about making a marriage work. Thank god I married a man that has loved me all these years the way I am and knew enough to accept and love me the way I am, and trust me, for a lot of those 40 years I was way overweight, not the slim woman he married. Thanks to MFP and my initiative, I am back to the weight I was when we married in 1975. Not one negative comment from him in all those years.
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WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »... I was getting ready to leave for boot camp is the first time i can remember her really expressing a desire to lose weight, and it didn't come from me.
I think that could be it. You joining the Guard changed you (as it did me), she may have wanted to change some as well, but didn't have the same motivation as you did. Now you are a lot different, and she is the same.
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WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »snowflake930 wrote: »Sorry, she is not being an a-hole. She has to want it for it to happen.
You said she was overweight when you married. What changed, she is the same person you married Why do you want to change her? She has to want it bad enough to make it so. It is not your decision.
All you can (and should) do is support her and love her. She is an adult, it is her decision. When she wants to change, she will.
we were friends(acquaintances) years before we started dating, and she was very skinny back then. we didn't see each other for awhile and started talking online, and decided to meet up and give dating a try. it was during this time she had gained weight. it wasn't a huge issue, we were still going out, having fun, having great sex, etc. if she had low self esteem then, she didn't act like it. I don't know remember when the turning point was, but it was years ago, and now i have to drag her out of the house to do anything, she just wants to veg on the couch in all her free time, her libido has gone down with her self esteem. back when we were engaged and I was getting ready to leave for boot camp is the first time i can remember her really expressing a desire to lose weight, and it didn't come from me.
I'm no doctor, but this sounds like she has a serious depression going on.0 -
Lack of motivation
Loss of libido
Lethargy
Anxiety
Low self esteem/ self worth
All classic signs of depression0 -
If I found out that my husband was airing my dirty laundry on the Internet, I would first be livid. Then hurt, embarrassed and shamed.
This is the only relevant response you need. Seriously, shouldn't you be talking to HER (or a marriage counselor) about this instead of a bunch of internet strangers on a calorie-counting website? She's your wife, man. You loved her enough to marry her, right? We are getting what you say the problem is. Where is she to defend herself and give her side?
If there's one thing I have learned after one failed relationship it's that you cannot change people. They change when they are ready. You either make that work or you don't.0 -
yes, she suffers from depression, she will admit that. but i don't know what from, and she doesn't do anything about it. like i said earlier, she tells her shrink everything is fine, gets her meds, and coasts through. a shrink she used to go to told her that exercising would help with depression and anxiety, but she's too depressed and anxious to work out. it is a cycle that i feel will only be broken through her finally deciding to. after three years of not reaching that decision, i don't know what is going to light a fire under her *kitten*. i fear she doesn't have it inside her, and I don't know how to help. the weight loss is the only thing i understand how to do, which is why i tend to focus on that, b/c it is a problem that i've conquered. hell, i even struggled with depression for several months that took a serious toll on me, and it was exercise that pulled me out of it. i don't want y'all to think that my only concern is having a skinny wife. i want the fun girl who liked doing things back. she's told me that her weight has a huge influence on her self esteem, and has admitted that losing weight will help a lot with her other problems, i just wanted advice to help kick start it since it seems to me she might not have it in her. but i will take all your advice to heart, back off and support her (which i do try to do, but i know that even when i don't comment on her decisions, my body language gives my frustration away). i will make a more concerted effort, we will go to counseling, and i will do what i need to do and try not to worry so much about what she is doing (or not doing)0
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Maybe she needs a medication review?0
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WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »yes, she suffers from depression, she will admit that. but i don't know what from, and she doesn't do anything about it. like i said earlier, she tells her shrink everything is fine, gets her meds, and coasts through. a shrink she used to go to told her that exercising would help with depression and anxiety, but she's too depressed and anxious to work out. it is a cycle that i feel will only be broken through her finally deciding to. after three years of not reaching that decision, i don't know what is going to light a fire under her *kitten*. i fear she doesn't have it inside her, and I don't know how to help. the weight loss is the only thing i understand how to do, which is why i tend to focus on that, b/c it is a problem that i've conquered. hell, i even struggled with depression for several months that took a serious toll on me, and it was exercise that pulled me out of it. i don't want y'all to think that my only concern is having a skinny wife. i want the fun girl who liked doing things back. she's told me that her weight has a huge influence on her self esteem, and has admitted that losing weight will help a lot with her other problems, i just wanted advice to help kick start it since it seems to me she might not have it in her. but i will take all your advice to heart, back off and support her (which i do try to do, but i know that even when i don't comment on her decisions, my body language gives my frustration away). i will make a more concerted effort, we will go to counseling, and i will do what i need to do and try not to worry so much about what she is doing (or not doing)
Is she putting forth any effort in ANY aspect of her life and your marriage? Any at all?0 -
MommyL2015 wrote: »If I found out that my husband was airing my dirty laundry on the Internet, I would first be livid. Then hurt, embarrassed and shamed.
This is the only relevant response you need. Seriously, shouldn't you be talking to HER (or a marriage counselor) about this instead of a bunch of internet strangers on a calorie-counting website? She's your wife, man. You loved her enough to marry her, right? We are getting what you say the problem is. Where is she to defend herself and give her side?
If there's one thing I have learned after one failed relationship it's that you cannot change people. They change when they are ready. You either make that work or you don't.
every time i try to breach the subject with her, she sees it as attacking and closes up and won't talk to me. this is anonymous, y'all don't know me from adam or her for that matter. i'm sure she complains about me being an a-hole to her friends, and if she went to www.myhusbandisana-hole.com/blog to complain about me, i wouldn't have a problem with it. i've gotten some good advice on here, mostly about what i need to change about me, and that's what i was looking for.0 -
MommyL2015 wrote: »If I found out that my husband was airing my dirty laundry on the Internet, I would first be livid. Then hurt, embarrassed and shamed.
This is the only relevant response you need. Seriously, shouldn't you be talking to HER (or a marriage counselor) about this instead of a bunch of internet strangers on a calorie-counting website? She's your wife, man. You loved her enough to marry her, right? We are getting what you say the problem is. Where is she to defend herself and give her side?
If there's one thing I have learned after one failed relationship it's that you cannot change people. They change when they are ready. You either make that work or you don't.
I was okay with the original question when the OP had no avi. I think it's good to try to talk with her but it sounds like he has and now he's trying to get input/ideas from others because what he's done hasn't helped. However, now his avi is up and it makes it less of an anonymous plea for help.0 -
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WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »i want the fun girl who liked doing things back.... i will take all your advice to heart, back off and support her (which i do try to do, but i know that even when i don't comment on her decisions, my body language gives my frustration away). i will make a more concerted effort, we will go to counseling, and i will do what i need to do and try not to worry so much about what she is doing (or not doing)
I think you've got a good plan. Good Luck.0 -
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_dracarys_ wrote: »WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »yes, she suffers from depression, she will admit that. but i don't know what from, and she doesn't do anything about it. like i said earlier, she tells her shrink everything is fine, gets her meds, and coasts through. a shrink she used to go to told her that exercising would help with depression and anxiety, but she's too depressed and anxious to work out. it is a cycle that i feel will only be broken through her finally deciding to. after three years of not reaching that decision, i don't know what is going to light a fire under her *kitten*. i fear she doesn't have it inside her, and I don't know how to help. the weight loss is the only thing i understand how to do, which is why i tend to focus on that, b/c it is a problem that i've conquered. hell, i even struggled with depression for several months that took a serious toll on me, and it was exercise that pulled me out of it. i don't want y'all to think that my only concern is having a skinny wife. i want the fun girl who liked doing things back. she's told me that her weight has a huge influence on her self esteem, and has admitted that losing weight will help a lot with her other problems, i just wanted advice to help kick start it since it seems to me she might not have it in her. but i will take all your advice to heart, back off and support her (which i do try to do, but i know that even when i don't comment on her decisions, my body language gives my frustration away). i will make a more concerted effort, we will go to counseling, and i will do what i need to do and try not to worry so much about what she is doing (or not doing)
Is she putting forth any effort in ANY aspect of her life and your marriage? Any at all?
no, and that's why i'm so frustrated. she wants a better job, and has been encouraged at work to take a couple drafting courses, but she keeps making excuses to put that off. i tell her that i need more affection (not just sex), and it lasts a day or two, then dwindles back down to her spending our time together on our phone.0 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »_dracarys_ wrote: »WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »yes, she suffers from depression, she will admit that. but i don't know what from, and she doesn't do anything about it. like i said earlier, she tells her shrink everything is fine, gets her meds, and coasts through. a shrink she used to go to told her that exercising would help with depression and anxiety, but she's too depressed and anxious to work out. it is a cycle that i feel will only be broken through her finally deciding to. after three years of not reaching that decision, i don't know what is going to light a fire under her *kitten*. i fear she doesn't have it inside her, and I don't know how to help. the weight loss is the only thing i understand how to do, which is why i tend to focus on that, b/c it is a problem that i've conquered. hell, i even struggled with depression for several months that took a serious toll on me, and it was exercise that pulled me out of it. i don't want y'all to think that my only concern is having a skinny wife. i want the fun girl who liked doing things back. she's told me that her weight has a huge influence on her self esteem, and has admitted that losing weight will help a lot with her other problems, i just wanted advice to help kick start it since it seems to me she might not have it in her. but i will take all your advice to heart, back off and support her (which i do try to do, but i know that even when i don't comment on her decisions, my body language gives my frustration away). i will make a more concerted effort, we will go to counseling, and i will do what i need to do and try not to worry so much about what she is doing (or not doing)
Is she putting forth any effort in ANY aspect of her life and your marriage? Any at all?
no, and that's why i'm so frustrated. she wants a better job, and has been encouraged at work to take a couple drafting courses, but she keeps making excuses to put that off. i tell her that i need more affection (not just sex), and it lasts a day or two, then dwindles back down to her spending our time together on our phone.
Sorry, dude. There's only so much of that people can tolerate. I hope it gets better, but at some point you're gonna have to decide if you want to stay on a sinking ship.0
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