I have an (almost) obese brother & need advice!

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st476
st476 Posts: 357 Member
First things first, I know that nobody on here is going to give dieting advice for a 11 year old kid. I'm not looking for dieting advice, but just help with what I can do to get through to my family.

This is long, but here's just some background:
My brother is 11 years old, 4'10 and 140 pounds. His BMI right now is 29.2 (so at the very top of the overweight category) and only 5 pounds away from obesity. Since I've been losing weight, my entire family has been putting it on me to get him to lose weight. I don't want to put a little kid on a low calorie diet exactly, so I've just been giving him meals such as...
Breakfast: Apple, egg whites (he doesn't like the yolk)
Snack: 100 cal pack of popcorn
Lunch: Grilled chicken breast 5oz, vegetables, and a serving of whole wheat pasta
Snack: Banana/granola bar
Dinner: Salmon, brown rice and vegetables
And maybe another "healthy" snack.

I don't count calories for him, but that should be around 1500-1600 if I had to guess. He's never hungry when I feed him meals like this, and sometimes doesn't even finish his meals. This should be a good amount for him to lose a little weight or at least not gain any as he's getting older.

My mom is in the obese category and doesn't know a single thing about nutrition or losing weight (she thinks diet pills work, and that undercooked pasta has zero calories). I told her what to feed him and she stuck with it for a couple days. I'm trying to get him to eat mostly nutritious food because since he's really young I think it would benefit him to get used to eating food like this.

So far, it's only been a week. I've noticed wrappers for crackers laying around (2, so 500 calories) but he says he only ate one from the pack. He always lies or underestimates how much he eats (which is how got so big in the first place) so I don't think that's true. My mom allows him to eat it because I guess she doesn't realize a couple things here and there add up QUICKLY. Today, she gave him a microwaveable corndog for breakfast. It's only been a week but I can already see the entire plan that we had slowly falling apart and this is the 5th time at least that my mom was on board with him eating less/healthier but then gets too lazy and just gives him other things. How can she be too lazy when her child is almost obese and already at risk for health problems.

I'm only home for the summer, so when I'm not around to talk to my mom about it every single day (since once isn't enough. she constantly needs to be reminded) I know he's gonna go back to his old habits.

My mom wanted to take him to a nutritionist but my brother is extremely picky with food (doesn't like any sauces, doesn't like yolks, doesn't like cheese or sandwiches or burgers or anything except the most plain food. He got fat off of McDonald's McNuggets, multiple bowls of pasta with butter, fried chicken, French fries and constant snacking on chips/chocolate). Also, most days he just sits on Xbox all day long and doesn't move much. The only exercise he does is going on a 15 minute bike ride maybe twice a week (only on his bike downhill and slowly carrying it up when going uphill) and swimming practice for an hour on Saturday. Not even every Saturday either. My mom said that when her friend took her child to the nutritionist/dietician, they gave her a meal plan consisting of things like mushroom soup which my brother wouldn't put in his mouth in a million years. I don't want him to be miserable while eating healthy.

So basically, I'm just not sure what to do. Sorry this is so long.
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Replies

  • elphie754
    elphie754 Posts: 7,574 Member
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    If you are not his parent or guardian, then it really is not your business and you should not be controlling what he eats.

    His parent or guardian should take him to a pediatrician and possible a pediatric dietician. Growing children have specific needs and you could be doing more harm than good.
  • RicMackie
    RicMackie Posts: 42 Member
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    If he were an adult, I'd say that he won't change unless HE wants to. And since he's a kid, and you're not the parent, it's pretty much none of your business. But...you should still make sure both parents know. But it's a fine line between you being a nosy person, and a genuinely concerned friend (in your friend's eyes). So, pick a good time, be straight and objective, and be very very sensitive that your friend may be dying inside trying to figure out how to deal with the problem. Don't go to your friend with the observation. Go with some offers to help however you can and give some ideas. But, be prepared to lose a friend over it, at least temporarily. Bottom line - it's none of your business. But, if the kid cannot be responsible for himself, he's still a kid - so you need to tell the parents. Ugh.
  • st476
    st476 Posts: 357 Member
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    His parents aren't supportive, your plan for him doesn't include the foods he regularly eats and enjoys, he's already sneaking food, and you are only there for a bit longer. I'm not sure there is anything you *can* do, to be honest.

    I would try really hard not to set up a situation where he feels like he has to lie or feel guilty about what he is eating. That can set up a dynamic that can hurt him for decades. Why not cook him meals if you're inclined to do so, listen to him if he wants to talk, and focus on being the type of sister that he will feel free to approach when he is ready to lose weight?

    I have two brothers that used to be overweight. As they got older, they both took steps to become more active and change their diets when it became important to them. Fortunately, they never felt like they had to sneak food or feel shame around their diet, so they didn't have a lot of emotional issues attached to food. Now they've both been in a healthy weight range for years.

    I'm not saying that this will happen for your brother, but I think the odds of it happening are better if you don't try to make him change right now. You say he's never hungry on what you feed him, but he's sneaking food? Either he *is* hungry and doesn't want you to know or something else is going on. I would focus on your relationship right now, not on getting him to lose weight over the limited time you are home.
    I do cook his meals now, but sometimes my mom makes him breakfast if I'm still sleeping or she makes him dinner if I'm not home or something. I know he's not hungry because he tells me he's not but its not about hunger, snacks just taste good which is why he sneaks them around. He IS ready to lose weight, he told me he wants to. Before his graduation, he was worried about being the fattest person in his row for days. And he approaches me with everything, we're extremely close. I'm not sure how much he lies about what he eats now, but I know before I tried to get him healthier he constantly lied about what he was eating because he knew he was eating too much and didn't want to admit it to himself. It's sad that he's a 11 year old who is scared to have his picture taken and he's already so self conscious.

  • RicMackie
    RicMackie Posts: 42 Member
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    RicMackie wrote: »
    If he were an adult, I'd say that he won't change unless HE wants to. And since he's a kid, and you're not the parent, it's pretty much none of your business. But...you should still make sure both parents know. But it's a fine line between you being a nosy person, and a genuinely concerned friend (in your friend's eyes). So, pick a good time, be straight and objective, and be very very sensitive that your friend may be dying inside trying to figure out how to deal with the problem. Don't go to your friend with the observation. Go with some offers to help however you can and give some ideas. But, be prepared to lose a friend over it, at least temporarily. Bottom line - it's none of your business. But, if the kid cannot be responsible for himself, he's still a kid - so you need to tell the parents. Ugh.

    This isn't a friend. It's her younger brother.

    Missed that - damn, and I did read it (but obviously not closely enough). Answer is largely the same. Change "friend" to "sister". Not likely to lose a sister, but it may happen that the relationship suffers.
  • st476
    st476 Posts: 357 Member
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    st476 wrote: »
    elphie754 wrote: »
    If you are not his parent or guardian, then it really is not your business and you should not be controlling what he eats.

    His parent or guardian should take him to a pediatrician and possible a pediatric dietician. Growing children have specific needs and you could be doing more harm than good.
    It is my business. I'm his sister, and his parents put it on me to control what he eats. My mom knows she has no knowledge about nutrition because the only way she ever lose weight was by going on diets such as drinking only milk on Tuesdays (no food) and only vegetables on Wednesdays. It's completely my business. Or wait, should I just "mind my business" and let my brother get 200, 300, 400 pounds?

    And you're telling me giving him healthy food is doing more harm than letting him eat fried food and chips all day long? I'm not limiting his calories. I let him eat as much food as he needs to feel full. My mom refuses to take him to a health specialist.

    The expectations from your parents, that you parent your brother, aren't appropriate. It's okay for you to set boundaries and reject their inappropriate demands.

    Focus on how to be a good *sister* to your brother, not how to parent him. Just because your parents expect you to take over for them doesn't mean you have to.
    I know I don't have to but I want to. I know I won't help as much as a health specialist but I know I'll help a lot more than my mom will.
  • st476
    st476 Posts: 357 Member
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    I have an 11yo son.
    I would never expect him to diet right now, even if he was obese.
    You're not his parent, so it's not your responsibility like it's your parents.
    Play with him outside, get him to move. Offer to take him to the park, skatepark, pool. Help educate your parents on basic nutrition and explain calories.
    I know that as a parent, I buy and choose the food.
    First thing I would cut in my home? Juice, soda, anything like that. Water it is, and crystal light, or iced tea.
    Like, don't scare your brother in to thinking healthy eating is a life of no crackers and tons of mushroom soup.
    Maybe help divvy up snacks like crackers or chips into serving size bags, so everyone knows what a serving is.
    Add more fruit and veggies. Baby carrots? Cheap, crunchy, filling. Cut up cucumber with lemon and chile? Crunchy, tasty, easy.

    It's really unfair to buy tasty food, have it in the home, and tell someone that they are the only ones not allowed to eat it.
    Maybe also share with your parents the health risks of obesity.
    I know in my culture, fat kids are just kids who have healthy appetites and it's not considered a thing to worry about. But explain early infertility, diabetes, heart issues, etc., and how they are all related to weight - and you get a bit of response.
    He doesn't like juice and soda anyways. He only drinks water and crystal light because that's what he likes. He eats baby carrots and things like that. I do give him things he likes for snacks in moderation. I'm not putting him on a strict diet, plus he even told me himself that he likes what I make him for lunch and breakfast and dinner. He said salmon was his new favorite food now. He said he likes it more than when my mom made him fried chicken for lunch. I go on walks with him when I can.
  • janejellyroll
    janejellyroll Posts: 25,763 Member
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    st476 wrote: »
    First things first, I know that nobody on here is going to give dieting advice for a 11 year old kid. I'm not looking for dieting advice, but just help with what I can do to get through to my family.

    This is long, but here's just some background:
    My brother is 11 years old, 4'10 and 140 pounds. His BMI right now is 29.2 (so at the very top of the overweight category) and only 5 pounds away from obesity. Since I've been losing weight, my entire family has been putting it on me to get him to lose weight. I don't want to put a little kid on a low calorie diet exactly, so I've just been giving him meals such as...
    Breakfast: Apple, egg whites (he doesn't like the yolk)
    Snack: 100 cal pack of popcorn
    Lunch: Grilled chicken breast 5oz, vegetables, and a serving of whole wheat pasta
    Snack: Banana/granola bar
    Dinner: Salmon, brown rice and vegetables
    And maybe another "healthy" snack.

    This sample menu screams "diet" and "deprivation" - which is hard enough on a grown adult, much less on a kid. 11 year old is still growing, so he probably shouldn't be cutting calories as sharply as an adult. In addition, emphasis should be more on learning portion sizes and the concept of "always/sometimes/rarely" foods. With that said - I agree with an earlier poster that this is something that should be handled more by your parents, and possibly professionals (doctor/pediatrician and possibly a dietician).

    Yeah, I'm a highly motivated adult and this menu would have be feeling sad and deprived. It's a big leap for a growing child who is used to things like pasta and fried chicken.