I feel like a parenting failure
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Gimsteinn1 is very wise.
I have 4 kids, 36, 34, 31 and 27, all played video games. All of them now have Master's degrees and 3 of them work in the computer field. One is a teacher who builds game consoles as a hobby. Did they try to play video games or watch tv at homework time? You bet your sweet A. I basically "sat" on them, they did homework at the table and I sat there with them. It was boring but bonding.
I think the situation has gone out of control, it's time to bring it back. You said it's been going on for months. Do you want to live in a war zone?
Stop with the punishments, they aren't working and it's just making him sneakier. Find a compromise that YOU can live with. Sit him down and say "This is how it's going to be..." and lay it out, however you decide to settle it and it is not up for negotiation. I think all this talk about smashing routers, hiding chords and spanking isn't going to help you establish control.
You need to work on your "Mom" look, the one that has kids cringing, not because they are scared of you but because they know you are really angry. There should be a password on your phones and any computer your kids have access to, and change it frequently. If they really get you, they get no access. But keep any punishment to a level YOU can live with, having the kid sit in the car for an hour while his sister plays means you are going to sit in the car for an hour (boring)2 -
JeromeBarry1 wrote: »My Minecraft kid is 20, has not graduated high school, and works at an Arby's asking, "Do you want waffle fries with that?"
Is that what your son wants?
... Arby's has actually pretty good waffle fries.
seriously tho', it could be a lot worse. Maybe he's just taking his time and needing to learn the hard way.
We have two kids. One is trying to figure life out on her own (trial and error); the other is playing it by the book and seems to be doing everything right (whatever 'right ' is)
Hang in there.0 -
deputy_randolph wrote: »You can't lock your kid in his room at night (that is illegal in my state), but you can lock up all devices.
Positive reinforcement does work better. My kid is almost 9...some behavioral issues at school. I tried the "taking things way" approach. Didn't help. I made a chart and recorded all of the points he earned at school during the week. Based on how many points for positive behavior, he could earn tv time, computer time, etc. He can gets points deducted if he acts poorly at home. His behavior has improved. I would take the devices away and lock up at night...and try to see if he would be receptive to earning points to trade in for time on devices.
I love the points system! My mum used this for me and my brother. Points were given for good behavior and taken away for bad behavior and our pocket money every week was based on our points. If we wanted to save for anything, it was up to us how quick we got it.
Give it a try, see how you get on maybe?
He never cared for a point system. We have one on the fridge and he doesn't care about a possible reward he might get in a week.What other interests does he have? What other activities? I would start by making sure he gets plenty of other things to do, like trying different sports, lots of playdates etc.
He doesn't care about anything.. has no interest in anything else. He gets to spend time with friends every Sunday but he's still downstairs watching TV on Monday at 4am.
This is the parenting "failure" right there: he does not get a choice. Enroll him in soccer, swimming lessons, basketball, go out for a walk every evening, play board games together. Switch off electronics, you too.
He is 9. You cannot take things away and expect him to just find something new to do. Especially when his own dad introduced him to minecraft. You need to show him something else to do instead, and work on this as a family.
It costs money. I really can't afford to blow $300 on something he will not be interested in though.You aren't a failure! My daughter used to be the same way; not with TV but with other things. We tried everything you are doing too and none of it worked. She's 17 now so we survived and you will too.
One thing we have learned is don't take away extracurricular activities! You could try to sit down with him and have a conversation, a "free zone" conversation where anything he says he won't get in extra trouble for. (through counseling) We have learned to ask our kids, we have 2 boys too, if they understand what they are doing is wrong. Ask why they feel the need to do whatever it is. Ask if there's something else they'd rather be doing. Make sure they understand why staying up late, too much screen time, etc. is bad. Have them re-explain it to us so we know they understand. Agree to rules; if they are a part of making the rules, they are more likely to follow them...according to the counselor...and it seems to work. Also, ask them what they think a fair punishment would be if they are caught doing whatever it is wrong again. That doesn't have to be the final punishment but compromise.
I know I have always though 9 and 10 were too young to be making those kinds of choices but since we were at the end of our rope, we did what the counselor suggested. It worked for awhile. Then she'd get back to doing whatever and then we'd have the whole discussion all over again. She seemed to get a lot better when she knew she could discuss things with us without getting yelled at or grounded extra during the "free zone" talks. She also followed the rules she made.
Make sure to print out the rules and have you, your husband, and son (and daughter maybe too for her rules) sign it so it's like a contract.
Also reading parenting books helps. lol. It will give you peace of mind mostly but some of the tricks do help. I'd suggest Dare to Discipline by Dr. Dobson. Any of his books really. He doesn't speak dr speak in his books. They are straightforward.
If all else fails, take him to a counselor AND do family counseling. Yes, it becomes a lot of appointments but it really, really helps. Good luck! You will all get past this and come out on the other end ok.
**Hugs from a mom who's been there too.
I'm doing counseling for my daughter already. I'll ask her for a referral for him too. Sigh...
She also keeps offering suggestions that really don't work for us though! Rewards, but again, my daughter doesn't care about anything either, except spending time with her friends, and it's not something I have any control on (it's actually been extremely frustrating for both of us).
It's rough when you have kids that are not interested in anything!
What are your interests? your priorities in life?
Kids learn from their parents, especially at this age. Have you spent the last year these 300$ you cannot afford for e.g. soccer in buying a new phone, paying for subscription tv? Are you and your husband into sports, hiking, bike rides, painting, playing music? Do not expect from kids to do things you are not doing. If your downtime or your husbands free time are spent in front of a screen, this is what the kids will do.
Even if you truly have no money, so no cable tv and a 5 year old cheap cell phone, then going for a daily long walk, walking the dog you mentioned, or just playing with your kid a board game, these would all be a great start.
We don't watch TV at all except after the kids are in bed. We don't like sports at all, but we always offer to go out for walks, go to the park or something... he doesn't want anything with it. If he ends up coming, he complains the whole time (she's worse than him about that actually).
I don't mind signing him up for things, I've just wasted a bunch of money on things he kept complaining about having to go to already and really don't have money to throw away that way (who does?). I can NEVER find something to do on week ends that they want to do either, so frankly I've pretty much given up at this point.
As I said.. my kids don't want to do anything except hanging out with friends and watching TV.
We ditched the television, that's right... no TV.
Sorry kids, read a book, walk the dog, do some push-ups.2 -
You remind me of my oldest sister and my nephew. Don't be hard on yourself. All the best.0
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Get rid of the internet. The person I work for does not have the internet. Never has. His three kids are all honor students in very good colleges. It can be done. People lived very healthy productive lives pre-facebook and Youtube. Just like bad foods. If they are not in the house then you cant eat them. Same with the internet. You cant be with him 24/7 - but at least at night you will know he cant get to them.
Honestly though, that one is on me, but I'm a SAHM. I'm pretty active but I would probably completely lose my mind without Internet and/or TV (and my (not 5yo but 3yo because they replaced my broken 4yo phone with that one) phone doesn't have unlimited data either so I can't completely rely on that). Plus all my recipes are online... and I got to feed my family.
We'll try to figure out how to cut off the wifi from 11pm to 6am though.
Kids learn by example. Do not expect from your child to do as you say. If he sees you spending most of the day offline (e.g. turn the internet on only for limited hours in the morning), if he does not see you watching TV, if he sees you going to the gym, participating in athletic events, if you join the local pool together, if you go for bike rides and daily walks, this is what he will learn. If you and his dad spend hours with a phone glued on your hands or the TV in the background, you can talk to him about finding other interests until you turn blue, but he will have no clue what you are talking about. Lead by example. Your child is 9 years old. He copies you. He cannot do things you really do not want him to do. You control his lifestyle, there is very little he can or cannot do if you really mean it.3 -
Oh, I have 3 kids and have heard it all from "but my friends can play/surf the internet for 8 hours per day" (and they are not lying), to "I hate sports" and "I am not going for a walk, who does that?". I do not care. They throw tantrums , and then they try new things, and eventually figure out something they like, or something their best friend does or make new friends and the previously boring activity becomes interesting, or they see some progress in a specific sport and get proud. It takes some initial effort and commitment from the parents part. But the kids do not run the show!2
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TavistockToad wrote: »Trying to reply in order...
I'm a SAHM, as I've mentioned. I'm awake in average 2 hours every morning before my kids... I have my coffee and browse the web/read the forums. Then I make them lunch and get them ready for school.
Then I'm alone all day. I have lunch at my computer after the gym, other than that I do chores, cooking, groceries, go for walks etc. Then I pick them up from school. If they play after school, that's home at 4.15pm. I help with homework, make dinner. After dinner I usually try to go for a walk (and try to get them out with me) or just do things in the house until bedtime.
They really don't see me at the computer that much (plus now with the puppy I'm outside with her every 30 minutes or something). On week ends, if we're not doing something, I'm usually out running errands, at the gym, or going for a walk. I go nuts if I sit more than an hour or so, so there's really not that much sitting around. I used to play video games all day, sure, but I've changed a lot in the last 4 years (they actually bore me now).
Also I have absolutely no problem with my kids playing games or being on their tablet actually. It becomes a problem when they complain when you ask them to put them down, when they get on them instead of doing what we ask them to do (homework, going in the shower) - that's when they lose them. That's how the whole thing started really... he got punished because he sneaked upstairs to watch tv instead of doing his homework, then started sneaking to do it even though he was grounded for a week (at the time).
About 'the talk', I've done it a few times, but yep, another one is in order.Gimsteinn1 wrote: »So let me get this straight, your kid is showing interest in video games and how to work those and you're punishing him and now he feels like he has to hide it from you in order to get what he wants and likes?
Sit down, open minecraft and play with the kid. He seems to love this *kitten* so why are you so against it?
Video games are a great way to learn. Trust me I know. I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old who's fluent in 2 languages cause of video games and youtube. They both look up videos to watch them and learn how to do stuff in the games they play.
Everyday my children have to do a few things before they get to play with their Xbox or the Ipads.
The 6 YO needs to finish her homework, wash one load of laundry and tidy up her room
The 4 YO needs to take out the trash and tidy his room.
And they both have to go to bed on time and eat healthy food if they wan't to keep their Xbox and Ipads or they don't get to play the day after. Works like a charm.
When that's done they can do what they want. If they wanna go out to play they go out, if they wanna be on the computer then they can do that.
I'd much rather they play video games where they have to interact and use their mind to do stuff and solve puzzles rather then sneak around stealing my phone to watch youtube.
And by the way... I live with a video game designer who makes good money making this *kitten*. If your kids are showing that much interest in games, sign them up for a programming course and encourage their interest. This could end up being their career.
This is actually exactly the way we did things before it escalated out of hand, lol. My daughter's counselor was saying to let her have 15 more minutes of tablet as reward or whatnot... but we never even restricted it in the first place, as long as they were respectful and did what they were supposed to do first.
So yeah, I want to follow through (I told him, no tv for a week, and if he stops he can watch it again in a week, but he just doesn't stop), and I am, it just doesn't do a thing, which is what's driving me nuts.
You try to get them to go for a walk? At 9 years old, they don't have a choice.
Yeah, sure. But I gave up trying after a while because all the crying and whining was just not making it fun for anyone (my daughter is the worst though)... and it was just much more enjoyable for me to go alone. Heck we tried hiking. For months. All the wailing and complaining and crying didn't stop one bit after those months. At some point it's just completely ruining family time and you end up resenting each other and believe me, it's not doing your family any good either.
But otherwise, when I want to go somewhere, we're going, whether he wants to or not. I just don't see the point of making everyone miserable just to prove a point though... when I am alone all day to do the boring stuff (and we have other things to do at night, like homework and getting showers).
Obviously during Summer break I have to drag them everywhere though, but it's definitely not fun for anyone (not looking forward to that).
Sorry to hear that, it must be tough.
So what do you do for family time?1 -
As annoying it would be for you to not get to watch a tv show each night, I would just put all the TVs away and make sure there is no internet access at night (router). I think the fact that your son is sneaking around at 4:30 AM and doesn't care at all about consequences is a singnal things are out of control and completely need to be changed. Both you and your husband need to get on board with it too. One parent can't be on their phone while the kids are around or it won't work. Become a TV-free family until the kids are older and their frontal cortex a little more developed. Read a book at night for a while or do something else with your husband, like a board game, or just talk, or swap back rubs. Read Lord of the Rings or some other long novel to your kids maybe, something they will get into and want to hear every night. I would give your son his toys back so that he actually has something to play with instead of wanting to watch videos/TV. He needs to re-lean how to be imaginative again, kids have this ability but too much TV or screen time makes the brain lazy and kids forget how to play pretend. Let them hang out with friends on weekends with no TV or video games, and you don't have to find something for them to do, they need to learn to entertain themselves sometimes. Eventually, the kids will figure out something to do and having friends to figure that out with is more fun sometimes than doing it alone. I don't think you are a terrible parent but maybe some of the choices about allowing so much screen time didn't work for your kids (some kids can handle it some can't). Don't try to find reasons why not to try something new, just find something new, because what is going on now isn't working for you.0
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Again--where is your husband in all this? You are not the only parent.2
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Gimsteinn1 wrote: »So let me get this straight, your kid is showing interest in video games and how to work those and you're punishing him and now he feels like he has to hide it from you in order to get what he wants and likes?
Sit down, open minecraft and play with the kid. He seems to love this *kitten* so why are you so against it?
Video games are a great way to learn. Trust me I know. I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old who's fluent in 2 languages cause of video games and youtube. They both look up videos to watch them and learn how to do stuff in the games they play.
Everyday my children have to do a few things before they get to play with their Xbox or the Ipads.
The 6 YO needs to finish her homework, wash one load of laundry and tidy up her room
The 4 YO needs to take out the trash and tidy his room.
And they both have to go to bed on time and eat healthy food if they wan't to keep their Xbox and Ipads or they don't get to play the day after. Works like a charm.
When that's done they can do what they want. If they wanna go out to play they go out, if they wanna be on the computer then they can do that.
I'd much rather they play video games where they have to interact and use their mind to do stuff and solve puzzles rather then sneak around stealing my phone to watch youtube.
And by the way... I live with a video game designer who makes good money making this *kitten*. If your kids are showing that much interest in games, sign them up for a programming course and encourage their interest. This could end up being their career.
Brilliant post!
We did much of the same raising our three and they are doing wonderfully. There have been ups and downs, but we allow them to fail, but use these failures as teachable moments to come back from. My son was close to failing this year and now proud of his near straight A's. We established limits, provided guidance, and have them all contributing to the household as they can. This gives kids the responsibility and pride that comes with it. Video games can be a great teaching tool if used correctly - many require extremely complex team building and problem solving abilities.
I have spanked when appropriate, but our go to is pushup position - begin! My 6 year old daughter can bang out 20 solid pushups. I use this as my corrective behavior - by the time they finish a set they usually forget about whatever they were upset about and the attitude is corrected.
To the OP - this sounds like a classic case of do what I say, not what I do. What shared activities do you have? You and your husband need to redefine your roles as parents - the leaders in the household.0 -
Get rid of the internet. The person I work for does not have the internet. Never has. His three kids are all honor students in very good colleges. It can be done. People lived very healthy productive lives pre-facebook and Youtube. Just like bad foods. If they are not in the house then you cant eat them. Same with the internet. You cant be with him 24/7 - but at least at night you will know he cant get to them.
Honestly though, that one is on me, but I'm a SAHM. I'm pretty active but I would probably completely lose my mind without Internet and/or TV (and my (not 5yo but 3yo because they replaced my broken 4yo phone with that one) phone doesn't have unlimited data either so I can't completely rely on that). Plus all my recipes are online... and I got to feed my family.
We'll try to figure out how to cut off the wifi from 11pm to 6am though.
Kids learn by example. Do not expect from your child to do as you say. If he sees you spending most of the day offline (e.g. turn the internet on only for limited hours in the morning), if he does not see you watching TV, if he sees you going to the gym, participating in athletic events, if you join the local pool together, if you go for bike rides and daily walks, this is what he will learn. If you and his dad spend hours with a phone glued on your hands or the TV in the background, you can talk to him about finding other interests until you turn blue, but he will have no clue what you are talking about. Lead by example. Your child is 9 years old. He copies you. He cannot do things you really do not want him to do. You control his lifestyle, there is very little he can or cannot do if you really mean it.
.. you didn't read the thread, did you?
Anyway, my husband is another matter. He's made some things more difficult, but he's starting to get really pissed off so more willing to stick to it I guess.
Again though - the problem isn't the tv/tablet. It's the lying and sneaking to do things he's forbidden to do. Not sure why it isn't clear.0 -
"Again though - the problem isn't the tv/tablet. It's the lying and sneaking to do things he's forbidden to do. Not sure why it isn't clear."
Yes this is the problem, not the screens! Unfortunately mama, repeatedly defying your rules is the battle that you must win right away. Charge that hill, stand your ground and do whatever you have to do to win this one. You can do it!
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Gimsteinn1 wrote: »So let me get this straight, your kid is showing interest in video games and how to work those and you're punishing him and now he feels like he has to hide it from you in order to get what he wants and likes?
Sit down, open minecraft and play with the kid. He seems to love this *kitten* so why are you so against it?
Video games are a great way to learn. Trust me I know. I have a 6 year old and a 4 year old who's fluent in 2 languages cause of video games and youtube. They both look up videos to watch them and learn how to do stuff in the games they play.
Everyday my children have to do a few things before they get to play with their Xbox or the Ipads.
The 6 YO needs to finish her homework, wash one load of laundry and tidy up her room
The 4 YO needs to take out the trash and tidy his room.
And they both have to go to bed on time and eat healthy food if they wan't to keep their Xbox and Ipads or they don't get to play the day after. Works like a charm.
When that's done they can do what they want. If they wanna go out to play they go out, if they wanna be on the computer then they can do that.
I'd much rather they play video games where they have to interact and use their mind to do stuff and solve puzzles rather then sneak around stealing my phone to watch youtube.
And by the way... I live with a video game designer who makes good money making this *kitten*. If your kids are showing that much interest in games, sign them up for a programming course and encourage their interest. This could end up being their career.
I have spanked when appropriate, but our go to is pushup position - begin! My 6 year old daughter can bang out 20 solid pushups. I use this as my corrective behavior - by the time they finish a set they usually forget about whatever they were upset about and the attitude is corrected.
I find this concerning.2 -
When my daughter started to act up (and she's a pretty good kid), I asked her "what am I doing wrong as a parent?" Throwing it all on me instead of her let her open up to all her frustrations or reasons why she was acting the way she was. Came to find out that she felt that because I was so busy doing stuff in the house, I neglected acknowledging her many times. So now when she actually has something to tell me, I stopped blowing it off. I actually became interested in what she was telling/showing me. After that, it was no longer an issue.
Finding out the root problem is the hardest, but the person best to tell you is obviously them. I believe by asking them what you're doing wrong, it will give you the information you need to help.
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change the wifi password on them. I bet they will act right to get that back. at least my Teen did.0
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Didn't read all the responses.
I would stop taking things away that interest him. Set a particular time he can use the tv/internet each day. If he wants to earn more time he can do chores, get better grades or something productive.
Get in the habit of locking down the internet/devices when you go to bed.0 -
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I would absolutely take the cords off the TV's/Computers/Routers when you go to bed. Even if my husband wanted to stay up after I went to bed, I'd still do it. And I'd continue it, until he stops trying to sneak around. Make sure he has time to play during the day.
Sorry you're dealing with this. It sounds like a really tough situation to be in.0 -
^its only legal when you put locks on it...
but turn the doors towards the wall now.....
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