I feel like a parenting failure
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I am a Mom of 3 boys (now 22, 18, 13) from what I am seeing in your responses to everyone's advice is that you allow this kid to run your life because it is just too hard for you to draw the hard line and stick to it... You said the only thing he likes to do is watch tv and play with is friends... if he is not listening then you take away the tv and his friends until such time he can do as he is told. He is 9 years old, you are the parent. Parenting is hard, having to draw the line in the sand is exhausting but at the age of 9 he is running your household and will only get worse as he gets older because he knows that he can do what he wants because you are at your wits end. I would remove all the tvs in the house, put the one tv in your room so you and your husband can watch tv and your daughter can have TV time as well. I would lock up all the remotes and electronics every single night and also put a passcode that only you or your husband know to even get into the devices... Most of all he should be grounded until such time the trust was earned back. And before anyone jumps all over me about how cruel that is, again we have raised 3 boys, who knew from a young age that when we said something we meant it. Not listening to us was being disrespectful and would did not tolerated disrespect. The hardest thing as a parent is following through with what you have said. You are not a failure, parenting is not easy, they don't come with a handbook and you only learn by making mistakes along the way. STOP letting this 9 year old child run your household. His lack of respect for you is concerning... are your children responsible for chores daily? Do they have any responsibility to the house and the family? Another poster stated children need discipline and structure and that is soo true. They need to learn the value and responsibility of being part of a family if they are going to be functioning adults in society. If they can work a remote/tablet they are more than capable of loading/unloading the dish washer, bring the garbage to the curb, putting their laundry away, vacuuming the living room etc. Our boys have had age related chores since they were young, responsible for doing their own laundry at 10 (because ya know, they are boys and well I wasn't washing crunchy clothes)
Again I am not trying to sound like super Mom here, I am just talking out of experience, you sound exhausted and have already thrown in the towel (being said strictly from reading your responses to others advice) it will get a whole lot worse if you can't nip this in the bud now. Also there is no shame in going to therapy, my oldest was a terror on wheels and we ended up going to counseling because he was trying to divide the home and I was having none of that... you would be surprised what causes our kids display destructive/disrespectful behavior. (he was being picked on at school so when he was home he was trying to bully us) Was soo worth the money seeing that counselor. Not saying your kid has an issue going on, just throwing it out there. Good luck... 4 -
DeficitDuchess wrote: »DeficitDuchess wrote: »By the way, 23,886 posts? Where are you spending your time? Who did he learn from? Sorry, to be hard, but you need hard answers to an extreme problem of control. Maybe internet should be off in your house for 23 hours a day and only allow 1 hour for email. That includes anything on the phone except phone calls.
She's been here since January 2013 that, isn't a lot within; 4 plus years for most!
That averages out to 14.5 posts a day. So yeah.... Monkey see, Monkey do...billvau wrote: »
By the way, 23,886 posts? Where are you spending your time? Who did he learn from? Sorry, to be hard, but you need hard answers to an extreme problem of control. Maybe internet should be off in your house for 23 hours a day and only allow 1 hour for email. That includes anything on the phone except phone calls.
DeficitDuchess: She's been here since January 2013 that, isn't a lot within; 4 plus years for most!
Oh my. you're serious with your comment. She's AVERAGED 15 posts per day for 4 years, 4 months! ON a tiny corner of the web in the middle of nowhere - a website for counting calories. To do 15 posts and the associated reading would mean an average of a couple of hours per day. For 4 years, 4 months! Seriously. Harsh reality - our children get a PHD in being just like us. I like to say, "The best thing about my children is that they are just like me. And, the worst thing about my children is that they are just like me."
23,886 posts ANYWHERE, for ANY TIME on the web, on one site is HUGE. That's a major time investment is small-talk and is a HUGE time sink - time waster.
Pastor BillDeficitDuchess wrote: »By the way, 23,886 posts? Where are you spending your time? Who did he learn from? Sorry, to be hard, but you need hard answers to an extreme problem of control. Maybe internet should be off in your house for 23 hours a day and only allow 1 hour for email. That includes anything on the phone except phone calls.
She's been here since January 2013 that, isn't a lot within; 4 plus years for most!
So 24000 in say 4 years works out to be about 16 posts per day... that seems like a fair bit to me!
I have been here since 2009 and have 11,000, about 4/day on average.
How's figuring the math of, someone else's post count not; a waste of time?
Well it is simple, took maybe 12-15 seconds.. and wasn't in front of kids2 -
We don't like sports at all, but we always offer to go out for walks, go to the park or something... he doesn't want anything with it. If he ends up coming, he complains the whole time (she's worse than him about that actually).
You're giving your kids too many choices. My parents didn't "offer" to take us on a walk, to the park, or on a family bike ride. If I didn't want to go? Too bad, it's family bike ride time here's your helmet. If I whined and complained the whole time? My parents ignored me and talked amongst themselves while I sulked. Eventually my behaviour modified because the buttons I was trying to push weren't working and I wasn't getting anything I wanted.
Good luck
I agree with @bronnyd
Don't let him tell you what he is or isn't going to do. You were not put on this Earth to wait on him hand and foot. Kids need to know there are consequences for their actions.1 -
DeficitDuchess wrote: »texasleahgirl wrote: »I know it is out of fashion, but after disobeying of this magnitude and grounding me didn't work, my dad would have sat me down, talked to me about why this was so important that I respect that he has my best interest in mind and then he would have spanked my rear and I would have never done that again.
Counseling because your kid doesn't mind at 9 years old?? Seems to me that will cause a future problem in that now the precedent is set that every decision involving the welfare of your child that he disagrees with must involve a 3rd party to overrule or solidify your authority. This is just a phase and you have to do whatever it takes to assert your obligation as a parent to make the best decisions for your child. If he were getting up at 4 am to guzzle coke or eat cookies, you would quit buying that stuff so he couldn't even if it meant that you couldn't have it anymore. What if he was watching porn at 9 years old? If that means that you have to unhook the router and lock up the remotes, even without the help of your husband then you must do so. Parenting is never convenient.
(And by the way i completely respect families that make the decision to not spank. But I also understand that in some cases there is a necessary time for appropriate and reasonable corporal punishment reserved for serious acts of defiance or endangerment to their welfare, and so I respect that decision as well)
Actually most, serious acts of; defiance & endangerment're a direct result of, the child previously; being spanked! I've seen many, children hit; their parent because their parent hit, them 1st and/or the child did something dangerous to; actually get hit because the child was so, desperate for their neglectful parent to; pay attention to them!
I was very rarely spanked as a young child and only when the situation warranted it and would never consider hitting them back. All of my friends were raised the same way, in a loving home with a very well-known "bright line" that we did not ever cross without knowing BEFOREHAND that there were serious consequences on the other side. None of us were defiant, or hit our parents. However none of our parents neglected us for television or the internet either. I completely agree that spanking in anger, yelling and violence are no way to steer a child to respect a parent's authority and when done so it that way can cause lasting damage.
However, I do believe that there is a correct way to judiciously use corporate punishment for certain children that respond to it. Some children are inherently "pleasers" and respond to discussion and never ever need to be spanked. Other children are "testers" and want to push the boundaries to see where that "bright line" is---do my folks mean what they say? do i really have to mind or can i push a few more inches? I was never spanked in anger or in a rush. The few times that I was spanked it was for very serious offenses and there was a discussion and a thought period beforehand and I never not one moment doubted that my parents loved me and had my best interest at heart.3 -
Gimsteinn1 wrote: »So let me get this straight, your kid is showing interest in video games and how to work those and you're punishing him and now he feels like he has to hide it from you in order to get what he wants and likes?
Sit down, open minecraft and play with the kid. He seems to love this *kitten* so why are you so against it?
Video games are a great way to learn. Trust me I know. I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old who's fluent in 2 languages cause of video games and youtube. They both look up videos to watch them and learn how to do stuff in the games they play.
Everyday my children have to do a few things before they get to play with their Xbox or the Ipads.
The 6 YO needs to finish her homework, wash one load of laundry and tidy up her room
The 4 YO needs to take out the trash and tidy his room.
And they both have to go to bed on time and eat healthy food if they wan't to keep their Xbox and Ipads or they don't get to play the day after. Works like a charm.
When that's done they can do what they want. If they wanna go out to play they go out, if they wanna be on the computer then they can do that.
I'd much rather they play video games where they have to interact and use their mind to do stuff and solve puzzles rather then sneak around stealing my phone to watch youtube.
And by the way... I live with a video game designer who makes good money making this *kitten*. If your kids are showing that much interest in games, sign them up for a programming course and encourage their interest. This could end up being their career.
This is awesome!
I don't think the problem with this kid is the fact that he is playing video games. It is the fact that he thinks he is ENTITLED to play them any time he wishes even to his own detriment in school performance. You are ensuring that your children are EARNING their video game time which is a different situation entirely.1 -
I'm at the end of my rope here. Seriously. My son is a very sweet kid... but he's seriously pushing my limits.
He got into watching Minecraft Youtube videos a couple months back because my husband let him. He seriously ended up glued for hours, which I didn't like, but it was the week end so I let it go.
Almost all parents are dealing with it these days. I've gone through the same with both of my boys, and still having periodic issues with my 13 year old. For us, we just had to take a hard line and create guidelines for just how much time is spent there. We put chores and homework first, and they must earn computer/game time. If work is not done, and done well, then they don't earn it. That simple. If they try to sneak in time, or such they get grounded from everything for a few days. I also have full control of all internet access for home devices and cell phones, and I have turned that off when needed to make my point.
I mean, I don't care they play games and watch videos, but only if they earn that time, and that it isn't the only thing they do. I love taking the boys outside and in the garage to do DIY work, and they get a good sense of accomplishment which can help them understand productive things can be satisfying. And I talk to them A LOT about productivity overall, showing them how to do little things each day to make bigger accomplishments.
I also keep both boys busy with sports and such almost every day.
Now, I also see that as they get older and start hanging out with friends the computer time and such starts to fade anyway, but the quicker you help direct them to balance out productive needs over entertainment wants the better they will be.
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Actually most, serious acts of; defiance & endangerment're a direct result of, the child previously; being spanked! I've seen many, children hit; their parent because their parent hit, them 1st and/or the child did something dangerous to; actually get hit because the child was so, desperate for their neglectful parent to; pay attention to them![/quote]
It's very difficult to read your sentences with all the weird punctuation that doesn't belong, but I highly disagree with this statement. My brother and I were both spanked as children and this did NOT happen to us, nor did it happen to my own daughter or his 3 daughters. This is a blanket statement that does not apply to everyone. Sorry if spanking is frowned upon nowadays, but let me tell you - we had respect for our parents and all they had to do was give us the "look" and we immediately stopped misbehaving. I only had to swat my daughter once on the butt to get my point across and never had to do it again. She did not grow up fearful of me and she's a very respectful 19 yr old now.4 -
deputy_randolph wrote: »You can't lock your kid in his room at night (that is illegal in my state), but you can lock up all devices.
Positive reinforcement does work better. My kid is almost 9...some behavioral issues at school. I tried the "taking things way" approach. Didn't help. I made a chart and recorded all of the points he earned at school during the week. Based on how many points for positive behavior, he could earn tv time, computer time, etc. He can gets points deducted if he acts poorly at home. His behavior has improved. I would take the devices away and lock up at night...and try to see if he would be receptive to earning points to trade in for time on devices.
I love the points system! My mum used this for me and my brother. Points were given for good behavior and taken away for bad behavior and our pocket money every week was based on our points. If we wanted to save for anything, it was up to us how quick we got it.
Give it a try, see how you get on maybe?
He never cared for a point system. We have one on the fridge and he doesn't care about a possible reward he might get in a week.What other interests does he have? What other activities? I would start by making sure he gets plenty of other things to do, like trying different sports, lots of playdates etc.
He doesn't care about anything.. has no interest in anything else. He gets to spend time with friends every Sunday but he's still downstairs watching TV on Monday at 4am.
Parenting isn't easy. I homeschool my four kiddos and work from home. I've got one with cognitive delays and one with ADHD. Communication, consistency, and structure are key. Kids are kids, regardless of any disorders or disabilities. They can smell the waffling parent a mile away, and will exploit it for their own benefit. They know that if one parent regularly disagrees with a point, that one parent becomes a tool for whatever emotional/material gratification the child is after (something I recently learned during my divorce - yikes). They also pick up on the lack of communication in a household. If you all are not sitting down as a family to brainstorm ideas, or don't have a routine that you follow for activities, you can easily confuse a child, and make him feel less validated.
Let him have a voice. Don't shoot down his ideas. He may also want to try to differentiate himself more from his twin sister. Recognize his individuality in a positive fashion, and really listen to what he is communicating, both verbally and nonverbally. The reason he's drawn to Minecraft is because a parent has taken the time to show him this activity. There was something about that attention he received that he does not normally receive at home.
He can get both the attention he needs and feel more involved in the family if you are a disciplined and consistent parent. I would think this would be the cornerstone of any household with children that has to spend a large part of their day away from each other because of work, school and other activities. Admittedly, I've only met a few parents that assume it's the school's job to make a home schedule and the friends' parents job to raise/fill up the day for their child/children. Don't give up, and you won't be a failure. Good luck
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My friend uses Disney Circle. She has complete control over the kids devices, if she asks them to do something and gives them a time limit and they don't, she just completely shuts off the wifi no matter what they were doing at the time, they won't be able to keep doing it. At night before you go to bed, shut off the wifi so they can't access anything while you are asleep.0
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I hesitated to answer you. I'm 62 and grew up with 5 brothers and have 3 sons of my own now--23, 29 and 30. Franci, I've seen alot of your posts over the years. The problem here is that your son has no respect for you as a disciplinarian. This problem will get worse as he gets to be a teenager. What can you do now? As you've seen--not much. He's only 9, but the dye is cast. My question here is--where the heck is your husband? Your husband started his son on this lovely journey with no rules set down. It's up to him to step in. I'd just tell him to fix things now. What you're doing is not working. Males respect someone who is powerful, and they keep testing. It's the same with animals. If that puppy grows up to be a dog that does whatever he wants, I won't be surprised. I don't mean to be critical, I've seen alot of parents whose children don't listen to them. You have to start when they're babies. You give them love and cuddles, but when you say something, they should listen. I thought I was so mean with my boys (my sisters in law all said so), but now my sons talking among themselves about their cousins say "well what do you expect, they grew up doing whatever they wanted". I wish you luck here.4
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snowflake954 wrote: »I hesitated to answer you. I'm 62 and grew up with 5 brothers and have 3 sons of my own now--23, 29 and 30. Franci, I've seen alot of your posts over the years. The problem here is that your son has no respect for you as a disciplinarian. This problem will get worse as he gets to be a teenager. What can you do now? As you've seen--not much. He's only 9, but the dye is cast. My question here is--where the heck is your husband? Your husband started his son on this lovely journey with no rules set down. It's up to him to step in. I'd just tell him to fix things now. What you're doing is not working. Males respect someone who is powerful, and they keep testing. It's the same with animals. If that puppy grows up to be a dog that does whatever he wants, I won't be surprised. I don't mean to be critical, I've seen alot of parents whose children don't listen to them. You have to start when they're babies. You give them love and cuddles, but when you say something, they should listen. I thought I was so mean with my boys (my sisters in law all said so), but now my sons talking among themselves about their cousins say "well what do you expect, they grew up doing whatever they wanted". I wish you luck here.
This is a tough situation to be in and I sympathize with you. That being said, you, your husband, someone needs to take the bull by the horns and get this kind of behavior under control. I have 3 kids (one of which is a 9 year old boy) and they have all pushed my limits to a certain degree. However, they know I mean business when I ask them to do something, punish them, whatever. You mentioned that even getting them to bed is a nightmare. Why??? You are the parent. They do not get a say. It's time for you to get tough and start laying down the laws and sticking to your guns. The idea of taking the remotes to bed is a great one, but you mentioned that you can't leave it up to your husband to actually member to do it. You/he has to follow through. It sounds like your son knows he can get over on you which is why he could care less about being punished because he knows someone will not follow through, maybe forget to bring the remotes to bed or forget to pad lock the power cord and he will get what he wants anyway.
You are the parent. He is the child. What you say goes. Follow through.
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Trying to reply in order...
I'm a SAHM, as I've mentioned. I'm awake in average 2 hours every morning before my kids... I have my coffee and browse the web/read the forums. Then I make them lunch and get them ready for school.
Then I'm alone all day. I have lunch at my computer after the gym, other than that I do chores, cooking, groceries, go for walks etc. Then I pick them up from school. If they play after school, that's home at 4.15pm. I help with homework, make dinner. After dinner I usually try to go for a walk (and try to get them out with me) or just do things in the house until bedtime.
They really don't see me at the computer that much (plus now with the puppy I'm outside with her every 30 minutes or something). On week ends, if we're not doing something, I'm usually out running errands, at the gym, or going for a walk. I go nuts if I sit more than an hour or so, so there's really not that much sitting around. I used to play video games all day, sure, but I've changed a lot in the last 4 years (they actually bore me now).
Also I have absolutely no problem with my kids playing games or being on their tablet actually. It becomes a problem when they complain when you ask them to put them down, when they get on them instead of doing what we ask them to do (homework, going in the shower) - that's when they lose them. That's how the whole thing started really... he got punished because he sneaked upstairs to watch tv instead of doing his homework, then started sneaking to do it even though he was grounded for a week (at the time).
About 'the talk', I've done it a few times, but yep, another one is in order.Gimsteinn1 wrote: »So let me get this straight, your kid is showing interest in video games and how to work those and you're punishing him and now he feels like he has to hide it from you in order to get what he wants and likes?
Sit down, open minecraft and play with the kid. He seems to love this *kitten* so why are you so against it?
Video games are a great way to learn. Trust me I know. I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old who's fluent in 2 languages cause of video games and youtube. They both look up videos to watch them and learn how to do stuff in the games they play.
Everyday my children have to do a few things before they get to play with their Xbox or the Ipads.
The 6 YO needs to finish her homework, wash one load of laundry and tidy up her room
The 4 YO needs to take out the trash and tidy his room.
And they both have to go to bed on time and eat healthy food if they wan't to keep their Xbox and Ipads or they don't get to play the day after. Works like a charm.
When that's done they can do what they want. If they wanna go out to play they go out, if they wanna be on the computer then they can do that.
I'd much rather they play video games where they have to interact and use their mind to do stuff and solve puzzles rather then sneak around stealing my phone to watch youtube.
And by the way... I live with a video game designer who makes good money making this *kitten*. If your kids are showing that much interest in games, sign them up for a programming course and encourage their interest. This could end up being their career.
This is actually exactly the way we did things before it escalated out of hand, lol. My daughter's counselor was saying to let her have 15 more minutes of tablet as reward or whatnot... but we never even restricted it in the first place, as long as they were respectful and did what they were supposed to do first.
So yeah, I want to follow through (I told him, no tv for a week, and if he stops he can watch it again in a week, but he just doesn't stop), and I am, it just doesn't do a thing, which is what's driving me nuts.
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You're not the failure, society is.
If you weren't worried for your son, you might be closer to it.
I'd recommend playing games with him a bit, but make sure he knows there are allowable times, maybe an hour or two a day where he can play it.
@Gimsteinn1 hits the nail on the head.
This time is only after doing some chores/homework.
Bed time stays, all tech stays out of the bedroom.
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I would start saving up money to send my kid to junior military school/camp if he was really acting that selfish. I would be too worried that things could get worse as he gets older. It's a serious option.
Sometimes parents need to recognize their limits. Smart kids get scared and change their act quickly when they face motivational discipline from an expert.
Call a few Junior cadet schools/leadership camps and share your story. Make sure the boy is part of the conversation and follow through with any choices so the kid knows you are serious.
If a parent is all talk and no walk then they are a doormat for kids to step on.2 -
Trying to reply in order...
I'm a SAHM, as I've mentioned. I'm awake in average 2 hours every morning before my kids... I have my coffee and browse the web/read the forums. Then I make them lunch and get them ready for school.
Then I'm alone all day. I have lunch at my computer after the gym, other than that I do chores, cooking, groceries, go for walks etc. Then I pick them up from school. If they play after school, that's home at 4.15pm. I help with homework, make dinner. After dinner I usually try to go for a walk (and try to get them out with me) or just do things in the house until bedtime.
They really don't see me at the computer that much (plus now with the puppy I'm outside with her every 30 minutes or something). On week ends, if we're not doing something, I'm usually out running errands, at the gym, or going for a walk. I go nuts if I sit more than an hour or so, so there's really not that much sitting around. I used to play video games all day, sure, but I've changed a lot in the last 4 years (they actually bore me now).
Also I have absolutely no problem with my kids playing games or being on their tablet actually. It becomes a problem when they complain when you ask them to put them down, when they get on them instead of doing what we ask them to do (homework, going in the shower) - that's when they lose them. That's how the whole thing started really... he got punished because he sneaked upstairs to watch tv instead of doing his homework, then started sneaking to do it even though he was grounded for a week (at the time).
About 'the talk', I've done it a few times, but yep, another one is in order.Gimsteinn1 wrote: »So let me get this straight, your kid is showing interest in video games and how to work those and you're punishing him and now he feels like he has to hide it from you in order to get what he wants and likes?
Sit down, open minecraft and play with the kid. He seems to love this *kitten* so why are you so against it?
Video games are a great way to learn. Trust me I know. I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old who's fluent in 2 languages cause of video games and youtube. They both look up videos to watch them and learn how to do stuff in the games they play.
Everyday my children have to do a few things before they get to play with their Xbox or the Ipads.
The 6 YO needs to finish her homework, wash one load of laundry and tidy up her room
The 4 YO needs to take out the trash and tidy his room.
And they both have to go to bed on time and eat healthy food if they wan't to keep their Xbox and Ipads or they don't get to play the day after. Works like a charm.
When that's done they can do what they want. If they wanna go out to play they go out, if they wanna be on the computer then they can do that.
I'd much rather they play video games where they have to interact and use their mind to do stuff and solve puzzles rather then sneak around stealing my phone to watch youtube.
And by the way... I live with a video game designer who makes good money making this *kitten*. If your kids are showing that much interest in games, sign them up for a programming course and encourage their interest. This could end up being their career.
This is actually exactly the way we did things before it escalated out of hand, lol. My daughter's counselor was saying to let her have 15 more minutes of tablet as reward or whatnot... but we never even restricted it in the first place, as long as they were respectful and did what they were supposed to do first.
So yeah, I want to follow through (I told him, no tv for a week, and if he stops he can watch it again in a week, but he just doesn't stop), and I am, it just doesn't do a thing, which is what's driving me nuts.
You try to get them to go for a walk? At 9 years old, they don't have a choice.3 -
We had the same problem with my 9 year old when he was 8 and became a YouTube addict. We just decided to take a two week media fast - the whole family. Instead of looking at screens we went outside, played board games as a family, had Lego building contests and, honestly, spent a lot more time together. The kids also got back into reading and doing crafts (although the clean up was kinda epic). And my husband and I started a couple new hobbies together. The first few days totally sucked, I will confess. Whiny kids who were sooooooo bored, but I kept telling them "your boredom is not my problem" and handed out chores for whining. After the first three days or so the kids got the hang of it and barely seemed to miss the screen time. These days they have to earn screen time, and we lock all the electronics at night so no one can sneak, but overall things are better. You are definitely not a bad parent!3
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TavistockToad wrote: »Trying to reply in order...
I'm a SAHM, as I've mentioned. I'm awake in average 2 hours every morning before my kids... I have my coffee and browse the web/read the forums. Then I make them lunch and get them ready for school.
Then I'm alone all day. I have lunch at my computer after the gym, other than that I do chores, cooking, groceries, go for walks etc. Then I pick them up from school. If they play after school, that's home at 4.15pm. I help with homework, make dinner. After dinner I usually try to go for a walk (and try to get them out with me) or just do things in the house until bedtime.
They really don't see me at the computer that much (plus now with the puppy I'm outside with her every 30 minutes or something). On week ends, if we're not doing something, I'm usually out running errands, at the gym, or going for a walk. I go nuts if I sit more than an hour or so, so there's really not that much sitting around. I used to play video games all day, sure, but I've changed a lot in the last 4 years (they actually bore me now).
Also I have absolutely no problem with my kids playing games or being on their tablet actually. It becomes a problem when they complain when you ask them to put them down, when they get on them instead of doing what we ask them to do (homework, going in the shower) - that's when they lose them. That's how the whole thing started really... he got punished because he sneaked upstairs to watch tv instead of doing his homework, then started sneaking to do it even though he was grounded for a week (at the time).
About 'the talk', I've done it a few times, but yep, another one is in order.Gimsteinn1 wrote: »So let me get this straight, your kid is showing interest in video games and how to work those and you're punishing him and now he feels like he has to hide it from you in order to get what he wants and likes?
Sit down, open minecraft and play with the kid. He seems to love this *kitten* so why are you so against it?
Video games are a great way to learn. Trust me I know. I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old who's fluent in 2 languages cause of video games and youtube. They both look up videos to watch them and learn how to do stuff in the games they play.
Everyday my children have to do a few things before they get to play with their Xbox or the Ipads.
The 6 YO needs to finish her homework, wash one load of laundry and tidy up her room
The 4 YO needs to take out the trash and tidy his room.
And they both have to go to bed on time and eat healthy food if they wan't to keep their Xbox and Ipads or they don't get to play the day after. Works like a charm.
When that's done they can do what they want. If they wanna go out to play they go out, if they wanna be on the computer then they can do that.
I'd much rather they play video games where they have to interact and use their mind to do stuff and solve puzzles rather then sneak around stealing my phone to watch youtube.
And by the way... I live with a video game designer who makes good money making this *kitten*. If your kids are showing that much interest in games, sign them up for a programming course and encourage their interest. This could end up being their career.
This is actually exactly the way we did things before it escalated out of hand, lol. My daughter's counselor was saying to let her have 15 more minutes of tablet as reward or whatnot... but we never even restricted it in the first place, as long as they were respectful and did what they were supposed to do first.
So yeah, I want to follow through (I told him, no tv for a week, and if he stops he can watch it again in a week, but he just doesn't stop), and I am, it just doesn't do a thing, which is what's driving me nuts.
You try to get them to go for a walk? At 9 years old, they don't have a choice.
Yeah, sure. But I gave up trying after a while because all the crying and whining was just not making it fun for anyone (my daughter is the worst though)... and it was just much more enjoyable for me to go alone. Heck we tried hiking. For months. All the wailing and complaining and crying didn't stop one bit after those months. At some point it's just completely ruining family time and you end up resenting each other and believe me, it's not doing your family any good either.
But otherwise, when I want to go somewhere, we're going, whether he wants to or not. I just don't see the point of making everyone miserable just to prove a point though... when I am alone all day to do the boring stuff (and we have other things to do at night, like homework and getting showers).
Obviously during Summer break I have to drag them everywhere though, but it's definitely not fun for anyone (not looking forward to that).0 -
Gimsteinn1 is very wise.
I have 4 kids, 36, 34, 31 and 27, all played video games. All of them now have Master's degrees and 3 of them work in the computer field. One is a teacher who builds game consoles as a hobby. Did they try to play video games or watch tv at homework time? You bet your sweet A. I basically "sat" on them, they did homework at the table and I sat there with them. It was boring but bonding.
I think the situation has gone out of control, it's time to bring it back. You said it's been going on for months. Do you want to live in a war zone?
Stop with the punishments, they aren't working and it's just making him sneakier. Find a compromise that YOU can live with. Sit him down and say "This is how it's going to be..." and lay it out, however you decide to settle it and it is not up for negotiation. I think all this talk about smashing routers, hiding chords and spanking isn't going to help you establish control.
You need to work on your "Mom" look, the one that has kids cringing, not because they are scared of you but because they know you are really angry. There should be a password on your phones and any computer your kids have access to, and change it frequently. If they really get you, they get no access. But keep any punishment to a level YOU can live with, having the kid sit in the car for an hour while his sister plays means you are going to sit in the car for an hour (boring)2 -
JeromeBarry1 wrote: »My Minecraft kid is 20, has not graduated high school, and works at an Arby's asking, "Do you want waffle fries with that?"
Is that what your son wants?
... Arby's has actually pretty good waffle fries.
seriously tho', it could be a lot worse. Maybe he's just taking his time and needing to learn the hard way.
We have two kids. One is trying to figure life out on her own (trial and error); the other is playing it by the book and seems to be doing everything right (whatever 'right ' is)
Hang in there.0 -
deputy_randolph wrote: »You can't lock your kid in his room at night (that is illegal in my state), but you can lock up all devices.
Positive reinforcement does work better. My kid is almost 9...some behavioral issues at school. I tried the "taking things way" approach. Didn't help. I made a chart and recorded all of the points he earned at school during the week. Based on how many points for positive behavior, he could earn tv time, computer time, etc. He can gets points deducted if he acts poorly at home. His behavior has improved. I would take the devices away and lock up at night...and try to see if he would be receptive to earning points to trade in for time on devices.
I love the points system! My mum used this for me and my brother. Points were given for good behavior and taken away for bad behavior and our pocket money every week was based on our points. If we wanted to save for anything, it was up to us how quick we got it.
Give it a try, see how you get on maybe?
He never cared for a point system. We have one on the fridge and he doesn't care about a possible reward he might get in a week.What other interests does he have? What other activities? I would start by making sure he gets plenty of other things to do, like trying different sports, lots of playdates etc.
He doesn't care about anything.. has no interest in anything else. He gets to spend time with friends every Sunday but he's still downstairs watching TV on Monday at 4am.
This is the parenting "failure" right there: he does not get a choice. Enroll him in soccer, swimming lessons, basketball, go out for a walk every evening, play board games together. Switch off electronics, you too.
He is 9. You cannot take things away and expect him to just find something new to do. Especially when his own dad introduced him to minecraft. You need to show him something else to do instead, and work on this as a family.
It costs money. I really can't afford to blow $300 on something he will not be interested in though.You aren't a failure! My daughter used to be the same way; not with TV but with other things. We tried everything you are doing too and none of it worked. She's 17 now so we survived and you will too. One thing we have learned is don't take away extracurricular activities! You could try to sit down with him and have a conversation, a "free zone" conversation where anything he says he won't get in extra trouble for. (through counseling) We have learned to ask our kids, we have 2 boys too, if they understand what they are doing is wrong. Ask why they feel the need to do whatever it is. Ask if there's something else they'd rather be doing. Make sure they understand why staying up late, too much screen time, etc. is bad. Have them re-explain it to us so we know they understand. Agree to rules; if they are a part of making the rules, they are more likely to follow them...according to the counselor...and it seems to work. Also, ask them what they think a fair punishment would be if they are caught doing whatever it is wrong again. That doesn't have to be the final punishment but compromise.
I know I have always though 9 and 10 were too young to be making those kinds of choices but since we were at the end of our rope, we did what the counselor suggested. It worked for awhile. Then she'd get back to doing whatever and then we'd have the whole discussion all over again. She seemed to get a lot better when she knew she could discuss things with us without getting yelled at or grounded extra during the "free zone" talks. She also followed the rules she made.
Make sure to print out the rules and have you, your husband, and son (and daughter maybe too for her rules) sign it so it's like a contract.
Also reading parenting books helps. lol. It will give you peace of mind mostly but some of the tricks do help. I'd suggest Dare to Discipline by Dr. Dobson. Any of his books really. He doesn't speak dr speak in his books. They are straightforward.
If all else fails, take him to a counselor AND do family counseling. Yes, it becomes a lot of appointments but it really, really helps. Good luck! You will all get past this and come out on the other end ok.
**Hugs from a mom who's been there too.
I'm doing counseling for my daughter already. I'll ask her for a referral for him too. Sigh...
She also keeps offering suggestions that really don't work for us though! Rewards, but again, my daughter doesn't care about anything either, except spending time with her friends, and it's not something I have any control on (it's actually been extremely frustrating for both of us).
It's rough when you have kids that are not interested in anything!
What are your interests? your priorities in life?
Kids learn from their parents, especially at this age. Have you spent the last year these 300$ you cannot afford for e.g. soccer in buying a new phone, paying for subscription tv? Are you and your husband into sports, hiking, bike rides, painting, playing music? Do not expect from kids to do things you are not doing. If your downtime or your husbands free time are spent in front of a screen, this is what the kids will do.
Even if you truly have no money, so no cable tv and a 5 year old cheap cell phone, then going for a daily long walk, walking the dog you mentioned, or just playing with your kid a board game, these would all be a great start.
We don't watch TV at all except after the kids are in bed. We don't like sports at all, but we always offer to go out for walks, go to the park or something... he doesn't want anything with it. If he ends up coming, he complains the whole time (she's worse than him about that actually).
I don't mind signing him up for things, I've just wasted a bunch of money on things he kept complaining about having to go to already and really don't have money to throw away that way (who does?). I can NEVER find something to do on week ends that they want to do either, so frankly I've pretty much given up at this point.
As I said.. my kids don't want to do anything except hanging out with friends and watching TV.
We ditched the television, that's right... no TV.
Sorry kids, read a book, walk the dog, do some push-ups.2 -
You remind me of my oldest sister and my nephew. Don't be hard on yourself. All the best.0
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Get rid of the internet. The person I work for does not have the internet. Never has. His three kids are all honor students in very good colleges. It can be done. People lived very healthy productive lives pre-facebook and Youtube. Just like bad foods. If they are not in the house then you cant eat them. Same with the internet. You cant be with him 24/7 - but at least at night you will know he cant get to them.
Honestly though, that one is on me, but I'm a SAHM. I'm pretty active but I would probably completely lose my mind without Internet and/or TV (and my (not 5yo but 3yo because they replaced my broken 4yo phone with that one) phone doesn't have unlimited data either so I can't completely rely on that). Plus all my recipes are online... and I got to feed my family.
We'll try to figure out how to cut off the wifi from 11pm to 6am though.
Kids learn by example. Do not expect from your child to do as you say. If he sees you spending most of the day offline (e.g. turn the internet on only for limited hours in the morning), if he does not see you watching TV, if he sees you going to the gym, participating in athletic events, if you join the local pool together, if you go for bike rides and daily walks, this is what he will learn. If you and his dad spend hours with a phone glued on your hands or the TV in the background, you can talk to him about finding other interests until you turn blue, but he will have no clue what you are talking about. Lead by example. Your child is 9 years old. He copies you. He cannot do things you really do not want him to do. You control his lifestyle, there is very little he can or cannot do if you really mean it.3 -
Oh, I have 3 kids and have heard it all from "but my friends can play/surf the internet for 8 hours per day" (and they are not lying), to "I hate sports" and "I am not going for a walk, who does that?". I do not care. They throw tantrums , and then they try new things, and eventually figure out something they like, or something their best friend does or make new friends and the previously boring activity becomes interesting, or they see some progress in a specific sport and get proud. It takes some initial effort and commitment from the parents part. But the kids do not run the show!2
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TavistockToad wrote: »Trying to reply in order...
I'm a SAHM, as I've mentioned. I'm awake in average 2 hours every morning before my kids... I have my coffee and browse the web/read the forums. Then I make them lunch and get them ready for school.
Then I'm alone all day. I have lunch at my computer after the gym, other than that I do chores, cooking, groceries, go for walks etc. Then I pick them up from school. If they play after school, that's home at 4.15pm. I help with homework, make dinner. After dinner I usually try to go for a walk (and try to get them out with me) or just do things in the house until bedtime.
They really don't see me at the computer that much (plus now with the puppy I'm outside with her every 30 minutes or something). On week ends, if we're not doing something, I'm usually out running errands, at the gym, or going for a walk. I go nuts if I sit more than an hour or so, so there's really not that much sitting around. I used to play video games all day, sure, but I've changed a lot in the last 4 years (they actually bore me now).
Also I have absolutely no problem with my kids playing games or being on their tablet actually. It becomes a problem when they complain when you ask them to put them down, when they get on them instead of doing what we ask them to do (homework, going in the shower) - that's when they lose them. That's how the whole thing started really... he got punished because he sneaked upstairs to watch tv instead of doing his homework, then started sneaking to do it even though he was grounded for a week (at the time).
About 'the talk', I've done it a few times, but yep, another one is in order.Gimsteinn1 wrote: »So let me get this straight, your kid is showing interest in video games and how to work those and you're punishing him and now he feels like he has to hide it from you in order to get what he wants and likes?
Sit down, open minecraft and play with the kid. He seems to love this *kitten* so why are you so against it?
Video games are a great way to learn. Trust me I know. I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old who's fluent in 2 languages cause of video games and youtube. They both look up videos to watch them and learn how to do stuff in the games they play.
Everyday my children have to do a few things before they get to play with their Xbox or the Ipads.
The 6 YO needs to finish her homework, wash one load of laundry and tidy up her room
The 4 YO needs to take out the trash and tidy his room.
And they both have to go to bed on time and eat healthy food if they wan't to keep their Xbox and Ipads or they don't get to play the day after. Works like a charm.
When that's done they can do what they want. If they wanna go out to play they go out, if they wanna be on the computer then they can do that.
I'd much rather they play video games where they have to interact and use their mind to do stuff and solve puzzles rather then sneak around stealing my phone to watch youtube.
And by the way... I live with a video game designer who makes good money making this *kitten*. If your kids are showing that much interest in games, sign them up for a programming course and encourage their interest. This could end up being their career.
This is actually exactly the way we did things before it escalated out of hand, lol. My daughter's counselor was saying to let her have 15 more minutes of tablet as reward or whatnot... but we never even restricted it in the first place, as long as they were respectful and did what they were supposed to do first.
So yeah, I want to follow through (I told him, no tv for a week, and if he stops he can watch it again in a week, but he just doesn't stop), and I am, it just doesn't do a thing, which is what's driving me nuts.
You try to get them to go for a walk? At 9 years old, they don't have a choice.
Yeah, sure. But I gave up trying after a while because all the crying and whining was just not making it fun for anyone (my daughter is the worst though)... and it was just much more enjoyable for me to go alone. Heck we tried hiking. For months. All the wailing and complaining and crying didn't stop one bit after those months. At some point it's just completely ruining family time and you end up resenting each other and believe me, it's not doing your family any good either.
But otherwise, when I want to go somewhere, we're going, whether he wants to or not. I just don't see the point of making everyone miserable just to prove a point though... when I am alone all day to do the boring stuff (and we have other things to do at night, like homework and getting showers).
Obviously during Summer break I have to drag them everywhere though, but it's definitely not fun for anyone (not looking forward to that).
Sorry to hear that, it must be tough.
So what do you do for family time?1 -
As annoying it would be for you to not get to watch a tv show each night, I would just put all the TVs away and make sure there is no internet access at night (router). I think the fact that your son is sneaking around at 4:30 AM and doesn't care at all about consequences is a singnal things are out of control and completely need to be changed. Both you and your husband need to get on board with it too. One parent can't be on their phone while the kids are around or it won't work. Become a TV-free family until the kids are older and their frontal cortex a little more developed. Read a book at night for a while or do something else with your husband, like a board game, or just talk, or swap back rubs. Read Lord of the Rings or some other long novel to your kids maybe, something they will get into and want to hear every night. I would give your son his toys back so that he actually has something to play with instead of wanting to watch videos/TV. He needs to re-lean how to be imaginative again, kids have this ability but too much TV or screen time makes the brain lazy and kids forget how to play pretend. Let them hang out with friends on weekends with no TV or video games, and you don't have to find something for them to do, they need to learn to entertain themselves sometimes. Eventually, the kids will figure out something to do and having friends to figure that out with is more fun sometimes than doing it alone. I don't think you are a terrible parent but maybe some of the choices about allowing so much screen time didn't work for your kids (some kids can handle it some can't). Don't try to find reasons why not to try something new, just find something new, because what is going on now isn't working for you.0
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Again--where is your husband in all this? You are not the only parent.2
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Gimsteinn1 wrote: »So let me get this straight, your kid is showing interest in video games and how to work those and you're punishing him and now he feels like he has to hide it from you in order to get what he wants and likes?
Sit down, open minecraft and play with the kid. He seems to love this *kitten* so why are you so against it?
Video games are a great way to learn. Trust me I know. I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old who's fluent in 2 languages cause of video games and youtube. They both look up videos to watch them and learn how to do stuff in the games they play.
Everyday my children have to do a few things before they get to play with their Xbox or the Ipads.
The 6 YO needs to finish her homework, wash one load of laundry and tidy up her room
The 4 YO needs to take out the trash and tidy his room.
And they both have to go to bed on time and eat healthy food if they wan't to keep their Xbox and Ipads or they don't get to play the day after. Works like a charm.
When that's done they can do what they want. If they wanna go out to play they go out, if they wanna be on the computer then they can do that.
I'd much rather they play video games where they have to interact and use their mind to do stuff and solve puzzles rather then sneak around stealing my phone to watch youtube.
And by the way... I live with a video game designer who makes good money making this *kitten*. If your kids are showing that much interest in games, sign them up for a programming course and encourage their interest. This could end up being their career.
Brilliant post!
We did much of the same raising our three and they are doing wonderfully. There have been ups and downs, but we allow them to fail, but use these failures as teachable moments to come back from. My son was close to failing this year and now proud of his near straight A's. We established limits, provided guidance, and have them all contributing to the household as they can. This gives kids the responsibility and pride that comes with it. Video games can be a great teaching tool if used correctly - many require extremely complex team building and problem solving abilities.
I have spanked when appropriate, but our go to is pushup position - begin! My 6 year old daughter can bang out 20 solid pushups. I use this as my corrective behavior - by the time they finish a set they usually forget about whatever they were upset about and the attitude is corrected.
To the OP - this sounds like a classic case of do what I say, not what I do. What shared activities do you have? You and your husband need to redefine your roles as parents - the leaders in the household.0
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