Dating since divorce or breakup
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AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »AskTracyAnnK28 wrote: »
@Cutaway_Collar he got away with it because he worked in NJ so he stayed here during the work week and went home to wifey in Avon, CT on the weekends. He told me he had his kids every weekend. LIES! And yeah - I believe his wife found out but stayed with him. He had another long-term affair before me and she seems to just put up with it. He said in their culture (Portuguese) divorce or leaving ones family is pretty much the worst thing ever...so he has affairs and wifey puts up with it. Sad, sad, sad.
Wifey probably puts up with it because she has a good life in Avon (pricey area of CT to live) and a husband that is gone all week and not bothering her.
You deserve much more than that.
yeah - he was kinda fancy. Had a beach house in Niantic, jet skis, a few cars. Who'd give up a life like that? If I were her I'd have taken him for everything he has. She'd get it, too. She's a stay-at-home-mom. She'd make BANK with all the alimony and child support (3 kids - triplets!). He'd probably end up living in one of his cars lololol
Not in CT - it's a community property state, she would get only half. And then there is the stigma of divorce. . . she is playing it out just fine. . . probably having a thing with the pool guy.
That explains a lot! I guess she'll put up with his cheating so she can keep her lifestyle.
Personally, I couldn't do it. I have ZERO tolerance for infidelity.
Agreed, especially on the infidelity part.0 -
If one partner allows it, it's not cheating. It's 'an arrangement'
No victims - assuming the other person knows the whole story and can decide for his/herself.
How have folks dealt with kids from a former and dating again?
Generally the woman I'm in love with - not just dating, but once we become a couple - is the most important person to me, then my kids. Kids will not 'come first' because i owe it to my new spouse/serious/so to make them first in my life.
But until then - I struggle thinking about having a 'sleep over' when my kids were home, even with a woman I loved and dated for years. My kids are old enough where I don't have to worry about "OMG! She's going to meet my KIDS TODAY!!"
And that's another thing - I wonder if folks wait too long to introduce kids to somebody they are dating. I am pretty picky when it comes to kid behaviour - I don't enjoy kids who are a-holes. I'd rather know if a woman's kids are a-holes up front, before I fall head over heels for her. Make sense?
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DetroitDarin wrote: »If one partner allows it, it's not cheating. It's 'an arrangement' No victims - assuming the other person knows the whole story and can decide for his/herself.
How have folks dealt with kids from a former and dating again?
Generally the woman I'm in love with - not just dating, but once we become a couple - is the most important person to me, then my kids. Kids will not 'come first' because i owe it to my new spouse/serious/so to make them first in my life.
But until then - I struggle thinking about having a 'sleep over' when my kids were home, even with a woman I loved and dated for years. My kids are old enough where I don't have to worry about "OMG! She's going to meet my KIDS TODAY!!"
And that's another thing - I wonder if folks wait too long to introduce kids to somebody they are dating. I am pretty picky when it comes to kid behaviour - I don't enjoy kids who are a-holes. I'd rather know if a woman's kids are a-holes up front, before I fall head over heels for her. Make sense?
My sister's ex-boyfriend's kids were one of the reasons she ended up breaking up so... I get it.
Bu the kids already saw their world go upside down when their parents got a divorce... I totally understand why you wouldn't want to make them go through something like that again unless you're sure it's actually going somewhere.
But personally, if I met a single dad and he put me before his kids (not for the little things, but rescheduling their time with them, or not letting them go to something they were looking for or things like that), I'd run... because it would mean a lack of responsibility and you can bet he'll do the same thing to me when something more exciting comes along.1 -
DetroitDarin wrote: »If one partner allows it, it's not cheating. It's 'an arrangement' No victims - assuming the other person knows the whole story and can decide for his/herself.
How have folks dealt with kids from a former and dating again?
Generally the woman I'm in love with - not just dating, but once we become a couple - is the most important person to me, then my kids. Kids will not 'come first' because i owe it to my new spouse/serious/so to make them first in my life.
But until then - I struggle thinking about having a 'sleep over' when my kids were home, even with a woman I loved and dated for years. My kids are old enough where I don't have to worry about "OMG! She's going to meet my KIDS TODAY!!"
And that's another thing - I wonder if folks wait too long to introduce kids to somebody they are dating. I am pretty picky when it comes to kid behaviour - I don't enjoy kids who are a-holes. I'd rather know if a woman's kids are a-holes up front, before I fall head over heels for her. Make sense?
Generally if one person allows it it's because she is emotionally/financially/physically afraid to leave that relationship (usually it's women in abusive relationships). There is no such thing as a one-sided open relationship. Open relationships allow both partners to have other sexual partners and can only work with complete equality and open communication.
As for step kids, I will tell you from experience that if you meet a woman with kids they will resent you for not being their Dad and that will make them act like *kitten* sometimes. Just as your kid will act like an *kitten* to your girlfriend. It's perfectly natural and the only thing that helps it is patience and time. I am very fond of my stepchildren but I am not their mother and I know they would prefer it if their father and mother were still together. But as time goes by it gets easier.
I will say that as a mother I would not have dated a man without kids. Because he wouldn't understand the pressures of parenthood and someone my age who has made the decision not to have kids is unlikely to want to live with someone else's.0 -
DetroitDarin wrote: »If one partner allows it, it's not cheating. It's 'an arrangement' No victims - assuming the other person knows the whole story and can decide for his/herself.
How have folks dealt with kids from a former and dating again?
Generally the woman I'm in love with - not just dating, but once we become a couple - is the most important person to me, then my kids. Kids will not 'come first' because i owe it to my new spouse/serious/so to make them first in my life.
But until then - I struggle thinking about having a 'sleep over' when my kids were home, even with a woman I loved and dated for years. My kids are old enough where I don't have to worry about "OMG! She's going to meet my KIDS TODAY!!"
And that's another thing - I wonder if folks wait too long to introduce kids to somebody they are dating. I am pretty picky when it comes to kid behaviour - I don't enjoy kids who are a-holes. I'd rather know if a woman's kids are a-holes up front, before I fall head over heels for her. Make sense?
In my case, she didn't 'allow it' but won't leave him because of their kids and their lifestyle - and I guess because she loves him and believes in "till death do us part even though he's a lying, cheating *kitten*"
And I agree with your statemens @DetroitDarin. I believe that when you are in a love relationship, that needs to be a priority. I've had my fair share of dating guys who's kids come first and always. Guys who say "my kids are my world - and if you don't like that then GTFO". My attitude was, "I come first"...because if I'm unhappy with my life there's no way I can be the parent I should be.
It must have worked because my 20 year old son turned out pretty good (never got into trouble, university Dean's list, has a great work ethic and an awesome personality).0 -
But personally, if I met a single dad and he put me before his kids (not for the little things, but rescheduling their time with them, or not letting them go to something they were looking for or things like that), I'd run... because it would mean a lack of responsibility and you can bet he'll do the same thing to me when something more exciting comes along.
I'm talking about after the new relationship is settled. It's cemented. The spouse/so must always be "ahead" of the kids for the relationship to work. I'm not talking about neglecting the kids - but sticking up for my partner; in face of the kids. I'm talking about protecting and validating. I'm talking about Loving her enough to ensure the kids know to respect her as much or more than me. does that make sense?2 -
But personally, if I met a single dad and he put me before his kids (not for the little things, but rescheduling their time with them, or not letting them go to something they were looking for or things like that), I'd run... because it would mean a lack of responsibility and you can bet he'll do the same thing to me when something more exciting comes along.
It's probably best for married people to stay married until the last kid turns 18. If divorce is inevitable, it's probably best to wait until the last kid turns into an adult before "dating" again.
That's ridiculous. Children adapt just as lovers do. I will say my children and step children are much better off now in a household with two adults who love each other rather than a household where the adults are cheating,lying and/or fighting. And after I was divorced there was no way I was waiting 12 years until I got laid again. Making sweeping generalizations about people's marriages or how long they should stay single is very ignorant.1 -
DetroitDarin wrote: »
But personally, if I met a single dad and he put me before his kids (not for the little things, but rescheduling their time with them, or not letting them go to something they were looking for or things like that), I'd run... because it would mean a lack of responsibility and you can bet he'll do the same thing to me when something more exciting comes along.
I'm talking about after the new relationship is settled. It's cemented. The spouse/so must always be "ahead" of the kids for the relationship to work. I'm not talking about neglecting the kids - but sticking up for my partner; in face of the kids. I'm talking about protecting and validating. I'm talking about Loving her enough to ensure the kids know to respect her as much or more than me. does that make sense?
years ago I lived with someone who had an 11 year old daughter (my son was 12 at the time). She would make up things about me and tell her dad and her mom (like how I ruined her clothes in the wash, I destroyed her bedroom, I gave her something she didn't like for lunch and blah blah). My (now)ex always believed her over me. Always. She was one of the many reasons why I left him.
Anyway...I give single dads all the credit in the world, but I won't get involved with one unless he knows how to balance his personal life with his family life. If someone's kids are "their world" then obviously there's no room for me in there. I'd rather stay home with my Netflix than fight for someone's attention.1 -
lislisa123 wrote: »I work as a cashier and there is this one guy who is kind of cute, he is nice and has a nice smile. He is always friendly/easy going and smiles when he talks to me. I can't tell if he is just a friendly person or likes me.
I wear a name tag but he never says my name and never introduced himself to me. I don't even know his name and see him like 2 or 3 days a week.
You would think if he liked me he would introduce himself or at least greet me by my name right?
I'm just curious what a guy would do in that Case to show they are interested, if they liked the cashier that was checking them out.
It's not like we have a long time to chat. It's just how was your day sort of chat and we only have a few mins because my work is crazy busy and I have other customers to check out.
Any advice/thoughts?
I would make the first move. Ask him out for coffee. If he says no or he is seeing someone oh well at least you know. Or he could be shy and trying to work up the nerve to ask you out as well. It's a two way street these days and you'll never know this could be the guy God has for you.
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Why would you get a strike from the mods? For saying something ridiculous? I don't think you have ever been in this situation so I don't see how you're qualified to make such sweeping generalizations and personally I have no interest in debating anything with you. I suggest you calm down and concentrate on what makes you happy rather than announcing how other people should live their lives. Have a nice day.0
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DetroitDarin wrote: »If one partner allows it, it's not cheating. It's 'an arrangement' No victims - assuming the other person knows the whole story and can decide for his/herself.
How have folks dealt with kids from a former and dating again?
I've asked my husband to open our marriage since he's not interested in me but he refuses. I've told him that I agreed to monogamy, not celibacy. I don't think you can have it all ways; you can't refuse to have sex with your wife and then also refuse to divorce her and refuse to open the marriage.
I had kids when he and I met. I kept dating to when I didn't have the kids and there were no sleepovers for quite a while when the kids were with me. I wanted to be mostly sure the relationship was going somewhere before my kids met him. On the flip side, my ex introduced the kids to pretty much every woman he was dating. I don't think the kids were really scarred but they've told me that they had a hard time when a woman they liked would be gone.
If I were single and dating, my kids would be my priority but in a committed relationship, I think the majority of the time the relationship has to take priority. Without a healthy marriage, the family will fall apart.
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DetroitDarin wrote: »If one partner allows it, it's not cheating. It's 'an arrangement' No victims - assuming the other person knows the whole story and can decide for his/herself.
How have folks dealt with kids from a former and dating again?
I've asked my husband to open our marriage since he's not interested in me but he refuses. I've told him that I agreed to monogamy, not celibacy. I don't think you can have it all ways; you can't refuse to have sex with your wife and then also refuse to divorce her and refuse to open the marriage.
I had kids when he and I met. I kept dating to when I didn't have the kids and there were no sleepovers for quite a while when the kids were with me. I wanted to be mostly sure the relationship was going somewhere before my kids met him. On the flip side, my ex introduced the kids to pretty much every woman he was dating. I don't think the kids were really scarred but they've told me that they had a hard time when a woman they liked would be gone.
If I were single and dating, my kids would be my priority but in a committed relationship, I think the majority of the time the relationship has to take priority. Without a healthy marriage, the family will fall apart.
Refusing a spouse IS cheating. See - most couples vow to love, honor, and cherish. AND forsake all others. All OTHERS. Not 'forsaking THE other (spouse)' - all others BUT the spouse. Your husband is cheating you out of what he likely promised to do. He's not loving, nor honoring, nor cherishing. And he's forsaking you. I am so sorry @rps67. I can't imagine the stress you must be feeling and living with. Understandable frustration.0 -
DetroitDarin wrote: »DetroitDarin wrote: »If one partner allows it, it's not cheating. It's 'an arrangement' No victims - assuming the other person knows the whole story and can decide for his/herself.
How have folks dealt with kids from a former and dating again?
I've asked my husband to open our marriage since he's not interested in me but he refuses. I've told him that I agreed to monogamy, not celibacy. I don't think you can have it all ways; you can't refuse to have sex with your wife and then also refuse to divorce her and refuse to open the marriage.
I had kids when he and I met. I kept dating to when I didn't have the kids and there were no sleepovers for quite a while when the kids were with me. I wanted to be mostly sure the relationship was going somewhere before my kids met him. On the flip side, my ex introduced the kids to pretty much every woman he was dating. I don't think the kids were really scarred but they've told me that they had a hard time when a woman they liked would be gone.
If I were single and dating, my kids would be my priority but in a committed relationship, I think the majority of the time the relationship has to take priority. Without a healthy marriage, the family will fall apart.
Refusing a spouse IS cheating. See - most couples vow to love, honor, and cherish. AND forsake all others. All OTHERS. Not 'forsaking THE other (spouse)' - all others BUT the spouse. Your husband is cheating you out of what he likely promised to do. He's not loving, nor honoring, nor cherishing. And he's forsaking you. I am so sorry @rps67. I can't imagine the stress you must be feeling and living with. Understandable frustration.
Eh... that guy's definitely a jerk and I'm so sorry you have to deal with that... but forcing your partner to have sex with you when they don't want to is completely wrong. You got to see both sides there. There is such thing as marital rape. When my husband behaves like a jerk, there's no way I'm going to be willing to have sex with him, sorry, and that doesn't make me a cheater.0 -
DetroitDarin wrote: »If one partner allows it, it's not cheating. It's 'an arrangement' No victims - assuming the other person knows the whole story and can decide for his/herself.
How have folks dealt with kids from a former and dating again?
I've asked my husband to open our marriage since he's not interested in me but he refuses. I've told him that I agreed to monogamy, not celibacy. I don't think you can have it all ways; you can't refuse to have sex with your wife and then also refuse to divorce her and refuse to open the marriage.
I had kids when he and I met. I kept dating to when I didn't have the kids and there were no sleepovers for quite a while when the kids were with me. I wanted to be mostly sure the relationship was going somewhere before my kids met him. On the flip side, my ex introduced the kids to pretty much every woman he was dating. I don't think the kids were really scarred but they've told me that they had a hard time when a woman they liked would be gone.
If I were single and dating, my kids would be my priority but in a committed relationship, I think the majority of the time the relationship has to take priority. Without a healthy marriage, the family will fall apart.
I agree that he can't have it both ways. Sex is an essential part of love and intimacy.
Froma legal point of view, technically you and your husband are separated from the last time you had sex (regardless of whether you are married and live together). So if you haven't had sex for a year then you have technically been separated for 1 year. That makes it much easier for you to divorce him regardless if he wants to or not. Definitely consult a lawyer asap.1 -
DetroitDarin wrote: »Refusing a spouse IS cheating. See - most couples vow to love, honor, and cherish. AND forsake all others. All OTHERS. Not 'forsaking THE other (spouse)' - all others BUT the spouse. Your husband is cheating you out of what he likely promised to do. He's not loving, nor honoring, nor cherishing. And he's forsaking you. I am so sorry @rps67. I can't imagine the stress you must be feeling and living with. Understandable frustration.
I agree with you 100%. That part about "to have and to hold" isn't about hugging. I've explained to him that he's broken his marriage vows and he agrees....and then does nothing to change it. I'm past the point of giving him more chances; I'm just biding my time until I file for divorce and I will be filing based on constructive abandonment.
It was terrible for a while; I won't lie about that. I'm on an antidepressant and I'm in therapy and these have helped a lot. I've been focusing on fitness so I spend a good deal of time at the gym or out running and that's a huge help. I'm trying to be the best me I can be for myself right now and maybe someone else down the line.2 -
Divorce is hard but it does pass and if done correctly can work to everyone's advantage.
I do agree with some of the above posters that I do not understand how people just go from a long time marriage right into another serious relationship without taking the time to heal, get to know themselves, and get comfortable with being on their own.
I've been single now for 9 years and although I dated here and there I did take the first few years to learn how to be me again and to raise my child.
Now, I won't settle and I am picky about who or if I date.
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DetroitDarin wrote: »DetroitDarin wrote: »If one partner allows it, it's not cheating. It's 'an arrangement' No victims - assuming the other person knows the whole story and can decide for his/herself.
How have folks dealt with kids from a former and dating again?
I've asked my husband to open our marriage since he's not interested in me but he refuses. I've told him that I agreed to monogamy, not celibacy. I don't think you can have it all ways; you can't refuse to have sex with your wife and then also refuse to divorce her and refuse to open the marriage.
I had kids when he and I met. I kept dating to when I didn't have the kids and there were no sleepovers for quite a while when the kids were with me. I wanted to be mostly sure the relationship was going somewhere before my kids met him. On the flip side, my ex introduced the kids to pretty much every woman he was dating. I don't think the kids were really scarred but they've told me that they had a hard time when a woman they liked would be gone.
If I were single and dating, my kids would be my priority but in a committed relationship, I think the majority of the time the relationship has to take priority. Without a healthy marriage, the family will fall apart.
Refusing a spouse IS cheating. See - most couples vow to love, honor, and cherish. AND forsake all others. All OTHERS. Not 'forsaking THE other (spouse)' - all others BUT the spouse. Your husband is cheating you out of what he likely promised to do. He's not loving, nor honoring, nor cherishing. And he's forsaking you. I am so sorry @rps67. I can't imagine the stress you must be feeling and living with. Understandable frustration.
Eh... that guy's definitely a jerk and I'm so sorry you have to deal with that... but forcing your partner to have sex with you when they don't want to is completely wrong. You got to see both sides there. There is such thing as marital rape. When my husband behaves like a jerk, there's no way I'm going to be willing to have sex with him, sorry, and that doesn't make me a cheater.
Why are you talking about forcing sex? Like suddenly switching the topic to bacon.
As an aside can we agree using sex as a punishment or reward is emotional abuse.
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DetroitDarin wrote: »DetroitDarin wrote: »DetroitDarin wrote: »If one partner allows it, it's not cheating. It's 'an arrangement' No victims - assuming the other person knows the whole story and can decide for his/herself.
How have folks dealt with kids from a former and dating again?
I've asked my husband to open our marriage since he's not interested in me but he refuses. I've told him that I agreed to monogamy, not celibacy. I don't think you can have it all ways; you can't refuse to have sex with your wife and then also refuse to divorce her and refuse to open the marriage.
I had kids when he and I met. I kept dating to when I didn't have the kids and there were no sleepovers for quite a while when the kids were with me. I wanted to be mostly sure the relationship was going somewhere before my kids met him. On the flip side, my ex introduced the kids to pretty much every woman he was dating. I don't think the kids were really scarred but they've told me that they had a hard time when a woman they liked would be gone.
If I were single and dating, my kids would be my priority but in a committed relationship, I think the majority of the time the relationship has to take priority. Without a healthy marriage, the family will fall apart.
Refusing a spouse IS cheating. See - most couples vow to love, honor, and cherish. AND forsake all others. All OTHERS. Not 'forsaking THE other (spouse)' - all others BUT the spouse. Your husband is cheating you out of what he likely promised to do. He's not loving, nor honoring, nor cherishing. And he's forsaking you. I am so sorry @rps67. I can't imagine the stress you must be feeling and living with. Understandable frustration.
Eh... that guy's definitely a jerk and I'm so sorry you have to deal with that... but forcing your partner to have sex with you when they don't want to is completely wrong. You got to see both sides there. There is such thing as marital rape. When my husband behaves like a jerk, there's no way I'm going to be willing to have sex with him, sorry, and that doesn't make me a cheater.
Why are you talking about forcing sex? Like suddenly switching the topic to bacon.
As an aside can we agree using sex as a punishment or reward is emotional abuse.
True. It's a bit like saying eating a piece of cake when you're not that hungry is the same as someone holding you down and force feeding it to you. Umm, no...0 -
I do not understand how people just go from a long time marriage right into another serious relationship without taking the time to heal, get to know themselves, and get comfortable with being on their own.
Amen. Too many people chase needs instead of getting to understand something deeper about relationships. Again, when sex is not happening in a relationship it is almost always a symptom of other issues and NOT the actual issue. It just happens to be what people focus on, then go and find somewhere else.
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kirstenleigh123 wrote: »So where do people go to meet people now a days? Online dating is terrible!
MPF might work, the gym, a cooking class, church, a store/mall via idle chit-chat0
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