Boyfriends standards of weight?
Replies
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I'm going to argue that one:
1. If he's already displaying this type of attitude telling him it hurts your feelings will most likely encourage it sadly. You've tried telling him this from what I've read. Once is more than enough.
2. This may be dangerous, it may encourage him (doubtful) or he may become violent to prove his strength.
3. Cheating on him sinks you to his level. If you are going to cheat leave.
4. You will never meet his requirements, just leave.
5. This one I can agree with fully. Also when you find someone better don't take out what this asshat did to you on them.7 -
Ah 18, its so easy for us to give you advice, cos I promise you, we have ALL been in some similar situation at some point! In love with someone who isn't healthy for us, its a rite of passage!!
I know every one is offering the same advice, but its due to experience and heartbreak. I was dumped and my weight was a primary factor - and I was in the upper 'normal' BMI range. It F***ing sucks. You wanting to lose weight or get healthy is good if you're doing if for YOU. But this guy? This guy who is 'sometimes' really great? Doesn't sound good enough to me. I know its so easy for me to say from the outside, having never met you, but really, you are worth soooo much more than this guy, and he does not deserve you if he makes you feel like rubbish.
Always gotta look out for 'number one'... and YOU are number one!!!!!6 -
kschwab0203 wrote: »I might get some *kitten* for this, but since leaving him is not a option...
What if you started treating him the exact way he treats you????
Call him names, belittle him, comment on his appearance and intellect...I doubt he'll like it much, but at least the playing field would be even.
I can't insult him because I feel terrible for doing it afterwards. The worst I have called him is an *kitten* and that happened once when he told me that he was glad that I was crying because of the way he was treating me. I have called him a horrible person various times but then he gets offended over it and I feel really bad. I'm not a person that insults someone else and puts them down, even if they do the same to me, it just doesn't feel right...0 -
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You're 5'8 and he want's you to be 120 lbs! That's RIDICULOUS! being your high and your current weight IS healthy. Unless you're looking to be lean and muscular, he can go find someone else, and you should go find someone who's first attracted to the person inside before the person they see on the outside (granted we all see first, but that's not the point).
The guy I'm seeing is a bodybuilder, I've never been with someone so dedicated to the gym or more sculpted and muscular than he is. He weighs 210 lbs and I weigh, as a competitive powerlifter, 220 lbs. (154 lbs. lean muscle). He's never ONCE said I should lose weight, and compliments my strength more than he compliments my curves, which he enjoys too.
The bottom line here, which so many other people have addressed, is that YOU need to be happy with yourself, and if he isn't okay with that, THAT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM, IT'S HIS, and either he accepts you for you are, or he needs to move on, or yourself.
I applaud you for losing weight, if that's a decision you've made for yourself, but it should never be a decision based on others, or society. If your boyfriend want's to encourage you to be stronger, healthier, for it's benefits, that's fine, however if he's doing it only because he likes a skinny mini for his girlfriend, that's messed up. Love the skin you're in.7 -
kschwab0203 wrote: »I might get some *kitten* for this, but since leaving him is not a option...
What if you started treating him the exact way he treats you????
Call him names, belittle him, comment on his appearance and intellect...I doubt he'll like it much, but at least the playing field would be even.
So do not recommend this. It may trigger him to physical abuse in order to regain control.12 -
ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
OP, I HAVE been in your exact situation, I was 17, it was my first serious relationship and I thought he was the greatest thing to ever cross my path.
....then he started "critiquing" me and my weight. It was little things at first, then progressively more and more. He claimed to have personality disorders as well, although I never actually checked that with a doctor, and that I just didn't understand because I was too dumb. OP, trust me on this. It will NOT get better, it will only get a lot, lot worse. No matter how much you love him, and I get it, it's really hard, it is NOT worth staying. If he is treating you like that, he does not love you. Get out of there while you can. Regardless of what he may say, you deserve someone WAY better than him and there are plenty of wonderful men out there that do not treat you like that. I know, I almost married my abusive ex but woke up to it just in time. Then, when I was 24, I married the most amazing, wonderful man who loved me at my absolute heaviest, is celebrating every little weight loss achievement with me because it makes ME happy, and loves me completely unconditionally. That's the kind of man you deserve. And they are out there. Don't settle for less than what you're worth.
How did you manage to get over it and do it? Was it difficult? (if you don't mind talking about it, of course)0 -
that is an abusive relationship, the only solution is to leave, sorry. i currently weigh 10 lbs more than my husband, i used to always weigh about 10 pounds less, but have gained, he has expressed once that he would not be as attracted to me if i gained much more weight, and even that comment was pushing it for me, but other then that he has been very supportive, but what your explaining is unhealthy, and not a good situation.2
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elliebrierleyz wrote: »kschwab0203 wrote: »I might get some *kitten* for this, but since leaving him is not a option...
What if you started treating him the exact way he treats you????
Call him names, belittle him, comment on his appearance and intellect...I doubt he'll like it much, but at least the playing field would be even.
I can't insult him because I feel terrible for doing it afterwards. The worst I have called him is an *kitten* and that happened once when he told me that he was glad that I was crying because of the way he was treating me. I have called him a horrible person various times but then he gets offended over it and I feel really bad. I'm not a person that insults someone else and puts them down, even if they do the same to me, it just doesn't feel right...
I'm serious, GTFO now. You might regret it for a day or two but you will be much happier.10 -
I feel like this is more of an attention seeking thread.8
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elliebrierleyz wrote: »kschwab0203 wrote: »I might get some *kitten* for this, but since leaving him is not a option...
What if you started treating him the exact way he treats you????
Call him names, belittle him, comment on his appearance and intellect...I doubt he'll like it much, but at least the playing field would be even.
I can't insult him because I feel terrible for doing it afterwards. The worst I have called him is an *kitten* and that happened once when he told me that he was glad that I was crying because of the way he was treating me. I have called him a horrible person various times but then he gets offended over it and I feel really bad. I'm not a person that insults someone else and puts them down, even if they do the same to me, it just doesn't feel right...
Gif aside....you need to get out. Someone who likes making you cry is not worth sticking around for, even if he has his 'good days'. That's just his way to getting you to stick around for more abuse.
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elliebrierleyz wrote: »kschwab0203 wrote: »I might get some *kitten* for this, but since leaving him is not a option...
What if you started treating him the exact way he treats you????
Call him names, belittle him, comment on his appearance and intellect...I doubt he'll like it much, but at least the playing field would be even.
I can't insult him because I feel terrible for doing it afterwards. The worst I have called him is an *kitten* and that happened once when he told me that he was glad that I was crying because of the way he was treating me. I have called him a horrible person various times but then he gets offended over it and I feel really bad. I'm not a person that insults someone else and puts them down, even if they do the same to me, it just doesn't feel right...
thats because its not right. you are a good person and you deserve to be treated right.
i like that you have come back to face all the comments been thrown at you here. you are stronger than you think to deal with this guy. I really wish you all the best
dont ever let anyone talk for you, not let you voice your own opinion and talk down for you, it will destroy you4 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »
Do it, it will not magically get better.
Either that or be miserable and unhappy the rest of your life, assuming he doesn't leave you behind later. Just pack up and go.3 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »OP, I'm genuinely curious, when you posted this, what sort of advice were you looking for? Because stating up front that you aren't interested in leaving him, you had to have known that was going to be the majority of the advice you would get. And if you knew that was the advice you'd get, then you must have at least considered this already, and decided you weren't willing to do that (whatever your reasons are). So what sort of advice did you hope for? Ways to humiliate him and make him feel as bad as he makes you? Ways to drop the weight quickly so you can achieve the perfect girlfriend body that he is hoping for? Because people aren't going to give you any of that sort of advice - so I'm failing to see what can happen here, other than just validation and sympathy? I not really big on that sort of thing, so I'm just going to suggest that you seek counseling and a backbone.
I am not exact sure what I'm looking for if I'm completely honest with you, I realise what the real solution is yet I am still not capable of coming to terms with it, I agree with you about growing a backbone, it is something I used to have but now I have become weak I guess. I'm not looking for sympathy, I am being desperate and trying to look for a solution that I'm beginning to think doesn't exist just to keep my relationship afloat, I don't want to give up on a person that I love so dearly. I'm sorry for annoying you all so much.
Don't apologize though. It happens to the best of us and it does take time to get to a place where you can really let go. Hopefully sooner rather than later... but feelings don't usually change in the blink of an eye, as much as we wish we could make them sometimes.
I have a friend who stayed in a relationship almost two years after she was really uncomfortable with how he made her feel. It got worse and worse. Many friends and family told her she needed to break up with him. He had a narcissistic personality disorder (their couples therapist diagnosed it). She finally managed to break up with him, even though it made her so sad. After she did, he decided it was a good idea to tell her he cheated on her 4 times. Just to make her feel worse. But I think she always knew he was a bad apple, but somehow allowed him to convince her it was all her fault. She is a very kind person who is also very intelligent. So it really happens to anyone!4 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »
I can absolutely 100% promise you it will not get better.
Sadly, it will only get worse.
You need an exit plan. Figure out now where you will go. Pack a bag and hide it somewhere so you can grab it and run. Get a bit of cash together. Please do this.8 -
I'm going to argue that one:
1. If he's already displaying this type of attitude telling him it hurts your feelings will most likely encourage it sadly. You've tried telling him this from what I've read. Once is more than enough.
2. This may be dangerous, it may encourage him (doubtful) or he may become violent to prove his strength.
3. Cheating on him sinks you to his level. If you are going to cheat leave.
4. You will never meet his requirements, just leave.
5. This one I can agree with fully. Also when you find someone better don't take out what this asshat did to you on them.
I would never cheat, I have seen the affects of cheating and I could never do that to anyone, no matter what the circumstances. Not only that but I don't think that I'm capable of trusting someone and getting close to them enough for that, I would also despise myself.
Also, concerning number 5, I would never treat anyone this way, similar treatment has happened to me in the past but it was my parent not my partner and it made me become the complete opposite of them.
Yes, telling him that he hurt my feelings encourages him sometimes but there are odd moments where I breakdown crying where he comforts me and cries himself and apologises, I don't get it..0 -
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OP I do commend you for coming back and having further discussions with people. You seem to know deep down what the right thing to do is. Yes, you are young, and this is your first serious relationship - but if you've been on your own since you were 15 then you are stronger than you realize.
Do you live with the boyfriend? Are you financially dependent on him in any way? Do you have a family or friends that you can rely on for support?1 -
You're young and you don't need that kind of crap in your life.2
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elliebrierleyz wrote: »
This is encouraging. I think you know this isn't healthy and you know it isn't going to "get better". I think you just need some encouragement to do what you know is good and right for you.
You are stronger than you know, it won't be easy, but it will definitely be worth it.3 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »
Then she needs to grow a pair and realize that things arent going to get better, and she needs to leave him. Simple as that. Feelings aside.4 -
Do what you feel in your heart. It is an incredibly difficult place to be, but you are strong. The fact that you have come on here and asked for advice makes you strong.
I hope you find the strength to do what is right for YOU.
My opinion? You seem like a lovely person who is being made to feel weak. No human being has the right to make someone else feel that way.3 -
Yeah, I definitely don't agree with the tit-for-tat thing. At its best, stooping to his level is never a solution, at worst it can aggravate the matter.
I get first love. I get not wanting to give up. I get wanting to fix it. I get seeing the good in someone, and loving the good times.
But this guy is abusive and manipulative. He's not just verbally abusive, he is deliberately undermining your self worth to keep you beholden to him. He manipulates you - the way he gets oh-so-hurt when you call him out for being an asshat? That's carefully contrived to make you feel bad so you don't call him out again, and make you want to do things to keep him happy.
Personality disorder only goes so far as an excuse. And he sounds like he is using it as an excuse to just keep behaving the same awful way he does. He sounds narcissistic, self centred and cruel.
Let me put this to you. You don't want to give up, you want to stay with him. What's down the track? Do you want kids? If so, are you going to be cool with him speaking to you like this when you're pregnant? Criticising you for swollen ankles and stretch marks? What about when you do have kids? Will you stand by as their mother while their dad tears them down?
Even without kids in the picture, he isn't going to change. He has no reason to. He can speak to you like this and you think that you're the problem and start looking for ways to fix it. He's already got you believing that you're the problem, when that's so far from the truth.
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elliebrierleyz wrote: »I'm going to argue that one:
1. If he's already displaying this type of attitude telling him it hurts your feelings will most likely encourage it sadly. You've tried telling him this from what I've read. Once is more than enough.
2. This may be dangerous, it may encourage him (doubtful) or he may become violent to prove his strength.
3. Cheating on him sinks you to his level. If you are going to cheat leave.
4. You will never meet his requirements, just leave.
5. This one I can agree with fully. Also when you find someone better don't take out what this asshat did to you on them.
I would never cheat, I have seen the affects of cheating and I could never do that to anyone, no matter what the circumstances. Not only that but I don't think that I'm capable of trusting someone and getting close to them enough for that, I would also despise myself.
Also, concerning number 5, I would never treat anyone this way, similar treatment has happened to me in the past but it was my parent not my partner and it made me become the complete opposite of them.
Yes, telling him that he hurt my feelings encourages him sometimes but there are odd moments where I breakdown crying where he comforts me and cries himself and apologises, I don't get it..
He needs professional help then, not you being the brunt of his abuse. Without knowing him personally I'd still say get out. Don't explain, don't say goodbye, just go. Have your exit plan in place and go. He is not going to get better because you love him.4 -
Therealobi1 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »kschwab0203 wrote: »I might get some *kitten* for this, but since leaving him is not a option...
What if you started treating him the exact way he treats you????
Call him names, belittle him, comment on his appearance and intellect...I doubt he'll like it much, but at least the playing field would be even.
I can't insult him because I feel terrible for doing it afterwards. The worst I have called him is an *kitten* and that happened once when he told me that he was glad that I was crying because of the way he was treating me. I have called him a horrible person various times but then he gets offended over it and I feel really bad. I'm not a person that insults someone else and puts them down, even if they do the same to me, it just doesn't feel right...
thats because its not right. you are a good person and you deserve to be treated right.
i like that you have come back to face all the comments been thrown at you here. you are stronger than you think to deal with this guy. I really wish you all the best
dont ever let anyone talk for you, not let you voice your own opinion and talk down for you, it will destroy you
I knew that I was going to get judged a lot by posting this but everyone is right about it, I know that, some are just more harsh than others with wording it. I would react the same as everyone else here had it been someone else in my shoes, however, it isn't.
When it comes to subjects that I'm not emotionally attached to I can be strong but I'm not actually a strong person, I'm weak, hopefully one day I'll teach myself how to be strong but I doubt that it will happen any time soon. Thank you for the kind comment, I think that one of the reasons I posted here is because I am trying to give myself a wake up call and seeing dozens of people saying the same thing is helping me I guess.
I hope that you have a nice day, you seem like a nice person too!
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I feel like this is more of an attention seeking thread.
And why do you think that? It could be argued that it is attention seeking, since I am asking for other people's opinions because I need them. I didn't ask them anything about myself though, I'm not seeking for reconfirmations, I'm seeking for the truth. I understand your perspective but please understand that I'm not here because of the attention.2 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »Therealobi1 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »kschwab0203 wrote: »I might get some *kitten* for this, but since leaving him is not a option...
What if you started treating him the exact way he treats you????
Call him names, belittle him, comment on his appearance and intellect...I doubt he'll like it much, but at least the playing field would be even.
I can't insult him because I feel terrible for doing it afterwards. The worst I have called him is an *kitten* and that happened once when he told me that he was glad that I was crying because of the way he was treating me. I have called him a horrible person various times but then he gets offended over it and I feel really bad. I'm not a person that insults someone else and puts them down, even if they do the same to me, it just doesn't feel right...
thats because its not right. you are a good person and you deserve to be treated right.
i like that you have come back to face all the comments been thrown at you here. you are stronger than you think to deal with this guy. I really wish you all the best
dont ever let anyone talk for you, not let you voice your own opinion and talk down for you, it will destroy you
I knew that I was going to get judged a lot by posting this but everyone is right about it, I know that, some are just more harsh than others with wording it. I would react the same as everyone else here had it been someone else in my shoes, however, it isn't.
When it comes to subjects that I'm not emotionally attached to I can be strong but I'm not actually a strong person, I'm weak, hopefully one day I'll teach myself how to be strong but I doubt that it will happen any time soon. Thank you for the kind comment, I think that one of the reasons I posted here is because I am trying to give myself a wake up call and seeing dozens of people saying the same thing is helping me I guess.
I hope that you have a nice day, you seem like a nice person too!
I may be coming across as harsh lass just because sometimes people need a kick in the rear to get moving. No excuses, you can be as strong as you want to be. It's your choice, but you will survive and be a better person for it if you get out now.2 -
samanthaluangphixay wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »kschwab0203 wrote: »I might get some *kitten* for this, but since leaving him is not a option...
What if you started treating him the exact way he treats you????
Call him names, belittle him, comment on his appearance and intellect...I doubt he'll like it much, but at least the playing field would be even.
I can't insult him because I feel terrible for doing it afterwards. The worst I have called him is an *kitten* and that happened once when he told me that he was glad that I was crying because of the way he was treating me. I have called him a horrible person various times but then he gets offended over it and I feel really bad. I'm not a person that insults someone else and puts them down, even if they do the same to me, it just doesn't feel right...
Gif aside....you need to get out. Someone who likes making you cry is not worth sticking around for, even if he has his 'good days'. That's just his way to getting you to stick around for more abuse.
The sad thing is that I realise this, my instincts tell me this and I realise that I'm trapped in an unhealthy cycle yet I can't bring myself to leave, I'm trying to find an easy way to fix all of this.0 -
elliebrierleyz wrote: »samanthaluangphixay wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »kschwab0203 wrote: »I might get some *kitten* for this, but since leaving him is not a option...
What if you started treating him the exact way he treats you????
Call him names, belittle him, comment on his appearance and intellect...I doubt he'll like it much, but at least the playing field would be even.
I can't insult him because I feel terrible for doing it afterwards. The worst I have called him is an *kitten* and that happened once when he told me that he was glad that I was crying because of the way he was treating me. I have called him a horrible person various times but then he gets offended over it and I feel really bad. I'm not a person that insults someone else and puts them down, even if they do the same to me, it just doesn't feel right...
Gif aside....you need to get out. Someone who likes making you cry is not worth sticking around for, even if he has his 'good days'. That's just his way to getting you to stick around for more abuse.
The sad thing is that I realise this, my instincts tell me this and I realise that I'm trapped in an unhealthy cycle yet I can't bring myself to leave, I'm trying to find an easy way to fix all of this.
The "easy" fix is to leave no trail. It's not easy but it is the fix. Nothing else will fix this.7
This discussion has been closed.
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