I feel like a parenting failure
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snowflake954 wrote: »DeficitDuchess wrote: »I've been raising children most of my life, from having to learn how to change my own diapers/potty train myself as a toddler; to raising my siblings when I was 8 years old & then raising/babysitting other peoples children, until I was 29; I am 37 currently & unfortunately don't/won't have, any of; my own because of, premature menopause. However I've never had a problem with a child of various ages, that I couldn't resolve with; time outs, discussion, etc.
Children aren't objects & thus they aren't to, be controlled by; you but instead're to, be taught by you to; control themselves! If spanking worked then, everyone in jail would be those; that were never were. Since it's plausible to, successfully raise a child without hitting them then; it isn't ever necessary to! A parent's own, lack of; self discipline & inability to, teach isn't their; child's fault! Therefore it's the parent's responsibility to, take a parenting/anger management class themselves to learn how to discipline their child without; being violent! I believe that spanking teaches, to solve problems; with anger & violence; which then leads to being imprisoned; for assault, domestic violence, etc.
Also the worst of it isn't even, the act itself it's the escalation that's necessary to; achieve the same response/result desired. For instance when someone scraps their knee for; the 1st few times it'll hurt enough to; make them cry but after they, become accustomed to the pain it'll take; a sprain, a fracture, a break, etc. to, produce the; same effect. The same, goes with; spanking. A light tap'll have to, evolve into; a hard slap, etc., to continually produce the, same level of pain; to control the child. Plus some children don't have, the ability to; feel physical pain & others self harm to relieve pain so, clearly spanking wouldn't have the; same effect with these children!
Another issue that comes to, mind concerning spanking's the physical; ability to continue with it. So if a parent that spanks their child becomes disabled within, such a way that makes it impossible to continue that form of discipline then; how'll they discipline their child or if the parent that does the spanking has, to leave to go on a business trip for a week how'll the; child be disciplined that week? A timeout can be given without, having to; be physical or a discussion can be had without, having to be within the; same location that the child's!
Do you own animals? Because you just don't get it. Also, disciplining children is something that takes time and patience. What works for one child will not work for another. Your argument is full of holes. My sons always respected and obeyed their teachers--unlike alot of the other children in school. I also received many compliments on how well-behaved my vivacious (happy)boys were. Go figure.
YOUR son. Your son isn't my son. I suppose of course that is has everything to do with your stellar parenting and nothing to do at all about your son's temperament.
And yeah, I have a cat and two dogs, and the fact alone that you're comparing animals and kids just completely baffles me. My dogs don't get into stuff at night because I crate them. Are you suggesting that I crate my son?0 -
Here's what works for us (most of the time):
1. Lock up TV remotes in a wheelie bag. Keep key with you at all times. If he has a school issued computer, lock it up as well.
2. Use OurPact app to set time limits on tablets/phones and block remotely.
3. Change pass codes on your own devices regularly.
4. Invest in balls and games. My 3 kids (1x8, 2x11 years) played Once Upon a Time: The storytelling card game and Monopoly Empire for up to an hour at a time during the last school holidays.
5. Any homework on computer has to be done in my sight.
My son also loves minecraft and will sneak his school computer into his room to watch YouTube if I'm not careful. I hate it!
I feel for you! Good luck.1 -
DeficitDuchess wrote: »I've been raising children most of my life, from having to learn how to change my own diapers/potty train myself as a toddler; to raising my siblings when I was 8 years old & then raising/babysitting other peoples children, until I was 29; I am 37 currently & unfortunately don't/won't have, any of; my own because of, premature menopause. However I've never had a problem with a child of various ages, that I couldn't resolve with; time outs, discussion, etc.
Children aren't objects & thus they aren't to, be controlled by; you but instead're to, be taught by you to; control themselves! If spanking worked then, everyone in jail would be those; that were never were. Since it's plausible to, successfully raise a child without hitting them then; it isn't ever necessary to! A parent's own, lack of; self discipline & inability to, teach isn't their; child's fault! Therefore it's the parent's responsibility to, take a parenting/anger management class themselves to learn how to discipline their child without; being violent! I believe that spanking teaches, to solve problems; with anger & violence; which then leads to being imprisoned; for assault, domestic violence, etc.
Also the worst of it isn't even, the act itself it's the escalation that's necessary to; achieve the same response/result desired. For instance when someone scraps their knee for; the 1st few times it'll hurt enough to; make them cry but after they, become accustomed to the pain it'll take; a sprain, a fracture, a break, etc. to, produce the; same effect. The same, goes with; spanking. A light tap'll have to, evolve into; a hard slap, etc., to continually produce the, same level of pain; to control the child. Plus some children don't have, the ability to; feel physical pain & others self harm to relieve pain so, clearly spanking wouldn't have the; same effect with these children!
Another issue that comes to, mind concerning spanking's the physical; ability to continue with it. So if a parent that spanks their child becomes disabled within, such a way that makes it impossible to continue that form of discipline then; how'll they discipline their child or if the parent that does the spanking has, to leave to go on a business trip for a week how'll the; child be disciplined that week? A timeout can be given without, having to; be physical or a discussion can be had without, having to be within the; same location that the child's!
So difficult to read this with the inappropriate punctuation where it doesn't belong but there's a huge difference between spanking your misbehaving child and beating them. Spanking is not violent, beating is. Spanking is not done out of anger, beating is. I had to spank my daughter ONE time in her life - after she'd disobeyed me and ran across a busy street! I never ever had to spank her again and she's now 19 and very happy, well adjusted and living on her own with a job. My parents spanked my brother and I as children when we acted up but it wasn't a beating and we were never afraid of them. We RESPECTED them as our parents and therefore, behaved when we were warned that we'd face consequences if we didn't.3 -
cahubbard6421 wrote: »There may not be a direct correlation between spanning and prison but there is a direct correlation between no discipline and prison. Broken homes account for the majority of prisoners. The lack of a true discipline system around an individual is both damaging to their development and is the root cause for chaos.
The liberal side of this conversation views spanking as abuse because they view the act of spanking as violent. They assume that the lead up is chaotic and uncontrolled. The assume that all spanking turns into a violent rage that results in bruises and broken bones. The don't see the agony that goes into spanking your child.
The difference here is simple. I would never tell you not to spank your child. I will never assume you're a monster for not teaching your children that all actions have consequences. When you're a child, the consequences are small. As an adult, the consequences for violating the law of the land is jail or prison, being fired, or being labeled. The idea of spanking isn't to scare a child. My kids know that I love them more than life itself. They also know that I was beaten as a child. They also know that I would never hurt them. Huge difference between spanking and hurting for those of you that are going to take that angle. You do not spank a child to hurt them. You also cannot use spanking as the end all be all! I only spank for serious (read potentially dangerous) behavior issues.
My children do not fear me. They respect me enough to not act like a typical teenager. They don't go out to go party, they get great grades, they are active in sports, and they are going to be extremely responsible and productive adults.snowflake954 wrote: »DeficitDuchess wrote: »I've been raising children most of my life, from having to learn how to change my own diapers/potty train myself as a toddler; to raising my siblings when I was 8 years old & then raising/babysitting other peoples children, until I was 29; I am 37 currently & unfortunately don't/won't have, any of; my own because of, premature menopause. However I've never had a problem with a child of various ages, that I couldn't resolve with; time outs, discussion, etc.
Children aren't objects & thus they aren't to, be controlled by; you but instead're to, be taught by you to; control themselves! If spanking worked then, everyone in jail would be those; that were never were. Since it's plausible to, successfully raise a child without hitting them then; it isn't ever necessary to! A parent's own, lack of; self discipline & inability to, teach isn't their; child's fault! Therefore it's the parent's responsibility to, take a parenting/anger management class themselves to learn how to discipline their child without; being violent! I believe that spanking teaches, to solve problems; with anger & violence; which then leads to being imprisoned; for assault, domestic violence, etc.
Also the worst of it isn't even, the act itself it's the escalation that's necessary to; achieve the same response/result desired. For instance when someone scraps their knee for; the 1st few times it'll hurt enough to; make them cry but after they, become accustomed to the pain it'll take; a sprain, a fracture, a break, etc. to, produce the; same effect. The same, goes with; spanking. A light tap'll have to, evolve into; a hard slap, etc., to continually produce the, same level of pain; to control the child. Plus some children don't have, the ability to; feel physical pain & others self harm to relieve pain so, clearly spanking wouldn't have the; same effect with these children!
Another issue that comes to, mind concerning spanking's the physical; ability to continue with it. So if a parent that spanks their child becomes disabled within, such a way that makes it impossible to continue that form of discipline then; how'll they discipline their child or if the parent that does the spanking has, to leave to go on a business trip for a week how'll the; child be disciplined that week? A timeout can be given without, having to; be physical or a discussion can be had without, having to be within the; same location that the child's!
Do you own animals? Because you just don't get it. Also, disciplining children is something that takes time and patience. What works for one child will not work for another. Your argument is full of holes. My sons always respected and obeyed their teachers--unlike alot of the other children in school. I also received many compliments on how well-behaved my vivacious (happy)boys were. Go figure.
The point's that your children would've been, able to become the same good children that; they're now but also without hitting them at all especially, since there're children that've never; been hit & yet're as, good as; your children're! Being against being physical isn't being, against discipline it's being; against extremism & thus, you've proven my; point because you both're against, the extremism of not disciplining at all so it's a logical fallacy to then not be; against all extreme measures including spanking (regardless of, physical severity) as well! Therefore spanking & no discipline whatsoever're just, 2 different roads that often leads to; the same destination! Also everyone fears, physical pain & thus, fears what and/or whom, causes it!1 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »EbonyDahlia wrote: »DeficitDuchess wrote: »cahubbard6421 wrote: »You're a failure alright.
Did I get your attention? Good. Kids crave structure and discipline. They will never admit it but they do. If you don't get this simple task under control, your kid will turn into a terrorist. Maybe not that sever but you get the idea.
Take the router and destroy it right in front of him next time he doesn't listen. Set limits and expectations and don't waver. Positive reinforcement doesn't work when your kid doesn't care about it. When all else fails, (it has already) spank him when he doesn't do what is expected. It won't take long for the little one to fall in line.
Before anyone says it, I spank my kids (14, 13, 7) when they deserve it. Haven't had to spank them for three years or so for the younger one and almost 8 for the older two. It works. That's why your parents spanked you and their parents spanked them.
Spanking only works to cause a child to, fear their parent which means the; parent's the terrorist! Also hitting's like teaching math by, literally throwing the math book at; the child! The child doesn't actually, then learn how; to understand & work through the, problems within that; book do they?
Bullsh!t. I am a child of the "spanking era" and I have a lot more respect than kids/teenagers do now. There is NOTHING wrong with understanding at a young age there are serious consequences to certain behaviours. When you're a kid it's spanking, when you're an adult it's jail, or getting fired, or socially alienated.
One thing I've always noticed. People who have well behaved dogs usually have well behaved children. That's because the process is the same for both. Clear consistent boundaries, reinforcement, and respect. A smack on the *kitten* with a flip flop and a firm NO works for both. Taking a dog's ball away is not going to prevent it from jumping all over the furniture or your guests.
The training process is the same for both children and dogs, I agree; however, smacking a dog doesn't teach them anything but to fear you. This is a proven fact. I'm a former dog trainer. Positive reinforcement provides far better results than hitting. You can EXPLAIN to a child why you're spanking them - they understand. Dogs do not understand your words, only your anger and your actions. Whenever I see anyone smacking a dog for what they consider "misbehaving" I want to hit them upside the head and shout something to them in another language they don't understand and see how they feel about it!! Do you know why I hit you? NO, because I was not speaking your language so you have no idea what you did wrong!!!!
Agreed that hitting a dog is a terrible way to train. Our dogs are well-behaved, don't jump on people or furniture, and obey commands from all members of the family (including our kids), because we trained them with positive reinforcement and consistency, and made sure they know their place in the pack hierarchy. I suppose there may be some similarities to draw between the two, but children are not dogs. (Not that I'm advocating hitting either one.)1 -
yeah don't beat your kids folks. Discipline doesn't equal beating.3
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The Army used to "smoke" Solider's as a form of punishment when they would misbehave. A good smoking was an intense set of physically exercise where the Soldier was pushed to physical exhaustion, while being yelled at about their choices. This was highly effective in correcting behavioral issues.
This could be adapted to a home environment through a highly regimented and enforced schedule, increase in chores that the kid needs to complete, stopping allowance, and removing him from activities.
My daughters punishment is normally that her every day chores need to pass my inspection. Nothing passes until I think she has had enough, I can always find something wrong, even if that means taking off a heat vent to point out dust or removing light covers that have dust/bugs, etc.1 -
The Army used to "smoke" Solider's as a form of punishment when they would misbehave. A good smoking was an intense set of physically exercise where the Soldier was pushed to physical exhaustion, while being yelled at about their choices. This was highly effective in correcting behavioral issues.
This could be adapted to a home environment through a highly regimented and enforced schedule, increase in chores that the kid needs to complete, stopping allowance, and removing him from activities.
My daughters punishment is normally that her every day chores need to pass my inspection. Nothing passes until I think she has had enough, I can always find something wrong, even if that means taking off a heat vent to point out dust or removing light covers that have dust/bugs, etc.
And this is why my 19 yr old daughter hates her former military father. NOTHING she ever did was ever good enough for him. It's why she rebelled against him in her teens, came to CO to live with me and rarely speaks to her dad now...3 -
Has anyone tried just talking to them? explaining why XYZ is bad for their health/career/edumication.1
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MrStabbems wrote: »Has anyone tried just talking to them? explaining why XYZ is bad for their health/career/edumication.
Apparently ain't nobody got, time for; that!
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indigoblue9572 wrote: »The Army used to "smoke" Solider's as a form of punishment when they would misbehave. A good smoking was an intense set of physically exercise where the Soldier was pushed to physical exhaustion, while being yelled at about their choices. This was highly effective in correcting behavioral issues.
This could be adapted to a home environment through a highly regimented and enforced schedule, increase in chores that the kid needs to complete, stopping allowance, and removing him from activities.
My daughters punishment is normally that her every day chores need to pass my inspection. Nothing passes until I think she has had enough, I can always find something wrong, even if that means taking off a heat vent to point out dust or removing light covers that have dust/bugs, etc.
And this is why my 19 yr old daughter hates her former military father. NOTHING she ever did was ever good enough for him. It's why she rebelled against him in her teens, came to CO to live with me and rarely speaks to her dad now...
Really, she hates her dad for punishing her when she did something wrong? Either you didn't read what I actually wrote or you are raising a special little snowflake.3 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »The Army used to "smoke" Solider's as a form of punishment when they would misbehave. A good smoking was an intense set of physically exercise where the Soldier was pushed to physical exhaustion, while being yelled at about their choices. This was highly effective in correcting behavioral issues.
This could be adapted to a home environment through a highly regimented and enforced schedule, increase in chores that the kid needs to complete, stopping allowance, and removing him from activities.
My daughters punishment is normally that her every day chores need to pass my inspection. Nothing passes until I think she has had enough, I can always find something wrong, even if that means taking off a heat vent to point out dust or removing light covers that have dust/bugs, etc.
And this is why my 19 yr old daughter hates her former military father. NOTHING she ever did was ever good enough for him. It's why she rebelled against him in her teens, came to CO to live with me and rarely speaks to her dad now...
Really, she hates her dad for punishing her when she did something wrong? Either you didn't read what I actually wrote or you are raising a special little snowflake.
No, she doesn't hate her dad for punishing her. She hates him for being an *kitten*. She hates him for neglecting her and for finding fault in EVERY SINGLE THING she ever did. If she came home with a B in a class, he'd tell her she should've gotten an A. If she mowed the lawn, he'd say she should've also trimmed the hedges. He did the same *kitten* to me as well. One of the reasons I divorced him. NOTHING was ever good enough to "pass his inspection". He took it to the extreme and everything had to be his way or the highway. Pretty sad for a girl to grow up thinking her father could never praise her for any accomplishment she ever had. He didn't attend her graduation either...1 -
You don't need to hit to create discipline. Discipline is based on CONSISTENCY of consequence. I was raised with spanking. I didn't raise my daughter with it. She has better discipline than when I was a kid.
A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition
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Beat him down. Back in the day if I did that, my teeth would have been knocked out.0
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snowflake954 wrote: »DeficitDuchess wrote: »I've been raising children most of my life, from having to learn how to change my own diapers/potty train myself as a toddler; to raising my siblings when I was 8 years old & then raising/babysitting other peoples children, until I was 29; I am 37 currently & unfortunately don't/won't have, any of; my own because of, premature menopause. However I've never had a problem with a child of various ages, that I couldn't resolve with; time outs, discussion, etc.
Children aren't objects & thus they aren't to, be controlled by; you but instead're to, be taught by you to; control themselves! If spanking worked then, everyone in jail would be those; that were never were. Since it's plausible to, successfully raise a child without hitting them then; it isn't ever necessary to! A parent's own, lack of; self discipline & inability to, teach isn't their; child's fault! Therefore it's the parent's responsibility to, take a parenting/anger management class themselves to learn how to discipline their child without; being violent! I believe that spanking teaches, to solve problems; with anger & violence; which then leads to being imprisoned; for assault, domestic violence, etc.
Also the worst of it isn't even, the act itself it's the escalation that's necessary to; achieve the same response/result desired. For instance when someone scraps their knee for; the 1st few times it'll hurt enough to; make them cry but after they, become accustomed to the pain it'll take; a sprain, a fracture, a break, etc. to, produce the; same effect. The same, goes with; spanking. A light tap'll have to, evolve into; a hard slap, etc., to continually produce the, same level of pain; to control the child. Plus some children don't have, the ability to; feel physical pain & others self harm to relieve pain so, clearly spanking wouldn't have the; same effect with these children!
Another issue that comes to, mind concerning spanking's the physical; ability to continue with it. So if a parent that spanks their child becomes disabled within, such a way that makes it impossible to continue that form of discipline then; how'll they discipline their child or if the parent that does the spanking has, to leave to go on a business trip for a week how'll the; child be disciplined that week? A timeout can be given without, having to; be physical or a discussion can be had without, having to be within the; same location that the child's!
Do you own animals? Because you just don't get it. Also, disciplining children is something that takes time and patience. What works for one child will not work for another. Your argument is full of holes. My sons always respected and obeyed their teachers--unlike alot of the other children in school. I also received many compliments on how well-behaved my vivacious (happy)boys were. Go figure.
YOUR son. Your son isn't my son. I suppose of course that is has everything to do with your stellar parenting and nothing to do at all about your son's temperament.
And yeah, I have a cat and two dogs, and the fact alone that you're comparing animals and kids just completely baffles me. My dogs don't get into stuff at night because I crate them. Are you suggesting that I crate my son?
You're the OP. I have asked at least twice where your husband is on this problem. And maybe I'm suggesting that if your animals were well behaved that they wouldn't have to be crated at night. That astounds me.1 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »The Army used to "smoke" Solider's as a form of punishment when they would misbehave. A good smoking was an intense set of physically exercise where the Soldier was pushed to physical exhaustion, while being yelled at about their choices. This was highly effective in correcting behavioral issues.
This could be adapted to a home environment through a highly regimented and enforced schedule, increase in chores that the kid needs to complete, stopping allowance, and removing him from activities.
My daughters punishment is normally that her every day chores need to pass my inspection. Nothing passes until I think she has had enough, I can always find something wrong, even if that means taking off a heat vent to point out dust or removing light covers that have dust/bugs, etc.
And this is why my 19 yr old daughter hates her former military father. NOTHING she ever did was ever good enough for him. It's why she rebelled against him in her teens, came to CO to live with me and rarely speaks to her dad now...
Really, she hates her dad for punishing her when she did something wrong? Either you didn't read what I actually wrote or you are raising a special little snowflake.
No, she doesn't hate her dad for punishing her. She hates him for being an *kitten*. She hates him for neglecting her and for finding fault in EVERY SINGLE THING she ever did. If she came home with a B in a class, he'd tell her she should've gotten an A. If she mowed the lawn, he'd say she should've also trimmed the hedges. He did the same *kitten* to me as well. One of the reasons I divorced him. NOTHING was ever good enough to "pass his inspection". He took it to the extreme and everything had to be his way or the highway. Pretty sad for a girl to grow up thinking her father could never praise her for any accomplishment she ever had. He didn't attend her graduation either...
In which case, you did not read my post. I clearly stated that it should be used as a punishment, not a way of life.1 -
indigoblue9572 wrote: »indigoblue9572 wrote: »The Army used to "smoke" Solider's as a form of punishment when they would misbehave. A good smoking was an intense set of physically exercise where the Soldier was pushed to physical exhaustion, while being yelled at about their choices. This was highly effective in correcting behavioral issues.
This could be adapted to a home environment through a highly regimented and enforced schedule, increase in chores that the kid needs to complete, stopping allowance, and removing him from activities.
My daughters punishment is normally that her every day chores need to pass my inspection. Nothing passes until I think she has had enough, I can always find something wrong, even if that means taking off a heat vent to point out dust or removing light covers that have dust/bugs, etc.
And this is why my 19 yr old daughter hates her former military father. NOTHING she ever did was ever good enough for him. It's why she rebelled against him in her teens, came to CO to live with me and rarely speaks to her dad now...
Really, she hates her dad for punishing her when she did something wrong? Either you didn't read what I actually wrote or you are raising a special little snowflake.
No, she doesn't hate her dad for punishing her. She hates him for being an *kitten*. She hates him for neglecting her and for finding fault in EVERY SINGLE THING she ever did. If she came home with a B in a class, he'd tell her she should've gotten an A. If she mowed the lawn, he'd say she should've also trimmed the hedges. He did the same *kitten* to me as well. One of the reasons I divorced him. NOTHING was ever good enough to "pass his inspection". He took it to the extreme and everything had to be his way or the highway. Pretty sad for a girl to grow up thinking her father could never praise her for any accomplishment she ever had. He didn't attend her graduation either...
In which case, you did not read my post. I clearly stated that it should be used as a punishment, not a way of life.
I did read your post. I also stated my ex husband took things too far as well.0 -
Is your son being bullied ar school?0
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abitoftrouble wrote: »This thread really devolved. OP, I hope you find an answer that works for you and your family, regardless of what it looks like.
It is getting firestormy up in here...
Plug <--- pull it, OP.1 -
The Army used to "smoke" Solider's as a form of punishment when they would misbehave. A good smoking was an intense set of physically exercise where the Soldier was pushed to physical exhaustion, while being yelled at about their choices. This was highly effective in correcting behavioral issues.
This could be adapted to a home environment through a highly regimented and enforced schedule, increase in chores that the kid needs to complete, stopping allowance, and removing him from activities.
My daughters punishment is normally that her every day chores need to pass my inspection. Nothing passes until I think she has had enough, I can always find something wrong, even if that means taking off a heat vent to point out dust or removing light covers that have dust/bugs, etc.
Now that would have been true torture for me. I would have listened afterwards, but I would never have gotten over the hurt of the words. I have been kicked in the chest by a horse, had a black and blue mark the size of 2 softballs, got up and took care of the horse and walked home. Never phased me. Had two concussions, also walked home, no pain meds, never slowed down longer than I had to. But one angry word from someone I loved would leave me broken inside for weeks.3 -
Only you can find what truly works for your situation, OP. You have gotten some great ideas, and lots of criticism. Sounds like your hubby is a big part of the problem. Other than that, you just need to try to find ways to connect, and make the undesirable behavior really difficult. Make there be no point for him to get out of bed, because it will get him nothing. I sympatize with the whining on walks. We often walk and bike for transportation instead of driving, and some days its nothing but crying the whole way there. We still walk 2+ miles regularly. But he is used to walking long distances because I've done it with him since he was a baby.0
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abitoftrouble wrote: »This thread really devolved. OP, I hope you find an answer that works for you and your family, regardless of what it looks like.
^^ditto this.
Parenting has to be the most difficult job in the world now. Kids are always going to push the boundaries, but there are so many outside influences today, that kids have at their fingertips, and at such young ages.
OP, my heart goes out to you. You must be at your wits end over this.
I hope you resolve this issue with your son. I guess my only advice would be to get counseling for your son and family. I truly hope you can find some resolution.0 -
Sign him up for one sport. Let him know he has a choice, from things you can take him to (not 2 hours away or requiring to buy a horse for example) and that's it. Not as punishment, to promote a healthy lifestyle. He can complain every single time, he still will go, so it is in his best interest to pick an activity he prefers (or one where his friends go to). Make it clear that this is not negotiable. And follow through.
Int he evening, go for a walk, or a bike ride. It does not matter if he is whining. Take a ball with you, or a frisbee etc.
Schedule a board game evening and a family movie night, and an evening spent with friends. Do not ask him, there is no choice.
This. ^^^ I have not read every post but have tried to skim most of them. Parenting is hard work. And it IS work if you want to raise productive, well adjusted, hard working people.
1. Getting up in the middle of the night is definitely butt training. Period, end of story. Get up, get butt training. Consistency. A child not getting enough sleep (aside from all the other issues) is going to be difficult to reason/talk to and work with. From a health standpoint this is imperative.
2. Glue him to your hip. When he's out of school, he's glued to your hip. What you do, he does. If you go to the bathroom, he sits outside the door and waits for you. If you go shopping, he goes with you. The key to this working is you HAVE to be sweet spirited, kind, and act like you are enjoying spending the time with him no matter what his attitude is. It may take a week or two, but you'd be surprised at the change this can bring.
3. I second and third some sort of karate, tae kwan do, etc. Not only is it physical exercise but they also teach discipline (which he sorely needs and will need later in life). Not an option, he just does it.
4. Does he get or have any sort of money? If he gets an allowance, fine him. Every nasty attitude, unkind words, etc. costs a quarter. And he has to put it in the jar. If he refuses to put it in the jar, you verbally up it a nickle every few minutes until he's lost all he has. Then you just take it in front of him. Every lie, every act of disobedience, etc. has a fine assigned to it. If he doesn't have a source of income, but he has a piggy bank, then just lower the damage (b/c damage is damage even when there's only a little bit in the jar). Maybe it will be a nickle. Kids like money, and kids hate to lose money. He will also learn the value of money this way. By the same token, you can give him jobs (not regular household chores, but hard working jobs) to do that he can earn a little. When he's earned it, he isn't going to want to lose it to the stupid behavior jar.
5. You're the parent. He gets no say in anything until he proves to you he can make wise decisions. This has to be verbalized to him and he needs to be told he can earn your respect and earn the right to appeal to you when he has changed his behavior for a good long time. This usually takes a year or two before they are allowed to appeal.
Counseling isn't going to help him. They'll make you feel like you're the one in the wrong. He needs to work and he needs to work hard. The hauling wood in and out of the woodshed is a good idea. Take your kids (both of them) and YOU and go do something for someone elderly at their home. Mow, rake leaves, etc. Teach them to serve others.
The one common denominator in all of these things is YOU. Kids will do what their parents do with them. If you're working in the yard, he works in the yard. If you're out of stuff to do at home, create work by finding people who need things done and go do it with him. No friends. He doesn't need them telling him not to listen to you. He needs you setting an example while he's glued to your hip.
Kids need and desire structure and discipline. Left to themselves they will be destructive.
Proverbs 29:15 "The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame."
It is both discipline and training that bring wisdom. Discipline is for egregious behaviors. Training takes place aside from discipline. And hopefully it goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway), never discipline in anger. Even if you have to come back to it 2hrs later when you're calmer. It also sounds like you need to get your husband on board. Boys will tend to respond better to dads then mom sometimes.
Stand strong. You CAN do this. You just have to out stubborn him.
I even use to tell my kids this. I would tell them I'm more stubborn then they are and I was going to win so they may as well give in right then. It took a few times of me winning the stubborn contest ("you WILL do what I say"), but before long they quickly gave in because they knew I wouldn't give in. Verbally explaining what you're doing each time you do it is very effective training as well. 1 -
Change the internet password daily..if he can't log on..he can't You Tube.1
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Gimsteinn1 wrote: »Spanking a child = child abuse
Don't try to call it anything else just cause you did it. Own up to your mistake so you can end the wrong doing.
Be thankful your kids turned out OK.
And again read bloody studies on the matter.
^^This, striking another human being is not the answer and it is not ok.
Seriously people? You turned out ok. Your kids turned out ok. That makes it right?
NOPE. NEVER. Striking some one is abuse.
You are an adult, so act like one.
Spanking is bad advice to give to a parent disciplining a 9 year old.2 -
Gimsteinn1 wrote: »Spanking a child = child abuse
Don't try to call it anything else just cause you did it. Own up to your mistake so you can end the wrong doing.
Be thankful your kids turned out OK.
And again read bloody studies on the matter.
Don't have to read the studies--I've got 30 yrs of experience in the field. I've been observing children and parenting behavior all that time--much better than an old study.
I live in Italy where people don't discipline their kids at all. Ever spend 2 months on the beach with Italian families? They adore children, but their kids are throwing sand, splashing water, and kicking soccer balls into you while you're reading the newspaper or a book on the beach. All these things are against the rules. Typically the mother is lying there in the sun getting a tan and ignoring her children. Nobody ever lays a hand on their little darlings--you just talk to them--nicely. Exactly what you're saying. It's too much work to discipline, and people just don't know how.
I told my sons at the dinner table about this thread. Since they're of the internet games age and I'm not, I wanted their take on it. They were howling with laughter. I said "what would you advise this mother to do?" They wiped their eyes and said "Simple Mom, have the lady send her kid over here to you, and just send him back after you've got him straightened out". Yup--I'm so thankfull that my kids are OK.3 -
snowflake954 wrote: »Gimsteinn1 wrote: »Spanking a child = child abuse
Don't try to call it anything else just cause you did it. Own up to your mistake so you can end the wrong doing.
Be thankful your kids turned out OK.
And again read bloody studies on the matter.
Don't have to read the studies--I've got 30 yrs of experience in the field. I've been observing children and parenting behavior all that time--much better than an old study.
I live in Italy where people don't discipline their kids at all. Ever spend 2 months on the beach with Italian families? They adore children, but their kids are throwing sand, splashing water, and kicking soccer balls into you while you're reading the newspaper or a book on the beach. All these things are against the rules. Typically the mother is lying there in the sun getting a tan and ignoring her children. Nobody ever lays a hand on their little darlings--you just talk to them--nicely. Exactly what you're saying. It's too much work to discipline, and people just don't know how.
I told my sons at the dinner table about this thread. Since they're of the internet games age and I'm not, I wanted their take on it. They were howling with laughter. I said "what would you advise this mother to do?" They wiped their eyes and said "Simple Mom, have the lady send her kid over here to you, and just send him back after you've got him straightened out". Yup--I'm so thankfull that my kids are OK.
Consider this: a kid is misbehaving in class. he doesn't focus, doesn't engage in work and only wants to do "fun" things. Gets home and doesn't concentrate on his homework and doenst want to do it.
How much 'straightening out' is needed? how much discipline do you apply?2 -
snowflake954 wrote: »Gimsteinn1 wrote: »Spanking a child = child abuse
Don't try to call it anything else just cause you did it. Own up to your mistake so you can end the wrong doing.
Be thankful your kids turned out OK.
And again read bloody studies on the matter.
Don't have to read the studies--I've got 30 yrs of experience in the field. I've been observing children and parenting behavior all that time--much better than an old study.
I live in Italy where people don't discipline their kids at all. Ever spend 2 months on the beach with Italian families? They adore children, but their kids are throwing sand, splashing water, and kicking soccer balls into you while you're reading the newspaper or a book on the beach. All these things are against the rules. Typically the mother is lying there in the sun getting a tan and ignoring her children. Nobody ever lays a hand on their little darlings--you just talk to them--nicely. Exactly what you're saying. It's too much work to discipline, and people just don't know how.
I told my sons at the dinner table about this thread. Since they're of the internet games age and I'm not, I wanted their take on it. They were howling with laughter. I said "what would you advise this mother to do?" They wiped their eyes and said "Simple Mom, have the lady send her kid over here to you, and just send him back after you've got him straightened out". Yup--I'm so thankfull that my kids are OK.
Kids being kids at the beach. Playing in the sand and water and kicking a ball around and it is against the rules? What do you expect them to be doing at the beach?
And it is not true that this mother is not trying to discipline her son, she is.
1 -
Time to put passwords on everything that he doesn't know, and set up parental restrictions and/or shut the Internet off at night. Cell devices should be easy just make them require a password that you have to type in for him when he wants on them. As far as youtube goes it's all Internet so it shouldn't be that hard to shut off the Internet. My grand daughter is also addicted to youtube shows. She, thankfully, will listen when we tell her she's been on the tablet too much but I know her parents have had to lock her devices with a new password at times to ground her from them for being on them after she was told not to. It's a new generation folks, kids have the Internet at their disposal and it's full of content, most of which they shouldn't be seeing anyway. Parental controls are important, even manual ones. Doesn't make you a failure though, it makes you a caring parent. Passwords can do a lot to prevent some of this stuff. As far as TV's go they make devices that lock out the power plugs. Try searching on Amazon. They are simply a block you plug the power cord into and it locks like a padlock so it can't be plugged back in. Do that at night and he won't be able to sneak in and watch TV.1
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MrStabbems wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »Gimsteinn1 wrote: »Spanking a child = child abuse
Don't try to call it anything else just cause you did it. Own up to your mistake so you can end the wrong doing.
Be thankful your kids turned out OK.
And again read bloody studies on the matter.
Don't have to read the studies--I've got 30 yrs of experience in the field. I've been observing children and parenting behavior all that time--much better than an old study.
I live in Italy where people don't discipline their kids at all. Ever spend 2 months on the beach with Italian families? They adore children, but their kids are throwing sand, splashing water, and kicking soccer balls into you while you're reading the newspaper or a book on the beach. All these things are against the rules. Typically the mother is lying there in the sun getting a tan and ignoring her children. Nobody ever lays a hand on their little darlings--you just talk to them--nicely. Exactly what you're saying. It's too much work to discipline, and people just don't know how.
I told my sons at the dinner table about this thread. Since they're of the internet games age and I'm not, I wanted their take on it. They were howling with laughter. I said "what would you advise this mother to do?" They wiped their eyes and said "Simple Mom, have the lady send her kid over here to you, and just send him back after you've got him straightened out". Yup--I'm so thankfull that my kids are OK.
Consider this: a kid is misbehaving in class. he doesn't focus, doesn't engage in work and only wants to do "fun" things. Gets home and doesn't concentrate on his homework and doenst want to do it.
How much 'straightening out' is needed? how much discipline do you apply?
First question--How old is he or she?
Second--Did this problem show up out of the blue, or has it been going on for awhile?
Third--If this problem is just showing up, what has changed in his or her life at home or at school?
If at school--new teacher, heavier work load, problems with the other kids--time to talk to the school
If at home--what's going on there? Change things up, talk to him or her, and work it out. There is always
a solution to every problem.
Discipline or structuring a childs life to give them security, can take many forms. 2 of my boys are dyslexic and I had to work through a lot of problems, especially heavy homework loads. I never gave up on them and they know that. One finished law school and is studying to be a magistrate, the younger one is still in law school--it'll be another year or so, dyslexics are slower and need their time.0
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