Gained Weight and Lied to BF About It
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You have got you a "good" one! Me too, I am very lucky. But I did kiss some frogs before I got him, I actually relate to exactly what is going on OP's story. And just like anything else, until you taste the good stuff, you really can't imagine that there is any better than what you've got.
I also wondered what were the consequences.. but just knowing that there were "any" consequences made me sad and cringe.
My husband is great. He is everything I said above and more, but I have had my share of relationships (of all kinds) with bad men too and I can related as well. Which is why I tried to paint is black and white and ask what he actually does to help her. Because in all of my bad relationships there was an intrinsic lack of trust because internally I knew something wasn't right. And if the OP is the black and white truth something is really, really wrong in their relationship. She doesn't trust him with her stress, her emotions, hell from her OP she knows that she can't even trust him to deal with her gaining 2lbs without her needing to seek emotional shelter or else she wouldn't have lied to him.1 -
jofjltncb6 wrote: »EvgeniZyntx wrote: »SoCalMirna wrote: »My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful at work and I gained a few pounds. When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me, so I hid it from him, and thought "I can lose those pounds and get back on track without him knowing." 2 pounds turned to 4 pounds turned to 5-6. Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him. And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him to talk about why I gained the weight: work stress, weight loss stress, not caring about myself and putting others first. He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. Not sure what's going to happen. I guess I just need to dust myself of and try again, but ive been trying for 15 years. Maybe I need therapy...
Yes, you do.
This relationship is in the bin if your bf won't talk to you over a few pounds.
The rest? Therapy at least.
To be fair, I read it as him being upset that she lied to him. And I get that. If she's lying about something so relatively trivial, then what else is she lying to him about?
"When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me"
"Finally he had me weigh in in front of him"
"He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours"
I agree that lying is not a good idea in a relationship; however, that he's giving her the silent treatment (whether due to lying, weight gain, and/or both) is immature. That he's so invested in her weight loss that he gets "mad" if she doesn't lose and made her weigh in front of him? At best, he's immature. At worst, he's abusive. We can only give advice based on what she tells us since her BF isn't on here to give his side (I'm assuming).4 -
EvgeniZyntx wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »butterfli7o wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »EvgeniZyntx wrote: »SoCalMirna wrote: »My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful at work and I gained a few pounds. When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me, so I hid it from him, and thought "I can lose those pounds and get back on track without him knowing." 2 pounds turned to 4 pounds turned to 5-6. Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him. And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him to talk about why I gained the weight: work stress, weight loss stress, not caring about myself and putting others first. He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. Not sure what's going to happen. I guess I just need to dust myself of and try again, but ive been trying for 15 years. Maybe I need therapy...
Yes, you do.
This relationship is in the bin if your bf won't talk to you over a few pounds.
The rest? Therapy at least.
To be fair, I read it as him being upset that she lied to him. And I get that. If she's lying about something so relatively trivial, then what else is she lying to him about?
I'm sorry, but even if I lied to my husband about gaining 5 pounds, my husband wouldn't care. He definitely wouldn't be upset enough to not talk to me. That's not how I'm seeing this situation at all.
I know people for whom it *would* be a big deal to be lied to about it though. Know them very well. And her post gives me no reason to discount that this is a factor, perhaps even the most significant factor.
Why so much discounting my life experiences?
@butterfli7o
If Jof lied to me about his body fat, I'd be really pissed off.
It affect my goals and long term strategy.
Don't discount how lying can affect others.17.5%
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I really can't even categorize someone not telling their partner they gained weight as "lying". There is zero reason for him to be mad and not talking to the OP about this, either the weight or the "lying" about it. Even based on this short post he seems overly invested in her weight.
There's a huge difference between someone being supportive of their partner's weight loss efforts and them being involved in it to the extent he seems to be. There is nothing supportive about that and it seems incredibly negative.4 -
Wow people are making Sooooooo many assumption's here.
I have no idea what their relationship is like, is the boyfriend a bad guy? Abusive?? none but the OP know that.
Some people just keep secrets! its just as easy for the boyfriend to be a lovely and supportive man. Perhaps the OP has trust issues, perhaps she's had BF's who have let her down, perhaps she simply feels guilty for letting herself down.
Yes she deserves to be in a loving relationship where she can be open and honest, but we should shouldn't decide the BF is a bad guy because she can't do that. Or because he got upset about being lied too... perhaps this is one of many situations she's lied or perhaps he feels hurt she couldn't be honest, because he thought she could tell him anything.
We simply do not have enough information from a paragraph of information.
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WickedPineapple wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »EvgeniZyntx wrote: »SoCalMirna wrote: »My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful at work and I gained a few pounds. When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me, so I hid it from him, and thought "I can lose those pounds and get back on track without him knowing." 2 pounds turned to 4 pounds turned to 5-6. Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him. And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him to talk about why I gained the weight: work stress, weight loss stress, not caring about myself and putting others first. He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. Not sure what's going to happen. I guess I just need to dust myself of and try again, but ive been trying for 15 years. Maybe I need therapy...
Yes, you do.
This relationship is in the bin if your bf won't talk to you over a few pounds.
The rest? Therapy at least.
To be fair, I read it as him being upset that she lied to him. And I get that. If she's lying about something so relatively trivial, then what else is she lying to him about?
"When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me"
"Finally he had me weigh in in front of him"
"He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours"
I agree that lying is not a good idea in a relationship; however, that he's giving her the silent treatment (whether due to lying, weight gain, and/or both) is immature. That he's so invested in her weight loss that he gets "mad" if she doesn't lose and made her weigh in front of him? At best, he's immature. At worst, he's abusive. We can only give advice based on what she tells us since her BF isn't on here to give his side (I'm assuming).
Fair point.
I mean, I'm not saying this guy isn't an asshat. He may be. I'm just offering some balance to the usual cries of "crucify him!".
We can all agree that, regardless of the specific reasons, their relationship needs some work.5 -
jofjltncb6 wrote: »EvgeniZyntx wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »butterfli7o wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »EvgeniZyntx wrote: »SoCalMirna wrote: »My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful at work and I gained a few pounds. When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me, so I hid it from him, and thought "I can lose those pounds and get back on track without him knowing." 2 pounds turned to 4 pounds turned to 5-6. Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him. And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him to talk about why I gained the weight: work stress, weight loss stress, not caring about myself and putting others first. He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. Not sure what's going to happen. I guess I just need to dust myself of and try again, but ive been trying for 15 years. Maybe I need therapy...
Yes, you do.
This relationship is in the bin if your bf won't talk to you over a few pounds.
The rest? Therapy at least.
To be fair, I read it as him being upset that she lied to him. And I get that. If she's lying about something so relatively trivial, then what else is she lying to him about?
I'm sorry, but even if I lied to my husband about gaining 5 pounds, my husband wouldn't care. He definitely wouldn't be upset enough to not talk to me. That's not how I'm seeing this situation at all.
I know people for whom it *would* be a big deal to be lied to about it though. Know them very well. And her post gives me no reason to discount that this is a factor, perhaps even the most significant factor.
Why so much discounting my life experiences?
@butterfli7o
If Jof lied to me about his body fat, I'd be really pissed off.
It affect my goals and long term strategy.
Don't discount how lying can affect others.17.5%
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jofjltncb6 wrote: »WickedPineapple wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »EvgeniZyntx wrote: »SoCalMirna wrote: »My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful at work and I gained a few pounds. When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me, so I hid it from him, and thought "I can lose those pounds and get back on track without him knowing." 2 pounds turned to 4 pounds turned to 5-6. Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him. And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him to talk about why I gained the weight: work stress, weight loss stress, not caring about myself and putting others first. He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. Not sure what's going to happen. I guess I just need to dust myself of and try again, but ive been trying for 15 years. Maybe I need therapy...
Yes, you do.
This relationship is in the bin if your bf won't talk to you over a few pounds.
The rest? Therapy at least.
To be fair, I read it as him being upset that she lied to him. And I get that. If she's lying about something so relatively trivial, then what else is she lying to him about?
"When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me"
"Finally he had me weigh in in front of him"
"He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours"
I agree that lying is not a good idea in a relationship; however, that he's giving her the silent treatment (whether due to lying, weight gain, and/or both) is immature. That he's so invested in her weight loss that he gets "mad" if she doesn't lose and made her weigh in front of him? At best, he's immature. At worst, he's abusive. We can only give advice based on what she tells us since her BF isn't on here to give his side (I'm assuming).
Fair point.
I mean, I'm not saying this guy isn't an asshat. He may be. I'm just offering some balance to the usual cries of "crucify him!".
We can all agree that, regardless of the specific reasons, their relationship needs some work.
Agreed and that's why I responded how I did. Regardless of why he is upset, I don't see wanting to stick in a relationship where one feels the need to lie. If it's because he'll react badly to the truth, then he's not somebody to stick with. If it's because the OP is a habitual liar for no reason at all, then she should let the guy go so he can find somebody better to date. If you don't want to let go, then try working on it, but lying, even over a stupid thing like a few pounds, is a big red flag that something is out of whack, possibly farther than can be put back into whack.0 -
A man who truly loves you wont care what you weight!! My parents have been happily married for 31 years and my mom was a size 8 when they first married. Over the years she became a size 18 and my dad couldn't give a flying fart. I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship, and honey,it only gets worse!! ANYONE that makes you feel this way you need to remove from your life.2
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EvgeniZyntx wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »EvgeniZyntx wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »butterfli7o wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »EvgeniZyntx wrote: »SoCalMirna wrote: »My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful at work and I gained a few pounds. When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me, so I hid it from him, and thought "I can lose those pounds and get back on track without him knowing." 2 pounds turned to 4 pounds turned to 5-6. Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him. And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him to talk about why I gained the weight: work stress, weight loss stress, not caring about myself and putting others first. He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. Not sure what's going to happen. I guess I just need to dust myself of and try again, but ive been trying for 15 years. Maybe I need therapy...
Yes, you do.
This relationship is in the bin if your bf won't talk to you over a few pounds.
The rest? Therapy at least.
To be fair, I read it as him being upset that she lied to him. And I get that. If she's lying about something so relatively trivial, then what else is she lying to him about?
I'm sorry, but even if I lied to my husband about gaining 5 pounds, my husband wouldn't care. He definitely wouldn't be upset enough to not talk to me. That's not how I'm seeing this situation at all.
I know people for whom it *would* be a big deal to be lied to about it though. Know them very well. And her post gives me no reason to discount that this is a factor, perhaps even the most significant factor.
Why so much discounting my life experiences?
@butterfli7o
If Jof lied to me about his body fat, I'd be really pissed off.
It affect my goals and long term strategy.
Don't discount how lying can affect others.17.5%
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I don't have time to type all the stuff I want to right now, but for anyone defending him.... The fact that he made her get on a scale in front of him for ANY reason, is enough. This would be humiliating and belittling for her seeing as she's already terrified to tell him she gained a few pounds. Doing that to someone could be seen as abusive. Talking to her, asking her is one thing, making her do that is another. Not speaking to someone, "punishing" them, is also a form of emotional abuse.
Keeping your weigh to yourself is not lying. She has a right to a little privacy in her life, and it's nothing about him, it's has only to do with her. It's something she needs to work out and work on for herself. Being afraid of his reaction is not a reason to lose weight, it will never work. Also, I don't care how long she's been battling it, I've been battling my weight since I was 22, at 45 it's still a fight. That does not mean she needs therapy. That's ridiculous. It's a lifelong battle for many people.15 -
So many things wrong with this situation... All I'm going to say is...this isn't the only thing this guy is going to try to control in your life. You don't need to be in any relationship where that's happening. Ever. And if you're afraid of him/his reactions/judgements is only one more reason you need to find it within yourself to get away, because I promise you...this won't end well.2
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Guy made her stand on the scale.
I've been married for close to a decade now, I still don't know what my wife weighs.
I'd be getting some dirty hooks to the body if tried to pull this shiz with her.
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SoCalMirna wrote: »My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful at work and I gained a few pounds. When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me, so I hid it from him, and thought "I can lose those pounds and get back on track without him knowing." 2 pounds turned to 4 pounds turned to 5-6. Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him. And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him to talk about why I gained the weight: work stress, weight loss stress, not caring about myself and putting others first. He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. Not sure what's going to happen. I guess I just need to dust myself of and try again, but ive been trying for 15 years. Maybe I need therapy...
Losing 10lbs over several months and then regaining 5-6 in a few weeks would be painful, regardless of the BF stuff. I feel for you. I have a tendency to go back and "revisit" old numbers on the scale myself. I'm not as consistent as I'd like to be. But I am persistent, and that's good enough. When I've started stress eating and can't seem to get back into "diet mode" I aim for maintenance calories and log. The logging automatically reminds me to eat healthier and in controlled portions. Once I have "stabilized" it usually doesn't take long and I find myself ready to aim for a small deficit again. No permanent damage done unless you quit. For me, this back and forth weight loss (with an overall downward trend) works. There are even days when I imagine reasons why this "style" might make me less likely to regain it all in the long run.
Don't give up! Take it as slowly as you need to, just keep at it.
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Wow. I certainly wouldn't take the crap from my husband. Ever.
Your guy sounds very controlling and abusive. Yes, emotionally abusive. He could have talked to you a little more about how you've been feeling and be comforting instead of shutting you out like that. Not very mature on his part.3 -
My husband doesn't know my weight. We have a wonderful relationship. Loved me bigger, loves me smaller. The demand you get on the scale is disturbing. I can't even wrap my brain around it.2
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No.0
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Therapy, maybe. New boyfriend...definitely.5
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SoCalMirna wrote: »My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful at work and I gained a few pounds. When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me, so I hid it from him, and thought "I can lose those pounds and get back on track without him knowing." 2 pounds turned to 4 pounds turned to 5-6. Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him. And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him to talk about why I gained the weight: work stress, weight loss stress, not caring about myself and putting others first. He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. Not sure what's going to happen. I guess I just need to dust myself of and try again, but ive been trying for 15 years. Maybe I need therapy...
Yes, therapy is probably an excellent idea to help you learn to communicate your feelings and manage your stress.
I don't know why your BF is angry or if it is justified but therapy for you would be a good move regardless of his issues.1 -
MissusMoon wrote: »My husband doesn't know my weight. We have a wonderful relationship. Loved me bigger, loves me smaller. The demand you get on the scale is disturbing. I can't even wrap my brain around it.
This was what I was thinking when I read the original post. I am absolutely astounded by the number of people who are defending this guy. Yeah, she may have lied, but she also stated that she was afraid to tell him the truth. You should never be terrified of openly speaking the truth in a healthy relationship.
For the record, the number of boyfriends I've had who have known about or even inquired about my weight: 0.
If any of them had ever asked me to step on a scale in front of them or to demand to know my weight, I'd tell them to go pound sand up their *kitten*. If I felt the need to tell them my weight, that would be different. I never asked them any of their weights, either. It was none of my business. I certainly was never going to give them a bunch of crap over it..
I would definitely suggest that you seek counseling for the stress eating issues and ways to deal with that, and also for your relationship. There is nothing wrong or shameful about seeking outside assistance.
You deserve better than this,OP.4 -
He made you weigh in front of him. Not ok ever, a doctor won't even force that if you say no.2
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The fact that you are scared about gaining such a small amount of weight, and felt the need to lie about it screams volumes about the kind of relationship you have.
I would never lie to my BF about my weight because I don't have to. He just doesn't care - he loves me for who I am as a person, not what weight I'm at. I gained about 30 lbs since being with him and his reaction when I said I wanted to lose weight? "I didn't even notice you had gained weight". The time when my friends encouraged me to lie to him (I had gone over our budget for gifts for each other for Christmas) I didn't - I told him how much I spent. He just sighed and shook his head. But there wasn't a fight and we've never fought.
Anyway, I would look at the relationship you have. Question it. If you're truly happy, good for you. I sincerely doubt it based on what you wrote though. Surround yourself with people who love and support you and bring you up, not tear you down.2 -
IMO, you don't have to answer to ANYONE!!!
Simply yourself.
If your bf is trying to help, that's one thing, but this doesn't sound helpful when you have to hide, lie and feel shameful about weight ... of all things ... THIS isn't something you should be hiding/lying/or feeling shameful about. Nothing for that matter, but most of us have things we choose to never share.
If he's upset that you felt like you had to lie, then that's one thing.
Maybe he doesn't want to be lied too about ANYTHING??
But if he's upset you haven't lost, or gained some back, then that's entirely another situation.
As far as how things will turn out?
Communication girl.
And if neither of you can ... effectively ... this isn't probably what either one of you will want long term. Weight loss or not.1 -
My ex husband started picking at me about my "pudgy" belly when we were dating. I was 17 or 18 years old (blinded by love) and weighing 110 or 115 pounds and a size 5 in jeans. I am 5'5". Looking back, I was skinny as a rail. And I stayed just that skinny until age 29 when I got pregnant. I lost most of the weight from that first pregnancy, but a few years later and another pregnancy . . . .
Let me just cut to the chase. I finally realized that he NEVER truly loved me for me. All along he had been more worried about how I looked or what I could do for HIM financially. He never did anything selfless for me, ever. And to this day I don't think he understands what true love really is. If your boyfriend is all hung up on your weight, he does not, CANNOT truly love you for you. He would not WANT to make you feel bad about your weight.
My current husband and I both gained weight once we settled in together. We call it the "fat and happy" syndrome. And of course we both want to lose weight. That's why I'm here and he stopped having seconds at dinner every night. But, never ever no not once, have either of us ever criticized one another about gaining weight (and I gained first) or gotten angry about it. We still love and are attracted to one another 8 years later.
I am not trying to be harsh here, but as another comment mentioned, this hit a sore spot for me. My divorce was not a result of me gaining weight. It was a result of me being married to someone who did not love me as much as I loved him. Don't waste years of your life like I did! Run, run fast and far away from this fool.3 -
Sorry to say but all these women are right! No guy should make or tell you you need to lose weight. You lose weight when you want to lose weight. Heavy or not your beautiful. You want to lose weight for you not anyone else. If my man told me that I needed to lose weight and was mad at me that I didn't lose weight! Someone would get punched in the face and kick his *kitten* out and not ever talk to him! We are not perfect and I would tell your man to re think himself on what he really and truly wants. I know it'll be hard but if he wants a pick thin girl tell his *kitten* to hit the curb and go find one. You deserve way better than that. He sounds like a complete *kitten* whole to tell and make you do something like that and then not talk to you! Even if you are losing weight it's not all going to go away within a couple of days. It takes time your weight will go up and down all the time so he needs to get over himself!1
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Wow people are making Sooooooo many assumption's here.
I have no idea what their relationship is like, is the boyfriend a bad guy? Abusive?? none but the OP know that.
Some people just keep secrets! its just as easy for the boyfriend to be a lovely and supportive man. Perhaps the OP has trust issues, perhaps she's had BF's who have let her down, perhaps she simply feels guilty for letting herself down.
Yes she deserves to be in a loving relationship where she can be open and honest, but we should shouldn't decide the BF is a bad guy because she can't do that. Or because he got upset about being lied too... perhaps this is one of many situations she's lied or perhaps he feels hurt she couldn't be honest, because he thought she could tell him anything.
We simply do not have enough information from a paragraph of information.
Uh, really . . . Let's just assume for a moment that said BF is loving and supportive and just upset that she lied. Nope, can't do it. Doesn't compute. If that were true, he would have asked why she felt the need to lie instead of giving her the silent treatment for 24 or more hours. IF you can't see that dear BF is, at best, NOT supportive . . . . you are living life with rosy tinted glasses.2 -
Wow people are making Sooooooo many assumption's here.
I have no idea what their relationship is like, is the boyfriend a bad guy? Abusive?? none but the OP know that.
Some people just keep secrets! its just as easy for the boyfriend to be a lovely and supportive man. Perhaps the OP has trust issues, perhaps she's had BF's who have let her down, perhaps she simply feels guilty for letting herself down.
Yes she deserves to be in a loving relationship where she can be open and honest, but we should shouldn't decide the BF is a bad guy because she can't do that. Or because he got upset about being lied too... perhaps this is one of many situations she's lied or perhaps he feels hurt she couldn't be honest, because he thought she could tell him anything.
We simply do not have enough information from a paragraph of information.
Uh, really . . . Let's just assume for a moment that said BF is loving and supportive and just upset that she lied. Nope, can't do it. Doesn't compute. If that were true, he would have asked why she felt the need to lie instead of giving her the silent treatment for 24 or more hours. IF you can't see that dear BF is, at best, NOT supportive . . . . you are living life with rosy tinted glasses.
Yeah. This sounds so much like my marriage. The ex would get mad for whatever reason and then he would give me the silent treatment for days. I would be forced to break the silence (more control on his part) just to make it stop. It's a horrible situation to be in when you're married (legally bound) to the person. And if it's happening now it won't stop, and unfortunately..it won't stop at the scale. It leaks into friends/family/finances... This character trait just sets off alarms for me.
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BeaUtiful_1413 wrote: »Sorry to say but all these women are right! No guy should make or tell you you need to lose weight. You lose weight when you want to lose weight. Heavy or not your beautiful. You want to lose weight for you not anyone else. If my man told me that I needed to lose weight and was mad at me that I didn't lose weight! Someone would get punched in the face and kick his *kitten* out and not ever talk to him! We are not perfect and I would tell your man to re think himself on what he really and truly wants. I know it'll be hard but if he wants a pick thin girl tell his *kitten* to hit the curb and go find one. You deserve way better than that. He sounds like a complete *kitten* whole to tell and make you do something like that and then not talk to you! Even if you are losing weight it's not all going to go away within a couple of days. It takes time your weight will go up and down all the time so he needs to get over himself!
Yes, this. And if you stay with this guy, what happens later on in life when you get sick or get pregnant and gain some weight? Think!0 -
The whole thing sounds very humiliating. I mean, what was that like? "Hey you! Stand on the scale! Right there!" Probably wouldn't even force a child to weigh themself if they didn't want to2
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