helping to motivate a spouse w/o being an a-hole
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Others have suggested counselling which I also think is a great idea. When you are with someone who has self-esteem issues that can often manifest in unhealthy ways within your relationship, like lashing out or trust issue etc. If there's anything you can do to encourage her to be healthier, maybe not lose weight specifically, but make healthier choices, do activities together like, walks/runs/mud/runs/bike riding etc. pick healthy places to eat out at, go grocery shopping together and try to focus on fresh produce.
I was with someone who was not overweight but had 0 interest in eating healthy or working out and for me, it just didn't work. I really wanted someone who wanted to make similar life choices and like a similar lifestyle so that I could share that part of my life.0 -
blues4miles wrote: »I don't want to make light of your situation, but I recall one of the poorer decisions my parents made was to have my dad teach my mom to drive. Of course every time she set out with dad in the passenger seat turned in to a coaching session; unpleasant for both of them. It was a constant source of strain in the relationship. You hold the secret to weight loss and she can't hear it from you. You cannot be her coach on this weight loss enterprise. She has never connected intention with action, and the repeated failures likely has left her depressed and defeated. I think she needs a therapist or a life coach specifically to deal with her self image, self worth, and how to direct intention in to action. And it can't be you.
Just wanted to quote this. I noticed in the OP you stated you tried to get her to come to the gym to run with you. Running is very intimidating to someone overweight who never ran before. She might be more comfortable with just walking, or maybe workout DVDs, or maybe group classes, whatever her own personal interests are. But more importantly, you can't be her husband and her coach. If you are the one telling her 'don't eat that, it's unhealthy' or 'haven't you already eaten enough today' it's going to break your marriage. If you are already doing this, I can understand why she'd dig her heels in and not lose weight. She's not going to do it for you. She needs to do it for herself. Backing off might help.
Then again, I know a lot of people who had minor issues when they were first married that were magnified as soon as kids got into the picture. And then divorce got a lot more complicated. So you need to figure out if this is really the weight, or a personality conflict. Even if you ARE an a-hole and are shallow and the one at fault here, that doesn't mean sticking out and having a kid with her is a good idea.
a couple years ago i would invite her to walk with me around the retention pond that is close to where we live. she would say yes 1 out of about 10 asks, and i got frustrated with hearing excuses so much i stopped. she hates the cold weather (anything under 80 degrees), so i can't ask her now. when i say invite her to the gym to run, i'm actually talking about my apt complexes small fitness center, where she would just use the elliptical (she claims she enjoys using one)0 -
I know when you say "come to the gym with me," you literally mean "come to the gym with me." Unfortunately she might hear "come to the gym with me because you're fat and I am judging you for it and trying to change you." That's not your fault!! But it still could be her reality.0
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ashliefisch wrote: »+ 1 Marriage Counseling
You mentioned severe self esteem issues. Have you tried building her up where she is? Grab her butt. Tell her she's beautiful. Make conscious effort of it.
THIS. EXACTLY THIS. It seems counterintuitive, right? She has low self-esteem, so she should build self-esteem (effect) by losing weight (cause). Nope. It's the opposite. I can't speak for her, but I can speak for me. When I don't feel good about myself because of my weight, I believe that I "deserve" to be unhappy. I'm undesirable, I'm ugly, I'm awful, these things are my fault, so I deserve to be unhappy. Because I am overweight, I deserve to be unhappy so I am unhappy. Which means I believe I deserve it, so I stay overweight. (If I believed I deserved to be happy, then I don't "deserve" to be overweight.) Cycle and repeat. I can't begin to break the cycle by losing weight. Instead, I have to begin by believing that I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be happy, so I am motivated to become happier...in this case by losing weight.
How to help break the cycle? Help her believe she is desirable, she is gorgeous, she is wanted, she deserves to be happy. I have actually *told* this outright to my fiance (literally, I asked him to grab my butt more!) and there's no less of an effect knowing that he's helping me gain confidence because I asked him to! She's probably struggling to feel confident on her own...not about her ability to lose weight, but about her ability to attract you. So help her do this, and she might be better able to take the next step herself.
This said everything. This is what's in the head of a lot of people who are struggling with weight loss. They want it but they think they don't deserve it. This was in MY head until very recently.0 -
Others have suggested counselling which I also think is a great idea. When you are with someone who has self-esteem issues that can often manifest in unhealthy ways within your relationship, like lashing out or trust issue etc. If there's anything you can do to encourage her to be healthier, maybe not lose weight specifically, but make healthier choices, do activities together like, walks/runs/mud/runs/bike riding etc. pick healthy places to eat out at, go grocery shopping together and try to focus on fresh produce.
I was with someone who was not overweight but had 0 interest in eating healthy or working out and for me, it just didn't work. I really wanted someone who wanted to make similar life choices and like a similar lifestyle so that I could share that part of my life.
my aunt and cousin invited us to do a race with them in april, and my wife hesitantly agreed. she's doing the 5K while i'm doing the half marathon. i know that if the race was tomorrow, she probably wouldn't be able to walk the 5K, but she hasn't started training at all. i invite her to our little fitness center so she could at least use the elliptical, but she's always too tired, didn't sleep that well, doesn't feel well, etc etc. she asks me to wake her up when i leave to work out so she can get up and do her PiYo, but then she's always too tired in the morning, promises to do it after work, but then is too tired to do it then.0 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »we do low calorie dinners most of the time. we get a lot of recipes off skinnytaste and other healthy type websites. I can't keep her from grabbing a package of peanut butter crackers minutes before i start preparing dinner, or keep her from getting up out of bed at 2200 to eat cereal. she's convinced herself that since cereal is healthy, she can eat it as a late night snack with no consequences. when i try to explain that extra daily calories are extra calories regardless of whether they come from heavy food, she just says she knows that. even though she goes to WW meetings every week, i don't think she tracks her points on a regular basis.WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »missblondi2u wrote: »The way you describe things, I think the drill sergeant dynamic is already the reality, and clearly not effective. I have quite a few friends and family in the military, and sometimes that "suck it up, soldier" mentality peeks through without you realizing it. Maybe a softer, less adversarial approach is in order.
For instance, you seem to have focused quite a bit on the exercising, but if your wife doesn't like working out she doesn't have to in order to lose weight. I'm not saying exercise isn't a good idea, but if it's a sticking point then why not help her start losing without it at first, then ease into it later as her self esteem and motivation builds?
Do you guys shop for and cook meals together? Why not pack her lunch for her sometimes so she can "lolly gag" (I'm thinking this is man-speak for just doing your hair and makeup) and still have a healthy lunch? While you're at it, leave a nice note inside telling her how beautiful she is!
I've been in her shoes, and I know how daunting weight loss can seem. An unkind or thoughtless word from someone you love can be heartbreaking when you feel so vulnerable, so take it easy on her and just support her as best you can.
she's been on WW for two years with no results, i don't know how she will do it w/o exercising, plus it will help with her mental health
yes we do shop together. I guess i could try make her lunch as well, but i wake up between 0430-0530 depending on what exercise i do that morning, and i move non stop in order to get myself ready to leave on time. lolly gagging is southern speak for not doing anything while there is stuff to do. she sits on the couch for 15 minutes at a time on her phone instead of getting ready
I'm a big fan of exercise for a number of reasons, including how it improves my mental health, but I'm sure you are correct that she's not losing weight on WW because she's not tracking her points correctly.
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OP, just wanted to say I respect your original post and the fact that you recognize your position (knowing what will and what won't affect your marriage). I hope she comes to a similar recognition.
I wish my boyfriend would seek this kind of advice from someone, lol. He's not an "a-hole", but he's had his moments - and I'm actually trying! Word to the wise, don't point out another woman wearing a bikini and tell your wife "If you keep trying, you're going to look like her some day!"
Still trying to get over that one.... -___- ...and he thought he was being helpful with that comment, haha.0 -
Here's some insight in to your perspective and that of your wife's.
https://www.ted.com/talks/emily_balcetis_why_some_people_find_exercise_harder_than_others
You see fitness from the other end of the finish line. Your wife hasn't ever got near it, so it looks impossible. Three years ago if you had told me I would be running now, I would have laughed in your face. I hadn't been able to run in years. But then I took a running class and lo and behold in eight weeks, I was running. Going in I had no idea what it would take. On the other side I realize it takes gradual progression and with persistence I will get there. So you know and I know that a 5K won't run itself and preparation must be weeks in advance. She doesn't know that.
I had no idea, no frame of reference until I experienced a little success.
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WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »
my aunt and cousin invited us to do a race with them in april, and my wife hesitantly agreed. she's doing the 5K while i'm doing the half marathon. i know that if the race was tomorrow, she probably wouldn't be able to walk the 5K, but she hasn't started training at all. i invite her to our little fitness center so she could at least use the elliptical, but she's always too tired, didn't sleep that well, doesn't feel well, etc etc. she asks me to wake her up when i leave to work out so she can get up and do her PiYo, but then she's always too tired in the morning, promises to do it after work, but then is too tired to do it then.
Gah, you're missing the point
Smiley face because you genuinely mean well.
Asking her to go to the gym will not get her to the gym. She will lose weight if she GETS HERSELF TO THE GYM. Encouraging her to eat less will not get her to eat less or more healthy. She will lose weight if she DECIDES TO EAT LESS. She will when she believes she deserves to be her best, healthy self. When she believes she can do it. When she wants to go to the gym and change her diet. You asked how you can help? Help her be confident. Tell her you love her, full stop. Show her you desire her, full stop. Tell her you believe in her, full stop. (Not: I'll desire you if you lose weight. I'll love you if you get healthy. I'll believe in you when you actually start trying.) Yeah, you might have to dig deep. But that's how to help motivate her, which was your original question. Motivate her by helping her motivate herself.
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Next time she says this, you could say, "honey I you've been wanting to do this fo awhile? What can I do yo support you in this?"
You could help her get set up on MFP, you could log food right alongside her, you could help plan, shop for, and prepare healthy filling meals within her calorie goals. You could help her plan an exercise program that would be within her abilities, buy her a gym membership, work out with her, each at your own fitness levels, go on walks with her, help her set up a self rewards program for teaching various goals, and love support and encourage het day in and day out.0 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »
my aunt and cousin invited us to do a race with them in april, and my wife hesitantly agreed. she's doing the 5K while i'm doing the half marathon. i know that if the race was tomorrow, she probably wouldn't be able to walk the 5K, but she hasn't started training at all. i invite her to our little fitness center so she could at least use the elliptical, but she's always too tired, didn't sleep that well, doesn't feel well, etc etc. she asks me to wake her up when i leave to work out so she can get up and do her PiYo, but then she's always too tired in the morning, promises to do it after work, but then is too tired to do it then.
Gah, you're missing the point Smiley face because you genuinely mean well.
Asking her to go to the gym will not get her to the gym. She will lose weight if she GETS HERSELF TO THE GYM. Encouraging her to eat less will not get her to eat less or more healthy. She will lose weight if she DECIDES TO EAT LESS. She will when she believes she deserves to be her best, healthy self. When she believes she can do it. When she wants to go to the gym and change her diet. You asked how you can help? Help her be confident. Tell her you love her, full stop. Show her you desire her, full stop. (Not: I'll desire you if you lose weight. I'll love you if you get healthy.) Yeah, you might have to dig deep. But that's how to help motivate her, which was your original question. Motivate her by helping her motivate herself.
i've given up on asking her of my own volition. every now and then she will ask if i am going to run around the pond (which she won't do b/c it is cold and dark) or if i'm going to the fitness center treadmill, with the implication that she would join. I say that i will go to the fitness center with her, and when it is time to wake up and go, she's too tired. this is all her own idea.0 -
To the OP: I was in the same boat as you a year ago. Both me and the wife gained weight after marriage and kids. I decided one day that it was time for a change and worked to loose the weight. I tried to get my wife to do it with me, as I figured she would want to get healthier, but she resisted and pushed me away further and further. So one day I stopped pressuring her and just focused on me. The strange thing is once I stopped pressuring her, she started looking into weightloss programs. She did 21Day Fix on her own, and is now looking at alternatives. She still struggles with exercise, but is now open more to suggestions from me on how to fit it in to her day.
So for me, not addressing the issue helped get her involved. I guess its a weird reverse psychology, but it worked.0 -
Next time she says this, you could say, "honey I you've been wanting to do this fo awhile? What can I do yo support you in this?"
You could help her get set up on MFP, you could log food right alongside her, you could help plan, shop for, and prepare healthy filling meals within her calorie goals. You could help her plan an exercise program that would be within her abilities, buy her a gym membership, work out with her, each at your own fitness levels, go on walks with her, help her set up a self rewards program for teaching various goals, and love support and encourage het day in and day out.
her social anxiety won't allow her to go to a gym. I honestly don't see where MFP will work if she doesn't do her WW points. while i agree in theory that counting calories together could work, i foresee it turning into me "judging" or controlling her when i suggest we log in.0 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »Next time she says this, you could say, "honey I you've been wanting to do this fo awhile? What can I do yo support you in this?"
You could help her get set up on MFP, you could log food right alongside her, you could help plan, shop for, and prepare healthy filling meals within her calorie goals. You could help her plan an exercise program that would be within her abilities, buy her a gym membership, work out with her, each at your own fitness levels, go on walks with her, help her set up a self rewards program for teaching various goals, and love support and encourage het day in and day out.
her social anxiety won't allow her to go to a gym. I honestly don't see where MFP will work if she doesn't do her WW points. while i agree in theory that counting calories together could work, i foresee it turning into me "judging" or controlling her when i suggest we log in.
Speaking as someone who has been in a similar position, this was true for me. The constant "did you log it?"s every time I reached for a tortilla chip got old, and it did cause a fight or two.0 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »Others have suggested counselling which I also think is a great idea. When you are with someone who has self-esteem issues that can often manifest in unhealthy ways within your relationship, like lashing out or trust issue etc. If there's anything you can do to encourage her to be healthier, maybe not lose weight specifically, but make healthier choices, do activities together like, walks/runs/mud/runs/bike riding etc. pick healthy places to eat out at, go grocery shopping together and try to focus on fresh produce.
I was with someone who was not overweight but had 0 interest in eating healthy or working out and for me, it just didn't work. I really wanted someone who wanted to make similar life choices and like a similar lifestyle so that I could share that part of my life.
my aunt and cousin invited us to do a race with them in april, and my wife hesitantly agreed. she's doing the 5K while i'm doing the half marathon. i know that if the race was tomorrow, she probably wouldn't be able to walk the 5K, but she hasn't started training at all. i invite her to our little fitness center so she could at least use the elliptical, but she's always too tired, didn't sleep that well, doesn't feel well, etc etc. she asks me to wake her up when i leave to work out so she can get up and do her PiYo, but then she's always too tired in the morning, promises to do it after work, but then is too tired to do it then.
I'm starting to wonder how much of this is related to her mental health issues and/or any medication she might be taking?
Also, I have horrendous fatigue when my anemia is untreated.0 -
I haven't read a lot of the responses, but I'll give you my experience. I was your wife for the majority of my marriage. I gave every excuse, tried every fad, and talked a lot of game ("I'm gonna try this!"). What I didn't do was stick with anything long term. I don't think my husband could have said anything to help me because I'm stubborn and would have seen it as an attack. It had to come from me; my mentality had to change. It wasn't until then did I change. I shut up, put in the work, and changed my life. My husband and I work out together now. We've done a Spartan race together and have another one in a few weeks. I meal prep for us. Things are good.
I know what I put my husband through, so I know how you feel. I hope something ignites within her soon.0 -
I like dirty sports like Mud Hero and Color me Rad. My poor OCD husband, who also happens to be in charge of laundry, shakes his head. He doesn't get it. I've given up asking him to go for walks/runs with me because though he won't say it, he hates dirt. We find a happy medium at the gym where there's sanitizing wipes.
She's got intention but little experience. You can't impart your experience in to her.
I think for your mental health, stop seeing her resistance and/or inertia as any reflection on you. She's not dissing you. She's lost.0 -
Sorry, she is not being an a-hole. She has to want it for it to happen.
You said she was overweight when you married. What changed, she is the same person you married Why do you want to change her? She has to want it bad enough to make it so. It is not your decision.
All you can (and should) do is support her and love her. She is an adult, it is her decision. When she wants to change, she will.0 -
@snowflake930 I read the title to be "How can I motivate...without being an a-hole". This is a husband trying to be sensitive.0
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Does she have a friend who has a healthy lifestyle that she admires?
It intimidated me to work out with my BF because he always went full throttle. Even though he never said it, I always felt he expected me to do the same. I've since been working out with a female friend who is more on my fitness level and enjoy it!
Just a thought...0
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