Boyfriends standards of weight?
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You have a choice OP, learn the hard way and regret it or listen to the 10 pages of advice you've gotten and GTFO. For *kittens* sake leave now, not months from now. It will not get better.1
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I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
it is not that hard to say "F*** Y*** and the horse you rode in on". i SERIOUSLY doubt your parents raised you to take this crap from a man. [/quote]
Straight to the point!
But I kinda think she did come from some type of dysfunction in the family and this feels like love to her. No one who loves themselves would put up with this *kitten*...0 -
Hi guys! I spoke to him over text about it slightly (I already have done before) and he said that he will treat me however I want when I stop being lazy and when he can mold me into want he wants.
The molding into what he wants thing started about 4 months ago and is really hard, he says that I'm not putting any effort into us and that I'm selfish and have a small brain just because I don't have knowledge about the world (he is extremely intelligent) he wants me to learn how things work and what things are and I do sometimes but not everyday, I don't want to spend everyday talking about quantum physics, sometimes I just want to relax and talk about nothing or simple things.
Anyways, to put it simple 3 months ago he started telling me to stop debating things, two months ago he started to tell me that I am not allowed to speak until he is finished and that my opinion isn't valid and whenever I do it he ignores me and walk it of the room or ends the call if we are in a call. If I try to defend myself he calls me a *kitten* and big mouthed and that he doesn't want to be with someone like me yet I can't bring myself to leave him because, despite all this, I hope that he can get better and become who he once was...Does anyone recommend what I can do? Is therapy the only way?
If this is true, then it's textbook standard abuse.
Just leave. Now while you can. It's been getting worse and will continue to get worse. It is not possible to please someone like this, he doesn't want that. He wants excuses to belittle and control you, that's all. You don't understand it because it doesn't make sense. If he had a robot that did everything he asked he'd still not be satisfied. He does not know how.
Leave. Before it becomes physical.4 -
OP, have you ever worn shoes that were just a little too small for you cause you liked the way they looked, or they were a great deal, or they made your legs look amazing? You kept wearing these shoes thinking they will stretch enough and be more comfortable.
Your BF is that shoe.
And you know what...all that happens when you keeping wearing these shoes are corns, bunions, ugly feet and pain and none of it will go away until you stop wearing the shoes.
You keep twisting yourself into a form pleasing to him, yet you are the one in pain, a pain that will never go away until you get rid of the source.15 -
mysteps2beauty wrote: »OP, have you ever worn shoes that were just a little too small for you cause you liked the way they looked, or they were a great deal, or they made your legs look amazing? You kept wearing these shoes thinking they will stretch enough and be more comfortable.
Your BF is that shoe.
And you know what...all that happens when you keeping wearing these shoes are corns, bunions, ugly feet and pain and none of it will go away until you stop wearing the shoes.
You keep twisting yourself into a form pleasing to him, yet you are the one in pain, a pain that will never go away until you get rid of the source.
And even worse - guys like this are never satisfied. If you manage to satisfy his requirements today, they'll get more stringent in the future.
To keep the shoe analogy, think of it like the binding they used to do to girls' feet in China. They ended up with lifelong disabilities and malformed feet. That will be you if you stay - but it'll be your mental and emotional well-being that will be disabled.6 -
Its because your boyfriend is a BOY, not a MAN. when he grows up and matures he will stop being so stupid.
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shredcamps wrote: »Its because your boyfriend is a BOY, not a MAN. when he grows up and matures he will stop being so stupid.
Sadly, from what OP has stated throughout the thread, her boyfriend is displaying alarming and classic signs of abuse. People don't just "grow out of" that - it tends to only get worse.5 -
Alyssa_Is_LosingIt wrote: »shredcamps wrote: »Its because your boyfriend is a BOY, not a MAN. when he grows up and matures he will stop being so stupid.
Sadly, from what OP has stated throughout the thread, her boyfriend is displaying alarming and classic signs of abuse. People don't just "grow out of" that - it tends to only get worse.
It does. but she does not have to be part of that. and his next gf could perhaps be as nasty as he is0 -
OP, you need to look up the meaning of Sociopath...scary stuff.
Dig deep and find the strength to leave him otherwise you will lose yourself.1 -
shredcamps wrote: »Alyssa_Is_LosingIt wrote: »shredcamps wrote: »Its because your boyfriend is a BOY, not a MAN. when he grows up and matures he will stop being so stupid.
Sadly, from what OP has stated throughout the thread, her boyfriend is displaying alarming and classic signs of abuse. People don't just "grow out of" that - it tends to only get worse.
It does. but she does not have to be part of that. and his next gf could perhaps be as nasty as he is
I was thinking too that if she "grew a pair" he might get his act together (take his meds) cause he would lose her if he didn't.0 -
shredcamps wrote: »Its because your boyfriend is a BOY, not a MAN. when he grows up and matures he will stop being so stupid.
I know many 5 year old boys who still know to treat people better than this. This creature is neither man, nor boy.0 -
I can't imagine this is real anymore.
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shredcamps wrote: »Its because your boyfriend is a BOY, not a MAN. when he grows up and matures he will stop being so stupid.
Plenty of 'men' are abusers, and this guy is too. It has nothing to do with the difference between a 'man' and a 'boy' and your idea that he will grow out of this is naive and disturbing.7 -
Derpy_Hooves wrote: »
There is also a good side to him and when I met him he was so fragile and broken and I'm scared that I'll hurt him, plus I don't like the thought of never seeing him again because he used to be the most wonderful person ever.
USED to be is the operative word. he is no longer the person he used to be,he doesnt go from fragile and broken to abuser,sounds like he suckered you in to be honest.hes not longer wonderful hes abusive and it wont go back to the way he was,hes changed whether he did that on his own or what caused it. heck for all you know he could have another person on the side and he just keeps you as a backup,. point is he cares NOTHING about you,he doesnt love you or he wouldnt treat you like this,he's told you your opinion doesnt matter,and you are basically nothing unless you conform to what he wants. DO you really want to spend the rest of your life with this loser? you think people are telling you these things for *kitten* and giggles? they arent, some have lived this way,they got out.get out before it gets worse.
God forbid you end up pregnant by this douche and he starts abusing you physically or gets jealous of the attention the baby is getting.would you want a child of yours to think its ok to act like this?do you want him to mold your child into what he is now? if you chose to stay you will have to be the one who has to deal with the consequences and you will wonder why you didnt listen to others.2 -
TannedTiger wrote: »all these men and women here talking smack about the boyfriend, why don't you pick a gf or bf who is over weight.
Huh?2 -
I won't tell you to leave him because you don't need anyone to tell you that. I will offer this - - swallow it . . . when the time comes that you no longer want to put up with him - you still won't need anyone to tell you anything.
Think of it as a growing process, there are things to be learned from what you are going through.0 -
Dump him
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Poop OP what a situation to be in, I've been there, he was 8 years older than me but very similar situation, highly manipulative, very intelligent, had had a bad time growing up, had mental health issues which he refused to get medical help for... I didn't even understand that it was abuse until I left, and I was with him for 6 years!
Like you do I blamed myself for the way he behaved (that's the manipulation part...), I could never discuss anything (that he'd done) with him without him getting upset and then I felt like it was my fault... You might be telling yourself the same things I did, that the pain of staying with him is easier than the heartbreak of breaking up with him/the pain you think you'll cause him by leaving. Or that if you leave him you'll end up in the same situation again so why bother. Or that you love him so hard that you'll stand by him nomatter what because you love the person he really is. I was optimistic and hoped (lied to myself) that somehow everything would be alright eventually. Nobody telling me to leave him made me leave in the end. I just realised that nomatter what I did that things would NEVER change, that I'd never be able to improve the situation, nomayter how hard I loved him/cared.
I had no backup plan - I slept in my car that night! I'd agree with others about changing/blocking your email/number/social media if (when) you reach this point,because otherwise things will probably become harassment city. (Certainly did for me - I was stupidly still trying to be kind to him and still apologising and feeling awful guilt about what I'd done).
Whoops realise I'm rambling a bit here, sorry all!! Wasnt meant to be an essay!!!
Anyways, of course I hope you leave him but nobody can tell you that. You sound like a good and kind person and he is taking advantage of that. You're not immature, you're not stupid. You are NOT responsible for the way he behaves. And I am sorry, but no matter how hard you try you can NOT fix him. I think deep down you probably know this already.
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I honestly hope this thread is fake, I really do.
If it's not fake, then please please seek help now, and get away from him ASAP.2 -
My ex did the same to me. He has gone.0
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Take a kick boxing class, and kick his azz! No seriously run away and don't look back.0
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firlena227 wrote: »Poop OP what a situation to be in, I've been there, he was 8 years older than me but very similar situation, highly manipulative, very intelligent, had had a bad time growing up, had mental health issues which he refused to get medical help for... I didn't even understand that it was abuse until I left, and I was with him for 6 years!
Like you do I blamed myself for the way he behaved (that's the manipulation part...), I could never discuss anything (that he'd done) with him without him getting upset and then I felt like it was my fault... You might be telling yourself the same things I did, that the pain of staying with him is easier than the heartbreak of breaking up with him/the pain you think you'll cause him by leaving. Or that if you leave him you'll end up in the same situation again so why bother. Or that you love him so hard that you'll stand by him nomatter what because you love the person he really is. I was optimistic and hoped (lied to myself) that somehow everything would be alright eventually. Nobody telling me to leave him made me leave in the end. I just realised that nomatter what I did that things would NEVER change, that I'd never be able to improve the situation, nomayter how hard I loved him/cared.
I had no backup plan - I slept in my car that night! I'd agree with others about changing/blocking your email/number/social media if (when) you reach this point,because otherwise things will probably become harassment city. (Certainly did for me - I was stupidly still trying to be kind to him and still apologising and feeling awful guilt about what I'd done).
Whoops realise I'm rambling a bit here, sorry all!! Wasnt meant to be an essay!!!
Anyways, of course I hope you leave him but nobody can tell you that. You sound like a good and kind person and he is taking advantage of that. You're not immature, you're not stupid. You are NOT responsible for the way he behaves. And I am sorry, but no matter how hard you try you can NOT fix him. I think deep down you probably know this already.
OP- read and reread this. You can learn from others that have gone through situations similar to yours.0 -
OP, just get out, the "crying broken" boy that you remember sounds so familiar, I had a boyfriend like that, that was the guy who controlled how I dressed, how long my hair was, had even told me how our children would be raised, what their names would be, and how much of the maternity/parental leave I would get to take. Guys like this don't want a partner, they want an object they can control.
As for you not wanting to talk about the same stuff he does, that's NORMAL! My husband and I don't have exactly the same interests, although we do share some similar ones. He's gotten used to me telling him that I need a break from hearing about the latest in the video game world or that no, I really don't need to come look at the latest spoiler card for MTG right now, I can see it later. Putting things the other way around however, he does tell me when he can't handle any more health and fitness news that I keep throwing at him. We both have space for our interests, we compromise, that's what being in a real relationship is about, the give and take. From what I read, he's the one doing all the taking in your relationship and that isn't healthy or sustainable.
Therapy isn't going to fix all your problems right now. It will help, but the biggest problem is the 70kg dead weight POS that's dragging you down. Kick his butt to the curb and don't look back. Staying with him to protect other girls from him isn't going to help, all it does is reinforce for him that what he's doing is ok and ITS NOT! I'm not going to lie, this is not the easy way out, but it is the best thing for you and your well-being. You're not alone here, I don't know what your situation is as far as friends and other support where you live right now but at the very least there is a supportive community here that you can lean on.
Run from this guy and don't look back. You are not some object to be molded into what your owner wants you to be, you are a unique, beautiful individual who deserves way better than the bull you're being fed by some loser who refuses to accept or acknowledge your value. If you need support, keep posting on this thread, or PM one of us, since some of us have openly said that we've been through this before and can at least offer moral support.3 -
I can't help but feel this is a troll. The OP has ignored every iota of help and advice.4
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I can't add a lot, seeing as this is such a black and white case of an abusive relationship. But, maybe I can help by describing what a non-abusive relationship is like.
I met my boyfriend when I weighed 245lbs. He fell in love with me at that weight, and he never even mentioned my size. I knew I was obese, but whenever I mentioned it he would say "I don't care what you weigh, as long as you're happy".
When I started losing weight he supported me entirely, but based on the fact it was making me happier to be smaller. He has continually said that even if I gained all the weight back, he loves me for my personality and not my weight. He is as proud to show me off today as he was 5 years ago when I weighed 95lbs more. I catch him looking at me sometimes and he doesn't even need to say anything, the love shows in his eyes.
THIS is what a healthy relationship is. It is based on mutual respect and kindness. You deserve this, and you will get it, as long as you leave this guy and look after yourself. The right person will come along in time, but your current partner is not him.
I have had my share of bad boyfriends, and they are NEVER worth wasting your time or endangering yourself. Get out while you can, and I hope you get into your dream university and have the life you deserve.10 -
I was married for 16 years in a bad relationship. You've been with him for 2--long enough that he feels like he's your normal, you don't know what you'd do without him. That's how I felt too. 16 years, 2 kids, a house, and a life. That's hard to split up. But when I was on my own, the relief, the realization I can just be and not have someone tearing me down, it was incredible. I instantly felt lighter. You deserve better. You deserve what I got. Please, please, do not put up with this. You know in your heart that it is wrong, but change is scary. Be brave. Friend me if you'd like, I'd love to see you do better.4
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YOU are not the problem no matter how much weight you lose he'll find something else to belittle you about-0
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firlena227 wrote: »Poop OP what a situation to be in, I've been there, he was 8 years older than me but very similar situation, highly manipulative, very intelligent, had had a bad time growing up, had mental health issues which he refused to get medical help for... I didn't even understand that it was abuse until I left, and I was with him for 6 years!
Lol whoops that's meant to say "poor" not "poop"!!! Freudian slip maybe!!2 -
trigden1991 wrote: »I can't help but feel this is a troll. The OP has ignored every iota of help and advice.
I don't really know how to prove it to you, this is about 0.1% of the total messages that are like this but just to see that I am being serious about this, and this is just over text. There are other reasons why I can't leave him too.
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