Good Bad Jokes

Tweaking_Time

Volbeat79

There was this biologist who was doing some experiments with frogs. He was measuring just how far frogs could jump. So he puts a frog on a line and says "Jump frog, jump!". The frog jumps 2 feet. He writes in his lab book: 'Frog with 4 legs - jumps 2 feet'.

Next he chops off one of the legs and repeats the experiment. "Jump frog jump!" he says. The frog manages to jump 1.5 feet. So he writes in his lab book: 'Frog with 3 legs - jumps 1.5 feet'.

He chops off another and the frog only jumps 1 foot. He writes in his book: 'Frog with 2 legs jumps 1 foot'.

He continues and removes yet another leg. " Jump frog jump!" and the frog somehow jumps a half of a foot. So he writes in his lab book again: 'Frog with one leg - jumps 0.5 feet'.

Finally he chops off the last leg. He puts the frog on the line and teels it to jump. "Jump frog, jump!". The frog doesn't move. "Jump frog, jump!!!". Again the frog stays on the line. "Come on frog, jump!". But to no avail.

The biologist finally writes in his book: 'Frog with no legs --- goes deaf'

Jimb376mfp

Gimsteinn1 wrote: »

Sit on my face and I'll tell you how much you weigh.

Best bad pickup line I've ever heard.

When I heard this it began
Do you want to play circus? You sit on my face and I guess your weight.

Do you know how Pinocchio makes love?
The girl sits on his face and he tells her lies.

vikinglander

Two guys are walking down the road through a swamp and there are frogs everywhere. One guy says, "Hey Newt, if you're man enough to bite the head off'n a frog, I'll give you $1."

Newt bends down and scoops up a frog and bites its head off and spit it out. The first guy gives him a dollar.

Twenty minutes later, Newt says, "Hey Slim, I bet ya a dollar YOU ain't man enough to bite the head off'n a frog!"

Slim grabs a frog and tears off its head with his teeth and spits it out. Newt gives him a dollar.

10 minutes later, Newt looks at Slim and says, "Why the fark did we eat the frogs??"

vikinglander

A farmer's mule dies. The farmer goes up the road to the mule trader to buy another. They go out back to a pasture full of mules and the trader starts describing the various virtues of each mule.

Off in one corner is a scraggly old mule just grazing and minding his business. Suddenly the mule lifts his head up, his ears go up, his tail goes out straight, and he takes off at a full gallop. At the far end of the pasture is a stand of trees and the mule runs smack into one at full speed, head first, BAM!! and knocks himself senseless. He staggers around for about a minute, then shakes his head and commences grazing.

The farmer looks at the mule trader and says, "What the hell is WRONG with that animal?"

The trader strokes his chin and says, "Well, he just don't give a damn!"

taco_inspector

In an argument, a woman will always have the last word...

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... Anything a man says after that will be the beginning of a new argument.

taco_inspector

Since, "I am" is the shortest sentence in the English language....

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Could, "I do" be the longest sentence?

dawson002

I bought my mate a Star Wars mask.....you should see the Luke on his face!!

dawson002

I'm currently in hospital after eating what I thought was an onion turned out to be a daffodil bulb....I should be out by spring!!!

dawson002

I wonder what the word "bumps" is in braille!!

dawson002

my wife says she leaving me because of my addiction to antidepressants....I guess I won't be needing them anymore then!!

dawson002

the pills that "promise to help me gain 3 inches in only 4 weeks" arrived today.....I can't wait to be 6ft 2!!!

dawson002

me and the wife watch 3 movies back to back last night....luckily I was the one facing the TV

dawson002

I told my hairdresser to just take a little bit off.....it makes me more relaxed when I see her breasts!!!

dawson002

I found a butterfly on the floor earlier with no wings so I poured some Redbull on it......it drowned!!

dawson002

I went to an Italian restaurant and they had Spaghetti on the menu.....I called the waiter over to wipe it off!!!

dawson002

Just seen 2 guys arguing in sign language....either that or they are terrible at martial arts!!

vikinglander

A guy comes home on his 50th wedding anniversary and finds his wife in the living room in a negligee. She says,

"Do you remember that I wore this for you on our wedding night, 50 years ago?"

"Yeah! I remember..."

"Do you remember what you were thinking that night?"

"Yeah! I was thinking I wanted to ____ your brains out."

"What are you thinking right now?"

"I'm thinking I did a pretty damn good job!"

taco_inspector

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher?

He couldn't control his pupils

taco_inspector

When an employment application asks who I would like to have notified in case of emergency, I write, "An excellent doctor"