helping to motivate a spouse w/o being an a-hole

2456712

Replies

  • WeekendWarriorTX
    WeekendWarriorTX Posts: 1,844 Member
    Devils advocate: is it worth it? Should marriage be this hard? Would both of you be happier with someone else?

    Do you think you will ever be on the same wave length?

    it is a question that sneaks into my mindgrapes that scares me, so i try not to dwell on it too much right now. we are going to try counseling, so hopefully that helps.

    thanks for all the advice. I will make a better effort to back off and give her space.
  • tara_means_star
    tara_means_star Posts: 957 Member
    Devils advocate: is it worth it? Should marriage be this hard? Would both of you be happier with someone else?

    Do you think you will ever be on the same wave length?

    Marriage just IS hard. I don't think that periods of struggling in your marriage mean that you need to go find someone else to be happier with. Chances are you'd marry them and struggle, at times, with them too. My husband and I have been through a lot together and we always get through it because we go into it with the expectation that we love each other enough to keep going. Marriage counseling is a great option when couples are struggling. Marriage often gets this hard and MUCH harder. I find that my husband is worth struggling with.
  • star1407
    star1407 Posts: 588 Member
    One thing my hubby and I learned in marriage counselling is sometimes it can be a good idea to write a letter. You get to think exactly how you want to word it and the other person has the ability to read and reread it. Also you make your point without interruption.
  • HutchA12
    HutchA12 Posts: 279 Member
    Devils advocate: is it worth it? Should marriage be this hard? Would both of you be happier with someone else?

    Do you think you will ever be on the same wave length?

    Marriage just IS hard. I don't think that periods of struggling in your marriage mean that you need to go find someone else to be happier with. Chances are you'd marry them and struggle, at times, with them too. My husband and I have been through a lot together and we always get through it because we go into it with the expectation that we love each other enough to keep going. Marriage counseling is a great option when couples are struggling. Marriage often gets this hard and MUCH harder. I find that my husband is worth struggling with.

    On the Internet marriage is something that when your partner changes the TV to a show you don't like you go file unreconsilable differences.
  • tara_means_star
    tara_means_star Posts: 957 Member
    HutchA12 wrote: »
    Devils advocate: is it worth it? Should marriage be this hard? Would both of you be happier with someone else?

    Do you think you will ever be on the same wave length?

    Marriage just IS hard. I don't think that periods of struggling in your marriage mean that you need to go find someone else to be happier with. Chances are you'd marry them and struggle, at times, with them too. My husband and I have been through a lot together and we always get through it because we go into it with the expectation that we love each other enough to keep going. Marriage counseling is a great option when couples are struggling. Marriage often gets this hard and MUCH harder. I find that my husband is worth struggling with.

    On the Internet marriage is something that when your partner changes the TV to a show you don't like you go file unreconsilable differences.

    lol you might have a point there. I think people go into marriage with the expectation that it will be nothing but love and happiness and butterflies and rainbows so when things get hard, and sometimes they get really hard, they think that the marriage is broken beyond repair.
  • jgnatca
    jgnatca Posts: 14,464 Member
    I don't want to make light of your situation, but I recall one of the poorer decisions my parents made was to have my dad teach my mom to drive. Of course every time she set out with dad in the passenger seat turned in to a coaching session; unpleasant for both of them. It was a constant source of strain in the relationship. You hold the secret to weight loss and she can't hear it from you. You cannot be her coach on this weight loss enterprise. She has never connected intention with action, and the repeated failures likely has left her depressed and defeated. I think she needs a therapist or a life coach specifically to deal with her self image, self worth, and how to direct intention in to action. And it can't be you.

    I think you also need to reconcile yourself with the idea that she might never change, and figure out if you can live with that.

    If she won't go for help, get some counselling for yourself on what steps you may take next.
  • jemhh
    jemhh Posts: 14,262 Member
    HutchA12 wrote: »
    Devils advocate: is it worth it? Should marriage be this hard? Would both of you be happier with someone else?

    Do you think you will ever be on the same wave length?

    Marriage just IS hard. I don't think that periods of struggling in your marriage mean that you need to go find someone else to be happier with. Chances are you'd marry them and struggle, at times, with them too. My husband and I have been through a lot together and we always get through it because we go into it with the expectation that we love each other enough to keep going. Marriage counseling is a great option when couples are struggling. Marriage often gets this hard and MUCH harder. I find that my husband is worth struggling with.

    On the Internet marriage is something that when your partner changes the TV to a show you don't like you go file unreconsilable differences.

    lol you might have a point there. I think people go into marriage with the expectation that it will be nothing but love and happiness and butterflies and rainbows so when things get hard, and sometimes they get really hard, they think that the marriage is broken beyond repair.

    I don't think that marriage is all butterflies and rainbows but I also don't think that, overall, it is supposed to be hard. If there is a huge central problem in a marriage, there is nothing wrong with saying "we made a mistake, it's time to end it." There's no reason to be miserable for 60+ years of your life. I'm not telling the OP to leave his wife; I hope that counseling will help. But choosing years of unhappiness makes no sense.
  • csmith25049
    csmith25049 Posts: 2 Member
    This is a tough place. Maybe her anxiety puts her in a place that she doesn't want to go to the gym. Or maybe just the thought that people may look at her may be preventing her from going. I would suggest asking her if she wants to go on a hike or bicycle ride and get active together without the gym. If she finds she really enjoys an activity, it may encourage her to continue especially If she notices she is feeling so much better about herself. Remember though, she wont change unless she wants to. Losing weight before getting pregnant though is a BIG health reality check! Being pregnant is so hard on your body. She could have many complications through pregnancy and labor being overweight or obese. Not to mention she could have difficulty getting pregnant. Something just needs to spark in her to get her going.
  • tara_means_star
    tara_means_star Posts: 957 Member
    jemhh wrote: »
    HutchA12 wrote: »
    Devils advocate: is it worth it? Should marriage be this hard? Would both of you be happier with someone else?

    Do you think you will ever be on the same wave length?

    Marriage just IS hard. I don't think that periods of struggling in your marriage mean that you need to go find someone else to be happier with. Chances are you'd marry them and struggle, at times, with them too. My husband and I have been through a lot together and we always get through it because we go into it with the expectation that we love each other enough to keep going. Marriage counseling is a great option when couples are struggling. Marriage often gets this hard and MUCH harder. I find that my husband is worth struggling with.

    On the Internet marriage is something that when your partner changes the TV to a show you don't like you go file unreconsilable differences.

    lol you might have a point there. I think people go into marriage with the expectation that it will be nothing but love and happiness and butterflies and rainbows so when things get hard, and sometimes they get really hard, they think that the marriage is broken beyond repair.

    I don't think that marriage is all butterflies and rainbows but I also don't think that, overall, it is supposed to be hard. If there is a huge central problem in a marriage, there is nothing wrong with saying "we made a mistake, it's time to end it." There's no reason to be miserable for 60+ years of your life. I'm not telling the OP to leave his wife; I hope that counseling will help. But choosing years of unhappiness makes no sense.

    It seems like the trend these days isn't to choose 60 years of misery but to give up way to easily. A huge percentage of my friends have been married and divorced (I'm only 26) and it seems like quite a few of them went into it with the idea that if it's hard then it's not right/working. In fact, I know very few people who stick with the marriage when it gets hard much less when it's been years of misery.
  • ashliedelgado
    ashliedelgado Posts: 814 Member
    + 1 Marriage Counseling

    You mentioned severe self esteem issues. Have you tried building her up where she is? Grab her butt. Tell her she's beautiful. Make conscious effort of it.

    That being said, OH and I both did this, oh we're gonna lose weight. Oh we're gonna get a gym membership. Oh this. Oh that. We did a week. We tried the "military diet" (years ago) for about 8 minutes before running to the drive thru starving.

    Then I got serious. And when he sees results, he gets serious for a few weeks too, and then not. He's just not there yet. I did hijack his diet though. I do the grocery shopping. I do the cooking. It's hard for him to eat a line of oreos like cereal if they aren't in the house! I don't agree to going out 3-5x a week any more, and he isn't gonna sit at a restaurant alone and eat. So, his diet has improved a little by proxy. She doesn't get up in the morning to pack her lunches? I would die if I had to get up to pack lunch. I pack both the night before, and I pack our breakfast lunch and 2 snacks. Take a financial swing at it. Show her how much she is spending eating out, and see if that gets a reaction.

    And pick your line. If you can't live with this, don't. If you put solid effort in to make it work, and it doesn't, and you're miserable, there is nothing else you can do.
  • jprewitt1
    jprewitt1 Posts: 264 Member
    jemhh wrote: »
    HutchA12 wrote: »
    Devils advocate: is it worth it? Should marriage be this hard? Would both of you be happier with someone else?

    Do you think you will ever be on the same wave length?

    Marriage just IS hard. I don't think that periods of struggling in your marriage mean that you need to go find someone else to be happier with. Chances are you'd marry them and struggle, at times, with them too. My husband and I have been through a lot together and we always get through it because we go into it with the expectation that we love each other enough to keep going. Marriage counseling is a great option when couples are struggling. Marriage often gets this hard and MUCH harder. I find that my husband is worth struggling with.

    On the Internet marriage is something that when your partner changes the TV to a show you don't like you go file unreconsilable differences.

    lol you might have a point there. I think people go into marriage with the expectation that it will be nothing but love and happiness and butterflies and rainbows so when things get hard, and sometimes they get really hard, they think that the marriage is broken beyond repair.

    I don't think that marriage is all butterflies and rainbows but I also don't think that, overall, it is supposed to be hard. If there is a huge central problem in a marriage, there is nothing wrong with saying "we made a mistake, it's time to end it." There's no reason to be miserable for 60+ years of your life. I'm not telling the OP to leave his wife; I hope that counseling will help. But choosing years of unhappiness makes no sense.

    It seems like the trend these days isn't to choose 60 years of misery but to give up way to easily. A huge percentage of my friends have been married and divorced (I'm only 26) and it seems like quite a few of them went into it with the idea that if it's hard then it's not right/working. In fact, I know very few people who stick with the marriage when it gets hard much less when it's been years of misery.

    Marriage is most definitely hard. Anyone who has been married for a noticeable time can easily tell anyone that. People married 50+ years aren't that many, but ask a few and I guarantee you they will say it was hard at times. Anything in life worth having is worth putting effort and work into. A marriage is a blending of two people with different dreams, different goals, and different lives. There are going to be problems. The difference is that once you make a commitment in marriage it shouldn't be as easy as giving up on a diet because "it's too hard."
  • jacklifts
    jacklifts Posts: 396 Member
    Dude... Do not get her pregnant! This will only exacerbate the unhappiness issues, and no reason to bring a kid into that situation.

    As to how to fix the current situation, I don't know. Ultimatums always end badly. Talking is necessary.
  • jemhh
    jemhh Posts: 14,262 Member
    edited February 2016
    jemhh wrote: »
    HutchA12 wrote: »
    Devils advocate: is it worth it? Should marriage be this hard? Would both of you be happier with someone else?

    Do you think you will ever be on the same wave length?

    Marriage just IS hard. I don't think that periods of struggling in your marriage mean that you need to go find someone else to be happier with. Chances are you'd marry them and struggle, at times, with them too. My husband and I have been through a lot together and we always get through it because we go into it with the expectation that we love each other enough to keep going. Marriage counseling is a great option when couples are struggling. Marriage often gets this hard and MUCH harder. I find that my husband is worth struggling with.

    On the Internet marriage is something that when your partner changes the TV to a show you don't like you go file unreconsilable differences.

    lol you might have a point there. I think people go into marriage with the expectation that it will be nothing but love and happiness and butterflies and rainbows so when things get hard, and sometimes they get really hard, they think that the marriage is broken beyond repair.

    I don't think that marriage is all butterflies and rainbows but I also don't think that, overall, it is supposed to be hard. If there is a huge central problem in a marriage, there is nothing wrong with saying "we made a mistake, it's time to end it." There's no reason to be miserable for 60+ years of your life. I'm not telling the OP to leave his wife; I hope that counseling will help. But choosing years of unhappiness makes no sense.

    It seems like the trend these days isn't to choose 60 years of misery but to give up way to easily. A huge percentage of my friends have been married and divorced (I'm only 26) and it seems like quite a few of them went into it with the idea that if it's hard then it's not right/working. In fact, I know very few people who stick with the marriage when it gets hard much less when it's been years of misery.

    And on the flip side, I have very few friends who have been divorced and the ones who are took measures to make it work but it just didn't. Clearly different people do different things. Also, very few marriages other than my own affect me in any way so I tend not to judge whether or not I think that the members of those marriages are giving it the old college try.
  • jprewitt1
    jprewitt1 Posts: 264 Member
    jemhh wrote: »
    Also, very few marriages other than my own affect me in any way so I tend not to judge whether or not I think that the members of those marriages are giving it the old college try.


    Good rule to live life by.
  • tara_means_star
    tara_means_star Posts: 957 Member
    jprewitt1 wrote: »
    jemhh wrote: »
    HutchA12 wrote: »
    Devils advocate: is it worth it? Should marriage be this hard? Would both of you be happier with someone else?

    Do you think you will ever be on the same wave length?

    Marriage just IS hard. I don't think that periods of struggling in your marriage mean that you need to go find someone else to be happier with. Chances are you'd marry them and struggle, at times, with them too. My husband and I have been through a lot together and we always get through it because we go into it with the expectation that we love each other enough to keep going. Marriage counseling is a great option when couples are struggling. Marriage often gets this hard and MUCH harder. I find that my husband is worth struggling with.

    On the Internet marriage is something that when your partner changes the TV to a show you don't like you go file unreconsilable differences.

    lol you might have a point there. I think people go into marriage with the expectation that it will be nothing but love and happiness and butterflies and rainbows so when things get hard, and sometimes they get really hard, they think that the marriage is broken beyond repair.

    I don't think that marriage is all butterflies and rainbows but I also don't think that, overall, it is supposed to be hard. If there is a huge central problem in a marriage, there is nothing wrong with saying "we made a mistake, it's time to end it." There's no reason to be miserable for 60+ years of your life. I'm not telling the OP to leave his wife; I hope that counseling will help. But choosing years of unhappiness makes no sense.

    It seems like the trend these days isn't to choose 60 years of misery but to give up way to easily. A huge percentage of my friends have been married and divorced (I'm only 26) and it seems like quite a few of them went into it with the idea that if it's hard then it's not right/working. In fact, I know very few people who stick with the marriage when it gets hard much less when it's been years of misery.

    Marriage is most definitely hard. Anyone who has been married for a noticeable time can easily tell anyone that. People married 50+ years aren't that many, but ask a few and I guarantee you they will say it was hard at times. Anything in life worth having is worth putting effort and work into. A marriage is a blending of two people with different dreams, different goals, and different lives. There are going to be problems. The difference is that once you make a commitment in marriage it shouldn't be as easy as giving up on a diet because "it's too hard."

    I agree with you. My husband and I have been through some really tough sh**. We were married young (I was 18) and we've been through the loss of both of our jobs at the same time, living with family, no transportation for jobs, major mental health issues, pscyhological/emotional abuse from his family, he has PTSD and major depression, I have anxiety, he gives money away to people in need to the point that we've not been able to pay our bills before, health issues, no weight loss, refusing to do what was needed to find a job, take care of mental health, etc... I only put that out there because people need to know that marriage is hard. We've gotten through it, struggled, but made it and right now we are in the best place we've ever been. I think the marriage is stronger and sweeter because we both decided long ago that the other person was worth struggling with and for. Now, the struggles, once we make it past, seem to contribute to making our life together better.
  • janejellyroll
    janejellyroll Posts: 25,763 Member
    Go to a doctor for your annual free check up.
    Free cholesterol and blood pressure test !!!

    What?
  • ilex70
    ilex70 Posts: 727 Member
    can i live with her when i feel like she just doesn't care about her own health or the health of our marriage?

    That's the bit where the counseling comes in.
    I'll add that pregnancy must absolutely be off the table as long as these issues lie between you and within her.

    Absolutely.
    she can't hear it from you. You cannot be her coach on this weight loss enterprise.

    True. Definitely so with self-esteem issues.

    From her side, you married her this way, accepted her this way, and now you want her to change. That change has to come from her, with or without you in the picture. You can be a good example- eat well, be active, invite her to come along; but criticism, even deserved well meant criticism, is likely to just drive a wedge between you, not get her to change.

    My spouse and I have been together 13 years. I was heavy when he met me and married me. My weight has been up and down since then...tops when pregnant, lowest after a VLCD a few years back. Speaking for me, my weight does increase when I am stressed/depressed and not taking care of myself. His criticism hasn't ever been helpful, just made me angry and hurt. What helps is being happier, having a plan, and having the time to put it in action. So being kind, thoughtful, and making her feel secure and cared for couldn't hurt, though I get that isn't how you are feeling.
  • Asher_Ethan
    Asher_Ethan Posts: 2,430 Member
    My husband is kind of being like that. He complains about how big he's getting and how he wishes he could do something about it.
    He is working 70 hours a week so I keep my snarky, "All you have to do is MFP," comments to myself. His company always buys him breakfast and lunch so it's always high calorie dense food. When he's only had 4 or 5 hours of sleep he's definitely not thinking of portions.
    I try and help him by having a low calorie dinner ready for him every night, and always find something active for the family to do on Sundays.
    My advice is to try and be there for her, make her dinners that are on the lower calorie end, and find something active you both enjoy doing.
  • MondayJune22nd2015
    MondayJune22nd2015 Posts: 876 Member
    edited February 2016
    Show her this dialog because it's raw truth, that she has to face & deal with. She's an adult & must be able to act like it, otherwise your relationship is illegal; if she has the mentality of a child. Childish excuses, is a clear indication; that she isn't a responsible adult. Being in a relationship means, that life/her life; isn't all about her. If she desires to share her life, with someone else; she must make reasonable compromises or choose, to be alone or just be with her food & excuses. Being in a relationship, is a privilege; not a right. Therefore she must earn it!
  • tara_means_star
    tara_means_star Posts: 957 Member
    My husband is kind of being like that. He complains about how big he's getting and how he wishes he could do something about it.
    He is working 70 hours a week so I keep my snarky, "All you have to do is MFP," comments to myself. His company always buys him breakfast and lunch so it's always high calorie dense food. When he's only had 4 or 5 hours of sleep he's definitely not thinking of portions.
    I try and help him by having a low calorie dinner ready for him every night, and always find something active for the family to do on Sundays.
    My advice is to try and be there for her, make her dinners that are on the lower calorie end, and find something active you both enjoy doing.

    This is great. I had my husband choose a weight loss program he felt he could do. He chose 21 day fix. We did that together for a while then he got frustrated with it so I gently pointed out the benefit of MFP over 21DF and he decided to give it a try. He is way more enthusiastic about it now that he realized the other day he could fit both a piece of cake and beer into his calories in the same day. He's also lost a few pounds. I'm not necessarily a huge fan of 21DF and neither of us still do it but I think just having him identify a plan that he felt would fit him helped him get where he is now.