helping to motivate a spouse w/o being an a-hole
Replies
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tara_means_star wrote: »OP has already explained its not the weight that bugs him but that she keeps saying she will do something and then doesn't. The lack of follow through is the problem. MFP forum guidelines say to stick to the topic and considering this is a fitness and food site not marriage then I would say the judgement statement that he "obviously married the wrong person" is off topic, inappropriate, and he nor anyone else on here are qualified to say that. MFP shut down a thread because people were discussing the OPs parenting, I don't see how this is any different.
If you think the topic is not the OP's marriage, then
A). I don't think we're reading the same topic
B ). Your multiple comments are way more off topic than the other user's single comment
C). Surely you're familiar with the right way to handle posts that do not comply with forum guidelines. Please do not forget to address all the posts recommending individual and couples counseling as well
Discussing the specific part the OP brought up is on topic, making judgements about his marriage is not. OP was the first one to say he wanted to do counseling, so not applicable.0 -
tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »OP has already explained its not the weight that bugs him but that she keeps saying she will do something and then doesn't. The lack of follow through is the problem. MFP forum guidelines say to stick to the topic and considering this is a fitness and food site not marriage then I would say the judgement statement that he "obviously married the wrong person" is off topic, inappropriate, and he nor anyone else on here are qualified to say that. MFP shut down a thread because people were discussing the OPs parenting, I don't see how this is any different.
If you think the topic is not the OP's marriage, then
A). I don't think we're reading the same topic
B ). Your multiple comments are way more off topic than the other user's single comment
C). Surely you're familiar with the right way to handle posts that do not comply with forum guidelines. Please do not forget to address all the posts recommending individual and couples counseling as well
Discussing the specific part the OP brought up is on topic, making judgements about his marriage is not. OP was the first one to say he wanted to do counseling, so not applicable.
Yup, not quite the only food and fitness thing you mentioned earlier though, is it? You don't have to like the statement that was made. All this stuff you're claiming though... tsk... yeah0 -
tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »OP has already explained its not the weight that bugs him but that she keeps saying she will do something and then doesn't. The lack of follow through is the problem. MFP forum guidelines say to stick to the topic and considering this is a fitness and food site not marriage then I would say the judgement statement that he "obviously married the wrong person" is off topic, inappropriate, and he nor anyone else on here are qualified to say that. MFP shut down a thread because people were discussing the OPs parenting, I don't see how this is any different.
If you think the topic is not the OP's marriage, then
A). I don't think we're reading the same topic
B ). Your multiple comments are way more off topic than the other user's single comment
C). Surely you're familiar with the right way to handle posts that do not comply with forum guidelines. Please do not forget to address all the posts recommending individual and couples counseling as well
Discussing the specific part the OP brought up is on topic, making judgements about his marriage is not. OP was the first one to say he wanted to do counseling, so not applicable.
Yup, not quite the only food and fitness thing you mentioned earlier though, is it? You don't have to like the statement that was made. All this stuff you're claiming though... tsk... yeah
Actually the part OP brought up was specifically related to food and fitness. He decided that a good way to handle the food and fitness problem he was having was therapy. Yeah.0 -
tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »OP has already explained its not the weight that bugs him but that she keeps saying she will do something and then doesn't. The lack of follow through is the problem. MFP forum guidelines say to stick to the topic and considering this is a fitness and food site not marriage then I would say the judgement statement that he "obviously married the wrong person" is off topic, inappropriate, and he nor anyone else on here are qualified to say that. MFP shut down a thread because people were discussing the OPs parenting, I don't see how this is any different.
If you think the topic is not the OP's marriage, then
A). I don't think we're reading the same topic
B ). Your multiple comments are way more off topic than the other user's single comment
C). Surely you're familiar with the right way to handle posts that do not comply with forum guidelines. Please do not forget to address all the posts recommending individual and couples counseling as well
Discussing the specific part the OP brought up is on topic, making judgements about his marriage is not. OP was the first one to say he wanted to do counseling, so not applicable.
Yup, not quite the only food and fitness thing you mentioned earlier though, is it? You don't have to like the statement that was made. All this stuff you're claiming though... tsk... yeah
Actually the part OP brought up was specifically related to food and fitness. He decided that a good way to handle the food and fitness problem he was having was therapy. Yeah.
Really? All by himself? Or perhaps with the help of some "off topic" suggestions?0 -
Not in response to "off topic suggestions." In response to people asking questions to better understand the problem. Telling someone they clearly married the wrong person is uncalled for, especially since a couple pages back the OP was able to resolve the issue with his wife himself. I'm not really sure why we keep arguing this. You weren't the one who said they were clearly wrong for each other. I didn't have a problem with asking why he'd marry someone he wanted to change. I don't think it's anyone's business to tell someone they are or aren't right for someone else, especially people on the internet like us who are so wholly unconnected with their lives.0
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tara_means_star wrote: »Not in response to "off topic suggestions." In response to people asking questions to better understand the problem. Telling someone they clearly married the wrong person is uncalled for, especially since a couple pages back the OP was able to resolve the issue with his wife himself. I'm not really sure why we keep arguing this. You weren't the one who said they were clearly wrong for each other. I didn't have a problem with asking why he'd marry someone he wanted to change. I don't think it's anyone's business to tell someone they are or aren't right for someone else, especially people on the internet like us who are so wholly unconnected with their lives.
It's a risk you take when you make a post regarding your situation on a public forum. Again, I understand that you don't like the comment. I disagree about it being inappropriate, off topic or against forum rules or what not. As to why "we" keep arguing about this, you hold approximately 50% of that answer0 -
tara_means_star wrote: »Not in response to "off topic suggestions." In response to people asking questions to better understand the problem. Telling someone they clearly married the wrong person is uncalled for, especially since a couple pages back the OP was able to resolve the issue with his wife himself. I'm not really sure why we keep arguing this. You weren't the one who said they were clearly wrong for each other. I didn't have a problem with asking why he'd marry someone he wanted to change. I don't think it's anyone's business to tell someone they are or aren't right for someone else, especially people on the internet like us who are so wholly unconnected with their lives.
It's a risk you take when you make a post regarding your situation on a public forum. Again, I understand that you don't like the comment. I disagree about it being inappropriate, off topic or against forum rules or what not. As to why "we" keep arguing about this, you hold approximately 50% of that answer
I wasn't asking that question as an attack on you for continuing the argument--more rhetorical really because yes, I realize that you are not arguing by yourself
You're right, I don't like it. I don't think it's ever appropriate to make that kind of statement about someone else's life, especially if you aren't apart of that life. I don't think asking a question is an invitation to make any comment you want. 0 -
tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »Not in response to "off topic suggestions." In response to people asking questions to better understand the problem. Telling someone they clearly married the wrong person is uncalled for, especially since a couple pages back the OP was able to resolve the issue with his wife himself. I'm not really sure why we keep arguing this. You weren't the one who said they were clearly wrong for each other. I didn't have a problem with asking why he'd marry someone he wanted to change. I don't think it's anyone's business to tell someone they are or aren't right for someone else, especially people on the internet like us who are so wholly unconnected with their lives.
It's a risk you take when you make a post regarding your situation on a public forum. Again, I understand that you don't like the comment. I disagree about it being inappropriate, off topic or against forum rules or what not. As to why "we" keep arguing about this, you hold approximately 50% of that answer
I wasn't asking that question as an attack on you for continuing the argument--more rhetorical really because yes, I realize that you are not arguing by yourself You're right, I don't like it. I don't think it's ever appropriate to make that kind of statement about someone else's life, especially if you aren't apart of that life. I don't think asking a question is an invitation to make any comment you want.
Heh, thanks for clarifying
For me I think OP is a big boy. The vast majority of us on this forum are not part of each other's lives. Holding back comments because you don't know all the details that could possibly entitle you to make them would not be that helpful, IMO.0 -
Cook together, take dance lessons, get her out in the evenings after dinner, eat at the table to promote good conversation. Join weight watchers with her? Don't make this her issue alone. However, true motivation comes from within.0
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tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »Not in response to "off topic suggestions." In response to people asking questions to better understand the problem. Telling someone they clearly married the wrong person is uncalled for, especially since a couple pages back the OP was able to resolve the issue with his wife himself. I'm not really sure why we keep arguing this. You weren't the one who said they were clearly wrong for each other. I didn't have a problem with asking why he'd marry someone he wanted to change. I don't think it's anyone's business to tell someone they are or aren't right for someone else, especially people on the internet like us who are so wholly unconnected with their lives.
It's a risk you take when you make a post regarding your situation on a public forum. Again, I understand that you don't like the comment. I disagree about it being inappropriate, off topic or against forum rules or what not. As to why "we" keep arguing about this, you hold approximately 50% of that answer
I wasn't asking that question as an attack on you for continuing the argument--more rhetorical really because yes, I realize that you are not arguing by yourself You're right, I don't like it. I don't think it's ever appropriate to make that kind of statement about someone else's life, especially if you aren't apart of that life. I don't think asking a question is an invitation to make any comment you want.
Heh, thanks for clarifying
For me I think OP is a big boy. The vast majority of us on this forum are not part of each other's lives. Holding back comments because you don't know all the details that could possibly entitle you to make them would not be that helpful, IMO.
You might think this is crazy, but I really have seen damage done to people because they gave too much power to something a stranger on the internet said. People should probably be able to filter what is said to them better (especially from people they don't know), but it's not always the case. I think context on here is everything--in posting a thread, we are basically asking people to analyze some part of or life and give us feedback on it. I don't think asking someone to help us, though, gives anyone grounds to make judgement calls about our lives or the ability to say whatever they want to. I saw someone ask on here how to handle people telling them they were too skinny and the guy told her she definitely needed to lose more weight because he thought she was still a fatty. Obviously, she invited people here to critique her in some way but she was still totally justified in being offended because it didn't give him the rights to say whatever he wanted to just because. I don't know if this makes sense but it's basically just a story to help me explain my point.0 -
Taking about it and doing it are two different things. When she started talking about it, was is on her own or did you bring up the topic? It sounds like she needs to work on her self esteem before she works on whats on the outside. You said she was large when you married her, so NO it's not fair at all to try to make her lose weight, it's like marrying a smoker and hoping they will quit cause they keep talking about it and when they don't you get pissed off. You can only control what you do, what you can do is simply tell her, you are here to help. But she needs to stop talking about it, you won't listen to it anymore, but when she is truly ready and starts showing effort you will help and leave it at that. I am sure your whole relationship was not based on her weight. Marriage is something you need to continue to work on. If you still love her and want to be there for her, show her. Start doing things you both enjoy, going for a nice walk, going to the movies etc. If you no longer love her and don't want to be with her anymore than end it. Congrats on all your hard work, this is a personal journey. Yes it's nice when your partner does it with you, but they don't have to if they don't want to. I wish you best and hope your marriage improves.0
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Not really on topic, but to the people saying marriage is hard... I have to disagree. A marriage will have a few hard times, but overall your overarching opinion of it should be that it brings you joy and comfort and security. If your automatic response is "it's hard" I think you are doing it wrong.0
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I'm not sure what everyone has said since there are way to many posts to reading them all. I apologize if I am just repeating. I will say that you can not motivate someone to do it. Motivation is an internal thing. You can encourage and support but not motivate. There is a reason why she keeps saying she going to loose weight and never does. Until you figure out that issue and fix it, well shes never going to do it. You said she has anxiety and depression; that;s probably the root of the problem. I know you said many dr suggested she try exercise but have they actually put a plan into place for her? It one thing to tell her to do something and another to actually help her do it. Have they put a plan into place where she can discuss her feelings with a professional? A program where she can learn steps to over come her issues with her anxiety and depression? A plan to see a dietitian or a personal trainer? Most of all has she been recommended to any support groups for her anxiety and depression? Did they put a plan together for you? It's just as important for you to understand depression and anxiety disorders. It just as important that you learn how to deal with living with someone who has these disorders and have someone to talk to about it. Honestly until these underlining issues of anxiety and depression is fixed or at least in the process of being worked on, shes probably not going to be interested or motivated to exercise. Her bad eating habits is probably a coping mechanism for the feelings she has.
You also said your words are not always so "nice"...well not being "nice" is going to discourage her more and cause more resentment. You also mentioned her not packing her self a lunch is an issue for you. Have you tried doing it for her? Maybe cook her nice healthy meals as a "date night" for you too? Pack her a nice health lunch when you pack yours. Kind of turn it more into a "just because I love you" thing instead of "you better get healthy" thing. She might be more willing to accept your help that way.
If she isn't interested in working out with you, then I suggest encouraging her to workout alone or with someone else. She might be too intimidated to work out with you. It might discourage her because you are so fit and you are putting pressure onto her. Your routine might also be way out of her league. So if you opt to workout with her, remember to work at her level and not yours. I don't just mean weight, reps or time wise. You might be in shape to do 50 exercises during one workout day while she might be able to do 5. Better yet try an activity she likes to do instead of ones you do. Is there any you can cover up the workout aspects? How about instead of saying lets go to the gym to run or run around the pond, how about saying lets take a romantic stroll around the park. Walking holding hands might be the only amount of exercise she can tolerate at the moment. You have to remember the amount of exercise you think she should be doing might not be realistic for her to do. Walking a lap or two around that pond might be all that she can tolerate. If she sticks with it, her cardio endurance and leg muscles will build up so she can walk another lap as time goes on. Lots of times I started the gym, someone would throw me into a program that was way out of my league. I would get discouraged because I couldn't keep up or do have the moves. She might feel this way.
I would also point out you said she coughs a lot. Has she seen a dr about this? I recently started another attempt at the gym. I've tried in the past and always hated it because I couldn't stand the coughing and having trouble breathing. This time someone I know is putting a program together for me. She is a fitness instructor and a registered nurse. She quickly noticed that I have exercised endued asthma. The cold weather or changes in temp causes me to have issues with it as well; really any stress on my lungs cause me to cough. I always thought it was normal to have breathing problems or coughing fits because I was over weight. I thought my weight was the issue but it turns out it is not fully the issue; mind you my over weight and poor cardiovascular health does play a part. I was told exercise and cardiovascular wise I would progress slower then the friend who works out with me. Unlike my friend I have two things fighting against me. One, my body isn't use to exercising so my muscles have been oxygen deprived. My body has to get use to sending the proper amount of oxygenated blood down to my feet and back up to my heart. Two my lungs do not work as efficiently as non asthmatics do. My lungs start to close over and have to fight to stay open so I draw in less oxygen. So now my body needs to learn how to keep my lungs open and bring in the proper amount of oxygen that I need for exercise. Since I lack proper amounts of oxygen, I get tired a lot faster then my friend. My body really needs to learn how to adjust two these two things. Now that I have a puffer, I can actually start to breath better instead of coughing and wheezing 5mins in. My improved breathing has made me breath so much better and lets me enjoy working out more then I use to. If she has this as well, she really needs a puffer and you need to remember that she isn't going to progress as fast as you would expect. It doesn't mean she can't workout. She needs help with breathing and its going to take her longer to progress to the same level because she doesn't tolerate activity as well.0 -
tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »Not in response to "off topic suggestions." In response to people asking questions to better understand the problem. Telling someone they clearly married the wrong person is uncalled for, especially since a couple pages back the OP was able to resolve the issue with his wife himself. I'm not really sure why we keep arguing this. You weren't the one who said they were clearly wrong for each other. I didn't have a problem with asking why he'd marry someone he wanted to change. I don't think it's anyone's business to tell someone they are or aren't right for someone else, especially people on the internet like us who are so wholly unconnected with their lives.
It's a risk you take when you make a post regarding your situation on a public forum. Again, I understand that you don't like the comment. I disagree about it being inappropriate, off topic or against forum rules or what not. As to why "we" keep arguing about this, you hold approximately 50% of that answer
I wasn't asking that question as an attack on you for continuing the argument--more rhetorical really because yes, I realize that you are not arguing by yourself You're right, I don't like it. I don't think it's ever appropriate to make that kind of statement about someone else's life, especially if you aren't apart of that life. I don't think asking a question is an invitation to make any comment you want.
Heh, thanks for clarifying
For me I think OP is a big boy. The vast majority of us on this forum are not part of each other's lives. Holding back comments because you don't know all the details that could possibly entitle you to make them would not be that helpful, IMO.
You might think this is crazy, but I really have seen damage done to people because they gave too much power to something a stranger on the internet said. People should probably be able to filter what is said to them better (especially from people they don't know), but it's not always the case. I think context on here is everything--in posting a thread, we are basically asking people to analyze some part of or life and give us feedback on it. I don't think asking someone to help us, though, gives anyone grounds to make judgement calls about our lives or the ability to say whatever they want to. I saw someone ask on here how to handle people telling them they were too skinny and the guy told her she definitely needed to lose more weight because he thought she was still a fatty. Obviously, she invited people here to critique her in some way but she was still totally justified in being offended because it didn't give him the rights to say whatever he wanted to just because. I don't know if this makes sense but it's basically just a story to help me explain my point.
I disagree. When you ask for help on a public forum, you're exactly asking for feedback and judgement calls on your life from a bunch of strangers. If anyone can't handle that, then either don't make those types of posts or step away from the Internet. Your example is not really similar to what happened here because it appears that poster was being disrespectful with the name calling. Here we're just wondering why you'd marry someone and then try to change them. No reason for the OP to get butthurt or run to divorce court. Just a reason to think about things perhaps from a different perspective. Again, if you only want one view point, inquiring about a situation on the Internet may not be for you0 -
Mistraal1981 wrote: »Not really on topic, but to the people saying marriage is hard... I have to disagree. A marriage will have a few hard times, but overall your overarching opinion of it should be that it brings you joy and comfort and security. If your automatic response is "it's hard" I think you are doing it wrong.
I 100% agree with you.0 -
It sounds like there is something going on with her that maybe she isn't telling you. Maybe she's afraid if she loses the weight she'll have loose skin and she won't be attractive to you anymore because of that. Maybe she was raped in the past and her weight is a subconscious way to keep attackers away. Maybe she has PCOS and losing weight is really hard for her and it's discouraging.
Honestly, it might take you being a jerk before anything will change. It wasn't until after my boyfriend was a complete jerk that I started taking losing weight seriously. But I'd sit down and talk to her first. Tell her you're concerned and maybe lay down what you've told us in your inital post.0 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »
her social anxiety won't allow her to go to a gym. I honestly don't see where MFP will work if she doesn't do her WW points. while i agree in theory that counting calories together could work, i foresee it turning into me "judging" or controlling her when i suggest we log in.
My husband is a different scenario - he will randomly get obsessed with losing weight and start starving himself and overexercising outside until he makes himself sick. It worries me to no end.
He will not go to the gym with me because he's self conscious, so aside from those spikes of exercise obsession he doesn't exercise... So I bought "us" an elliptical for the house (under $200). And now he exercises regularly and more reasonably.
He hates logging, and I've tried to tell him that losing slowly over time is better, but he always wants results quick before an event or vacation. I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes recently (yay, hormones!
) so we have started eating in pretty exclusively (my gestational diabetes is diet controlled), within my carb allowance for each meal. He will have a few more snacks, but even then he has lost 12 pounds from diet alone the past month. Maybe cooking healthy meals for you two would help?
I feel like making it about changing your daily routine and making it easier for her to exercise at home would help.0 -
I agree with MHarper522. If she is self conscious then working out at home is a lot better. There are some easy beachbody videos like 21day fit or the P90 for beginners (the most resent one put out).
You also mention time wise it be hard for you to make meals because you get up so early. Ever think about taking one of your days off and spend it cooking. Make a bunch of healthy meals and then freeze them. You could also do up a bunch of healthy snack in bags or containers as well. I found it a lot easier this way. That way when I had no time to cook, I wasn't grabbing junk or heading to get fast food.
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I'm basically your wife. I'm on and off MFP, on and off diet/exercise fads, gaining/losing small amounts of weight, and I have a insecurities about my body. And I have this great fiance, who is also trying to lose weight. It sucks, and whenever my fiance tries to make a helpful suggestion, it just aggravates me. I would suggest you take charge of the food in the house. Cook, buy groceries, etc. Make it easy to eat healthy. I work crazy hours this week so today I'm cooking as much as I can. Go for walks together; not super arduous hikes, but a walk around the neighborhood. Walking and talking with my fiance doesn't feel like exercise, just a nice way to spend time together outside the apartment.0
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WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »my wife has been telling me for years that all she needs from me is encouragement, not judgement or me pushing her to exercise or eat better. it perplexed me, because all i could think about was, "you haven't done anything to deserve encouragement". i kept thinking that once she crossed that threshold and started exercising and eating better, i'd shower her with praise, but she had to do her part to earn it. i knew deep down that as my wife she shouldn't have to earn praise and encouragement, but it was still confusing to me. it wasn't until i heard the same from so many other people outside the situation that it clicked, that backing off and just creating an environment where she feels could produce the results we both want. last night i apologized for being so pushy, explained that deep down i just wanted her to be happy, and that i believed so much that getting healthier would make her happier and that caused me to go overboard with the encouragement. i let her know that i understood that's not how i'm supposed to make her happy, and that i would be working on it, and asked in advance to forgive me if my body language gave away my frustrations with any of her choices. she admitted that she hadn't been giving WW much effort, and that she wanted to lose weight, but when i got "controlling" her brain would tell her to fight and take back control, basically thinking "i'll show you, i just won't do anything". we had a good evening together, and this morning was the first one in awhile that didn't have an air of tension between us. She didn't eat as healthy as she could have last night, and she didn't get up early with me to exercise, but it actually wasn't that hard for me to just let it slide. Hopefully i can keep it up. We still have a lot to work on and will need help, but the foundation is there. Thanks again to everyone who gave advice and shared similar experiences.
OP, no offense, but you do not get it. At all.
You are thinking still you can make her lose weight, and get her to change her lifestyle, based on what you do, what you say, or what you stop doing. You cannot.
It is not you being pushy, not being pushy, being encouraging, not being encouraging, talking about lifestyle changes, not talking about lifestyle changes. You are not going to change her, she is doing none of this because of you, to please you, to anger you or whatever. You cannot control this.
If there is a mental illness, with a lot of help from a medical team, you might be able to make positive changes. Depending on the diagnosis, you might be able to do nothing at all, or with the proper meds and support change things slowly. Think years here, not days or weeks.
If the issue is just an incompatibility in personalities (people can be sedentary, overweight, insecure and not interested in any activity that involves getting out of the house, while being completely healthy, mentally healthy), then you either accept it, or move on.
Figure out what is the case, and what you can do. Forget thinking this is about you. Many marriages start with the expectation from one partner to change the other. It does not work. During the flirting period or the honeymoon part of the relationship, people might try changing who they are for a while. But after this, no, you do not control how things go. You accept it or end it.
If you are saying you can accept your sedentary, overweight, possibly depressed wife, and this new behaviour is your way of accepting this is how things are, good for you. But what I read is you are seriously thinking her whole personality these last years was a reaction to your behaviour, and you acting a different way will suddenly change her. Forget it. Stop thinking the new positive you after a few days will have her eating salads and grilled fish and joining you for long walks. This is not how it works.0 -
I think positive reinforcement is the best option. And help her cook or plan healthy meals. Do healthy stuff together.
Go on walks with her. Tell her she looks pretty. Encourage her. Give her affection. She might just need love and motivation. Get her some new workout clothes. Remind her how good it will feel after she does physical activity.
My advice is be positive, it's a lifestyle change.
Eat healthy fresh foods together.0
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