Tattoo: Would you tell your S/O?

JUDDDing

Your "mutual respect" is a guise for control. Good luck with that.

Um, yes. This is always how the forums go. If your spouse does anything you don't like, this is "disrespect" and grounds for immediate divorce.

But to the OP - definitely tell him about it in advance, since you are married (if this was a boyfriend no such obligation would exist).

Then decide how important it is to you compared to his feelings (and your annoyance from having to listen to his feelings).

Besides, nothing is wrong with trashy.

MightyDomo

Lots of opinions already but I will add mine, tell him and let him know that it is your body and therefore your decision and you'd hope he would support your choice.

Honestly he should support it even if he doesn't like it because it means something to you, isn't there anything he does that you don't exactly like but are supportive of?

Sidenote: My ex-husband was not supportive of anything I did or wanted and that included my monroe piercing, I got it without telling him and that was a huge problem... I ended up taking it out for his sake and we didn't end up staying married anyway so I got it re-pierced and am happy as pie. It looks great on me and most people can't even tell I have it which is wierd since it is a little piece of grey and sparkly white sticking out my lip lol.

joe_madre

My thoughts:

Well from the "hubby's" point of view, I have to totally agree with HIM. When my wife mentioned the possibility of getting a small tattoo I told her that it would be fine, her next husband would probably like it. No argument, no further conversation was needed.

I hope she and her next husband are happy...

lol................... 34 years and still married

All your mfp friends are mostly hot chicks. You look like a creeper old man.

I believe the proper term is "father figure"

BadAssBeautie

If he feels that strongly about it, and you go and get it done with an "f-you this is MY body and I will do what I want" then even if he ends up liking it... it will be a constant visual f-you every time he sees it.

might he end up thinking:
- she didn't give enough consideration to me to tell me she was getting it done
- she doesn't give a crap what I think
- my thoughts and feelings don't matter
- it's all about her
- I CANNOT TRUST HER

YES, I know it is your body... but if he is your spouse, he has to look at it too.

What if he wanted to split his tongue, or get massive spacers in his ears? It's his body - he should go for it and show you later.
What if he wants to dress in drag the next time you go out for dinner? It's his body, he can dress how he likes and you better accept it.


The fact is that you are married. If you believe in marriage as becoming "one", then him being the person that will see your ink ALL the time... it should at least be important enough for you to discuss it with him, rather than sneaking about, hiding it, spending the money, and expecting "oh I love you honey, you are so gorgeous, how ever could i have been so wrong" after the fact.


Good luck.

eta... I know you can't get massive spacers in one shot... bad example lol

bearkisses

just surprise him with it :P

or tell him

I have surprised my partner with tattoos, but he loves them. So I suppose it would be a sad surprise for him.

TheWinman

My thoughts:

Well from the "hubby's" point of view, I have to totally agree with HIM. When my wife mentioned the possibility of getting a small tattoo I told her that it would be fine, her next husband would probably like it. No argument, no further conversation was needed.

You would divorce your wife over her getting a small tattoo?

this^^^

highervibes

Yeah, after thinking about it more and reading the responses it definitely would have been a d i c k move on my part. I'm definitely going to tell him, but I'm not asking for his permission..

dlionsmane

I have several tattoos, so I'm not tattoo snob.

I am also married to someone whose not a big fan of tattoos. He seems tolerant of the ones I have (that I got before I met him), but wouldn't be happy if I suggested getting another. But I don't want another, so I married him knowing he doesn't like them because it didn't matter, I wasn't getting anymore.

I guess my question is, did you know he didn't like tattoos when you married him? Because it's kind of unfair for you to marry him knowing that and then decide you don't care what he thinks, you're getting one anyway.

I'd like to think if I sat my husband down and gave him a sincere explanation why an additional tattoo was desired (to commemorate something significant, for example), he'd contemplate it and we'd come to some compromise (perhaps if I wanted it on my arm, maybe he'd be okay with me putting it on my hip instead where it's less visible, or something like that).

I would never just go and get one, knowing full well he hates them. That's pretty much just sticking your middle finger up at him and saying 'I don't give a cr@p what you think'. And if that is where you are coming from, then I'd say tattooing is the least of your problems....

This ^^^. Except I am not married, he's my BF. Had the tat before him. He doesn't like them, loves me though and the tat doesn't bother him. I know he would have an issue if I wanted more, however I also know that we would have a frank and meaningful discussion about why I might if I thought I wanted another one and I would be willing to compromise if something say on the arm was more offensive than another spot less obvious.

ItsCasey

I'll say this once: DO. NOT. LIE. TO. YOUR. HUSBAND.

And yes, planning to do this and not telling him about it is lying.

TheCaren

I think you're showing a total lack of respect for your marriage by doing something behind his back ESPECIALLY when you know he wouldn't like it. To me, a marriage is about two people serving and submitting to one another, especially when it comes to strong feelings about something permanent.

Yes, it's your body and you can make that decision. Why would you choose to do that when he has such strong feelings against it? How is that beneficial to your marriage relationship? At the same time, when you got married you also gave yourself to your spouse and so a permanent decision like this I think should also involve him.

^^^ This

I really think what the OP is planning is tantamount to her saying "eff-you" to her husband, in which case they've got way bigger problems than the fact he hates tattoos and she wants one. I adore my tattoos and I'm glad I got them BEFORE I met my hubby because he doesn't care for tattoos (although says mine are classy and well located so not a big deal). But if I met him and I wanted tattoos and he hated them, I'd have to decide if that was a deal breaker for me BEFORE I married him. Sorry. If you married him knowing he hates them, you made an unspoken agreement not to get one.

It is your body OP. You are theoretically free to do what you want with it. But I'd love to see how you'd feel if he wanted a Prince Albert piercing or a tattoo of something raunchy in a place open to public view, or something else that you don't like but you'd be stuck looking at/dealing with for the rest of your life.

I'd worry less about the tattoo and more about what your willingness to do something permanent to your body that he hates really says about your relationship as a whole. I'd fix that first. Honestly, he might cave into the tattoo eventually if you treated him like his opinion was valuable to you.

mikejholmes

Yeah, after thinking about it more and reading the responses it definitely would have been a d i c k move on my part. I'm definitely going to tell him, but I'm not asking for his permission..

What? You listened to reasoned arguments, and changed your mind?
And ADMITTED it?

Sorry -- that is unacceptable MFP behaviour. I'll have to report this post.

TracyJo93

My thoughts:

Well from the "hubby's" point of view, I have to totally agree with HIM. When my wife mentioned the possibility of getting a small tattoo I told her that it would be fine, her next husband would probably like it. No argument, no further conversation was needed.

This guy is a ****, first of all. Second of all, you're both adults. You don't need his permission, and he doesn't need to be childish about it.

Third of all, he'll probably never trust you again, and I honestly wouldn't blame him. Don't sneak and do things behind your husband's back.

BadAssBeautie

Yeah, after thinking about it more and reading the responses it definitely would have been a d i c k move on my part. I'm definitely going to tell him, but I'm not asking for his permission..

AWESOME CHOICE!!!

vienna_h

How important is this tattoo to you? Yes, it's your body are you should do what you want. But if it's something your husband is so strongly against, finds it hideous, etc., is it worth upsetting him so much? It's a compromise. Is your husband really being unreasonable? Is this tattoo more important than someone else's opinion?

Personally, I'm a strong believer in individuality and doing what you want, especially when it concerns your body. But at the same time, a tattoo IS a big deal, it's permanent, it changes your physical appearance, it says something about you that everyone can see.

I like certain tattoos on other people, but in general, I'm not a huge fan of them being on my lover, but a nice tattoo is fine, maybe even sexy. However, when my bf told me he wanted to get a tattoo that looked like a wolverine was ripping out of his back, there was just no way. Sorry, but I can't take someone with such a stupid cheesy tattoo seriously. He ended up never getting the tattoo due to fear of needles. But I can't respect someone who would permanently tattoo such an ugly picture to their body, I have to look at it every day too! And so would others, it says a lot about someone. If it had been something tasteful and meaningful, different story. But imagine if he had gone ahead and done it without telling me? Total dealbreaker.

It's a question of being reasonable, and assessing your priorities in life. I certainly would never do something like behind my husband's back.

glovepuppet

My thoughts:

Well from the "hubby's" point of view, I have to totally agree with HIM. When my wife mentioned the possibility of getting a small tattoo I told her that it would be fine, her next husband would probably like it. No argument, no further conversation was needed.

I would've agreed with you and go my tattoo.

if a guy was willing to bail over something so trivial then he didn't love me that much to start with, and if he didn't love me that much to start with then i'm not going to live my life to please him.

highervibes

Yeah, after thinking about it more and reading the responses it definitely would have been a d i c k move on my part. I'm definitely going to tell him, but I'm not asking for his permission..

What? You listened to reasoned arguments, and changed your mind?
And ADMITTED it?

Sorry -- that is unacceptable MFP behaviour. I'll have to report this post.

LOL, yeah I'm not against admitting my mistakes and changing my mind. Especially when I have the luxury of a Plan B as is the case here

JustJennie1

Yeah, after thinking about it more and reading the responses it definitely would have been a d i c k move on my part. I'm definitely going to tell him, but I'm not asking for his permission..

But what are you going to tell him, that you made an appointment and you're going regardless of what he says and how he feels? That's just like not telling him until the last minute.

Be an adult. Sit down with him and discuss your reasons for getting it and let him discuss his reasons for not wanting you to get one. And by discuss I mean talk not scream and yell at each other.

In the end you need to decide whether or not getting a tattoo is really worth having your husband look at you differently and feel tension whenever he sees your tattoo. It seems like this is a lose/lose situation in that you're going to do what you want regardless.

jess7386

Yeah, after thinking about it more and reading the responses it definitely would have been a d i c k move on my part. I'm definitely going to tell him, but I'm not asking for his permission..

What? You listened to reasoned arguments, and changed your mind?
And ADMITTED it?

Sorry -- that is unacceptable MFP behaviour. I'll have to report this post.

QFT.

paygep

Yeah, my ex didn't want me to get another tattoo.... so we broke up. I felt that he didn't have any right to tell me what I could or could not do with my body. It struck me as controlling. The irony is that a while later he dated a girl with more tats than me! Anyway, I prefer my relationship now, where my partner and I have a 'we're grown so we do what we want' policy.

KatLifter

I'm not sure what direction to go here.. Mainly due to my mood right now. My husband is not very supportive of my weight and has often used my weight gain against me in disagreements. I am a recovering addict and since I got clean, I gained a lot of weight. He has the metabolism of a hummingbird and can eat to his heart's desire. He has often said that he was embarrassed to be seen with me in public and etc... So this year I really started to focus on me and my health. Not for him finally, but for me. Also, I decided to do something that was permanent to my body.. I have a LARGE tattoo that I have been working on since March. My thoughts, if he can't accept me through the things I can change, is he willing to accept me through something I cannot... Now just to be clear, he knew that I was getting a tattoo.. He just didn't know I was going to make it a project:laugh:

I am by no means condoning my behaviour or saying what I am doing is healthy.. but this is my body and I will treat it in a way that I want to.. With or without his permission.

Congrats on your sobriety. If he would rather you using than healthy and overweight, he may need to reevaluate his priorities. :noway:
This is my Gaelic serenity prayer tattoo

To the OP: It sounds like a slap in the face to your hubby. Not just getting a tattoo when you know how he feels, but a "conspicuous" one where he and everyone else will see it regularly on your arm.

kristirlk

I'm not sure what direction to go here.. Mainly due to my mood right now. My husband is not very supportive of my weight and has often used my weight gain against me in disagreements. I am a recovering addict and since I got clean, I gained a lot of weight. He has the metabolism of a hummingbird and can eat to his heart's desire. He has often said that he was embarrassed to be seen with me in public and etc... So this year I really started to focus on me and my health. Not for him finally, but for me. Also, I decided to do something that was permanent to my body.. I have a LARGE tattoo that I have been working on since March. My thoughts, if he can't accept me through the things I can change, is he willing to accept me through something I cannot... Now just to be clear, he knew that I was getting a tattoo.. He just didn't know I was going to make it a project:laugh:

I am by no means condoning my behaviour or saying what I am doing is healthy.. but this is my body and I will treat it in a way that I want to.. With or without his permission. You're husband needs to open his eyes and see your accomplishments!

You rock on! Im proud of you for losing weight for yourself and even more proud that you are a recovering addict. You're husband needs to open his eyes and see your accomplishments!

MelsAuntie

My hubby never liked the idea of my getting a tattoo. After Mikal and Mel moved in I wanted to commemorate how great it was as a family of four, so I designed a family logo. My husband loved the design. HE was thinking t-shirts; I got it tattooed on my upper arm, without telling anyone, and did a reveal at the dinner table. My niece immediately wanted to get one too, and eventually all four of us got the same family logo tattoo. Once it was done, hubby liked it, especially since he had liked the design before it was a tattoo. Now he says his is better than mine, because his is a little bigger ( he has bigger arms than me) and his has hair growing out of it. (yeah, right...)
As for pain, this was my first tattoo and so far only. I never found it painful, never had the urge to flinch or pull away at all. It was a pressure and a buzzing, nothing worse. Here it is on my profile picture.

WhitneySheree88

It is your body do with it as you wish, but don't lie to him about it and don't do something like that behind his back. Tell him, if he gets pissed OH WELL. He will get over it. You wouldn't want him going behind your back and doing something permanent to himself without you knowing.

I think doing it behind his back is just asking for extra unnecessary drama.

ItsCasey

I'd tell him. I'd also tell him that it is your decision to do with your body as you see fit.

The day my husband tells me I'm not allowed to do something (obviously not cheating, or along those lines), is the day he can kiss my *kitten*.
We make compromises, we make things work. (I have 6 tattoos - profile pic is my newest from Friday - he has 2 - one is a progressing arm piece. So no arguments here!)

I remember a friend telling me that her boyfriend didn't let her wear makeup and she couldn't wear any type of tight clothing - had to be baggy tshirts and jeans. Red flags!! She had to ask permission to wear a dress and makeup to a wedding. Hell. No. Not in my lifetime!

Husbands and boyfriends are different. Tattoos and clothes are different.

Your HUSBAND has a right to an opinion about you making PERMANENT changes to your body, as you have the right to an opinion about him doing the same. It's not about asking for permission like a child wanting to stay out past curfew. It's about having enough respect for him and your marriage to at least listen to how he feels before you do something drastic. If you don't want to give him that respect, you shouldn't have married him.

highervibes

Yeah, after thinking about it more and reading the responses it definitely would have been a d i c k move on my part. I'm definitely going to tell him, but I'm not asking for his permission..

But what are you going to tell him, that you made an appointment and you're going regardless of what he says and how he feels? That's just like not telling him until the last minute.

Be an adult. Sit down with him and discuss your reasons for getting it and let him discuss his reasons for not wanting you to get one. And by discuss I mean talk not scream and yell at each other.

In the end you need to decide whether or not getting a tattoo is really worth having your husband look at you differently and feel tension whenever he sees your tattoo. It seems like this is a lose/lose situation in that you're going to do what you want regardless.

This is sort of a catch 22. On the one hand he won't consider my feelings of really wanting to get one and on the other hand I won't be respecting his if I do get one. So I'm not exactly sure how we decide who gets the **** end of the stick here. Perhaps by speaking with him about it in advance and including him he will take me seriously.

KristinD1977

Not telling = very bad idea.
Sure, the choice is yours when it comes right down to it but you should factor his feelings into the decision. If he treats you with respect then he absolutely deserves the same in return.
If it's on your bucket list then find a way for him to understand how much it means to you, maybe there is something that you are opposed to but he is interested in that you could offer in compromise.... also, if you can get him used to the idea and then let him help you design something special that he won't find trashy then hopefully it can be something that you both love.

alisonlynn1976

Tell, of course. Ask for permission, no freaking way.

Doesn't sound like the healthiest relationship you've got there.

highervibes

Tell, of course. Ask for permission, no freaking way.

Doesn't sound like the healthiest relationship you've got there.

Why would you say that, because I considered making a mistake?

M00NPYE

My husband once mentioned in a casual conversation that he would like a portrait of his deceased father tattooed on him... :noway: Please just talk to him about what you want, why it's important to you and perhaps if he feels he participated in some way on the decision, (design/placement) he will deal with it better than, "Surprise hun!" Good luck!

skullshank

Yeah, after thinking about it more and reading the responses it definitely would have been a d i c k move on my part. I'm definitely going to tell him, but I'm not asking for his permission..

OP...you are awesome.

this is SUCH a rarity on these boards...im just speechless for once in my life.

just, well done OP.