What No One Tells You About Going Paleo (Hint: It's Sad)
Wetcoaster
Posts: 1,788 Member
http://www.popsugar.com/fitness/Paleo-Diet-Experience-37631676
Recently, I went pseudo Paleo.
I say pseudo, because, like most things in my life, I've jumped in headfirst without putting any thought or research into it (this is also how I ended up taking a workout class called "Insanity." Afterward, I was drooling and delirious. So I guess it delivered).
So, despite being totally unclear on what Paleo entailed, I figured I would try it because the hot guy from the gym told me I ate too many carbs.
Parenthetically, I really should stop listening to people just because they're attractive. If Jeff Goldblum told me to get a bowl haircut and rob a bank, I totally would.
As far as I can tell, Paleo is based off of the premise that humanoids were never sexier or healthier than when they were cavemen. Even though they had no birth control or penicillin or dental floss, and everyone was probably covered in lice, they were supercut and sexy, and that's a lifestyle to which we should aspire.
The Paleo diet demands that you only eat what cavemen did, which means that you need to chew raw woolly-mammoth meat for hours with a mouth full of rotting teeth and wash it down with a nice refreshing gourdful of mud.
I KID! I kid. Apparently with Paleo, you need to eat a lot of protein, in the form of meat, seafood, and eggs. Plus a ton of veggies. A crazy quantity. Like, "the neighbors will start asking if you are in trouble with the local CSA-mob" number of veggies. "You might be having an affair with the guy from the farmers market" quantity of veggies.
This has curious side effects, especially gastrointestinally. Without going into too much detail, some days are . . . biologically slower than others. And some days . . . on some days, things flow way too quickly. Like, I'm basically a human Play-Doh press.
Paleo also requires you to give up processed food, refined sugars, and alcohol, which makes sense because those things are wonderful. But you're also supposed to avoid grains, starches, and natural sweeteners (like honey), and you are supposed to limit your fruit intake. It's sort of like the Inquisition, but less fun.
In some respects, it's worked: being Paleo has killed my will to live, so I'm too sad to snack. My abs look pretty damn good, but I suspect that's from all the nights I spend wracked with sobs because I can't eat anything fun. I would take a selfie to show you, but this isn't Facebook and I'm not your misguided teenage niece.
To give you an idea of the waking nightmare that is my life, I'd like to walk you through today's Paleo abomination, in which I endeavored to make something called "carrot cake cookies" — a name which is at best a misnomer, and at worst a cruel mockery. The recipe describes them as "savory cookies," which is something that, if your blood sugar is low enough, you can almost pretend is a real thing.
But it's not. Savory cookies do not exist. There are real, honest-to-god cookies, which are filled with sugar and flour and all sorts of wonderful things that some random hot guy said I can't eat. And then there are crumbly pucks of carrot and nut that are held together by the indelible resilience of failure and good intentions. I ate three in a matter of seconds. And you know what? They weren't bad . . . though they were seasoned by a bit of forbidden honey and the salt of my own tears.
Carrot Cake Cookies (aka, Pucks of Suffering)
Ingredients:
Carrots
The salt of your own tears
Nuts or something
Ennui
You know what? It doesn't matter what I list here. You should not make these.
If you want to go Paleo, you'll probably need a food processor, which doesn't really make sense, because cavemen didn't even have pants, so they obviously didn't have food processors or ovens or organic coconut oil. Take your ingredients (none of which are even remotely cookie-like), and grind them in the food processor until they resemble cat vomit.
(This is the first and only time in my life I didn't want to eat the cookie dough.) Take the mushy chunks and form them into little patties of sadness.
Bake them in the oven for 30 minutes at 350°F, or just toss them directly into the trash because life is meaningless.
Remember when we cared about things? Remember when our great aunt sat us on the counter of her kitchen in Rome and we watched her fold tortellini by hand, which she made just for us? And how she smiled as we sat there, staring intently at her hands?
Remember that little girl? Who spoke Italian effortlessly and ate carbs with abandon? What would she think of all this?
"We forgot the taste of bread, the sound of trees, the softness of the wind. We even forgot our own name."
The cookies look exactly the same before they are digested as after. They are eternal and unchanging. As time passes, they don't decline in quality or taste because they can't. They've already started out at theoretical zero on that scale.
I weep as I take a bite. These cookies will outlive me unless I destroy them.
Tomorrow, I am getting a slice of cake from the French bakery down the street and eating the entire thing. Then I will eat a plate of pasta and think of people I loved who are no longer with me. Tomorrow, I will do this. And the cookies will be waiting, watching.
Freaking Paleo.
PS You don't want the actual cookie recipe. You don't.
[Edited by MFP Mods]
Recently, I went pseudo Paleo.
I say pseudo, because, like most things in my life, I've jumped in headfirst without putting any thought or research into it (this is also how I ended up taking a workout class called "Insanity." Afterward, I was drooling and delirious. So I guess it delivered).
So, despite being totally unclear on what Paleo entailed, I figured I would try it because the hot guy from the gym told me I ate too many carbs.
Parenthetically, I really should stop listening to people just because they're attractive. If Jeff Goldblum told me to get a bowl haircut and rob a bank, I totally would.
As far as I can tell, Paleo is based off of the premise that humanoids were never sexier or healthier than when they were cavemen. Even though they had no birth control or penicillin or dental floss, and everyone was probably covered in lice, they were supercut and sexy, and that's a lifestyle to which we should aspire.
The Paleo diet demands that you only eat what cavemen did, which means that you need to chew raw woolly-mammoth meat for hours with a mouth full of rotting teeth and wash it down with a nice refreshing gourdful of mud.
I KID! I kid. Apparently with Paleo, you need to eat a lot of protein, in the form of meat, seafood, and eggs. Plus a ton of veggies. A crazy quantity. Like, "the neighbors will start asking if you are in trouble with the local CSA-mob" number of veggies. "You might be having an affair with the guy from the farmers market" quantity of veggies.
This has curious side effects, especially gastrointestinally. Without going into too much detail, some days are . . . biologically slower than others. And some days . . . on some days, things flow way too quickly. Like, I'm basically a human Play-Doh press.
Paleo also requires you to give up processed food, refined sugars, and alcohol, which makes sense because those things are wonderful. But you're also supposed to avoid grains, starches, and natural sweeteners (like honey), and you are supposed to limit your fruit intake. It's sort of like the Inquisition, but less fun.
In some respects, it's worked: being Paleo has killed my will to live, so I'm too sad to snack. My abs look pretty damn good, but I suspect that's from all the nights I spend wracked with sobs because I can't eat anything fun. I would take a selfie to show you, but this isn't Facebook and I'm not your misguided teenage niece.
To give you an idea of the waking nightmare that is my life, I'd like to walk you through today's Paleo abomination, in which I endeavored to make something called "carrot cake cookies" — a name which is at best a misnomer, and at worst a cruel mockery. The recipe describes them as "savory cookies," which is something that, if your blood sugar is low enough, you can almost pretend is a real thing.
But it's not. Savory cookies do not exist. There are real, honest-to-god cookies, which are filled with sugar and flour and all sorts of wonderful things that some random hot guy said I can't eat. And then there are crumbly pucks of carrot and nut that are held together by the indelible resilience of failure and good intentions. I ate three in a matter of seconds. And you know what? They weren't bad . . . though they were seasoned by a bit of forbidden honey and the salt of my own tears.
Carrot Cake Cookies (aka, Pucks of Suffering)
Ingredients:
Carrots
The salt of your own tears
Nuts or something
Ennui
You know what? It doesn't matter what I list here. You should not make these.
If you want to go Paleo, you'll probably need a food processor, which doesn't really make sense, because cavemen didn't even have pants, so they obviously didn't have food processors or ovens or organic coconut oil. Take your ingredients (none of which are even remotely cookie-like), and grind them in the food processor until they resemble cat vomit.
(This is the first and only time in my life I didn't want to eat the cookie dough.) Take the mushy chunks and form them into little patties of sadness.
Bake them in the oven for 30 minutes at 350°F, or just toss them directly into the trash because life is meaningless.
Remember when we cared about things? Remember when our great aunt sat us on the counter of her kitchen in Rome and we watched her fold tortellini by hand, which she made just for us? And how she smiled as we sat there, staring intently at her hands?
Remember that little girl? Who spoke Italian effortlessly and ate carbs with abandon? What would she think of all this?
"We forgot the taste of bread, the sound of trees, the softness of the wind. We even forgot our own name."
The cookies look exactly the same before they are digested as after. They are eternal and unchanging. As time passes, they don't decline in quality or taste because they can't. They've already started out at theoretical zero on that scale.
I weep as I take a bite. These cookies will outlive me unless I destroy them.
Tomorrow, I am getting a slice of cake from the French bakery down the street and eating the entire thing. Then I will eat a plate of pasta and think of people I loved who are no longer with me. Tomorrow, I will do this. And the cookies will be waiting, watching.
Freaking Paleo.
PS You don't want the actual cookie recipe. You don't.
[Edited by MFP Mods]
9
Replies
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I enjoyed this immensely! Thanks for the laughs.0
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Great laugh! I remember seeing a recipe for some kind of paleo cookie that you put chocolate ganache on the top. I'm pretty sure cave people did not have the luxury of chocolate ganache.1
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Heh, I recently had a friend tell me that her $2,000 Thermomix was a great investment because it made it so much easier to stick to strict Paleo. I wondered where the cavemen plugged theirs in?1
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Cliff notes version --- "patties of sadness".
That about sums it up. Lol1 -
This was amazing, lol! I ate Paleo for two years, and this is exactly what it was like!1
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We really need a like button for posts like this. Thanks for such a great laugh.
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Funny indeed! Thanks for sharing
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Omg....I snorted so loud I woke up my husband!0
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I am inexpressibly smitten with the concept of ennui as an ingredient.0
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lol. I went to a paleo restaurant for the first time last week and left kind of sad. This was funny, thanks!0
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lol... flavored with forbidden honey. Forbidden Honey would be a great garage band name.0
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"Little patties of sadness" brilliant.
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Thank you for making me splurt my coffee at the screen 0
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She done write good
I feel similar about cauliflower pizza tbh
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You're funny. And you're right , you can pry carbs out of my cold, dead hands.0
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I feel this way about gluten free things. I have some self diagnosed family members who fear the terrible glutens and we get fed horrible cardboard anti-cookies at family gatherings.
They pat their "wheat bellies" and moan about the carbs and glutens (fully on that whole combo bandwagon these folks) and tell me how they are only rotund because they have failed to avoid them. It can't possibly be the mountains of other things they feast on which have made them fat.
"I am glad that's working out for you", I say, shoving a fully glutenous bread roll into my mouth before reaching for a bowl of pasta.
They get what my partner and I call "chicken bum face" every time they see me (because I am a good deal thinner each time, despite those conspicuously consumed carbs).1 -
Perfect!0
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Loved your post. Cute, and exactly what I think of Paleo. I never fell into the fad trap because I live in Rome, eat Italian, and would never give up carbs--in moderation (of course). Go back to Italy hon, it'll do you a world of good, and you'll really get in touch with your roots.0
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Hahahahahaha! You should take that skit on the road. I just started MFP today and this was a great beginning. You made me laugh. That's not a bad way to start the day. Thank you 0
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I remember seeing this article before. Still just as hilarious. "Pucks of Suffering". Priceless.0
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This was brilliant. Well written, and enjoyable. Much more enjoyable to read than I imagine those cookies were to eat.0
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Ha! This was excellent! You certainly have a way with words.
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Pucks of suffering was my favorite part0
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Love it! Not the cookies, though.0
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"just toss them directly into the trash because life is meaningless."
Beautiful. This is why I don't even bother with paleo (that, and being a paleo vegetarian sounds like a recipe for even less fun). I'll have all the carbs and cheese over here, thanks.0 -
Great way to start the morning! Loved this!0
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Really great article
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"If Jeff Goldblum told me to get a bowl haircut and rob a bank, I totally would.
...
Like, I'm basically a human Play-Doh press.
...
It's sort of like the Inquisition, but less fun.
...
Pucks of Suffering"
I was in tears - thanks for the laugh!0 -
Haaaa! This is so true!0
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Probably the best thing I will read all week! Thanks for that, needed the laugh today. Now if you allow me, I will send you a FR right away because I need a pal like you on here!!0
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