Really?
nicolepburgess91
Posts: 82 Member
in Chit-Chat
I came to this forum for support on my weight loss journey and I found a lot of that. But there are a few people on here that are very strong in their belief that they know everything and they talk down to you and manage to make you feel about 2 inches tall and dumb. I'm seriously considering removing MFP because I only use it for the support and community. But I can't even post on here without someone jumping in knowing everything and making me feel stupid for asking questions.
Is anyone else having this problem on this forum or is it just me?
Is anyone else having this problem on this forum or is it just me?
22
Replies
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This is the internet where you will meet all types of people. Ignore and don't let it affect your goals. If they are violating a rule then report them and move on. This thread doesn't help anything sadly.27
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OP, I feel like this thread is unlikely to generate the type of response you're looking for.
There are people here who have rubbed me the wrong way. Ignoring them works really well for me, it might be a strategy you could use.20 -
Letting a few people who bother you out of a message board that thousands visit is unsettling. Just ignore them.8
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It's been my experience that every helpful poster on these forums, every single one, will be called rude, mean, negative, troll, bully, etc. at some point or another no matter how carefully they phrase their advice. Posts like this tend not to be very helpful. When every helpful poster is called out as mean at some point or another, then making a post like this without examples or qualifications just ends up pointing fingers at everyone.
There is some actual rudeness that goes above and beyond what should be acceptable here. Report it (use the actual report function not the flags) or call it out where you see it. But posts like this just add to the negative atmosphere that you're trying to combat instead of solving anything.30 -
Which thread do you feel you were spoken down to on?
We can't really judge it with out reading it.9 -
With there being thousands of users there are going to be some we just don't rub along with. It's like life. I accept that here. I have other forms of social media that I keep as more of an echo chamber (mostly because politics, heh) but there is a lot of value in seeing differing opinions, just depends if you've the constitution for it.7
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I experience this problem sometimes - in my context, I'm not always supported here, and am vehemently argued against, because sometimes I'm being silly, or people honestly disagree (and sometimes I think the other person is rude, but supporting me has nothing to do with that). That's very healthy, and I think it's unhealthy to shield oneself from.
Without any context (ie. the thread/replies in question) it's impossible to see/clarify where the problem is. Because what you described and the way you described it might, but doesn't necessarily, sound like anyone was really being rude or mean at all.
I'm not saying nobody was being rude to you; just that vague accusations of "know-it-alls" and people being unsupportive are just so frequently co-opted by the very worst and most abusive actors on this forum whose real problem is expecting to shoot their mouth off however they like without being contradicted, so that stuff just kinda raises a red flag and puts regulars on the defensive without exposing any bad behaviour.4 -
I've seen it too OP,just some "know it all's" but there's more helpful people than negative ones,it benefits you to stay so just ignore the know it alls and focus on the progress you'll make2
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Are you referring to your stationary bike post? If yes, I cannot see anything mean/negative. *shrug*whittlepauly wrote: »I've seen it too OP,just some "know it all's" but there's more helpful people than negative ones,it benefits you to stay so just ignore the know it alls and focus on the progress you'll make
Labelling people as "know it all" is just as bad. How do you know they aren't professionals? There are many personal trainers, dietitians, scientists and health care professionals who take time out of their busy lives to help us out for free on here. No need to slam someone for knowing what they're talking about, or for sharing their experiences.
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whittlepauly wrote: »I've seen it too OP,just some "know it all's" but there's more helpful people than negative ones,it benefits you to stay so just ignore the know it alls and focus on the progress you'll make
How do you personally tell the difference? I'm curious.6 -
cerise_noir wrote: »Are you referring to your stationary bike post? If yes, I cannot see anything mean/negative. *shrug*whittlepauly wrote: »I've seen it too OP,just some "know it all's" but there's more helpful people than negative ones,it benefits you to stay so just ignore the know it alls and focus on the progress you'll make
Labelling people as "know it all" is just as bad. How do you know they aren't professionals? There are many personal trainers, dietitians, scientists and health care professionals who take time out of their busy lives to help us out for free on here. No need to slam someone for knowing what they're talking about, or for sharing their experiences.
It's always the people who claim others are being mean who are the first to throw insults around on these types of threads. Always. One day maybe I'll understand why.17 -
Internetz....
There is no internet utopia...5 -
diannethegeek wrote: »
It's always the people who claim others are being mean who are the first to throw insults around on these types of threads. Always. One day maybe I'll understand why.
Dismissing people as "know it all" etc. is too often a huge red flag for fragile narcissism, but that doesn't mean that it isn't a false positive, or that the OP didn't really experience bad behaviour from someone else. Going by the info in this thread we simply have no way to tell.
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I think that a lot of it comes from people that have been on here and have had great success and that they are offering the benefit of their experience. They know what works for them, and many others.
Personally, I take advice with a grain of salt. Try what I think will work for me, keep it if it does, discard it if it doesn't. None of us are exactly the same. Finding what works for each of us is key to success. No one can know us as well as we know our selves.
OP, developing a thick skin may help. Most people here are extremely helpful.8 -
cerise_noir wrote: »Are you referring to your stationary bike post? If yes, I cannot see anything mean/negative. *shrug*whittlepauly wrote: »I've seen it too OP,just some "know it all's" but there's more helpful people than negative ones,it benefits you to stay so just ignore the know it alls and focus on the progress you'll make
Labelling people as "know it all" is just as bad. How do you know they aren't professionals? There are many personal trainers, dietitians, scientists and health care professionals who take time out of their busy lives to help us out for free on here. No need to slam someone for knowing what they're talking about, or for sharing their experiences.
I have never been part of an online community where the people who regularly share good content (based in either their professional or personal experiences) are so regularly derided by those who -- for whatever reason -- rarely do the work of helping other posters. It may not have been OP's intention to create this type of thread, but it's so vague I'm not sure who or what she's talking about. And then, of course, the insults begin from someone else. I mean, heaven forbid someone know something when trying to give help or advice to a stranger who is asking for it . . .18 -
janejellyroll wrote: »cerise_noir wrote: »Are you referring to your stationary bike post? If yes, I cannot see anything mean/negative. *shrug*whittlepauly wrote: »I've seen it too OP,just some "know it all's" but there's more helpful people than negative ones,it benefits you to stay so just ignore the know it alls and focus on the progress you'll make
Labelling people as "know it all" is just as bad. How do you know they aren't professionals? There are many personal trainers, dietitians, scientists and health care professionals who take time out of their busy lives to help us out for free on here. No need to slam someone for knowing what they're talking about, or for sharing their experiences.
I have never been part of an online community where the people who regularly share good content (based in either their professional or personal experiences) are so regularly derided by those who -- for whatever reason -- rarely do the work of helping other posters. It may not have been OP's intention to create this type of thread, but it's so vague I'm not sure who or what she's talking about. And then, of course, the insults begin from someone else. I mean, heaven forbid someone know something when trying to give help or advice to a stranger who is asking for it . . .
Well said.6 -
comeonnow142857 wrote: »diannethegeek wrote: »
It's always the people who claim others are being mean who are the first to throw insults around on these types of threads. Always. One day maybe I'll understand why.
Dismissing people as "know it all" etc. is too often a huge red flag for fragile narcissism, but that doesn't mean that it isn't a false positive, or that the OP didn't really experience bad behaviour from someone else. Going by the info in this thread we simply have no way to tell.
I assumed it was the thread where she advised a male losing 4 pounds a week not to eat more, but you're right that we don't have enough information.0 -
In work, I'm made feel dumb all the time (because I work a complicated job with minimal training and everyone else is more experienced and really good at their jobs). The trick is to recognise that this is a good thing, and to feel good about it (overall, obviously the heart sinks when you recognise a mistake).
Here, especially that personal trainer with the red under his sig often makes me feel dumb. (Because he makes me realize I know jack). That's a really, really good thing. I recognise a little humility I needed, learn, and appreciate being that 1% less arrogant (no matter how far I've left to go
)
To shield oneself from being made to feel dumb, or to appreciate/enjoy it in any way, puts a huge ceiling on open-mindedness, willingness to learn, and developing a thick skin and healthy relationship with humility. It means I will often only allow myself to learn from people who don't know what they're talking about so long as it makes me feel good, or that I will feel really bad when I get the learning I do need.
NOT saying the OP needs to do this, or that it applies to this situation.
Just some ramblings because the phrasing is sometimes a red flag for a bad attitude (NOT necessarily in OP's case) and being made to feel dumb is something that more people need to embrace in a healthy manner.22 -
This is a free and public forum on the internet. Of course there are some unhelpful people here. There are also helpful people, nice people, angry people, happy people, experienced people, rude people, trolls, white knights, professionals, dumb people, smart people, and underage kids who created fake accounts. There are people of all ages and from all over the world. You're gonna hear some stuff you don't want to.
If a couple of bad apples are going to upset you to the point you would dump the whole app, perhaps you should just stick to the Motivation and Support forum and your newsfeed.
I must live a tougher life than I give myself credit for! People disagree with me and act like they think they know more than me IRL all the time, learning how to take the good and shrug off the bad is a pretty awesome life skill to develop.16 -
comeonnow142857 wrote: »In work, I'm made feel dumb all the time (because I work a complicated job with minimal training and everyone else is more experienced). The trick is to recognise that this is a good thing, and to feel good about it (overall, obviously the heart sinks when you recognise a mistake).
Here, especially that personal trainer with the red under his sig often makes me feel dumb. (Because he makes me realize I know jack). That's a really, really good thing. I recognise a little humility I needed, learn, and appreciate being that 1% less arrogant (no matter how far I've left to go)
To shield oneself from being made to feel dumb, or to appreciate/enjoy it in any way, puts a huge ceiling on open-mindedness, willingness to learn, and developing a thick skin and healthy relationship with humility. It means I will often only allow myself to learn from people who don't know what they're talking about so long as it makes me feel good.
NOT saying the OP needs to do this, or that it applies to this situation.
Just some ramblings because the phrasing is sometimes a red flag for a bad attitude (NOT necessarily in OP's case) and being made to feel dumb is something that more people need to embrace in a healthy manner.
Wow, this is the truest truth. I'm copying this now because I feel like this thread is not long for this world and I want to reread it every so often.7 -
There are quite a few people here who are actually quite well versed in nutrition and fitness and have a lot of experience and have had great success...they typically have done a lot of research and continue to research and look at actual science.13
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@comeonnow142857 I don't think anyone tries to make some one feel dumb. I just see people trying to educate people.
I learn so much from this site.8 -
comeonnow142857 wrote: »In work, I'm made feel dumb all the time (because I work a complicated job with minimal training and everyone else is more experienced and really good at their jobs). The trick is to recognise that this is a good thing, and to feel good about it (overall, obviously the heart sinks when you recognise a mistake).
Here, especially that personal trainer with the red under his sig often makes me feel dumb. (Because he makes me realize I know jack). That's a really, really good thing. I recognise a little humility I needed, learn, and appreciate being that 1% less arrogant (no matter how far I've left to go)
To shield oneself from being made to feel dumb, or to appreciate/enjoy it in any way, puts a huge ceiling on open-mindedness, willingness to learn, and developing a thick skin and healthy relationship with humility. It means I will often only allow myself to learn from people who don't know what they're talking about so long as it makes me feel good, or that I will feel really bad when I get the learning I do need.
NOT saying the OP needs to do this, or that it applies to this situation.
Just some ramblings because the phrasing is sometimes a red flag for a bad attitude (NOT necessarily in OP's case) and being made to feel dumb is something that more people need to embrace in a healthy manner.
This is an awesome point! I've had many of my beliefs and knowledge challenged, and if you take it on board you will either be more confident in what you know and believe, or realize you were wrong or your knowledge was incomplete, and learn and improve.6 -
RuNaRoUnDaFiEld wrote: »@comeonnow142857 I don't think anyone tries to make some one feel dumb. I just see people trying to educate people.
I learn so much from this site.
For the most part, I don't disagree. It's not about people trying to make me feel dumb... I just feel dumb when somebody much better at something learns me on a mistake, or me assuming I knew better than I did. It's humility and especially with an ego as large as mine, it's healthy.
On the phone in work the other day, I mixed up forms that a customer had to sign. My dep manager after I hung up: "Joe. That form doesn't exist for that purpose". She wasn't trying to make me feel dumb. I felt hella dumb. But it was a positive experience out of the mistake. A bad attitude would have made it a negative experience (and toxified my own personality). The sinking feeling of humility can really help ingrain a memory/high level of consciousness about a weakness or gap in skill. That's a good thing!
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OP, maybe you are missing a learning opportunity here.
Don't know which since I'm not going to read your post history.
- Thicken your skin a bit and not require positive feedback from every poster on what you say. You should be able to separate the facts from emotion in posts and know which posters deserve to be discounted.
- Learn to take constructive criticism. Maybe these posters are making valid points that you shouldn't discount.
I urge you to stick it out, with only 39 posts you don't have much of a history here yet. Stay engaged and keep learning.7 -
cerise_noir wrote: »Are you referring to your stationary bike post? If yes,
No, I'm not referring to that post. But I'm also not going to cite specific examples because that's pointing a finger at someone and causing an issue where that person/those people feel like they must defend themselves. I didn't create this forum to create issues. I created it to resolve an issue by first seeing if I was the only one who had the issue. Because if I was the only one, then I'm clearly misinturpreting something. This thread was created for feedback, not finger pointing.
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What is a know-it-all?
Is it possible to do a wrong thing right?
Is cheering on bad ideas being supportive?
Is telling the truth negativity?
Is disagreement the same as being rude?
The diet industry has a lot to answer for. You are not alone in feeling stupid or even angry after finding out how things work. But please don't shoot the messenger. Learning new skills and more effective strategies is a blessing, but learning and unlearning sometimes hurt.16 -
nicolepburgess91 wrote: »cerise_noir wrote: »Are you referring to your stationary bike post? If yes,
No, I'm not referring to that post. But I'm also not going to cite specific examples because that's pointing a finger at someone and causing an issue where that person/those people feel like they must defend themselves. I didn't create this forum to create issues. I created it to resolve an issue by first seeing if I was the only one who had the issue. Because if I was the only one, then I'm clearly misinturpreting something. This thread was created for feedback, not finger pointing.
But it does nothing positive for the forum environment. It's life you're not going to agree with everyone.7 -
nicolepburgess91 wrote: »cerise_noir wrote: »Are you referring to your stationary bike post? If yes,
No, I'm not referring to that post. But I'm also not going to cite specific examples because that's pointing a finger at someone and causing an issue where that person/those people feel like they must defend themselves. I didn't create this forum to create issues. I created it to resolve an issue by first seeing if I was the only one who had the issue. Because if I was the only one, then I'm clearly misinturpreting something. This thread was created for feedback, not finger pointing.
So rather than cite specific incidences or approach the supposed offender privately, you've essentially pointed the finger at everyone who dared to disagree with you in the past by vague-posting. This post resolves nothing.21 -
nicolepburgess91 wrote: »No, I'm not referring to that post. But I'm also not going to cite specific examples because that's pointing a finger at someone and causing an issue where that person/those people feel like they must defend themselves. I didn't create this forum to create issues. I created it to resolve an issue by first seeing if I was the only one who had the issue. Because if I was the only one, then I'm clearly misinturpreting something. This thread was created for feedback, not finger pointing.
There's no way to resolve the issue with vague descriptions of how people made you feel. That could reflect any possible type of behaviour from anyone involved.
Everything you said in the OP is consistent with either you, them, both or nobody being the jerk.
People can only speculate from your vague description, which is just as often code for bad behaviour/attitude from the complainant (which is putting many people on the defensive), as it is from a complainant who was mistreated.
If you're not willing to confront/clarify a conflict, there is no resolution or exposure to be had. It just becomes inscrutable passive aggression.11
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