Boyfriends standards of weight?

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Replies

  • Sepa
    Sepa Posts: 243 Member
    Wow. Just wow
  • sllm1
    sllm1 Posts: 2,130 Member
    Get rid of him altogether. You don't deserve this, honey.
  • Morgaen73
    Morgaen73 Posts: 2,817 Member
    1 Congrats on deciding to lose weight for yourself (before your boyfriend commented).
    2 WELL DONE on the weight that you lost. That is awesome.
    3 Keep on losing till you are happy with your weight.
    4 Dump him and get someone better that will appreciate you.
  • xtinalovexo
    xtinalovexo Posts: 1,376 Member
    ypu should seek counseling to deal with your potential codependency and low self respect. i was in an abusive relationship and it DOES get better without him. you CANT change or deal with this, you accept the love you think you deserve.
  • cheryldumais
    cheryldumais Posts: 1,907 Member
    If you marry this guy you will be stuck with him and I guarantee he won't get better. You can't DO anything to change him. If you are satisfied with the relationship this is what you will have. I weighed 251 pounds before I got my weight under control and my husband (married 42 years) told me he loved me just the way I was. That's a relationship worth working on. You can do better than a man who is as insecure as he is. Please reconsider.
  • Derpy_Hooves
    Derpy_Hooves Posts: 234 Member
    edited November 2016
    Leaz947 wrote: »
    Hi guys!

    (No, I don't want to leave him, sorry)

    Why not? He sounds like a total t.w.a.t.
  • OP- If you had a daughter in the future, would you let a man treat your daughter this way? If someone treated your best friend, your mother, any woman in your life would that be okay with you?

    I would hope you would tell them to run and that's exactly what you should do. I work in the mental health field and having a disorder is no excuse to treat people like crap and settling for it only gives him license to continue. He is responsible for his actions and the consequences they come from- not you.

    You say you stay for love but doing so is really an action of self-hate. Love yourself first and find someone who genuinely loves you. You don't treat things you love like garbage.
  • Leaz947
    Leaz947 Posts: 69 Member
    Hi guys! I spoke to him over text about it slightly (I already have done before) and he said that he will treat me however I want when I stop being lazy and when he can mold me into want he wants.
    The molding into what he wants thing started about 4 months ago and is really hard, he says that I'm not putting any effort into us and that I'm selfish and have a small brain just because I don't have knowledge about the world (he is extremely intelligent) he wants me to learn how things work and what things are and I do sometimes but not everyday, I don't want to spend everyday talking about quantum physics, sometimes I just want to relax and talk about nothing or simple things.
    Anyways, to put it simple 3 months ago he started telling me to stop debating things, two months ago he started to tell me that I am not allowed to speak until he is finished and that my opinion isn't valid and whenever I do it he ignores me and walk it of the room or ends the call if we are in a call. If I try to defend myself he calls me a *kitten* and big mouthed and that he doesn't want to be with someone like me yet I can't bring myself to leave him because, despite all this, I hope that he can get better and become who he once was...Does anyone recommend what I can do? Is therapy the only way?
  • Leaz947
    Leaz947 Posts: 69 Member
    OP- If you had a daughter in the future, would you let a man treat your daughter this way? If someone treated your best friend, your mother, any woman in your life would that be okay with you?

    I would hope you would tell them to run and that's exactly what you should do. I work in the mental health field and having a disorder is no excuse to treat people like crap and settling for it only gives him license to continue. He is responsible for his actions and the consequences they come from- not you.

    You say you stay for love but doing so is really an action of self-hate. Love yourself first and find someone who genuinely loves you. You don't treat things you love like garbage.

    My mother had a boyfriend like that when I was 12 and I stood up to him when he was screaming at her, didn't end well but the answer is no, I wouldn't let anyone treat anyone else like this, even a stranger.
    The thing is that I'm not anyone else, I'm me, if you work in the mental field do you think that there is a possibility of me having a mental illness for not being able to break up with him? Of course you can't give a diagnosis, especially based on such little information.
    Thank you for taking your time to read and respond, I'm so grateful for everyone's help :)
  • zorander6
    zorander6 Posts: 2,713 Member
    edited November 2016
    Leave, and don't look back. This shows that the abuse is growing and will continue to grow. Therapy won't help, leaving will.

    Don't tell him you are leaving, don't tell him where you are going, don't leave him any way to communicate with you. Don't talk to his besties and for the love of $diety DON'T THINK ABOUT GOING BACK!
  • Leaz947
    Leaz947 Posts: 69 Member
    Leaz947 wrote: »
    Hi guys!

    (No, I don't want to leave him, sorry)

    Why not? He sounds like a total t.w.a.t.

    There is also a good side to him and when I met him he was so fragile and broken and I'm scared that I'll hurt him, plus I don't like the thought of never seeing him again because he used to be the most wonderful person ever.
  • Leaz947
    Leaz947 Posts: 69 Member
    If you marry this guy you will be stuck with him and I guarantee he won't get better. You can't DO anything to change him. If you are satisfied with the relationship this is what you will have. I weighed 251 pounds before I got my weight under control and my husband (married 42 years) told me he loved me just the way I was. That's a relationship worth working on. You can do better than a man who is as insecure as he is. Please reconsider.

    So many people are telling me of people like that, which sounds amazing but so much that it kind of seems unreal. I knlw that my current partner isn't the worst one out there and he doesn't physically harm me but what if I try and I end up with someone worse? I'm attached to him, I've been dating him for two years now..
  • zorander6
    zorander6 Posts: 2,713 Member
    Leaz947 wrote: »
    Leaz947 wrote: »
    Hi guys!

    (No, I don't want to leave him, sorry)

    Why not? He sounds like a total t.w.a.t.

    There is also a good side to him and when I met him he was so fragile and broken and I'm scared that I'll hurt him, plus I don't like the thought of never seeing him again because he used to be the most wonderful person ever.

    He's hurting you now and will continue to do so. He will find a new victim sadly and abuse her as well. LEAVE NOW
  • Leaz947
    Leaz947 Posts: 69 Member
    zorander6 wrote: »
    Leaz947 wrote: »
    Leaz947 wrote: »
    Hi guys!

    (No, I don't want to leave him, sorry)

    Why not? He sounds like a total t.w.a.t.

    There is also a good side to him and when I met him he was so fragile and broken and I'm scared that I'll hurt him, plus I don't like the thought of never seeing him again because he used to be the most wonderful person ever.

    He's hurting you now and will continue to do so. He will find a new victim sadly and abuse her as well. LEAVE NOW

    I don't want another girl to end up in a relationship like this, isn't it better for me to stay so that someone else doesn't end up like this?
  • zorander6
    zorander6 Posts: 2,713 Member
    Leaz947 wrote: »
    zorander6 wrote: »
    Leaz947 wrote: »
    Leaz947 wrote: »
    Hi guys!

    (No, I don't want to leave him, sorry)

    Why not? He sounds like a total t.w.a.t.

    There is also a good side to him and when I met him he was so fragile and broken and I'm scared that I'll hurt him, plus I don't like the thought of never seeing him again because he used to be the most wonderful person ever.

    He's hurting you now and will continue to do so. He will find a new victim sadly and abuse her as well. LEAVE NOW

    I don't want another girl to end up in a relationship like this, isn't it better for me to stay so that someone else doesn't end up like this?

    Self sacrifice on the altar of abuse does not a hero make. Sadly you can't protect others beyond recommending as many of the ladies here have done.
  • Leaz947
    Leaz947 Posts: 69 Member
    Morgaen73 wrote: »
    1 Congrats on deciding to lose weight for yourself (before your boyfriend commented).
    2 WELL DONE on the weight that you lost. That is awesome.
    3 Keep on losing till you are happy with your weight.
    4 Dump him and get someone better that will appreciate you.

    Thank you a lot for the kind comment, I'll try to do step four when I have the courage. :)
  • sammyliftsandeats
    sammyliftsandeats Posts: 2,421 Member
    Leaz947 wrote: »
    Hi guys! I spoke to him over text about it slightly (I already have done before) and he said that he will treat me however I want when I stop being lazy and when he can mold me into want he wants.
    The molding into what he wants thing started about 4 months ago and is really hard, he says that I'm not putting any effort into us and that I'm selfish and have a small brain just because I don't have knowledge about the world (he is extremely intelligent) he wants me to learn how things work and what things are and I do sometimes but not everyday, I don't want to spend everyday talking about quantum physics, sometimes I just want to relax and talk about nothing or simple things.
    Anyways, to put it simple 3 months ago he started telling me to stop debating things, two months ago he started to tell me that I am not allowed to speak until he is finished and that my opinion isn't valid and whenever I do it he ignores me and walk it of the room or ends the call if we are in a call. If I try to defend myself he calls me a *kitten* and big mouthed and that he doesn't want to be with someone like me yet I can't bring myself to leave him because, despite all this, I hope that he can get better and become who he once was...Does anyone recommend what I can do? Is therapy the only way?

    All of this bolded text spells trouble.

    He is NOT going to change.

    He has put you down more than once, insulting your looks and your intelligence. This is not what a healthy relationship is.

    You need to get out. I still don't understand why you would want to stay if he continues to berate you like this.

    As others have said, it WILL get better when you're not with him.

    Everyone has recommended that you leave.

    For the longest time, I thought 'moot point' was 'moo point' because of the joke in Friends. My boyfriend laughed and said 'Well, now you know'. But he didn't berate my intelligence and say I have a small brain.

    He has been grooming you for further abuse.

  • Leaz947
    Leaz947 Posts: 69 Member
    captbklee wrote: »
    I am actually currently in the UK haha, thank you. I'm going to try and approach the matter the next time I see him in person as he is currently on a business trip. Wish me luck :)

    This thread is still going strong, I see. I was hoping to come back after a few days to see the OP say "I did it!" Cue fireworks and rainbows. Guess I'll have to keep waiting. Good luck![/quote]

    It might take months for me to do it if I'm completely honest with you, I really hate going out of my comfort zone and making decisions and that's a big one. I'll see how things go and if they don't turn into something better then I'll gather my courage to leave him...
  • @Leaz947 obviously I'm not capable of Diagnosing you but I would say from personal experience that you might be experiencing some co-dependency and that is something you need to deal with on your own.... I've had to deal with this in my life and I am so much better for it


    https://1solutionfocusedcoaching.com/2012/02/20/why-am-i-feeling-so-crazy-codependents-learning-from-their-narcissistic-partners/
  • zorander6
    zorander6 Posts: 2,713 Member
    Leaz947 wrote: »
    captbklee wrote: »
    I am actually currently in the UK haha, thank you. I'm going to try and approach the matter the next time I see him in person as he is currently on a business trip. Wish me luck :)

    This thread is still going strong, I see. I was hoping to come back after a few days to see the OP say "I did it!" Cue fireworks and rainbows. Guess I'll have to keep waiting. Good luck!

    It might take months for me to do it if I'm completely honest with you, I really hate going out of my comfort zone and making decisions and that's a big one. I'll see how things go and if they don't turn into something better then I'll gather my courage to leave him...[/quote]

    Do not wait months, go now.

    Your "gathering courage" will mean further submission to him and what he wants, not you getting away. In 10 years you will look back with regret.
  • VeryKatie
    VeryKatie Posts: 5,961 Member
    edited November 2016
    Leaz947 wrote: »
    Hi guys! I spoke to him over text about it slightly (I already have done before) and he said that he will treat me however I want when I stop being lazy and when he can mold me into want he wants.
    The molding into what he wants thing started about 4 months ago and is really hard, he says that I'm not putting any effort into us and that I'm selfish and have a small brain just because I don't have knowledge about the world (he is extremely intelligent) he wants me to learn how things work and what things are and I do sometimes but not everyday, I don't want to spend everyday talking about quantum physics, sometimes I just want to relax and talk about nothing or simple things.
    Anyways, to put it simple 3 months ago he started telling me to stop debating things, two months ago he started to tell me that I am not allowed to speak until he is finished and that my opinion isn't valid and whenever I do it he ignores me and walk it of the room or ends the call if we are in a call. If I try to defend myself he calls me a *kitten* and big mouthed and that he doesn't want to be with someone like me yet I can't bring myself to leave him because, despite all this, I hope that he can get better and become who he once was...Does anyone recommend what I can do? Is therapy the only way?

    Therapy is something you need. But the ONLY WAY is to leave him now.
  • Alyssa_Is_LosingIt
    Alyssa_Is_LosingIt Posts: 4,696 Member
    Leaz947 wrote: »
    Hi guys! I spoke to him over text about it slightly (I already have done before) and he said that he will treat me however I want when I stop being lazy and when he can mold me into want he wants.
    The molding into what he wants thing started about 4 months ago and is really hard, he says that I'm not putting any effort into us and that I'm selfish and have a small brain just because I don't have knowledge about the world (he is extremely intelligent) he wants me to learn how things work and what things are and I do sometimes but not everyday, I don't want to spend everyday talking about quantum physics, sometimes I just want to relax and talk about nothing or simple things.
    Anyways, to put it simple 3 months ago he started telling me to stop debating things, two months ago he started to tell me that I am not allowed to speak until he is finished and that my opinion isn't valid and whenever I do it he ignores me and walk it of the room or ends the call if we are in a call. If I try to defend myself he calls me a *kitten* and big mouthed and that he doesn't want to be with someone like me yet I can't bring myself to leave him because, despite all this, I hope that he can get better and become who he once was...Does anyone recommend what I can do? Is therapy the only way?

    No, therapy is not the only way.

    Leaving him is the only way. Please. You are so young and have so much life ahead of you. You don't need this tool. He is an abusive and manipulative narcissist, and it is only going to get worse. People like him are not going to change, therapy or not.

    L.E.A.V.E.

    asap
  • WinoGelato
    WinoGelato Posts: 13,454 Member
    Leaz947 wrote: »
    Hi guys! I spoke to him over text about it slightly (I already have done before) and he said that he will treat me however I want when I stop being lazy and when he can mold me into want he wants.
    The molding into what he wants thing started about 4 months ago and is really hard, he says that I'm not putting any effort into us and that I'm selfish and have a small brain just because I don't have knowledge about the world (he is extremely intelligent) he wants me to learn how things work and what things are and I do sometimes but not everyday, I don't want to spend everyday talking about quantum physics, sometimes I just want to relax and talk about nothing or simple things.
    Anyways, to put it simple 3 months ago he started telling me to stop debating things, two months ago he started to tell me that I am not allowed to speak until he is finished and that my opinion isn't valid and whenever I do it he ignores me and walk it of the room or ends the call if we are in a call. If I try to defend myself he calls me a *kitten* and big mouthed and that he doesn't want to be with someone like me yet I can't bring myself to leave him because, despite all this, I hope that he can get better and become who he once was...Does anyone recommend what I can do? Is therapy the only way?

    This summary is as concerning, if not more so, than the comments he made which you shared with us about your weight.

    Try for a minute to read that post of yours as if you are a stranger and not the person who wrote it. There is not one redeeming thing in that series of comments that suggest that there is anything in this relationship worth staying for.

    I get that change is scary and this is a big decision but there is only one decision to make, deep down you know it, and the longer you stay the longer you prolong your misery and put off finding your own self respect and self worth. You need therapy, but for yourself, and first you need to get out of that relationship.

  • Alyssa_Is_LosingIt
    Alyssa_Is_LosingIt Posts: 4,696 Member
    edited November 2016
    Leaz947 wrote: »
    captbklee wrote: »
    I am actually currently in the UK haha, thank you. I'm going to try and approach the matter the next time I see him in person as he is currently on a business trip. Wish me luck :)

    This thread is still going strong, I see. I was hoping to come back after a few days to see the OP say "I did it!" Cue fireworks and rainbows. Guess I'll have to keep waiting. Good luck!
    It might take months for me to do it if I'm completely honest with you, I really hate going out of my comfort zone and making decisions and that's a big one. I'll see how things go and if they don't turn into something better then I'll gather my courage to leave him...

    It's not a big decision at all in the grand scheme of things. You're 18 years old. He's 21 and he's a complete t.wat. You're not married, you don't rely on him for money (as you mentioned earlier in the thread), you don't have kids - this only seems like a big decision because you're blinded by whatever feelings you think you have for him. Just drop him. There is no "fixing" him in this scenario.
  • Alyssa_Is_LosingIt
    Alyssa_Is_LosingIt Posts: 4,696 Member
    Leaz947 wrote: »
    Hi guys! I spoke to him over text about it slightly (I already have done before) and he said that he will treat me however I want when I stop being lazy and when he can mold me into want he wants.
    The molding into what he wants thing started about 4 months ago and is really hard, he says that I'm not putting any effort into us and that I'm selfish and have a small brain just because I don't have knowledge about the world (he is extremely intelligent) he wants me to learn how things work and what things are and I do sometimes but not everyday, I don't want to spend everyday talking about quantum physics, sometimes I just want to relax and talk about nothing or simple things.
    Anyways, to put it simple 3 months ago he started telling me to stop debating things, two months ago he started to tell me that I am not allowed to speak until he is finished and that my opinion isn't valid and whenever I do it he ignores me and walk it of the room or ends the call if we are in a call. If I try to defend myself he calls me a *kitten* and big mouthed and that he doesn't want to be with someone like me yet I can't bring myself to leave him because, despite all this, I hope that he can get better and become who he once was...Does anyone recommend what I can do? Is therapy the only way?
    From what you wrote, he has NOT been getting better! Why do you even put up with this *kitten* *kitten*?

    What the *kitten*, OP? HE. WILL. NOT. GET. BETTER. He already treats you like dirt. After everyone here talking about their experiences, I am SURPRISED that you even want to spend time with this POS. He thinks he is better than everyone and loves himself.

    Probably one of the saddest "updates" I've read in a long time.
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