I have an (almost) obese brother & need advice!
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janejellyroll wrote: »The expectations from your parents, that you parent your brother, aren't appropriate. It's okay for you to set boundaries and reject their inappropriate demands.
Focus on how to be a good *sister* to your brother, not how to parent him. Just because your parents expect you to take over for them doesn't mean you have to.
Wow. That is an incredibly off-base, rude and wrong response.
Brothers and Sisters play a huge role in development of their siblings. Pawning everything off to parents or doctors is just plain stupid. I emulated what my brothers did as a kid. Both good and bad. I wanted to be liked by them. Even when a brother or sister doesn't try to teach, they do.
Anyways, I don't think a calorie deficit is good for someone 11 years old - still growing. You need to teach him to eat the right kinds of foods, and to exercise. He doesn't need to lose weight quickly, it's not good for someone 11 years old, unless they are morbidly obese.
And he also has to WANT to do it. If he's addicted to his Xbox, or iPad, you need to tell your parents to see if they can limit his time, or to see if they can trade 1 hour of exercise outside for 1 hour of gaming. See if he wants to go out bike-riding somewhere with you.
It's tough. When I was a kid, I wasn't overweight, but I didn't like sports at all, just being on my computer and programming. Worked great to get a job later in life. It wasn't until about age 13 that I loved sports.
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I really wish everyone would stop being such jerks about her trying to help her brother. I am in a similar situation with my youngest sister who is 14 and obese. I don't live at home so I can't do anything about it. If she can/wants to help him then that is between her, her brother and her parents. Its non of your business is she helps him or not.
Talk to him, workout a meal plan that maybe includes more snacks. Build a grocery list for your mom. Show her the possibilities if this continues, maybe that will motivate her to be more helpful.4 -
Try using this to work out his caloric needs instead of just guessing. I used the info you posted and it came out at 2600 calories a day. Feeding him 1600 calories worth of plain chicken and some pasta might work for a little bit, but as someone who was obese as a child, it needs to be reasonable for long term. Instead of just feeding him, take him out. Go swimming with him EVERY weekend. Play basketball with him. Go on walks with him. Do fun stuff that has nothing to do with food, and then spend some time learning what a growing kid needs and how to portion control his favourite foods.
https://www.bcm.edu/cnrc-apps/bodycomp/energy/energyneeds_calculator.htm0 -
He doesn't finish it because vegetables as chicken and rice is extremely filling and he's either full or he can't wait to go back to his friends on Xbox. Yes it does include that stuff. And no, so far it hasn't included fast food because it's only been a week. I'm not going to go out of my way to get him fast food. I understand having fast food when we're going on a long drive and the only meal available is fast food or something like that, but otherwise I'm not going to get him fast food. But YES, I do let him have chocolate and a serving of pretzels/chips or whatever else.A lot of you are giving great advice (except the people saying it's my parents business and that his "diet" is too restrictive. I understand that but you guys need to understand my family is different from yours. My family is lazy and doesn't want to get involved with his health. And my brother isn't on a restrictive diet, because he honestly likes what he eats. You're just going to have to trust me on that one).
I don't really know what I was looking for. I've tried everything you guys have said and I know there's not much else to do, so thank you for the help. I'll schedule an appointment with the doctor and tell them straight up what my brother wouldn't eat if they try to give him a meal plan with things he doesn't like.
Your brother may like what he's eating.....but he sometimes doesn't finish meals. He sneaks snacks & lies to you about it. These are warning flags.
Does your meal plan EVER include a piece of candy? Does your meal plan EVER include a chip? Does your meal plan EVER include fast food?
Learning portion control for HIS favorite foods will give him tools to keep the weight off. Your radical menu is temporary. He may lose a few pounds, but will quickly gain them back when you go back to school.
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You're story keeps changing. First he is hiding food, now it is just he under estimates...
I get that you want to come off as this amazing person and likely looking for praise for your efforts. However, you are coming across as a know it all who can do no wrong when it comes to your brother. Sorry for the harsh reality, but you may be doing serious emotional and physical damage to him. You NEED to understand that.
I don't think she came across that way at all. She said underestimate/hide in the very first place. Don't put your stuff on her.7 -
Sounds like younger bro needs to get away from the X-Box and get outside and do some activities. That's always good for a young man, that will help with social skills and motivate him to want to do it more often. I can relate, I try to do some activity with my son as he's not at risk for being an over-weight kid, but he's gotten a little pot belly from staying at home with mom. So, we do an activity everyday for an hour. Even if that means going to the park, taking an hour long walk, which is a while for him, and or running around the parking lot of our complex. Kids need more activity especially if they've sought out refuge in their tv and gaming system.
Also, my son was a picky eater. He didn't always eat what we've cooked. But when he's hungry, he eats. So he's adapted. Kids learn to bounce back pretty well. Cut off that pasta and them nuggets and give him what he should be eating and he may nibble on it for a few days, but when he's hungry, he'll eat what you give him. It may take a while, but it's nothing short of possible.
A nutritionist would help, but it sounds like everyone needs to get involved. I had slightly overweight parents growing up and once my dad got sick our habits improved for the better. But it was a family effort and that's what caused all of us to lose weight.
Although it isn't your responsibility to make him lose weight, someone has to get the ball rolling. You can't do this by yourself, it has to be a group effort or else once you're gone to college, old habits will creep back in and all of your effort will be in vain. Make your parents take responsibility for their actions as well.
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I have one question for everyone. A lot of parents choose to feed their children mostly healthy food, or don't let them have fast food more than once a year and they're called amazing parents. I want my brother to eat MOSTLY healthy food (as much as he needs to feel full) and not eat fast food unless it's necessary and apparently that's wrong? I'm sure he likes the fried food more but what's so wrong with swapping that with healthier options? He is a CHILD after all. Children don't know better and people who supervise them are supposed to make sure they are given what's good for them. I don't think I should give him anything and everything he wants just because he wants it. Now that's not to say that he can't have a serving of chips or a serving of this and that, but I just don't understand what's so bad about not giving a kid McDonald's twice a week just because he wants it. As adults, I'm sure all of you would love to have fast food for every meal but sometimes it's just not the better option. A child can't make those decisions for himself.5
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Also, preparation for long trips will prevent fast food stops. Internet has lots of resources to help with food prep. You have to remove the excuses for him and everyone else, face the issues head on, care less the wants and focus more on the needs (easier said than done).0
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Yes, which is my parents fault. I'm 19, obviously I wasn't old enough his entire life to help him make those smarter decisions. I don't think it's too late now, he's 11. It's something he could get used to.I have one question for everyone. A lot of parents choose to feed their children mostly healthy food, or don't let them have fast food more than once a year and they're called amazing parents. I want my brother to eat MOSTLY healthy food (as much as he needs to feel full) and not eat fast food unless it's necessary and apparently that's wrong? I'm sure he likes the fried food more but what's so wrong with swapping that with healthier options? He is a CHILD after all. Children don't know better and people who supervise them are supposed to make sure they are given what's good for them. I don't think I should give him anything and everything he wants just because he wants it. Now that's not to say that he can't have a serving of chips or a serving of this and that, but I just don't understand what's so bad about not giving a kid McDonald's twice a week just because he wants it. As adults, I'm sure all of you would love to have fast food for every meal but sometimes it's just not the better option. A child can't make those decisions for himself.
Yeah, all that. But the kid's already fat. You can close the barn doors after the horses have run off but...
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OP, you want whats best for your brother,I get that. but there isnt much you can do unless you and your parents become a united front and you all have to do this together. you cant try and help him and then your parents(or his which has been said) let him do whatever and eat whatever. it has to be an understanding and effort on all parties. your brother may like your food but he also has to want to do this. he may say he wants to but in reality he may not want to put in the effort to do it. its hard when a kid is overweight. trust me my one sister was like this but all she wanted to do was eat junk food, she would even go to the store and steal it and my mother wouldnt do anything about it.
she tried to get me and my hubby to help,but when we would try she would get mad and go against everything we tried to do to help the situation. my sister is now 29 and obese and still eats like crap.(I was raised differently than my sister,my mom spoiled her because she had health issues as a kid-seizures,tourettes,etc). my point is we can try and do whats best for our siblings but if our parents arent willing to help then the effort is for nothing in most cases.I agree with him seeing a dr and possibly a dietitian. if he is sneaking food maybe there is another issue there as well? most kids that sneak food usually do it for a reason.There is some reason why he is doing it.you can talk to him about it,maybe he is truly hungry or maybe not. my daughter is extremely picky as well and she has never snuck food or felt the need to.The best thing I can recommend like everyone else has is to get him outside and find some fun things to do. he doesnt have to be an athletic person,but even long walks can help,go sight seeing,find hiking trails,get him interested in nature if you can. walk and talk about things,his day,etc. before he knows it the walk will be over and he has at least gotten some exercise in.0 -
I think your an awesome big sis for looking out for him, but I would talk to your parents about how the family as a whole can support one another in being healthier. He might also really like it if you get him outside and active, it could be a great way for you to hang out. Maybe take him on long bike rides or get all the other kids in the neighborhood together to play football or soccer?1
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So you're saying that I should just give up, let him do whatever he wants and watch him gain more and more and more weight?
Yes, which is my parents fault. I'm 19, obviously I wasn't old enough his entire life to help him make those smarter decisions. I don't think it's too late now, he's 11. It's something he could get used to.I have one question for everyone. A lot of parents choose to feed their children mostly healthy food, or don't let them have fast food more than once a year and they're called amazing parents. I want my brother to eat MOSTLY healthy food (as much as he needs to feel full) and not eat fast food unless it's necessary and apparently that's wrong? I'm sure he likes the fried food more but what's so wrong with swapping that with healthier options? He is a CHILD after all. Children don't know better and people who supervise them are supposed to make sure they are given what's good for them. I don't think I should give him anything and everything he wants just because he wants it. Now that's not to say that he can't have a serving of chips or a serving of this and that, but I just don't understand what's so bad about not giving a kid McDonald's twice a week just because he wants it. As adults, I'm sure all of you would love to have fast food for every meal but sometimes it's just not the better option. A child can't make those decisions for himself.
Yeah, all that. But the kid's already fat. You can close the barn doors after the horses have run off but...
I admire your optimism but I remember being 11 and living on Campbell's chicken noodle soup, Crackerjack, Fluffernutters, Ragu, spaghetti, Tang, Saltines, Count Chocula and ice cream cones. I wasn't fat and I don't know why. My sister ate the exact same food as me and she was fat. No one and nothing could pry that poison from us. We loved it and we lived for it. Your brother probably feels the same way, despite being overweight, sorry.0 -
My only expectation is for him to just not gain weight for now. Considering he's still young and doesn't make/buy his own food, I feel like that's achievable. I just want to make it as easy for him in the future as possible. There's a difference between being 200 pounds and 350 pounds when you're 21. I don't want him to start off at the worst point possible and make it hard for him in the future. Thanks though!
So you're saying that I should just give up, let him do whatever he wants and watch him gain more and more and more weight?
Yes, which is my parents fault. I'm 19, obviously I wasn't old enough his entire life to help him make those smarter decisions. I don't think it's too late now, he's 11. It's something he could get used to.I have one question for everyone. A lot of parents choose to feed their children mostly healthy food, or don't let them have fast food more than once a year and they're called amazing parents. I want my brother to eat MOSTLY healthy food (as much as he needs to feel full) and not eat fast food unless it's necessary and apparently that's wrong? I'm sure he likes the fried food more but what's so wrong with swapping that with healthier options? He is a CHILD after all. Children don't know better and people who supervise them are supposed to make sure they are given what's good for them. I don't think I should give him anything and everything he wants just because he wants it. Now that's not to say that he can't have a serving of chips or a serving of this and that, but I just don't understand what's so bad about not giving a kid McDonald's twice a week just because he wants it. As adults, I'm sure all of you would love to have fast food for every meal but sometimes it's just not the better option. A child can't make those decisions for himself.
Yeah, all that. But the kid's already fat. You can close the barn doors after the horses have run off but...
I admire your optimism but I remember being 11 and living on Campbell's chicken noodle soup, Crackerjack, Fluffernutters, Ragu, spaghetti, Tang, Saltines, Count Chocula and ice cream cones. I wasn't fat and I don't know why. My sister ate the exact same food as me and she was fat. No one and nothing could pry that poison from us. We loved it and we lived for it. Your brother probably feels the same way, despite being overweight, sorry.
No, just go into it with your eyes open and your expectations low. Do what you want to do, because clearly you feel morally obligated to and that's good. Just don't build castles in the sky, that's all. I wish him the best and you too in any event.0 -
For all the people saying to let the parents parent, this situation exists because they don't know how to parent.
@st476 your family needs professional help creating a plan and sticking to it. Try getting a referral to a dietitian (not a nutritionist) from your doctor. I think family therapy would be helpful as well. Your Mom agrees with you but then doesn't follow through - someone else needs to get through to her, especially since you are leaving at the end of the summer.
I greatly admire your intentions, but you don't have the authority, and soon will not have the availability, to do this on your own.2 -
OP, your efforts and desire to help are so commendable, they truly are! But you need to recognize how limited your position is. You are only there for a few months. During that time, keep being his friend and role model. That's excellent! Once you leave, keep close contact with your brother. Be his cheerleader, his sounding board, his shoulder to cry on, his confidant and his Dear Abby.
But it sounds like what really is needed is this: your parents need counseling. Your father is an alcoholic. Your mother sounds like an enabler. Your brother will never be their priority until that is addressed. Your mother is soothing her conscience by asking you to do her job. Try to encourage her to seek some support for herself. Your brother's weight seems like a symptom of the real problem.5 -
Yes, which is my parents fault. I'm 19, obviously I wasn't old enough his entire life to help him make those smarter decisions. I don't think it's too late now, he's 11. It's something he could get used to.I have one question for everyone. A lot of parents choose to feed their children mostly healthy food, or don't let them have fast food more than once a year and they're called amazing parents. I want my brother to eat MOSTLY healthy food (as much as he needs to feel full) and not eat fast food unless it's necessary and apparently that's wrong? I'm sure he likes the fried food more but what's so wrong with swapping that with healthier options? He is a CHILD after all. Children don't know better and people who supervise them are supposed to make sure they are given what's good for them. I don't think I should give him anything and everything he wants just because he wants it. Now that's not to say that he can't have a serving of chips or a serving of this and that, but I just don't understand what's so bad about not giving a kid McDonald's twice a week just because he wants it. As adults, I'm sure all of you would love to have fast food for every meal but sometimes it's just not the better option. A child can't make those decisions for himself.
Yeah, all that. But the kid's already fat. You can close the barn doors after the horses have run off but...
I admire your optimism but I remember being 11 and living on Campbell's chicken noodle soup, Crackerjack, Fluffernutters, Ragu, spaghetti, Tang, Saltines, Count Chocula and ice cream cones. I wasn't fat and I don't know why. My sister ate the exact same food as me and she was fat. No one and nothing could pry that poison from us. We loved it and we lived for it. Your brother probably feels the same way, despite being overweight, sorry.
You were moving more or eating less than she was.
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beaglebrandon wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »The expectations from your parents, that you parent your brother, aren't appropriate. It's okay for you to set boundaries and reject their inappropriate demands.
Focus on how to be a good *sister* to your brother, not how to parent him. Just because your parents expect you to take over for them doesn't mean you have to.
Wow. That is an incredibly off-base, rude and wrong response.
Brothers and Sisters play a huge role in development of their siblings. Pawning everything off to parents or doctors is just plain stupid. I emulated what my brothers did as a kid. Both good and bad. I wanted to be liked by them. Even when a brother or sister doesn't try to teach, they do.
Anyways, I don't think a calorie deficit is good for someone 11 years old - still growing. You need to teach him to eat the right kinds of foods, and to exercise. He doesn't need to lose weight quickly, it's not good for someone 11 years old, unless they are morbidly obese.
And he also has to WANT to do it. If he's addicted to his Xbox, or iPad, you need to tell your parents to see if they can limit his time, or to see if they can trade 1 hour of exercise outside for 1 hour of gaming. See if he wants to go out bike-riding somewhere with you.
It's tough. When I was a kid, I wasn't overweight, but I didn't like sports at all, just being on my computer and programming. Worked great to get a job later in life. It wasn't until about age 13 that I loved sports.
I didn't say that brothers and sisters didn't play a role. I believe siblings have an incredibly important role to play.
I don't believe "everything" should be pawned off to parents or doctors.
If you think my response is off-base, rude, and wrong, it's because of what you are reading into it -- not what I wrote. I wouldn't recommend that someone focus on being a good sister unless I thought it was an important role. Saying that siblings and parents are different isn't saying that one is less important than the other.2 -
Your mom is doing him and herself a complete disservice by allowing both of them to continue to be unhealthy. It sounds like your mom needs to see a therapist and a dietician. But I'm guessing that won't happen.
I have an 11 yo old who luckily is very athletic and active but also loves her screen time. She eats a lot and has no weight issues, but I'm constantly battling the amount of sugar both my kids eat. I'm totally fine with everything in moderation, but like the holiday weekend was way overboard. I got rid of most of the sugary things this week and made homemade fruit popsicles and also got lots of fruit for them.
I do agree that depriving him of foods won't do any good, especially long-term. I would suggest getting him involved and have him help with meal planning and prepping. Good luck to your family.0 -
Leave him be, he's 11. Forcing someone to diet is only going to crash and burn unless they want to do it them selfs. It's quite evident that he doesn't want to do it, and I can see why, he's 11. At the end of the day he's going to end up sneaking food and eating it which will make him more fat and then self conscious which will make him depressed which will make him eat more junk. It's an ongoing cycle.
And I used to be 145 pounds and I don't look obese...
You aren't his parent, so stop mothering him
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Since you are 19 years old you definitely have some adult influence with your brother. He will look up to you and listen more than you know.
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