helping to motivate a spouse w/o being an a-hole
Replies
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MommyL2015 wrote: »If I found out that my husband was airing my dirty laundry on the Internet, I would first be livid. Then hurt, embarrassed and shamed.
This is the only relevant response you need. Seriously, shouldn't you be talking to HER (or a marriage counselor) about this instead of a bunch of internet strangers on a calorie-counting website? She's your wife, man. You loved her enough to marry her, right? We are getting what you say the problem is. Where is she to defend herself and give her side?
If there's one thing I have learned after one failed relationship it's that you cannot change people. They change when they are ready. You either make that work or you don't.
I was okay with the original question when the OP had no avi. I think it's good to try to talk with her but it sounds like he has and now he's trying to get input/ideas from others because what he's done hasn't helped. However, now his avi is up and it makes it less of an anonymous plea for help.
everyone else had one, so i put one up. idk what you think my agenda is. i've been posting on other threads on this forum and enjoy talking about fitness. none of my friends work out, so i plan on coming here more for my fitness talk.0 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »MommyL2015 wrote: »If I found out that my husband was airing my dirty laundry on the Internet, I would first be livid. Then hurt, embarrassed and shamed.
This is the only relevant response you need. Seriously, shouldn't you be talking to HER (or a marriage counselor) about this instead of a bunch of internet strangers on a calorie-counting website? She's your wife, man. You loved her enough to marry her, right? We are getting what you say the problem is. Where is she to defend herself and give her side?
If there's one thing I have learned after one failed relationship it's that you cannot change people. They change when they are ready. You either make that work or you don't.
I was okay with the original question when the OP had no avi. I think it's good to try to talk with her but it sounds like he has and now he's trying to get input/ideas from others because what he's done hasn't helped. However, now his avi is up and it makes it less of an anonymous plea for help.
everyone else had one, so i put one up. idk what you think my agenda is. i've been posting on other threads on this forum and enjoy talking about fitness. none of my friends work out, so i plan on coming here more for my fitness talk.
No need to get salty. I never said anything about an agenda. If you're fine with one of your wife's friends or relatives seeing your avi and reporting back to her that you are posting her personal business online, carry on. If I wanted to help my relationship with somebody without being an a-hole I'd try to post anonymously to get help but you do what makes you happy.0 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »missblondi2u wrote: »The way you describe things, I think the drill sergeant dynamic is already the reality, and clearly not effective. I have quite a few friends and family in the military, and sometimes that "suck it up, soldier" mentality peeks through without you realizing it. Maybe a softer, less adversarial approach is in order.
For instance, you seem to have focused quite a bit on the exercising, but if your wife doesn't like working out she doesn't have to in order to lose weight. I'm not saying exercise isn't a good idea, but if it's a sticking point then why not help her start losing without it at first, then ease into it later as her self esteem and motivation builds?
Do you guys shop for and cook meals together? Why not pack her lunch for her sometimes so she can "lolly gag" (I'm thinking this is man-speak for just doing your hair and makeup) and still have a healthy lunch? While you're at it, leave a nice note inside telling her how beautiful she is!
I've been in her shoes, and I know how daunting weight loss can seem. An unkind or thoughtless word from someone you love can be heartbreaking when you feel so vulnerable, so take it easy on her and just support her as best you can.
she's been on WW for two years with no results, i don't know how she will do it w/o exercising, plus it will help with her mental health
yes we do shop together. I guess i could try make her lunch as well, but i wake up between 0430-0530 depending on what exercise i do that morning, and i move non stop in order to get myself ready to leave on time. lolly gagging is southern speak for not doing anything while there is stuff to do. she sits on the couch for 15 minutes at a time on her phone instead of getting ready
Oh dear.
There's nothing you can do or say that will make her want to lose weight or exercise. Any comment or suggestion coming from you is going to be perceived as criticism whether you intend that or not. Definitely stop with the exercise stuff. If she doesn't work out now how is she supposed to keep up with a fit weekend warrior? We can't out run bad eating anyway.
Another vote for marriage counseling.
For the love of all holy do not show her this thread!!!!!!!!0 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »MommyL2015 wrote: »If I found out that my husband was airing my dirty laundry on the Internet, I would first be livid. Then hurt, embarrassed and shamed.
This is the only relevant response you need. Seriously, shouldn't you be talking to HER (or a marriage counselor) about this instead of a bunch of internet strangers on a calorie-counting website? She's your wife, man. You loved her enough to marry her, right? We are getting what you say the problem is. Where is she to defend herself and give her side?
If there's one thing I have learned after one failed relationship it's that you cannot change people. They change when they are ready. You either make that work or you don't.
I was okay with the original question when the OP had no avi. I think it's good to try to talk with her but it sounds like he has and now he's trying to get input/ideas from others because what he's done hasn't helped. However, now his avi is up and it makes it less of an anonymous plea for help.
everyone else had one, so i put one up. idk what you think my agenda is. i've been posting on other threads on this forum and enjoy talking about fitness. none of my friends work out, so i plan on coming here more for my fitness talk.
No need to get salty. I never said anything about an agenda. If you're fine with one of your wife's friends or relatives seeing your avi and reporting back to her that you are posting her personal business online, carry on. If I wanted to help my relationship with somebody without being an a-hole I'd try to post anonymously to get help but you do what makes you happy.
my next post will be asking how to respond to advice w/o being an a-hole0 -
I doubt anyone could recognise you from that pic anyway lol. Look, you obviously care enough to ask others for advice and I get it. This is a community. About weight and issues surrounding it. I hope you find the link I posted helpful. I think contacting a mental health charity in your area for support and advice would be a good start0
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WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »yes, she suffers from depression, she will admit that. but i don't know what from, and she doesn't do anything about it. like i said earlier, she tells her shrink everything is fine, gets her meds, and coasts through. a shrink she used to go to told her that exercising would help with depression and anxiety, but she's too depressed and anxious to work out. it is a cycle that i feel will only be broken through her finally deciding to. after three years of not reaching that decision, i don't know what is going to light a fire under her *kitten*. i fear she doesn't have it inside her, and I don't know how to help. the weight loss is the only thing i understand how to do, which is why i tend to focus on that, b/c it is a problem that i've conquered. hell, i even struggled with depression for several months that took a serious toll on me, and it was exercise that pulled me out of it. i don't want y'all to think that my only concern is having a skinny wife. i want the fun girl who liked doing things back. she's told me that her weight has a huge influence on her self esteem, and has admitted that losing weight will help a lot with her other problems, i just wanted advice to help kick start it since it seems to me she might not have it in her. but i will take all your advice to heart, back off and support her (which i do try to do, but i know that even when i don't comment on her decisions, my body language gives my frustration away). i will make a more concerted effort, we will go to counseling, and i will do what i need to do and try not to worry so much about what she is doing (or not doing)
I'm saying this in an effort to be helpful and supportive (so I hope you take it as such)...I'm not sure you fully understand depression, and it could be helpful if you were a little more educated about what your wife may/may not be dealing with. (We're not hearing her side, or her doctor's side, so this is very generalized. If it's not applicable, I apologize).
You said that you had a bout of depression and were pulled out of it by exercise. That was most likely a form of acute or situational depression -- lots of people have them, they tend to be short-term and they don't typically recur. They tend to be, but are not always, brought on by an event or occurrence and are therefore easier to understand. If, for example, someone lost a job or had some other significant life change, felt depressed for a short time, and experienced relief from the depression, that's acute.
If she's on medication, she's most likely experiencing chronic depression, which is a different animal entirely. It's typically due in some part to a brain chemistry imbalance, which may be treated with medication or cognitive behavioral therapy (most psychiatrists will tell you that, if necessary, a combination of both medication and therapy will be the most effective). Chronic depression can be present for years, or it may come and go over a lifetime. It's more difficult to understand, because it doesn't always have an identifiable event that "caused" the depression. Most of the time there isn't a "why," other than "the person's brain chemistry doesn't work the way we'd like it to."
I get why you're pointing to exercise as something that would help -- it helped fix your acute depression, and it almost always helps with chronic depression as well. What it won't do is cure chronic depression. If that's what's really going on with her, she needs to address the depression first, because it's the elephant in the room. Many of her other problems (lack of motivation, libido, social anxiety, low self-esteem, etc.) are probably being caused or exacerbated by depression. If she can get that under control, a lot of the secondary issues will be easier to handle.0 -
Have you asked her what you could do to help her? And done just that. Nothing more.
Can you be in charge of making and packing meals? Would she let you track her calories and do the work of weighing stuff out? No judgement about how much or what she should eat just the record keeper.
I do 90% of the cooking and weighing of food for my husband and I.0 -
You are taking some flak on this post, but I just want to say that I have read every comment and I believe from your statements that you genuinely love your wife and care about her health. You are clearly frustrated by her downward spiral and inability/unwillingness to pull herself out of it, which also leaves you in a one-sided relationship. That is incredibly unfair. I commend you for staying by her side during this difficult point in your marriage and trying to figure out how to help her and your marriage instead of giving up. I hope the two of you find a path forward towards peace and happiness, and even have fun together again.0
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WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »yes, she suffers from depression, she will admit that. but i don't know what from, and she doesn't do anything about it. like i said earlier, she tells her shrink everything is fine, gets her meds, and coasts through. a shrink she used to go to told her that exercising would help with depression and anxiety, but she's too depressed and anxious to work out. it is a cycle that i feel will only be broken through her finally deciding to. after three years of not reaching that decision, i don't know what is going to light a fire under her *kitten*. i fear she doesn't have it inside her, and I don't know how to help. the weight loss is the only thing i understand how to do, which is why i tend to focus on that, b/c it is a problem that i've conquered. hell, i even struggled with depression for several months that took a serious toll on me, and it was exercise that pulled me out of it. i don't want y'all to think that my only concern is having a skinny wife. i want the fun girl who liked doing things back. she's told me that her weight has a huge influence on her self esteem, and has admitted that losing weight will help a lot with her other problems, i just wanted advice to help kick start it since it seems to me she might not have it in her. but i will take all your advice to heart, back off and support her (which i do try to do, but i know that even when i don't comment on her decisions, my body language gives my frustration away). i will make a more concerted effort, we will go to counseling, and i will do what i need to do and try not to worry so much about what she is doing (or not doing)
I'm saying this in an effort to be helpful and supportive (so I hope you take it as such)...I'm not sure you fully understand depression, and it could be helpful if you were a little more educated about what your wife may/may not be dealing with. (We're not hearing her side, or her doctor's side, so this is very generalized. If it's not applicable, I apologize).
You said that you had a bout of depression and were pulled out of it by exercise. That was most likely a form of acute or situational depression -- lots of people have them, they tend to be short-term and they don't typically recur. They tend to be, but are not always, brought on by an event or occurrence and are therefore easier to understand. If, for example, someone lost a job or had some other significant life change, felt depressed for a short time, and experienced relief from the depression, that's acute.
If she's on medication, she's most likely experiencing chronic depression, which is a different animal entirely. It's typically due in some part to a brain chemistry imbalance, which may be treated with medication or cognitive behavioral therapy (most psychiatrists will tell you that, if necessary, a combination of both medication and therapy will be the most effective). Chronic depression can be present for years, or it may come and go over a lifetime. It's more difficult to understand, because it doesn't always have an identifiable event that "caused" the depression. Most of the time there isn't a "why," other than "the person's brain chemistry doesn't work the way we'd like it to."
I get why you're pointing to exercise as something that would help -- it helped fix your acute depression, and it almost always helps with chronic depression as well. What it won't do is cure chronic depression. If that's what's really going on with her, she needs to address the depression first, because it's the elephant in the room. Many of her other problems (lack of motivation, libido, social anxiety, low self-esteem, etc.) are probably being caused or exacerbated by depression. If she can get that under control, a lot of the secondary issues will be easier to handle.
i absolutely don't understand it, and maybe i should have gone to a mental health forum instead of here, but fitness is what i know. i guess i did think that exercise could help with her depression as i did with mine (i believe you are correct about mine being of a different nature than hers-acute). i've tried to get her to open up more with her shrink (i don't use this term in a derogatory way, i just am not sure if she goes to a psychiatrist or psychologist) and even went with her to a couple sessions, but she drags her heals on that front as well. because of another post i've started researching the depression more, and will try to speak with my wife about that and lay off the weight loss part.0 -
You are taking some flak on this post, but I just want to say that I have read every comment and I believe from your statements that you genuinely love your wife and care about her health. You are clearly frustrated by her downward spiral and inability/unwillingness to pull herself out of it, which also leaves you in a one-sided relationship. That is incredibly unfair. I commend you for staying by her side during this difficult point in your marriage and trying to figure out how to help her and your marriage instead of giving up. I hope the two of you find a path forward towards peace and happiness, and even have fun together again.
+10 -
Is there a way to suggest doing active things together that would be fun exercise for both of you? Instigate a 'date night' where you go bowling, play mini-golf, go hiking, etc, go get moving? It might be good quality time where you can just be together and have fun instead of dealing with the stressful topic of 'weight loss'.
Once she starts moving, and starts feeling better about making a positive change, maybe she'll start moving more overall?
I know that when my ex-boyfriend and I started bowling, he quickly went from one night a week 'date night' to joining a league, and then started lifting weights to improve his game. Went from couch potato to four nights of bowling a week, and three hours a week with the weight set that had been untouched in our basement for most of our relationship. That just started by asking what kind of date night would be fun for both of us.0 -
Has she had a recent physical with blood tests for thyroid, vitamin D, anemia, female hormones, etc? Just wondering if there may a physical condition contributing to her lethargy. I can sympathize with your situation because I have 2 friends always moaning about weight and being out of shape, but they do absolutely nothing to move in a positive direction (and in fact continue to gain weight and get more out of shape every year). If I had to be in a relationship/living situation with them, I'd probably have a very difficult time containing my frustration.0
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You are taking some flak on this post, but I just want to say that I have read every comment and I believe from your statements that you genuinely love your wife and care about her health. You are clearly frustrated by her downward spiral and inability/unwillingness to pull herself out of it, which also leaves you in a one-sided relationship. That is incredibly unfair. I commend you for staying by her side during this difficult point in your marriage and trying to figure out how to help her and your marriage instead of giving up. I hope the two of you find a path forward towards peace and happiness, and even have fun together again.
+ 20 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »yes, she suffers from depression, she will admit that. but i don't know what from, and she doesn't do anything about it. like i said earlier, she tells her shrink everything is fine, gets her meds, and coasts through. a shrink she used to go to told her that exercising would help with depression and anxiety, but she's too depressed and anxious to work out. it is a cycle that i feel will only be broken through her finally deciding to. after three years of not reaching that decision, i don't know what is going to light a fire under her *kitten*. i fear she doesn't have it inside her, and I don't know how to help. the weight loss is the only thing i understand how to do, which is why i tend to focus on that, b/c it is a problem that i've conquered. hell, i even struggled with depression for several months that took a serious toll on me, and it was exercise that pulled me out of it. i don't want y'all to think that my only concern is having a skinny wife. i want the fun girl who liked doing things back. she's told me that her weight has a huge influence on her self esteem, and has admitted that losing weight will help a lot with her other problems, i just wanted advice to help kick start it since it seems to me she might not have it in her. but i will take all your advice to heart, back off and support her (which i do try to do, but i know that even when i don't comment on her decisions, my body language gives my frustration away). i will make a more concerted effort, we will go to counseling, and i will do what i need to do and try not to worry so much about what she is doing (or not doing)
I'm saying this in an effort to be helpful and supportive (so I hope you take it as such)...I'm not sure you fully understand depression, and it could be helpful if you were a little more educated about what your wife may/may not be dealing with. (We're not hearing her side, or her doctor's side, so this is very generalized. If it's not applicable, I apologize).
You said that you had a bout of depression and were pulled out of it by exercise. That was most likely a form of acute or situational depression -- lots of people have them, they tend to be short-term and they don't typically recur. They tend to be, but are not always, brought on by an event or occurrence and are therefore easier to understand. If, for example, someone lost a job or had some other significant life change, felt depressed for a short time, and experienced relief from the depression, that's acute.
If she's on medication, she's most likely experiencing chronic depression, which is a different animal entirely. It's typically due in some part to a brain chemistry imbalance, which may be treated with medication or cognitive behavioral therapy (most psychiatrists will tell you that, if necessary, a combination of both medication and therapy will be the most effective). Chronic depression can be present for years, or it may come and go over a lifetime. It's more difficult to understand, because it doesn't always have an identifiable event that "caused" the depression. Most of the time there isn't a "why," other than "the person's brain chemistry doesn't work the way we'd like it to."
I get why you're pointing to exercise as something that would help -- it helped fix your acute depression, and it almost always helps with chronic depression as well. What it won't do is cure chronic depression. If that's what's really going on with her, she needs to address the depression first, because it's the elephant in the room. Many of her other problems (lack of motivation, libido, social anxiety, low self-esteem, etc.) are probably being caused or exacerbated by depression. If she can get that under control, a lot of the secondary issues will be easier to handle.
i absolutely don't understand it, and maybe i should have gone to a mental health forum instead of here, but fitness is what i know. i guess i did think that exercise could help with her depression as i did with mine (i believe you are correct about mine being of a different nature than hers-acute). i've tried to get her to open up more with her shrink (i don't use this term in a derogatory way, i just am not sure if she goes to a psychiatrist or psychologist) and even went with her to a couple sessions, but she drags her heals on that front as well. because of another post i've started researching the depression more, and will try to speak with my wife about that and lay off the weight loss part.
You're clearly a very caring husband, and it's really obvious that you love your wife. It's totally fine to ask questions about exercise and depression here; there are a lot of people who are really knowledgeable about both.
I've found that it's really difficult to be objective about the effects of depression while you're in the middle of an episode. You wife might not be able to articulate what's going on, or she may be so far in it that she doesn't fully realize how much she's being impacted. (Again, I'm totally speculating. I could be 100% wrong). I tell people that depression is one of the only diseases that tries to convince you that it doesn't exist. If you have cancer, your tumor doesn't lie to you and convince you that you don't have a tumor, but that's exactly what depression does, and that makes it really hard to fight it.
Exercise can and does help, even with chronic depression. However, strenuous exercise can sometimes hurt more than nothing at all (if your energy level is already through the floor, which is really common with depression, the idea of going for a run can be as appealing as sticking a fork in your eyeball). Think baby steps and small improvements -- going for a walk just for some fresh air and sunshine can work wonders.
And btw..."shrink" is fine, at least with me. Other people may not like it, but I use it. "Psychiatrist" sounds like I'm a '50s housewife, and "psychologist" sounds like I'm going to see the school counselor.0 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »yes, she suffers from depression, she will admit that. but i don't know what from, and she doesn't do anything about it. like i said earlier, she tells her shrink everything is fine, gets her meds, and coasts through. a shrink she used to go to told her that exercising would help with depression and anxiety, but she's too depressed and anxious to work out. it is a cycle that i feel will only be broken through her finally deciding to. after three years of not reaching that decision, i don't know what is going to light a fire under her *kitten*. i fear she doesn't have it inside her, and I don't know how to help. the weight loss is the only thing i understand how to do, which is why i tend to focus on that, b/c it is a problem that i've conquered. hell, i even struggled with depression for several months that took a serious toll on me, and it was exercise that pulled me out of it. i don't want y'all to think that my only concern is having a skinny wife. i want the fun girl who liked doing things back. she's told me that her weight has a huge influence on her self esteem, and has admitted that losing weight will help a lot with her other problems, i just wanted advice to help kick start it since it seems to me she might not have it in her. but i will take all your advice to heart, back off and support her (which i do try to do, but i know that even when i don't comment on her decisions, my body language gives my frustration away). i will make a more concerted effort, we will go to counseling, and i will do what i need to do and try not to worry so much about what she is doing (or not doing)
I'm saying this in an effort to be helpful and supportive (so I hope you take it as such)...I'm not sure you fully understand depression, and it could be helpful if you were a little more educated about what your wife may/may not be dealing with. (We're not hearing her side, or her doctor's side, so this is very generalized. If it's not applicable, I apologize).
You said that you had a bout of depression and were pulled out of it by exercise. That was most likely a form of acute or situational depression -- lots of people have them, they tend to be short-term and they don't typically recur. They tend to be, but are not always, brought on by an event or occurrence and are therefore easier to understand. If, for example, someone lost a job or had some other significant life change, felt depressed for a short time, and experienced relief from the depression, that's acute.
If she's on medication, she's most likely experiencing chronic depression, which is a different animal entirely. It's typically due in some part to a brain chemistry imbalance, which may be treated with medication or cognitive behavioral therapy (most psychiatrists will tell you that, if necessary, a combination of both medication and therapy will be the most effective). Chronic depression can be present for years, or it may come and go over a lifetime. It's more difficult to understand, because it doesn't always have an identifiable event that "caused" the depression. Most of the time there isn't a "why," other than "the person's brain chemistry doesn't work the way we'd like it to."
I get why you're pointing to exercise as something that would help -- it helped fix your acute depression, and it almost always helps with chronic depression as well. What it won't do is cure chronic depression. If that's what's really going on with her, she needs to address the depression first, because it's the elephant in the room. Many of her other problems (lack of motivation, libido, social anxiety, low self-esteem, etc.) are probably being caused or exacerbated by depression. If she can get that under control, a lot of the secondary issues will be easier to handle.
My n=1 says exercise absolutely does help mild-moderate chronic depression. I also take Wellbutrin, which is a little speedy, so that helps too.
See also http://www.health.harvard.edu/mind-and-mood/exercise-and-depression-report-excerpt
Can a few laps around the block actually solve your emotional problems? Probably not, but a regular exercise program might help. A review of studies stretching back to 1981 concluded that regular exercise can improve mood in people with mild to moderate depression. It also may play a supporting role in treating severe depression.0 -
i'm not so dense to believe that her entering a regular exercise program and shedding pounds will alleviate all issues, i'm just hoping that maybe that it could be the pebble that starts the avalanche, that seeing she can succeed at losing weight will help her tackle other issues she is too overwhelmed to take on right now.0
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She has to want it for herself. End of story. Decide if everything else you like about her outweighs this.0
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She has to want it for herself. End of story. Decide if everything else you like about her outweighs this.
Not if she is suffering clinical depression. It isn't that simple. *kitten* if everyone just had that attitude then there would be an awful lot of lonely, unsupported depressed people. It's an illness, there is no choice of kicking yourself up the bum and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Support and understanding are key and the op is concerned enough to want to help her0 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »yes, she suffers from depression, she will admit that. but i don't know what from, and she doesn't do anything about it. like i said earlier, she tells her shrink everything is fine, gets her meds, and coasts through. a shrink she used to go to told her that exercising would help with depression and anxiety, but she's too depressed and anxious to work out. it is a cycle that i feel will only be broken through her finally deciding to. after three years of not reaching that decision, i don't know what is going to light a fire under her *kitten*. i fear she doesn't have it inside her, and I don't know how to help. the weight loss is the only thing i understand how to do, which is why i tend to focus on that, b/c it is a problem that i've conquered. hell, i even struggled with depression for several months that took a serious toll on me, and it was exercise that pulled me out of it. i don't want y'all to think that my only concern is having a skinny wife. i want the fun girl who liked doing things back. she's told me that her weight has a huge influence on her self esteem, and has admitted that losing weight will help a lot with her other problems, i just wanted advice to help kick start it since it seems to me she might not have it in her. but i will take all your advice to heart, back off and support her (which i do try to do, but i know that even when i don't comment on her decisions, my body language gives my frustration away). i will make a more concerted effort, we will go to counseling, and i will do what i need to do and try not to worry so much about what she is doing (or not doing)
I get it. You are doing the best you can. Its really hard to just be the support system and not the fixer. You want to fix it for her and unfortunately she has to fix herself. the frustration you feel is totally warranted and that doesn't make you an a-hole, it makes you a human being. I get frustrated at the "no follow through" behavior as well. Just do the best you can to turn off the "fixer" and be the listener. Maybe go to her shrink with her for some joint therapy or try to find a whole new one.
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WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »
Dude, jump on this opportunity!!! It will give all of you, including her therapist, more insight!!!!0 -
eek. not a fun thing to figure.
+1 marriage counseling
+1 maybe it is not the right marriage
and adding: motivational interviewing. If she brings up losing weight again, I would just say "I love you sweetie, but I would prefer you not talk about losing weight anymore. You've talked about it for many years and it doesn't happen. It's not the not losing weight that bothers me, but its the saying you're going to do something and not doing it that bothers me. I'd rather you just be honest about who and what you are."
...not an easy thing to manage but that's my perspective
Not a bad idea but not motivational interviewing.0 -
Man, this is a tough one. But... your wife is who she is, you know?
She's done WW. She's gone to counseling. She's talked the game. At this point, it seems to me, this is going to have to be about you deciding what you can live with for the rest of your life and what you can't.
I don't know you, but I'm betting you didn't think you were signing up to sit on your wife's commitment to fitness for the rest of your lives. Can you live with a wife who talks about fitness and complains about her weight but doesn't do anything about it, or is that a deal-breaker? If it's the latter, you should understand that the thing about deal-breakers is that they don't necessarily mean that one side or the other is at fault; they're just... things you thought you could live with but it turns out you really can't. There's no shame in that. Sometimes deal-breakers take you by surprise.
But if you honestly can't live with this, let it go, and let her go. She deserves someone who can take her as she is and you deserve someone who shares your values. If you can save it, save it, but realizing you're incompatible isn't a judgment on either of you. It's just how things work out sometimes.0 -
Your wife sounds very depressed. NAMI has great resources and support for spouses and family members, and they are in every state.
https://www.nami.org/
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Do you know that after 15 years of marriage and constantly hearing "I need to lose weight" from my husband. He is FINALLY trying. I think he finally got a bit nervous about his health. He could hardly catch his breath walking up the stairs. I've been going to a gym since I was 18. I'm just one if those people. He is not. He made his turnaround 2 weeks ago. He lost 6lbs and I keep telling him how proud I am that he wants to get healthy. Unfortunately it has to be in your wife's terms. Sometimes being insecure and comfortable means not caring as much.
I always notice after people break up or get divorced how suddenly their appearance changes. It shouldn't be that way but it is. Your wife has to want to change and only for herself. Hope she makes that decision not only for her appearance and insecurities but for her health. Good luck. I totally get it.0 -
My heart breaks for you and your wife. OP - I was your wife and you were my husband. I was relatively slim when I got married (although I never felt that way since I always had a few extra pounds). 2 babies later, I gradually put on weight and it continued to creep on year after year. By the beginning of this year, I was 40-50lbs overweight and actually was in the obese category.
I'll preface this by saying that I have the most amazing husband in the world. We have always had a strong marriage (a couple of bad patches, but we made it through) and both of us would agree on that. 15 happy years now. But when it came to my weight...
He nagged, he begged, he asked nicely, he started grabbing food off my plate, he pre-portioned things and doled it out to me. All that did was annoy me and cause me to rebel. I started hiding all my snacking and excessive eating from him. Getting up for late night snacks after he fell asleep, stashing food in cupboards, eating a lot of junk at work - I did it all. And the weight continued to creep on every year. I would go through brief periods of "trying to lose weight" but nothing stuck. I stopped telling him of any weight loss attempts, going to some lengths to hide it.
2 of my closest girlfriends lost all their extra weight. He tried comparing me to them - which just made me angry. My two girlfriends were sweet and not pushy, but even their gentle encouragement didn't get me to the point of anything sticking.
A couple of years ago, we had a heart to heart spurred on by the separation of close friends of ours. The husband was incredibly frustrated with his wife's weight and in the end, I think he gave her some kind of ultimatum. She did lose the weight, but that wasn't enough to get him to stay
Anyway, back to my DH - he told me just what you are saying here. He was so fed up - he had tried nagging, he had tried not nagging. He had tried everything you have done. He told me that it meant a lot to him for me to lose the weight and that he would see it as a sign of love. To him, my not being able to lose the weight meant that I didn't love him.
Oooo boy. That cut deep. I promised to give it another attempt. But it didn't stick. It was constantly at the back of my mind, but somehow - not enough for me to lose the weight. But soon, he stopped the nagging and the food-controlling ways. He just backed off and let me be.
Many, many months later (just a few months ago), I suddenly had the desire to try again. I discussed it briefly with him and he said great - and left it at that. I then proceeded to find various excuses why I couldn't start. Then January rolled around and all by myself I decided it was high time and just got started. Just like that.
I have NO idea what finally worked, if anything. I was suddenly ready. 4 weeks in, and I feel like I can conquer the world. I'm sure my husband is thrilled - but he has stayed quietly in the background and is just supportive of whatever I want to try, new recipes, weighing everything, whatever. He doesn't try to take an active role in anything - if anything he sometimes tries to convince me to skip a workout lol.
So I feel safe - sharing my struggles and my successes. One day I was super hangry and whined. I even told him I had decided to have a snack. He didn't say no or get in my face or anything. Just discussed with me what might be a good choice.
I don't have answers for you. But for me - my struggle with weight had NOTHING to do with not caring for my husband or for my marriage - I prize both. It feels like it was a mental block that only I could get past.0 -
kshama2001 wrote: »You are taking some flak on this post, but I just want to say that I have read every comment and I believe from your statements that you genuinely love your wife and care about her health. You are clearly frustrated by her downward spiral and inability/unwillingness to pull herself out of it, which also leaves you in a one-sided relationship. That is incredibly unfair. I commend you for staying by her side during this difficult point in your marriage and trying to figure out how to help her and your marriage instead of giving up. I hope the two of you find a path forward towards peace and happiness, and even have fun together again.
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WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »
my aunt and cousin invited us to do a race with them in april, and my wife hesitantly agreed. she's doing the 5K while i'm doing the half marathon. i know that if the race was tomorrow, she probably wouldn't be able to walk the 5K, but she hasn't started training at all. i invite her to our little fitness center so she could at least use the elliptical, but she's always too tired, didn't sleep that well, doesn't feel well, etc etc. she asks me to wake her up when i leave to work out so she can get up and do her PiYo, but then she's always too tired in the morning, promises to do it after work, but then is too tired to do it then.
Gah, you're missing the point
Smiley face because you genuinely mean well.
Asking her to go to the gym will not get her to the gym. She will lose weight if she GETS HERSELF TO THE GYM. Encouraging her to eat less will not get her to eat less or more healthy. She will lose weight if she DECIDES TO EAT LESS. She will when she believes she deserves to be her best, healthy self. When she believes she can do it. When she wants to go to the gym and change her diet. You asked how you can help? Help her be confident. Tell her you love her, full stop. Show her you desire her, full stop. (Not: I'll desire you if you lose weight. I'll love you if you get healthy.) Yeah, you might have to dig deep. But that's how to help motivate her, which was your original question. Motivate her by helping her motivate herself.
i've given up on asking her of my own volition. every now and then she will ask if i am going to run around the pond (which she won't do b/c it is cold and dark) or if i'm going to the fitness center treadmill, with the implication that she would join. I say that i will go to the fitness center with her, and when it is time to wake up and go, she's too tired. this is all her own idea.
sorry to read about your wife's depression. I hope she gets that worked out
I just wanted to say, possibly she asks about these activities just to have a chat about something that's important to you or that you love. It would be like me asking friends about a hobby I wouldn't be caught dead doing. I know it makes them happy and just want to hear them talk about it 0 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »missblondi2u wrote: »The way you describe things, I think the drill sergeant dynamic is already the reality, and clearly not effective. I have quite a few friends and family in the military, and sometimes that "suck it up, soldier" mentality peeks through without you realizing it. Maybe a softer, less adversarial approach is in order.
For instance, you seem to have focused quite a bit on the exercising, but if your wife doesn't like working out she doesn't have to in order to lose weight. I'm not saying exercise isn't a good idea, but if it's a sticking point then why not help her start losing without it at first, then ease into it later as her self esteem and motivation builds?
Do you guys shop for and cook meals together? Why not pack her lunch for her sometimes so she can "lolly gag" (I'm thinking this is man-speak for just doing your hair and makeup) and still have a healthy lunch? While you're at it, leave a nice note inside telling her how beautiful she is!
I've been in her shoes, and I know how daunting weight loss can seem. An unkind or thoughtless word from someone you love can be heartbreaking when you feel so vulnerable, so take it easy on her and just support her as best you can.
she's been on WW for two years with no results, i don't know how she will do it w/o exercising, plus it will help with her mental health
yes we do shop together. I guess i could try make her lunch as well, but i wake up between 0430-0530 depending on what exercise i do that morning, and i move non stop in order to get myself ready to leave on time. lolly gagging is southern speak for not doing anything while there is stuff to do. she sits on the couch for 15 minutes at a time on her phone instead of getting ready
Pack the lunch the night before?
Quit WW for $$ savings since no results? Unless it provides a mental break, and an opportunity to interact with people in similar situations or some such
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Nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care.
Make her feel great, start small, compliments (not just about her appearance), affection, attention, be grateful for her - let her know that you are. It may take a while.....a long while. But persevere, once her mind starts to change then her body will too. Then get exercising in the bedroom......just love her and accept her.
Its ALL in the mind.0 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »She's shown you for years that she prefers talking about losing weight to actually losing weight. Maybe she will change someday. But it's also possible that she won't. Can you continue to live with her as she is?
honestly, at this point it is far less about the actual weight and more about her showing she cares. Her psych doctor she goes to for anxiety/depression has been telling her for years that exercise will help with her situation, but she doesn't do it. her obgyn has recommended that she lose 25 lbs before getting pregnant, but she ignores that saying that it was just a suggestion, not something she has to do. her weight/self esteem has an effect on her libido and her general amount of energy to do anything other than sit on the couch. could i live with her weight? yes. can i live with her when i feel like she just doesn't care about her own health or the health of our marriage? idk, and that's why i'm reaching out.
If you are trying to have kids, STOP. Kids never solve marriage issues, they just make them worse. And right now you do have marriage problems. This does not sounds like a minor issue, for either of you.
First, accept your wife is who she is. There is no reason for you to believe she will change, at least not the way you want her to change. Be honest with yourself about how this affects you and be honest with her too. What if she never loses the weight? What if she gains a lot more? Are you going to be ok with it? Will you feel she does not care about your marriage enough to make changes? Will you be attracted to her (yes, this sounds something no one should dare mention, but it is an important part of a marriage). Accepting changes that happen over the years is one thing, feeling you are not attracted from the beginning to aspects of the other person's physical appearance or behaviour, it is a different story.
I understand you have spent large periods of this marriage separately. What if this changes? Will your lifestyles match? Will you want to do things that she is not remotely interested in and vice versa? Will you get tired of her problems and will she get tired of what is for her criticism?
Be honest to yourself about these issues, and be honest with her. Do not expect things to change from her part because she loves you, or because you have kids. Do not expect yourself to accept things you currently hate because you love her or because you will have kids. Marriages do not work like this. See if there are compromises that can be done now, and if you can find a way to accept each other. Do not wait and see, with the secret expectation from both of you, that with enough complaining from both sides you will change or she will change. If this is a case of "we will be happy together as long as she loses 100 lbs, stops complaining about her appearance, complies to her psychiatrist's advice, joins me in physical activities", this will end in misery for both. If she is thinking "we will be so happy, if he stops being so interested in weight, stops running around all the time, decides we can both spend more time indoors" again this will end in misery.
You need to address these issues now, not later. It will not be easy for either side, but it will be much harder to do this 10 years from now, after resentment has built up in both sides.0
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