married chit-chatters?
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Thanks for your response @DarlingNikki2011
I also thought that maybe he was just feeling insecure since I've made all these changes in myself, but to me that doesn't excuse the lack of support and feelings coming from him. If anything, you think he'd WANT to compliment me to reassure me that he still loves me and is still attracted to me, if not even more, so that I WON'T leave him!
But, you made a good point above by asking how he was before and if he ever complimented me then....and I guess I'd have to say that no, he never really has (except in the beginning of the relationship, like most people do). So maybe that's just who he is? Another question you asked, about if I had a problem with HIS weight before and my answer to that is no. I've always told him how sexy he is, always made him feel loved and wanted (when we met I'd say he was about 230lbs)....but now that I'm so much different and I'm working on a better me, I'm almost repulsed by him now. I don't know if I'm disgusted with him because he won't even TRY to lose weight and be healthier or if I'm actually just not even attracted to him anymore.
And I do about 95% of the cooking in our house. So I do make healthier meals for us, but it's his portion control that gets him in trouble. Even when I mention to him that he should not have so much and maybe eat the salad instead, he doesn't seem to listen.
After we eat dinner I head downstairs and start my workouts and he choses to sit on the couch and watch tv. I've asked him to join me and his excuse is that he's "too big" for the machines (elliptical/treadmill)....but, he could always start with pushups or something.....just DO SOMETHING. But he won't. I feel like we're in different worlds most of the time and like I'm living with a roommate, not my husband.
I never thought I'd make it as far as I've come with my physique and I'm determined to go even further, do even better, and I don't see us doing it together and that's going to be a problem. I'm just lost right now.0 -
mntnwmn477 wrote: »Married here...for now... I feel like a new, totally sexy woman and he refuses to comment on any of it!...I feel like I'm completely alone in this...I'm feeling better than ever and looking hotter than I ever have, I'm not even sure I'm attracted to him now....I almost feel too good for him, as if he didn't deserve me....seems selfish...he's not giving me attention and complimenting me and encouraging me...he's not working on improving himself any....if anything I'd say he's on a downward spiral...I just don't know what to do anymore. I thought becoming a sexier, healthier me would help our relationship but I see that it's completely driven us apart.....
Sounds like you have a foot and a whole "sexier" body already out the door and are on that slippery slope to cheating, if it hasn't already happened. Sorry to hear. I understand that getting back in shape gives you a lot of confidence and a TON of attention, which feels amazing. But it also can distract you from more important things in relationships. If your being healthy becomes an issue, I would hate to see what would happen in sickness or something more devastating.
Not judging because I know the feeling, but there is a bit of reality you should consider there as you move forward in life. I've been there, and still muddle with it.
You've done AMAZING for your body, and mad props on the hard work. But you need to figure out the mind and spirit part to feel better aligned.
Wishing you the best.
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Thanks for the response @Timshel_
Yeah, I suppose I already have a foot out the door, I'm stuck in the middle not sure which way to go.
Our marriage wasn't a 100% before I started this new lifestyle and I honestly thought that by improving myself that it would improve us and I guess I'm just disappointed to see that it hasn't done a damn thing. Other than make me realize that maybe I deserve someone who can SHOW me and TELL me that they want to be with me, that they're attracted to me and to just be on the same path as I am.
We've been through the sicknesses/devastation (with me having had cancer 5 years ago which resulted in a hysterectomy) and we came out of that just fine. We were there for each other then, and I'm just surprised that he's not here for me now during this new adventure in my life.0 -
mntnwmn477 wrote: »We've been through the sicknesses/devastation (with me having had cancer 5 years ago which resulted in a hysterectomy) and we came out of that just fine. We were there for each other then, and I'm just surprised that he's not here for me now during this new adventure in my life.
That's where love is, in the worst of times. I just find lust, pridefullness, and more superficial things come to focus during the really god times. It gets confusing and distracting.
You ever think maybe he is threatened by your progress, or is having personal issues himself? I know you've had such a hard battle with cancer, but if he was right there with you he could be emotionally, mentally, and spiritually worn down too and hasn't rebounded.
Just throwing things out there. I don't know you or the real situation. I just know from seeing so many similar situations around me...it's simply a choice to go or stay. For respect for each other it should be clear which it is so you can both properly move forward or move on.
Again, all the best.
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Anywho...
Still married.0 -
mntnwmn477 wrote: »Thanks for the response @Timshel_
Yeah, I suppose I already have a foot out the door, I'm stuck in the middle not sure which way to go.
Our marriage wasn't a 100% before I started this new lifestyle and I honestly thought that by improving myself that it would improve us and I guess I'm just disappointed to see that it hasn't done a damn thing. Other than make me realize that maybe I deserve someone who can SHOW me and TELL me that they want to be with me, that they're attracted to me and to just be on the same path as I am.
We've been through the sicknesses/devastation (with me having had cancer 5 years ago which resulted in a hysterectomy) and we came out of that just fine. We were there for each other then, and I'm just surprised that he's not here for me now during this new adventure in my life.
You need to decide if you are better off with him or without him..............but I would give the poor schmuck a chance by telling him how you are feeling - unappreciated, unloved, ignored, and see what he says - he may be oblivious to all this.2 -
supernurse_84 wrote: »@lonestar
I have one boy and two girls. It's worked out ok. He feels useless letting his wife work while he stays home but agrees it's best for our kids. I don't harp at him about dinner on the table and a clean house because I know if roles were reversed it would tick me off. He is planning to have chicken houses built soon so he will work from home and I work stop working to be a SAHM once they are paid for. So far so good. We make it work.
I feel like that as a SAHM....like its 'nothing'. Logically i know thats not true, but its hard to get over that mindset.
@mkakids I can only imagine the isolation and lack of significance you feel when you look at your typical day and the seemingly little effect you have on your children at the end of the day.......BUT, I can say I am the product of a SAHM and will be forever grateful for the sacrifice my mom made to be a huge part of us kids' lives (there were 4 of us).
Looking back I think it was the security of knowing she would be there and as we grew up to realize how large and scary the world could be, it was comforting to have her there as a stable constant influence and assurance that things would work out when we learned life's hard lessons.
It is incredibly hard to see the tiny incremental steps your child is making in their development when you see them everyday. It is like being unable to see their physical growth because it happens so incrementally. But believe me, you are truly doing a world of good to your children. Kudos to you and hold your head high. There is a quote that says, "The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world." I believe it completely!1 -
You need to decide if you are better off with him or without him..............but I would give the poor schmuck a chance by telling him how you are feeling - unappreciated, unloved, ignored, and see what he says - he may be oblivious to all this.[/quote]
I've told him a few times already how I'm feeling and he knows exactly what I want and need and yet, still nothing. So he's not oblivious.0 -
mntnwmn477 wrote: »Thanks for your response @DarlingNikki2011
I also thought that maybe he was just feeling insecure since I've made all these changes in myself, but to me that doesn't excuse the lack of support and feelings coming from him. If anything, you think he'd WANT to compliment me to reassure me that he still loves me and is still attracted to me, if not even more, so that I WON'T leave him!
But, you made a good point above by asking how he was before and if he ever complimented me then....and I guess I'd have to say that no, he never really has (except in the beginning of the relationship, like most people do). So maybe that's just who he is? Another question you asked, about if I had a problem with HIS weight before and my answer to that is no. I've always told him how sexy he is, always made him feel loved and wanted (when we met I'd say he was about 230lbs)....but now that I'm so much different and I'm working on a better me, I'm almost repulsed by him now. I don't know if I'm disgusted with him because he won't even TRY to lose weight and be healthier or if I'm actually just not even attracted to him anymore.
And I do about 95% of the cooking in our house. So I do make healthier meals for us, but it's his portion control that gets him in trouble. Even when I mention to him that he should not have so much and maybe eat the salad instead, he doesn't seem to listen.
After we eat dinner I head downstairs and start my workouts and he choses to sit on the couch and watch tv. I've asked him to join me and his excuse is that he's "too big" for the machines (elliptical/treadmill)....but, he could always start with pushups or something.....just DO SOMETHING. But he won't. I feel like we're in different worlds most of the time and like I'm living with a roommate, not my husband.
I never thought I'd make it as far as I've come with my physique and I'm determined to go even further, do even better, and I don't see us doing it together and that's going to be a problem. I'm just lost right now.
I can understand your frustration, but I think you need to step back and consider things from his perspective. This whole post is about how YOU feel and what YOU want and what YOU wish he'd do. It's very self-centered and doesn't acknowledge any of his positive qualities.
He doesn't want to eat smaller meals. He doesn't want to start with pushups. And he's well within his right as an adult to decide if he wants to eat better or exercise. Thoughts that might be going through his head:
-"She's always too busy working out to relax and watch TV with me." We tend to talk like TV is a waste, but a lot of people consider it quality time because you're there together, it gives you a conversation topic, maybe you snuggle. You're no longer doing this activity with him, you're leaving him alone.
-"She finds me so gross that she nags me about my food and wants to force me to exercise." By bothering him about changing, you're telling him he's not good enough/worthy of your love as he is. That's got to feel pretty bad, and it might lead to him comforting himself with food.
I think a big question to ask yourself is why it matters if he gets in shape. Physical attraction is a big deal, and you have to decide if this repulsion you're feeling is something that could change if your attitude toward him (accepting him as he is) changes. Also, some people view fitness as a governing lifestyle while others treat it like a hobby. If you want your quality time to be spent lifting or running with a partner, if you want your vacations to be hiking through mountains, if you want walking or biking to be your main mode of transportation over driving, you may be at an impasse. But if you can view your time at the gym as your personal hobby/interest and accept that he doesn't share it, then maybe it doesn't matter if he's in shape or not.
If you've got one foot out the door, think long and hard about whether you want to come back in or go all the way out. But don't stay where you are too long, and don't cheat while trying to make up your mind. The temptation will probably arise at some point, but the solution to figuring out a problem between two people is NOT adding a third one.5 -
mntnwmn477 wrote: »Married here...for now. Ha! But really, let's get serious...we've been together for almost 11 years, married for 8 and have 2 kids (5 &7). I've been working on losing weight and becoming a healthier me since January, so far I've lost 42 pounds and about 25 inches all over. Awesome, right??! Well my hubby doesn't think so, or at least he never says anything to me about the changes I've made. I feel like a new, totally sexy woman and he refuses to comment on any of it! WTH?! He also doesn't want to work on himself....he's 6'3" and probably pushing 300 pounds! A big guy right? And he has noooo desire to change anything about his eating habits or to start exercising. I feel like I'm completely alone in this. And now that I'm feeling better than ever and looking hotter than I ever have, I'm not even sure I'm attracted to him now....have any of you dealt with this feeling? Like I almost feel too good for him, as if he didn't deserve me....seems selfish, but is it really? Especially if he's not giving me attention and complimenting me and encouraging me along this journey? And he's not working on improving himself any....if anything I'd say he's on a downward spiral. I just don't know what to do anymore. I thought becoming a sexier, healthier me would help our relationship but I see that it's completely driven us apart.....
@mntnwmn477 hmmm, I wish I was able to give some advice but after having been through some martial ups and downs myself I realize how difficult it is to understand the dynamics going on in any relationship when viewing it from the outside.
The one bit of advice I have read thus far which is certainly wise in any season of life is to take your time and do your best to look at the problem(s) with an unbiased eye. Congratulations on having made such great progress in taking control of your health, I wish you only the best no matter what decision you ultimately make.1 -
In response to your reply @mskessler89
-"She's always too busy working out to relax and watch TV with me." We tend to talk like TV is a waste, but a lot of people consider it quality time because you're there together, it gives you a conversation topic, maybe you snuggle. You're no longer doing this activity with him, you're leaving him alone.-
1st, it's not quality time if I don't have any interest in what he's watching. Basically I feel like I'm just sitting there wasting time, when I could be working out.....and we don't snuggle, rarely ever have.
-"She finds me so gross that she nags me about my food and wants to force me to exercise." By bothering him about changing, you're telling him he's not good enough/worthy of your love as he is. That's got to feel pretty bad, and it might lead to him comforting himself with food.-
2nd, I have told him time and time again how I'm attracted to him. I love your beard, your butt is so sexy, you're such a good father, etc....so no, up until lately, I've never found him "gross", and not that I do now, I'm just not sure of how I feel.
And it's not like I go to the gym for hours....he won't let me get a membership. Plus, I couldn't fit it into my schedule even if I wanted to. With a full time job, 2 young kids and being the one who cooks, cleans, etc., my "gym" is the hour or so I get downstairs in our basement.0 -
Ok seems like you have an answer for every suggestion - time to kick his butt to the curb.0
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I don't think there's anything wrong with mtnwmn477 thinking about her own happiness. Especially if her spouse isn't. It's easy to say you need to work on the relationship or leave if you're not in it. People seem to forget most of the time when things have gotten to this point you've had MANY conversations and tried different avenues. Usually the situation becomes cyclical. You make things better only for them to go back to $#it again. You get tired of trying because you've seen the same result over and over. It's almost worse to be in a relationship and feel alone than being single. You should be able to confide in your spouse with all of your concerns and feelings. It's devastating when they act like those things don't matter. You can only take that for so long.
If you do decide to cheat you have to come to terms with that and realize you're not a wife now. You're now a woman that cheats on her husband. I don't know if most can live with that.3 -
Thanks for all your input.....guess I'm a lost cause! LOL0
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cross2bear wrote: »Ok seems like you have an answer for every suggestion.
Sometimes people post until they get the answer they need and want.
She's good looking, has a great body, and will find someone. That's for sure.
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kevinf2380 wrote: »I don't think there's anything wrong with mtnwmn477 thinking about her own happiness. Especially if her spouse isn't. It's easy to say you need to work on the relationship or leave if you're not in it. People seem to forget most of the time when things have gotten to this point you've had MANY conversations and tried different avenues. Usually the situation becomes cyclical. You make things better only for them to go back to $#it again. You get tired of trying because you've seen the same result over and over. It's almost worse to be in a relationship and feel alone than being single. You should be able to confide in your spouse with all of your concerns and feelings. It's devastating when they act like those things don't matter. You can only take that for so long.
Exactly this! Thank you! It sounds exactly what I've been going through. And completely agree about your statement: It's almost worse to be in a relationship and feel alone than being single.0 -
^^^^^Exactly this! Thank you! It sounds exactly what I've been going through. And completely agree about your statement: It's almost worse to be in a relationship and feel alone than being single.1
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cross2bear wrote: »Ok seems like you have an answer for every suggestion.
Sometimes people post until they get the answer they need and want.
She's good looking, has a great body, and will find someone. That's for sure.
You are absolutely right about that - so I gave her an answer - lets see if thats what she REALLY wanted to hear. If not, then I guess she keeps looking.............0 -
It's true that if any of us give any "advice" it's all just hypothetical. And we don't know what's best for anyone in their own circumstances. Only they know, and maybe they don't even know (yet). And I understand it's not easy. Sorry to those of you that are struggling with the serious issues.
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kevinf2380 wrote: »I don't think there's anything wrong with mtnwmn477 thinking about her own happiness. Especially if her spouse isn't. It's easy to say you need to work on the relationship or leave if you're not in it. People seem to forget most of the time when things have gotten to this point you've had MANY conversations and tried different avenues. Usually the situation becomes cyclical. You make things better only for them to go back to $#it again. You get tired of trying because you've seen the same result over and over. It's almost worse to be in a relationship and feel alone than being single. You should be able to confide in your spouse with all of your concerns and feelings. It's devastating when they act like those things don't matter. You can only take that for so long.
If you do decide to cheat you have to come to terms with that and realize you're not a wife now. You're now a woman that cheats on her husband. I don't know if most can live with that.
I agree!0 -
mntnwmn477 wrote: »^^^^^Exactly this! Thank you! It sounds exactly what I've been going through. And completely agree about your statement: It's almost worse to be in a relationship and feel alone than being single.
I'm in the same boat. Some people just don't get it because they can't relate.
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Hello there everyone.1
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So, what's for dinner tonight! Any family favorites?0
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Tacos! Because I missed the boat yesterday...1
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Chicken with lemon sauce plus probably brown rice and a vegetable. Maybe watermelon for desert
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Chicken a la king (or some version thereof) with brown rice and popsicles for dessert -best dessert ever when its 100+ outside1
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Lonestar5715 wrote: »Chicken with lemon sauce plus probably brown rice and a vegetable. Maybe watermelon for desert
That sounds good! Does your family like the lemon sauce? I don't know how my kids would react to that....0 -
I'm MTN biking tonight so I'll probably stop at Chipotle on the way home.1
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mntnwmn477 wrote: »Lonestar5715 wrote: »Chicken with lemon sauce plus probably brown rice and a vegetable. Maybe watermelon for desert
That sounds good! Does your family like the lemon sauce? I don't know how my kids would react to that....
My children are grown now but when they were home I was a meanie when it came to food lol. I didn't make them try really strange tasting (or spicy) foods but if it was something I thought was reasonable I gave them the choice of scraping it off or leaving one item of their meal on the plate if they didn't like it but they had to eat the remaining items. That way they had some choice but also had to eat most of their meal. They knew our home was not a restaurant and our job as parents was not to cater to them but provide them nutritious food. I'll probably pay for it by being put in a terrible nursing home later in life
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