I feel like a parenting failure
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snowflake954 wrote: »DeficitDuchess wrote: »I've been raising children most of my life, from having to learn how to change my own diapers/potty train myself as a toddler; to raising my siblings when I was 8 years old & then raising/babysitting other peoples children, until I was 29; I am 37 currently & unfortunately don't/won't have, any of; my own because of, premature menopause. However I've never had a problem with a child of various ages, that I couldn't resolve with; time outs, discussion, etc.
Children aren't objects & thus they aren't to, be controlled by; you but instead're to, be taught by you to; control themselves! If spanking worked then, everyone in jail would be those; that were never were. Since it's plausible to, successfully raise a child without hitting them then; it isn't ever necessary to! A parent's own, lack of; self discipline & inability to, teach isn't their; child's fault! Therefore it's the parent's responsibility to, take a parenting/anger management class themselves to learn how to discipline their child without; being violent! I believe that spanking teaches, to solve problems; with anger & violence; which then leads to being imprisoned; for assault, domestic violence, etc.
Also the worst of it isn't even, the act itself it's the escalation that's necessary to; achieve the same response/result desired. For instance when someone scraps their knee for; the 1st few times it'll hurt enough to; make them cry but after they, become accustomed to the pain it'll take; a sprain, a fracture, a break, etc. to, produce the; same effect. The same, goes with; spanking. A light tap'll have to, evolve into; a hard slap, etc., to continually produce the, same level of pain; to control the child. Plus some children don't have, the ability to; feel physical pain & others self harm to relieve pain so, clearly spanking wouldn't have the; same effect with these children!
Another issue that comes to, mind concerning spanking's the physical; ability to continue with it. So if a parent that spanks their child becomes disabled within, such a way that makes it impossible to continue that form of discipline then; how'll they discipline their child or if the parent that does the spanking has, to leave to go on a business trip for a week how'll the; child be disciplined that week? A timeout can be given without, having to; be physical or a discussion can be had without, having to be within the; same location that the child's!
Do you own animals? Because you just don't get it. Also, disciplining children is something that takes time and patience. What works for one child will not work for another. Your argument is full of holes. My sons always respected and obeyed their teachers--unlike alot of the other children in school. I also received many compliments on how well-behaved my vivacious (happy)boys were. Go figure.
YOUR son. Your son isn't my son. I suppose of course that is has everything to do with your stellar parenting and nothing to do at all about your son's temperament.
And yeah, I have a cat and two dogs, and the fact alone that you're comparing animals and kids just completely baffles me. My dogs don't get into stuff at night because I crate them. Are you suggesting that I crate my son?0 -
Here's what works for us (most of the time):
1. Lock up TV remotes in a wheelie bag. Keep key with you at all times. If he has a school issued computer, lock it up as well.
2. Use OurPact app to set time limits on tablets/phones and block remotely.
3. Change pass codes on your own devices regularly.
4. Invest in balls and games. My 3 kids (1x8, 2x11 years) played Once Upon a Time: The storytelling card game and Monopoly Empire for up to an hour at a time during the last school holidays.
5. Any homework on computer has to be done in my sight.
My son also loves minecraft and will sneak his school computer into his room to watch YouTube if I'm not careful. I hate it!
I feel for you! Good luck.1 -
DeficitDuchess wrote: »I've been raising children most of my life, from having to learn how to change my own diapers/potty train myself as a toddler; to raising my siblings when I was 8 years old & then raising/babysitting other peoples children, until I was 29; I am 37 currently & unfortunately don't/won't have, any of; my own because of, premature menopause. However I've never had a problem with a child of various ages, that I couldn't resolve with; time outs, discussion, etc.
Children aren't objects & thus they aren't to, be controlled by; you but instead're to, be taught by you to; control themselves! If spanking worked then, everyone in jail would be those; that were never were. Since it's plausible to, successfully raise a child without hitting them then; it isn't ever necessary to! A parent's own, lack of; self discipline & inability to, teach isn't their; child's fault! Therefore it's the parent's responsibility to, take a parenting/anger management class themselves to learn how to discipline their child without; being violent! I believe that spanking teaches, to solve problems; with anger & violence; which then leads to being imprisoned; for assault, domestic violence, etc.
Also the worst of it isn't even, the act itself it's the escalation that's necessary to; achieve the same response/result desired. For instance when someone scraps their knee for; the 1st few times it'll hurt enough to; make them cry but after they, become accustomed to the pain it'll take; a sprain, a fracture, a break, etc. to, produce the; same effect. The same, goes with; spanking. A light tap'll have to, evolve into; a hard slap, etc., to continually produce the, same level of pain; to control the child. Plus some children don't have, the ability to; feel physical pain & others self harm to relieve pain so, clearly spanking wouldn't have the; same effect with these children!
Another issue that comes to, mind concerning spanking's the physical; ability to continue with it. So if a parent that spanks their child becomes disabled within, such a way that makes it impossible to continue that form of discipline then; how'll they discipline their child or if the parent that does the spanking has, to leave to go on a business trip for a week how'll the; child be disciplined that week? A timeout can be given without, having to; be physical or a discussion can be had without, having to be within the; same location that the child's!
So difficult to read this with the inappropriate punctuation where it doesn't belong but there's a huge difference between spanking your misbehaving child and beating them. Spanking is not violent, beating is. Spanking is not done out of anger, beating is. I had to spank my daughter ONE time in her life - after she'd disobeyed me and ran across a busy street! I never ever had to spank her again and she's now 19 and very happy, well adjusted and living on her own with a job. My parents spanked my brother and I as children when we acted up but it wasn't a beating and we were never afraid of them. We RESPECTED them as our parents and therefore, behaved when we were warned that we'd face consequences if we didn't.3 -
cahubbard6421 wrote: »There may not be a direct correlation between spanning and prison but there is a direct correlation between no discipline and prison. Broken homes account for the majority of prisoners. The lack of a true discipline system around an individual is both damaging to their development and is the root cause for chaos.
The liberal side of this conversation views spanking as abuse because they view the act of spanking as violent. They assume that the lead up is chaotic and uncontrolled. The assume that all spanking turns into a violent rage that results in bruises and broken bones. The don't see the agony that goes into spanking your child.
The difference here is simple. I would never tell you not to spank your child. I will never assume you're a monster for not teaching your children that all actions have consequences. When you're a child, the consequences are small. As an adult, the consequences for violating the law of the land is jail or prison, being fired, or being labeled. The idea of spanking isn't to scare a child. My kids know that I love them more than life itself. They also know that I was beaten as a child. They also know that I would never hurt them. Huge difference between spanking and hurting for those of you that are going to take that angle. You do not spank a child to hurt them. You also cannot use spanking as the end all be all! I only spank for serious (read potentially dangerous) behavior issues.
My children do not fear me. They respect me enough to not act like a typical teenager. They don't go out to go party, they get great grades, they are active in sports, and they are going to be extremely responsible and productive adults.snowflake954 wrote: »DeficitDuchess wrote: »I've been raising children most of my life, from having to learn how to change my own diapers/potty train myself as a toddler; to raising my siblings when I was 8 years old & then raising/babysitting other peoples children, until I was 29; I am 37 currently & unfortunately don't/won't have, any of; my own because of, premature menopause. However I've never had a problem with a child of various ages, that I couldn't resolve with; time outs, discussion, etc.
Children aren't objects & thus they aren't to, be controlled by; you but instead're to, be taught by you to; control themselves! If spanking worked then, everyone in jail would be those; that were never were. Since it's plausible to, successfully raise a child without hitting them then; it isn't ever necessary to! A parent's own, lack of; self discipline & inability to, teach isn't their; child's fault! Therefore it's the parent's responsibility to, take a parenting/anger management class themselves to learn how to discipline their child without; being violent! I believe that spanking teaches, to solve problems; with anger & violence; which then leads to being imprisoned; for assault, domestic violence, etc.
Also the worst of it isn't even, the act itself it's the escalation that's necessary to; achieve the same response/result desired. For instance when someone scraps their knee for; the 1st few times it'll hurt enough to; make them cry but after they, become accustomed to the pain it'll take; a sprain, a fracture, a break, etc. to, produce the; same effect. The same, goes with; spanking. A light tap'll have to, evolve into; a hard slap, etc., to continually produce the, same level of pain; to control the child. Plus some children don't have, the ability to; feel physical pain & others self harm to relieve pain so, clearly spanking wouldn't have the; same effect with these children!
Another issue that comes to, mind concerning spanking's the physical; ability to continue with it. So if a parent that spanks their child becomes disabled within, such a way that makes it impossible to continue that form of discipline then; how'll they discipline their child or if the parent that does the spanking has, to leave to go on a business trip for a week how'll the; child be disciplined that week? A timeout can be given without, having to; be physical or a discussion can be had without, having to be within the; same location that the child's!
Do you own animals? Because you just don't get it. Also, disciplining children is something that takes time and patience. What works for one child will not work for another. Your argument is full of holes. My sons always respected and obeyed their teachers--unlike alot of the other children in school. I also received many compliments on how well-behaved my vivacious (happy)boys were. Go figure.
The point's that your children would've been, able to become the same good children that; they're now but also without hitting them at all especially, since there're children that've never; been hit & yet're as, good as; your children're! Being against being physical isn't being, against discipline it's being; against extremism & thus, you've proven my; point because you both're against, the extremism of not disciplining at all so it's a logical fallacy to then not be; against all extreme measures including spanking (regardless of, physical severity) as well! Therefore spanking & no discipline whatsoever're just, 2 different roads that often leads to; the same destination! Also everyone fears, physical pain & thus, fears what and/or whom, causes it!1 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »EbonyDahlia wrote: »DeficitDuchess wrote: »cahubbard6421 wrote: »You're a failure alright.
Did I get your attention? Good. Kids crave structure and discipline. They will never admit it but they do. If you don't get this simple task under control, your kid will turn into a terrorist. Maybe not that sever but you get the idea.
Take the router and destroy it right in front of him next time he doesn't listen. Set limits and expectations and don't waver. Positive reinforcement doesn't work when your kid doesn't care about it. When all else fails, (it has already) spank him when he doesn't do what is expected. It won't take long for the little one to fall in line.
Before anyone says it, I spank my kids (14, 13, 7) when they deserve it. Haven't had to spank them for three years or so for the younger one and almost 8 for the older two. It works. That's why your parents spanked you and their parents spanked them.
Spanking only works to cause a child to, fear their parent which means the; parent's the terrorist! Also hitting's like teaching math by, literally throwing the math book at; the child! The child doesn't actually, then learn how; to understand & work through the, problems within that; book do they?
Bullsh!t. I am a child of the "spanking era" and I have a lot more respect than kids/teenagers do now. There is NOTHING wrong with understanding at a young age there are serious consequences to certain behaviours. When you're a kid it's spanking, when you're an adult it's jail, or getting fired, or socially alienated.
One thing I've always noticed. People who have well behaved dogs usually have well behaved children. That's because the process is the same for both. Clear consistent boundaries, reinforcement, and respect. A smack on the *kitten* with a flip flop and a firm NO works for both. Taking a dog's ball away is not going to prevent it from jumping all over the furniture or your guests.
The training process is the same for both children and dogs, I agree; however, smacking a dog doesn't teach them anything but to fear you. This is a proven fact. I'm a former dog trainer. Positive reinforcement provides far better results than hitting. You can EXPLAIN to a child why you're spanking them - they understand. Dogs do not understand your words, only your anger and your actions. Whenever I see anyone smacking a dog for what they consider "misbehaving" I want to hit them upside the head and shout something to them in another language they don't understand and see how they feel about it!! Do you know why I hit you? NO, because I was not speaking your language so you have no idea what you did wrong!!!!
Agreed that hitting a dog is a terrible way to train. Our dogs are well-behaved, don't jump on people or furniture, and obey commands from all members of the family (including our kids), because we trained them with positive reinforcement and consistency, and made sure they know their place in the pack hierarchy. I suppose there may be some similarities to draw between the two, but children are not dogs. (Not that I'm advocating hitting either one.)1 -
yeah don't beat your kids folks. Discipline doesn't equal beating.3
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The Army used to "smoke" Solider's as a form of punishment when they would misbehave. A good smoking was an intense set of physically exercise where the Soldier was pushed to physical exhaustion, while being yelled at about their choices. This was highly effective in correcting behavioral issues.
This could be adapted to a home environment through a highly regimented and enforced schedule, increase in chores that the kid needs to complete, stopping allowance, and removing him from activities.
My daughters punishment is normally that her every day chores need to pass my inspection. Nothing passes until I think she has had enough, I can always find something wrong, even if that means taking off a heat vent to point out dust or removing light covers that have dust/bugs, etc.1 -
The Army used to "smoke" Solider's as a form of punishment when they would misbehave. A good smoking was an intense set of physically exercise where the Soldier was pushed to physical exhaustion, while being yelled at about their choices. This was highly effective in correcting behavioral issues.
This could be adapted to a home environment through a highly regimented and enforced schedule, increase in chores that the kid needs to complete, stopping allowance, and removing him from activities.
My daughters punishment is normally that her every day chores need to pass my inspection. Nothing passes until I think she has had enough, I can always find something wrong, even if that means taking off a heat vent to point out dust or removing light covers that have dust/bugs, etc.
And this is why my 19 yr old daughter hates her former military father. NOTHING she ever did was ever good enough for him. It's why she rebelled against him in her teens, came to CO to live with me and rarely speaks to her dad now...3 -
Has anyone tried just talking to them? explaining why XYZ is bad for their health/career/edumication.1
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MrStabbems wrote: »Has anyone tried just talking to them? explaining why XYZ is bad for their health/career/edumication.
Apparently ain't nobody got, time for; that!
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indigoblue9572 wrote: »The Army used to "smoke" Solider's as a form of punishment when they would misbehave. A good smoking was an intense set of physically exercise where the Soldier was pushed to physical exhaustion, while being yelled at about their choices. This was highly effective in correcting behavioral issues.
This could be adapted to a home environment through a highly regimented and enforced schedule, increase in chores that the kid needs to complete, stopping allowance, and removing him from activities.
My daughters punishment is normally that her every day chores need to pass my inspection. Nothing passes until I think she has had enough, I can always find something wrong, even if that means taking off a heat vent to point out dust or removing light covers that have dust/bugs, etc.
And this is why my 19 yr old daughter hates her former military father. NOTHING she ever did was ever good enough for him. It's why she rebelled against him in her teens, came to CO to live with me and rarely speaks to her dad now...
Really, she hates her dad for punishing her when she did something wrong? Either you didn't read what I actually wrote or you are raising a special little snowflake.3 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »The Army used to "smoke" Solider's as a form of punishment when they would misbehave. A good smoking was an intense set of physically exercise where the Soldier was pushed to physical exhaustion, while being yelled at about their choices. This was highly effective in correcting behavioral issues.
This could be adapted to a home environment through a highly regimented and enforced schedule, increase in chores that the kid needs to complete, stopping allowance, and removing him from activities.
My daughters punishment is normally that her every day chores need to pass my inspection. Nothing passes until I think she has had enough, I can always find something wrong, even if that means taking off a heat vent to point out dust or removing light covers that have dust/bugs, etc.
And this is why my 19 yr old daughter hates her former military father. NOTHING she ever did was ever good enough for him. It's why she rebelled against him in her teens, came to CO to live with me and rarely speaks to her dad now...
Really, she hates her dad for punishing her when she did something wrong? Either you didn't read what I actually wrote or you are raising a special little snowflake.
No, she doesn't hate her dad for punishing her. She hates him for being an *kitten*. She hates him for neglecting her and for finding fault in EVERY SINGLE THING she ever did. If she came home with a B in a class, he'd tell her she should've gotten an A. If she mowed the lawn, he'd say she should've also trimmed the hedges. He did the same *kitten* to me as well. One of the reasons I divorced him. NOTHING was ever good enough to "pass his inspection". He took it to the extreme and everything had to be his way or the highway. Pretty sad for a girl to grow up thinking her father could never praise her for any accomplishment she ever had. He didn't attend her graduation either...1 -
You don't need to hit to create discipline. Discipline is based on CONSISTENCY of consequence. I was raised with spanking. I didn't raise my daughter with it. She has better discipline than when I was a kid.
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Beat him down. Back in the day if I did that, my teeth would have been knocked out.0
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snowflake954 wrote: »DeficitDuchess wrote: »I've been raising children most of my life, from having to learn how to change my own diapers/potty train myself as a toddler; to raising my siblings when I was 8 years old & then raising/babysitting other peoples children, until I was 29; I am 37 currently & unfortunately don't/won't have, any of; my own because of, premature menopause. However I've never had a problem with a child of various ages, that I couldn't resolve with; time outs, discussion, etc.
Children aren't objects & thus they aren't to, be controlled by; you but instead're to, be taught by you to; control themselves! If spanking worked then, everyone in jail would be those; that were never were. Since it's plausible to, successfully raise a child without hitting them then; it isn't ever necessary to! A parent's own, lack of; self discipline & inability to, teach isn't their; child's fault! Therefore it's the parent's responsibility to, take a parenting/anger management class themselves to learn how to discipline their child without; being violent! I believe that spanking teaches, to solve problems; with anger & violence; which then leads to being imprisoned; for assault, domestic violence, etc.
Also the worst of it isn't even, the act itself it's the escalation that's necessary to; achieve the same response/result desired. For instance when someone scraps their knee for; the 1st few times it'll hurt enough to; make them cry but after they, become accustomed to the pain it'll take; a sprain, a fracture, a break, etc. to, produce the; same effect. The same, goes with; spanking. A light tap'll have to, evolve into; a hard slap, etc., to continually produce the, same level of pain; to control the child. Plus some children don't have, the ability to; feel physical pain & others self harm to relieve pain so, clearly spanking wouldn't have the; same effect with these children!
Another issue that comes to, mind concerning spanking's the physical; ability to continue with it. So if a parent that spanks their child becomes disabled within, such a way that makes it impossible to continue that form of discipline then; how'll they discipline their child or if the parent that does the spanking has, to leave to go on a business trip for a week how'll the; child be disciplined that week? A timeout can be given without, having to; be physical or a discussion can be had without, having to be within the; same location that the child's!
Do you own animals? Because you just don't get it. Also, disciplining children is something that takes time and patience. What works for one child will not work for another. Your argument is full of holes. My sons always respected and obeyed their teachers--unlike alot of the other children in school. I also received many compliments on how well-behaved my vivacious (happy)boys were. Go figure.
YOUR son. Your son isn't my son. I suppose of course that is has everything to do with your stellar parenting and nothing to do at all about your son's temperament.
And yeah, I have a cat and two dogs, and the fact alone that you're comparing animals and kids just completely baffles me. My dogs don't get into stuff at night because I crate them. Are you suggesting that I crate my son?
You're the OP. I have asked at least twice where your husband is on this problem. And maybe I'm suggesting that if your animals were well behaved that they wouldn't have to be crated at night. That astounds me.1 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »The Army used to "smoke" Solider's as a form of punishment when they would misbehave. A good smoking was an intense set of physically exercise where the Soldier was pushed to physical exhaustion, while being yelled at about their choices. This was highly effective in correcting behavioral issues.
This could be adapted to a home environment through a highly regimented and enforced schedule, increase in chores that the kid needs to complete, stopping allowance, and removing him from activities.
My daughters punishment is normally that her every day chores need to pass my inspection. Nothing passes until I think she has had enough, I can always find something wrong, even if that means taking off a heat vent to point out dust or removing light covers that have dust/bugs, etc.
And this is why my 19 yr old daughter hates her former military father. NOTHING she ever did was ever good enough for him. It's why she rebelled against him in her teens, came to CO to live with me and rarely speaks to her dad now...
Really, she hates her dad for punishing her when she did something wrong? Either you didn't read what I actually wrote or you are raising a special little snowflake.
No, she doesn't hate her dad for punishing her. She hates him for being an *kitten*. She hates him for neglecting her and for finding fault in EVERY SINGLE THING she ever did. If she came home with a B in a class, he'd tell her she should've gotten an A. If she mowed the lawn, he'd say she should've also trimmed the hedges. He did the same *kitten* to me as well. One of the reasons I divorced him. NOTHING was ever good enough to "pass his inspection". He took it to the extreme and everything had to be his way or the highway. Pretty sad for a girl to grow up thinking her father could never praise her for any accomplishment she ever had. He didn't attend her graduation either...
In which case, you did not read my post. I clearly stated that it should be used as a punishment, not a way of life.1 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »The Army used to "smoke" Solider's as a form of punishment when they would misbehave. A good smoking was an intense set of physically exercise where the Soldier was pushed to physical exhaustion, while being yelled at about their choices. This was highly effective in correcting behavioral issues.
This could be adapted to a home environment through a highly regimented and enforced schedule, increase in chores that the kid needs to complete, stopping allowance, and removing him from activities.
My daughters punishment is normally that her every day chores need to pass my inspection. Nothing passes until I think she has had enough, I can always find something wrong, even if that means taking off a heat vent to point out dust or removing light covers that have dust/bugs, etc.
And this is why my 19 yr old daughter hates her former military father. NOTHING she ever did was ever good enough for him. It's why she rebelled against him in her teens, came to CO to live with me and rarely speaks to her dad now...
Really, she hates her dad for punishing her when she did something wrong? Either you didn't read what I actually wrote or you are raising a special little snowflake.
No, she doesn't hate her dad for punishing her. She hates him for being an *kitten*. She hates him for neglecting her and for finding fault in EVERY SINGLE THING she ever did. If she came home with a B in a class, he'd tell her she should've gotten an A. If she mowed the lawn, he'd say she should've also trimmed the hedges. He did the same *kitten* to me as well. One of the reasons I divorced him. NOTHING was ever good enough to "pass his inspection". He took it to the extreme and everything had to be his way or the highway. Pretty sad for a girl to grow up thinking her father could never praise her for any accomplishment she ever had. He didn't attend her graduation either...
In which case, you did not read my post. I clearly stated that it should be used as a punishment, not a way of life.
I did read your post. I also stated my ex husband took things too far as well.0 -
Is your son being bullied ar school?0
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abitoftrouble wrote: »This thread really devolved. OP, I hope you find an answer that works for you and your family, regardless of what it looks like.
It is getting firestormy up in here...
Plug <--- pull it, OP.1 -
The Army used to "smoke" Solider's as a form of punishment when they would misbehave. A good smoking was an intense set of physically exercise where the Soldier was pushed to physical exhaustion, while being yelled at about their choices. This was highly effective in correcting behavioral issues.
This could be adapted to a home environment through a highly regimented and enforced schedule, increase in chores that the kid needs to complete, stopping allowance, and removing him from activities.
My daughters punishment is normally that her every day chores need to pass my inspection. Nothing passes until I think she has had enough, I can always find something wrong, even if that means taking off a heat vent to point out dust or removing light covers that have dust/bugs, etc.
Now that would have been true torture for me. I would have listened afterwards, but I would never have gotten over the hurt of the words. I have been kicked in the chest by a horse, had a black and blue mark the size of 2 softballs, got up and took care of the horse and walked home. Never phased me. Had two concussions, also walked home, no pain meds, never slowed down longer than I had to. But one angry word from someone I loved would leave me broken inside for weeks.3
This discussion has been closed.
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