I feel like a parenting failure
Replies
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Get rid of the internet. The person I work for does not have the internet. Never has. His three kids are all honor students in very good colleges. It can be done. People lived very healthy productive lives pre-facebook and Youtube. Just like bad foods. If they are not in the house then you cant eat them. Same with the internet. You cant be with him 24/7 - but at least at night you will know he cant get to them.
Honestly though, that one is on me, but I'm a SAHM. I'm pretty active but I would probably completely lose my mind without Internet and/or TV (and my (not 5yo but 3yo because they replaced my broken 4yo phone with that one) phone doesn't have unlimited data either so I can't completely rely on that). Plus all my recipes are online... and I got to feed my family.
We'll try to figure out how to cut off the wifi from 11pm to 6am though.
Kids learn by example. Do not expect from your child to do as you say. If he sees you spending most of the day offline (e.g. turn the internet on only for limited hours in the morning), if he does not see you watching TV, if he sees you going to the gym, participating in athletic events, if you join the local pool together, if you go for bike rides and daily walks, this is what he will learn. If you and his dad spend hours with a phone glued on your hands or the TV in the background, you can talk to him about finding other interests until you turn blue, but he will have no clue what you are talking about. Lead by example. Your child is 9 years old. He copies you. He cannot do things you really do not want him to do. You control his lifestyle, there is very little he can or cannot do if you really mean it.
.. you didn't read the thread, did you?
Anyway, my husband is another matter. He's made some things more difficult, but he's starting to get really pissed off so more willing to stick to it I guess.
Again though - the problem isn't the tv/tablet. It's the lying and sneaking to do things he's forbidden to do. Not sure why it isn't clear.0 -
"Again though - the problem isn't the tv/tablet. It's the lying and sneaking to do things he's forbidden to do. Not sure why it isn't clear."
Yes this is the problem, not the screens! Unfortunately mama, repeatedly defying your rules is the battle that you must win right away. Charge that hill, stand your ground and do whatever you have to do to win this one. You can do it!
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Gimsteinn1 wrote: »So let me get this straight, your kid is showing interest in video games and how to work those and you're punishing him and now he feels like he has to hide it from you in order to get what he wants and likes?
Sit down, open minecraft and play with the kid. He seems to love this *kitten* so why are you so against it?
Video games are a great way to learn. Trust me I know. I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old who's fluent in 2 languages cause of video games and youtube. They both look up videos to watch them and learn how to do stuff in the games they play.
Everyday my children have to do a few things before they get to play with their Xbox or the Ipads.
The 6 YO needs to finish her homework, wash one load of laundry and tidy up her room
The 4 YO needs to take out the trash and tidy his room.
And they both have to go to bed on time and eat healthy food if they wan't to keep their Xbox and Ipads or they don't get to play the day after. Works like a charm.
When that's done they can do what they want. If they wanna go out to play they go out, if they wanna be on the computer then they can do that.
I'd much rather they play video games where they have to interact and use their mind to do stuff and solve puzzles rather then sneak around stealing my phone to watch youtube.
And by the way... I live with a video game designer who makes good money making this *kitten*. If your kids are showing that much interest in games, sign them up for a programming course and encourage their interest. This could end up being their career.
I have spanked when appropriate, but our go to is pushup position - begin! My 6 year old daughter can bang out 20 solid pushups. I use this as my corrective behavior - by the time they finish a set they usually forget about whatever they were upset about and the attitude is corrected.
I find this concerning.2 -
When my daughter started to act up (and she's a pretty good kid), I asked her "what am I doing wrong as a parent?" Throwing it all on me instead of her let her open up to all her frustrations or reasons why she was acting the way she was. Came to find out that she felt that because I was so busy doing stuff in the house, I neglected acknowledging her many times. So now when she actually has something to tell me, I stopped blowing it off. I actually became interested in what she was telling/showing me. After that, it was no longer an issue.
Finding out the root problem is the hardest, but the person best to tell you is obviously them. I believe by asking them what you're doing wrong, it will give you the information you need to help.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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change the wifi password on them. I bet they will act right to get that back. at least my Teen did.0
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Didn't read all the responses.
I would stop taking things away that interest him. Set a particular time he can use the tv/internet each day. If he wants to earn more time he can do chores, get better grades or something productive.
Get in the habit of locking down the internet/devices when you go to bed.0 -
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I would absolutely take the cords off the TV's/Computers/Routers when you go to bed. Even if my husband wanted to stay up after I went to bed, I'd still do it. And I'd continue it, until he stops trying to sneak around. Make sure he has time to play during the day.
Sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds like a really tough situation to be in.0 -
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^its only legal when you put locks on it...
but turn the doors towards the wall now.....
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My son loves minecraft too. Actually my daughter too. She is 8 and he is 6. They were exposed to it by the babysitter who watched them while I worked - my husband and I do not play video games.
I downloaded the pocket edition on my phone last summer as incentive to get my son to practice his handwriting. Boy he was excited to do his handwriting to get to play for 20 minutes.
Now he's only allowed to play when all his chores/homework/responsibilities are done. At 6 he's responsible for cleaning up his room every morning, bringing down his dirty laundry, setting the table, cleaning up after meals, taking the trash out, and helping unload the dishwasher. On Saturdays daddy has all the kids working in the yard.
I've bought him a book on minecraft and he loves the minecraft lego sets, so perhaps your son would like the lego sets? They pretty awesome albeit expensive.
My husband is teaching my daughter scratch - it's a free program that teaches kids how to program their own video games. As much as electronics are a time suck, most jobs out there are going to require proficiency with it.
My kids are young enough that they still love playing outside, riding bikes, and swimming so we are pretty active outside of electronic time.
This will be my first summer home full time with my kids. I'm already planning activities- water park days, zoo, beach days, Busch Gardens.... Do your kids like those kinds of activities? What if they were allowed to bring a friend to those activities?
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Do you like camping? I know there are still two months (give or take) until school ends but I would consider taking them camping this summer. Somewhere free (or mostly free) of light pollution. It might be quite a drive, depending on where you live, but breaking his routine for 7-10 days and spending all that time together could have an impact that would last longer than the actual trip. Resetting his internal clock, for one! My own son would probably be dumbfounded by a clear view of the Milky Way.0
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My son loves minecraft too. Actually my daughter too. She is 8 and he is 6. They were exposed to it by the babysitter who watched them while I worked - my husband and I do not play video games.
I downloaded the pocket edition on my phone last summer as incentive to get my son to practice his handwriting. Boy he was excited to do his handwriting to get to play for 20 minutes.
Now he's only allowed to play when all his chores/homework/responsibilities are done. At 6 he's responsible for cleaning up his room every morning, bringing down his dirty laundry, setting the table, cleaning up after meals, taking the trash out, and helping unload the dishwasher. On Saturdays daddy has all the kids working in the yard.
I've bought him a book on minecraft and he loves the minecraft lego sets, so perhaps your son would like the lego sets? They pretty awesome albeit expensive.
My husband is teaching my daughter scratch - it's a free program that teaches kids how to program their own video games. As much as electronics are a time suck, most jobs out there are going to require proficiency with it.
My kids are young enough that they still love playing outside, riding bikes, and swimming so we are pretty active outside of electronic time.
This will be my first summer home full time with my kids. I'm already planning activities- water park days, zoo, beach days, Busch Gardens.... Do your kids like those kinds of activities? What if they were allowed to bring a friend to those activities?
I actually like Minecraft, lol. It's just watching videos of people playing it that I don't get...
For this Summer, well, we got a pool this year, so I'm looking forward to that (52 inches deep, so it will be pretty good for them, and I can enjoy it too). We do the beach, they don't care much about the zoo because it's too much walking, we did Six Flags and the water park last year but let's be fair... they don't care for Six Flags and I really don't like it either (they're getting too big for the kid rides but don't like big rides anyway), and we liked the water park but I just go insane after a couple hours there (I just don't do crowds), and it was a drag to get them to leave, so I didn't get passes this year.
It's going to be our first year without camps too (well there's the scout one the last week of June) so it's going to be interesting. I'm not really sure how often we'll get to see our friends either, so we'll see. But with the new puppy maybe it will be easier to get them to the park at least.FreyasRebirth wrote: »Do you like camping? I know there are still two months (give or take) until school ends but I would consider taking them camping this summer. Somewhere free (or mostly free) of light pollution. It might be quite a drive, depending on where you live, but breaking his routine for 7-10 days and spending all that time together could have an impact that would last longer than the actual trip. Resetting his internal clock, for one! My own son would probably be dumbfounded by a clear view of the Milky Way.
Yeah actually we were talking about that with our friends, to go camping together... but it seems he's been making other plans and she hasn't brought it up again so I'm not sure it's going to happen. I'm not sure I want to go with just the four of us, mostly because we wouldn't be able to split the costs and we still have to pay for boarding for our cat and one of the dogs (we'd probably bring the puppy, if they are allowed, otherwise I wouldn't go anyway). We had a bunch of expenses this year so we can't really afford much in term of vacations.0 -
DeficitDuchess wrote: »cahubbard6421 wrote: »You're a failure alright.
Did I get your attention? Good. Kids crave structure and discipline. They will never admit it but they do. If you don't get this simple task under control, your kid will turn into a terrorist. Maybe not that sever but you get the idea.
Take the router and destroy it right in front of him next time he doesn't listen. Set limits and expectations and don't waver. Positive reinforcement doesn't work when your kid doesn't care about it. When all else fails, (it has already) spank him when he doesn't do what is expected. It won't take long for the little one to fall in line.
Before anyone says it, I spank my kids (14, 13, 7) when they deserve it. Haven't had to spank them for three years or so for the younger one and almost 8 for the older two. It works. That's why your parents spanked you and their parents spanked them.
Spanking only works to cause a child to, fear their parent which means the; parent's the terrorist! Also hitting's like teaching math by, literally throwing the math book at; the child! The child doesn't actually, then learn how; to understand & work through the, problems within that; book do they?
Bullsh!t. I am a child of the "spanking era" and I have a lot more respect than kids/teenagers do now. There is NOTHING wrong with understanding at a young age there are serious consequences to certain behaviours. When you're a kid it's spanking, when you're an adult it's jail, or getting fired, or socially alienated.
One thing I've always noticed. People who have well behaved dogs usually have well behaved children. That's because the process is the same for both. Clear consistent boundaries, reinforcement, and respect. A smack on the *kitten* with a flip flop and a firm NO works for both. Taking a dog's ball away is not going to prevent it from jumping all over the furniture or your guests.5 -
DeficitDuchess wrote: »cahubbard6421 wrote: »You're a failure alright.
Did I get your attention? Good. Kids crave structure and discipline. They will never admit it but they do. If you don't get this simple task under control, your kid will turn into a terrorist. Maybe not that sever but you get the idea.
Take the router and destroy it right in front of him next time he doesn't listen. Set limits and expectations and don't waver. Positive reinforcement doesn't work when your kid doesn't care about it. When all else fails, (it has already) spank him when he doesn't do what is expected. It won't take long for the little one to fall in line.
Before anyone says it, I spank my kids (14, 13, 7) when they deserve it. Haven't had to spank them for three years or so for the younger one and almost 8 for the older two. It works. That's why your parents spanked you and their parents spanked them.
Spanking only works to cause a child to, fear their parent which means the; parent's the terrorist! Also hitting's like teaching math by, literally throwing the math book at; the child! The child doesn't actually, then learn how; to understand & work through the, problems within that; book do they?
To each their own. My kid doesn't fear me. My kid also does what I tell them to do. He has learned that if he follows the rules his life is great. If he doesn't, there are consequences. But like I said, there is a reason it has always worked.2 -
EbonyDahlia wrote: »DeficitDuchess wrote: »cahubbard6421 wrote: »You're a failure alright.
Did I get your attention? Good. Kids crave structure and discipline. They will never admit it but they do. If you don't get this simple task under control, your kid will turn into a terrorist. Maybe not that sever but you get the idea.
Take the router and destroy it right in front of him next time he doesn't listen. Set limits and expectations and don't waver. Positive reinforcement doesn't work when your kid doesn't care about it. When all else fails, (it has already) spank him when he doesn't do what is expected. It won't take long for the little one to fall in line.
Before anyone says it, I spank my kids (14, 13, 7) when they deserve it. Haven't had to spank them for three years or so for the younger one and almost 8 for the older two. It works. That's why your parents spanked you and their parents spanked them.
Spanking only works to cause a child to, fear their parent which means the; parent's the terrorist! Also hitting's like teaching math by, literally throwing the math book at; the child! The child doesn't actually, then learn how; to understand & work through the, problems within that; book do they?
Bullsh!t. I am a child of the "spanking era" and I have a lot more respect than kids/teenagers do now. There is NOTHING wrong with understanding at a young age there are serious consequences to certain behaviours. When you're a kid it's spanking, when you're an adult it's jail, or getting fired, or socially alienated.
One thing I've always noticed. People who have well behaved dogs usually have well behaved children. That's because the process is the same for both. Clear consistent boundaries, reinforcement, and respect. A smack on the *kitten* with a flip flop and a firm NO works for both. Taking a dog's ball away is not going to prevent it from jumping all over the furniture or your guests.
Fantastic insight. Super true.1 -
Every generation has believed themselves superior to the ones coming afterward. Heck, the "problem" was written about by Socrates. It is practically a trope as old as writing.
Statistically, "kids these days" are doing much better than prior generations. Lower amounts of crime, fewer teenage pregnancies, higher high school graduation rates, ect. Kids aren't drinking as much as they used to, they don't smoke as much, and data is even coming in saying that today's teens are less likely to be sexually active!4 -
Get rid of the internet. The person I work for does not have the internet. Never has. His three kids are all honor students in very good colleges. It can be done. People lived very healthy productive lives pre-facebook and Youtube. Just like bad foods. If they are not in the house then you cant eat them. Same with the internet. You cant be with him 24/7 - but at least at night you will know he cant get to them.
Honestly though, that one is on me, but I'm a SAHM. I'm pretty active but I would probably completely lose my mind without Internet and/or TV (and my (not 5yo but 3yo because they replaced my broken 4yo phone with that one) phone doesn't have unlimited data either so I can't completely rely on that). Plus all my recipes are online... and I got to feed my family.
We'll try to figure out how to cut off the wifi from 11pm to 6am though.
Kids learn by example. Do not expect from your child to do as you say. If he sees you spending most of the day offline (e.g. turn the internet on only for limited hours in the morning), if he does not see you watching TV, if he sees you going to the gym, participating in athletic events, if you join the local pool together, if you go for bike rides and daily walks, this is what he will learn. If you and his dad spend hours with a phone glued on your hands or the TV in the background, you can talk to him about finding other interests until you turn blue, but he will have no clue what you are talking about. Lead by example. Your child is 9 years old. He copies you. He cannot do things you really do not want him to do. You control his lifestyle, there is very little he can or cannot do if you really mean it.
.. you didn't read the thread, did you?
Anyway, my husband is another matter. He's made some things more difficult, but he's starting to get really pissed off so more willing to stick to it I guess.
Again though - the problem isn't the tv/tablet. It's the lying and sneaking to do things he's forbidden to do. Not sure why it isn't clear.
Because saying to a child "do not do this" does not work. You need to figure out why he is doing this (addiction - which I doubt at this age, to get your attention - more likely), and show him what to do instead.
And I did read the thread. I am still waiting for you to say what you do with the kids, what shared activities you have on a daily basis. "Do not play minecraft", "I will take your toys" and "go read a book" are not activities.
I really believe that a child who spends an hour per day after school playing outdoors, who alternates early evenings between a team sport, a music lesson, an arts class etc, who goes for regular walks or bike rides with his parents, who spends time with assigned chores (such as, training the puppy, washing the dishes, folding laundry etc), who listens to bedtime stories (my 10 year old who obviously can read still loves this because it is bonding time) does not get into the middle of the night up to get attention.
I really think you need to change your lifestyle as a family, because you are dealing of a symptom, not the problem itself. And I mean change things now, not after summer break, not next year.2 -
My son loves minecraft too. Actually my daughter too. She is 8 and he is 6. They were exposed to it by the babysitter who watched them while I worked - my husband and I do not play video games.
I downloaded the pocket edition on my phone last summer as incentive to get my son to practice his handwriting. Boy he was excited to do his handwriting to get to play for 20 minutes.
Now he's only allowed to play when all his chores/homework/responsibilities are done. At 6 he's responsible for cleaning up his room every morning, bringing down his dirty laundry, setting the table, cleaning up after meals, taking the trash out, and helping unload the dishwasher. On Saturdays daddy has all the kids working in the yard.
I've bought him a book on minecraft and he loves the minecraft lego sets, so perhaps your son would like the lego sets? They pretty awesome albeit expensive.
My husband is teaching my daughter scratch - it's a free program that teaches kids how to program their own video games. As much as electronics are a time suck, most jobs out there are going to require proficiency with it.
My kids are young enough that they still love playing outside, riding bikes, and swimming so we are pretty active outside of electronic time.
This will be my first summer home full time with my kids. I'm already planning activities- water park days, zoo, beach days, Busch Gardens.... Do your kids like those kinds of activities? What if they were allowed to bring a friend to those activities?
Wow! Can I borrow your kid for a week? He sounds awesome.0 -
EbonyDahlia wrote: »DeficitDuchess wrote: »cahubbard6421 wrote: »You're a failure alright.
Did I get your attention? Good. Kids crave structure and discipline. They will never admit it but they do. If you don't get this simple task under control, your kid will turn into a terrorist. Maybe not that sever but you get the idea.
Take the router and destroy it right in front of him next time he doesn't listen. Set limits and expectations and don't waver. Positive reinforcement doesn't work when your kid doesn't care about it. When all else fails, (it has already) spank him when he doesn't do what is expected. It won't take long for the little one to fall in line.
Before anyone says it, I spank my kids (14, 13, 7) when they deserve it. Haven't had to spank them for three years or so for the younger one and almost 8 for the older two. It works. That's why your parents spanked you and their parents spanked them.
Spanking only works to cause a child to, fear their parent which means the; parent's the terrorist! Also hitting's like teaching math by, literally throwing the math book at; the child! The child doesn't actually, then learn how; to understand & work through the, problems within that; book do they?
Bullsh!t. I am a child of the "spanking era" and I have a lot more respect than kids/teenagers do now. There is NOTHING wrong with understanding at a young age there are serious consequences to certain behaviours. When you're a kid it's spanking, when you're an adult it's jail, or getting fired, or socially alienated.
One thing I've always noticed. People who have well behaved dogs usually have well behaved children. That's because the process is the same for both. Clear consistent boundaries, reinforcement, and respect. A smack on the *kitten* with a flip flop and a firm NO works for both. Taking a dog's ball away is not going to prevent it from jumping all over the furniture or your guests.
THIS is where I stand also--and my 3 grown sons are thanking me today. I used the "3 rule"--I tell you once, I tell you twice, third time--whack.1 -
Gimsteinn1 wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »EbonyDahlia wrote: »DeficitDuchess wrote: »cahubbard6421 wrote: »You're a failure alright.
Did I get your attention? Good. Kids crave structure and discipline. They will never admit it but they do. If you don't get this simple task under control, your kid will turn into a terrorist. Maybe not that sever but you get the idea.
Take the router and destroy it right in front of him next time he doesn't listen. Set limits and expectations and don't waver. Positive reinforcement doesn't work when your kid doesn't care about it. When all else fails, (it has already) spank him when he doesn't do what is expected. It won't take long for the little one to fall in line.
Before anyone says it, I spank my kids (14, 13, 7) when they deserve it. Haven't had to spank them for three years or so for the younger one and almost 8 for the older two. It works. That's why your parents spanked you and their parents spanked them.
Spanking only works to cause a child to, fear their parent which means the; parent's the terrorist! Also hitting's like teaching math by, literally throwing the math book at; the child! The child doesn't actually, then learn how; to understand & work through the, problems within that; book do they?
Bullsh!t. I am a child of the "spanking era" and I have a lot more respect than kids/teenagers do now. There is NOTHING wrong with understanding at a young age there are serious consequences to certain behaviours. When you're a kid it's spanking, when you're an adult it's jail, or getting fired, or socially alienated.
One thing I've always noticed. People who have well behaved dogs usually have well behaved children. That's because the process is the same for both. Clear consistent boundaries, reinforcement, and respect. A smack on the *kitten* with a flip flop and a firm NO works for both. Taking a dog's ball away is not going to prevent it from jumping all over the furniture or your guests.
THIS is where I stand also--and my 3 grown sons are thanking me today. I used the "3 rule"--I tell you once, I tell you twice, third time--whack.
This is called child abuse. You guys are beating your children and there's no other word for it.
Really? My "children" are 23, 29, and 30 And after looking at other families with no discipline, they are thanking me today. Also--you guys just don't get it. I wasn't "beating" my kids everyday. They got a whack on the butt when stepping out of line, and after once or twice they knew I was serious--When they heard "the voice" or "got the look" they quickly started behaving. Yes, I would probably be arrested today, but watching the totally out of control children around me, I don't regret a thing. There is something very off with the rules of parenting today.2 -
I've been raising children most of my life, from having to learn how to change my own diapers/potty train myself as a toddler; to raising my siblings when I was 8 years old & then raising/babysitting other peoples children, until I was 29; I am 37 currently & unfortunately don't/won't have, any of; my own because of, premature menopause. However I've never had a problem with a child of various ages, that I couldn't resolve with; time outs, discussion, etc.
Children aren't objects & thus they aren't to, be controlled by; you but instead're to, be taught by you to; control themselves! If spanking worked then, everyone in jail would be those; that were never were. Since it's plausible to, successfully raise a child without hitting them then; it isn't ever necessary to! A parent's own, lack of; self discipline & inability to, teach isn't their; child's fault! Therefore it's the parent's responsibility to, take a parenting/anger management class themselves to learn how to discipline their child without; being violent! I believe that spanking teaches, to solve problems; with anger & violence; which then leads to being imprisoned; for assault, domestic violence, etc.
Also the worst of it isn't even, the act itself it's the escalation that's necessary to; achieve the same response/result desired. For instance when someone scraps their knee for; the 1st few times it'll hurt enough to; make them cry but after they, become accustomed to the pain it'll take; a sprain, a fracture, a break, etc. to, produce the; same effect. The same, goes with; spanking. A light tap'll have to, evolve into; a hard slap, etc., to continually produce the, same level of pain; to control the child. Plus some children don't have, the ability to; feel physical pain & others self harm to relieve pain so, clearly spanking wouldn't have the; same effect with these children!
Another issue that comes to, mind concerning spanking's the physical; ability to continue with it. So if a parent that spanks their child becomes disabled within, such a way that makes it impossible to continue that form of discipline then; how'll they discipline their child or if the parent that does the spanking has, to leave to go on a business trip for a week how'll the; child be disciplined that week? A timeout can be given without, having to; be physical or a discussion can be had without, having to be within the; same location that the child's!2 -
Get rid of the internet. The person I work for does not have the internet. Never has. His three kids are all honor students in very good colleges. It can be done. People lived very healthy productive lives pre-facebook and Youtube. Just like bad foods. If they are not in the house then you cant eat them. Same with the internet. You cant be with him 24/7 - but at least at night you will know he cant get to them.
Honestly though, that one is on me, but I'm a SAHM. I'm pretty active but I would probably completely lose my mind without Internet and/or TV (and my (not 5yo but 3yo because they replaced my broken 4yo phone with that one) phone doesn't have unlimited data either so I can't completely rely on that). Plus all my recipes are online... and I got to feed my family.
We'll try to figure out how to cut off the wifi from 11pm to 6am though.
Kids learn by example. Do not expect from your child to do as you say. If he sees you spending most of the day offline (e.g. turn the internet on only for limited hours in the morning), if he does not see you watching TV, if he sees you going to the gym, participating in athletic events, if you join the local pool together, if you go for bike rides and daily walks, this is what he will learn. If you and his dad spend hours with a phone glued on your hands or the TV in the background, you can talk to him about finding other interests until you turn blue, but he will have no clue what you are talking about. Lead by example. Your child is 9 years old. He copies you. He cannot do things you really do not want him to do. You control his lifestyle, there is very little he can or cannot do if you really mean it.
.. you didn't read the thread, did you?
Anyway, my husband is another matter. He's made some things more difficult, but he's starting to get really pissed off so more willing to stick to it I guess.
Again though - the problem isn't the tv/tablet. It's the lying and sneaking to do things he's forbidden to do. Not sure why it isn't clear.
Because saying to a child "do not do this" does not work. You need to figure out why he is doing this (addiction - which I doubt at this age, to get your attention - more likely), and show him what to do instead.
And I did read the thread. I am still waiting for you to say what you do with the kids, what shared activities you have on a daily basis. "Do not play minecraft", "I will take your toys" and "go read a book" are not activities.
I really believe that a child who spends an hour per day after school playing outdoors, who alternates early evenings between a team sport, a music lesson, an arts class etc, who goes for regular walks or bike rides with his parents, who spends time with assigned chores (such as, training the puppy, washing the dishes, folding laundry etc), who listens to bedtime stories (my 10 year old who obviously can read still loves this because it is bonding time) does not get into the middle of the night up to get attention.
I really think you need to change your lifestyle as a family, because you are dealing of a symptom, not the problem itself. And I mean change things now, not after summer break, not next year.
They play outside after school with their friends for 30 minutes as long as it's not raining. We go home, have a snack, and do homework (which I help with), then they go out to play typically for at least an hour (again, it's been raining and cold so we're just getting into it again). Then they play a game with their dad (or yeah, when it's not gross out, it's more outside time together) and they read with him before bed. We try to go out for lunch or breakfast during the week end too, and again, we hang out with friends (whose kids they are friends with) every Sunday. Plus the scout stuff that he goes to with my husband.
Laughing at the 'bike ride with the parents' part though because when my kids ride their bikes, they're way ahead of us and completely ignoring us (or just whining the whole time if we walk).
You don't have my kids, and they're twins, and believe it or not, it's an ENTIRELY different thing. They're very close and spend 95% of their awake time together. Also laughing because every single night he's had activities, played with their friends, and we went for a walk, he was up at 4.30am watching TV. We also got a puppy and we've been spending more time playing with her and going for walks and starting puppy classes soon.
I do appreciate the advice, but blank statements like 'a child in this situation will not do that' does not apply to every single kid. You don't know my kids.0 -
Gimsteinn1 wrote: »DeficitDuchess wrote: »I've been raising children most of my life, from having to learn how to change my own diapers/potty train myself as a toddler; to raising my siblings when I was 8 years old & then raising/babysitting other peoples children, until I was 29; I am 37 currently & unfortunately don't/won't have, any of; my own because of, premature menopause. However I've never had a problem with a child of various ages, that I couldn't resolve with; time outs, discussion, etc.
Children aren't objects & thus they aren't to, be controlled by; you but instead're to, be taught by you to; control themselves! If spanking worked then, everyone in jail would be those; that were never were. Since it's plausible to, successfully raise a child without hitting them then; it isn't ever necessary to! A parent's own, lack of; self discipline & inability to, teach isn't their; child's fault! Therefore it's the parent's responsibility to, take a parenting/anger management class themselves to learn how to discipline their child without; being violent! I believe that spanking teaches, to solve problems; with anger & violence; which then leads to being imprisoned; for assault, domestic violence, etc.
Also the worst of it isn't even, the act itself it's the escalation that's necessary to; achieve the same response/result desired. For instance when someone scraps their knee for; the 1st few times it'll hurt enough to; make them cry but after they, become accustomed to the pain it'll take; a sprain, a fracture, a break, etc. to, produce the; same effect. The same, goes with; spanking. A light tap'll have to, evolve into; a hard slap, etc., to continually produce the, same level of pain; to control the child. Plus some children don't have, the ability to; feel physical pain & others self harm to relieve pain so, clearly spanking wouldn't have the; same effect with these children!
Another issue that comes to, mind concerning spanking's the physical; ability to continue with it. So if a parent that spanks their child becomes disabled within, such a way that makes it impossible to continue that form of discipline then; how'll they discipline their child or if the parent that does the spanking has, to leave to go on a business trip for a week how'll the; child be disciplined that week? A timeout can be given without, having to; be physical or a discussion can be had without, having to be within the; same location that the child's!
You don't have to believe in the correlation between spanking and violent behavior. There have been many studies who show a strong connection between those two.
Actually, there have been many studies on spanking and you guys who say your kids are ok now and doing well.. Great, you dodged a bullet just like my grandpa who smoked 2 packs a day and lived to be 92 years old. Smokers are still a higher risk for cancer even though he didn't get one. Just like children who are spanked are at higer risk to develop aggression, antisocial behavior, physical injury and mental health problems.
Hitting your child is not a form of discipline. It's a form of abuse that can cause your kid to act out more. Don't believe me? Then do research yourself. Google it, read about it... or apply for Dr. Phils show to talk about the matter, I don't care just don't beat up your own kid that you're supposed to love and protect!
you! 0 -
My son is also addicted to mine craft too and has also done things to defy us. So you are not a failure things happen.1
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There may not be a direct correlation between spanning and prison but there is a direct correlation between no discipline and prison. Broken homes account for the majority of prisoners. The lack of a true discipline system around an individual is both damaging to their development and is the root cause for chaos.
The liberal side of this conversation views spanking as abuse because they view the act of spanking as violent. They assume that the lead up is chaotic and uncontrolled. The assume that all spanking turns into a violent rage that results in bruises and broken bones. The don't see the agony that goes into spanking your child.
The difference here is simple. I would never tell you not to spank your child. I will never assume you're a monster for not teaching your children that all actions have consequences. When you're a child, the consequences are small. As an adult, the consequences for violating the law of the land is jail or prison, being fired, or being labeled. The idea of spanking isn't to scare a child. My kids know that I love them more than life itself. They also know that I was beaten as a child. They also know that I would never hurt them. Huge difference between spanking and hurting for those of you that are going to take that angle. You do not spank a child to hurt them. You also cannot use spanking as the end all be all! I only spank for serious (read potentially dangerous) behavior issues.
My children do not fear me. They respect me enough to not act like a typical teenager. They don't go out to go party, they get great grades, they are active in sports, and they are going to be extremely responsible and productive adults.4 -
DeficitDuchess wrote: »I've been raising children most of my life, from having to learn how to change my own diapers/potty train myself as a toddler; to raising my siblings when I was 8 years old & then raising/babysitting other peoples children, until I was 29; I am 37 currently & unfortunately don't/won't have, any of; my own because of, premature menopause. However I've never had a problem with a child of various ages, that I couldn't resolve with; time outs, discussion, etc.
Children aren't objects & thus they aren't to, be controlled by; you but instead're to, be taught by you to; control themselves! If spanking worked then, everyone in jail would be those; that were never were. Since it's plausible to, successfully raise a child without hitting them then; it isn't ever necessary to! A parent's own, lack of; self discipline & inability to, teach isn't their; child's fault! Therefore it's the parent's responsibility to, take a parenting/anger management class themselves to learn how to discipline their child without; being violent! I believe that spanking teaches, to solve problems; with anger & violence; which then leads to being imprisoned; for assault, domestic violence, etc.
Also the worst of it isn't even, the act itself it's the escalation that's necessary to; achieve the same response/result desired. For instance when someone scraps their knee for; the 1st few times it'll hurt enough to; make them cry but after they, become accustomed to the pain it'll take; a sprain, a fracture, a break, etc. to, produce the; same effect. The same, goes with; spanking. A light tap'll have to, evolve into; a hard slap, etc., to continually produce the, same level of pain; to control the child. Plus some children don't have, the ability to; feel physical pain & others self harm to relieve pain so, clearly spanking wouldn't have the; same effect with these children!
Another issue that comes to, mind concerning spanking's the physical; ability to continue with it. So if a parent that spanks their child becomes disabled within, such a way that makes it impossible to continue that form of discipline then; how'll they discipline their child or if the parent that does the spanking has, to leave to go on a business trip for a week how'll the; child be disciplined that week? A timeout can be given without, having to; be physical or a discussion can be had without, having to be within the; same location that the child's!
Do you own animals? Because you just don't get it. Also, disciplining children is something that takes time and patience. What works for one child will not work for another. Your argument is full of holes. My sons always respected and obeyed their teachers--unlike alot of the other children in school. I also received many compliments on how well-behaved my vivacious (happy)boys were. Go figure.2 -
Gimsteinn1 wrote: »DeficitDuchess wrote: »I've been raising children most of my life, from having to learn how to change my own diapers/potty train myself as a toddler; to raising my siblings when I was 8 years old & then raising/babysitting other peoples children, until I was 29; I am 37 currently & unfortunately don't/won't have, any of; my own because of, premature menopause. However I've never had a problem with a child of various ages, that I couldn't resolve with; time outs, discussion, etc.
Children aren't objects & thus they aren't to, be controlled by; you but instead're to, be taught by you to; control themselves! If spanking worked then, everyone in jail would be those; that were never were. Since it's plausible to, successfully raise a child without hitting them then; it isn't ever necessary to! A parent's own, lack of; self discipline & inability to, teach isn't their; child's fault! Therefore it's the parent's responsibility to, take a parenting/anger management class themselves to learn how to discipline their child without; being violent! I believe that spanking teaches, to solve problems; with anger & violence; which then leads to being imprisoned; for assault, domestic violence, etc.
Also the worst of it isn't even, the act itself it's the escalation that's necessary to; achieve the same response/result desired. For instance when someone scraps their knee for; the 1st few times it'll hurt enough to; make them cry but after they, become accustomed to the pain it'll take; a sprain, a fracture, a break, etc. to, produce the; same effect. The same, goes with; spanking. A light tap'll have to, evolve into; a hard slap, etc., to continually produce the, same level of pain; to control the child. Plus some children don't have, the ability to; feel physical pain & others self harm to relieve pain so, clearly spanking wouldn't have the; same effect with these children!
Another issue that comes to, mind concerning spanking's the physical; ability to continue with it. So if a parent that spanks their child becomes disabled within, such a way that makes it impossible to continue that form of discipline then; how'll they discipline their child or if the parent that does the spanking has, to leave to go on a business trip for a week how'll the; child be disciplined that week? A timeout can be given without, having to; be physical or a discussion can be had without, having to be within the; same location that the child's!
You don't have to believe in the correlation between spanking and violent behavior. There have been many studies who show a strong connection between those two.
Actually, there have been many studies on spanking and you guys who say your kids are ok now and doing well.. Great, you dodged a bullet just like my grandpa who smoked 2 packs a day and lived to be 92 years old. Smokers are still a higher risk for cancer even though he didn't get one. Just like children who are spanked are at higer risk to develop aggression, antisocial behavior, physical injury and mental health problems.
Hitting your child is not a form of discipline. It's a form of abuse that can cause your kid to act out more. Don't believe me? Then do research yourself. Google it, read about it... or apply for Dr. Phils show to talk about the matter, I don't care just don't beat up your own kid that you're supposed to love and protect!
A whack on the butt is not child abuse, in my book.
PS: I'll discuss the "dodged bullet" with my 6'3 gigantic middle son the next time he comes up behind to hug me. By the way, he's so "mal-adjusted" that he's studying to be a magistrate, now that he's got his law degree.4 -
I actually like Minecraft, lol. It's just watching videos of people playing it that I don't get...
Oh, man. twitch.tv would confuse the kitten out of you, then. Why do you watch TV? Because it's entertaining. It's probably less entertaining for you to watch a season finale of a show you don't watch than for a show you religiously follow. Minecraft videos are your kid's show.
I'd start getting him on this site when the war in your house is over, though. If he's tech interested, might as well foster it.
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EbonyDahlia wrote: »DeficitDuchess wrote: »cahubbard6421 wrote: »You're a failure alright.
Did I get your attention? Good. Kids crave structure and discipline. They will never admit it but they do. If you don't get this simple task under control, your kid will turn into a terrorist. Maybe not that sever but you get the idea.
Take the router and destroy it right in front of him next time he doesn't listen. Set limits and expectations and don't waver. Positive reinforcement doesn't work when your kid doesn't care about it. When all else fails, (it has already) spank him when he doesn't do what is expected. It won't take long for the little one to fall in line.
Before anyone says it, I spank my kids (14, 13, 7) when they deserve it. Haven't had to spank them for three years or so for the younger one and almost 8 for the older two. It works. That's why your parents spanked you and their parents spanked them.
Spanking only works to cause a child to, fear their parent which means the; parent's the terrorist! Also hitting's like teaching math by, literally throwing the math book at; the child! The child doesn't actually, then learn how; to understand & work through the, problems within that; book do they?
Bullsh!t. I am a child of the "spanking era" and I have a lot more respect than kids/teenagers do now. There is NOTHING wrong with understanding at a young age there are serious consequences to certain behaviours. When you're a kid it's spanking, when you're an adult it's jail, or getting fired, or socially alienated.
One thing I've always noticed. People who have well behaved dogs usually have well behaved children. That's because the process is the same for both. Clear consistent boundaries, reinforcement, and respect. A smack on the *kitten* with a flip flop and a firm NO works for both. Taking a dog's ball away is not going to prevent it from jumping all over the furniture or your guests.
The training process is the same for both children and dogs, I agree; however, smacking a dog doesn't teach them anything but to fear you. This is a proven fact. I'm a former dog trainer. Positive reinforcement provides far better results than hitting. You can EXPLAIN to a child why you're spanking them - they understand. Dogs do not understand your words, only your anger and your actions. Whenever I see anyone smacking a dog for what they consider "misbehaving" I want to hit them upside the head and shout something to them in another language they don't understand and see how they feel about it!! Do you know why I hit you? NO, because I was not speaking your language so you have no idea what you did wrong!!!!3
This discussion has been closed.
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