Difficult husband?
Replies
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I hardly mention it to him, that's why I was looking for advice on here and just someone who could relate. I wasn't aware I stumbled up the Stepford Wives. I'm done here.He's an adult. You will NEVER change another person on the face of the Earth - unless they want it first. What incredible stress you will put on your marriage if you continue to make this such a huge issue. As others have said, do your own thing.
You can't change another human =/= Stepford Wives.
Let your husband find his own way. You do you. That is what people are saying. Stop stressing about what someone else does and what someone else eats.
Since I'm among the Stepford set, apparently, how about we put this on the other foot. If my husband complained about my juice and soda consumption, I'd be tempted to up my consumption of double cheeseburgers just to spite. I can't stand to be nagged. Not even a little. Having someone tell me that I'm doing it wrong makes me twitchy. And if he dared try to tell me I was going to be going Paleo, I'd order an extra large pizza and wash it down with a 2 liter of Diet Mountain Dew.0 -
I hardly mention it to him, that's why I was looking for advice on here and just someone who could relate. I wasn't aware I stumbled up the Stepford Wives. I'm done here.He's an adult. You will NEVER change another person on the face of the Earth - unless they want it first. What incredible stress you will put on your marriage if you continue to make this such a huge issue. As others have said, do your own thing.
LOLOLOLOLOL at thinking we're a bunch of Stepford Wives for letting our husbands make their own decisions.
I wasn't going to jump in to this quagmire, but this just caught my attention.
When I first started trying to lose weight, my husband agreed that he needed to do something about his weight too. I started cooking healthier and buying less junk, but I never told him he couldn't eat whatever he wanted. He cleaned up his diet quite a bit, but he still drinks Mt. Dew and eats fast food a few times a week. He's still lost weight though - simply because he's following my lead. But not because I demanded that he change or "laid down the law" for him.
He IS a grown up. Let him make his own choices. You worry about you.0 -
Here's my irony: I work out several times a week and watch what I eat. My husband doesn't work out at all and doesn't watch what he eats.
However, he works a job that doesn't allow him to take a break and eat small meals like I do. He can barely get a bathroom break in on some days.
He's lost 20 lbs in about 3 months, I've only lost 18 in 6.5. Am I jealous? Not really, because he's not going about it in a healthy way.
Lesson learned: we all have our own paths to walk. It's not my place to tell him what he is doing is wrong, because he KNOWS he is not losing weight the proper way. I'm just happy for him that the weight is gone.0 -
TL/DR but I'm guessing I agree with everyone else...pick your battles..he's a big boy.0
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i'll add my 2 cents. Jan 2012 my wife and I decided we needed to lose weight. She joined WW and began cooking healthier. I still ate crap for breakfast and lunch, but had a healthy dinner.
Long story short, she lost weight alot quicker than I did. So end of August I had only lost 30 lbs. I saw her progress and made the changes myself. I'm now down 68 pounds since sept 2012. And I did it on my own. My wife never forced me.
My point, let him do what he wants. Forcing him is going to make him fight now.
nagnagnag0 -
For me I let him do what he wants.
we compromise on certain things like amount of bread we buy and 2% milk.
One new rule that I have brought to the house is for every box of cookies he purchases he has to add 10lbs to his lifts (we lift three times a week) makes for a good challenge..
in all it takes baby steps, don't push him, if he doesn't want to try new things, try smaller portions or a different cooking method (bake instead of fry)0 -
You really need to be talking to your husband about this and not attacking the internets.
Why are you not explaining to him that you are worried about his health (diabetes, weight, heart attacks....) and that seeing him drink so much soda makes you very sad because you want the both of you to have a long and happy HEALTHY life together? Why are you not telling him that you don't want him to give up the gastly stuff never to be seen again, just to cut down every once in a while?
No you wont be able to change him if his mind is set but that doesn't mean its all or nothing. Why not have him set up an account here so he can log his calories and SEE the cost a soda has on his daily limits? Perhaps that would be what he needs to realise he has to cut down or up the exercise to balance it out.
Step away from the food issues and see what he CAN DO for you. Can he come on walks in the park with you? The gym with you? Are there things that you could both be doing together to help you both loose that weight? What IS he willing to do to start taking care of himself in a way that would please you?0 -
Honestly, you're the one sounding like a child and running off to the internet because your husband won't eat the way you want. Besides, real milk and juice are both fine. Paleo is pseudoscientific garbage.
Wow. I came to a fitness/weight loss sight for tips on getting my husband to eat healthier and so far that makes me controlling and a child?
Yes. Yes it does.
As I see it, you threw your husband under the bus by coming on here, presenting him in a negative light, and presenting yourself as the person who gets it right and needs to be in charge of changing him. Personally? I can't imagine coming on a website that's viewed worldwide and talking so negatively of my wife, no matter how many troubles she and I may have. From my point of view, it shows just how childish you actually are. So, Yes. Yes it does.
There are such better ways to address your problems than asking the world to tell you how great you're doing, and how rotten your no good deadbeat husband is. You've got MFPals. Put a note out on your wall that only your MFPals can see, and ask them. If you keep good MFPals, they should all know you pretty well and be able to relate/help. Put it in a blog. You can control who reads your blog, and almost completely, the only people reading your blog are people who know you and take interest in you.
In short, when you turn to your friends, you're looking for help. When you turn to the world, you're looking to have your hand held, your head patted, and somebody to tell you how much better you are than your miserable husband.
If you want things with him to change, change yourself first.0 -
No, dear, you don't have to try to control him, nor do you have to engage in enabling behavior. That's a false dichotomy you've set up. If he is set on drinking the soda, he can totally get it himself. If you just have to expend emotional energy on the situation, expend it on learning how to self-soothe and cope with your feelings of being out of control of him getting one glass closer to diabetes. You can't do a darn thing about his actions, but you can do something about your actions in response to your feelings about his actions. You are still empowered in this situation!You all mean to tell me you can sit back and watch the person you love do something you know is bad for them and say nothing??? So when he gets diabetes I should just say "That's okay honey...what's that? You want another soda, coming right up!"
Worrying about what he's doing when your efforts are better spent working on your own stuff is a symptom of co-dependence. Do you know anything about Al-Anon? A lot of their stuff would really be applicable for you.
I have a lot of sympathy for you, because when I was a child I was put into the role of parent. It's really hard to put that undeserved burden down. But if you invest the effort to do it, your load will be much lighter and it will be easier for you to shoulder the responsibilities that you do legitimately carry.0 -
You can't force him to eat like you want to eat. I lost weight eating like I wanted to eat and let my husband and son stick with what they wanted. You can do your thing and as you lose weight quicker (perhaps) and he doesn't see any changes...he may decide he wants to make some of your changes...but you can't force it.0
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I wasn't aware I stumbled up the Stepford Wives.
I recommend you leave your husband alone and go actually read that book so next time you reference it, you know what you're talking about.0 -
Honestly, it sounds like you need him to abide by your rules because you lack your own motivation. Otherwise, why do you need him to do exactly what you do?
Everyone has different tastes and priorities when it comes to diet. Instead of trying to get him to eat how you want to eat, why don't you help him find the healthy foods that he likes and then stock up on those? You get your foods, he gets his foods...and everyone is happy. Calories are the bottom line.0 -
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You can't force him to live the lifestyle you want. That being said, your changes will impact him. Cook with healthier ingredients. Buy 2 different kinds of milk if that's what you need to do. When a dish calls for milk, use yours. He probably won't even notice. Let him have his juice and bread in the house. That doesn't mean you have to eat/drink it. If he sees you continuously making healthier choices, he may be inclined to do so as well.0
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Marriage is about compromise. If you can't compromise with him on insignificant issues like this, then you are asking for trouble.
Besides. He doesn't have to eat what you eat. You are not the same person. And you don't have to cut foods out of your diet to lose weight. You can't expect him to give up the things that he loves just because you don't want to see it. If you can't refrain from consuming those things without removing them completely from your home, then you are going about this the wrong way in the first place.
You are setting yourself up for failure. You are creating extra stress for yourself that can interfere with your weight loss AND you are creating extra friction in your marriage that neither you or your husband need.
You can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do. You need to consider a new approach to the changes you are trying to make to your diet that is more closely in line with his... or you just need to deal with the fact that your diet is going to be different than his.0 -
Love it...
My husband is 31 and my son is 19.
I don't tell them what to eat, and when I get groceries there are cookies, regular soda, white bread, frosted flakes etc in the cart beside the kale, spinich, berries, whole grain bread etc.
I eat what I want they eat what they want.
You can't control others just how you react...and the reaction of th OP....hmmm interesting...that's why her husband drinks regular soda...to prove he can...good luck with your weight loss journey but don't map out your husbands...he wont travel that route...he will travel his own. Just like my men do...in their own time in their own way.0 -
My wife's doctor suspects that she is gluten intolerant, and recommended that she start eating gluten free. This was a pretty drastic change to our usual, gluten heavy diet. From the beginning, she told me that she didn't expect me to change the way I ate to suit her. Whenever we went grocery shopping she would ask if I wanted things that I knew she couldn't have. She went out of her way to make sure that her changes didn't affect me.
Because she worked so hard to make sure that we were both happy, I had zero trouble giving up gluten as far as the food we had at home. We don't buy it. I'd rather her not have to struggle with temptation. Even when we go out to eat, I try to make a conscious effort to not have rolls or other gluten based foods that she can't have. You better believe that when she isn't looking, I eat the hell out of some gluten though. She knows, and is completely cool about it.
The trick is communication. If you both sit down and figure out a way to reach your goals in a way that works for each of you, you just might be surprised at how far one another are wiling to go to compromise. (And it is absolutely possible to be healthy and eat the stuff he wants to eat.) However if you set out deliberately trying to change one another's behavior with tricks, manipulation or nagging, then you'll hit a bad wall really quickly. Good luck figuring it all out.0 -
some people just like to watch the world burn0
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I refuse to shop in a manner that leaves my family feeling deprived. I buy a little something for everyone. I always hope they dig in on the healthier choices, but if not.... More for me! I learned the hard way that deprivation can lead to binging.
What is your husbands strategy for trying to lose weight? Can u try some of his ideas, then maybe he would be more apt to try your strategies?0 -
LMAO! This has actually turned laughable. I threw my husband under a bus and said how horrible he is? The food he eats does not make him who he is, it is just a poor choice. My husband is a damn good man and I never said otherwise. I never said I was perfect either, if I was I wouldn't even be here needing to lose weight. I wasn't even going to reply again but this just made my day. You all are so ridiculous.Yes. Yes it does.
As I see it, you threw your husband under the bus by coming on here, presenting him in a negative light, and presenting yourself as the person who gets it right and needs to be in charge of changing him. Personally? I can't imagine coming on a website that's viewed worldwide and talking so negatively of my wife, no matter how many troubles she and I may have. From my point of view, it shows just how childish you actually are. So, Yes. Yes it does.
There are such better ways to address your problems than asking the world to tell you how great you're doing, and how rotten your no good deadbeat husband is. You've got MFPals. Put a note out on your wall that only your MFPals can see, and ask them. If you keep good MFPals, they should all know you pretty well and be able to relate/help. Put it in a blog. You can control who reads your blog, and almost completely, the only people reading your blog are people who know you and take interest in you.
In short, when you turn to your friends, you're looking for help. When you turn to the world, you're looking to have your hand held, your head patted, and somebody to tell you how much better you are than your miserable husband.
If you want things with him to change, change yourself first.0 -
LMAO! This has actually turned laughable. I threw my husband under a bus and said how horrible he is? The food he eats does not make him who he is, it is just a poor choice. My husband is a damn good man and I never said otherwise. I never said I was perfect either, if I was I wouldn't even be here needing to lose weight. I wasn't even going to reply again but this just made my day. You all are so ridiculous.Yes. Yes it does.
As I see it, you threw your husband under the bus by coming on here, presenting him in a negative light, and presenting yourself as the person who gets it right and needs to be in charge of changing him. Personally? I can't imagine coming on a website that's viewed worldwide and talking so negatively of my wife, no matter how many troubles she and I may have. From my point of view, it shows just how childish you actually are. So, Yes. Yes it does.
There are such better ways to address your problems than asking the world to tell you how great you're doing, and how rotten your no good deadbeat husband is. You've got MFPals. Put a note out on your wall that only your MFPals can see, and ask them. If you keep good MFPals, they should all know you pretty well and be able to relate/help. Put it in a blog. You can control who reads your blog, and almost completely, the only people reading your blog are people who know you and take interest in you.
In short, when you turn to your friends, you're looking for help. When you turn to the world, you're looking to have your hand held, your head patted, and somebody to tell you how much better you are than your miserable husband.
If you want things with him to change, change yourself first.
I hope you read the less dramatic responses, too. Whether you see it or not, people are actually trying to help.0 -
You need to take care of yourself, OP, and the plan YOU want to follow. Your husband is being supportive and making the changes he can. let him be on his own journey and plan. as long as he is supporting you and making changes he can handle, then you need to support him.0
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Both my husband and I agree that we need to lose weight, but that is where our agreement ends. I want to give up soda and most fruit juices and make water our main drink. The problem is my husband doesn't want to drink water at all. I've told him how important it is but he just brushes it off.
I've tried not buying soda/juice but he just goes out and buys it if I don't.
Dairy is our other problem, the best he will except for milk is 2%. He won't drink skim and when I suggest something like soy or almond milk he flat out refuses it.
I've brought up the Paleo diet and am trying to learn more about it. I see one of the things is giving up bread. Again the husband loves his bread/sandwiches.
Does anyone else have a husband (or wife) who they feel is more like their child sometimes?! Any tips (i.e. sneaky ways to trick him into eating and drinking what I want without him realizing it...what? It's for his own good. :blushing:)?
Unfortunately, you cannot lose the weight for him. He has to want to do it for himself! You need to focus on doing it for you and you may find that he may follow suit down the road, but do not get discouraged if he does not. I have a problem in my house whereas my husband and children do not need to lose weight and can eat whatever they want. My husband has a high metabolism and is always working out at the gym. Therefore, there is always 2% milk, juice, soda, chips, ice cream, etc. in the house. I have to sometimes fight myself not to eat it. I have compensated though and purchase skim milk just for myself, I only drink water and will only occasionally indulge myself with some chips and ice cream. I have begun to cook better meals that include mostly vegetables and for the most part my family doesn't complain there. I am on my journey by myself in my house. For support I turn to those around me that struggle with the same issues. Although my husband is very encouraging, he doesn't quite understand what it is like to gain and have to lose. So I would just understand that you cannot make someone do something that they are not ready to do for themselves. Your husband may be dealing with some emotional baggage that he is not quite ready to deal with. Focus on you and your journey and you might see that your husband may come around after all. Have faith and keep strong in the knowledge that you are doing the right thing for yourself.0 -
I hope you read the less dramatic responses, too. Whether you see it or not, people are actually trying to help.
I do see them and appreciate it. It may not seem that way because I feel attacked for most part for something I don't even do.0 -
Truth is by this point you'll see mostly responses from people who aren't reading any of your posts AFTER the initial post and are posting based on knee-jerk reaction rather than actually reading any clarification that has been given.
Welcome to the crazy that is the MFP forums.0 -
We've only been married for 20 yrs. I tell him a couple of times & then let him do his own thing. Inevitably, he comes around to my way of thinking when his doesn't work...
there's a lot of eye rolling that goes on & I keep telling the kids 'I swear, he was the hottest, coolest, most bad-*kitten* guy around when we were kids'...:blushing:
Be patient :flowerforyou:0 -
LMAO! This has actually turned laughable. I threw my husband under a bus and said how horrible he is? The food he eats does not make him who he is, it is just a poor choice. My husband is a damn good man and I never said otherwise. I never said I was perfect either, if I was I wouldn't even be here needing to lose weight. I wasn't even going to reply again but this just made my day. You all are so ridiculous.
Hun, you basically had referred to your husband as a child and as you found out a few post back, you don't like to be called a child yourself. Now if you are truly concern with his health and your own diet I'm sure there are lots of people who can give tips but don't expect people being all sweet to you when we see you insulting your significant other. For many people the child reference to spouses is insulting and belittlement and we couldn't see other selves using such terms on our love ones. I read your post you did a few post back where you made adjustments and I'm wondering is the problem you are facing is shared groceries and a money budget?0 -
You have some good advice on here that hopefully helps, and I would just ignore the unhelpful comments. I understand what you are trying to do, as I've done it myself. It doesnt make you controlling, but at the end of the day he will do what he wants to do and the best you can do is take care of yourself, and hope he follows.
I have a husband who smokes and drinks to much and lives on junk. For years I've tried to change him, but realise now it will never happen. I stopped becoming an enabler. I shop but do not buy beer, cigarettes and limit the junk. If he wants it he goes gets it therefore HE is accountable for the rubbish he puts inside him not ME.
Shop and cook healthy, if he's hungry he'll eat it, if not he can fix his own meal. Exercise and hope he follows when he sees how fantastic you are looking and feeling.
Best of luck!0 -
We've only been married for 20 yrs. I tell him a couple of times & then let him do his own thing. Inevitably, he comes around to my way of thinking when his doesn't work...
there's a lot of eye rolling that goes on & I keep telling the kids 'I swear, he was the hottest, coolest, most bad-*kitten* guy around when we were kids'...:blushing:
Be patient :flowerforyou:
Exactly! What is wrong with letting him know it's not the best choice???0 -
The reason I said it feels like he is a child because of how he reacts when I try to tell him things. He'll get mad and or sulk and not even try to see where I am coming from. I don't say it to nag or not let him have what he wants I just want him to be well. For most part I don't mention it, but when he is on to his 4th soda in one day I can't help it, I have to comment to him on it. Needless to say he still drinks it. I don't take it away from him or nag until he throws it out.LMAO! This has actually turned laughable. I threw my husband under a bus and said how horrible he is? The food he eats does not make him who he is, it is just a poor choice. My husband is a damn good man and I never said otherwise. I never said I was perfect either, if I was I wouldn't even be here needing to lose weight. I wasn't even going to reply again but this just made my day. You all are so ridiculous.
Hun, you basically had referred to your husband as a child and as you found out a few post back, you don't like to be called a child yourself. Now if you are truly concern with his health and your own diet I'm sure there are lots of people who can give tips but don't expect people being all sweet to you when we see you insulting your significant other. For many people the child reference to spouses is insulting and belittlement and we couldn't see other selves using such terms on our love ones. I read your post you did a few post back where you made adjustments and I'm wondering is the problem you are facing is shared groceries and a money budget?0
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