Boyfriends standards of weight?
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elliebrierleyz wrote: »littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
OP, I HAVE been in your exact situation, I was 17, it was my first serious relationship and I thought he was the greatest thing to ever cross my path.
....then he started "critiquing" me and my weight. It was little things at first, then progressively more and more. He claimed to have personality disorders as well, although I never actually checked that with a doctor, and that I just didn't understand because I was too dumb. OP, trust me on this. It will NOT get better, it will only get a lot, lot worse. No matter how much you love him, and I get it, it's really hard, it is NOT worth staying. If he is treating you like that, he does not love you. Get out of there while you can. Regardless of what he may say, you deserve someone WAY better than him and there are plenty of wonderful men out there that do not treat you like that. I know, I almost married my abusive ex but woke up to it just in time. Then, when I was 24, I married the most amazing, wonderful man who loved me at my absolute heaviest, is celebrating every little weight loss achievement with me because it makes ME happy, and loves me completely unconditionally. That's the kind of man you deserve. And they are out there. Don't settle for less than what you're worth.
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Chef_Barbell wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »
GirlChef_Barbell wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »Chef_Barbell wrote: »How old are you OP?
A beautiful age of 18, somewhat immature compared to the rest of you with no experience of life whatsoever, just trying to find ways to solve things and failing miserably. It's weird to think that other people pass through things like this and get over it. I have been living on my own since I was 15 so I might have slightly more experience than the average 18 year old but not by much. I know that it makes everything clearer to most of the people commenting because you're older and understand more but to me this is extremely complicated and terrifying.
Grow a backbone early. It will get you through life better. Things I wish someone told me earlier.
Did ya swallow the moon
Nope having a baby tomorrow.
Tomorrow? Squeal
Good luck
Thankies!
Good luck Ms, I'll hope that your baby will be happy and healthy, as well as you! There is nothing more precious than children and their innocence! Hope that everything goes well 4 -
There are too many people out there who have been *kitten* over by dickhead exes.5
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Since you do not want to leave him....ughh. I will try to explore other options....
1- tell him it hurt your feelings when he puts you down and make those negative comments. Tell him his support and positive reinforcement is needed. Also tell him it makes you close up and not want to share anything with him anymore. If he truly loves you he should be able to digest that, change and stfu.
2 - If number 1 doesn't work, tell him he needs to hit some iron and put on some muscle mass...and body shame him back! I'm sure he is not going to like that. But you are stooping to his level and this isn't fair either.
3 - Cheat on him with someone that is nicer, sweeter, considerate, and hotter! But again, this isn't fair. You are changing yourself, morals, etc., just to stay with him be able to co exist with him.
4- Hold out on the s#x till you meet his requirements....
5 - Consider loving yourself more where you will not have to put up with this BS. Once you love yourself and know your self worth, leaving him would be in your foreseeable future!10 -
By not leaving or telling him you don't want to be spoken to in that manner, you are just letting him run your life. And it sounds like he's going to run it to the ground.
He is setting up unrealistic expectations that you might try really hard to meet, and then when you fail (because they're unrealistic AF), then he's going to use it as an excuse to continue abusing you like this.
You are young, and you have been on your own since an even younger age, but you have to see that this is not healthy. He developed some overconfidence from his job and he thinks he knows everything because he's older than you, and he's using it to lord over you - which is NOT cool.
Now this reference may be a bit before your time, but...just tell him: GET OUT.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ggWyUEuGcWY 5 -
what STLBADGIRL just said.2
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I might get some *kitten* for this, but since leaving him is not a option...
What if you started treating him the exact way he treats you????
Call him names, belittle him, comment on his appearance and intellect...I doubt he'll like it much, but at least the playing field would be even.5 -
What if your best friend was going through this? What would you say to her??7
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elliebrierleyz wrote: »Calliope610 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »WinoGelato wrote: »OP, I'm genuinely curious, when you posted this, what sort of advice were you looking for? Because stating up front that you aren't interested in leaving him, you had to have known that was going to be the majority of the advice you would get. And if you knew that was the advice you'd get, then you must have at least considered this already, and decided you weren't willing to do that (whatever your reasons are). So what sort of advice did you hope for? Ways to humiliate him and make him feel as bad as he makes you? Ways to drop the weight quickly so you can achieve the perfect girlfriend body that he is hoping for? Because people aren't going to give you any of that sort of advice - so I'm failing to see what can happen here, other than just validation and sympathy? I not really big on that sort of thing, so I'm just going to suggest that you seek counseling and a backbone.
I am not exact sure what I'm looking for if I'm completely honest with you, I realise what the real solution is yet I am still not capable of coming to terms with it, I agree with you about growing a backbone, it is something I used to have but now I have become weak I guess. I'm not looking for sympathy, I am being desperate and trying to look for a solution that I'm beginning to think doesn't exist just to keep my relationship afloat, I don't want to give up on a person that I love so dearly. I'm sorry for annoying you all so much.
what is it that you love so dearly about him?
How he sometimes is and how he used to be. I swore to myself that I would never leave the person I grew to love no matter what but the thing is that now he is nearly a completely different person. I don't know why, perhaps it's because when I met him he didn't have a job and then he got a job, found out he was great at his job and got lots of confidence from that because he is only 21. But perhaps it's my fault, I'm quite immature so I guess that that would bring a person down.
Please understand that in most cases, extreme physical abuse started out as verbal abuse and then escalated.
Leave him while you can. This is not what love is.13 -
[/quote]
If I try to defend myself with anything else he tells me to stop debating and that he has more experience than what I do (because he is 3 years older than me). This is what he says with every single criticism and if I fight back he ignores me or tells me to *kitten* off. Beautiful, I know. The thing is that I recently found out that he has a couple of personality disorders which really explain everything to me but I feel bad about not understanding them.[/quote]
Sorry but that sounds like an excuse to treat you like crap. Same excuse my wife uses. It's utter bull manure and you don't need to put up with it. Is he being seen for these personality disorders? If not and he's not willing move on. [/quote]
Just saw this....RUN now!
You do not need to figure him and all his personalities out!
There is so much in this world for you!8 -
I'm going to argue that one:
1. If he's already displaying this type of attitude telling him it hurts your feelings will most likely encourage it sadly. You've tried telling him this from what I've read. Once is more than enough.
2. This may be dangerous, it may encourage him (doubtful) or he may become violent to prove his strength.
3. Cheating on him sinks you to his level. If you are going to cheat leave.
4. You will never meet his requirements, just leave.
5. This one I can agree with fully. Also when you find someone better don't take out what this asshat did to you on them.7 -
Ah 18, its so easy for us to give you advice, cos I promise you, we have ALL been in some similar situation at some point! In love with someone who isn't healthy for us, its a rite of passage!!
I know every one is offering the same advice, but its due to experience and heartbreak. I was dumped and my weight was a primary factor - and I was in the upper 'normal' BMI range. It F***ing sucks. You wanting to lose weight or get healthy is good if you're doing if for YOU. But this guy? This guy who is 'sometimes' really great? Doesn't sound good enough to me. I know its so easy for me to say from the outside, having never met you, but really, you are worth soooo much more than this guy, and he does not deserve you if he makes you feel like rubbish.
Always gotta look out for 'number one'... and YOU are number one!!!!!6 -
kschwab0203 wrote: »I might get some *kitten* for this, but since leaving him is not a option...
What if you started treating him the exact way he treats you????
Call him names, belittle him, comment on his appearance and intellect...I doubt he'll like it much, but at least the playing field would be even.
I can't insult him because I feel terrible for doing it afterwards. The worst I have called him is an *kitten* and that happened once when he told me that he was glad that I was crying because of the way he was treating me. I have called him a horrible person various times but then he gets offended over it and I feel really bad. I'm not a person that insults someone else and puts them down, even if they do the same to me, it just doesn't feel right...0 -
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You're 5'8 and he want's you to be 120 lbs! That's RIDICULOUS! being your high and your current weight IS healthy. Unless you're looking to be lean and muscular, he can go find someone else, and you should go find someone who's first attracted to the person inside before the person they see on the outside (granted we all see first, but that's not the point).
The guy I'm seeing is a bodybuilder, I've never been with someone so dedicated to the gym or more sculpted and muscular than he is. He weighs 210 lbs and I weigh, as a competitive powerlifter, 220 lbs. (154 lbs. lean muscle). He's never ONCE said I should lose weight, and compliments my strength more than he compliments my curves, which he enjoys too.
The bottom line here, which so many other people have addressed, is that YOU need to be happy with yourself, and if he isn't okay with that, THAT'S NOT YOUR PROBLEM, IT'S HIS, and either he accepts you for you are, or he needs to move on, or yourself.
I applaud you for losing weight, if that's a decision you've made for yourself, but it should never be a decision based on others, or society. If your boyfriend want's to encourage you to be stronger, healthier, for it's benefits, that's fine, however if he's doing it only because he likes a skinny mini for his girlfriend, that's messed up. Love the skin you're in.7 -
kschwab0203 wrote: »I might get some *kitten* for this, but since leaving him is not a option...
What if you started treating him the exact way he treats you????
Call him names, belittle him, comment on his appearance and intellect...I doubt he'll like it much, but at least the playing field would be even.
So do not recommend this. It may trigger him to physical abuse in order to regain control.12 -
ivygirl1937 wrote: »elliebrierleyz wrote: »littlemissbgiff wrote: »Why would you ask for advice on a situation you are not willing to change? Your guy sounds like a real peach, my advice to you is to get used to being belittled and miserable. Then you can't complain.
I am sorry but you wouldn't understand unless you're in a similar situation. I have had no experience with things like this before, this is my first serious relationship. It's much harder than what you think.
OP, I HAVE been in your exact situation, I was 17, it was my first serious relationship and I thought he was the greatest thing to ever cross my path.
....then he started "critiquing" me and my weight. It was little things at first, then progressively more and more. He claimed to have personality disorders as well, although I never actually checked that with a doctor, and that I just didn't understand because I was too dumb. OP, trust me on this. It will NOT get better, it will only get a lot, lot worse. No matter how much you love him, and I get it, it's really hard, it is NOT worth staying. If he is treating you like that, he does not love you. Get out of there while you can. Regardless of what he may say, you deserve someone WAY better than him and there are plenty of wonderful men out there that do not treat you like that. I know, I almost married my abusive ex but woke up to it just in time. Then, when I was 24, I married the most amazing, wonderful man who loved me at my absolute heaviest, is celebrating every little weight loss achievement with me because it makes ME happy, and loves me completely unconditionally. That's the kind of man you deserve. And they are out there. Don't settle for less than what you're worth.
How did you manage to get over it and do it? Was it difficult? (if you don't mind talking about it, of course)0 -
that is an abusive relationship, the only solution is to leave, sorry. i currently weigh 10 lbs more than my husband, i used to always weigh about 10 pounds less, but have gained, he has expressed once that he would not be as attracted to me if i gained much more weight, and even that comment was pushing it for me, but other then that he has been very supportive, but what your explaining is unhealthy, and not a good situation.2
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elliebrierleyz wrote: »kschwab0203 wrote: »I might get some *kitten* for this, but since leaving him is not a option...
What if you started treating him the exact way he treats you????
Call him names, belittle him, comment on his appearance and intellect...I doubt he'll like it much, but at least the playing field would be even.
I can't insult him because I feel terrible for doing it afterwards. The worst I have called him is an *kitten* and that happened once when he told me that he was glad that I was crying because of the way he was treating me. I have called him a horrible person various times but then he gets offended over it and I feel really bad. I'm not a person that insults someone else and puts them down, even if they do the same to me, it just doesn't feel right...
I'm serious, GTFO now. You might regret it for a day or two but you will be much happier.10 -
I feel like this is more of an attention seeking thread.8
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