Is it appropriate for my boyfriend to ask me to pay him to live with him?
Replies
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jennybearlv wrote: »Bottom line I just finished talking with my boyfriend and I told him point blank that I am not giving him a cent if he wants me to live with him. I also told him that if we get married I will not pay for food or anything else because he should take care of me and he said that he prefers it that way. I also told him that I am willing to clean and cook sometimes but he can't count on it. Right now we are still hanging out so I will get back to you guys later.
I'm glad you got that sorted out. In the meantime don't let him spend any of your money and see if he is serious. Go half or let him pay. If you move in together and he pays for everything put most of your paycheck into savings or investments. It isn't fair that you go on shopping sprees while he pays the bills. If you have money put away you have something to fall back on if things don't work out. If you do get married and you end up staying home you have something to live off of in case he ever loses his job.
Thank you. Jasiek gets paid tomorrow so he will pay me back the money that he owes me. The thing is that if I didn't marry Jasiek I would still live off of my parents so this is not about money. I will not have to pay for living somewhere in any case. However I would have a bad taste in my mouth if he expected me to pay him to live with him as if I was doing him a favour. Bottom line he is a man and he should not be asking me for money. I will get him birthday and Christmas presents though. My parents will probably continue topping up my brokerage account. The thing is that my parents had said to me in the past that in the future if I got married they would consider buying a house for me and my husband to live in, but I don't see why my parents should have to pay for it. At the end of the day men are supposed to be the caretakers so I would rather live in a small flat that Jasiek is paying for. I hope I am making sense.1 -
Avocado_AS5 wrote: »Yeah.... how long have you been dating? Maybe ask him if he means splitting the rent and living together? I'm gonna back out of this now. I'm soooo not qualified to give any relationship advice.
Way too cynical. hahaha
Please don't laugh but we've only been together for 3 weeks, we are both emotional people. And by the way the reason I am so broke now is that he spent a loooot of my money, I didn't even keep track....so I'm not using him at all!
What kind of stuff did he buy with your money? How long did you know him before you handed him your credit card?
Hi, well what I mean is that I went to some museums and parks with him and they cost money like the aquarium but he didn't have money as he hadn't started working so I had to pay for him. I also had to put money on his Oyster card as well and I topped up his phone 20 pounds. I would say I had known him for a few days before we started sightseeing.
This just sounds worse and worse the more you explain
I think you mean better and better
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deputy_randolph wrote: »There are a lot of responses...not sure if OP is still reading, but I'll give an example:
My husband and I have lived together for 16 years (2 years before we got married). When we graduated from college, I had a job immediately; I paid the rent for a couple of months. My husband soon got a much higher paying job. He paid the rent, and we split the utilities.
I started graduate school and worked part-time, he continued paying rent, and I paid for a smaller portion of the utilities. We got married, bought a house, had 2 kids, and I stayed at home with kids for 9 years. He obviously paid for everything during this time, but I budgeted and kept household costs to a minimum.
I've started working part-time and use my income to pay for the kids' activities.
Yes, you SHOULD pay something to live with your bf. Does it have to be split down the middle? No. It should be fair...if he makes more $ maybe he should pay for more...but you should contribute financially.
That is wonderful that your kids are engaging in extracurricular activities, I'm sure you are a great mum and congrats on your new job
The thing is that I told Jasiek point blank that I'm not paying him one pence. I should not have to do so, he has a job and bottom line if he wants to be with me that is his choice, the alternative is that he can find someone who works. He said that I am right and that the way I feel makes sense. He tends to say that in response to everything I say but I had to stand up for myself. Earlier today he was saying to me that we could get married and he asked me if I wanted to do it at a church or something and I said to him let's first give notice at the registrar and stuff. He has been telling our friends that we are trying to get married. He is very nice to me so I will try to be nice to him as well, a patient person who does not lose their temper.
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Yeah.... how long have you been dating? Maybe ask him if he means splitting the rent and living together? I'm gonna back out of this now. I'm soooo not qualified to give any relationship advice. Way too cynical. hahaha
Please don't laugh but we've only been together for 3 weeks, we are both emotional people. And by the way the reason I am so broke now is that he spent a loooot of my money, I didn't even keep track....so I'm not using him at all!
OK, time out. You guys should not be moving in with each other. And if you are both the type of person who is willing to uproot his/her life for someone you barely know (I know you don't think you barely know him but, trust me, you barely know him), you honestly shouldn't be together. Do some growing up (I'm assuming you are early 20s and God help you if you are 30+), date some guys who don't have the exact same immaturity/quirks as you, and for the love of all that is good, never move in with someone who hasn't even farted in front of you yet.
You're right I got into a relationship with him the 2nd day I knew him but he is from Poland and I have been in that community for a long time and I think that things happen faster in this culture. I am 29 yes. And he has farted in front of me and snored which has made it hard for me to sleep so honestly it may be best if I don't live with him if he expects me to pay him!
You should be holding out for the Prince from Nigeria!4 -
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Yeah.... how long have you been dating? Maybe ask him if he means splitting the rent and living together? I'm gonna back out of this now. I'm soooo not qualified to give any relationship advice. Way too cynical. hahaha
Please don't laugh but we've only been together for 3 weeks, we are both emotional people. And by the way the reason I am so broke now is that he spent a loooot of my money, I didn't even keep track....so I'm not using him at all!
OK, time out. You guys should not be moving in with each other. And if you are both the type of person who is willing to uproot his/her life for someone you barely know (I know you don't think you barely know him but, trust me, you barely know him), you honestly shouldn't be together. Do some growing up (I'm assuming you are early 20s and God help you if you are 30+), date some guys who don't have the exact same immaturity/quirks as you, and for the love of all that is good, never move in with someone who hasn't even farted in front of you yet.
You're right I got into a relationship with him the 2nd day I knew him but he is from Poland and I have been in that community for a long time and I think that things happen faster in this culture. I am 29 yes. And he has farted in front of me and snored which has made it hard for me to sleep so honestly it may be best if I don't live with him if he expects me to pay him!
You should be holding out for the Prince from Nigeria!
I thought he was the Prince of Nigeria1 -
Avocado_AS5 wrote: »Yeah.... how long have you been dating? Maybe ask him if he means splitting the rent and living together? I'm gonna back out of this now. I'm soooo not qualified to give any relationship advice. Way too cynical. hahaha
Please don't laugh but we've only been together for 3 weeks, we are both emotional people. And by the way the reason I am so broke now is that he spent a loooot of my money, I didn't even keep track....so I'm not using him at all!
What kind of stuff did he buy with your money? How long did you know him before you handed him your credit card?
Hi, well what I mean is that I went to some museums and parks with him and they cost money like the aquarium but he didn't have money as he hadn't started working so I had to pay for him. I also had to put money on his Oyster card as well and I topped up his phone 20 pounds. I would say I had known him for a few days before we started sightseeing.
This just sounds worse and worse the more you explain
I think you mean better and better
Yes - depending on the perspective. I'm just in disbelief....like, *wow*...0 -
lisawolfinger wrote: »Married and have always helped with the bills. My husband is even a six figure wage earner. I don't make peanuts myself but not nearly his salary...yet we PROPORTIONETLY share household bills. He is a good man and terrific father and deserves to have me contribute, regardless of income difference. Could I not pay...sure! I just have more respect for him then to laden him with all the expenses when I am capable. I also have more respect for myself. I would feel like such a moocher.
Different if you have talked and have an agreement...like not working while attending Grad school or caring for kids, but in reality, this is not the 1950's. If you wanted to be treated like a modern women, then be one...pay up.
My bigger question-what is going on with the OPs emotions that makes her consider this is a business arrangement? I think that whole thing needs to be checked. Insecurity is the out cry of deeper issues in a relationship.
Bottom line this is not about money because I could be getting plenty of money from my parents if I asked them for it. I am a little broke right now because I spent 2 months' money from my parents because I was sightseeing like crazy and bought a lot of souvenirs, but in the long run this is not about money. I will have less money with Jasiek than with my parents and on vacations we will have to go to cheap places since he works in construction. However it is a matter of principle, I would feel extremely uncomfortable if he expected me to pay if we went somewhere. I mean I would like to go with him to America in the future so we can go to Disneyland but it would be incredibly inappropriate of him to expect me to pay for my own ticket or worse, for his one, so even though my parents wouldn't mind paying for it we will probably have to stay in London but we may go to Poland from time to time.
It is nice of you to contribute to the bills and stuff and it is wonderful that your husband is such a good guy
I will do nice things for Jasiek though, sometimes I might look up a recipe and make it and I will say nice things to him which I currently do. Plus I helped him out big time when I went with him to the job centre because he does not know English so I helped him. Another time he was in trouble and I helped him out as well. Also when we went to the London aquarium, London Dungeon, and Greenwich he was really happy looking at all the stuff there. So I can plan places to go to that would be enjoyable but he is deluded if he thinks I am going to pay for it, yes I did pay for him before when he was not working but now that he has a job he has no right to ask me for 1 pence.
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xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »Avocado_AS5 wrote: »Yeah.... how long have you been dating? Maybe ask him if he means splitting the rent and living together? I'm gonna back out of this now. I'm soooo not qualified to give any relationship advice. Way too cynical. hahaha
Please don't laugh but we've only been together for 3 weeks, we are both emotional people. And by the way the reason I am so broke now is that he spent a loooot of my money, I didn't even keep track....so I'm not using him at all!
What kind of stuff did he buy with your money? How long did you know him before you handed him your credit card?
Hi, well what I mean is that I went to some museums and parks with him and they cost money like the aquarium but he didn't have money as he hadn't started working so I had to pay for him. I also had to put money on his Oyster card as well and I topped up his phone 20 pounds. I would say I had known him for a few days before we started sightseeing.
Sounds like he's using you. But, I still stand by my comment of it being equal partnership. Not one or the other paying for everything.
Actually I don't think he is using me as he gets paid tomorrow and I have his bank card and pin number so I plan on withdrawing the money that he owes me. When we do move into somewhere I plan on purchasing flowers.
In essence Jasiek works 8 pm - 5 pm daily approximately in construction 5 days a week and then for me I wake up, go to the gym, read books from the library, hang out with people during the day, and then meet up with Jasiek. Sometimes I also study Polish, I listen to music and watch TV as well.0 -
jennybearlv wrote: »xFunctionalStrengthx wrote: »jennybearlv wrote: »Bottom line I just finished talking with my boyfriend and I told him point blank that I am not giving him a cent if he wants me to live with him. I also told him that if we get married I will not pay for food or anything else because he should take care of me and he said that he prefers it that way. I also told him that I am willing to clean and cook sometimes but he can't count on it. Right now we are still hanging out so I will get back to you guys later.
I'm glad you got that sorted out. In the meantime don't let him spend any of your money and see if he is serious. Go half or let him pay. If you move in together and he pays for everything put most of your paycheck into savings or investments. It isn't fair that you go on shopping sprees while he pays the bills. If you have money put away you have something to fall back on if things don't work out. If you do get married and you end up staying home you have something to live off of in case he ever loses his job.
No. Just no. Why should one person work and bank all their money while the other pays for everything? *kitten* that.
It's a partnership. Meaning share bills, share work around the house, etc.
Life's not fair and partnerships are never equal. Most women still do the majority of housework and caring for children and the elderly while earning less than men at work. If you want to split all chores and financial responsibilities 50/50, good for you. But, when did saving money become a bad idea?
Saving money is a good thing. But, for one to not put any financial effort into a relationship while saving all theirs and the other pays for everything isn't right. Because it sets a precedence when/if a divorce occurs. I don't care if someone makes a small percentage of what the other does, still should be some financial responsibility.
Just like I think there should also be equal amounts of work done. The exception to this is if there's a work difference. For example, if one works part-time, then they should do more than the other to help offset the time the other is commuting or working. If there's an agreement that one stays at home while the other does financial support, then there's a significant different in amount of time doing work around the house.
Yes, life's not fair and partnerships are never equal. I tried to explain this to my ex when she'd *kitten* about my not helping to do the dishes, bathroom or vacuum when I had a one hour commute each way, worked 10+ hours a day, did all of the outside work such as mowing, shoveling snow (not just ours but two other neighbor driveways because they were elderly and had medical complications), as well as did the laundry. Oh, and did I mention repair the cars and other things? She worked a mile away, and for maybe ten hours a week. She also "worked" for free, which we never agreed upon.
Yeah, *kitten* that *kitten*.1 -
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Wut?0
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lisawolfinger wrote: »Married and have always helped with the bills. My husband is even a six figure wage earner. I don't make peanuts myself but not nearly his salary...yet we PROPORTIONETLY share household bills. He is a good man and terrific father and deserves to have me contribute, regardless of income difference. Could I not pay...sure! I just have more respect for him then to laden him with all the expenses when I am capable. I also have more respect for myself. I would feel like such a moocher.
Different if you have talked and have an agreement...like not working while attending Grad school or caring for kids, but in reality, this is not the 1950's. If you wanted to be treated like a modern women, then be one...pay up.
My bigger question-what is going on with the OPs emotions that makes her consider this is a business arrangement? I think that whole thing needs to be checked. Insecurity is the out cry of deeper issues in a relationship.
Bottom line this is not about money because I could be getting plenty of money from my parents if I asked them for it. I am a little broke right now because I spent 2 months' money from my parents because I was sightseeing like crazy and bought a lot of souvenirs, but in the long run this is not about money. I will have less money with Jasiek than with my parents and on vacations we will have to go to cheap places since he works in construction. However it is a matter of principle, I would feel extremely uncomfortable if he expected me to pay if we went somewhere. I mean I would like to go with him to America in the future so we can go to Disneyland but it would be incredibly inappropriate of him to expect me to pay for my own ticket or worse, for his one, so even though my parents wouldn't mind paying for it we will probably have to stay in London but we may go to Poland from time to time.
It is nice of you to contribute to the bills and stuff and it is wonderful that your husband is such a good guy
I will do nice things for Jasiek though, sometimes I might look up a recipe and make it and I will say nice things to him which I currently do. Plus I helped him out big time when I went with him to the job centre because he does not know English so I helped him. Another time he was in trouble and I helped him out as well. Also when we went to the London aquarium, London Dungeon, and Greenwich he was really happy looking at all the stuff there. So I can plan places to go to that would be enjoyable but he is deluded if he thinks I am going to pay for it, yes I did pay for him before when he was not working but now that he has a job he has no right to ask me for 1 pence.
You life sounds so hard, 29 and expecting to live off your boyfriend for free or take money and live off your parents for free.
How about you contribute to the relationship? I would have never moved in with my boyfriend expecting to not pay half the expenses. I guess financial responsibility is not a thing where you come from.3 -
A guy that’s known you less a month has given you his bank account and pin? Girl, he dumb5
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lisawolfinger wrote: »Married and have always helped with the bills. My husband is even a six figure wage earner. I don't make peanuts myself but not nearly his salary...yet we PROPORTIONETLY share household bills. He is a good man and terrific father and deserves to have me contribute, regardless of income difference. Could I not pay...sure! I just have more respect for him then to laden him with all the expenses when I am capable. I also have more respect for myself. I would feel like such a moocher.
Different if you have talked and have an agreement...like not working while attending Grad school or caring for kids, but in reality, this is not the 1950's. If you wanted to be treated like a modern women, then be one...pay up.
My bigger question-what is going on with the OPs emotions that makes her consider this is a business arrangement? I think that whole thing needs to be checked. Insecurity is the out cry of deeper issues in a relationship.
Bottom line this is not about money because I could be getting plenty of money from my parents if I asked them for it. I am a little broke right now because I spent 2 months' money from my parents because I was sightseeing like crazy and bought a lot of souvenirs, but in the long run this is not about money. I will have less money with Jasiek than with my parents and on vacations we will have to go to cheap places since he works in construction. However it is a matter of principle, I would feel extremely uncomfortable if he expected me to pay if we went somewhere. I mean I would like to go with him to America in the future so we can go to Disneyland but it would be incredibly inappropriate of him to expect me to pay for my own ticket or worse, for his one, so even though my parents wouldn't mind paying for it we will probably have to stay in London but we may go to Poland from time to time.
It is nice of you to contribute to the bills and stuff and it is wonderful that your husband is such a good guy
I will do nice things for Jasiek though, sometimes I might look up a recipe and make it and I will say nice things to him which I currently do. Plus I helped him out big time when I went with him to the job centre because he does not know English so I helped him. Another time he was in trouble and I helped him out as well. Also when we went to the London aquarium, London Dungeon, and Greenwich he was really happy looking at all the stuff there. So I can plan places to go to that would be enjoyable but he is deluded if he thinks I am going to pay for it, yes I did pay for him before when he was not working but now that he has a job he has no right to ask me for 1 pence.
You life sounds so hard, 29 and expecting to live off your boyfriend for free or take money and live off your parents for free.
How about you contribute to the relationship? I would have never moved in with my boyfriend expecting to not pay half the expenses. I guess financial responsibility is not a thing where you come from.
It is nice that you are living with your boyfriend
I do contribute to the relationship by speaking English (Jasiek can't speak English at all), telling Jasiek that I love him, spending time with him, and coming up with cool places to go to like parks and museums.0 -
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WhereIsPJSoles wrote: »A guy that’s known you less a month has given you his bank account and pin? Girl, he dumb
Haha well honestly I think he SHOULD give me that since we are together so in principle you would think I would be able to buy things if he has leftover money after paying the rent. Not that I want to buy anything other than flowers but for example when I live with him I shouldn't have to ask my parents for money for food etc since at that point I will be a grown up so I should not need money from my parents.0 -
Haha no xD0 -
hahaha sounds like Jasiek is getting the bad end of this deal.2
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WhereIsPJSoles wrote: »A guy that’s known you less a month has given you his bank account and pin? Girl, he dumb
Haha well honestly I think he SHOULD give me that since we are together so in principle you would think I would be able to buy things if he has leftover money after paying the rent. Not that I want to buy anything other than flowers but for example when I live with him I shouldn't have to ask my parents for money for food etc since at that point I will be a grown up so I should not need money from my parents.
You are a grown up so you should not need money from your boyfriend either.....2 -
Bebe you’re 29, you been had grownup status.4
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Ah, I get it...spoiled rich girl still getting an allowance from her parents at age 29...3
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lisawolfinger wrote: »Married and have always helped with the bills. My husband is even a six figure wage earner. I don't make peanuts myself but not nearly his salary...yet we PROPORTIONETLY share household bills. He is a good man and terrific father and deserves to have me contribute, regardless of income difference. Could I not pay...sure! I just have more respect for him then to laden him with all the expenses when I am capable. I also have more respect for myself. I would feel like such a moocher.
Different if you have talked and have an agreement...like not working while attending Grad school or caring for kids, but in reality, this is not the 1950's. If you wanted to be treated like a modern women, then be one...pay up.
My bigger question-what is going on with the OPs emotions that makes her consider this is a business arrangement? I think that whole thing needs to be checked. Insecurity is the out cry of deeper issues in a relationship.
Bottom line this is not about money because I could be getting plenty of money from my parents if I asked them for it. I am a little broke right now because I spent 2 months' money from my parents because I was sightseeing like crazy and bought a lot of souvenirs, but in the long run this is not about money. I will have less money with Jasiek than with my parents and on vacations we will have to go to cheap places since he works in construction. However it is a matter of principle, I would feel extremely uncomfortable if he expected me to pay if we went somewhere. I mean I would like to go with him to America in the future so we can go to Disneyland but it would be incredibly inappropriate of him to expect me to pay for my own ticket or worse, for his one, so even though my parents wouldn't mind paying for it we will probably have to stay in London but we may go to Poland from time to time.
It is nice of you to contribute to the bills and stuff and it is wonderful that your husband is such a good guy
I will do nice things for Jasiek though, sometimes I might look up a recipe and make it and I will say nice things to him which I currently do. Plus I helped him out big time when I went with him to the job centre because he does not know English so I helped him. Another time he was in trouble and I helped him out as well. Also when we went to the London aquarium, London Dungeon, and Greenwich he was really happy looking at all the stuff there. So I can plan places to go to that would be enjoyable but he is deluded if he thinks I am going to pay for it, yes I did pay for him before when he was not working but now that he has a job he has no right to ask me for 1 pence.
You life sounds so hard, 29 and expecting to live off your boyfriend for free or take money and live off your parents for free.
How about you contribute to the relationship? I would have never moved in with my boyfriend expecting to not pay half the expenses. I guess financial responsibility is not a thing where you come from.
It is nice that you are living with your boyfriend
I do contribute to the relationship by speaking English (Jasiek can't speak English at all), telling Jasiek that I love him, spending time with him, and coming up with cool places to go to like parks and museums.
While livin off your parents' money.
Call me stupid. But, if your life is that well off, and he's not working or making much and you're paying for things now (from money your parents give you), I'm thinking he's setting himself up to live well for the rest of his life.
I'd say you're going to get taken. Best to cut 'n run now while you can.0 -
WhereIsPJSoles wrote: »A guy that’s known you less a month has given you his bank account and pin? Girl, he dumb
Haha well honestly I think he SHOULD give me that since we are together so in principle you would think I would be able to buy things if he has leftover money after paying the rent. Not that I want to buy anything other than flowers but for example when I live with him I shouldn't have to ask my parents for money for food etc since at that point I will be a grown up so I should not need money from my parents.
Do we use the phrase "jumped the shark" around here? We totally should. If ever a thread has qualified for that phrase, this is it, and I believe this post right here is the actual moment of sharkjumpiosity.3 -
TeacupsAndToning wrote: »Have you never paid rent before?
It's not rent, he said the words "you need to pay me to live with me" which makes it sound like he wants to be paid to be in a relationship with me. That made me uneasy. Also I already have my own place right now so why should I pay him even more?
I'm pretty broke and the place would just be sitting empty, he does not want to live here.
If he uses the words "You need to pay me to live with me"... then no.
That's a red flag in my opinion. if he said, lets get a place and split it and live together, that is a whole other and totally acceptable story.
But "You need to pay me to live with me"? The hell I do. Pay me and move into my place, damn it.
That's what I'm saying he used the words I need to pay him. If he would have said okay so the rent is X and you can pay half, that would be fine but when he said I need to pay him, it sounded as if it was a transaction. Maybe I'm overreacting. I'm going to wait and see but at this point I'd rather be single than pay to be in a relationship with someone.
Pay your share. End of story.0 -
I’m thinking jasiek who has been employed for all of 2 weeks may disappoint you and I fear that you won’t come back here and update us on the saga1
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I seriously doubt OP is 29 or a grown up.10
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Just_J_Now wrote: »I seriously doubt OP is 29 or a grown up.
Yeah, I question that too...
ETA: that said, my sister was friends with this chick who was from a very well off family...she was basically a little princess that never had to do anything for herself and was getting an allowance in her 30s...she was very much out of touch with reality and sounds a bit like this OP in many ways...but on the other hand, she would have never even thought about dating riff raff like a construction worker...1 -
Of course you need to split expenses. You are not a child, adults pay their own way. Even when married you split expenses. Do not expect anyone to support you as if you were 10 years old.0
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Wait...What?? this is a joke right?? In what universe don't you pay your share of the living expenses??? I'm sure once you let him know you expect to be "kept" he will run for the hills1
This discussion has been closed.
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