Dating since divorce or breakup
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All women are crazy. Escpecially at my age. If they were able to keep it together and be marriage material, they would already be married. Everyone has too much drama.3
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Heartisalonelyhunter wrote: »looking4better wrote: »I was married for about 16 years, our divorce was finalized in February. I don't know if this is true in other states, but as part of our divorce process we had to take a "parenting education class" on how to minimize damage to our children during the transition and how to help them with the changes. Also on how to not let the kids see any negativity between us, etc.... As part of the class, the instructor discussed when to date again after divorce. He gave two pieces of advice. One, don't date again for two years, because of the time the healing process takes. I don't know what based on or whether I agree, but that was one of his pieces of advice. The other was to imagine yourself creating a profile on an online dating site. Not to really do it, but to imagine what it would say IF YOU WERE BEING COMPLETELY HONEST in the profile. So, would it read like this: "Recently divorced. Can barely breathe. Suffering from major depression. Have lost everything." If, in total honesty, that's where you're at, probably better not to try to date, because it probably won't work out. However, if you can imagine yourself creating an online profile where you are more balanced and more back to being yourself, and don't have to lie in order to seem like a normal and appealing person, you are probably ready to date again. I thought that was a good way to look at it.
You know, I did that class and our instructor said there were no rules and it would be silly to impose an arbitrary timeline on a room full of people with different lives and stories. I agree with him. I started dating my husband almost immediately after splitting from my ex-husband (I never intended to date so soon, it just happened that way) and have never regretted it. I adore that man. People judging that it's 'too soon' need to mind their own business.
I agree with Heartisalonelyhunter, you can't really put some arbitrary timeline and pretend it will work for all. I married at 20 yrs old and divorced at 30. The best thing I did for myself was to be alone for a while and figure out what I really wanted from a relationship.
I was worried about how I would meet new people if all I did was work and hang around the house so I picked up some long lost hobbies like going to the gym and playing softball. At the end of the day I didn't meet anyone in these avenues. I tried online dating but as some have mentioned it is quite an exercise to wade through all the frogs to find the prince but at least I knew what I was looking for and what I was not looking for:)1 -
AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »I just had a weird breakup a week ago. We were together for 7 months...when I met him he told me he was separated. Turns out he wasn't. So I'm still pretty angry at the whole thing, but I know I'm going to have to date eventually. Someone asked me yesterday if I was putting myself 'out there' yet. The thought of creating a new online profile gives me a case of the 'icks'. I need to wait until what happened isn't so fresh in my mind, and I need this anger to subside before meeting other guys.
Online dating is exhausting! I met my recent ex on Tinder. So I won't be using that anymore!
Tracy, I have a Tinder date tonight. Wish me luck! My last one had what seems like so much build up(mostly on his part), maybe a week of talking before the actual first date. I just knew it was too much build up and felt pressure that it be some magical event. Of course it wasn't. Just a typical first date. At least it didn't turn into one of my funny/crazy first date stories, so there's that.
Meh....I guess I should shave my legs and make myself look representable.0 -
AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »I just had a weird breakup a week ago. We were together for 7 months...when I met him he told me he was separated. Turns out he wasn't. So I'm still pretty angry at the whole thing, but I know I'm going to have to date eventually. Someone asked me yesterday if I was putting myself 'out there' yet. The thought of creating a new online profile gives me a case of the 'icks'. I need to wait until what happened isn't so fresh in my mind, and I need this anger to subside before meeting other guys.
Online dating is exhausting! I met my recent ex on Tinder. So I won't be using that anymore!
Tracy, I have a Tinder date tonight. Wish me luck! My last one had what seems like so much build up(mostly on his part), maybe a week of talking before the actual first date. I just knew it was too much build up and felt pressure that it be some magical event. Of course it wasn't. Just a typical first date. At least it didn't turn into one of my funny/crazy first date stories, so there's that.
Meh....I guess I should shave my legs and make myself look representable.
I find that talking to someone for 3 or 4 days is good enough to meet in person as long as schedules allow it. When there's allllllllllllll this texting and whatnot it can lead to some kind of false intimacy and higher expectations.
I never met a psycho on Tinder. I guess just the married guy...and we were together 7 months
the other guys were fine and perfectly nice - just no chemistry. I met plenty of wackos on PoF, though!
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looking4better wrote: »I was married for about 16 years, our divorce was finalized in February. I don't know if this is true in other states, but as part of our divorce process we had to take a "parenting education class" on how to minimize damage to our children during the transition and how to help them with the changes. Also on how to not let the kids see any negativity between us, etc.... As part of the class, the instructor discussed when to date again after divorce. He gave two pieces of advice. One, don't date again for two years, because of the time the healing process takes. I don't know what that's based on or whether I agree, but that was one of his pieces of advice. The other was to imagine yourself creating a profile on an online dating site. Not to really do it, but to imagine what it would say IF YOU WERE BEING COMPLETELY HONEST in the profile. So, would it read like this: "Recently divorced. Can barely breathe. Suffering from major depression. Have lost everything." If, in total honesty, that's where you're at, probably better not to try to date, because it probably won't work out. However, if you can imagine yourself creating an online profile where you are more balanced and more back to being yourself, and don't have to lie in order to seem like a normal and appealing person, you are probably ready to date again. I thought that was a good way to look at it.
I think waiting 2 years to date is pretty harsh, although I do think it's best to wait at least that long before getting into a committed relationship. When I split from my ex, my next relationship was a longish one with a guy that would never have made a good partner for me. I was aware of that, but there was still a part of me that sort of wanted our relationship to work out to be committed. Now I'm super glad it didn't. When I first met my husband, he was still married to his ex but in the process of separating. I told him many times that it was a bad idea for us to get involved but he wore me down. I should have stuck to my guns. It seems like we have a lot of the same issues that he and his ex had.
I can't imagine looking for a committed relationship when I'm single again. I don't think I want to put myself through that again.
A friend with benefits, though? I can get behind that.0 -
AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »I just had a weird breakup a week ago. We were together for 7 months...when I met him he told me he was separated. Turns out he wasn't. So I'm still pretty angry at the whole thing, but I know I'm going to have to date eventually. Someone asked me yesterday if I was putting myself 'out there' yet. The thought of creating a new online profile gives me a case of the 'icks'. I need to wait until what happened isn't so fresh in my mind, and I need this anger to subside before meeting other guys.
Online dating is exhausting! I met my recent ex on Tinder. So I won't be using that anymore!
Tracy, I have a Tinder date tonight. Wish me luck! My last one had what seems like so much build up(mostly on his part), maybe a week of talking before the actual first date. I just knew it was too much build up and felt pressure that it be some magical event. Of course it wasn't. Just a typical first date. At least it didn't turn into one of my funny/crazy first date stories, so there's that.
Meh....I guess I should shave my legs and make myself look representable.
I find that talking to someone for 3 or 4 days is good enough to meet in person as long as schedules allow it. When there's allllllllllllll this texting and whatnot it can lead to some kind of false intimacy and higher expectations.
I never met a psycho on Tinder. I guess just the married guy...and we were together 7 months the other guys were fine and perfectly nice - just no chemistry. I met plenty of wackos on PoF, though!
POF is full of weirdos!
However I did meet my best friend/ex bf on there, but that's totally a fluke! Tinder hasn't been too bad for me, just nothing special yet. I have learned to not have any expectations.
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This is all so depressing... what's wrong with being single?1
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looking4better wrote: »I was married for about 16 years, our divorce was finalized in February. I don't know if this is true in other states, but as part of our divorce process we had to take a "parenting education class" on how to minimize damage to our children during the transition and how to help them with the changes. Also on how to not let the kids see any negativity between us, etc.... As part of the class, the instructor discussed when to date again after divorce. He gave two pieces of advice. One, don't date again for two years, because of the time the healing process takes. I don't know what that's based on or whether I agree, but that was one of his pieces of advice. The other was to imagine yourself creating a profile on an online dating site. Not to really do it, but to imagine what it would say IF YOU WERE BEING COMPLETELY HONEST in the profile. So, would it read like this: "Recently divorced. Can barely breathe. Suffering from major depression. Have lost everything." If, in total honesty, that's where you're at, probably better not to try to date, because it probably won't work out. However, if you can imagine yourself creating an online profile where you are more balanced and more back to being yourself, and don't have to lie in order to seem like a normal and appealing person, you are probably ready to date again. I thought that was a good way to look at it.
I think waiting 2 years to date is pretty harsh, although I do think it's best to wait at least that long before getting into a committed relationship. When I split from my ex, my next relationship was a longish one with a guy that would never have made a good partner for me. I was aware of that, but there was still a part of me that sort of wanted our relationship to work out to be committed. Now I'm super glad it didn't. When I first met my husband, he was still married to his ex but in the process of separating. I told him many times that it was a bad idea for us to get involved but he wore me down. I should have stuck to my guns. It seems like we have a lot of the same issues that he and his ex had.
I can't imagine looking for a committed relationship when I'm single again. I don't think I want to put myself through that again.
A friend with benefits, though? I can get behind that.
It seems to me that a lot depends on the circumstances surrounding the separation and/or divorce. In my case our children were grown and had left the nest for a few years. My marital relationship had grown progressively stale (although I wasn't admitting it to myself) for many years.
When the time came that we finally separated things were really lifeless and I was relationally starving. I was more than ready to date at that point and am feeling alive again by meeting new people. Again, I think circumstances differ and how much time is needed to "heal" will vary also.
And as an aside, my experience with dating sites has been better than a lot of the postings I have seen here. Of course not all dates are ones you want repeated but overall I think online is a decent option. Interesting thread here.1 -
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When I divorced my first husband I dated someone from work and then I tried the online route and chickened out when I was supposed to meet someone. Everything was planned but I was a wimpy chicken. I met the current husband less than a year after my separation. Sometimes I wish I had been single longer after the marriage just to have time to be on my own.0
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Cutaway_Collar wrote: »
Holy *kitten*. That's unreal. Did his wife find out??AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »I just had a weird breakup a week ago. We were together for 7 months...when I met him he told me he was separated. Turns out he wasn't. So I'm still pretty angry at the whole thing, but I know I'm going to have to date eventually. Someone asked me yesterday if I was putting myself 'out there' yet. The thought of creating a new online profile gives me a case of the 'icks'. I need to wait until what happened isn't so fresh in my mind, and I need this anger to subside before meeting other guys.
Online dating is exhausting! I met my recent ex on Tinder. So I won't be using that anymore!
Tracy, I have a Tinder date tonight. Wish me luck! My last one had what seems like so much build up(mostly on his part), maybe a week of talking before the actual first date. I just knew it was too much build up and felt pressure that it be some magical event. Of course it wasn't. Just a typical first date. At least it didn't turn into one of my funny/crazy first date stories, so there's that.
Meh....I guess I should shave my legs and make myself look representable.
I find that talking to someone for 3 or 4 days is good enough to meet in person as long as schedules allow it. When there's allllllllllllll this texting and whatnot it can lead to some kind of false intimacy and higher expectations.
I never met a psycho on Tinder. I guess just the married guy...and we were together 7 months the other guys were fine and perfectly nice - just no chemistry. I met plenty of wackos on PoF, though!
@Cutaway_Collar he got away with it because he worked in NJ so he stayed here during the work week and went home to wifey in Avon, CT on the weekends. He told me he had his kids every weekend. LIES! And yeah - I believe his wife found out but stayed with him. He had another long-term affair before me and she seems to just put up with it. He said in their culture (Portuguese) divorce or leaving ones family is pretty much the worst thing ever...so he has affairs and wifey puts up with it. Sad, sad, sad.0 -
AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »
@Cutaway_Collar he got away with it because he worked in NJ so he stayed here during the work week and went home to wifey in Avon, CT on the weekends. He told me he had his kids every weekend. LIES! And yeah - I believe his wife found out but stayed with him. He had another long-term affair before me and she seems to just put up with it. He said in their culture (Portuguese) divorce or leaving ones family is pretty much the worst thing ever...so he has affairs and wifey puts up with it. Sad, sad, sad.
Wifey probably puts up with it because she has a good life in Avon (pricey area of CT to live) and a husband that is gone all week and not bothering her.
You deserve much more than that.
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AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »
@Cutaway_Collar he got away with it because he worked in NJ so he stayed here during the work week and went home to wifey in Avon, CT on the weekends. He told me he had his kids every weekend. LIES! And yeah - I believe his wife found out but stayed with him. He had another long-term affair before me and she seems to just put up with it. He said in their culture (Portuguese) divorce or leaving ones family is pretty much the worst thing ever...so he has affairs and wifey puts up with it. Sad, sad, sad.
Wifey probably puts up with it because she has a good life in Avon (pricey area of CT to live) and a husband that is gone all week and not bothering her.
You deserve much more than that.
yeah - he was kinda fancy. Had a beach house in Niantic, jet skis, a few cars. Who'd give up a life like that? If I were her I'd have taken him for everything he has. She'd get it, too. She's a stay-at-home-mom. She'd make BANK with all the alimony and child support (3 kids - triplets!). He'd probably end up living in one of his cars lololol
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Cutaway_Collar wrote: »I need me a few tristate girlfriends. Probably one in every borough, except staten island because it sucks.
Staten Island is like a whole other country lololol0 -
Cutaway_Collar wrote: »What is astonishing is the seven month innings and he scams two women. Is there a separated card they issue??
Did you snoop around facebook and stuff??
@Cutaway_Collar I met him on Tinder so I knew he had a Facebook. I peaked at it back when I fist met him in the beginning of the year. Most of it was private except for a few posts from 2012/2013. His wife was in a few of those pictures (she was kinda frumpy looking, to be honest) but since he said he was separated for 3 years it kinda made sense that she'd be in old photos.
To be honest, even if he wasn't married I don't think it would have worked out in the long run. Him being Portuguese, his family would have never accepted a single mom Irish girl as his girlfriend.
And yeah - SI is...it really is like a whole other country. I tried dating a guy from SI a long time ago. I couldn't stand his accent!!
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AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »
@Cutaway_Collar he got away with it because he worked in NJ so he stayed here during the work week and went home to wifey in Avon, CT on the weekends. He told me he had his kids every weekend. LIES! And yeah - I believe his wife found out but stayed with him. He had another long-term affair before me and she seems to just put up with it. He said in their culture (Portuguese) divorce or leaving ones family is pretty much the worst thing ever...so he has affairs and wifey puts up with it. Sad, sad, sad.
Wifey probably puts up with it because she has a good life in Avon (pricey area of CT to live) and a husband that is gone all week and not bothering her.
You deserve much more than that.
yeah - he was kinda fancy. Had a beach house in Niantic, jet skis, a few cars. Who'd give up a life like that? If I were her I'd have taken him for everything he has. She'd get it, too. She's a stay-at-home-mom. She'd make BANK with all the alimony and child support (3 kids - triplets!). He'd probably end up living in one of his cars lololol
Not in CT - it's a community property state, she would get only half. And then there is the stigma of divorce. . . she is playing it out just fine. . . probably having a thing with the pool guy.0 -
AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »
@Cutaway_Collar he got away with it because he worked in NJ so he stayed here during the work week and went home to wifey in Avon, CT on the weekends. He told me he had his kids every weekend. LIES! And yeah - I believe his wife found out but stayed with him. He had another long-term affair before me and she seems to just put up with it. He said in their culture (Portuguese) divorce or leaving ones family is pretty much the worst thing ever...so he has affairs and wifey puts up with it. Sad, sad, sad.
Wifey probably puts up with it because she has a good life in Avon (pricey area of CT to live) and a husband that is gone all week and not bothering her.
You deserve much more than that.
yeah - he was kinda fancy. Had a beach house in Niantic, jet skis, a few cars. Who'd give up a life like that? If I were her I'd have taken him for everything he has. She'd get it, too. She's a stay-at-home-mom. She'd make BANK with all the alimony and child support (3 kids - triplets!). He'd probably end up living in one of his cars lololol
Not in CT - it's a community property state, she would get only half. And then there is the stigma of divorce. . . she is playing it out just fine. . . probably having a thing with the pool guy.
That explains a lot! I guess she'll put up with his cheating so she can keep her lifestyle.
Personally, I couldn't do it. I have ZERO tolerance for infidelity.1 -
Not divorced, but been close and honestly I would swear off anything serious dating or relationship wise for a few years if I ever did separate. Can't understand how quickly people "find love". Maybe that is the issue right there...afraid to be with just them self.1
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I need to read all this...its applicable to say the least0
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