Boyfriends standards of weight?
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What everyone has already said....lose the dead weight aka boyfriend, cause wow....
You do you, but there's a fine line between encouraging and supportive to well...whatever the hell your boyfriend is being.0 -
You deserve better, get out wile you can.2
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This kind of thread always sickens me...literally gives me nausea. The answer is so patently obvious, yet the OP and everyone else will go around, and around, and around, with all kinds of philosophical BS and Dr. Phil pablum. Every once in a while, one of us will strike it right on the head: GET OUT! and OP will argue the point.
The fact that OP is willing to accept such treatment from another human being already points to a situation that will take years of therapy to resolve. Start now.
Good Luck!5 -
Hi guys!
I have a slight problem here, I started losing weight a week ago because I weighed myself in front of my boyfriend for the same time and I weighed 66.4kg while he weighed 70kg.
He instantly started complaining about how he doesn't want his girlfriend to weigh nearly as much as him and how he wants me to weigh less. This is the first time he has ever said anything negative about my weight, I'm 5'8" and slightly chubby. However, I had been thinking about losing a bit of weight for some time so I allowed him to say that and reduced my calories, started eating healthy and exercising.
Ever since then all he does everyday is tell me that I'm still fat and need to lose more (I'm not fat, I'm chubby, my BMI is healthy and I'm a size 10/12).
Whenever I tell him that I'm cooking he tells me to watch what I eat, I just informed him that I lost two kilograms in a week and he told me that I need to lose at least 10? We have been in a relationship for 2 years and meanwhile his standards are really high to the point of being unfair, they never have physically.
I feel as if when I get the body I want I will resent him for only being attractive to such a slim body, he said that it's a "fair exchange" because he has a "hot" body???
While his body is nice, he has a normal body, nothing extraordinary and I felt quite offended by it.
How do I get over this problem? It's really bugging me. Oh, he also gets like this with other things such as my intelligence, calling me a retard, idiot,etc.
How should I solve all of this?
(No, I don't want to leave him, sorry)
You NEED to leave him and his abuse. If you don't want to leave him, then don't post on this site complaining about what he says. if you want to be in an abusive relationship, don't complain on a public site.1 -
You get over the problem by leaving him, NEVER stay with someone who insults you or puts you down like he is!!! Obviously this is not love, and he is a loser!!!0
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Dump.0
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Personality disorder you say? Cluster b i take it, aka aspd or psychopathy. Pretty sure you know what a psychopath is. Also under this is narcissism.
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Posted before i finished... These people get a kick out of your pain, he's lying to you when he says he doesn't mean to hurt you.3
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Chef_Barbell wrote: »How old are you OP?
A beautiful age of 18, somewhat immature compared to the rest of you with no experience of life whatsoever, just trying to find ways to solve things and failing miserably. It's weird to think that other people pass through things like this and get over it. I have been living on my own since I was 15 so I might have slightly more experience than the average 18 year old but not by much. I know that it makes everything clearer to most of the people commenting because you're older and understand more but to me this is extremely complicated and terrifying.
Hey OP... can you try a simple experiment that will show you how "acceptable" his behavior is, disorder or not? I want you to quote him to himself... I.e. call him a retard, an idiot. Tell him you dont want a boyfriend who is skinny. Use his exact words if possible, and tone of voice.
How does he react? Does he become quiet and "say, oh ok"? Or does he get angry with you and tell you off?
So.... my guess is the latter... he is not going to tolerate it. In fact, my guess is that if you try that more than once, he will dump YOU. (which will show you exactly how disposable you are to him, and why you hanging on to him to "work through it" is not a good thing in this case).
Which should prove to you, once and for all, that these words are not appropriate in a relationship. Regardless of who says them. If they are not appropriate to say to him, they are not appropriate to say to you.
That, there, is all the "life experience" you need in this situation. There are not separate rules for how adults treat each other in a relationship. If it is not acceptable for one, it is not acceptable for the other.4 -
You should tell your boyfriend that he should gain some weight if he wants to look anything like a man... Let's see how that makes him feel!
Seriously though... You're far from fat at the weight you are. My husband is beside me and can't believe that he said something like that. He said if he knew him he'd punch him in the face for being so disrespectful to a woman.
For being so immature and superficial, he's definitely not a man, more like a boy.
I was a hot little thing when I met my husband, and two kids later and 60lbs heavier, my husband still makes me feel hot. He always supports me, whether I want to lose weight OR NOT. He cares that I am happy. If that means I want to lose weight, then fine. But it isn't a prerequisite for his love or appreciation.
I have been in a similar abusive relationship that lasted 5 years before meeting my husband, and that guy made the exact sort of comments your bf has. All I can say is that it only gets worse, and you will never feel like you're good enough.
There is NO WAY that this is acceptable. Lose the weight (and do it for yourself, not for anyone else), and ditch the guy. He doesn't deserve you, now or when you have lost the weight. Good luck oxox2 -
Dump him. Fast.0
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Leave him!0
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I know you don't want to leave him, but I have to suggest you seriously question why you are staying. Emotional abuse can be hard to recognize as abuse because "at least he doesn't hit", but words can be just as damaging. They wound you internally in ways that can take years to heal. And that emotional damage can cause a lot of physical pain. I'm guessing that you telling him how his words hurt doesn't matter - that's somehow all your fault as well - you're too sensitive. You could lose the weight and there will still be something else wrong - there always is. And it's always your fault. That's a narcissist. I was married to one for 14 years and I'm still healing from it 4 years later. He was amazing in the beginning and we had kids by the time he showed his true colors. His behavior will likely get worse, and then when he's had enough or you start to figure him out, he'll likely leave. Sorry this got of topic a little, but at the end of the day, you need to take care of you! Please take care of you.2
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NEVER be fooled by someone's tears or theatrics! I've had a habit of being played time and time again by someone's tears!(exs and family) I found my ex texting other girls and you know what happened? He cried and I COMFORTED him! wtf!!! This happened a few more times and I made myself sick trying to make that relationship work. I was 18 when I met him too. I stayed too long hoping it would "get better", that I wasn't putting enough effort into the relationship and I was like "other girls" and this wasn't "young love" it was REAL and mature. It wasn't. For him. It was for me but a relationship isn't something you do alone. When you leave, do it in public or bring a friend that is at least waiting outside. I will tell you know, he WILL cry. (if he doesn't go the violent route, he may do both) He'll compliment you to no end. he'll tell you how in love with you he is. He'll promise to do better. I went back a whole 6 hours after leaving him. Wasted yet another 6 months of my life waiting for him to make it up to me. It got better, for a month or two. Then things escalated. He started tearing me down more, playing on any insecurity I had. One day when he took me to work he waited for me to take off my seat belt before slamming on the breaks so I'd hit myself on the dash. He eventually confessed to cheating on me and that was the last straw for me. I left for good. He'd show up on my porch later crying, he even proposed to me. I stood firm and told him to get lost, time and time again bc he always came back. It's been almost 5 years and he still texts me with apologies. Just cut him off now. Don't talk to him. Don't think you can still be friends. I wasted more of my time thinking we could be friends. He'll always be trying to work some angle out to get you under his thumb again. You're a nice, intelligent girl. But you're gullible. I think most of us are. Also, don't ever let someone tell you that a measly 3 years is such a huge well of experience. It's 3 years, not ten. Not twenty. The quality of experience also depends on the person. I know people 20 years older than I who don't know anything about life.5
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@Leaz947 If you come to the realization that this relationship is not going to work, that he is abusing you and you deserve better, there are groups out there that will help women in abusive relationships leave the relationship. They will help you plan how to leave safely, connect you to resources that will help you, and occasionally even offer classes in skills. They are usually non-profit and will assist you for free. Look up women's shelters or domestic abuse hot lines.
I was in an abusive relationship like yours when I was your age. At first he was wonderful, then he started being mean saying things like I was too fat, too ugly and such. He started cheating on me and blaming me for it. I lost the weight (60 pounds) It didn't make him love me anymore. He then started getting physical, he hit me a couple of times, dragged me through the streets by my arm. (Still don't have full use of it) It is a hard place to be. The cops were called, he ended up in jail, and our relationship ended. It was probably one of the hardest times in my life. I learned that I deserve better, that people I thought had abandoned me, were still there just waiting for me, that there are great men out there who will treat you like their Queen.1 -
...is this a troll? I can't imagine being with someone who would criticize my weight, let alone make comments about my intelligence.1
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YOU. DESERVE. BETTER!!!0
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Chef_Barbell wrote: »How old are you OP?
A beautiful age of 18, somewhat immature compared to the rest of you with no experience of life whatsoever, just trying to find ways to solve things and failing miserably. It's weird to think that other people pass through things like this and get over it. I have been living on my own since I was 15 so I might have slightly more experience than the average 18 year old but not by much. I know that it makes everything clearer to most of the people commenting because you're older and understand more but to me this is extremely complicated and terrifying.
Hey OP... can you try a simple experiment that will show you how "acceptable" his behavior is, disorder or not? I want you to quote him to himself... I.e. call him a retard, an idiot. Tell him you dont want a boyfriend who is skinny. Use his exact words if possible, and tone of voice.
How does he react? Does he become quiet and "say, oh ok"? Or does he get angry with you and tell you off?
Or does he turn around and beat the crap out of you?
OP: Please disregard this dangerous advice.
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I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.[/quote]
it is not that hard to say "F*** Y*** and the horse you rode in on". i SERIOUSLY doubt your parents raised you to take this crap from a man.2 -
WinoGelato wrote: »OP, I'm genuinely curious, when you posted this, what sort of advice were you looking for? Because stating up front that you aren't interested in leaving him, you had to have known that was going to be the majority of the advice you would get. And if you knew that was the advice you'd get, then you must have at least considered this already, and decided you weren't willing to do that (whatever your reasons are). So what sort of advice did you hope for? Ways to humiliate him and make him feel as bad as he makes you? Ways to drop the weight quickly so you can achieve the perfect girlfriend body that he is hoping for? Because people aren't going to give you any of that sort of advice - so I'm failing to see what can happen here, other than just validation and sympathy? I not really big on that sort of thing, so I'm just going to suggest that you seek counseling and a backbone.
I am not exact sure what I'm looking for if I'm completely honest with you, I realise what the real solution is yet I am still not capable of coming to terms with it, I agree with you about growing a backbone, it is something I used to have but now I have become weak I guess. I'm not looking for sympathy, I am being desperate and trying to look for a solution that I'm beginning to think doesn't exist just to keep my relationship afloat, I don't want to give up on a person that I love so dearly. I'm sorry for annoying you all so much.
No 1 loves an abuser, you're mistaking love; with Stockholm Syndrome! Get out of this mindset & away from him, before he potentially begins getting physical; with you!4 -
Well I think almost every preceding post has suggested what you should do and they are correct. All I will add is this:
He is behaving this way about your weight, which is healthy and it sounds like his driver is more about how you compare to him than whether or not you are healthy. However, and a few people have touched on this, the warning signs for the future are all there.
From what you say, if real and if you're genuinely looking for help, this guy will always criticize you. It may be about your weight now, or about how he perceives you as being stupid, but they are just aspects of the same problem (him).
You need to understand right now, down to the very bottom of your soul, that this guy will always treat you like *kitten*. There will always be something he picks on you about, and not because it is true but because the only way he can feel better about himself is by putting you down - and I suspect probably other people. Even if you lost weight to some silly number like 120lbs he will just pick another issue or aspect to criticize you on.
You can choose to stay with him as you wish, that is very much the wrong choice, but understand that there is absolutely nothing you can do that will stop him behaving like this, what you describe is symptomatic of someone who gets off on abusing other people. The issue is with him and not you, and I echo everyone else in saying that you need to leave him and GTFO because he will make your life miserable, there is no fix.1 -
Why? I left home at 15 due to an untenable situation with my parents, and I was the most naive person on the planet at that time. I also made a few bad partner choices out of desperation as much as innocence and inexperience.
Having walked her walk (I'm now in my 60's) her situation rings true to me.3 -
WinoGelato wrote: »OP, I'm genuinely curious, when you posted this, what sort of advice were you looking for? Because stating up front that you aren't interested in leaving him, you had to have known that was going to be the majority of the advice you would get. And if you knew that was the advice you'd get, then you must have at least considered this already, and decided you weren't willing to do that (whatever your reasons are). So what sort of advice did you hope for? Ways to humiliate him and make him feel as bad as he makes you? Ways to drop the weight quickly so you can achieve the perfect girlfriend body that he is hoping for? Because people aren't going to give you any of that sort of advice - so I'm failing to see what can happen here, other than just validation and sympathy? I not really big on that sort of thing, so I'm just going to suggest that you seek counseling and a backbone.
I am not exact sure what I'm looking for if I'm completely honest with you, I realise what the real solution is yet I am still not capable of coming to terms with it, I agree with you about growing a backbone, it is something I used to have but now I have become weak I guess. I'm not looking for sympathy, I am being desperate and trying to look for a solution that I'm beginning to think doesn't exist just to keep my relationship afloat, I don't want to give up on a person that I love so dearly. I'm sorry for annoying you all so much.
The only person you shouldn't be giving up on is yourself. Please get out of there before the abuse becomes physical.1 -
Yes, I was 15, officially I didn't live on my own, I supposedly lived with my mother but I moved out because she was verbally abusive and it became physical. I lived at a friends house for a couple of weeks and then managed to move country soon after.0 -
Just from what you have said I can tell you this person does not love you, I think he doesn't even like you very much. So you love him dearly, so what? What does that mean? Does that mean you have to spend your precious love on someone who can so easily disregard your feelings? Btw the fact that you put up with it sends a signal, not only to him, but to everyone that you accept to be disrespected and abused. Stop this now. Stop this before you can not get out relatively free.
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My dear, if you want to solve this, you must leave him. If you want to stay, resign yourself to the fact you're involved with a controlling, abusive jerk.0
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If you are in the Uk, can I offer my '*kitten*-kicking' services? It is a bit of a konundrum as you should blatently get rid of him but you say you won't. In which case - get him under the thumb stat and don't be taking *kitten* from him
I am actually currently in the UK haha, thank you. I'm going to try and approach the matter the next time I see him in person as he is currently on a business trip. Wish me luck
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Sounds like a total tool to me. Can't even imagine what it would be like if you married him. Ugghhh, run away NOW.
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Yes, I was 15, officially I didn't live on my own, I supposedly lived with my mother but I moved out because she was verbally abusive and it became physical. I lived at a friends house for a couple of weeks and then managed to move country soon after.
Don't you see the connection between your Mother & your Boyfriend? Both abusive, you left 1; so leave the other & since you chose to be with a male version of your Mother, possibly take some time away from dating & get counselling, so that you cease continuing to allow toxic people; in your life! Otherwise you'll just continue the cycle, of leaving 1 abuser for another; until 1 of them ensures that you're unable to leave them alive!15 -
If you are in the Uk, can I offer my '*kitten*-kicking' services? It is a bit of a konundrum as you should blatently get rid of him but you say you won't. In which case - get him under the thumb stat and don't be taking *kitten* from him
I am actually currently in the UK haha, thank you. I'm going to try and approach the matter the next time I see him in person as he is currently on a business trip. Wish me luck
I DO hope you are able to get some peace, however that may be. I just wanted to say that it's ok if you don't understand his mental illness and it's ok to not want to deal with them for the rest of YOUR life. Even if you love someone you can't give up your life, yourself, and your happiness for them. Sometimes it's best just to let go instead of rationalizing that he has issues. It's up to HIM to fix himself. I do wish you good luck!3
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