Gained Weight and Lied to BF About It

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  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
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    Is this real life?
  • MalcolmX1983
    MalcolmX1983 Posts: 214 Member
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    randomtai wrote: »
    Is this real life?

    I know men and women who have been in relationships like this and worse, it's a reality for many.
  • randomtai
    randomtai Posts: 9,003 Member
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    MalcolmX1983 wrote: »
    randomtai wrote: »
    Is this real life?

    I know men and women who have been in relationships like this and worse, it's a reality for many.

    That's sad.
  • BekahC1980
    BekahC1980 Posts: 474 Member
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    Honey I haven't read any of the comments but I wanted to say be thankful he's gone. What he is doing now will ONLY get worse, trust me! I have been in your shoes.
  • BABetter1
    BABetter1 Posts: 618 Member
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    BekahC1980 wrote: »
    Honey I haven't read any of the comments but I wanted to say be thankful he's gone. What he is doing now will ONLY get worse, trust me! I have been in your shoes.

    Unfortunately OP didn't say he was gone. She said he hasn't spoken to her in over 24 hours.
  • cnbbnc
    cnbbnc Posts: 1,267 Member
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    jofjltncb6 wrote: »
    amyrebeccah wrote: »
    One thing to consider is that a lot of this false equivalency being thrown around (yeah, he's bad, but you know she lied, so they're both at fault) is a common tool used by abusers to justify their behavior.

    Is this guy abusive? I don't know for sure. But let's examine why someone would feel like they needed to lie. Let's examine someone who could or would force their partner to weigh themselves in front of them to check.

    It's also a popular discussion technique when presented with minimal facts which are necessarily biased because it's one short written account of one party. It seems a bit of a stretch to imply that it's a defense of an abuser.

    But sure, let me read from the forum script for appropriate responses:

    Forget about losing weight, lose your boyfriend/husband/family member instead. You're too good for him. He doesn't deserve you. You're 100% correct and he is 100% wrong. Get out now.

    I mean, that may be the right answer here. But to suggest that it's always the right answer because to consider any other perspective is like being an a user is disingenuous at best.

    No...you're right that it's not always the correct answer, and...the discussion is one sided. But the fact that she is hesitant to fess up for fear of being humiliated by having to stand on a scale under supervision, and nervous about his reactions, which...judging by the silence she's been awarded with doesn't seem too far off the mark, it's safe to make some assumptions.

    It was wrong to lie about what was going on, sure. But c'mon. Who makes anyone stand on a scale and answer for it? Have you?

  • BekahC1980
    BekahC1980 Posts: 474 Member
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    BABetter1 wrote: »
    BekahC1980 wrote: »
    Honey I haven't read any of the comments but I wanted to say be thankful he's gone. What he is doing now will ONLY get worse, trust me! I have been in your shoes.

    Unfortunately OP didn't say he was gone. She said he hasn't spoken to her in over 24 hours.
    Well forgive me mister or miss police. Damn
  • jammer1963
    jammer1963 Posts: 106 Member
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    SoCalMirna wrote: »
    My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful at work and I gained a few pounds. When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me, so I hid it from him, and thought "I can lose those pounds and get back on track without him knowing." 2 pounds turned to 4 pounds turned to 5-6. Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him. And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him to talk about why I gained the weight: work stress, weight loss stress, not caring about myself and putting others first. He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. Not sure what's going to happen. I guess I just need to dust myself of and try again, but ive been trying for 15 years. Maybe I need therapy...

    Geesh, is he THAT shallow? You don't need therapy, your BF does. Don't have such low esteem and lose the weight because YOU want to, not to please him.
  • amusedmonkey
    amusedmonkey Posts: 10,330 Member
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    butterfli7o wrote: »
    jofjltncb6 wrote: »
    EvgeniZyntx wrote: »
    SoCalMirna wrote: »
    My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful at work and I gained a few pounds. When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me, so I hid it from him, and thought "I can lose those pounds and get back on track without him knowing." 2 pounds turned to 4 pounds turned to 5-6. Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him. And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him to talk about why I gained the weight: work stress, weight loss stress, not caring about myself and putting others first. He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. Not sure what's going to happen. I guess I just need to dust myself of and try again, but ive been trying for 15 years. Maybe I need therapy...

    Yes, you do.
    This relationship is in the bin if your bf won't talk to you over a few pounds.
    The rest? Therapy at least.

    To be fair, I read it as him being upset that she lied to him. And I get that. If she's lying about something so relatively trivial, then what else is she lying to him about?

    I'm sorry, but even if I lied to my husband about gaining 5 pounds, my husband wouldn't care. He definitely wouldn't be upset enough to not talk to me. That's not how I'm seeing this situation at all.

    The thing is, we are only seeing one side of the story and even that is unclear. What if lying is an ongoing issue and this was the straw? What if there is more to the story? What if there was some sort of "emotional vampirism" attached to the weight loss attempt where he finally cracked? What if there was a two-way emotional abuse in this relationship because two people are simply not compatible? What if OP's perspective on the situation is a bit distorted due to being upset or stressed affecting the kinds of words used in the post? What if she is catastrophizing and he simply got busy with something, lost his phone, or had some sort of emergency situation that distracted him from replying? So many what if's that it's hard to make an accurate assessment of the situation or the relationship.

    I'm amazed how quick people are here to recommend breakups for the slightest relationship hiccup.

    OP, dust yourself off and start over regardless if he will or will not talk to you. Regardless of where your relationship is heading. You are trying to lose weight for yourself. Narrowing your vision and focusing on self improvement may actually take your mind off other things that may be causing you distress. If you feel you are unable to handle it on your own need therapy, there is no shame in that. Taking care of your body is important, but taking care of your mind should not be put on the backburner.
  • jofjltncb6
    jofjltncb6 Posts: 34,415 Member
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    amyrebeccah wrote: »
    jofjltncb6 wrote: »
    amyrebeccah wrote: »
    One thing to consider is that a lot of this false equivalency being thrown around (yeah, he's bad, but you know she lied, so they're both at fault) is a common tool used by abusers to justify their behavior.

    Is this guy abusive? I don't know for sure. But let's examine why someone would feel like they needed to lie. Let's examine someone who could or would force their partner to weigh themselves in front of them to check.

    It's also a popular discussion technique when presented with minimal facts which are necessarily biased because it's one short written account of one party. It seems a bit of a stretch to imply that it's a defense of an abuser.

    But sure, let me read from the forum script for appropriate responses:

    Forget about losing weight, lose your boyfriend/husband/family member instead. You're too good for him. He doesn't deserve you. You're 100% correct and he is 100% wrong. Get out now.

    I mean, that may be the right answer here. But to suggest that it's always the right answer because to consider any other perspective is like being an a user is disingenuous at best.

    Mischaracterizing other people's responses is also called a straw man. You sure kicked that straw man's *kitten*, didn't you?

    I did? Just me?

    Your own bias is showing.
  • jofjltncb6
    jofjltncb6 Posts: 34,415 Member
    edited May 2016
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    amusedmonkey wrote: »
    butterfli7o wrote: »
    jofjltncb6 wrote: »
    EvgeniZyntx wrote: »
    SoCalMirna wrote: »
    My BF and I have been working since February to help me lose weight, and overall I had lost about 10 pounds. The last few weeks have been extremely stressful at work and I gained a few pounds. When I weighed myself I was so scared because I knew my BF would be mad at me, so I hid it from him, and thought "I can lose those pounds and get back on track without him knowing." 2 pounds turned to 4 pounds turned to 5-6. Finally he had me weigh in in front of him and found out I lied to him. And it's sad, because the only reason I lied is because I don't trust him to talk about why I gained the weight: work stress, weight loss stress, not caring about myself and putting others first. He has not spoken to me in over 24 hours. Not sure what's going to happen. I guess I just need to dust myself of and try again, but ive been trying for 15 years. Maybe I need therapy...

    Yes, you do.
    This relationship is in the bin if your bf won't talk to you over a few pounds.
    The rest? Therapy at least.

    To be fair, I read it as him being upset that she lied to him. And I get that. If she's lying about something so relatively trivial, then what else is she lying to him about?

    I'm sorry, but even if I lied to my husband about gaining 5 pounds, my husband wouldn't care. He definitely wouldn't be upset enough to not talk to me. That's not how I'm seeing this situation at all.

    The thing is, we are only seeing one side of the story and even that is unclear. What if lying is an ongoing issue and this was the straw? What if there is more to the story? What if there was some sort of "emotional vampirism" attached to the weight loss attempt where he finally cracked? What if there was a two-way emotional abuse in this relationship because two people are simply not compatible? What if OP's perspective on the situation is a bit distorted due to being upset or stressed affecting the kinds of words used in the post? What if she is catastrophizing and he simply got busy with something, lost his phone, or had some sort of emergency situation that distracted him from replying? So many what if's that it's hard to make an accurate assessment of the situation or the relationship.

    I'm amazed how quick people are here to recommend breakups for the slightest relationship hiccup.

    OP, dust yourself off and start over regardless if he will or will not talk to you. Regardless of where your relationship is heading. You are trying to lose weight for yourself. Narrowing your vision and focusing on self improvement may actually take your mind off other things that may be causing you distress. If you feel you are unable to handle it on your own need therapy, there is no shame in that. Taking care of your body is important, but taking care of your mind should not be put on the backburner.

    Careful. You're walking a dangerous path.

    (But I'm glad you are. I was getting lonely.)

    Wait. I mean, CRUCIFY HIM! HE DOESN'T DESERVE YOU!!! HE'S A PUPPY-KICKING SADIST AND YOU'RE A SAINT!!!

    *rabble* *rabble* *rabble*
    (And for the record, I'm on team "they need counseling to try to work through what is an obvious relationship issue that is likely a symptom of deeper problem and it may conclude with them deciding to go their separate ways"...but just not yet ready to pick up a pitchfork or torch.)
  • jofjltncb6
    jofjltncb6 Posts: 34,415 Member
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    mangamadayan wrote: »
    This is not a minor relationship hiccup. If you come on here and defend the guy, it sort of appears that you kind of empathize with him because you may be inclined to the same behaviour should the same/similar situation arise.

    Some men are not men. They are just beta manlets thrusting their insecurities on their spouses. The women should just pack up and leave, but that they do not and there is no end to this cycle.

    I suppose one could make that leap of a conclusion if they were unable to comprehend the many possible scenarios. It's certainly the easiest and most popular approach and will make others in here happy. Perhaps you just lack the courage to consider any other possibility. I can't really blame you. The arrows do sting a little.
  • jofjltncb6
    jofjltncb6 Posts: 34,415 Member
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    amyrebeccah wrote: »
    jofjltncb6 wrote: »
    mangamadayan wrote: »
    This is not a minor relationship hiccup. If you come on here and defend the guy, it sort of appears that you kind of empathize with him because you may be inclined to the same behaviour should the same/similar situation arise.

    Some men are not men. They are just beta manlets thrusting their insecurities on their spouses. The women should just pack up and leave, but that they do not and there is no end to this cycle.

    I suppose one could make that leap of a conclusion if they were unable to comprehend the many possible scenarios. It's certainly the easiest and most popular approach and will make others in here happy. Perhaps you just lack the courage to consider any other possibility. I can't really blame you. The arrows do sting a little.


    Where do I send you your medal for rationalizing forcing someone to weigh themselves in front of other people and refusing to speak to them for 24 hours for not being truthful about their weight? I mean, by searching and searching and SEARCHING for any potential reasonable explanation for this behavior, you're showing me the true meaning of courage right here, right now.

    Sweet! I like medals!

    I also like to entertain plausible scenarios for the party not represented. It's the same character flaw that also compels me to defend others even when it isn't popular*. You don't...and that's okay. We all have our roles to play.


    (*and let's be clear here. I'm not defending this guy. I don't have enough information to do that. I'm simply offering a minority opinion that perhaps...PERHAPS...the true situation here isn't as sinister as the majority has concluded it to be.)
  • stephanieluvspb
    stephanieluvspb Posts: 997 Member
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    MalcolmX1983 wrote: »
    You folks need to let it go man, just agree to disagree or toss a coin or something.



    Op, start lifting weights and get strong.
    Next time your bf tells you to do anything, grab his neck and feet, then proceed to deadlift him for reps.

    lol, best advise of the day!!
  • amusedmonkey
    amusedmonkey Posts: 10,330 Member
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    amyrebeccah wrote: »
    jofjltncb6 wrote: »
    mangamadayan wrote: »
    This is not a minor relationship hiccup. If you come on here and defend the guy, it sort of appears that you kind of empathize with him because you may be inclined to the same behaviour should the same/similar situation arise.

    Some men are not men. They are just beta manlets thrusting their insecurities on their spouses. The women should just pack up and leave, but that they do not and there is no end to this cycle.

    I suppose one could make that leap of a conclusion if they were unable to comprehend the many possible scenarios. It's certainly the easiest and most popular approach and will make others in here happy. Perhaps you just lack the courage to consider any other possibility. I can't really blame you. The arrows do sting a little.


    Where do I send you your medal for rationalizing forcing someone to weigh themselves in front of other people and refusing to speak to them for 24 hours for not being truthful about their weight? I mean, by searching and searching and SEARCHING for any potential reasonable explanation for this behavior, you're showing me the true meaning of courage right here, right now.

    I have a friend whose whole world gets distorted when she is upset, to the point where "come on, don't be like that" turns into "he is not accepting me for who I am and is trying to change me forcefully". When she starts talking to me about some issue they are having I simply listen and offer a shoulder without making any judgement calls because I know how she gets. Even if I didn't it's not my place to offer life altering advice.

    The funny thing is a couple of days later she and her husband are like the perfect lovebirds. They're one of the happiest couples I know who know each other's quirks and patiently tolerate them, including her overreaction.
  • amusedmonkey
    amusedmonkey Posts: 10,330 Member
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    jofjltncb6 wrote: »
    amyrebeccah wrote: »
    jofjltncb6 wrote: »
    mangamadayan wrote: »
    This is not a minor relationship hiccup. If you come on here and defend the guy, it sort of appears that you kind of empathize with him because you may be inclined to the same behaviour should the same/similar situation arise.

    Some men are not men. They are just beta manlets thrusting their insecurities on their spouses. The women should just pack up and leave, but that they do not and there is no end to this cycle.

    I suppose one could make that leap of a conclusion if they were unable to comprehend the many possible scenarios. It's certainly the easiest and most popular approach and will make others in here happy. Perhaps you just lack the courage to consider any other possibility. I can't really blame you. The arrows do sting a little.


    Where do I send you your medal for rationalizing forcing someone to weigh themselves in front of other people and refusing to speak to them for 24 hours for not being truthful about their weight? I mean, by searching and searching and SEARCHING for any potential reasonable explanation for this behavior, you're showing me the true meaning of courage right here, right now.

    Sweet! I like medals!

    I also like to entertain plausible scenarios for the party not represented. It's the same character flaw that also compels me to defend others even when it isn't popular*. You don't...and that's okay. We all have our roles to play.


    (*and let's be clear here. I'm not defending this guy. I don't have enough information to do that. I'm simply offering a minority opinion that perhaps...PERHAPS...the true situation here isn't as sinister as the majority has concluded it to be.)

    That personal attack was directed at me. He used a term I used to make it clear. Don't feel the need to reply to that.
  • jofjltncb6
    jofjltncb6 Posts: 34,415 Member
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    amyrebeccah wrote: »
    jofjltncb6 wrote: »
    amyrebeccah wrote: »
    jofjltncb6 wrote: »
    mangamadayan wrote: »
    This is not a minor relationship hiccup. If you come on here and defend the guy, it sort of appears that you kind of empathize with him because you may be inclined to the same behaviour should the same/similar situation arise.

    Some men are not men. They are just beta manlets thrusting their insecurities on their spouses. The women should just pack up and leave, but that they do not and there is no end to this cycle.

    I suppose one could make that leap of a conclusion if they were unable to comprehend the many possible scenarios. It's certainly the easiest and most popular approach and will make others in here happy. Perhaps you just lack the courage to consider any other possibility. I can't really blame you. The arrows do sting a little.


    Where do I send you your medal for rationalizing forcing someone to weigh themselves in front of other people and refusing to speak to them for 24 hours for not being truthful about their weight? I mean, by searching and searching and SEARCHING for any potential reasonable explanation for this behavior, you're showing me the true meaning of courage right here, right now.

    Sweet! I like medals!

    I also like to entertain plausible scenarios for the party not represented. It's the same character flaw that also compels me to defend others even when it isn't popular*. You don't...and that's okay. We all have our roles to play.


    (*and let's be clear here. I'm not defending this guy. I don't have enough information to do that. I'm simply offering a minority opinion that perhaps...PERHAPS...the true situation here isn't as sinister as the majority has concluded it to be.)

    I actually spend the majority of my life doing exactly that. It is not only what I do for a living, it is what i consider my life's calling. I certainly wouldn't call what I do courageous, although it's a hell of a lot harder in real life than "yes, but" ing on some message boards. I certainly wouldn't imply someone was a coward for not doing it, either.

    The issue is simple. You can entertain plausible alternative scenarios (although you have acknowledged that anything you could possibly think of would be a wild-*kitten* guess). Others on this board do not think there are plausible alternative scenarios. That doesn't make them irrational, or cowardly. And it doesn't make you white-knighting for this random dude brave or somehow more intellectually honest than them.

    If anyone needs me, I'll be over here in the internet corner licking my internet wounds from that internet beat-down.

    *sob*



    (PS: I bet your internet armor shimmers so brightly that others can't even look at it directly.)

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