I feel like a parenting failure

Do you like camping? I know there are still two months (give or take) until school ends but I would consider taking them camping this summer. Somewhere free (or mostly free) of light pollution. It might be quite a drive, depending on where you live, but breaking his routine for 7-10 days and spending all that time together could have an impact that would last longer than the actual trip. Resetting his internal clock, for one! My own son would probably be dumbfounded by a clear view of the Milky Way.

EbonyDahlia wrote: »

DeficitDuchess wrote: »

cahubbard6421 wrote: »

You're a failure alright.

Did I get your attention? Good. Kids crave structure and discipline. They will never admit it but they do. If you don't get this simple task under control, your kid will turn into a terrorist. Maybe not that sever but you get the idea.

Take the router and destroy it right in front of him next time he doesn't listen. Set limits and expectations and don't waver. Positive reinforcement doesn't work when your kid doesn't care about it. When all else fails, (it has already) spank him when he doesn't do what is expected. It won't take long for the little one to fall in line.

Before anyone says it, I spank my kids (14, 13, 7) when they deserve it. Haven't had to spank them for three years or so for the younger one and almost 8 for the older two. It works. That's why your parents spanked you and their parents spanked them.

Spanking only works to cause a child to, fear their parent which means the; parent's the terrorist! Also hitting's like teaching math by, literally throwing the math book at; the child! The child doesn't actually, then learn how; to understand & work through the, problems within that; book do they?

Bullsh!t. I am a child of the "spanking era" and I have a lot more respect than kids/teenagers do now. There is NOTHING wrong with understanding at a young age there are serious consequences to certain behaviours. When you're a kid it's spanking, when you're an adult it's jail, or getting fired, or socially alienated.

One thing I've always noticed. People who have well behaved dogs usually have well behaved children. That's because the process is the same for both. Clear consistent boundaries, reinforcement, and respect. A smack on the *kitten* with a flip flop and a firm NO works for both. Taking a dog's ball away is not going to prevent it from jumping all over the furniture or your guests.

Fantastic insight. Super true.

Francl27 wrote: »

aggelikik wrote: »

Francl27 wrote: »

jmp463 wrote: »

Get rid of the internet. The person I work for does not have the internet. Never has. His three kids are all honor students in very good colleges. It can be done. People lived very healthy productive lives pre-facebook and Youtube. Just like bad foods. If they are not in the house then you cant eat them. Same with the internet. You cant be with him 24/7 - but at least at night you will know he cant get to them.

Honestly though, that one is on me, but I'm a SAHM. I'm pretty active but I would probably completely lose my mind without Internet and/or TV (and my (not 5yo but 3yo because they replaced my broken 4yo phone with that one) phone doesn't have unlimited data either so I can't completely rely on that). Plus all my recipes are online... and I got to feed my family.

We'll try to figure out how to cut off the wifi from 11pm to 6am though.

Kids learn by example. Do not expect from your child to do as you say. If he sees you spending most of the day offline (e.g. turn the internet on only for limited hours in the morning), if he does not see you watching TV, if he sees you going to the gym, participating in athletic events, if you join the local pool together, if you go for bike rides and daily walks, this is what he will learn. If you and his dad spend hours with a phone glued on your hands or the TV in the background, you can talk to him about finding other interests until you turn blue, but he will have no clue what you are talking about. Lead by example. Your child is 9 years old. He copies you. He cannot do things you really do not want him to do. You control his lifestyle, there is very little he can or cannot do if you really mean it.

.. you didn't read the thread, did you?

Anyway, my husband is another matter. He's made some things more difficult, but he's starting to get really pissed off so more willing to stick to it I guess.

Again though - the problem isn't the tv/tablet. It's the lying and sneaking to do things he's forbidden to do. Not sure why it isn't clear.

Because saying to a child "do not do this" does not work. You need to figure out why he is doing this (addiction - which I doubt at this age, to get your attention - more likely), and show him what to do instead.
And I did read the thread. I am still waiting for you to say what you do with the kids, what shared activities you have on a daily basis. "Do not play minecraft", "I will take your toys" and "go read a book" are not activities.
I really believe that a child who spends an hour per day after school playing outdoors, who alternates early evenings between a team sport, a music lesson, an arts class etc, who goes for regular walks or bike rides with his parents, who spends time with assigned chores (such as, training the puppy, washing the dishes, folding laundry etc), who listens to bedtime stories (my 10 year old who obviously can read still loves this because it is bonding time) does not get into the middle of the night up to get attention.
I really think you need to change your lifestyle as a family, because you are dealing of a symptom, not the problem itself. And I mean change things now, not after summer break, not next year.

EbonyDahlia wrote: »

DeficitDuchess wrote: »

cahubbard6421 wrote: »

You're a failure alright.

Did I get your attention? Good. Kids crave structure and discipline. They will never admit it but they do. If you don't get this simple task under control, your kid will turn into a terrorist. Maybe not that sever but you get the idea.

Take the router and destroy it right in front of him next time he doesn't listen. Set limits and expectations and don't waver. Positive reinforcement doesn't work when your kid doesn't care about it. When all else fails, (it has already) spank him when he doesn't do what is expected. It won't take long for the little one to fall in line.

Before anyone says it, I spank my kids (14, 13, 7) when they deserve it. Haven't had to spank them for three years or so for the younger one and almost 8 for the older two. It works. That's why your parents spanked you and their parents spanked them.

Spanking only works to cause a child to, fear their parent which means the; parent's the terrorist! Also hitting's like teaching math by, literally throwing the math book at; the child! The child doesn't actually, then learn how; to understand & work through the, problems within that; book do they?

Bullsh!t. I am a child of the "spanking era" and I have a lot more respect than kids/teenagers do now. There is NOTHING wrong with understanding at a young age there are serious consequences to certain behaviours. When you're a kid it's spanking, when you're an adult it's jail, or getting fired, or socially alienated.

One thing I've always noticed. People who have well behaved dogs usually have well behaved children. That's because the process is the same for both. Clear consistent boundaries, reinforcement, and respect. A smack on the *kitten* with a flip flop and a firm NO works for both. Taking a dog's ball away is not going to prevent it from jumping all over the furniture or your guests.

THIS is where I stand also--and my 3 grown sons are thanking me today. I used the "3 rule"--I tell you once, I tell you twice, third time--whack.

I've been raising children most of my life, from having to learn how to change my own diapers/potty train myself as a toddler; to raising my siblings when I was 8 years old & then raising/babysitting other peoples children, until I was 29; I am 37 currently & unfortunately don't/won't have, any of; my own because of, premature menopause. However I've never had a problem with a child of various ages, that I couldn't resolve with; time outs, discussion, etc.

Children aren't objects & thus they aren't to, be controlled by; you but instead're to, be taught by you to; control themselves! If spanking worked then, everyone in jail would be those; that were never were. Since it's plausible to, successfully raise a child without hitting them then; it isn't ever necessary to! A parent's own, lack of; self discipline & inability to, teach isn't their; child's fault! Therefore it's the parent's responsibility to, take a parenting/anger management class themselves to learn how to discipline their child without; being violent! I believe that spanking teaches, to solve problems; with anger & violence; which then leads to being imprisoned; for assault, domestic violence, etc.

Also the worst of it isn't even, the act itself it's the escalation that's necessary to; achieve the same response/result desired. For instance when someone scraps their knee for; the 1st few times it'll hurt enough to; make them cry but after they, become accustomed to the pain it'll take; a sprain, a fracture, a break, etc. to, produce the; same effect. The same, goes with; spanking. A light tap'll have to, evolve into; a hard slap, etc., to continually produce the, same level of pain; to control the child. Plus some children don't have, the ability to; feel physical pain & others self harm to relieve pain so, clearly spanking wouldn't have the; same effect with these children!

Another issue that comes to, mind concerning spanking's the physical; ability to continue with it. So if a parent that spanks their child becomes disabled within, such a way that makes it impossible to continue that form of discipline then; how'll they discipline their child or if the parent that does the spanking has, to leave to go on a business trip for a week how'll the; child be disciplined that week? A timeout can be given without, having to; be physical or a discussion can be had without, having to be within the; same location that the child's!

Gimsteinn1 wrote: »

DeficitDuchess wrote: »

I've been raising children most of my life, from having to learn how to change my own diapers/potty train myself as a toddler; to raising my siblings when I was 8 years old & then raising/babysitting other peoples children, until I was 29; I am 37 currently & unfortunately don't/won't have, any of; my own because of, premature menopause. However I've never had a problem with a child of various ages, that I couldn't resolve with; time outs, discussion, etc.

Children aren't objects & thus they aren't to, be controlled by; you but instead're to, be taught by you to; control themselves! If spanking worked then, everyone in jail would be those; that were never were. Since it's plausible to, successfully raise a child without hitting them then; it isn't ever necessary to! A parent's own, lack of; self discipline & inability to, teach isn't their; child's fault! Therefore it's the parent's responsibility to, take a parenting/anger management class themselves to learn how to discipline their child without; being violent! I believe that spanking teaches, to solve problems; with anger & violence; which then leads to being imprisoned; for assault, domestic violence, etc.

Also the worst of it isn't even, the act itself it's the escalation that's necessary to; achieve the same response/result desired. For instance when someone scraps their knee for; the 1st few times it'll hurt enough to; make them cry but after they, become accustomed to the pain it'll take; a sprain, a fracture, a break, etc. to, produce the; same effect. The same, goes with; spanking. A light tap'll have to, evolve into; a hard slap, etc., to continually produce the, same level of pain; to control the child. Plus some children don't have, the ability to; feel physical pain & others self harm to relieve pain so, clearly spanking wouldn't have the; same effect with these children!

Another issue that comes to, mind concerning spanking's the physical; ability to continue with it. So if a parent that spanks their child becomes disabled within, such a way that makes it impossible to continue that form of discipline then; how'll they discipline their child or if the parent that does the spanking has, to leave to go on a business trip for a week how'll the; child be disciplined that week? A timeout can be given without, having to; be physical or a discussion can be had without, having to be within the; same location that the child's!

You don't have to believe in the correlation between spanking and violent behavior. There have been many studies who show a strong connection between those two.

Actually, there have been many studies on spanking and you guys who say your kids are ok now and doing well.. Great, you dodged a bullet just like my grandpa who smoked 2 packs a day and lived to be 92 years old. Smokers are still a higher risk for cancer even though he didn't get one. Just like children who are spanked are at higer risk to develop aggression, antisocial behavior, physical injury and mental health problems.

Hitting your child is not a form of discipline. It's a form of abuse that can cause your kid to act out more. Don't believe me? Then do research yourself. Google it, read about it... or apply for Dr. Phils show to talk about the matter, I don't care just don't beat up your own kid that you're supposed to love and protect!

you!

There may not be a direct correlation between spanning and prison but there is a direct correlation between no discipline and prison. Broken homes account for the majority of prisoners. The lack of a true discipline system around an individual is both damaging to their development and is the root cause for chaos.

The liberal side of this conversation views spanking as abuse because they view the act of spanking as violent. They assume that the lead up is chaotic and uncontrolled. The assume that all spanking turns into a violent rage that results in bruises and broken bones. The don't see the agony that goes into spanking your child.

The difference here is simple. I would never tell you not to spank your child. I will never assume you're a monster for not teaching your children that all actions have consequences. When you're a child, the consequences are small. As an adult, the consequences for violating the law of the land is jail or prison, being fired, or being labeled. The idea of spanking isn't to scare a child. My kids know that I love them more than life itself. They also know that I was beaten as a child. They also know that I would never hurt them. Huge difference between spanking and hurting for those of you that are going to take that angle. You do not spank a child to hurt them. You also cannot use spanking as the end all be all! I only spank for serious (read potentially dangerous) behavior issues.

My children do not fear me. They respect me enough to not act like a typical teenager. They don't go out to go party, they get great grades, they are active in sports, and they are going to be extremely responsible and productive adults.

Gimsteinn1 wrote: »

DeficitDuchess wrote: »

I've been raising children most of my life, from having to learn how to change my own diapers/potty train myself as a toddler; to raising my siblings when I was 8 years old & then raising/babysitting other peoples children, until I was 29; I am 37 currently & unfortunately don't/won't have, any of; my own because of, premature menopause. However I've never had a problem with a child of various ages, that I couldn't resolve with; time outs, discussion, etc.

Children aren't objects & thus they aren't to, be controlled by; you but instead're to, be taught by you to; control themselves! If spanking worked then, everyone in jail would be those; that were never were. Since it's plausible to, successfully raise a child without hitting them then; it isn't ever necessary to! A parent's own, lack of; self discipline & inability to, teach isn't their; child's fault! Therefore it's the parent's responsibility to, take a parenting/anger management class themselves to learn how to discipline their child without; being violent! I believe that spanking teaches, to solve problems; with anger & violence; which then leads to being imprisoned; for assault, domestic violence, etc.

Also the worst of it isn't even, the act itself it's the escalation that's necessary to; achieve the same response/result desired. For instance when someone scraps their knee for; the 1st few times it'll hurt enough to; make them cry but after they, become accustomed to the pain it'll take; a sprain, a fracture, a break, etc. to, produce the; same effect. The same, goes with; spanking. A light tap'll have to, evolve into; a hard slap, etc., to continually produce the, same level of pain; to control the child. Plus some children don't have, the ability to; feel physical pain & others self harm to relieve pain so, clearly spanking wouldn't have the; same effect with these children!

Another issue that comes to, mind concerning spanking's the physical; ability to continue with it. So if a parent that spanks their child becomes disabled within, such a way that makes it impossible to continue that form of discipline then; how'll they discipline their child or if the parent that does the spanking has, to leave to go on a business trip for a week how'll the; child be disciplined that week? A timeout can be given without, having to; be physical or a discussion can be had without, having to be within the; same location that the child's!

You don't have to believe in the correlation between spanking and violent behavior. There have been many studies who show a strong connection between those two.

Actually, there have been many studies on spanking and you guys who say your kids are ok now and doing well.. Great, you dodged a bullet just like my grandpa who smoked 2 packs a day and lived to be 92 years old. Smokers are still a higher risk for cancer even though he didn't get one. Just like children who are spanked are at higer risk to develop aggression, antisocial behavior, physical injury and mental health problems.

Hitting your child is not a form of discipline. It's a form of abuse that can cause your kid to act out more. Don't believe me? Then do research yourself. Google it, read about it... or apply for Dr. Phils show to talk about the matter, I don't care just don't beat up your own kid that you're supposed to love and protect!

A whack on the butt is not child abuse, in my book.

PS: I'll discuss the "dodged bullet" with my 6'3 gigantic middle son the next time he comes up behind to hug me. By the way, he's so "mal-adjusted" that he's studying to be a magistrate, now that he's got his law degree.

EbonyDahlia wrote: »

DeficitDuchess wrote: »

cahubbard6421 wrote: »

You're a failure alright.

Did I get your attention? Good. Kids crave structure and discipline. They will never admit it but they do. If you don't get this simple task under control, your kid will turn into a terrorist. Maybe not that sever but you get the idea.

Take the router and destroy it right in front of him next time he doesn't listen. Set limits and expectations and don't waver. Positive reinforcement doesn't work when your kid doesn't care about it. When all else fails, (it has already) spank him when he doesn't do what is expected. It won't take long for the little one to fall in line.

Before anyone says it, I spank my kids (14, 13, 7) when they deserve it. Haven't had to spank them for three years or so for the younger one and almost 8 for the older two. It works. That's why your parents spanked you and their parents spanked them.

Spanking only works to cause a child to, fear their parent which means the; parent's the terrorist! Also hitting's like teaching math by, literally throwing the math book at; the child! The child doesn't actually, then learn how; to understand & work through the, problems within that; book do they?

Bullsh!t. I am a child of the "spanking era" and I have a lot more respect than kids/teenagers do now. There is NOTHING wrong with understanding at a young age there are serious consequences to certain behaviours. When you're a kid it's spanking, when you're an adult it's jail, or getting fired, or socially alienated.

One thing I've always noticed. People who have well behaved dogs usually have well behaved children. That's because the process is the same for both. Clear consistent boundaries, reinforcement, and respect. A smack on the *kitten* with a flip flop and a firm NO works for both. Taking a dog's ball away is not going to prevent it from jumping all over the furniture or your guests.

The training process is the same for both children and dogs, I agree; however, smacking a dog doesn't teach them anything but to fear you. This is a proven fact. I'm a former dog trainer. Positive reinforcement provides far better results than hitting. You can EXPLAIN to a child why you're spanking them - they understand. Dogs do not understand your words, only your anger and your actions. Whenever I see anyone smacking a dog for what they consider "misbehaving" I want to hit them upside the head and shout something to them in another language they don't understand and see how they feel about it!! Do you know why I hit you? NO, because I was not speaking your language so you have no idea what you did wrong!!!!