What No One Tells You About Going Paleo (Hint: It's Sad)

SueSueDio

floridagirl7264 wrote: »

I clicked on the link and it showed the pucks of suffering.

Yes... they are indeed "little patties of sadness" and I wouldn't want to waste carrots (or even the salt of my own tears) on making them! I didn't dare click on the recipe link and see what else was supposed to be in there.

I see enough cat vomit in an average week in my own home, courtesy of one particular moggy, so I have no need to make any more in my food processor!

Lovee_Dove7

I burned some cals laughing, thanks!

mmmpork

Thank you for this great post!! I was Paleo/Keto for 3 years and it messed me up really bad. I developed IBS and a visit to the doctor to investigate why I had such exhaustion and severe muscle cramping showed I was also nutrient deficient and slightly hypothyroid. I had to take large doses of B12 and magnesium because my body couldn't absorb it well. Once I started eating bread again, I was able to lower my vitamin doses (cuz trust me you know when you're taking too much magnesium). My IBS is finally gone and I can eat whatever I want like I could before I started on that stupid diet. Seriously, I don't know how I let myself get sucked into it, I blame the armchair pseudo scientists that the Low Carb community is filled with.

Folks, here's the deal, there is insufficient research that shows the effects of a long term super low carb diet. And by long term I mean more than a year. There are ZERO studies that show low carb diets are effective at weight loss. Any study that claims low carb diets are effective at weight loss is flawed because a) the study only lasted a very short time, so it's water weight loss, and/or b) participants weren't able to stay low carb over a long period of time so they actually didn't end up eating low carb. Any weight loss attributed to low carb is a result of cutting calories.

I understand super low carb is helpful for some severe health conditions (like epilepsy or cancer), but unless your treating a serious condition, I really don't know what kind of crazy person would choose such a restrictive and potentially physiologically harmful diet unless they'd been brainwashed into a religious cult. Looking back on my past Paleo self, and seeing how fanatic Keto people are on these boards just cements my opinion on that matter.

I guarantee I'll get a few responses along the lines of "you don't know how to science, here are links to a bunch of studies that basically say what you just said but I can't read them like a rational person because the Ketones my brain is being fueled by have made me a moron so all I see is omg wow low carb is teh best11!!ones"

Another thing that blows my mind, people are so quick to jump on people who want to take health supplements because there's insufficient research and we all know most of them are a scam... but when someone talks about going Keto or Paleo (which also have insufficient research and now have a whole industry scamming the suckers), everyone is all like yeah dude it's amazing I totally cleansed my toxins and I don't need vaccines now.

allaboutthecake

Satirical piece, well done!

Alluminati

Bahahahahahaha

TasnimEz

mmmpork wrote: »

Thank you for this great post!! I was Paleo/Keto for 3 years and it messed me up really bad. I developed IBS and a visit to the doctor to investigate why I had such exhaustion and severe muscle cramping showed I was also nutrient deficient and slightly hypothyroid. I had to take large doses of B12 and magnesium because my body couldn't absorb it well. Once I started eating bread again, I was able to lower my vitamin doses (cuz trust me you know when you're taking too much magnesium). My IBS is finally gone and I can eat whatever I want like I could before I started on that stupid diet. Seriously, I don't know how I let myself get sucked into it, I blame the armchair pseudo scientists that the Low Carb community is filled with.

Folks, here's the deal, there is insufficient research that shows the effects of a long term super low carb diet. And by long term I mean more than a year. There are ZERO studies that show low carb diets are effective at weight loss. Any study that claims low carb diets are effective at weight loss is flawed because a) the study only lasted a very short time, so it's water weight loss, and/or b) participants weren't able to stay low carb over a long period of time so they actually didn't end up eating low carb. Any weight loss attributed to low carb is a result of cutting calories.

I understand super low carb is helpful for some severe health conditions (like epilepsy or cancer), but unless your treating a serious condition, I really don't know what kind of crazy person would choose such a restrictive and potentially physiologically harmful diet unless they'd been brainwashed into a religious cult. Looking back on my past Paleo self, and seeing how fanatic Keto people are on these boards just cements my opinion on that matter.

I guarantee I'll get a few responses along the lines of "you don't know how to science, here are links to a bunch of studies that basically say what you just said but I can't read them like a rational person because the Ketones my brain is being fueled by have made me a moron so all I see is omg wow low carb is teh best11!!ones"

Another thing that blows my mind, people are so quick to jump on people who want to take health supplements because there's insufficient research and we all know most of them are a scam... but when someone talks about going Keto or Paleo (which also have insufficient research and now have a whole industry scamming the suckers), everyone is all like yeah dude it's amazing I totally cleansed my toxins and I don't need vaccines now.

Interesting.. I tried low carb too and was a cramping, grumpy, tired mess for the whole 3 months until I finally gave up. Tried again, lasted a month, tried the third time (because I was told low carb is how humans are supposed to eat, so I must have been doing it wrong if it made me sick!) but ended that first day throwing up everything I ate and decided never to go low carb again. I was curious about paleo but stayed away from it though because of my previous experiences..

Others seem to feel awesome eating like this though, but like you I'm thinking about the effects of eating like this for years..

icemaiden37

It's been a long time since I read anything that made me laugh so hard that I cried! Thanks OP - awesome!

positivepowers

Please post again soon and often. I enjoyed this post immensely.

Three things:
1. After reading this post, I'm glad I've never tried Paleo.
2. Except for the meat, this sounds like the Furhman diet, tears and all. The cookies sounded familiar and I made something called "Black Bean Brownies" on the Furhman diet, the main ingredient being deprivation, not black beans. I'm a compulsive overeater but even I could not choke down some of the food on that diet. No processed anything unless ounce-per-ounce it was more expensive than gold and I could only find it in a little specialty food store 250 miles away or on Amazon.com.
3. "If Jeff Goldblum told me to get a bowl haircut and rob a bank, I totally would." Me too. It's the eyes.

KitchyWitchy

So funny! Thanks for the laughs.

Jancandoit7

This was so funny! I can totally relate. I eat low carb/high fat which is pretty close to paleo and I'm feeling much better eating this way; however, it is making me sad as well- but then my extra weight is making me even sadder so I guess in terms of the sadness factor I'll stick to the low carbs. Okay, gotta go make my fake mashed potatoes (cauliflower) now- mmmmmm

MommyMeggo

Oh man this was an epic read!!

goldthistime

Thanks for sharing this with us OP. I likely wouldn't have clicked the link if you hadn't quoted it, and missing this piece would be tragic.

kalmf

Thanks OP for posting this, hilarious. The writer is Blogger Geraldine DeRuiter of The Everywhereist.

Paiger816

Thanks for posting! I'm covering up laughing at my desk with fake coughing fits. Hopefully I'm covering well.

Francl27

Whitezombiegirl wrote: »

You admit to not researching it and would probably agree that you had some misunderstandings. I came to paleo via an intetest in paleo ethnology and its worked great for me for the last 8 years. Im 90% which means i have 10% of my diet on whatever. Not gonna make a case for it coz it obviously didnt work for you. Each to our own.

90% Paleo... lol. Clearly you must be an expect on paleo eating.

lohlgren

Thank you for the morning giggles!! Great writing! I would follow you if I could find the darn button...

vingogly

Let's see how the Paleo Diet worked for our caveman ancestors 30,000 years ago:

http://fineartamerica.com/featured/venus-of-willendorf-granger.html

snikkins

vingogly wrote: »

Let's see how the Paleo Diet worked for our caveman ancestors 30,000 years ago:

http://fineartamerica.com/featured/venus-of-willendorf-granger.html

To be fair, that's considered a Venus figure (as the name suggests), meaning it was likely a fertility thing, which typically has exaggerated feminine features that were the ones considered best for making babies or are already pregnant in appearance. So, it's unlikely that that's what most people looked like.

jofjltncb6

snikkins wrote: »

vingogly wrote: »

Let's see how the Paleo Diet worked for our caveman ancestors 30,000 years ago:

http://fineartamerica.com/featured/venus-of-willendorf-granger.html

To be fair, that's considered a Venus figure (as the name suggests), meaning it was likely a fertility thing, which typically has exaggerated feminine features that were the ones considered best for making babies or are already pregnant in appearance. So, it's unlikely that that's what most people looked like.

Hush.

(You know facts have no place on this bandwagon.)

snikkins

jofjltncb6 wrote: »

snikkins wrote: »

vingogly wrote: »

Let's see how the Paleo Diet worked for our caveman ancestors 30,000 years ago:

http://fineartamerica.com/featured/venus-of-willendorf-granger.html

To be fair, that's considered a Venus figure (as the name suggests), meaning it was likely a fertility thing, which typically has exaggerated feminine features that were the ones considered best for making babies or are already pregnant in appearance. So, it's unlikely that that's what most people looked like.

Hush.

(You know facts have no place on this bandwagon.)

Don't worry. I felt gross defending the Paleo diet in even a completely indirect way.