Boyfriends standards of weight?
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Dump him until he's perfect weight and shape. And yes, if he really loved you, it wouldn't matter if you were chubby.0
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OP if you won't listen to women here that have been in similar situations, listen to the men. There are real men who don't belittle and control out there and these men are telling you this behavior from your bf is not right.6
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ummm sine when is 5'8" and 145lbs chubby? compared to high fashion models? and that was your start weight right? this has to be a spoof thread - please tell me.....1
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Yeah, there's really no excuse for this kind of treatment. If you're not willing to leave, you're going to suffer. He WON'T change, and you shouldn't HAVE to.0
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If someone treats you like that before you are even married (not that it is OK after you are married either), you really need to take a long hard look at the relationship. If he can't love you unconditionally for who you are now - inside and outside - you shouldn't be with him - period. I am not a believer in trying to change who someone is. It generally doesn't work out in either person's favor. You take someone as they are or move on.5
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It's not you who needs to get over this problem. It's him. The best way for him to get over this is to find himself devoted to solitude and reflection. Leave now.2
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It is very sad that so many who grow up in abusive homes then turn around and end up in abusive relationships. But, it is a common pattern.
OP, stop trying to make it work. Abusers don't stop because those they abuse want them to. You can't fix it, and he won't get better as long as you're sitting there and taking it and won't if you argue with him about it either.
If it helps, you leaving is the only way he might see the light and get himself some help, though I wouldn't hold my breath on that one.4 -
If you are in the Uk, can I offer my '*kitten*-kicking' services? It is a bit of a konundrum as you should blatently get rid of him but you say you won't. In which case - get him under the thumb stat and don't be taking *kitten* from him
I am actually currently in the UK haha, thank you. I'm going to try and approach the matter the next time I see him in person as he is currently on a business trip. Wish me luck
even if you talk to him chances are he will put all the blame on you because he will think what he is doing is "helping" you and not bashing you,he will probably try and get you to see things his way and he may cry,beg and plead or he may get offensive and name call and he abusive(this usually paves the way for physical abuse).people like this dont often change, for him most likely your feelings dont matter its what he wants and what he thinks is best for you that matters, its all about control0 -
Have you told him how much his remarks impact you? Perhaps start there and if he does not apologize and change his tune, then he is not worthy of your time.0
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Your BF is an idiot.4
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If you are in the Uk, can I offer my '*kitten*-kicking' services? It is a bit of a konundrum as you should blatently get rid of him but you say you won't. In which case - get him under the thumb stat and don't be taking *kitten* from him
I am actually currently in the UK haha, thank you. I'm going to try and approach the matter the next time I see him in person as he is currently on a business trip. Wish me luck
He's away on a business trip? This seems like the perfect opportunity for you to quietly exit - take your stuff, change your number, stay with a friend for a while, and get him out of your life!26 -
op, please look up the terms codependent and narcissist. they will probably explain a lot to you. it is very typical for a child raised by a narcissist (you mentioned having a parent like this) to become a codependent who then is attracted to a narcissist. (codependents and narcissists are the "perfect match" as they fill each others needs.) also, check out the book The Human Magnet Syndrome by Ross Rosenberg. he explains it very clearly. personally, no offense intended (i truly wish you the best) but i think you need to look into getting yourself therapy to figure out why you would allow yourself to be treated this way and stay in this relationship.0
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he needs to lighten up. I would tell my sons to lighten up. If I had daughters i would tell them not to put up with it.0
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murder him? that's not exactly leaving lol
but honestly, i could not be w/anyone who would say that to me!1 -
This "man" does not deserve a woman in his life.
Get out, OP. Get out now. You are well short of him.0 -
BrunetteRunner87 wrote: »...is this a troll? I can't imagine being with someone who would criticize my weight, let alone make comments about my intelligence.
No, just a young woman with no previous personal experience of what a healthy relationship looks like.
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Therealobi1 wrote: »have you tried defending yourself?
if so what happens
the only person who ever told me to lose weight was my nurse and that was annoying, but to be fair i was obese back then and blood pressure was high.
If I try to defend myself with anything else he tells me to stop debating and that he has more experience than what I do (because he is 3 years older than me). This is what he says with every single criticism and if I fight back he ignores me or tells me to *kitten* off. Beautiful, I know. The thing is that I recently found out that he has a couple of personality disorders which really explain everything to me but I feel bad about not understanding them.
That's what I told myself until the guy, after several months of verbal and psychological abuse, finally started physically abusing me, and actually threatened to kill me, while choking me to the point of having literally no air, which eventually led to the cops showing up, tasering him, and arresting him. Then I found out he had been cheating on me, gave me an STD (curable, thank God), and had stolen my identity which put me in such bad debt, I spent two years working three jobs to pay it off. I dropped out of school, lost the job I had at the time, destroyed my relationship with my family (including my dad who died months later), lost all my friends, and developed a drinking problem and other self-harm behaviors. All because I felt bad for him, and wanted to be supportive and understanding of his mental issues...which were BS, btw. His only mental issue was being a pathological liar, sociopath, and con artist. There's no therapy and medication for evil.
You think, "that's different." It's not. He has you brainwashed. I just hope you can see that someday. Looking back on those years, I have NO idea how I justified what he did to me for so long. The fact you even asked that question here, knowing what responses you would get, gives me hope that you will see that. Love alone is not a good enough reason to stay in an abusive situation. You can love, and be loved, without being treated horribly.
Get professional help, please. I hope you can learn to love yourself enough to walk away. Truly wishing you the best...
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This is a pretty sad read, like srsly end with "I don't want to leave him" like actually why?0
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littlechiaseed wrote: »This is a pretty sad read, like srsly end with "I don't want to leave him" like actually why?
Actually, I find this a very empowering thread. So many women have relayed their personal stories of pain and fear, strength and survival, all to help a stranger in need.12 -
As for how to get out of it, I strongly recommend a therapist. Think of a therapist as just an unbiased third party opinion by someone who has seen this situations over and over and over again. Someone who will not get frustrated with you. If you have a close friend or family you can rely on, let them know what's going on and that you want to leave. When I left, I stayed at a friend's most nights for a while, in case he came by my apartment to find me. You can also find resources for victims of domestic abuse online- even if he's not physically hurting you, he IS abusing you (and it can easily and quickly escalate)- hotlines and other resources can help point you in the direction and give you professional advice. (Btw, I'm not a fan of the word "victim"- if you feel the same way, don't let that stop you, because it does NOT define you! It's okay to admit to being victimized, without labelling yourself as a victim.)
As for dealing with it emotionally, again, having a therapist is a huge help (but if you don't have access to one for whatever reason, again, just Google resources for domestic abuse). Friends and family are great, and it's important to keep your relationships with them going, but it's hard to understand a situation like this unless you've been in it or have professional training, so friends and family with the best intentions can sometimes get frustrated and just not understand why you're upset about leaving such a jerk.
Also, stay busy. Make plans with friends, pick up a hobby, volunteer at an animal shelter or somewhere else, etc. Do NOT coop yourself up in your house and isolate yourself from the world.
Wishing you the best, girl. *hug*4 -
Wow, hun this guy is really f***Ing with your head.... THAT IS NOT OK... please please reconsider this relationship NOW before it gets worse... this is just a slippery slope... he is trying to demean you to gain power over you, if you lost the "weight" he would just exercise that control in another way...I have been there 3 times in my life and the recovery from these relationships is so hard... please please take on board what these people are telling you... There are beautiful men out there that will love YOU!!! you are not a sex toy, you are a human with a heart and mind, this makes me so angry!!! There will be other things about this relationship that will be hurting you also... no one can be such an *kitten* in ONE area... write a list, get your emotions on paper... pro and cons... you will see this guy is not for you. best wishes....
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also this is a MASSIVE problem not a "slight problem"
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to the OP, did you write to dear abby, by any chance? tonight's first letter sounds almost exactly the same - and she gave you the same advice the rest of us did
http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2016/11/9/boyfriend-consumed-by-video-games-reveals3 -
itsbasschick wrote: »to the OP, did you write to dear abby, by any chance? tonight's first letter sounds almost exactly the same - and she gave you the same advice the rest of us did
http://www.uexpress.com/dearabby/2016/11/9/boyfriend-consumed-by-video-games-reveals
No, I didn't write about this anywhere else. It's creepy that it's so similar though.0 -
TannedTiger wrote: »all these men and women here talking smack about the boyfriend, why don't you pick a gf or bf who is over weight.
A lot of members have talked about being with their partners when they were overweight and their partners loving them through all their sizes. I'm quite certain it goes both ways.
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TannedTiger wrote: »all these men and women here talking smack about the boyfriend, why don't you pick a gf or bf who is over weight.
I know you're trolling, but this thread isn't the place to pull that crap. 1) The OP is a healthy weight and doesn't need anyone reinforcing the BS her a$$hat boyfriend told her, and 2) this is a potentially dangerous situation that shouldn't be taken lightly.4 -
TannedTiger wrote: »all these men and women here talking smack about the boyfriend, why don't you pick a gf or bf who is over weight.
Or one that doesn't abuse you. This is well past a weight issue. SMH.1 -
OP you should read chicken soup for the teenage soul. That book full of stories about young girls like you who get called whale and elephant. Basically, you are just one step away from an ED with a guy like that0
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How do I get over this problem? It's really bugging me. Oh, he also gets like this with other things such as my intelligence, calling me a retard, idiot,etc.
How should I solve all of this?
(No, I don't want to leave him, sorry)
DTMFA - look it up. You deserve better because no one deserves this.
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I am actually currently in the UK haha, thank you. I'm going to try and approach the matter the next time I see him in person as he is currently on a business trip. Wish me luck[/quote]
This thread is still going strong, I see. I was hoping to come back after a few days to see the OP say "I did it!" Cue fireworks and rainbows. Guess I'll have to keep waiting. Good luck!3
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