Good Bad Jokes

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  • taco_inspector
    taco_inspector Posts: 7,223 Member
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    vikinglander wrote: »
    What's blue and smells like red paint?
    Blue paint
  • vikinglander
    vikinglander Posts: 1,547 Member
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    standenvernet wrote: »
    vikinglander wrote: »
    What's blue and smells like red paint?
    Blue paint

    DING! DING! DING! tell him what he's won, Johnny!
  • taco_inspector
    taco_inspector Posts: 7,223 Member
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    Did you know cats can jump higher than a house?
    This is largely due to the cat’s powerful hind legs, and the fact that houses can’t jump.
  • sun_tzu
    sun_tzu Posts: 21 Member
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    What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
    45 pounds

    What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
    45 minutes
  • vikinglander
    vikinglander Posts: 1,547 Member
    edited April 2017
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    If it takes a chicken and a half a day and a half to lay an egg and a half, how long does it take a monkey with a wooden leg (named Bobo) to kick the seeds out of a dill pickle?

    Four minutes, 'cause ice cubes don't have bones...(what was the name of his other leg??)

    Can you tell I'm a father? These are all jokes I remember from when my daughter was young...she groans at my jokes now!

    I'm afraid to tell any of my really good ones because I don't want the moderators to get their shorts in a knot...anything that's too "adult" sets off alarms and get me 'points'! The first time I saw that I went looking for a prize list to see how many points I had to accumulate for a home gym...
  • GingerAlx
    GingerAlx Posts: 12 Member
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    An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree watching a farmer walk by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing because owls can't talk.

    The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.
  • captainfantastic94
    captainfantastic94 Posts: 1,745 Member
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    Don't let this die you guys
  • dawson002
    dawson002 Posts: 170 Member
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    my giraffe costume only got me 2nd place at a fancy dress contest......I may not have won but at least I can hold my head up high!!
  • dawson002
    dawson002 Posts: 170 Member
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    today I've decided to burn a load of calories.....so I'm setting fire to a fat kid!!
  • dawson002
    dawson002 Posts: 170 Member
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    piracy is killing the music industry....its hard to play guitar with a hook!!!
  • dawson002
    dawson002 Posts: 170 Member
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    the police have said they want to interview me.....I can't even remember applying!!
  • dawson002
    dawson002 Posts: 170 Member
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    can't believe my girlfriend is an online porn star.....I hope she doesn't mind when she finds out!!
  • dawson002
    dawson002 Posts: 170 Member
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    i got caught running in the swimming pool this morning.....the lifeguard gave me a Speedo ticket!!
  • dawson002
    dawson002 Posts: 170 Member
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    My local pub is offering 2 courses for £10.....I've gone for Photography and First Aid!!
  • dawson002
    dawson002 Posts: 170 Member
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    was a given a nose and ear trimmer for Christmas.....it really hurt but they are much smaller now!!
  • vikinglander
    vikinglander Posts: 1,547 Member
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    yayabeaks wrote: »
    What's long and hard and has cum in it? A cucumber!

    Oh I SOOO want to riff of this last post but it will go down a long hard road that will no doubt end with the moderator closing this thread...
  • vikinglander
    vikinglander Posts: 1,547 Member
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    Gimsteinn1 wrote: »
    Sit on my face and I'll tell you how much you weigh.

    Best bad pickup line I've ever heard.

    I actually heard a friend of mine say this to a very pretty girl when we were on the street in downtown San Francisco, in the early 80s..."Pardon me, ma'am...I'm new in town. Can you tell me how to get to your house?" She actually let him buy her a drink! I don't know what else happened...

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