helping to motivate a spouse w/o being an a-hole

MondayJune22nd2015 wrote: »

Show her this dialog because it's raw truth, that she has to face & deal with! She's an adult & must be able to act like it, otherwise your relationship is illegal; if she has the mentality of a child! Childish excuses, is a clear indication; that she isn't a responsible adult!

As someone who has been married for a looooong time, I can assure you this will probably not end well. If I found out that my husband was airing my dirty laundry on the Internet, I would first be livid. Then hurt, embarrassed and shamed.

ilex70 has the best advice here. +100

MondayJune22nd2015 wrote: »

yayamom3 wrote: »

MondayJune22nd2015 wrote: »

Show her this dialog because it's raw truth, that she has to face & deal with! She's an adult & must be able to act like it, otherwise your relationship is illegal; if she has the mentality of a child! Childish excuses, is a clear indication; that she isn't a responsible adult!

As someone who has been married for a looooong time, I can assure you this will probably not end well. If I found out that my husband was airing my dirty laundry on the Internet, I would first be livid. Then hurt, embarrassed and shamed.

He's tried other avenues, that obviously haven't worked; including counseling. Also it isn't her dirty laundry, it's their's. If she didn't desire this possibility, then she should've made the choice; to not make this his business by sharing her life with someone else.

He hasn't tried counseling. He said he is GOING to try counseling. And I think that is a great choice.

WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »

we do low calorie dinners most of the time. we get a lot of recipes off skinnytaste and other healthy type websites. I can't keep her from grabbing a package of peanut butter crackers minutes before i start preparing dinner, or keep her from getting up out of bed at 2200 to eat cereal. she's convinced herself that since cereal is healthy, she can eat it as a late night snack with no consequences. when i try to explain that extra daily calories are extra calories regardless of whether they come from heavy food, she just says she knows that. even though she goes to WW meetings every week, i don't think she tracks her points on a regular basis.

I'm sorry. This is a tough situation. Sounds like she just goes through the motions of WW probably solely for you. I hope that counseling helps and also agree that waiting to have kids until these issues are resolved is probably for the best.

I have a friend that was in a similar situation as you and at this point the wife started pressuring him to have kids using the excuse that she'd gain weight while pregnant anyway so she might as well have kids now and that she'd lose the weight after. I don't think I need to tell you how that ended. Same pattern: no weight loss and now they have children involved. Good for you for trying to find a solution to this now.

The way you describe things, I think the drill sergeant dynamic is already the reality, and clearly not effective. I have quite a few friends and family in the military, and sometimes that "suck it up, soldier" mentality peeks through without you realizing it. Maybe a softer, less adversarial approach is in order.

For instance, you seem to have focused quite a bit on the exercising, but if your wife doesn't like working out she doesn't have to in order to lose weight. I'm not saying exercise isn't a good idea, but if it's a sticking point then why not help her start losing without it at first, then ease into it later as her self esteem and motivation builds?

Do you guys shop for and cook meals together? Why not pack her lunch for her sometimes so she can "lolly gag" (I'm thinking this is man-speak for just doing your hair and makeup) and still have a healthy lunch? While you're at it, leave a nice note inside telling her how beautiful she is!

I've been in her shoes, and I know how daunting weight loss can seem. An unkind or thoughtless word from someone you love can be heartbreaking when you feel so vulnerable, so take it easy on her and just support her as best you can.

jgnatca wrote: »

I don't want to make light of your situation, but I recall one of the poorer decisions my parents made was to have my dad teach my mom to drive. Of course every time she set out with dad in the passenger seat turned in to a coaching session; unpleasant for both of them. It was a constant source of strain in the relationship. You hold the secret to weight loss and she can't hear it from you. You cannot be her coach on this weight loss enterprise. She has never connected intention with action, and the repeated failures likely has left her depressed and defeated. I think she needs a therapist or a life coach specifically to deal with her self image, self worth, and how to direct intention in to action. And it can't be you.

I think you also need to reconcile yourself with the idea that she might never change, and figure out if you can live with that.

If she won't go for help, get some counselling for yourself on what steps you may take next.

I'm going to go contrary to everyone else, but the above. I think YOU should go to counseling alone, because you need to work this out. She is not going to change with your "hinting", that's been going on a long time, and you are gone on deployments every now and again. She has to be able to handle things on her own and that means a future family too. You need expert advice on how to talk to her and save your marriage--if that's what you decide. I applaude you for being concerned, that means you love her, and let's face it, in a marriage that's number one. Stop spinning your wheels, and get some good advice for yourself. It'll help you sleep nights.

ashliefisch wrote: »

+ 1 Marriage Counseling

You mentioned severe self esteem issues. Have you tried building her up where she is? Grab her butt. Tell her she's beautiful. Make conscious effort of it.

THIS. EXACTLY THIS. It seems counterintuitive, right? She has low self-esteem, so she should build self-esteem (effect) by losing weight (cause). Nope. It's the opposite. I can't speak for her, but I can speak for me. When I don't feel good about myself because of my weight, I believe that I "deserve" to be unhappy. I'm undesirable, I'm ugly, I'm awful, these things are my fault, so I deserve to be unhappy. Because I am overweight, I deserve to be unhappy so I am unhappy. Which means I believe I deserve it, so I stay overweight. (If I believed I deserved to be happy, then I don't "deserve" to be overweight.) Cycle and repeat. I can't begin to break the cycle by losing weight. Instead, I have to begin by believing that I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be happy, so I am motivated to become happier...in this case by losing weight.

How to help break the cycle? Help her believe she is desirable, she is gorgeous, she is wanted, she deserves to be happy. I have actually *told* this outright to my fiance (literally, I asked him to grab my butt more!) and there's no less of an effect knowing that he's helping me gain confidence because I asked him to! She's probably struggling to feel confident on her own...not about her ability to lose weight, but about her ability to attract you. So help her do this, and she might be better able to take the next step herself.

This is a tough one. I used to be very heavy (340 lbs, 5'8'') and my ex of seven years was roughly 420 lbs (6'1''). At some point I decided to start focusing on making my life better, and I got several promotions at work and managed to lose 100 lbs. Unfortunately, my ex just didn't share that vision. It wasn't that he didn't support me, it was that he didn't have the same vision. He was complacent. He wanted to live in a trailer and just "get by" and have that be enough. I didn't- I wanted to work hard, further my education, make more money, move away from our hometown... and that lack of a shared vision is what did us in. The thing is that when a person's mindset, vision, goals, trajectory all change- their weight is the outward indication of a much deeper change on the inside. If that deeper change widens the gap between you, it's very difficult until you really sit down and talk about all of those things- vision, what you want from life, what you want in five years, ten years, where you want to live, what your home will look like, what you want from a career, et cetera. You simply have to have a similar vision. For us, I ended up leaving him because as my confidence grew and my life was changing he was staying the same or even regressing and he started to feel like a ball and chain tying me to my past, and I just didn't want that life anymore. If he'd been willing to grow with me and shared my excitement things might have been different. As it were, he couldn't hold a job, handle a routine, clean up after himself, or even remember to shower, so it really was the end. The more I pushed him and stressed him the more the relationship took its toll on both of us. Pushing him into something he hadn't bought into fully was depressing him, giving him anxiety, pressuring him, and taking him off the path that he wanted for his life, and even if that path was working in a bar and playing Frisbee golf with his old high school buds every weekend, who was I to take him off of it? The more he bended and flexed and let me walk all over him and disrespect him, the more I resented him and was even less attracted to him. The bottom line was, when I left him my life changed drastically in the direction that I wanted it to like he had been the one holding me back, and all of a sudden his life also changed drastically in the direction he wanted it to, like I had been pushing him off course too. He finally got and held a job and he lost probably 200 lbs. The last time I saw him he looked amazing and I felt so happy that we'd done ourselves a favor and ended it. We had been high school sweethearts- but when you meet someone when you're 15 you just have to expect that life will happen and you will both grow along different courses.

On the flip side of that, when I met my current husband he was thin and very fit (6'0'' 170 lbs and a long time martial art enthusiast) and though I had lost a lot of weight from my heaviest point I was still about 220 (size 16-18) and not near my goal of 155. I showed him plenty of pictures of my very heavy days and made sure he was completely aware that I have always, and probably will always struggle with my weight, with compulsive overeating problems, from binge eating disorder, from serious self esteem issues, and from depression/anxiety on occasion. He knew those things and said he found me attractive in every size he'd seen me so he didn't care if I was 300 or 150, he would love me anyway. It didn't change that he's a very strict person and a very disciplined person, so when I would bellyache that I was gaining weight but couldn't control my binge eating, he would get really bothered by what he saw as a lack of follow through. Not doing what you say you will is contrary to his very character. The more I felt like he was unhappy with me, the more that somewhere in the back of my mind I thought it was due to my looks and I felt more and more unloved, disconnected, and distant. I feared he would leave me if I couldn't control my problem but I felt incapable of controlling it. I thought he was asking for something unfair. I'm the type of person who needs to be constantly reinforced, loved, and encouraged. Telling me I'm awesome motivates me more than trying to hold me accountable, which just gives me anxiety. He had to learn me and how to motivate me. He had to learn how my head works and that certain things just alienate me and make the problem worse. Making me feel like there was a clock ticking on our relationship if I couldn't kick my problems would be the worst possible way to motivate me. I'd likely be the first to leave the relationship because I'd assume it was inevitable or that I didn't want a partner who gave me an ultimatum to heal a lifelong issue rather than just taking my hand and going through the healing process with me.

With a lot of overweight people you're not simply dealing with laziness and a lack of motivation. You say your wife's self esteem issues are huge- so it's evident to me that there are much deeper issues. Maybe she thinks she can't- can't make it through a workout, can't be successful with dieting, can't change her life, can't live up to a thin body. For some of us the idea of becoming thin is exciting and it's what we want- outwardly, but inside we're scared of becoming that person on the outside and not being ready yet on the inside. We're afraid that we will fail. We use food as a drug in a lot of ways- to give us a boost when we're down, to fill us up when we feel empty, to bring us closer to others, to just have one thing in our life that is pleasurable- that the idea of taking that away induces a lot of anxiety. If you are stressed, unhappy, depressed, having relationship issues, and likely lonely and not socially active, food might be literally your ONLY source of comfort and pleasure. Never mind that it makes you feel crappy, tired, and lazy. Giving up that only thing that makes you feel better in the short term is not easy. There are probably a lot of things going on in her mind and they can only be solved by her being able to adopt the mindset that she CAN. A feeling of empowerment is very hard to get.

So the bottom line- in my opinion, is that if you want to motivate her weight loss efforts or motivate her to respect and care for herself in general, you need to forget about weight loss. You have to heal from the head down and if her mind isn't right her body never will be. First find out where and how she's been broken and try to build her up as a person. Compliment her every chance you get, (really, heartfelt compliments. Don't say it unless you mean it.) Let her know you see her as a capable, motivated, able individual, even if she hasn't shown you those things. If you treat her the way that you want her to feel, she will begin to feel that way eventually, but it won't happen overnight. What do you have to lose? Just try it. Just spend two weeks complimenting her, trying to find things you love about her and telling her why you love those things about her, and trying to make her feel great. Maybe it will work, maybe it won't- but I'm telling you that weight loss is hardly ever simply about discipline and dedication. Usually it's a deeper effort of resolving mental and emotional issues that have gone unchecked for quite a long time. As one commenter said, a psychiatrist may or may not be actually helping with this- they could just be prescribing meds. That may be doing much less to help her than finding a social group and getting out and about, getting some support, having fun, feeling loved and accepted by her partner, and talking to a qualified behavioral therapist would do. I could write an entire other essay about the things that I found helpful in fixing my own mindset and getting out of the slump- but since this is geared towards you as her partner I will just leave it at what you can do to help her get there, and pressure or resolving to leave her (creating an ultimatum) if you don't see change isn't the best way if you really care about her. Now if you're beyond that and you know that the deeper things (life goals) don't align between you two, then maybe you can evaluate the relationship but only then.