Boyfriends standards of weight?
Replies
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Wow. Just wow0
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Move your stuff out while he's gone. Talk later if you really want, but make it better for yourself now.
All he's going to do when you talk to him is to manipulate you more. There might be tears, but they won't be real. He might yell. He might hurt you. Just. Leave. Now. While he's on that "business" trip.5 -
Get rid of him altogether. You don't deserve this, honey.0
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1 Congrats on deciding to lose weight for yourself (before your boyfriend commented).
2 WELL DONE on the weight that you lost. That is awesome.
3 Keep on losing till you are happy with your weight.
4 Dump him and get someone better that will appreciate you.0 -
ypu should seek counseling to deal with your potential codependency and low self respect. i was in an abusive relationship and it DOES get better without him. you CANT change or deal with this, you accept the love you think you deserve.1
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If you marry this guy you will be stuck with him and I guarantee he won't get better. You can't DO anything to change him. If you are satisfied with the relationship this is what you will have. I weighed 251 pounds before I got my weight under control and my husband (married 42 years) told me he loved me just the way I was. That's a relationship worth working on. You can do better than a man who is as insecure as he is. Please reconsider.1
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OP- If you had a daughter in the future, would you let a man treat your daughter this way? If someone treated your best friend, your mother, any woman in your life would that be okay with you?
I would hope you would tell them to run and that's exactly what you should do. I work in the mental health field and having a disorder is no excuse to treat people like crap and settling for it only gives him license to continue. He is responsible for his actions and the consequences they come from- not you.
You say you stay for love but doing so is really an action of self-hate. Love yourself first and find someone who genuinely loves you. You don't treat things you love like garbage.2 -
Hi guys! I spoke to him over text about it slightly (I already have done before) and he said that he will treat me however I want when I stop being lazy and when he can mold me into want he wants.
The molding into what he wants thing started about 4 months ago and is really hard, he says that I'm not putting any effort into us and that I'm selfish and have a small brain just because I don't have knowledge about the world (he is extremely intelligent) he wants me to learn how things work and what things are and I do sometimes but not everyday, I don't want to spend everyday talking about quantum physics, sometimes I just want to relax and talk about nothing or simple things.
Anyways, to put it simple 3 months ago he started telling me to stop debating things, two months ago he started to tell me that I am not allowed to speak until he is finished and that my opinion isn't valid and whenever I do it he ignores me and walk it of the room or ends the call if we are in a call. If I try to defend myself he calls me a *kitten* and big mouthed and that he doesn't want to be with someone like me yet I can't bring myself to leave him because, despite all this, I hope that he can get better and become who he once was...Does anyone recommend what I can do? Is therapy the only way?0 -
beginforthelasttime16 wrote: »OP- If you had a daughter in the future, would you let a man treat your daughter this way? If someone treated your best friend, your mother, any woman in your life would that be okay with you?
I would hope you would tell them to run and that's exactly what you should do. I work in the mental health field and having a disorder is no excuse to treat people like crap and settling for it only gives him license to continue. He is responsible for his actions and the consequences they come from- not you.
You say you stay for love but doing so is really an action of self-hate. Love yourself first and find someone who genuinely loves you. You don't treat things you love like garbage.
My mother had a boyfriend like that when I was 12 and I stood up to him when he was screaming at her, didn't end well but the answer is no, I wouldn't let anyone treat anyone else like this, even a stranger.
The thing is that I'm not anyone else, I'm me, if you work in the mental field do you think that there is a possibility of me having a mental illness for not being able to break up with him? Of course you can't give a diagnosis, especially based on such little information.
Thank you for taking your time to read and respond, I'm so grateful for everyone's help
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Leave, and don't look back. This shows that the abuse is growing and will continue to grow. Therapy won't help, leaving will.
Don't tell him you are leaving, don't tell him where you are going, don't leave him any way to communicate with you. Don't talk to his besties and for the love of $diety DON'T THINK ABOUT GOING BACK!2 -
Derpy_Hooves wrote: »
There is also a good side to him and when I met him he was so fragile and broken and I'm scared that I'll hurt him, plus I don't like the thought of never seeing him again because he used to be the most wonderful person ever.0 -
cheryldumais wrote: »If you marry this guy you will be stuck with him and I guarantee he won't get better. You can't DO anything to change him. If you are satisfied with the relationship this is what you will have. I weighed 251 pounds before I got my weight under control and my husband (married 42 years) told me he loved me just the way I was. That's a relationship worth working on. You can do better than a man who is as insecure as he is. Please reconsider.
So many people are telling me of people like that, which sounds amazing but so much that it kind of seems unreal. I knlw that my current partner isn't the worst one out there and he doesn't physically harm me but what if I try and I end up with someone worse? I'm attached to him, I've been dating him for two years now..0 -
Derpy_Hooves wrote: »
There is also a good side to him and when I met him he was so fragile and broken and I'm scared that I'll hurt him, plus I don't like the thought of never seeing him again because he used to be the most wonderful person ever.
He's hurting you now and will continue to do so. He will find a new victim sadly and abuse her as well. LEAVE NOW4 -
Derpy_Hooves wrote: »
There is also a good side to him and when I met him he was so fragile and broken and I'm scared that I'll hurt him, plus I don't like the thought of never seeing him again because he used to be the most wonderful person ever.
He's hurting you now and will continue to do so. He will find a new victim sadly and abuse her as well. LEAVE NOW
I don't want another girl to end up in a relationship like this, isn't it better for me to stay so that someone else doesn't end up like this?0 -
Derpy_Hooves wrote: »
There is also a good side to him and when I met him he was so fragile and broken and I'm scared that I'll hurt him, plus I don't like the thought of never seeing him again because he used to be the most wonderful person ever.
He's hurting you now and will continue to do so. He will find a new victim sadly and abuse her as well. LEAVE NOW
I don't want another girl to end up in a relationship like this, isn't it better for me to stay so that someone else doesn't end up like this?
Self sacrifice on the altar of abuse does not a hero make. Sadly you can't protect others beyond recommending as many of the ladies here have done.4 -
1 Congrats on deciding to lose weight for yourself (before your boyfriend commented).
2 WELL DONE on the weight that you lost. That is awesome.
3 Keep on losing till you are happy with your weight.
4 Dump him and get someone better that will appreciate you.
Thank you a lot for the kind comment, I'll try to do step four when I have the courage. 0 -
Are you serious? I just can't anymore.7
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1 Congrats on deciding to lose weight for yourself (before your boyfriend commented).
2 WELL DONE on the weight that you lost. That is awesome.
3 Keep on losing till you are happy with your weight.
4 Dump him and get someone better that will appreciate you.
Thank you a lot for the kind comment, I'll try to do step four when I have the courage.
You will never find courage if you look for it. Courage comes from doing.8 -
Hi guys! I spoke to him over text about it slightly (I already have done before) and he said that he will treat me however I want when I stop being lazy and when he can mold me into want he wants.
The molding into what he wants thing started about 4 months ago and is really hard, he says that I'm not putting any effort into us and that I'm selfish and have a small brain just because I don't have knowledge about the world (he is extremely intelligent) he wants me to learn how things work and what things are and I do sometimes but not everyday, I don't want to spend everyday talking about quantum physics, sometimes I just want to relax and talk about nothing or simple things.
Anyways, to put it simple 3 months ago he started telling me to stop debating things, two months ago he started to tell me that I am not allowed to speak until he is finished and that my opinion isn't valid and whenever I do it he ignores me and walk it of the room or ends the call if we are in a call. If I try to defend myself he calls me a *kitten* and big mouthed and that he doesn't want to be with someone like me yet I can't bring myself to leave him because, despite all this, I hope that he can get better and become who he once was...Does anyone recommend what I can do? Is therapy the only way?
All of this bolded text spells trouble.
He is NOT going to change.
He has put you down more than once, insulting your looks and your intelligence. This is not what a healthy relationship is.
You need to get out. I still don't understand why you would want to stay if he continues to berate you like this.
As others have said, it WILL get better when you're not with him.
Everyone has recommended that you leave.
For the longest time, I thought 'moot point' was 'moo point' because of the joke in Friends. My boyfriend laughed and said 'Well, now you know'. But he didn't berate my intelligence and say I have a small brain.
He has been grooming you for further abuse.
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I am actually currently in the UK haha, thank you. I'm going to try and approach the matter the next time I see him in person as he is currently on a business trip. Wish me luck
This thread is still going strong, I see. I was hoping to come back after a few days to see the OP say "I did it!" Cue fireworks and rainbows. Guess I'll have to keep waiting. Good luck![/quote]
It might take months for me to do it if I'm completely honest with you, I really hate going out of my comfort zone and making decisions and that's a big one. I'll see how things go and if they don't turn into something better then I'll gather my courage to leave him...0 -
@Leaz947 obviously I'm not capable of Diagnosing you but I would say from personal experience that you might be experiencing some co-dependency and that is something you need to deal with on your own.... I've had to deal with this in my life and I am so much better for it
https://1solutionfocusedcoaching.com/2012/02/20/why-am-i-feeling-so-crazy-codependents-learning-from-their-narcissistic-partners/1 -
I am actually currently in the UK haha, thank you. I'm going to try and approach the matter the next time I see him in person as he is currently on a business trip. Wish me luck
This thread is still going strong, I see. I was hoping to come back after a few days to see the OP say "I did it!" Cue fireworks and rainbows. Guess I'll have to keep waiting. Good luck!
It might take months for me to do it if I'm completely honest with you, I really hate going out of my comfort zone and making decisions and that's a big one. I'll see how things go and if they don't turn into something better then I'll gather my courage to leave him...[/quote]
Do not wait months, go now.
Your "gathering courage" will mean further submission to him and what he wants, not you getting away. In 10 years you will look back with regret.2 -
It might take months for me to do it if I'm completely honest with you, I really hate going out of my comfort zone and making decisions and that's a big one. I'll see how things go and if they don't turn into something better then I'll gather my courage to leave him...
My God! You do need counseling and I'd suggest you get it quick. You're thinking of sacrificing your life for this guy? To save some future stranger? I think most other women would quickly send him packing and that's exactly what you should do. Not next week, not tomorrow, right this second. You seem to have no self esteem at all. You are not worthless - and there are guys out there who would love to have you the way you are and choose to be with you without having to mold you in to something they can live with.
Get out and start living life!
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Hi guys! I spoke to him over text about it slightly (I already have done before) and he said that he will treat me however I want when I stop being lazy and when he can mold me into want he wants.
The molding into what he wants thing started about 4 months ago and is really hard, he says that I'm not putting any effort into us and that I'm selfish and have a small brain just because I don't have knowledge about the world (he is extremely intelligent) he wants me to learn how things work and what things are and I do sometimes but not everyday, I don't want to spend everyday talking about quantum physics, sometimes I just want to relax and talk about nothing or simple things.
Anyways, to put it simple 3 months ago he started telling me to stop debating things, two months ago he started to tell me that I am not allowed to speak until he is finished and that my opinion isn't valid and whenever I do it he ignores me and walk it of the room or ends the call if we are in a call. If I try to defend myself he calls me a *kitten* and big mouthed and that he doesn't want to be with someone like me yet I can't bring myself to leave him because, despite all this, I hope that he can get better and become who he once was...Does anyone recommend what I can do? Is therapy the only way?
Therapy is something you need. But the ONLY WAY is to leave him now.0 -
Hi guys! I spoke to him over text about it slightly (I already have done before) and he said that he will treat me however I want when I stop being lazy and when he can mold me into want he wants.
The molding into what he wants thing started about 4 months ago and is really hard, he says that I'm not putting any effort into us and that I'm selfish and have a small brain just because I don't have knowledge about the world (he is extremely intelligent) he wants me to learn how things work and what things are and I do sometimes but not everyday, I don't want to spend everyday talking about quantum physics, sometimes I just want to relax and talk about nothing or simple things.
Anyways, to put it simple 3 months ago he started telling me to stop debating things, two months ago he started to tell me that I am not allowed to speak until he is finished and that my opinion isn't valid and whenever I do it he ignores me and walk it of the room or ends the call if we are in a call. If I try to defend myself he calls me a *kitten* and big mouthed and that he doesn't want to be with someone like me yet I can't bring myself to leave him because, despite all this, I hope that he can get better and become who he once was...Does anyone recommend what I can do? Is therapy the only way?
No, therapy is not the only way.
Leaving him is the only way. Please. You are so young and have so much life ahead of you. You don't need this tool. He is an abusive and manipulative narcissist, and it is only going to get worse. People like him are not going to change, therapy or not.
L.E.A.V.E.
asap1 -
Hi guys! I spoke to him over text about it slightly (I already have done before) and he said that he will treat me however I want when I stop being lazy and when he can mold me into want he wants.
The molding into what he wants thing started about 4 months ago and is really hard, he says that I'm not putting any effort into us and that I'm selfish and have a small brain just because I don't have knowledge about the world (he is extremely intelligent) he wants me to learn how things work and what things are and I do sometimes but not everyday, I don't want to spend everyday talking about quantum physics, sometimes I just want to relax and talk about nothing or simple things.
Anyways, to put it simple 3 months ago he started telling me to stop debating things, two months ago he started to tell me that I am not allowed to speak until he is finished and that my opinion isn't valid and whenever I do it he ignores me and walk it of the room or ends the call if we are in a call. If I try to defend myself he calls me a *kitten* and big mouthed and that he doesn't want to be with someone like me yet I can't bring myself to leave him because, despite all this, I hope that he can get better and become who he once was...Does anyone recommend what I can do? Is therapy the only way?
This summary is as concerning, if not more so, than the comments he made which you shared with us about your weight.
Try for a minute to read that post of yours as if you are a stranger and not the person who wrote it. There is not one redeeming thing in that series of comments that suggest that there is anything in this relationship worth staying for.
I get that change is scary and this is a big decision but there is only one decision to make, deep down you know it, and the longer you stay the longer you prolong your misery and put off finding your own self respect and self worth. You need therapy, but for yourself, and first you need to get out of that relationship.
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I am actually currently in the UK haha, thank you. I'm going to try and approach the matter the next time I see him in person as he is currently on a business trip. Wish me luck
This thread is still going strong, I see. I was hoping to come back after a few days to see the OP say "I did it!" Cue fireworks and rainbows. Guess I'll have to keep waiting. Good luck!It might take months for me to do it if I'm completely honest with you, I really hate going out of my comfort zone and making decisions and that's a big one. I'll see how things go and if they don't turn into something better then I'll gather my courage to leave him...
It's not a big decision at all in the grand scheme of things. You're 18 years old. He's 21 and he's a complete t.wat. You're not married, you don't rely on him for money (as you mentioned earlier in the thread), you don't have kids - this only seems like a big decision because you're blinded by whatever feelings you think you have for him. Just drop him. There is no "fixing" him in this scenario.3 -
From what you wrote, he has NOT been getting better! Why do you even put up with this *kitten* *kitten*?Hi guys! I spoke to him over text about it slightly (I already have done before) and he said that he will treat me however I want when I stop being lazy and when he can mold me into want he wants.
The molding into what he wants thing started about 4 months ago and is really hard, he says that I'm not putting any effort into us and that I'm selfish and have a small brain just because I don't have knowledge about the world (he is extremely intelligent) he wants me to learn how things work and what things are and I do sometimes but not everyday, I don't want to spend everyday talking about quantum physics, sometimes I just want to relax and talk about nothing or simple things.
Anyways, to put it simple 3 months ago he started telling me to stop debating things, two months ago he started to tell me that I am not allowed to speak until he is finished and that my opinion isn't valid and whenever I do it he ignores me and walk it of the room or ends the call if we are in a call. If I try to defend myself he calls me a *kitten* and big mouthed and that he doesn't want to be with someone like me yet I can't bring myself to leave him because, despite all this, I hope that he can get better and become who he once was...Does anyone recommend what I can do? Is therapy the only way?
What the *kitten*, OP? HE. WILL. NOT. GET. BETTER. He already treats you like dirt. After everyone here talking about their experiences, I am SURPRISED that you even want to spend time with this POS. He thinks he is better than everyone and loves himself. A typical abuser starts off being the most wonderful, too-good-to-be-true guy.....if he has been gradually worse to you, I would hate to see what you'll end up in another few months.
Take this from someone who stayed and lived to tell about it....barely. FFS RUN NOW.7 -
cerise_noir wrote: »
From what you wrote, he has NOT been getting better! Why do you even put up with this *kitten* *kitten*?Hi guys! I spoke to him over text about it slightly (I already have done before) and he said that he will treat me however I want when I stop being lazy and when he can mold me into want he wants.
The molding into what he wants thing started about 4 months ago and is really hard, he says that I'm not putting any effort into us and that I'm selfish and have a small brain just because I don't have knowledge about the world (he is extremely intelligent) he wants me to learn how things work and what things are and I do sometimes but not everyday, I don't want to spend everyday talking about quantum physics, sometimes I just want to relax and talk about nothing or simple things.
Anyways, to put it simple 3 months ago he started telling me to stop debating things, two months ago he started to tell me that I am not allowed to speak until he is finished and that my opinion isn't valid and whenever I do it he ignores me and walk it of the room or ends the call if we are in a call. If I try to defend myself he calls me a *kitten* and big mouthed and that he doesn't want to be with someone like me yet I can't bring myself to leave him because, despite all this, I hope that he can get better and become who he once was...Does anyone recommend what I can do? Is therapy the only way?
What the *kitten*, OP? HE. WILL. NOT. GET. BETTER. He already treats you like dirt. After everyone here talking about their experiences, I am SURPRISED that you even want to spend time with this POS. He thinks he is better than everyone and loves himself.
Probably one of the saddest "updates" I've read in a long time.3
This discussion has been closed.
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