helping to motivate a spouse w/o being an a-hole
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Basically the OP has married the wrong woman, why didn't he find someone who was already into fitness, healthy eating?.0
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May I suggest you getting yourself an app called Habitica? I gained weight after bleeding out during a pregnancy loss a few months ago. I had no energy, my step counter was often at under 100 steps. This sent me into a depression. My friend suggested using the app to set reasonable goals. A month later, I am doing 5000 steps in a day. My severely obese husband saw myself and the kids using it. He has now been using it to help him become more active, make healthy food choices, minimize binging, and even be a better husband and father.0
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tara_means_star wrote: »
To be honest, I wondered the same thing, and the OP is one of the few people to bother explaining it (he did earlier)
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tara_means_star wrote: »
To be honest, I wondered the same thing, and the OP is one of the few people to bother explaining it (he did earlier)
He explained one issue they've been having. It's just one small piece in a much bigger context of their life together. Considering all we know is part of this one issue, it's jumping to conclusions to say he married the wrong woman. My husband and I do not at all share the same interest in exercise or health. I am interested, he is not. Are we suddenly wrong for each other?0 -
I want to add for the OP- don't have children before you get counseling and things change for the better OR before you decide to end the marriage.
Your situation sounds very much like my parents' 40 year marriage, which was very difficult to live with as a child. My parents were very dysfunctional as a pair and caused a lot of damage to their children. It took a lot of effort on my part to become a functional adult.0 -
tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »
To be honest, I wondered the same thing, and the OP is one of the few people to bother explaining it (he did earlier)
He explained one issue they've been having. It's just one small piece in a much bigger context of their life together. Considering all we know is part of this one issue, it's jumping to conclusions to say he married the wrong woman. My husband and I do not at all share the same interest in exercise or health. I am interested, he is not. Are we suddenly wrong for each other?
If he married you fat and suddenly has a problem with it, it's a good question (IMO)0 -
He already explained when they were married she was fun and driven, now she's become someone different. It's not just the out of shape-ness, that's just the part he's latched on as something that Can be fixed.0
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tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »
To be honest, I wondered the same thing, and the OP is one of the few people to bother explaining it (he did earlier)
He explained one issue they've been having. It's just one small piece in a much bigger context of their life together. Considering all we know is part of this one issue, it's jumping to conclusions to say he married the wrong woman. My husband and I do not at all share the same interest in exercise or health. I am interested, he is not. Are we suddenly wrong for each other?
If he married you fat and suddenly has a problem with it, it's a good question (IMO)
The situation he described is like being a fly on the wall in the middle of a couple's argument. You know nothing about them apart from the brief, negative interaction they are having. It would be incredibly easy, if all you saw of that couple was fighting, to think they were clearly wrong for each other. But yet every single couple fights. We didn't even get as much information as a fly on the wall would get. We got a fraction of that. What makes couples strong is what they do after they fight. This couple was able to have great communication, explaining where each was coming from and how the situation was effecting each of them. This kind of communication is the mark of a healthy relationship. No relationship is the epitome of health. We all have some healthy aspects and some unhealthy aspects and OPs marriage doesn't seem any different. He came to post here discussing an unhealthy aspect of their marriage (which is really the communication) and they chose to address it by trading out their unhealthy communication with healthy communication. What is there to say that they aren't right for each other? Because they had unhealthy communication? Show me a marriage that doesn't, at times, have the same struggle (probably with different details) and I'll show you a sham.0 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »
i'm sure i'm not the only one who has dealt with something like this. how do i help motivate her without turning into a drill sgt? i invite her to the fitness center to run with me, but she will say she didn't sleep well or is too tired to go, or she will say she will stay home and do her PiYo workout, but if she doesn't stop it early b/c "she was coughing too much" she does it pretty half assly, pardon the language.
You don't. Fast forward 25 years. Everyone including every medical professional she's ever seen has been telling her for years she needs to lose weight due to the adverse health consequences. But she's a special snowflake and none of this applies to her. Doctors don't know crap. Suddenly she's diabetic. She takes three or four oral hypoglycemics and injects insulin. Her weight has absolutely nothing to do with this. Because she's a special snowflake she ignores her still high A1C. The next thing on the agenda is neuropathy. Now the nerves in her legs malfunction and she is constant pain. Of course because she's a special snowflake its everyone else's fault but her's. Just when it dawns on her she really does need to lose weight it is exceeding difficult because the neuropathy prevents her from exercising.
You can only control you're own behavior. Just be prepared for the consequences of her inaction.0 -
tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »tara_means_star wrote: »
To be honest, I wondered the same thing, and the OP is one of the few people to bother explaining it (he did earlier)
He explained one issue they've been having. It's just one small piece in a much bigger context of their life together. Considering all we know is part of this one issue, it's jumping to conclusions to say he married the wrong woman. My husband and I do not at all share the same interest in exercise or health. I am interested, he is not. Are we suddenly wrong for each other?
If he married you fat and suddenly has a problem with it, it's a good question (IMO)
The situation he described is like being a fly on the wall in the middle of a couple's argument. You know nothing about them apart from the brief, negative interaction they are having. It would be incredibly easy, if all you saw of that couple was fighting, to think they were clearly wrong for each other. But yet every single couple fights. We didn't even get as much information as a fly on the wall would get. We got a fraction of that. What makes couples strong is what they do after they fight. This couple was able to have great communication, explaining where each was coming from and how the situation was effecting each of them. This kind of communication is the mark of a healthy relationship. No relationship is the epitome of health. We all have some healthy aspects and some unhealthy aspects and OPs marriage doesn't seem any different. He came to post here discussing an unhealthy aspect of their marriage (which is really the communication) and they chose to address it by trading out their unhealthy communication with healthy communication. What is there to say that they aren't right for each other? Because they had unhealthy communication? Show me a marriage that doesn't, at times, have the same struggle (probably with different details) and I'll show you a sham.
I'm sorry, I don't really care what the answer is. And this is about the OP's marriage, not yours, or everyone person's on the planet. It's a valid question, and the answer is for the OP to figure out. They posted their question on a public forum, and the responses do not need to be one sided to pacify anyone
Overweight people do not always change overnight. An idea of a good time or stress relief won't always be a long walk, or an intense workout. Vacations will not always need some physically challenging hook to be worth it. Not saying that's always the case for thin people, but there are typically some lifestyle implications for someone carrying a few extra dozen pounds. One day it's not an issue, and then the next it is? What's happened? Again, I don't have what the answer is, but it's a good question, and worth asking or possibly pondering about if you're the one in this situation.0 -
I think it is not bc she does not care for your marriage or herself but rather she may be depressed! Bc the reality is its hard to have someone be away for periods of time and her coping skills must be food.
My husband often would say I want you to see our kids grow up, I wish you would take care of yourself, I wish you cared enough about yourself and us to do something about it! ( well this more often made it worse fights/ anger/resentment and who does he think he is thinking from me.
I had to get ready on my own and come to that place where I wanted it. No one can make that happen you are ready when you are. I'd always felt bad when is try and fail and get depressed but I had to do the work to change my behavior and thinking and self reflection to figure it out.
Then I got frustrated he didn't want to be supporting or exercise/diet w me. The I realized hey this is my journey and he isn't responsible for me! I am. He is his own person and is supporting in different ways now ( after many discussions) but we eat different,he does not still exercise every time I offer but I'll do things he likes too like yoga. If he is not doing his best during yoga and half *kitten* it well that's not really my problem he is doing his best ( that is a control issue btw) and I have to say that he at least is doing something with me and that matters. She will have to get to her own point where she cares enough about herself to want to change but she is not doing it purposely to aggravate or dissapoint you or bc she doesn't love you or care about you or your marriage.0 -
I agree with janejellyroll, it's her own will, which she probably won't, so can you handle that? I can't say how she feels because I don't know. I have never had a weight issue, but I have arthritis that forces me to stay fit and limber. so I do know that it is hard. like anything you do, it takes dedication. I wish I could give you a solution but perhaps couples counseling is the first step .0
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WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »my wife was heavy when we married 3 years ago, so I know it is somewhat unfair for me to "expect" her to lose weight, but she has been saying for longer than our marriage that she wants to lose weight. i joined the national guard before we married, and she said that while i was in basic training (fall of 2012) that she would lose weight while i was gone knowing that i would lose a bunch. She didn't lose weight and i came back weighing less than her (i'm 6'4", she's 5'7"). then in the spring of 2013 she said she wanted to lose weight for our wedding, she didn't. then she joined weight watchers at work, with minimal results over the past 2 years. Last year i went on a deployment and was gone for a total of 12 months including training, and she said she was going to lose weight while i was gone. the 5-10 pounds she lost during that time she gained back in the month after my return.
her weight has severe self esteem ramifications, and that in turn is very detrimental to our marriage. i am a very exercise oriented person, and I have successfully lost a lot of weight in the past, and moderate amounts when i've let myself go for a few months. I know how to lose weight, but any advice i give is met with hostility and she thinks i'm being judgmental and condescending. I know after over 3 years of hearing about plans to lose weight with no results, i've lost a lot of patience and probably could be "nicer", but her way and her time are simply not getting it done. she does suffer from anxiety which has an impact on her motivation to work out. it has gotten to where every little poor choice she makes, whether it being too tired to exercise, or lolly gagging too much in the mornings to pack her own lunch forcing her to have to go out to eat puts me in a bad mood and causes fights. i feel like every decision she makes that is detrimental to her losing weight is an act of not caring about herself or our marriage.
i'm sure i'm not the only one who has dealt with something like this. how do i help motivate her without turning into a drill sgt? i invite her to the fitness center to run with me, but she will say she didn't sleep well or is too tired to go, or she will say she will stay home and do her PiYo workout, but if she doesn't stop it early b/c "she was coughing too much" she does it pretty half assly, pardon the language.
I haven't read every reply but did a quick scan and didn't see this mentioned. You mention that sometimes she stops because 'she was coughing too much'. Sometimes coughing can be asthma. Asthma often doesn't look like what people expect. For some people, it causes throat restriction and mucous build up which causes coughing. Some asthmatics never wheeze. It might be worth a trip to the doctor and a trial with a rescue inhaler. Beyond that, she'll do it when she's ready. If she does it before, it likely won't last long.0 -
WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »my wife was heavy when we married 3 years ago, so I know it is somewhat unfair for me to "expect" her to lose weight, but she has been saying for longer than our marriage that she wants to lose weight. i joined the national guard before we married, and she said that while i was in basic training (fall of 2012) that she would lose weight while i was gone knowing that i would lose a bunch. She didn't lose weight and i came back weighing less than her (i'm 6'4", she's 5'7"). then in the spring of 2013 she said she wanted to lose weight for our wedding, she didn't. then she joined weight watchers at work, with minimal results over the past 2 years. Last year i went on a deployment and was gone for a total of 12 months including training, and she said she was going to lose weight while i was gone. the 5-10 pounds she lost during that time she gained back in the month after my return.
her weight has severe self esteem ramifications, and that in turn is very detrimental to our marriage. i am a very exercise oriented person, and I have successfully lost a lot of weight in the past, and moderate amounts when i've let myself go for a few months. I know how to lose weight, but any advice i give is met with hostility and she thinks i'm being judgmental and condescending. I know after over 3 years of hearing about plans to lose weight with no results, i've lost a lot of patience and probably could be "nicer", but her way and her time are simply not getting it done. she does suffer from anxiety which has an impact on her motivation to work out. it has gotten to where every little poor choice she makes, whether it being too tired to exercise, or lolly gagging too much in the mornings to pack her own lunch forcing her to have to go out to eat puts me in a bad mood and causes fights. i feel like every decision she makes that is detrimental to her losing weight is an act of not caring about herself or our marriage.
i'm sure i'm not the only one who has dealt with something like this. how do i help motivate her without turning into a drill sgt? i invite her to the fitness center to run with me, but she will say she didn't sleep well or is too tired to go, or she will say she will stay home and do her PiYo workout, but if she doesn't stop it early b/c "she was coughing too much" she does it pretty half assly, pardon the language.
You don't change her at all, nor do you try to fat-shame her into changing. You married her just the way she is and you knew what you were getting into when you married her. Marrying her to mold her into what you think is the "perfect" spouse is unfair. That includes her b****ing about her weight, because she was doing that before you married her, too.
The only thing you are allowed to do is accept her as she is and support her when/if she wants to change or divorce her and find someone you can accept.0 -
positivepowers wrote: »
You don't change her at all, nor do you try to fat-shame her into changing. You married her just the way she is and you knew what you were getting into when you married her. Marrying her to mold her into what you think is the "perfect" spouse is unfair. That includes her b****ing about her weight, because she was doing that before you married her, too.
The only thing you are allowed to do is accept her as she is and support her when/if she wants to change or divorce her and find someone you can accept.
this.
You get to make choices for you. You don't get to make choices for her.
Your intentions are good, but please remember....
She is not in the military, and you are not her superior.
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You can't "motivate" someone. You can inspire, encourage, cheer on, offer, but motivation is internal. People know the benefits of exercise and eating right. Getting themselves to do it on their own is another issue.
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blankiefinder wrote: »WeekendWarriorTX wrote: »my wife was heavy when we married 3 years ago, so I know it is somewhat unfair for me to "expect" her to lose weight, but she has been saying for longer than our marriage that she wants to lose weight. i joined the national guard before we married, and she said that while i was in basic training (fall of 2012) that she would lose weight while i was gone knowing that i would lose a bunch. She didn't lose weight and i came back weighing less than her (i'm 6'4", she's 5'7"). then in the spring of 2013 she said she wanted to lose weight for our wedding, she didn't. then she joined weight watchers at work, with minimal results over the past 2 years. Last year i went on a deployment and was gone for a total of 12 months including training, and she said she was going to lose weight while i was gone. the 5-10 pounds she lost during that time she gained back in the month after my return.
her weight has severe self esteem ramifications, and that in turn is very detrimental to our marriage. i am a very exercise oriented person, and I have successfully lost a lot of weight in the past, and moderate amounts when i've let myself go for a few months. I know how to lose weight, but any advice i give is met with hostility and she thinks i'm being judgmental and condescending. I know after over 3 years of hearing about plans to lose weight with no results, i've lost a lot of patience and probably could be "nicer", but her way and her time are simply not getting it done. she does suffer from anxiety which has an impact on her motivation to work out. it has gotten to where every little poor choice she makes, whether it being too tired to exercise, or lolly gagging too much in the mornings to pack her own lunch forcing her to have to go out to eat puts me in a bad mood and causes fights. i feel like every decision she makes that is detrimental to her losing weight is an act of not caring about herself or our marriage.
i'm sure i'm not the only one who has dealt with something like this. how do i help motivate her without turning into a drill sgt? i invite her to the fitness center to run with me, but she will say she didn't sleep well or is too tired to go, or she will say she will stay home and do her PiYo workout, but if she doesn't stop it early b/c "she was coughing too much" she does it pretty half assly, pardon the language.
I haven't read every reply but did a quick scan and didn't see this mentioned. You mention that sometimes she stops because 'she was coughing too much'. Sometimes coughing can be asthma. Asthma often doesn't look like what people expect. For some people, it causes throat restriction and mucous build up which causes coughing. Some asthmatics never wheeze. It might be worth a trip to the doctor and a trial with a rescue inhaler. Beyond that, she'll do it when she's ready. If she does it before, it likely won't last long.
I'll second that one.
I can see the depression thing, I can see the husband caring enough to not only ask for advice, but also listening to it. yet allergies and asthma can also be a driver because it does not have to lead to the well known gasping for breath and wheezing.
I have what my Dr, calls exertion astma. I don't even get mucus. My throat and lung just simply collapse/close off when I am doing hard cardio or walk hills. It is quite scary as when that happens my heartrate goes through the roof (well over normal peak levels) and it feels like a heart attack. It made me very very scared to do any exercise, In the end I went to a cardiologist to ensure it was not my heart and got the all clear and use an inhaler as needed. Gentle excersise (mostly walking) and a very slow build up in to more has reduced the intensity of the attacks and when walking hills.
At the same time when investigating the above issue I was also found to be at least as allergic to dustmite and some other bits and bobs as my asmatic brother. However he wheezes and is really ill when he has an attack. I'm not. My attack is a case just going to mush and can't lift a finger and look just like a lazy blob. Daily meds keep that one at bay now. But because of the difference in presentation of the allergy my brother was diagnised at 6, whereas I was not diagnosed until 40 after my husband insisted I'd see my wonderful GP after a bad attack when on holiday. Still grateful for that one.
I have always wanted to excersise more but simply could not - except in a pool and in very clean environments, now I know why. The clean areas is obvious, but also the chemicals in the pool water mimic some of the medications I am no a little in the lungs. Where for some people the chemicals can be an irritant for me they are a bonus.0 -
blankiefinder wrote: »I haven't read every reply but did a quick scan and didn't see this mentioned. You mention that sometimes she stops because 'she was coughing too much'. Sometimes coughing can be asthma. Asthma often doesn't look like what people expect. For some people, it causes throat restriction and mucous build up which causes coughing. Some asthmatics never wheeze. It might be worth a trip to the doctor and a trial with a rescue inhaler. Beyond that, she'll do it when she's ready. If she does it before, it likely won't last long.
Great catch! I suffered from asthma for a long time before a doctor connected my chronic coughing to asthma. I was called lazy by a number of gym instructors (and track coaches!) over the years because of my inability to push through the coughing.
Now that my asthma's well under control, exercise is not only more pleasant but a lot easier than it was before.
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Okay, I have been following this thread since it began, and I have been noticing a trend. You seem to zoom in only on the replies that offer advice about you or her ability to exercise. You did acknowledge researching depression, which is a good step, but you seem to focus only on what she isn't doing.
This is a red flag to me. From an outsider view, you basically are telling the world that you are making all the right moves while she is not. Yes, she does have mental issues that need to be worked on, but it sounds like you do too. Every post that seems to offer advice on what you can do, except the packing lunch one and researching depression, seems to be met with an excuse as to why it can't happen. And yes, maybe she has turned down efforts. But as others have said, it's seems that at this point, it's a self esteem issue. And by the way you are essentially now trying to change her, I don't doubt that a lot of this is stemming on your behavior.
I'm not going to lie, you already seem like you want this marriage to be over.. Whether you posted for help or not. After 100+ replies, I feel you were just looking for validation in your actions rather than ask for help on what you could do to change. I could be completely off base, which is 100% possible because there isn't full context as a stranger on a forum, but after noticing that you have not once acknowledged how you can change.. Well that's not how things work. Even when you said that you had a good day, it's because you let her behaviors "slide." It's not your job to decide that. Can you let it "slide" the rest of your life? Because just by how you imply that, already appears that you can't. But once again, this is how I am reading it which may or may not be correct. You obviously fell in love with her this way. Depression is a horrible thing, and it truly sounds like you are ignoring this factor completely. Let her solve one problem at a time, or you're going to find that she is going to learn to resent you if she doesn't already.0
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