How to period. Male POV

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  • taunto
    taunto Posts: 6,420 Member
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    This thread wins at life. Too funny.

    I'm glad you see it that way and many others too :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou: :heart: :flowerforyou: :flowerforyou:


    (Sorry no emoticon for wine)
  • taunto
    taunto Posts: 6,420 Member
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    I have a healthy fascination with women and their plumbing work. I’m a nerd so I like to dig deep into things I find interesting. That includes learning about how/why a girl half my size bullies me every month. And here are my detailed overview of how it all goes down for them

    First comes the crankiness. Brace yourself. This is even before PMS starts. This is just a trailer. Imagine this being the first boss in a dungeon in a video game. The boss there is to show you whats to come. The kind of powers in store for the final boss without giving all its dirty secrets. This boss is easy to handle simply by moving out the fire that it laid out to kill you. Best to stay out the way. The crankiness goes away when the bleeding starts. Try offering some wine to calm down the boss.

    During this time, they also feel “bloaty”. They have a hard time fitting into their skinny jeans. Expect the “honey, do I look fat in these?” This is NOT the time to make your silly fat jokes. No matter how cool she is, this won’t go well for you. You will be threatened to have your tiny banana chopped off in your sleep if you said something silly. Be warned! Try changing the topic by saying “hey I’m getting some wine, would you like some?”

    How do women feel during their PMS? Imagine you watching Rudy, Fields of Dreams and your childhood dog being put away, all at the same time. Over and over and over again. Except you cannot get desensitized to it. So you’re stuck there. Crying. And feeling bad. And feeling angry about why you’re being made to watch this against your will. That’s how it is. LOTS of anger and sadness. Usually chocolate and wine helps though.

    Little things can set them off. Like watching a small 2 inch long thread on the carpet can make them cry. When this happens, you be a man and you offer her a hug, a soft gentle kiss and some wine. You get her more wine than a catholic church on a Sunday. You be the best damn lover she’s ever had. Your kindness WILL be remembered and rewarded. If all else fails, chocolates and wine.

    There will be cramps. Cramps is like having a random stranger greet you often and after you politely say “hello” to him, he just grabs you by the collar and kicks you in the family jewels. And he does it everytime except due to the pain you figure “ok, he won’t do it again, nobody is that cruel”. But that guy really IS that cruel. Cramps is like that guy. You know the only solution to cramps I’ve find so far? More wine.

    Now I must warn you, that the PMS sync is a real thing. Its true. I am not entirely sure about the details but I do believe it involves with girls going to the bathroom together. There is some oil involved and possibly scissors…. But we’re getting off the point.

    Then theres the last thing. The actual bleeding. Ever been shanked in the prison over and over again? Of course you haven’t. But that’s how they work. They get stabbed down there and have to visit the restroom twice as much.

    Congratulations. You have just made it through hell. it is finally over. Now it is time for sweet sweet reward. She won’t be feeling fat. She won’t feel depressed. She will have lots of energy, feel like the most beautiful woman on the planet and have lots of confidence. All the wine you made her drink is about to pay off. Hope you had condoms and gatorade stocked up.

    Please go.

    I tried, nobody but MFP will take me. Sorry you're stuck with me.
  • MelsAuntie
    MelsAuntie Posts: 2,833 Member
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    Ignoring how patronising (and unnecessary) this post is, you forgot "have a lot of sex with your female partner while she's bleeding if she wants to". Some women get really horny, while menstruating.

    Dear men: Please keep quiet about biological functions and mental states you have no experience of.

    Who wants their bedroom to look like a damn csi investigation?

    The guy who wants to get some of the best action he's ever had. That's who.


    NOT going to happen if the woman is in so much pain that she can hardly stand upright. I know what I'm talking about here.

    With all due respect... I don't think you do. Not saying *i* know any better but from what everyone have said (in this thread and previously) different women get different symptoms and getting overactive sexually brings relief to many also.


    YOU don't know what you're talking about, Taunto, and I assure you I have tried that, in desperation, various times, and it did nothing to help and made the pelvic pain worse. It may help some women, certainly did not help me. Now go take your fantasies somewhere else.
  • TallGlassOfQuirky
    TallGlassOfQuirky Posts: 282 Member
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    Taunto, you are awesomeness personified.
  • JeremiahStone
    JeremiahStone Posts: 682 Member
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    tumblr_mq5ndp3XH61stvq3ro2_500.gif
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    Wouldn't wine just make everything worse, though.
  • taunto
    taunto Posts: 6,420 Member
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    Ignoring how patronising (and unnecessary) this post is, you forgot "have a lot of sex with your female partner while she's bleeding if she wants to". Some women get really horny, while menstruating.

    Dear men: Please keep quiet about biological functions and mental states you have no experience of.

    Who wants their bedroom to look like a damn csi investigation?

    The guy who wants to get some of the best action he's ever had. That's who.


    NOT going to happen if the woman is in so much pain that she can hardly stand upright. I know what I'm talking about here.

    With all due respect... I don't think you do. Not saying *i* know any better but from what everyone have said (in this thread and previously) different women get different symptoms and getting overactive sexually brings relief to many also.


    YOU don't know what you're talking about, Taunto, and I assure you I have tried that, in desperation, various times, and it did nothing to help and made the pelvic pain worse. It may help some women, certainly did not help me. Now go take your fantasies somewhere else.

    Feel free to read other replies not by me. Just because you have tried something and it didn't go well for you doesn't mean it doesn't go like that for others. Like I said, for different girls its different.

    PS. I like sharing my fantasies. Lonely fantasies makes me feel cray cray
    :flowerforyou:
  • taunto
    taunto Posts: 6,420 Member
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    Wouldn't wine just make everything worse, though.

    Heard different POV about wine and chocolate. This was just a silly joke thread though :)
  • BinaryPulsar
    BinaryPulsar Posts: 8,927 Member
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    Wouldn't wine just make everything worse, though.

    Heard different POV about wine and chocolate. This was just a silly joke thread though :)

    I know. :wink:
  • Sierra_christine89
    Sierra_christine89 Posts: 156 Member
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    This is so hilarious! Hahahaha I can't stop laughing. The references to other things are too good.
  • Janice2Shakira
    Janice2Shakira Posts: 257
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    Love it! But it needs more this:

    1329933609_jessica_simpson_with_chocolate_bar.gif
  • taunto
    taunto Posts: 6,420 Member
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    Love it! But it needs more this:

    1329933609_jessica_simpson_with_chocolate_bar.gif

    I think everything needs her...
  • Lleldiranne
    Lleldiranne Posts: 5,516 Member
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    tumblr_mad2noNpXE1rbyr12o1_500.gif

    I need this gif.
  • sbbhbm
    sbbhbm Posts: 1,312 Member
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    I love you Taunto.

    But you forgot the cravings man.... dear God the cravings....
    Must have something salty, followed by the chocolate and the wine, and then the something salty again.

    :bigsmile: Of course someone's going to go ahead and tie that right to the horny comments, lol.
  • KinzieElise
    KinzieElise Posts: 584 Member
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    This really was funny and surprisingly accurate with the exception of wine. I have yet to find wine I like. I would also NEVER recommend trying to mix the two, it tastes like cough syrup, and my mom, who does like wine, would back me up on that.
  • labeachgirl
    labeachgirl Posts: 158 Member
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    Funny post!

    But you know...Men have their own version of PMS, but they get their ish romanticized and get labeled "brooding" and get books written about them like "Wuthering Heights" :tongue:
  • taunto
    taunto Posts: 6,420 Member
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    I love you Taunto.

    But you forgot the cravings man.... dear God the cravings....
    Must have something salty, followed by the chocolate and the wine, and then the something salty again.

    :bigsmile: Of course someone's going to go ahead and tie that right to the horny comments, lol.

    Like I said, theres actually a BUNCH of other "symptoms" I couldn't put in the thread since it would make the thread way bigger than it already is. Which sucks because they're all awesome (for me to joke about)
  • CrankMeUp
    CrankMeUp Posts: 2,860 Member
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    Ignoring how patronising (and unnecessary) this post is, you forgot "have a lot of sex with your female partner while she's bleeding if she wants to". Some women get really horny, while menstruating.

    Dear men: Please keep quiet about biological functions and mental states you have no experience of.

    Who wants their bedroom to look like a damn csi investigation?


    In the Shower.
  • fullofquirks
    fullofquirks Posts: 182 Member
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    I love you Taunto.

    But you forgot the cravings man.... dear God the cravings....
    Must have something salty, followed by the chocolate and the wine, and then the something salty again.

    :bigsmile: Of course someone's going to go ahead and tie that right to the horny comments, lol.

    Like I said, theres actually a BUNCH of other "symptoms" I couldn't put in the thread since it would make the thread way bigger than it already is. Which sucks because they're all awesome (for me to joke about)

    Please do a second post so I have yet another reason to search for the movie the scarred me forever so much so I never did change out for gym.

    PLUG IT UP!!!
  • Miss_Meliss86
    Miss_Meliss86 Posts: 372 Member
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    Ignoring how patronising (and unnecessary) this post is, you forgot "have a lot of sex with your female partner while she's bleeding if she wants to". Some women get really horny, while menstruating.

    Dear men: Please keep quiet about biological functions and mental states you have no experience of.

    Who wants their bedroom to look like a damn csi investigation?

    One word: Shower. Duh.

    Awesome post Taunto! Loved it!! :flowerforyou:

    Syncing part is so true...I lived in residence with 6 girls and shared 1.5 bathrooms (1 shower, 2 toilets). I felt bad for ANYONE who tried to step into our suite when we were on our periods...*shudders*

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