I feel like a parenting failure
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What i would do ( I work in IT) is I would go into your router settings and either use parental controls and setup the router to turn off Wifi at night ( say 9pm-till-7am).
Then I would take your mobile devices ( cell phones, hotspots and such) and I would either set them with a new password- so that lil guy cant access them. and I would also put them up in your room( so there is no temptation.
It sounds like he has an addiction. Normally i would say let him have an hour of internet time each day, so that he can budget his time. But it sounds like he really needs to quit cold turkey. I'm not sure what you do for a living, but if you can go without internet for a month at home, maybe you would consider calling your ISP and have them turn off the internet for a month?
Dont be hard on yourself.. Parenting is tough. But if you do kill the internet for a month. Use the time to your advantage. Play some board games, go for some walks, read a book.
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I am not familiar with the show, is it something you would normally allow...just not unlimited?
If you would normally allow it I would give it a time limit, an hour? During the day, in the kitchen while you cook or in a public place.
It may be that it has become more about control than the show itself. Kids are always testing limits, that's how they grow up, it's the most natural thing in the world. This has become a major standoff and is it worth it to you? You're becoming a cop over this. It's also become a game to him, trying to get around your rule.
He's being obnoxious, but he is a nine year old boy and they are pretty obnoxious creatures. Don't worry, soon he'll be an obnoxious teenager and the problems get bigger. I vote you stand down a little and he gets to feel that he won a little. Offer a truce. He's sure to come up with something else to drive you insane as soon as this battle ends.
Sneaking out to watch videos until 4am, on a school night, after he's been explicitly told not to, and then falling asleep in school, is not something I'd stand down on as a parent, personally.
I know the type of videos the OP is talking about and they're not generally inappropriate content -wise, but they are effective at capturing their target audience, that's for sure. My 12yo would watch stuff like that 24/7 given free rein. I don't blame the OP for wanting to set some limits.
I agree that during the day, in a public place, and with a time limit is a fine compromise, but it sounds like her 9yo isn't satisfied with that and keeps circumventing the established boundaries. What will letting him feel that he won a little accomplish in this scenario, other than reinforcing his misbehavior?1 -
You're not a bad parent. The fact that you're asking questions means you care enough to figure out what to do. If he loves minecraft, embrace the minecraft. Instead of him wanting to watch the videos all the time, do something fun and active with him that revolves around minecraft. https://www.pinterest.com/explore/minecraft-activities/?lp=true Check out this link and other things on Pinterest. Make some crafts and games and have active fun with him doing exactly what he likes. This will nurture his talents instead of having him in front of a video. And also, don't completely take away the videos, just limit them to a few here and there.2
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parental controls are on nearly everything .... tablets can be set to only work at set hours, most cable boxes can be set to not work during certain hours. the same is true with internet routers. cellphones can be set to use your homes wifi not data but when wifi is not avaialble some then allow data but you can hard set the data restriction by contacting your cell provider and really your husband and your cellphone should have a password set so that they are harder for the kids to access.
i went as far as using opendns do block content at the router box by blacklisting sites and types of content.
hiding remotes is an inconvenience not a deterrent.0 -
deputy_randolph wrote: »You can't lock your kid in his room at night (that is illegal in my state), but you can lock up all devices.
Positive reinforcement does work better. My kid is almost 9...some behavioral issues at school. I tried the "taking things way" approach. Didn't help. I made a chart and recorded all of the points he earned at school during the week. Based on how many points for positive behavior, he could earn tv time, computer time, etc. He can gets points deducted if he acts poorly at home. His behavior has improved. I would take the devices away and lock up at night...and try to see if he would be receptive to earning points to trade in for time on devices.
I love the points system! My mum used this for me and my brother. Points were given for good behavior and taken away for bad behavior and our pocket money every week was based on our points. If we wanted to save for anything, it was up to us how quick we got it.
Give it a try, see how you get on maybe?
He never cared for a point system. We have one on the fridge and he doesn't care about a possible reward he might get in a week.What other interests does he have? What other activities? I would start by making sure he gets plenty of other things to do, like trying different sports, lots of playdates etc.
He doesn't care about anything.. has no interest in anything else. He gets to spend time with friends every Sunday but he's still downstairs watching TV on Monday at 4am.
This is the parenting "failure" right there: he does not get a choice. Enroll him in soccer, swimming lessons, basketball, go out for a walk every evening, play board games together. Switch off electronics, you too.
He is 9. You cannot take things away and expect him to just find something new to do. Especially when his own dad introduced him to minecraft. You need to show him something else to do instead, and work on this as a family.
It costs money. I really can't afford to blow $300 on something he will not be interested in though.You aren't a failure! My daughter used to be the same way; not with TV but with other things. We tried everything you are doing too and none of it worked. She's 17 now so we survived and you will too.
One thing we have learned is don't take away extracurricular activities! You could try to sit down with him and have a conversation, a "free zone" conversation where anything he says he won't get in extra trouble for. (through counseling) We have learned to ask our kids, we have 2 boys too, if they understand what they are doing is wrong. Ask why they feel the need to do whatever it is. Ask if there's something else they'd rather be doing. Make sure they understand why staying up late, too much screen time, etc. is bad. Have them re-explain it to us so we know they understand. Agree to rules; if they are a part of making the rules, they are more likely to follow them...according to the counselor...and it seems to work. Also, ask them what they think a fair punishment would be if they are caught doing whatever it is wrong again. That doesn't have to be the final punishment but compromise.
I know I have always though 9 and 10 were too young to be making those kinds of choices but since we were at the end of our rope, we did what the counselor suggested. It worked for awhile. Then she'd get back to doing whatever and then we'd have the whole discussion all over again. She seemed to get a lot better when she knew she could discuss things with us without getting yelled at or grounded extra during the "free zone" talks. She also followed the rules she made.
Make sure to print out the rules and have you, your husband, and son (and daughter maybe too for her rules) sign it so it's like a contract.
Also reading parenting books helps. lol. It will give you peace of mind mostly but some of the tricks do help. I'd suggest Dare to Discipline by Dr. Dobson. Any of his books really. He doesn't speak dr speak in his books. They are straightforward.
If all else fails, take him to a counselor AND do family counseling. Yes, it becomes a lot of appointments but it really, really helps. Good luck! You will all get past this and come out on the other end ok.
**Hugs from a mom who's been there too.
I'm doing counseling for my daughter already. I'll ask her for a referral for him too. Sigh...
She also keeps offering suggestions that really don't work for us though! Rewards, but again, my daughter doesn't care about anything either, except spending time with her friends, and it's not something I have any control on (it's actually been extremely frustrating for both of us).
It's rough when you have kids that are not interested in anything!
What are your interests? your priorities in life?
Kids learn from their parents, especially at this age. Have you spent the last year these 300$ you cannot afford for e.g. soccer in buying a new phone, paying for subscription tv? Are you and your husband into sports, hiking, bike rides, painting, playing music? Do not expect from kids to do things you are not doing. If your downtime or your husbands free time are spent in front of a screen, this is what the kids will do.
Even if you truly have no money, so no cable tv and a 5 year old cheap cell phone, then going for a daily long walk, walking the dog you mentioned, or just playing with your kid a board game, these would all be a great start.6 -
deputy_randolph wrote: »You can't lock your kid in his room at night (that is illegal in my state), but you can lock up all devices.
Positive reinforcement does work better. My kid is almost 9...some behavioral issues at school. I tried the "taking things way" approach. Didn't help. I made a chart and recorded all of the points he earned at school during the week. Based on how many points for positive behavior, he could earn tv time, computer time, etc. He can gets points deducted if he acts poorly at home. His behavior has improved. I would take the devices away and lock up at night...and try to see if he would be receptive to earning points to trade in for time on devices.
I love the points system! My mum used this for me and my brother. Points were given for good behavior and taken away for bad behavior and our pocket money every week was based on our points. If we wanted to save for anything, it was up to us how quick we got it.
Give it a try, see how you get on maybe?
He never cared for a point system. We have one on the fridge and he doesn't care about a possible reward he might get in a week.What other interests does he have? What other activities? I would start by making sure he gets plenty of other things to do, like trying different sports, lots of playdates etc.
He doesn't care about anything.. has no interest in anything else. He gets to spend time with friends every Sunday but he's still downstairs watching TV on Monday at 4am.
This is the parenting "failure" right there: he does not get a choice. Enroll him in soccer, swimming lessons, basketball, go out for a walk every evening, play board games together. Switch off electronics, you too.
He is 9. You cannot take things away and expect him to just find something new to do. Especially when his own dad introduced him to minecraft. You need to show him something else to do instead, and work on this as a family.
It costs money. I really can't afford to blow $300 on something he will not be interested in though.You aren't a failure! My daughter used to be the same way; not with TV but with other things. We tried everything you are doing too and none of it worked. She's 17 now so we survived and you will too. One thing we have learned is don't take away extracurricular activities! You could try to sit down with him and have a conversation, a "free zone" conversation where anything he says he won't get in extra trouble for. (through counseling) We have learned to ask our kids, we have 2 boys too, if they understand what they are doing is wrong. Ask why they feel the need to do whatever it is. Ask if there's something else they'd rather be doing. Make sure they understand why staying up late, too much screen time, etc. is bad. Have them re-explain it to us so we know they understand. Agree to rules; if they are a part of making the rules, they are more likely to follow them...according to the counselor...and it seems to work. Also, ask them what they think a fair punishment would be if they are caught doing whatever it is wrong again. That doesn't have to be the final punishment but compromise.
I know I have always though 9 and 10 were too young to be making those kinds of choices but since we were at the end of our rope, we did what the counselor suggested. It worked for awhile. Then she'd get back to doing whatever and then we'd have the whole discussion all over again. She seemed to get a lot better when she knew she could discuss things with us without getting yelled at or grounded extra during the "free zone" talks. She also followed the rules she made.
Make sure to print out the rules and have you, your husband, and son (and daughter maybe too for her rules) sign it so it's like a contract.
Also reading parenting books helps. lol. It will give you peace of mind mostly but some of the tricks do help. I'd suggest Dare to Discipline by Dr. Dobson. Any of his books really. He doesn't speak dr speak in his books. They are straightforward.
If all else fails, take him to a counselor AND do family counseling. Yes, it becomes a lot of appointments but it really, really helps. Good luck! You will all get past this and come out on the other end ok.
**Hugs from a mom who's been there too.
I'm doing counseling for my daughter already. I'll ask her for a referral for him too. Sigh...
She also keeps offering suggestions that really don't work for us though! Rewards, but again, my daughter doesn't care about anything either, except spending time with her friends, and it's not something I have any control on (it's actually been extremely frustrating for both of us).
It's rough when you have kids that are not interested in anything!
What are your interests? your priorities in life?
Kids learn from their parents, especially at this age. Have you spent the last year these 300$ you cannot afford for e.g. soccer in buying a new phone, paying for subscription tv? Are you and your husband into sports, hiking, bike rides, painting, playing music? Do not expect from kids to do things you are not doing. If your downtime or your husbands free time are spent in front of a screen, this is what the kids will do.
Even if you truly have no money, so no cable tv and a 5 year old cheap cell phone, then going for a daily long walk, walking the dog you mentioned, or just playing with your kid a board game, these would all be a great start.
We don't watch TV at all except after the kids are in bed. We don't like sports at all, but we always offer to go out for walks, go to the park or something... he doesn't want anything with it. If he ends up coming, he complains the whole time (she's worse than him about that actually).
I don't mind signing him up for things, I've just wasted a bunch of money on things he kept complaining about having to go to already and really don't have money to throw away that way (who does?). I can NEVER find something to do on week ends that they want to do either, so frankly I've pretty much given up at this point.
As I said.. my kids don't want to do anything except hanging out with friends and watching TV.0 -
when all else fails a trip to the woodshed, if you do not have a woodshed then a trip outside where he can help you build one. there were times when i had to go to the woodshed and empty it out, show my dad it was empty and then restack all the wood... a meaningless, tiring punishment... Somedays, i would get a good spanking out there but usually just a workout.4
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Sign him up for one sport. Let him know he has a choice, from things you can take him to (not 2 hours away or requiring to buy a horse for example) and that's it. Not as punishment, to promote a healthy lifestyle. He can complain every single time, he still will go, so it is in his best interest to pick an activity he prefers (or one where his friends go to). Make it clear that this is not negotiable. And follow through.
Int he evening, go for a walk, or a bike ride. It does not matter if he is whining. Take a ball with you, or a frisbee etc.
Schedule a board game evening and a family movie night, and an evening spent with friends. Do not ask him, there is no choice.3 -
Do you have a "modern" TV? Most have the option of setting parental controls. Do that so he can't watch anything. Have your husband set a password on his phone. And maybe seek counseling for your son.1
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Get rid of the internet. The person I work for does not have the internet. Never has. His three kids are all honor students in very good colleges. It can be done. People lived very healthy productive lives pre-facebook and Youtube. Just like bad foods. If they are not in the house then you cant eat them. Same with the internet. You cant be with him 24/7 - but at least at night you will know he cant get to them.7
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abitoftrouble wrote: »It sounds like maybe you've made your decision as far as taking any advice and the kids pretty much run the show. That's going to be fun when they are teens. I wish you the very best of luck.
Could have just copied and pasted whatever people eventually end up saying in my threads and saved you the trouble of typing it, lol.
Unfortunately, I'm not really one to start threads unless I've pretty much tried everything that people I know have recommended... so of course people are going to give the same advice, although I guess I should just ignore the replies from now on instead of saying that we tried it, it doesn't work, or it wouldn't work because our family doesn't work that way (or maybe it didn't occur to you that my kids are different).
I actually got some good suggestions by PM though, so I'll give that one a shot.
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1. He is not going to fix this on his own. You and your husband have to intervene.
2. No child ever died from boredom. If you take away access the electronics (and, yes, this has to be consistent), he *will* find other things to do.
3. There will be whining, maybe even defiance. But you have a very narrow window to turn this around before he gets older and stronger and things escalate.
4. This can get better, but you and your husband have to really and truly believe it can. Good luck.3 -
Get rid of the internet. The person I work for does not have the internet. Never has. His three kids are all honor students in very good colleges. It can be done. People lived very healthy productive lives pre-facebook and Youtube. Just like bad foods. If they are not in the house then you cant eat them. Same with the internet. You cant be with him 24/7 - but at least at night you will know he cant get to them.
Honestly though, that one is on me, but I'm a SAHM. I'm pretty active but I would probably completely lose my mind without Internet and/or TV (and my (not 5yo but 3yo because they replaced my broken 4yo phone with that one) phone doesn't have unlimited data either so I can't completely rely on that). Plus all my recipes are online... and I got to feed my family.
We'll try to figure out how to cut off the wifi from 11pm to 6am though.0 -
I didn't read all the responses so I apologize if this was already mentioned... but instead of taking everything away which will probably just push him to want it more, I would try enrolling him into physical activities. For one, it will give him something to do that will boost his self-confidence and make him socialize more, it might also help regulate his sleep patterns since he most likely won't have the energy to stay up all night anyways.
I think with bad habits, you can't just stop, you have to replace it with something good.
Being a parent is never easy, good luck!! oxox2 -
PS- It sucks this is happening. The internet can be such a wonderful tool, but it also can be so damn addictive...0 -
I didn't read all the responses so I apologize if this was already mentioned... but instead of taking everything away which will probably just push him to want it more, I would try enrolling him into physical activities. For one, it will give him something to do that will boost his self-confidence and make him socialize more, it might also help regulate his sleep patterns since he most likely won't have the energy to stay up all night anyways.
I think with bad habits, you can't just stop, you have to replace it with something good.
Being a parent is never easy, good luck!! oxox
I'll look into signing him up for something in September, we're kinda stuck right now anyway... maybe it will give him time to figure out what he wants to do *sigh*.
He has scouts once a week and spends every Sunday afternoon with his friends (and scout activities are starting on Saturdays now too).
Of course it doesn't help that getting them in bed every night is a NIGHTMARE already, and that any activity that gets them home past 7.30pm pretty much guarantees that they won't get enough sleep (and it's a big struggle to get them to do their homework BEFORE activities start too).
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Change the passwords on all your devices and take the tv to a friend or family members for a bit. Your husband will just have to go without for the sake of your child too. Don't give in to cries of boredom either. It's not a bad thing. It actually encourages the creative mind. Good luck.1
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I think youre giving him too many choices to make on his own. He's the child, not you. So what if he complains? Just ignore him lol The internet can be the devil at times. I have a 12 yo step daughter and her school gave them all laptops they have to carry back and forth to school everyday and she's up all hours of the night on it. (She lives with her mom, not us) and is always saying how she's she up until 2am watching tv. Her mom allows that behavior so she keeps doing it, we do not allow that behavior at our house. Idc if its summer break, a weekend, or anything. Good luck though! It will all work out 3
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cahubbard6421 wrote: »You're a failure alright.
Did I get your attention? Good. Kids crave structure and discipline. They will never admit it but they do. If you don't get this simple task under control, your kid will turn into a terrorist. Maybe not that sever but you get the idea.
Take the router and destroy it right in front of him next time he doesn't listen. Set limits and expectations and don't waver. Positive reinforcement doesn't work when your kid doesn't care about it. When all else fails, (it has already) spank him when he doesn't do what is expected. It won't take long for the little one to fall in line.
Before anyone says it, I spank my kids (14, 13, 7) when they deserve it. Haven't had to spank them for three years or so for the younger one and almost 8 for the older two. It works. That's why your parents spanked you and their parents spanked them.
Spanking only works to cause a child to, fear their parent which means the; parent's the terrorist! Also hitting's like teaching math by, literally throwing the math book at; the child! The child doesn't actually, then learn how; to understand & work through the, problems within that; book do they?1
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