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I have an (almost) obese brother & need advice!
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I think your an awesome big sis for looking out for him, but I would talk to your parents about how the family as a whole can support one another in being healthier. He might also really like it if you get him outside and active, it could be a great way for you to hang out. Maybe take him on long bike rides or get all the other kids in the neighborhood together to play football or soccer?1
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So you're saying that I should just give up, let him do whatever he wants and watch him gain more and more and more weight?
Yes, which is my parents fault. I'm 19, obviously I wasn't old enough his entire life to help him make those smarter decisions. I don't think it's too late now, he's 11. It's something he could get used to.I have one question for everyone. A lot of parents choose to feed their children mostly healthy food, or don't let them have fast food more than once a year and they're called amazing parents. I want my brother to eat MOSTLY healthy food (as much as he needs to feel full) and not eat fast food unless it's necessary and apparently that's wrong? I'm sure he likes the fried food more but what's so wrong with swapping that with healthier options? He is a CHILD after all. Children don't know better and people who supervise them are supposed to make sure they are given what's good for them. I don't think I should give him anything and everything he wants just because he wants it. Now that's not to say that he can't have a serving of chips or a serving of this and that, but I just don't understand what's so bad about not giving a kid McDonald's twice a week just because he wants it. As adults, I'm sure all of you would love to have fast food for every meal but sometimes it's just not the better option. A child can't make those decisions for himself.
Yeah, all that. But the kid's already fat. You can close the barn doors after the horses have run off but...
I admire your optimism but I remember being 11 and living on Campbell's chicken noodle soup, Crackerjack, Fluffernutters, Ragu, spaghetti, Tang, Saltines, Count Chocula and ice cream cones. I wasn't fat and I don't know why. My sister ate the exact same food as me and she was fat. No one and nothing could pry that poison from us. We loved it and we lived for it. Your brother probably feels the same way, despite being overweight, sorry.0 -
My only expectation is for him to just not gain weight for now. Considering he's still young and doesn't make/buy his own food, I feel like that's achievable. I just want to make it as easy for him in the future as possible. There's a difference between being 200 pounds and 350 pounds when you're 21. I don't want him to start off at the worst point possible and make it hard for him in the future. Thanks though!
So you're saying that I should just give up, let him do whatever he wants and watch him gain more and more and more weight?
Yes, which is my parents fault. I'm 19, obviously I wasn't old enough his entire life to help him make those smarter decisions. I don't think it's too late now, he's 11. It's something he could get used to.I have one question for everyone. A lot of parents choose to feed their children mostly healthy food, or don't let them have fast food more than once a year and they're called amazing parents. I want my brother to eat MOSTLY healthy food (as much as he needs to feel full) and not eat fast food unless it's necessary and apparently that's wrong? I'm sure he likes the fried food more but what's so wrong with swapping that with healthier options? He is a CHILD after all. Children don't know better and people who supervise them are supposed to make sure they are given what's good for them. I don't think I should give him anything and everything he wants just because he wants it. Now that's not to say that he can't have a serving of chips or a serving of this and that, but I just don't understand what's so bad about not giving a kid McDonald's twice a week just because he wants it. As adults, I'm sure all of you would love to have fast food for every meal but sometimes it's just not the better option. A child can't make those decisions for himself.
Yeah, all that. But the kid's already fat. You can close the barn doors after the horses have run off but...
I admire your optimism but I remember being 11 and living on Campbell's chicken noodle soup, Crackerjack, Fluffernutters, Ragu, spaghetti, Tang, Saltines, Count Chocula and ice cream cones. I wasn't fat and I don't know why. My sister ate the exact same food as me and she was fat. No one and nothing could pry that poison from us. We loved it and we lived for it. Your brother probably feels the same way, despite being overweight, sorry.
No, just go into it with your eyes open and your expectations low. Do what you want to do, because clearly you feel morally obligated to and that's good. Just don't build castles in the sky, that's all. I wish him the best and you too in any event.0 -
For all the people saying to let the parents parent, this situation exists because they don't know how to parent.
@st476 your family needs professional help creating a plan and sticking to it. Try getting a referral to a dietitian (not a nutritionist) from your doctor. I think family therapy would be helpful as well. Your Mom agrees with you but then doesn't follow through - someone else needs to get through to her, especially since you are leaving at the end of the summer.
I greatly admire your intentions, but you don't have the authority, and soon will not have the availability, to do this on your own.2 -
OP, your efforts and desire to help are so commendable, they truly are! But you need to recognize how limited your position is. You are only there for a few months. During that time, keep being his friend and role model. That's excellent! Once you leave, keep close contact with your brother. Be his cheerleader, his sounding board, his shoulder to cry on, his confidant and his Dear Abby.
But it sounds like what really is needed is this: your parents need counseling. Your father is an alcoholic. Your mother sounds like an enabler. Your brother will never be their priority until that is addressed. Your mother is soothing her conscience by asking you to do her job. Try to encourage her to seek some support for herself. Your brother's weight seems like a symptom of the real problem.5 -
Yes, which is my parents fault. I'm 19, obviously I wasn't old enough his entire life to help him make those smarter decisions. I don't think it's too late now, he's 11. It's something he could get used to.I have one question for everyone. A lot of parents choose to feed their children mostly healthy food, or don't let them have fast food more than once a year and they're called amazing parents. I want my brother to eat MOSTLY healthy food (as much as he needs to feel full) and not eat fast food unless it's necessary and apparently that's wrong? I'm sure he likes the fried food more but what's so wrong with swapping that with healthier options? He is a CHILD after all. Children don't know better and people who supervise them are supposed to make sure they are given what's good for them. I don't think I should give him anything and everything he wants just because he wants it. Now that's not to say that he can't have a serving of chips or a serving of this and that, but I just don't understand what's so bad about not giving a kid McDonald's twice a week just because he wants it. As adults, I'm sure all of you would love to have fast food for every meal but sometimes it's just not the better option. A child can't make those decisions for himself.
Yeah, all that. But the kid's already fat. You can close the barn doors after the horses have run off but...
I admire your optimism but I remember being 11 and living on Campbell's chicken noodle soup, Crackerjack, Fluffernutters, Ragu, spaghetti, Tang, Saltines, Count Chocula and ice cream cones. I wasn't fat and I don't know why. My sister ate the exact same food as me and she was fat. No one and nothing could pry that poison from us. We loved it and we lived for it. Your brother probably feels the same way, despite being overweight, sorry.
You were moving more or eating less than she was.
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beaglebrandon wrote: »janejellyroll wrote: »The expectations from your parents, that you parent your brother, aren't appropriate. It's okay for you to set boundaries and reject their inappropriate demands.
Focus on how to be a good *sister* to your brother, not how to parent him. Just because your parents expect you to take over for them doesn't mean you have to.
Wow. That is an incredibly off-base, rude and wrong response.
Brothers and Sisters play a huge role in development of their siblings. Pawning everything off to parents or doctors is just plain stupid. I emulated what my brothers did as a kid. Both good and bad. I wanted to be liked by them. Even when a brother or sister doesn't try to teach, they do.
Anyways, I don't think a calorie deficit is good for someone 11 years old - still growing. You need to teach him to eat the right kinds of foods, and to exercise. He doesn't need to lose weight quickly, it's not good for someone 11 years old, unless they are morbidly obese.
And he also has to WANT to do it. If he's addicted to his Xbox, or iPad, you need to tell your parents to see if they can limit his time, or to see if they can trade 1 hour of exercise outside for 1 hour of gaming. See if he wants to go out bike-riding somewhere with you.
It's tough. When I was a kid, I wasn't overweight, but I didn't like sports at all, just being on my computer and programming. Worked great to get a job later in life. It wasn't until about age 13 that I loved sports.
I didn't say that brothers and sisters didn't play a role. I believe siblings have an incredibly important role to play.
I don't believe "everything" should be pawned off to parents or doctors.
If you think my response is off-base, rude, and wrong, it's because of what you are reading into it -- not what I wrote. I wouldn't recommend that someone focus on being a good sister unless I thought it was an important role. Saying that siblings and parents are different isn't saying that one is less important than the other.2 -
Your mom is doing him and herself a complete disservice by allowing both of them to continue to be unhealthy. It sounds like your mom needs to see a therapist and a dietician. But I'm guessing that won't happen.
I have an 11 yo old who luckily is very athletic and active but also loves her screen time. She eats a lot and has no weight issues, but I'm constantly battling the amount of sugar both my kids eat. I'm totally fine with everything in moderation, but like the holiday weekend was way overboard. I got rid of most of the sugary things this week and made homemade fruit popsicles and also got lots of fruit for them.
I do agree that depriving him of foods won't do any good, especially long-term. I would suggest getting him involved and have him help with meal planning and prepping. Good luck to your family.0 -
Leave him be, he's 11. Forcing someone to diet is only going to crash and burn unless they want to do it them selfs. It's quite evident that he doesn't want to do it, and I can see why, he's 11. At the end of the day he's going to end up sneaking food and eating it which will make him more fat and then self conscious which will make him depressed which will make him eat more junk. It's an ongoing cycle.
And I used to be 145 pounds and I don't look obese...
You aren't his parent, so stop mothering him
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Since you are 19 years old you definitely have some adult influence with your brother. He will look up to you and listen more than you know.
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Thank you for caring about your brother enough to want to do something, I think that's great. Since he is very young still, it would probably help him with his cravings of things he likes to eat if you preportion crackers, candies or whatever it is he likes to snack on to ensure he's getting a little bit but not overdoing it. If you two have a close relationship maybe you two can sign up for a sport together, he can make new friends and do a bit of running around playing. Or if he's not into sports but likes the idea of exploring you can go to the park and pretend youre explorers looking for treasure. (you could even prehide treasure and make a map and leave clues to where they're buried).
Pokemon Go just came out a few days ago, you have to walk around to catch pokemon. If he likes Pokemon that could be an option he'd like (walking around to catch things...I know a family who walked around 6 hours yesterday to catch all kinds of stuff. They did it together and that's what made it fun).
Good luck to you both!3 -
My friend was recently told her son needed to lose some weight. He didn't recommend cutting calories. He suggested more activies.
Go on bike rides. Hike through a large park, just be careful, some of our parks have cliffs but no railings.4 -
Not sure why you're getting so much grief for this, but I commend you for trying to help your little brother.
Just lead by example and help him as best you can. I wouldn't try restricting too much at this age, because he really will not understand (or care - he'll want to eat what he wants) and I agree you need to you get your parents to "wake up" and take charge. I wish somebody had done this when I was 11! 5 -
Thank you! That's why I'm trying to get him to eat healthier things too. Everyone is saying to feed him exactly what he was eating before, but smaller portions. While I agree with that to a certain extent, I also think that considering he likes grilled chicken and carrots and broccoli and egg whites, I would much rather he learn to eat those things instead, you know? I want there to be a combination of food that's "good for you" and food that's not so good for you. Obviously if he was given the choice he would choose to eat McDonald's instead of grilled chicken and vegetables, just like most people would. He's not learning good nutrition from that, although portion sizes are also important to learn. I'm trying to teach him both.I have no advice, but I think you're an awesome sister. I wish someone had cared enough to help me learn about proper nutrition when I was a kid. It could saved me countless years of yo-yo dieting.
This is not an attack, so please don't take it like one...but looking at your food diary, you might want to take a look at your own nutrition before giving out advice to others. It looks like you're eating two meals a day and a bunch of snacks, skipping dinner often, and not always even eating 1200. I don't know how tall you are, but that's not enough for a 19 year old girl, who yourself is still not done maturing physically. I'm sorry your mother put this burden on you, but you shouldn't have to be the parent here. Kuddos for giving it a try, I know it's tough to watch the ones you love develop unhealthy habits.0 -
I really commend you for helping your brother, but as others have said it is not going to do much if your parents won't parent him. You will not always be there to prepare his food and stay on your parents' case. The fact that they allow him to just sit on his X box all day is really sad. Nothing is going to change until the X box is severely limited. Video games can be truly addictive and he doesn't have much of a life right now if all he is doing is playing games and eating. Your mother needs to turn it off, unplug it, regardless of how much he whines. He will get over it eventually and find other things to do. Hopefully some of his new activities will be active. Even if they are not active, at least he will have more of a life and that may get him motivated to change other things.
As others have mentioned, you many need to teach him how to prepare a few simple foods if your mother won't cook anything but fried chicken. Even making himself a turkey sandwich with some fruit and carrot sticks is better than fried chicken, it doesn't have to be baked salmon with asparagus. My 8 year old can make herself lunch and already knows what a healthy plate looks like (I tell her she needs some form of protein and fruit and/or veggies). You never know, he may enjoy cooking and it could become a hobby that gets him off the X box. I always have hard boiled eggs, turkey deli meat, string cheese, cut up fruit and veggies, etc. in the fridge and she just grabs what she wants with some crackers or something. It sounds like your parents are absent (sorry) so he will have to do some of this himself. If he gets off the X box, being more active should happen naturally if he finds something he enjoys doing.1 -
I don't eat 1200 sometimes because I eat more on other days and it balances out. And I'm pretty sure it's irrelevant when I eat. If I want to eat most of my calories in snacks, I can. That's what works for me and helps me not give up. And either way, I wasn't asking for help with myself, thanks.htimpaired wrote: »
Thank you! That's why I'm trying to get him to eat healthier things too. Everyone is saying to feed him exactly what he was eating before, but smaller portions. While I agree with that to a certain extent, I also think that considering he likes grilled chicken and carrots and broccoli and egg whites, I would much rather he learn to eat those things instead, you know? I want there to be a combination of food that's "good for you" and food that's not so good for you. Obviously if he was given the choice he would choose to eat McDonald's instead of grilled chicken and vegetables, just like most people would. He's not learning good nutrition from that, although portion sizes are also important to learn. I'm trying to teach him both.I have no advice, but I think you're an awesome sister. I wish someone had cared enough to help me learn about proper nutrition when I was a kid. It could saved me countless years of yo-yo dieting.
This is not an attack, so please don't take it like one...but looking at your food diary, you might want to take a look at your own nutrition before giving out advice to others. It looks like you're eating two meals a day and a bunch of snacks, skipping dinner often, and not always even eating 1200. I don't know how tall you are, but that's not enough for a 19 year old girl, who yourself is still not done maturing physically. I'm sorry your mother put this burden on you, but you shouldn't have to be the parent here. Kuddos for giving it a try, I know it's tough to watch the ones you love develop unhealthy habits.
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Thanks to everyone for the advice! 4
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My thing is, even if you help him this summer, what's going to happen after that? You aren't footing the grocery bill in the house. Your parents are. So if he has a summer of eating right and what not with you, what happens in September when your parents still don't care and he's back to eating corndogs/candy for breakfast and playing Xbox for 12 hours? I'm looking at the long term picture here.
If I had a little brother who was obsessed with Xbox and gaining wait from being immobile, you bet your butt I would take the hard drive out of the Xbox and not give it back until we spent some serious time outside playing. It's easy to take out if you want to know how. :-)1 -
Thank you for caring about your brother enough to want to do something, I think that's great. Since he is very young still, it would probably help him with his cravings of things he likes to eat if you preportion crackers, candies or whatever it is he likes to snack on to ensure he's getting a little bit but not overdoing it. If you two have a close relationship maybe you two can sign up for a sport together, he can make new friends and do a bit of running around playing. Or if he's not into sports but likes the idea of exploring you can go to the park and pretend youre explorers looking for treasure. (you could even prehide treasure and make a map and leave clues to where they're buried).
Pokemon Go just came out a few days ago, you have to walk around to catch pokemon. If he likes Pokemon that could be an option he'd like (walking around to catch things...I know a family who walked around 6 hours yesterday to catch all kinds of stuff. They did it together and that's what made it fun).
Good luck to you both!
You're the second person to mention Pokemon Go today. This looks like so much fun!1 -
I might try Pokemon Go myself lolkshama2001 wrote: »Thank you for caring about your brother enough to want to do something, I think that's great. Since he is very young still, it would probably help him with his cravings of things he likes to eat if you preportion crackers, candies or whatever it is he likes to snack on to ensure he's getting a little bit but not overdoing it. If you two have a close relationship maybe you two can sign up for a sport together, he can make new friends and do a bit of running around playing. Or if he's not into sports but likes the idea of exploring you can go to the park and pretend youre explorers looking for treasure. (you could even prehide treasure and make a map and leave clues to where they're buried).
Pokemon Go just came out a few days ago, you have to walk around to catch pokemon. If he likes Pokemon that could be an option he'd like (walking around to catch things...I know a family who walked around 6 hours yesterday to catch all kinds of stuff. They did it together and that's what made it fun).
Good luck to you both!
You're the second person to mention Pokemon Go today. This looks like so much fun!
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I would loveeee to try it, but my iphone is in the obsolete category and so is my android phone.
I might try Pokemon Go myself lolkshama2001 wrote: »Thank you for caring about your brother enough to want to do something, I think that's great. Since he is very young still, it would probably help him with his cravings of things he likes to eat if you preportion crackers, candies or whatever it is he likes to snack on to ensure he's getting a little bit but not overdoing it. If you two have a close relationship maybe you two can sign up for a sport together, he can make new friends and do a bit of running around playing. Or if he's not into sports but likes the idea of exploring you can go to the park and pretend youre explorers looking for treasure. (you could even prehide treasure and make a map and leave clues to where they're buried).
Pokemon Go just came out a few days ago, you have to walk around to catch pokemon. If he likes Pokemon that could be an option he'd like (walking around to catch things...I know a family who walked around 6 hours yesterday to catch all kinds of stuff. They did it together and that's what made it fun).
Good luck to you both!
You're the second person to mention Pokemon Go today. This looks like so much fun!
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That's great you're trying to help your brother. It's clear you really care about him, and he's lucky to have you in his life
The best thing for him is to see a doctor, to ensure his nutritional needs are being met as a growing child. However, I know that realistically, that probably won't happen, as it sounds like your parents are not willing to take responsibility for this.
It would benefit him long term to have the entire family sit down and talk about this as a whole. Because when you leave, he will go back to his old ways, because your parents aren't on board. I hope that doesn't happen, but if your parents don't ultimately step up and help out with this, he will revert back. He's a kid, you can't blame him for that. Do your best to keep in touch with him when you leave and encourage lots of activity. (get off the Xbox)
I truly wish you and him the best.2 -
He's about to hit puberty and chances are he is going to shoot up in height. I have twin 14 yo sons and I've seen it happen. Mine also looked a bit chubby and now are long and lean and eat twice as much. I wouldn't worry too much right now. I think you will be most effective just getting him to enjoy a healthy lifestyle. Plan things to do that are fun and active. Lay off him about the numbers so that it doesn't become a big psychological hurdle. Be his sister and support him in positive ways. I appreciate what you are trying to do but perhaps a different approach would work better xoxo
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Iv not read all the replies but just wanted to comment before i log off for the night.
instead of trying to change his deit and eating habbits so drastically take him to the park, get him out having fun, if he is having fun he will want to be more active which is the problem here.
my 2 eldest boys are 7 & 8 years old and they can eat for england yet are both a nice healthy weight (8year old has nothing to him ) because they are on the go constantly,
get your MUM to limit his xbox time (mine are not allowed on from 3pm sunday till they get home from school on friday, are only allowed on over the saturday and sunday and only in short periods between playing in the garden and doing homework .
i really feel its his activity levels that need lookng at more2 -
I really feel for you because I see the position you are in, and it's not fair but it's the burden you bear by being the smart one in the family. All you can do is your best and set a good example. You can plan all the diet and exercise programs in the world and your brother and family won't stick to them. You are doing everything you can. I'm not going to give you suggestions as to what to do because you can think of things on your own but you do have to be aware of the impossible position you are in and not blame yourself if your family continues the same self-destructive behavior. I assume you are in college, and worried about what will happen at home in the fall. I'm reading between a lot of lines and if I read them correctly you will get frustrated with your family but you need to focus on yourself first.
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When my daughter was around 11, we went lowish carb together. She really got into it, and was even stricter with herself than I was. It was initially successful. We didn't do weigh-ins, I tried to keep it low-key, but she visibly slimmed. I went through some stressful periods at work and stopped focussing on diet. We both regained weight and then some. My takeaway from all of it was that she was worse off by my starting something that I couldn't continue indefinitely. In later years I focussed more on physical activity. I told her that she needs one sport or activity that she has to participate in regularly. Initially it was swimming, but later she took tennis lessons. An individual sport like tennis or golf is easier to face than a team sport for an overweight child. She went crazy for Dance Dance Revolution for a while but kept overdoing it and hurt her ankles. It can be as addictive as the other video games. My daughter remains overweight to this day, although not excessively so. If I had to do it all over again I would work a lot harder at leading her into a fun, activity filled life.1
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I haven't read all the posts but as a growing child aim for him to eat at maintainance and wait for the next growth spurt to even out his weight.0
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Teach him to cook.2
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I would loveeee to try it, but my iphone is in the obsolete category and so is my android phone.
I might try Pokemon Go myself lolkshama2001 wrote: »Thank you for caring about your brother enough to want to do something, I think that's great. Since he is very young still, it would probably help him with his cravings of things he likes to eat if you preportion crackers, candies or whatever it is he likes to snack on to ensure he's getting a little bit but not overdoing it. If you two have a close relationship maybe you two can sign up for a sport together, he can make new friends and do a bit of running around playing. Or if he's not into sports but likes the idea of exploring you can go to the park and pretend youre explorers looking for treasure. (you could even prehide treasure and make a map and leave clues to where they're buried).
Pokemon Go just came out a few days ago, you have to walk around to catch pokemon. If he likes Pokemon that could be an option he'd like (walking around to catch things...I know a family who walked around 6 hours yesterday to catch all kinds of stuff. They did it together and that's what made it fun).
Good luck to you both!
You're the second person to mention Pokemon Go today. This looks like so much fun!
I'm thinking of upgrading
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I know you are trying to help your brother. Someone else may have mentioned it here, but it is extremely common for boys to be chubby just before they go through puberty (and grow tall before your very eyes). I am not saying his eating and exercise habits are great, but puberty may drastically change things...2
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