I feel like a parenting failure
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Only you can find what truly works for your situation, OP. You have gotten some great ideas, and lots of criticism. Sounds like your hubby is a big part of the problem. Other than that, you just need to try to find ways to connect, and make the undesirable behavior really difficult. Make there be no point for him to get out of bed, because it will get him nothing. I sympatize with the whining on walks. We often walk and bike for transportation instead of driving, and some days its nothing but crying the whole way there. We still walk 2+ miles regularly. But he is used to walking long distances because I've done it with him since he was a baby.0
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abitoftrouble wrote: »This thread really devolved. OP, I hope you find an answer that works for you and your family, regardless of what it looks like.
^^ditto this.
Parenting has to be the most difficult job in the world now. Kids are always going to push the boundaries, but there are so many outside influences today, that kids have at their fingertips, and at such young ages.
OP, my heart goes out to you. You must be at your wits end over this.
I hope you resolve this issue with your son. I guess my only advice would be to get counseling for your son and family. I truly hope you can find some resolution.0 -
Sign him up for one sport. Let him know he has a choice, from things you can take him to (not 2 hours away or requiring to buy a horse for example) and that's it. Not as punishment, to promote a healthy lifestyle. He can complain every single time, he still will go, so it is in his best interest to pick an activity he prefers (or one where his friends go to). Make it clear that this is not negotiable. And follow through.
Int he evening, go for a walk, or a bike ride. It does not matter if he is whining. Take a ball with you, or a frisbee etc.
Schedule a board game evening and a family movie night, and an evening spent with friends. Do not ask him, there is no choice.
This. ^^^ I have not read every post but have tried to skim most of them. Parenting is hard work. And it IS work if you want to raise productive, well adjusted, hard working people.
1. Getting up in the middle of the night is definitely butt training. Period, end of story. Get up, get butt training. Consistency. A child not getting enough sleep (aside from all the other issues) is going to be difficult to reason/talk to and work with. From a health standpoint this is imperative.
2. Glue him to your hip. When he's out of school, he's glued to your hip. What you do, he does. If you go to the bathroom, he sits outside the door and waits for you. If you go shopping, he goes with you. The key to this working is you HAVE to be sweet spirited, kind, and act like you are enjoying spending the time with him no matter what his attitude is. It may take a week or two, but you'd be surprised at the change this can bring.
3. I second and third some sort of karate, tae kwan do, etc. Not only is it physical exercise but they also teach discipline (which he sorely needs and will need later in life). Not an option, he just does it.
4. Does he get or have any sort of money? If he gets an allowance, fine him. Every nasty attitude, unkind words, etc. costs a quarter. And he has to put it in the jar. If he refuses to put it in the jar, you verbally up it a nickle every few minutes until he's lost all he has. Then you just take it in front of him. Every lie, every act of disobedience, etc. has a fine assigned to it. If he doesn't have a source of income, but he has a piggy bank, then just lower the damage (b/c damage is damage even when there's only a little bit in the jar). Maybe it will be a nickle. Kids like money, and kids hate to lose money. He will also learn the value of money this way. By the same token, you can give him jobs (not regular household chores, but hard working jobs) to do that he can earn a little. When he's earned it, he isn't going to want to lose it to the stupid behavior jar.
5. You're the parent. He gets no say in anything until he proves to you he can make wise decisions. This has to be verbalized to him and he needs to be told he can earn your respect and earn the right to appeal to you when he has changed his behavior for a good long time. This usually takes a year or two before they are allowed to appeal.
Counseling isn't going to help him. They'll make you feel like you're the one in the wrong. He needs to work and he needs to work hard. The hauling wood in and out of the woodshed is a good idea. Take your kids (both of them) and YOU and go do something for someone elderly at their home. Mow, rake leaves, etc. Teach them to serve others.
The one common denominator in all of these things is YOU. Kids will do what their parents do with them. If you're working in the yard, he works in the yard. If you're out of stuff to do at home, create work by finding people who need things done and go do it with him. No friends. He doesn't need them telling him not to listen to you. He needs you setting an example while he's glued to your hip.
Kids need and desire structure and discipline. Left to themselves they will be destructive.
Proverbs 29:15 "The rod and reproof give wisdom: but a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame."
It is both discipline and training that bring wisdom. Discipline is for egregious behaviors. Training takes place aside from discipline. And hopefully it goes without saying (but I'll say it anyway), never discipline in anger. Even if you have to come back to it 2hrs later when you're calmer. It also sounds like you need to get your husband on board. Boys will tend to respond better to dads then mom sometimes.
Stand strong. You CAN do this. You just have to out stubborn him.
I even use to tell my kids this. I would tell them I'm more stubborn then they are and I was going to win so they may as well give in right then. It took a few times of me winning the stubborn contest ("you WILL do what I say"), but before long they quickly gave in because they knew I wouldn't give in. Verbally explaining what you're doing each time you do it is very effective training as well. 1 -
Change the internet password daily..if he can't log on..he can't You Tube.1
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Gimsteinn1 wrote: »Spanking a child = child abuse
Don't try to call it anything else just cause you did it. Own up to your mistake so you can end the wrong doing.
Be thankful your kids turned out OK.
And again read bloody studies on the matter.
^^This, striking another human being is not the answer and it is not ok.
Seriously people? You turned out ok. Your kids turned out ok. That makes it right?
NOPE. NEVER. Striking some one is abuse.
You are an adult, so act like one.
Spanking is bad advice to give to a parent disciplining a 9 year old.2 -
Gimsteinn1 wrote: »Spanking a child = child abuse
Don't try to call it anything else just cause you did it. Own up to your mistake so you can end the wrong doing.
Be thankful your kids turned out OK.
And again read bloody studies on the matter.
Don't have to read the studies--I've got 30 yrs of experience in the field. I've been observing children and parenting behavior all that time--much better than an old study.
I live in Italy where people don't discipline their kids at all. Ever spend 2 months on the beach with Italian families? They adore children, but their kids are throwing sand, splashing water, and kicking soccer balls into you while you're reading the newspaper or a book on the beach. All these things are against the rules. Typically the mother is lying there in the sun getting a tan and ignoring her children. Nobody ever lays a hand on their little darlings--you just talk to them--nicely. Exactly what you're saying. It's too much work to discipline, and people just don't know how.
I told my sons at the dinner table about this thread. Since they're of the internet games age and I'm not, I wanted their take on it. They were howling with laughter. I said "what would you advise this mother to do?" They wiped their eyes and said "Simple Mom, have the lady send her kid over here to you, and just send him back after you've got him straightened out". Yup--I'm so thankfull that my kids are OK.3 -
snowflake954 wrote: »Gimsteinn1 wrote: »Spanking a child = child abuse
Don't try to call it anything else just cause you did it. Own up to your mistake so you can end the wrong doing.
Be thankful your kids turned out OK.
And again read bloody studies on the matter.
Don't have to read the studies--I've got 30 yrs of experience in the field. I've been observing children and parenting behavior all that time--much better than an old study.
I live in Italy where people don't discipline their kids at all. Ever spend 2 months on the beach with Italian families? They adore children, but their kids are throwing sand, splashing water, and kicking soccer balls into you while you're reading the newspaper or a book on the beach. All these things are against the rules. Typically the mother is lying there in the sun getting a tan and ignoring her children. Nobody ever lays a hand on their little darlings--you just talk to them--nicely. Exactly what you're saying. It's too much work to discipline, and people just don't know how.
I told my sons at the dinner table about this thread. Since they're of the internet games age and I'm not, I wanted their take on it. They were howling with laughter. I said "what would you advise this mother to do?" They wiped their eyes and said "Simple Mom, have the lady send her kid over here to you, and just send him back after you've got him straightened out". Yup--I'm so thankfull that my kids are OK.
Consider this: a kid is misbehaving in class. he doesn't focus, doesn't engage in work and only wants to do "fun" things. Gets home and doesn't concentrate on his homework and doenst want to do it.
How much 'straightening out' is needed? how much discipline do you apply?2 -
snowflake954 wrote: »Gimsteinn1 wrote: »Spanking a child = child abuse
Don't try to call it anything else just cause you did it. Own up to your mistake so you can end the wrong doing.
Be thankful your kids turned out OK.
And again read bloody studies on the matter.
Don't have to read the studies--I've got 30 yrs of experience in the field. I've been observing children and parenting behavior all that time--much better than an old study.
I live in Italy where people don't discipline their kids at all. Ever spend 2 months on the beach with Italian families? They adore children, but their kids are throwing sand, splashing water, and kicking soccer balls into you while you're reading the newspaper or a book on the beach. All these things are against the rules. Typically the mother is lying there in the sun getting a tan and ignoring her children. Nobody ever lays a hand on their little darlings--you just talk to them--nicely. Exactly what you're saying. It's too much work to discipline, and people just don't know how.
I told my sons at the dinner table about this thread. Since they're of the internet games age and I'm not, I wanted their take on it. They were howling with laughter. I said "what would you advise this mother to do?" They wiped their eyes and said "Simple Mom, have the lady send her kid over here to you, and just send him back after you've got him straightened out". Yup--I'm so thankfull that my kids are OK.
Kids being kids at the beach. Playing in the sand and water and kicking a ball around and it is against the rules? What do you expect them to be doing at the beach?
And it is not true that this mother is not trying to discipline her son, she is.
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Time to put passwords on everything that he doesn't know, and set up parental restrictions and/or shut the Internet off at night. Cell devices should be easy just make them require a password that you have to type in for him when he wants on them. As far as youtube goes it's all Internet so it shouldn't be that hard to shut off the Internet. My grand daughter is also addicted to youtube shows. She, thankfully, will listen when we tell her she's been on the tablet too much but I know her parents have had to lock her devices with a new password at times to ground her from them for being on them after she was told not to. It's a new generation folks, kids have the Internet at their disposal and it's full of content, most of which they shouldn't be seeing anyway. Parental controls are important, even manual ones. Doesn't make you a failure though, it makes you a caring parent. Passwords can do a lot to prevent some of this stuff. As far as TV's go they make devices that lock out the power plugs. Try searching on Amazon. They are simply a block you plug the power cord into and it locks like a padlock so it can't be plugged back in. Do that at night and he won't be able to sneak in and watch TV.1
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MrStabbems wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »Gimsteinn1 wrote: »Spanking a child = child abuse
Don't try to call it anything else just cause you did it. Own up to your mistake so you can end the wrong doing.
Be thankful your kids turned out OK.
And again read bloody studies on the matter.
Don't have to read the studies--I've got 30 yrs of experience in the field. I've been observing children and parenting behavior all that time--much better than an old study.
I live in Italy where people don't discipline their kids at all. Ever spend 2 months on the beach with Italian families? They adore children, but their kids are throwing sand, splashing water, and kicking soccer balls into you while you're reading the newspaper or a book on the beach. All these things are against the rules. Typically the mother is lying there in the sun getting a tan and ignoring her children. Nobody ever lays a hand on their little darlings--you just talk to them--nicely. Exactly what you're saying. It's too much work to discipline, and people just don't know how.
I told my sons at the dinner table about this thread. Since they're of the internet games age and I'm not, I wanted their take on it. They were howling with laughter. I said "what would you advise this mother to do?" They wiped their eyes and said "Simple Mom, have the lady send her kid over here to you, and just send him back after you've got him straightened out". Yup--I'm so thankfull that my kids are OK.
Consider this: a kid is misbehaving in class. he doesn't focus, doesn't engage in work and only wants to do "fun" things. Gets home and doesn't concentrate on his homework and doenst want to do it.
How much 'straightening out' is needed? how much discipline do you apply?
First question--How old is he or she?
Second--Did this problem show up out of the blue, or has it been going on for awhile?
Third--If this problem is just showing up, what has changed in his or her life at home or at school?
If at school--new teacher, heavier work load, problems with the other kids--time to talk to the school
If at home--what's going on there? Change things up, talk to him or her, and work it out. There is always
a solution to every problem.
Discipline or structuring a childs life to give them security, can take many forms. 2 of my boys are dyslexic and I had to work through a lot of problems, especially heavy homework loads. I never gave up on them and they know that. One finished law school and is studying to be a magistrate, the younger one is still in law school--it'll be another year or so, dyslexics are slower and need their time.0 -
3rdof7sisters wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »Gimsteinn1 wrote: »Spanking a child = child abuse
Don't try to call it anything else just cause you did it. Own up to your mistake so you can end the wrong doing.
Be thankful your kids turned out OK.
And again read bloody studies on the matter.
Don't have to read the studies--I've got 30 yrs of experience in the field. I've been observing children and parenting behavior all that time--much better than an old study.
I live in Italy where people don't discipline their kids at all. Ever spend 2 months on the beach with Italian families? They adore children, but their kids are throwing sand, splashing water, and kicking soccer balls into you while you're reading the newspaper or a book on the beach. All these things are against the rules. Typically the mother is lying there in the sun getting a tan and ignoring her children. Nobody ever lays a hand on their little darlings--you just talk to them--nicely. Exactly what you're saying. It's too much work to discipline, and people just don't know how.
I told my sons at the dinner table about this thread. Since they're of the internet games age and I'm not, I wanted their take on it. They were howling with laughter. I said "what would you advise this mother to do?" They wiped their eyes and said "Simple Mom, have the lady send her kid over here to you, and just send him back after you've got him straightened out". Yup--I'm so thankfull that my kids are OK.
Kids being kids at the beach. Playing in the sand and water and kicking a ball around and it is against the rules? What do you expect them to be doing at the beach?
And it is not true that this mother is not trying to discipline her son, she is.
It's not allowed to throw sand--ever been in the midst of a sand fight?
Throwing water at your friends and getting people that are under beach umbrellas (that we pay for) wet while they are reading or sunbathing is against the rules.
Playing soccer on the beach (usually they do this in groups of 6-10) is prohibited, since there is an area for that. Have you ever gotten a soccer ball in the face while reading? Playing ball in the sea is allowed, as is throwing sand, and water.
However my main question is this: "Are you an Italian mother"?0 -
I haven't finished it yet but "1-2-3 Magic" has been really helpful to me and my 6 year old so far. Amazon has a Kindle version for $2.99 but I borrowed my copy from the library.
https://www.amazon.com/1-2-3-Magic-Discipline-Effective-Parenting/dp/149262988X/ref=dp_ob_title_bk0 -
You have an excuse for everything. Once yous top making excuses for your kid, you, your husband, things might change.3
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snowflake954 wrote: »
However my main question is this: "Are you an Italian mother"?3rdof7sisters wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »Gimsteinn1 wrote: »Spanking a child = child abuse
Don't try to call it anything else just cause you did it. Own up to your mistake so you can end the wrong doing.
Be thankful your kids turned out OK.
And again read bloody studies on the matter.
Don't have to read the studies--I've got 30 yrs of experience in the field. I've been observing children and parenting behavior all that time--much better than an old study.
I live in Italy where people don't discipline their kids at all. Ever spend 2 months on the beach with Italian families? They adore children, but their kids are throwing sand, splashing water, and kicking soccer balls into you while you're reading the newspaper or a book on the beach. All these things are against the rules. Typically the mother is lying there in the sun getting a tan and ignoring her children. Nobody ever lays a hand on their little darlings--you just talk to them--nicely. Exactly what you're saying. It's too much work to discipline, and people just don't know how.
I told my sons at the dinner table about this thread. Since they're of the internet games age and I'm not, I wanted their take on it. They were howling with laughter. I said "what would you advise this mother to do?" They wiped their eyes and said "Simple Mom, have the lady send her kid over here to you, and just send him back after you've got him straightened out". Yup--I'm so thankfull that my kids are OK.
Kids being kids at the beach. Playing in the sand and water and kicking a ball around and it is against the rules? What do you expect them to be doing at the beach?
And it is not true that this mother is not trying to discipline her son, she is.
No I am not an Italian mother, but I am a mother, and I have been to beaches and observed behavior by children. Which does include sand, water and balls, and sometimes even pets. Granted, they were beach balls, not soccer balls. Are you saying the children intentionally hit you in the face with a soccer ball?
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snowflake954 wrote: »Gimsteinn1 wrote: »Spanking a child = child abuse
Don't try to call it anything else just cause you did it. Own up to your mistake so you can end the wrong doing.
Be thankful your kids turned out OK.
And again read bloody studies on the matter.
Don't have to read the studies--I've got 30 yrs of experience in the field. I've been observing children and parenting behavior all that time--much better than an old study.
I live in Italy where people don't discipline their kids at all. Ever spend 2 months on the beach with Italian families? They adore children, but their kids are throwing sand, splashing water, and kicking soccer balls into you while you're reading the newspaper or a book on the beach. All these things are against the rules. Typically the mother is lying there in the sun getting a tan and ignoring her children. Nobody ever lays a hand on their little darlings--you just talk to them--nicely. Exactly what you're saying. It's too much work to discipline, and people just don't know how.
I told my sons at the dinner table about this thread. Since they're of the internet games age and I'm not, I wanted their take on it. They were howling with laughter. I said "what would you advise this mother to do?" They wiped their eyes and said "Simple Mom, have the lady send her kid over here to you, and just send him back after you've got him straightened out". Yup--I'm so thankfull that my kids are OK.
Honest question - is this a new parenting philosophy for them, or have generations of Italians been raised this way? Unless there's been a seismic shift in parenting there within the past few years, I'd say whatever they do must result in somewhat responsible adults or else their country would have collapsed by now. Parenting styles vary greatly from one culture to the next (and even within those cultures, as proven here) so I wouldn't base any judgments on that.1 -
3rdof7sisters wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »
However my main question is this: "Are you an Italian mother"?3rdof7sisters wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »Gimsteinn1 wrote: »Spanking a child = child abuse
Don't try to call it anything else just cause you did it. Own up to your mistake so you can end the wrong doing.
Be thankful your kids turned out OK.
And again read bloody studies on the matter.
Don't have to read the studies--I've got 30 yrs of experience in the field. I've been observing children and parenting behavior all that time--much better than an old study.
I live in Italy where people don't discipline their kids at all. Ever spend 2 months on the beach with Italian families? They adore children, but their kids are throwing sand, splashing water, and kicking soccer balls into you while you're reading the newspaper or a book on the beach. All these things are against the rules. Typically the mother is lying there in the sun getting a tan and ignoring her children. Nobody ever lays a hand on their little darlings--you just talk to them--nicely. Exactly what you're saying. It's too much work to discipline, and people just don't know how.
I told my sons at the dinner table about this thread. Since they're of the internet games age and I'm not, I wanted their take on it. They were howling with laughter. I said "what would you advise this mother to do?" They wiped their eyes and said "Simple Mom, have the lady send her kid over here to you, and just send him back after you've got him straightened out". Yup--I'm so thankfull that my kids are OK.
Kids being kids at the beach. Playing in the sand and water and kicking a ball around and it is against the rules? What do you expect them to be doing at the beach?
And it is not true that this mother is not trying to discipline her son, she is.
No I am not an Italian mother, but I am a mother, and I have been to beaches and observed behavior by children. Which does include sand, water and balls, and sometimes even pets. Granted, they were beach balls, not soccer balls. Are you saying the children intentionally hit you in the face with a soccer ball?
Sure it does--and there's the right place for all that, and it's not 3 meters back from the water where the umbrellas are and the paying customers trying to relax. Here soccer is the national sport and young boys go nuts (mine went through the stage) and play wherever they can. These 7-14 yr olds pack a kick you wouldn't believe. Do they kick the ball in my face on purpose? No, but they know they're not to play there, and in the heat of the game.... My boys did it too, but I got up off my butt and told them to go in the water where it's allowed. I didn't wait for the lifeguard to have to do it. I didn't pretend I didn't know them. I notice these kids never play in front of their parents--funny that.1 -
snowflake954 wrote: »3rdof7sisters wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »
However my main question is this: "Are you an Italian mother"?3rdof7sisters wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »Gimsteinn1 wrote: »Spanking a child = child abuse
Don't try to call it anything else just cause you did it. Own up to your mistake so you can end the wrong doing.
Be thankful your kids turned out OK.
And again read bloody studies on the matter.
Don't have to read the studies--I've got 30 yrs of experience in the field. I've been observing children and parenting behavior all that time--much better than an old study.
I live in Italy where people don't discipline their kids at all. Ever spend 2 months on the beach with Italian families? They adore children, but their kids are throwing sand, splashing water, and kicking soccer balls into you while you're reading the newspaper or a book on the beach. All these things are against the rules. Typically the mother is lying there in the sun getting a tan and ignoring her children. Nobody ever lays a hand on their little darlings--you just talk to them--nicely. Exactly what you're saying. It's too much work to discipline, and people just don't know how.
I told my sons at the dinner table about this thread. Since they're of the internet games age and I'm not, I wanted their take on it. They were howling with laughter. I said "what would you advise this mother to do?" They wiped their eyes and said "Simple Mom, have the lady send her kid over here to you, and just send him back after you've got him straightened out". Yup--I'm so thankfull that my kids are OK.
Kids being kids at the beach. Playing in the sand and water and kicking a ball around and it is against the rules? What do you expect them to be doing at the beach?
And it is not true that this mother is not trying to discipline her son, she is.
No I am not an Italian mother, but I am a mother, and I have been to beaches and observed behavior by children. Which does include sand, water and balls, and sometimes even pets. Granted, they were beach balls, not soccer balls. Are you saying the children intentionally hit you in the face with a soccer ball?
Sure it does--and there's the right place for all that, and it's not 3 meters back from the water where the umbrellas are and the paying customers trying to relax. Here soccer is the national sport and young boys go nuts (mine went through the stage) and play wherever they can. These 7-14 yr olds pack a kick you wouldn't believe. Do they kick the ball in my face on purpose? No, but they know they're not to play there, and in the heat of the game.... My boys did it too, but I got up off my butt and told them to go in the water where it's allowed. I didn't wait for the lifeguard to have to do it. I didn't pretend I didn't know them. I notice these kids never play in front of their parents--funny that.
I am sorry that they are not obeying the rules, but it really is kind of off topic from the OP's issue with her son.
She is turning to her peers to perhaps get some helpful ideas on how to resolve this issue with her son. She has done a lot of different things to try to solve this and he finds ways to get around her. It is affecting his school work and disrupting the family as well.
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snowflake954 wrote: »Gimsteinn1 wrote: »Spanking a child = child abuse
Don't try to call it anything else just cause you did it. Own up to your mistake so you can end the wrong doing.
Be thankful your kids turned out OK.
And again read bloody studies on the matter.
Don't have to read the studies--I've got 30 yrs of experience in the field. I've been observing children and parenting behavior all that time--much better than an old study.
I live in Italy where people don't discipline their kids at all. Ever spend 2 months on the beach with Italian families? They adore children, but their kids are throwing sand, splashing water, and kicking soccer balls into you while you're reading the newspaper or a book on the beach. All these things are against the rules. Typically the mother is lying there in the sun getting a tan and ignoring her children. Nobody ever lays a hand on their little darlings--you just talk to them--nicely. Exactly what you're saying. It's too much work to discipline, and people just don't know how.
I told my sons at the dinner table about this thread. Since they're of the internet games age and I'm not, I wanted their take on it. They were howling with laughter. I said "what would you advise this mother to do?" They wiped their eyes and said "Simple Mom, have the lady send her kid over here to you, and just send him back after you've got him straightened out". Yup--I'm so thankfull that my kids are OK.
Honest question - is this a new parenting philosophy for them, or have generations of Italians been raised this way? Unless there's been a seismic shift in parenting there within the past few years, I'd say whatever they do must result in somewhat responsible adults or else their country would have collapsed by now. Parenting styles vary greatly from one culture to the next (and even within those cultures, as proven here) so I wouldn't base any judgments on that.
Nope this is the 80's+ generations. Children have always been revered, but were disciplined in past generations. Families got alot smaller and mothers started working. Most children are at the beach during the week watched by babysitters-usually Philipinos, or other immigrants and the grandparents. The babysitters don't care much what the kids do. On weekends, mom and dad arrive and want to relax on the beach. The month of August is the big vacation month. The beach is packed, most of the babysitters are off and the parents don't have a clue what to do, so they do nothing. Italy is actually falling apart right now. There are alot of fantastic people--don't get me wrong, but corruption is corroding the culture. This has to do with a lack of values in general, and a "me firster" attitude, which could be argued grow out of the lackadaisical way they are raised. Time will tell. The Italians have always been creative and resilient.0 -
snowflake954 wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »Gimsteinn1 wrote: »Spanking a child = child abuse
Don't try to call it anything else just cause you did it. Own up to your mistake so you can end the wrong doing.
Be thankful your kids turned out OK.
And again read bloody studies on the matter.
Don't have to read the studies--I've got 30 yrs of experience in the field. I've been observing children and parenting behavior all that time--much better than an old study.
I live in Italy where people don't discipline their kids at all. Ever spend 2 months on the beach with Italian families? They adore children, but their kids are throwing sand, splashing water, and kicking soccer balls into you while you're reading the newspaper or a book on the beach. All these things are against the rules. Typically the mother is lying there in the sun getting a tan and ignoring her children. Nobody ever lays a hand on their little darlings--you just talk to them--nicely. Exactly what you're saying. It's too much work to discipline, and people just don't know how.
I told my sons at the dinner table about this thread. Since they're of the internet games age and I'm not, I wanted their take on it. They were howling with laughter. I said "what would you advise this mother to do?" They wiped their eyes and said "Simple Mom, have the lady send her kid over here to you, and just send him back after you've got him straightened out". Yup--I'm so thankfull that my kids are OK.
Honest question - is this a new parenting philosophy for them, or have generations of Italians been raised this way? Unless there's been a seismic shift in parenting there within the past few years, I'd say whatever they do must result in somewhat responsible adults or else their country would have collapsed by now. Parenting styles vary greatly from one culture to the next (and even within those cultures, as proven here) so I wouldn't base any judgments on that.
Nope this is the 80's+ generations. Children have always been revered, but were disciplined in past generations. Families got alot smaller and mothers started working. Most children are at the beach during the week watched by babysitters-usually Philipinos, or other immigrants and the grandparents. The babysitters don't care much what the kids do. On weekends, mom and dad arrive and want to relax on the beach. The month of August is the big vacation month. The beach is packed, most of the babysitters are off and the parents don't have a clue what to do, so they do nothing. Italy is actually falling apart right now. There are alot of fantastic people--don't get me wrong, but corruption is corroding the culture. This has to do with a lack of values in general, and a "me firster" attitude, which could be argued grow out of the lackadaisical way they are raised. Time will tell. The Italians have always been creative and resilient.
That's a shame
I think every generation goes through a period of thinking 'This new generation is going to be the downfall of society!' As a Gen Xer, I know people thought that about us 
Hopefully, of course, that won't be the case there. 2 -
3rdof7sisters wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »3rdof7sisters wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »
However my main question is this: "Are you an Italian mother"?3rdof7sisters wrote: »snowflake954 wrote: »Gimsteinn1 wrote: »Spanking a child = child abuse
Don't try to call it anything else just cause you did it. Own up to your mistake so you can end the wrong doing.
Be thankful your kids turned out OK.
And again read bloody studies on the matter.
Don't have to read the studies--I've got 30 yrs of experience in the field. I've been observing children and parenting behavior all that time--much better than an old study.
I live in Italy where people don't discipline their kids at all. Ever spend 2 months on the beach with Italian families? They adore children, but their kids are throwing sand, splashing water, and kicking soccer balls into you while you're reading the newspaper or a book on the beach. All these things are against the rules. Typically the mother is lying there in the sun getting a tan and ignoring her children. Nobody ever lays a hand on their little darlings--you just talk to them--nicely. Exactly what you're saying. It's too much work to discipline, and people just don't know how.
I told my sons at the dinner table about this thread. Since they're of the internet games age and I'm not, I wanted their take on it. They were howling with laughter. I said "what would you advise this mother to do?" They wiped their eyes and said "Simple Mom, have the lady send her kid over here to you, and just send him back after you've got him straightened out". Yup--I'm so thankfull that my kids are OK.
Kids being kids at the beach. Playing in the sand and water and kicking a ball around and it is against the rules? What do you expect them to be doing at the beach?
And it is not true that this mother is not trying to discipline her son, she is.
No I am not an Italian mother, but I am a mother, and I have been to beaches and observed behavior by children. Which does include sand, water and balls, and sometimes even pets. Granted, they were beach balls, not soccer balls. Are you saying the children intentionally hit you in the face with a soccer ball?
Sure it does--and there's the right place for all that, and it's not 3 meters back from the water where the umbrellas are and the paying customers trying to relax. Here soccer is the national sport and young boys go nuts (mine went through the stage) and play wherever they can. These 7-14 yr olds pack a kick you wouldn't believe. Do they kick the ball in my face on purpose? No, but they know they're not to play there, and in the heat of the game.... My boys did it too, but I got up off my butt and told them to go in the water where it's allowed. I didn't wait for the lifeguard to have to do it. I didn't pretend I didn't know them. I notice these kids never play in front of their parents--funny that.
I am sorry that they are not obeying the rules, but it really is kind of off topic from the OP's issue with her son.
She is turning to her peers to perhaps get some helpful ideas on how to resolve this issue with her son. She has done a lot of different things to try to solve this and he finds ways to get around her. It is affecting his school work and disrupting the family as well.
Oh, sorry, I thought the discussion had to do with discipline, childrens behaviour(not obeying rules), and going behind her back to find the remote she hid. Of course I hope the OP can resolve this issue (hopefully with the help of her husband) as quickly as possible.1
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