I feel like a parenting failure

Francl27
Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
in Chit-Chat
I'm at the end of my rope here. Seriously. My son is a very sweet kid... but he's seriously pushing my limits.

He got into watching Minecraft Youtube videos a couple months back because my husband let him. He seriously ended up glued for hours, which I didn't like, but it was the week end so I let it go.

Then he started sneaking upstairs to watch them instead of doing his homework. So I grounded him from watching (and took his tablet away). Now we're 2 months later and he sneaks in in the middle of the night to watch TV, falls asleep in class... I've threatened to take away all his toys... did that. Yesterday I told him that if he did it again, he'd end up in the car for an hour after school while his sister plays with her friends, instead of playing too... he was still watching TV at 4.30am this morning (I've been putting remotes away but he climbs on stuff to get them back). Of course he turns the tv off and tries to hide so he can sneak upstairs without me seeing it, but I'm not dumb... Oh and when he couldn't get the remote, he went on my husband's computer to watch (he ended up changing the password).

I'm at a loss. I'm completely exhausted because he wakes my puppy up when he does that too so I'm not getting enough sleep (she just won't go back to sleep after I take her out and just whines and whines to get out of her crate).

Friends have told me to take the tv away altogether, but watching one show at night is the only thing I do with my husband anymore and I really don't want to give that up because of him (although at this rate I'm not going to have time to watch anything because I'll be in bed at 8.30pm anyway). Next step I guess is taking the remotes to our room at night but my husband is the last one up and tends to forget... but we'll still try it I guess?

Oh and he's been stealing my husband's phone when he leaves it around and lying about it too (I took his tablet away a month ago and I don't think he's ever getting it back at this point).

He's pretty much acting like an addict. He's 9. He doesn't care about ANY consequence apparently, and with his twin sister it's really hard not to end up punishing her too. I mean, he has no toys, he can't watch tv during the day, he has nothing to do except read books at this point... what in the world more can I do? My husband is reluctant to prevent him from going to his cub scout meetings, but to be fair I don't think he would care either anyway.

Any advice? Some of my friends have seriously told me to lock him up in his room at night but that's illegal obviously, but seriously I'm losing my mind. I've talked to him several times, he knows the consequences, he knows the rules, he gets upset when I tell him that he can't see his friends because of his choices, but he doesn't change his attitude. So now I'm going to have to send him to the car at pick up then what... send him to his room when he gets home? Would he even care?

I feel like a total failure. I've heard all about using positive reinforcement instead of punishment but how in the world do you apply that to this situation? Even when I tell him that he can watch some tv again if he doesn't sneak downstairs for a week, it doesn't matter, he's still trying the next night.

Anyway, sorry for the novel.
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Replies

  • mskimee
    mskimee Posts: 228 Member
    deputy_randolph wrote: »
    You can't lock your kid in his room at night (that is illegal in my state), but you can lock up all devices.

    Positive reinforcement does work better. My kid is almost 9...some behavioral issues at school. I tried the "taking things way" approach. Didn't help. I made a chart and recorded all of the points he earned at school during the week. Based on how many points for positive behavior, he could earn tv time, computer time, etc. He can gets points deducted if he acts poorly at home. His behavior has improved. I would take the devices away and lock up at night...and try to see if he would be receptive to earning points to trade in for time on devices.

    I love the points system! My mum used this for me and my brother. Points were given for good behavior and taken away for bad behavior and our pocket money every week was based on our points. If we wanted to save for anything, it was up to us how quick we got it.

    Give it a try, see how you get on maybe?
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,178 Member
    What other interests does he have? What other activities? I would start by making sure he gets plenty of other things to do, like trying different sports, lots of playdates etc.
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
    deputy_randolph wrote: »
    You can't lock your kid in his room at night (that is illegal in my state), but you can lock up all devices.

    Positive reinforcement does work better. My kid is almost 9...some behavioral issues at school. I tried the "taking things way" approach. Didn't help. I made a chart and recorded all of the points he earned at school during the week. Based on how many points for positive behavior, he could earn tv time, computer time, etc. He can gets points deducted if he acts poorly at home. His behavior has improved. I would take the devices away and lock up at night...and try to see if he would be receptive to earning points to trade in for time on devices.

    I can't lock the tv up unfortunately! The parental controls on it are useless.
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
    mskimee wrote: »
    deputy_randolph wrote: »
    You can't lock your kid in his room at night (that is illegal in my state), but you can lock up all devices.

    Positive reinforcement does work better. My kid is almost 9...some behavioral issues at school. I tried the "taking things way" approach. Didn't help. I made a chart and recorded all of the points he earned at school during the week. Based on how many points for positive behavior, he could earn tv time, computer time, etc. He can gets points deducted if he acts poorly at home. His behavior has improved. I would take the devices away and lock up at night...and try to see if he would be receptive to earning points to trade in for time on devices.

    I love the points system! My mum used this for me and my brother. Points were given for good behavior and taken away for bad behavior and our pocket money every week was based on our points. If we wanted to save for anything, it was up to us how quick we got it.

    Give it a try, see how you get on maybe?

    He never cared for a point system. We have one on the fridge and he doesn't care about a possible reward he might get in a week.
    aggelikik wrote: »
    What other interests does he have? What other activities? I would start by making sure he gets plenty of other things to do, like trying different sports, lots of playdates etc.

    He doesn't care about anything.. has no interest in anything else. He gets to spend time with friends every Sunday but he's still downstairs watching TV on Monday at 4am.
  • Merkavar
    Merkavar Posts: 3,082 Member
    smack him with a wooden spoon, thats what happened when i misbehaved, didnt really make me behave, but it probably felt good for my parents :tongue:

    But seriously, like deputy said, positive reinforcment is likely all that will work. He is addict to TV/youtube. How can you punish him with out also interferring with his schooling etc, does a lot of his homework involve using a computer to look stuff up? Not sure what homework is like for a 9 year old.

    But it is probably a phase he will grow out of, I used to wake up at 3am etc to watch TV, meant no one else was around and I could watch what ever. Maybe try tiring him out with sport etc, so he cant stay up late or wake up at 3am.
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
    pinuplove wrote: »
    km8907 wrote: »
    Hide the router.

    This. Turn it off, unplug it at night, sleep with it under your pillow if you must. It won't stop him waking up but it will stop him watching YouTube videos if he does.

    Patenting in the internet age is HARD. Mine are 16 and almost 13 and we're walking that tightrope of 'how much access is too much' while also trying to prepare them for the real world where they'll have unfettered access to everything. I hate it.

    I'm not looking forward to that age. Both my kids are driving me up the wall at times!

    For now I think that taking the remotes with us to our room will work, if I can only get my husband to actually do it (seriously... NOT helping. He can't even get stuff away so the puppy doesn't chew on them).
  • Merkavar
    Merkavar Posts: 3,082 Member
    pinuplove wrote: »
    km8907 wrote: »
    Hide the router.

    This. Turn it off, unplug it at night, sleep with it under your pillow if you must. It won't stop him waking up but it will stop him watching YouTube videos if he does.

    Patenting in the internet age is HARD. Mine are 16 and almost 13 and we're walking that tightrope of 'how much access is too much' while also trying to prepare them for the real world where they'll have unfettered access to everything. I hate it.

    do they not have data on their mobile devices? VERY expensive data that they could use instead of wifi?
  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,871 Member
    Merkavar wrote: »
    pinuplove wrote: »
    km8907 wrote: »
    Hide the router.

    This. Turn it off, unplug it at night, sleep with it under your pillow if you must. It won't stop him waking up but it will stop him watching YouTube videos if he does.

    Patenting in the internet age is HARD. Mine are 16 and almost 13 and we're walking that tightrope of 'how much access is too much' while also trying to prepare them for the real world where they'll have unfettered access to everything. I hate it.

    do they not have data on their mobile devices? VERY expensive data that they could use instead of wifi?

    No, they don't.
  • JeromeBarry1
    JeromeBarry1 Posts: 10,179 Member
    My Minecraft kid is 20, has not graduated high school, and works at an Arby's asking, "Do you want waffle fries with that?"
    Is that what your son wants?
  • Lrupe2002
    Lrupe2002 Posts: 3 Member
    You aren't a failure! My daughter used to be the same way; not with TV but with other things. We tried everything you are doing too and none of it worked. She's 17 now so we survived and you will too. :) One thing we have learned is don't take away extracurricular activities! You could try to sit down with him and have a conversation, a "free zone" conversation where anything he says he won't get in extra trouble for. (through counseling) We have learned to ask our kids, we have 2 boys too, if they understand what they are doing is wrong. Ask why they feel the need to do whatever it is. Ask if there's something else they'd rather be doing. Make sure they understand why staying up late, too much screen time, etc. is bad. Have them re-explain it to us so we know they understand. Agree to rules; if they are a part of making the rules, they are more likely to follow them...according to the counselor...and it seems to work. Also, ask them what they think a fair punishment would be if they are caught doing whatever it is wrong again. That doesn't have to be the final punishment but compromise.

    I know I have always though 9 and 10 were too young to be making those kinds of choices but since we were at the end of our rope, we did what the counselor suggested. It worked for awhile. Then she'd get back to doing whatever and then we'd have the whole discussion all over again. She seemed to get a lot better when she knew she could discuss things with us without getting yelled at or grounded extra during the "free zone" talks. She also followed the rules she made.

    Make sure to print out the rules and have you, your husband, and son (and daughter maybe too for her rules) sign it so it's like a contract.

    Also reading parenting books helps. lol. It will give you peace of mind mostly but some of the tricks do help. I'd suggest Dare to Discipline by Dr. Dobson. Any of his books really. He doesn't speak dr speak in his books. They are straightforward.

    If all else fails, take him to a counselor AND do family counseling. Yes, it becomes a lot of appointments but it really, really helps. Good luck! You will all get past this and come out on the other end ok. :)

    **Hugs from a mom who's been there too.
  • Allgaun
    Allgaun Posts: 222 Member
    I am not familiar with the show, is it something you would normally allow...just not unlimited?

    If you would normally allow it I would give it a time limit, an hour? During the day, in the kitchen while you cook or in a public place.

    It may be that it has become more about control than the show itself. Kids are always testing limits, that's how they grow up, it's the most natural thing in the world. This has become a major standoff and is it worth it to you? You're becoming a cop over this. It's also become a game to him, trying to get around your rule.

    He's being obnoxious, but he is a nine year old boy and they are pretty obnoxious creatures. Don't worry, soon he'll be an obnoxious teenager and the problems get bigger. I vote you stand down a little and he gets to feel that he won a little. Offer a truce. He's sure to come up with something else to drive you insane as soon as this battle ends.
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
    aggelikik wrote: »
    Francl27 wrote: »
    mskimee wrote: »
    deputy_randolph wrote: »
    You can't lock your kid in his room at night (that is illegal in my state), but you can lock up all devices.

    Positive reinforcement does work better. My kid is almost 9...some behavioral issues at school. I tried the "taking things way" approach. Didn't help. I made a chart and recorded all of the points he earned at school during the week. Based on how many points for positive behavior, he could earn tv time, computer time, etc. He can gets points deducted if he acts poorly at home. His behavior has improved. I would take the devices away and lock up at night...and try to see if he would be receptive to earning points to trade in for time on devices.

    I love the points system! My mum used this for me and my brother. Points were given for good behavior and taken away for bad behavior and our pocket money every week was based on our points. If we wanted to save for anything, it was up to us how quick we got it.

    Give it a try, see how you get on maybe?

    He never cared for a point system. We have one on the fridge and he doesn't care about a possible reward he might get in a week.
    aggelikik wrote: »
    What other interests does he have? What other activities? I would start by making sure he gets plenty of other things to do, like trying different sports, lots of playdates etc.

    He doesn't care about anything.. has no interest in anything else. He gets to spend time with friends every Sunday but he's still downstairs watching TV on Monday at 4am.

    This is the parenting "failure" right there: he does not get a choice. Enroll him in soccer, swimming lessons, basketball, go out for a walk every evening, play board games together. Switch off electronics, you too.
    He is 9. You cannot take things away and expect him to just find something new to do. Especially when his own dad introduced him to minecraft. You need to show him something else to do instead, and work on this as a family.

    It costs money. I really can't afford to blow $300 on something he will not be interested in though.
    Lrupe2002 wrote: »
    You aren't a failure! My daughter used to be the same way; not with TV but with other things. We tried everything you are doing too and none of it worked. She's 17 now so we survived and you will too. :) One thing we have learned is don't take away extracurricular activities! You could try to sit down with him and have a conversation, a "free zone" conversation where anything he says he won't get in extra trouble for. (through counseling) We have learned to ask our kids, we have 2 boys too, if they understand what they are doing is wrong. Ask why they feel the need to do whatever it is. Ask if there's something else they'd rather be doing. Make sure they understand why staying up late, too much screen time, etc. is bad. Have them re-explain it to us so we know they understand. Agree to rules; if they are a part of making the rules, they are more likely to follow them...according to the counselor...and it seems to work. Also, ask them what they think a fair punishment would be if they are caught doing whatever it is wrong again. That doesn't have to be the final punishment but compromise.

    I know I have always though 9 and 10 were too young to be making those kinds of choices but since we were at the end of our rope, we did what the counselor suggested. It worked for awhile. Then she'd get back to doing whatever and then we'd have the whole discussion all over again. She seemed to get a lot better when she knew she could discuss things with us without getting yelled at or grounded extra during the "free zone" talks. She also followed the rules she made.

    Make sure to print out the rules and have you, your husband, and son (and daughter maybe too for her rules) sign it so it's like a contract.

    Also reading parenting books helps. lol. It will give you peace of mind mostly but some of the tricks do help. I'd suggest Dare to Discipline by Dr. Dobson. Any of his books really. He doesn't speak dr speak in his books. They are straightforward.

    If all else fails, take him to a counselor AND do family counseling. Yes, it becomes a lot of appointments but it really, really helps. Good luck! You will all get past this and come out on the other end ok. :)

    **Hugs from a mom who's been there too.

    I'm doing counseling for my daughter already. I'll ask her for a referral for him too. Sigh...

    She also keeps offering suggestions that really don't work for us though! Rewards, but again, my daughter doesn't care about anything either, except spending time with her friends, and it's not something I have any control on (it's actually been extremely frustrating for both of us).

    It's rough when you have kids that are not interested in anything!
  • SkinnyGirlCarrie
    SkinnyGirlCarrie Posts: 259 Member
    Partly the age - my daughter is 9yo and would rather watch the YouTubers she likes rather than any regular tv half the time so I wouldn't worry about that too much (same for her friends too, must be the generation). For her and my 12 yo son my husband and I set a "study hour" during the weeknights where they have to sit at the dining room table and do homework/study/read for that hour.

    Does he do any extra curricular activities such as sports or clubs aside from the boy scouts? My kids do a couple of sports that they really enjoy, practice a couple nights a week and it's healthy activity and tires them out.

    My husband was able to adjust some kind of setting on our router so my daughter's tablet can't access the internet after 10pm lol, so she's out of luck in that respect. I am lucky that once my kids fall asleep they are out until morning. When we had to take my son's PS4 away my husband hid the power cord! And change the passwords on your phones so even if your son takes it he can't log into it. Set up profiles on all computers and tablets so he can't access them without you logging in. Good luck!
  • pinuplove
    pinuplove Posts: 12,871 Member
    edited April 2017
    Allgaun wrote: »
    I am not familiar with the show, is it something you would normally allow...just not unlimited?

    If you would normally allow it I would give it a time limit, an hour? During the day, in the kitchen while you cook or in a public place.

    It may be that it has become more about control than the show itself. Kids are always testing limits, that's how they grow up, it's the most natural thing in the world. This has become a major standoff and is it worth it to you? You're becoming a cop over this. It's also become a game to him, trying to get around your rule.

    He's being obnoxious, but he is a nine year old boy and they are pretty obnoxious creatures. Don't worry, soon he'll be an obnoxious teenager and the problems get bigger. I vote you stand down a little and he gets to feel that he won a little. Offer a truce. He's sure to come up with something else to drive you insane as soon as this battle ends.

    Sneaking out to watch videos until 4am, on a school night, after he's been explicitly told not to, and then falling asleep in school, is not something I'd stand down on as a parent, personally.

    I know the type of videos the OP is talking about and they're not generally inappropriate content -wise, but they are effective at capturing their target audience, that's for sure. My 12yo would watch stuff like that 24/7 given free rein. I don't blame the OP for wanting to set some limits.

    I agree that during the day, in a public place, and with a time limit is a fine compromise, but it sounds like her 9yo isn't satisfied with that and keeps circumventing the established boundaries. What will letting him feel that he won a little accomplish in this scenario, other than reinforcing his misbehavior?
  • donnak7
    donnak7 Posts: 14 Member
    You're not a bad parent. The fact that you're asking questions means you care enough to figure out what to do. If he loves minecraft, embrace the minecraft. Instead of him wanting to watch the videos all the time, do something fun and active with him that revolves around minecraft. https://www.pinterest.com/explore/minecraft-activities/?lp=true Check out this link and other things on Pinterest. Make some crafts and games and have active fun with him doing exactly what he likes. This will nurture his talents instead of having him in front of a video. And also, don't completely take away the videos, just limit them to a few here and there.
  • jvcjim
    jvcjim Posts: 812 Member
    parental controls are on nearly everything .... tablets can be set to only work at set hours, most cable boxes can be set to not work during certain hours. the same is true with internet routers. cellphones can be set to use your homes wifi not data but when wifi is not avaialble some then allow data but you can hard set the data restriction by contacting your cell provider and really your husband and your cellphone should have a password set so that they are harder for the kids to access.
    i went as far as using opendns do block content at the router box by blacklisting sites and types of content.

    hiding remotes is an inconvenience not a deterrent.
  • Francl27
    Francl27 Posts: 26,371 Member
    aggelikik wrote: »
    Francl27 wrote: »
    aggelikik wrote: »
    Francl27 wrote: »
    mskimee wrote: »
    deputy_randolph wrote: »
    You can't lock your kid in his room at night (that is illegal in my state), but you can lock up all devices.

    Positive reinforcement does work better. My kid is almost 9...some behavioral issues at school. I tried the "taking things way" approach. Didn't help. I made a chart and recorded all of the points he earned at school during the week. Based on how many points for positive behavior, he could earn tv time, computer time, etc. He can gets points deducted if he acts poorly at home. His behavior has improved. I would take the devices away and lock up at night...and try to see if he would be receptive to earning points to trade in for time on devices.

    I love the points system! My mum used this for me and my brother. Points were given for good behavior and taken away for bad behavior and our pocket money every week was based on our points. If we wanted to save for anything, it was up to us how quick we got it.

    Give it a try, see how you get on maybe?

    He never cared for a point system. We have one on the fridge and he doesn't care about a possible reward he might get in a week.
    aggelikik wrote: »
    What other interests does he have? What other activities? I would start by making sure he gets plenty of other things to do, like trying different sports, lots of playdates etc.

    He doesn't care about anything.. has no interest in anything else. He gets to spend time with friends every Sunday but he's still downstairs watching TV on Monday at 4am.

    This is the parenting "failure" right there: he does not get a choice. Enroll him in soccer, swimming lessons, basketball, go out for a walk every evening, play board games together. Switch off electronics, you too.
    He is 9. You cannot take things away and expect him to just find something new to do. Especially when his own dad introduced him to minecraft. You need to show him something else to do instead, and work on this as a family.

    It costs money. I really can't afford to blow $300 on something he will not be interested in though.
    Lrupe2002 wrote: »
    You aren't a failure! My daughter used to be the same way; not with TV but with other things. We tried everything you are doing too and none of it worked. She's 17 now so we survived and you will too. :) One thing we have learned is don't take away extracurricular activities! You could try to sit down with him and have a conversation, a "free zone" conversation where anything he says he won't get in extra trouble for. (through counseling) We have learned to ask our kids, we have 2 boys too, if they understand what they are doing is wrong. Ask why they feel the need to do whatever it is. Ask if there's something else they'd rather be doing. Make sure they understand why staying up late, too much screen time, etc. is bad. Have them re-explain it to us so we know they understand. Agree to rules; if they are a part of making the rules, they are more likely to follow them...according to the counselor...and it seems to work. Also, ask them what they think a fair punishment would be if they are caught doing whatever it is wrong again. That doesn't have to be the final punishment but compromise.

    I know I have always though 9 and 10 were too young to be making those kinds of choices but since we were at the end of our rope, we did what the counselor suggested. It worked for awhile. Then she'd get back to doing whatever and then we'd have the whole discussion all over again. She seemed to get a lot better when she knew she could discuss things with us without getting yelled at or grounded extra during the "free zone" talks. She also followed the rules she made.

    Make sure to print out the rules and have you, your husband, and son (and daughter maybe too for her rules) sign it so it's like a contract.

    Also reading parenting books helps. lol. It will give you peace of mind mostly but some of the tricks do help. I'd suggest Dare to Discipline by Dr. Dobson. Any of his books really. He doesn't speak dr speak in his books. They are straightforward.

    If all else fails, take him to a counselor AND do family counseling. Yes, it becomes a lot of appointments but it really, really helps. Good luck! You will all get past this and come out on the other end ok. :)

    **Hugs from a mom who's been there too.

    I'm doing counseling for my daughter already. I'll ask her for a referral for him too. Sigh...

    She also keeps offering suggestions that really don't work for us though! Rewards, but again, my daughter doesn't care about anything either, except spending time with her friends, and it's not something I have any control on (it's actually been extremely frustrating for both of us).

    It's rough when you have kids that are not interested in anything!

    What are your interests? your priorities in life?
    Kids learn from their parents, especially at this age. Have you spent the last year these 300$ you cannot afford for e.g. soccer in buying a new phone, paying for subscription tv? Are you and your husband into sports, hiking, bike rides, painting, playing music? Do not expect from kids to do things you are not doing. If your downtime or your husbands free time are spent in front of a screen, this is what the kids will do.
    Even if you truly have no money, so no cable tv and a 5 year old cheap cell phone, then going for a daily long walk, walking the dog you mentioned, or just playing with your kid a board game, these would all be a great start.

    We don't watch TV at all except after the kids are in bed. We don't like sports at all, but we always offer to go out for walks, go to the park or something... he doesn't want anything with it. If he ends up coming, he complains the whole time (she's worse than him about that actually).

    I don't mind signing him up for things, I've just wasted a bunch of money on things he kept complaining about having to go to already and really don't have money to throw away that way (who does?). I can NEVER find something to do on week ends that they want to do either, so frankly I've pretty much given up at this point.

    As I said.. my kids don't want to do anything except hanging out with friends and watching TV.
  • jvcjim
    jvcjim Posts: 812 Member
    when all else fails a trip to the woodshed, if you do not have a woodshed then a trip outside where he can help you build one. there were times when i had to go to the woodshed and empty it out, show my dad it was empty and then restack all the wood... a meaningless, tiring punishment... Somedays, i would get a good spanking out there but usually just a workout.
  • LKArgh
    LKArgh Posts: 5,178 Member
    Sign him up for one sport. Let him know he has a choice, from things you can take him to (not 2 hours away or requiring to buy a horse for example) and that's it. Not as punishment, to promote a healthy lifestyle. He can complain every single time, he still will go, so it is in his best interest to pick an activity he prefers (or one where his friends go to). Make it clear that this is not negotiable. And follow through.
    Int he evening, go for a walk, or a bike ride. It does not matter if he is whining. Take a ball with you, or a frisbee etc.
    Schedule a board game evening and a family movie night, and an evening spent with friends. Do not ask him, there is no choice.
  • rml_16
    rml_16 Posts: 16,414 Member
    Do you have a "modern" TV? Most have the option of setting parental controls. Do that so he can't watch anything. Have your husband set a password on his phone. And maybe seek counseling for your son.
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