Gained Weight and Lied to BF About It
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jofjltncb6 wrote: »You deserve better honey. You deserve a partner. Someone who will love you and think you're gorgeous no matter your size. It's good to have someone who will support you in reaching your goals but you should never be afraid of letting them know you've hit a setback. Please, love yourself more and demand better from him.
A Friend of mine is currently going through a heartbreaking divorce after more than 10 years together because she could never lose enough weight for her husband to truly love her so your situation really hits me. Please don't stay in an unhealthy relationship.
And he deserves someone who won't lie to him.
(Well, I mean, I'm assuming. I don't know enough about him to know what he does or doesn't deserve. But as long as you're making the leap for random internet woman, I'll do the same for random internet guy.
So, it sounds like she's in an emotionally abusive relationship. She can't talk to him about her stress probably because he'll get angry or belittle her. If he gets mad at her for being stressed, or not losing weight, you'd be surprised at other trivial things he'll get mad at.
My husband gets angry at me if my son (who's 16) or I have one of his cokes (the soda, not the drug), or if I buy an extra pack of cigarettes, even though he can buy all he wants. Hell, I got yelled at for buying a new $3.00 shirt because my husband just dropped $1000 on a second Xbox one and a second monitor for his computer. To avoid fights, I lie. Not huge lies, but if he asks about a new shirt, I tell him my father bought it for me, because I don't want to be given the third degree and then be blamed because my $3.00 purchase is the reason we're tight on money this week. Because it sure as hell not the $1000 he spent.
By defending the BF, I can assume you've never been in an emotionally abusive relationship. You're lucky. She deserves some one is isn't going to treat he badly and crush her soul. So until you've walked in those shoes, you have no right to judge. Lying becomes a sanity saving defense mechanism.
You're reading *way* into the backstory for OP...*and* me based on little to no actual information.
The number and depth of the assumptions you made in this post are fascinating. Truly.
Also, given the far greater details in your post (compared to OP), it sounds like you are in an incredibly unhealthy relationship and should seek couples and/or individual counseling either to salvage the relationship or at least yourself. (I mean this. Sincerely.)6 -
How old are you two??0
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Cohalligan wrote: »My husband is really invested in my weight loss journey because I am a genuinely happier person when I like what I see in the mirror (who isn't?) But, my husband supports me by cleaning the house so I can get in nightly workouts without the house falling to shambles (exaggeration), he also puts my daughter to bed without me some nights if I am meeting a girlfriend at the gym before close, he supports me accessing tools that he knows will motivate me (like my nutritional plan from a personal trainer, the fitbit I bought, new smaller sized clothing even when it's not strictly needed etc). He also plans date nights well in advance with me so we can plan were we are going and I can make it fit in my eating plan.
He doesn't get overly invested in my weight loss numbers other than congratulating me when I have lost weight and letting me *kitten* when I am in a plateau. He doesn't question my eating habits if I want a treat, and doesn't make me feel bad if my progress is slowed because of a binge.
What does your boyfriend actually do to help you lose weight if you were so nervous and upset over his possible reaction that you had to lie to him over two pounds? I hesitate to even call it a 2 pound gain because women will retain water weight at different times of the month. What came next, sure, but the original 2 pounds? Who knows.
You have got you a "good" one! Me too, I am very lucky. But I did kiss some frogs before I got him, I actually relate to exactly what is going on OP's story. And just like anything else, until you taste the good stuff, you really can't imagine that there is any better than what you've got.
I also wondered what were the consequences.. but just knowing that there were "any" consequences made me sad and cringe.1 -
Right so with out actually being in the house and living with you and knowing 100% the ins and outs of your relationship; basing this purely on what you posted this is what I got out of this:
You lied to him because you don't trust him to talk about your feelings.
Do you lie to him often about things not weight loss related?
WHY don't you "trust him" to talk about your feelings, has he been angry and verbally abusive to you in the past?
Perhaps the reason he's not talking to you has nothing to do with the weight gain and everything to do with the fact that you lied and didn't think to talk to him about it.
Do you two sit down and talk to each other? Communicate?
I can't imagine being in a relationship where I have to lie about, well, anything and where I don't trust my partner to tell them how I feel. I tell my husband everything. He's my best friend!
I am sensing that there's a whole lot more going on than just this small issue.2 -
You shouldn't lie to him and he shouldn't be this wrapped up in your weight loss.
This sounds like a terrible relationship all-around and you both probably need therapy. Oy.
I mean, I don't give my fiance specifics about my weight, but not because HE cares -- it's because I'M not comfortable telling anyone how much I weigh. In fact, last night he was going on and on about how much he doesn't even care because that isn't why he loves me. And I get that physical attraction matters and all that, but if it's to the point where there's no attraction, then maybe it's time to move on or something. Getting all controlling about it isn't ever going to be the answer.3 -
jofjltncb6 wrote: »EvgeniZyntx wrote: »SoCalMirna wrote: »My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful at work and I gained a few pounds. When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me, so I hid it from him, and thought "I can lose those pounds and get back on track without him knowing." 2 pounds turned to 4 pounds turned to 5-6. Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him. And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him to talk about why I gained the weight: work stress, weight loss stress, not caring about myself and putting others first. He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. Not sure what's going to happen. I guess I just need to dust myself of and try again, but ive been trying for 15 years. Maybe I need therapy...
Yes, you do.
This relationship is in the bin if your bf won't talk to you over a few pounds.
The rest? Therapy at least.
To be fair, I read it as him being upset that she lied to him. And I get that. If she's lying about something so relatively trivial, then what else is she lying to him about?
I'm sorry, but even if I lied to my husband about gaining 5 pounds, my husband wouldn't care. He definitely wouldn't be upset enough to not talk to me. That's not how I'm seeing this situation at all.8 -
So many red flags in the original post.
You should not be scared of your boyfriend for anything, especially not for gaining weight. 7 -
butterfli7o wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »EvgeniZyntx wrote: »SoCalMirna wrote: »My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful at work and I gained a few pounds. When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me, so I hid it from him, and thought "I can lose those pounds and get back on track without him knowing." 2 pounds turned to 4 pounds turned to 5-6. Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him. And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him to talk about why I gained the weight: work stress, weight loss stress, not caring about myself and putting others first. He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. Not sure what's going to happen. I guess I just need to dust myself of and try again, but ive been trying for 15 years. Maybe I need therapy...
Yes, you do.
This relationship is in the bin if your bf won't talk to you over a few pounds.
The rest? Therapy at least.
To be fair, I read it as him being upset that she lied to him. And I get that. If she's lying about something so relatively trivial, then what else is she lying to him about?
I'm sorry, but even if I lied to my husband about gaining 5 pounds, my husband wouldn't care. He definitely wouldn't be upset enough to not talk to me. That's not how I'm seeing this situation at all.
I know people for whom it *would* be a big deal to be lied to about it though. Know them very well. And her post gives me no reason to discount that this is a factor, perhaps even the most significant factor.
Why so much discounting my life experiences?1 -
jofjltncb6 wrote: »butterfli7o wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »EvgeniZyntx wrote: »SoCalMirna wrote: »My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful at work and I gained a few pounds. When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me, so I hid it from him, and thought "I can lose those pounds and get back on track without him knowing." 2 pounds turned to 4 pounds turned to 5-6. Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him. And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him to talk about why I gained the weight: work stress, weight loss stress, not caring about myself and putting others first. He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. Not sure what's going to happen. I guess I just need to dust myself of and try again, but ive been trying for 15 years. Maybe I need therapy...
Yes, you do.
This relationship is in the bin if your bf won't talk to you over a few pounds.
The rest? Therapy at least.
To be fair, I read it as him being upset that she lied to him. And I get that. If she's lying about something so relatively trivial, then what else is she lying to him about?
I'm sorry, but even if I lied to my husband about gaining 5 pounds, my husband wouldn't care. He definitely wouldn't be upset enough to not talk to me. That's not how I'm seeing this situation at all.
I know people for whom it *would* be a big deal to be lied to about it though. Know them very well. And her post gives me no reason to discount that this is a factor, perhaps even the most significant factor.
Why so much discounting my life experiences?
@butterfli7o
If Jof lied to me about his body fat, I'd be really pissed off.
It affect my goals and long term strategy.
Don't discount how lying can affect others.2 -
My husband is the only man that has ever known my weight. He knows my losses and gains. He wants me to be happy and healthy. Lying to him would be lying to myself. If your bf has issues with your weight that make you want to lie... That sucks. You shouldn't feel like you have to lie. The truth comes out eventually, and the lying is always worse than what you lied about.0
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You have got you a "good" one! Me too, I am very lucky. But I did kiss some frogs before I got him, I actually relate to exactly what is going on OP's story. And just like anything else, until you taste the good stuff, you really can't imagine that there is any better than what you've got.
I also wondered what were the consequences.. but just knowing that there were "any" consequences made me sad and cringe.
My husband is great. He is everything I said above and more, but I have had my share of relationships (of all kinds) with bad men too and I can related as well. Which is why I tried to paint is black and white and ask what he actually does to help her. Because in all of my bad relationships there was an intrinsic lack of trust because internally I knew something wasn't right. And if the OP is the black and white truth something is really, really wrong in their relationship. She doesn't trust him with her stress, her emotions, hell from her OP she knows that she can't even trust him to deal with her gaining 2lbs without her needing to seek emotional shelter or else she wouldn't have lied to him.1 -
jofjltncb6 wrote: »EvgeniZyntx wrote: »SoCalMirna wrote: »My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful at work and I gained a few pounds. When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me, so I hid it from him, and thought "I can lose those pounds and get back on track without him knowing." 2 pounds turned to 4 pounds turned to 5-6. Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him. And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him to talk about why I gained the weight: work stress, weight loss stress, not caring about myself and putting others first. He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. Not sure what's going to happen. I guess I just need to dust myself of and try again, but ive been trying for 15 years. Maybe I need therapy...
Yes, you do.
This relationship is in the bin if your bf won't talk to you over a few pounds.
The rest? Therapy at least.
To be fair, I read it as him being upset that she lied to him. And I get that. If she's lying about something so relatively trivial, then what else is she lying to him about?
"When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me"
"Finally he had me weigh in in front of him"
"He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours"
I agree that lying is not a good idea in a relationship; however, that he's giving her the silent treatment (whether due to lying, weight gain, and/or both) is immature. That he's so invested in her weight loss that he gets "mad" if she doesn't lose and made her weigh in front of him? At best, he's immature. At worst, he's abusive. We can only give advice based on what she tells us since her BF isn't on here to give his side (I'm assuming).4 -
EvgeniZyntx wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »butterfli7o wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »EvgeniZyntx wrote: »SoCalMirna wrote: »My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful at work and I gained a few pounds. When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me, so I hid it from him, and thought "I can lose those pounds and get back on track without him knowing." 2 pounds turned to 4 pounds turned to 5-6. Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him. And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him to talk about why I gained the weight: work stress, weight loss stress, not caring about myself and putting others first. He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. Not sure what's going to happen. I guess I just need to dust myself of and try again, but ive been trying for 15 years. Maybe I need therapy...
Yes, you do.
This relationship is in the bin if your bf won't talk to you over a few pounds.
The rest? Therapy at least.
To be fair, I read it as him being upset that she lied to him. And I get that. If she's lying about something so relatively trivial, then what else is she lying to him about?
I'm sorry, but even if I lied to my husband about gaining 5 pounds, my husband wouldn't care. He definitely wouldn't be upset enough to not talk to me. That's not how I'm seeing this situation at all.
I know people for whom it *would* be a big deal to be lied to about it though. Know them very well. And her post gives me no reason to discount that this is a factor, perhaps even the most significant factor.
Why so much discounting my life experiences?
@butterfli7o
If Jof lied to me about his body fat, I'd be really pissed off.
It affect my goals and long term strategy.
Don't discount how lying can affect others.17.5%
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I really can't even categorize someone not telling their partner they gained weight as "lying". There is zero reason for him to be mad and not talking to the OP about this, either the weight or the "lying" about it. Even based on this short post he seems overly invested in her weight.
There's a huge difference between someone being supportive of their partner's weight loss efforts and them being involved in it to the extent he seems to be. There is nothing supportive about that and it seems incredibly negative.4 -
Wow people are making Sooooooo many assumption's here.
I have no idea what their relationship is like, is the boyfriend a bad guy? Abusive?? none but the OP know that.
Some people just keep secrets! its just as easy for the boyfriend to be a lovely and supportive man. Perhaps the OP has trust issues, perhaps she's had BF's who have let her down, perhaps she simply feels guilty for letting herself down.
Yes she deserves to be in a loving relationship where she can be open and honest, but we should shouldn't decide the BF is a bad guy because she can't do that. Or because he got upset about being lied too... perhaps this is one of many situations she's lied or perhaps he feels hurt she couldn't be honest, because he thought she could tell him anything.
We simply do not have enough information from a paragraph of information.
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WickedPineapple wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »EvgeniZyntx wrote: »SoCalMirna wrote: »My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful at work and I gained a few pounds. When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me, so I hid it from him, and thought "I can lose those pounds and get back on track without him knowing." 2 pounds turned to 4 pounds turned to 5-6. Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him. And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him to talk about why I gained the weight: work stress, weight loss stress, not caring about myself and putting others first. He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. Not sure what's going to happen. I guess I just need to dust myself of and try again, but ive been trying for 15 years. Maybe I need therapy...
Yes, you do.
This relationship is in the bin if your bf won't talk to you over a few pounds.
The rest? Therapy at least.
To be fair, I read it as him being upset that she lied to him. And I get that. If she's lying about something so relatively trivial, then what else is she lying to him about?
"When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me"
"Finally he had me weigh in in front of him"
"He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours"
I agree that lying is not a good idea in a relationship; however, that he's giving her the silent treatment (whether due to lying, weight gain, and/or both) is immature. That he's so invested in her weight loss that he gets "mad" if she doesn't lose and made her weigh in front of him? At best, he's immature. At worst, he's abusive. We can only give advice based on what she tells us since her BF isn't on here to give his side (I'm assuming).
Fair point.
I mean, I'm not saying this guy isn't an asshat. He may be. I'm just offering some balance to the usual cries of "crucify him!".
We can all agree that, regardless of the specific reasons, their relationship needs some work.5 -
jofjltncb6 wrote: »EvgeniZyntx wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »butterfli7o wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »EvgeniZyntx wrote: »SoCalMirna wrote: »My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful at work and I gained a few pounds. When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me, so I hid it from him, and thought "I can lose those pounds and get back on track without him knowing." 2 pounds turned to 4 pounds turned to 5-6. Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him. And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him to talk about why I gained the weight: work stress, weight loss stress, not caring about myself and putting others first. He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. Not sure what's going to happen. I guess I just need to dust myself of and try again, but ive been trying for 15 years. Maybe I need therapy...
Yes, you do.
This relationship is in the bin if your bf won't talk to you over a few pounds.
The rest? Therapy at least.
To be fair, I read it as him being upset that she lied to him. And I get that. If she's lying about something so relatively trivial, then what else is she lying to him about?
I'm sorry, but even if I lied to my husband about gaining 5 pounds, my husband wouldn't care. He definitely wouldn't be upset enough to not talk to me. That's not how I'm seeing this situation at all.
I know people for whom it *would* be a big deal to be lied to about it though. Know them very well. And her post gives me no reason to discount that this is a factor, perhaps even the most significant factor.
Why so much discounting my life experiences?
@butterfli7o
If Jof lied to me about his body fat, I'd be really pissed off.
It affect my goals and long term strategy.
Don't discount how lying can affect others.17.5%
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jofjltncb6 wrote: »WickedPineapple wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »EvgeniZyntx wrote: »SoCalMirna wrote: »My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful at work and I gained a few pounds. When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me, so I hid it from him, and thought "I can lose those pounds and get back on track without him knowing." 2 pounds turned to 4 pounds turned to 5-6. Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him. And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him to talk about why I gained the weight: work stress, weight loss stress, not caring about myself and putting others first. He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. Not sure what's going to happen. I guess I just need to dust myself of and try again, but ive been trying for 15 years. Maybe I need therapy...
Yes, you do.
This relationship is in the bin if your bf won't talk to you over a few pounds.
The rest? Therapy at least.
To be fair, I read it as him being upset that she lied to him. And I get that. If she's lying about something so relatively trivial, then what else is she lying to him about?
"When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me"
"Finally he had me weigh in in front of him"
"He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours"
I agree that lying is not a good idea in a relationship; however, that he's giving her the silent treatment (whether due to lying, weight gain, and/or both) is immature. That he's so invested in her weight loss that he gets "mad" if she doesn't lose and made her weigh in front of him? At best, he's immature. At worst, he's abusive. We can only give advice based on what she tells us since her BF isn't on here to give his side (I'm assuming).
Fair point.
I mean, I'm not saying this guy isn't an asshat. He may be. I'm just offering some balance to the usual cries of "crucify him!".
We can all agree that, regardless of the specific reasons, their relationship needs some work.
Agreed and that's why I responded how I did. Regardless of why he is upset, I don't see wanting to stick in a relationship where one feels the need to lie. If it's because he'll react badly to the truth, then he's not somebody to stick with. If it's because the OP is a habitual liar for no reason at all, then she should let the guy go so he can find somebody better to date. If you don't want to let go, then try working on it, but lying, even over a stupid thing like a few pounds, is a big red flag that something is out of whack, possibly farther than can be put back into whack.0 -
A man who truly loves you wont care what you weight!! My parents have been happily married for 31 years and my mom was a size 8 when they first married. Over the years she became a size 18 and my dad couldn't give a flying fart. I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship, and honey,it only gets worse!! ANYONE that makes you feel this way you need to remove from your life.2
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EvgeniZyntx wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »EvgeniZyntx wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »butterfli7o wrote: »jofjltncb6 wrote: »EvgeniZyntx wrote: »SoCalMirna wrote: »My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful at work and I gained a few pounds. When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me, so I hid it from him, and thought "I can lose those pounds and get back on track without him knowing." 2 pounds turned to 4 pounds turned to 5-6. Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him. And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him to talk about why I gained the weight: work stress, weight loss stress, not caring about myself and putting others first. He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. Not sure what's going to happen. I guess I just need to dust myself of and try again, but ive been trying for 15 years. Maybe I need therapy...
Yes, you do.
This relationship is in the bin if your bf won't talk to you over a few pounds.
The rest? Therapy at least.
To be fair, I read it as him being upset that she lied to him. And I get that. If she's lying about something so relatively trivial, then what else is she lying to him about?
I'm sorry, but even if I lied to my husband about gaining 5 pounds, my husband wouldn't care. He definitely wouldn't be upset enough to not talk to me. That's not how I'm seeing this situation at all.
I know people for whom it *would* be a big deal to be lied to about it though. Know them very well. And her post gives me no reason to discount that this is a factor, perhaps even the most significant factor.
Why so much discounting my life experiences?
@butterfli7o
If Jof lied to me about his body fat, I'd be really pissed off.
It affect my goals and long term strategy.
Don't discount how lying can affect others.17.5%
0
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