Dating a Divorced, Older Man

Hungry_Shopgirl

karsei01 wrote: »

Hi!

This is one for me!

I am like your guy. I was 36, and just devorced ( after 14 years marriage, and two children ( at that time 11 and 2,5)).
I am a shy person, not dated to many ( only two before), and am/was a person who never shoved feelings, had problems being openly motional, and so on.

One day, when picking up my daughter from kindergarden, I saw a girl, just in a blink. And I was lost. Looked for a couple of days to see if I could see her again, and found her after a week. Beeing shy, it took three months of just looking before dearing to speak.

We connected instantly.

She was 23.

We're married now, only two weeks shy of a year. We have a beautifull daughter together.
I never think about the difference in age, she has other life experiences, and we complete each other.

I can offer many things guys her age can't, and my kids really love her (even my exwife thinks she's perfect).

My friends, who some of them was sceptical, has apologized to her. They all see that I am happy.
I've opened up. I can show emotions, I can comment her beauty in public, heck I even kiss out on the streets.

For me she's perfect, and I am greatfull every day!

Except for the divorce and the age difference, IMHO your situations are nothing alike. You met someone you liked, pursued her, tried to be a better man for her, married her.

OP's guy, on the other hand, is in a relationship that is stable but really going nowhere. My take is that he likes the stability of having a girlfriend but isn't actually truly interested in pursuing her the way you pursued your wife.

The movie "He's not that into you" comes to mind.

Momepro

Unconditional love is great, but not if you don't both share it.You can't build your life on hoping that he will change his mind and decide to proclaim his everlasting live for you. Love is a two way street, and if you are always running after him, then maybe it's time to reevaluate what you want, need and deserve, and what you're settling for because it is easier than leaving, and trying to meet new people again, and risking outright rejections.

WhisperingNighthawk

Some people just aren't complimentary, especially if they were never given any affirmation themselves. In the same way some people don't purchase gifts or give you flowers or make a big deal over special occasions. But it doesn't mean they don't care or that they don't think you look really nice. It may just be his personality and if you care about him you may have to accept it.

If you're really happy with your relationship, try not to take it personally, which I know is hard. Instead, pay more attention to his behavior. It sounds like he really cares about you. As they say actions speak louder than words.

Just be confident in yourself, and if he cares even a little bit, he will help you in doing that. If you guys have a strong relationship, then affirmations shouldn't be a major concern, although it is always nice to recieve a compliment. If you really care about him and he makes you happy give him some more time, it's only been 9 months. He may just come around!

ninerbuff

Just my opinion...................I've trained a lot of divorced guys (they're trying to get back into shape to get back into the game), and many times we converse about getting remarried......................I have yet have to talk to one that ever wanted to. And this is over 20 years of doing this.

A.C.E. Certified Personal and Group Fitness Trainer
IDEA Fitness member
Kickboxing Certified Instructor
Been in fitness for 30 years and have studied kinesiology and nutrition

swagoner94

Thanks everyone. I think I will set a "deadline" in my own mind with little non-nagging nudges every now and then, and encouragement when he does show some improvement. If there's no significant change by that time-frame, I will do the hard task of moving on amicably.

I know you're all strangers but I sincerely appreciate your honest advice.

TavistockToad

swagoner94 wrote: »

Thanks everyone. I think I will set a "deadline" in my own mind with little non-nagging nudges every now and then, and encouragement when he does show some improvement. If there's no significant change by that time-frame, I will do the hard task of moving on amicably.

I know you're all strangers but I sincerely appreciate your honest advice.

As long as you know that it will come across as nagging... :laugh:

ByteLily

If he loved you, he would say so.
People in love don't find it hard to tell their partners that, people in love don't reject their partners needs of affirmation. He told you straight up. But you love him and hope he will change his mind about it. Did you come here looking for hope and affirmation? Get a good guy who wants the same as you. I don't mean to seem callous but this gut is in a rebound and you are the one getting shafted here.

Cutemesoon

DAMAGEDG00DS wrote: »

tl;dr but all I can say is don't get pregnant

Best advice on this whole thread!

LivingtheLeanDream

Some guys just don't find it easy to compliment, flatter or be openly affectionate. For him it's once bitten, twice shy so it's understandable he's going to want to take things slowly.
I realise that doesn't help you, but you're going to have to be patient I feel.

swagoner94

Update: he says the question for him is not, “Is Alicia a great person.” He says I’m a host of wonderful things. He listed witty, beautiful, compassionate, kind, etc. (one of maybe two times he’s ever said those things about me). he says it’s not a question of even, “Do I love Alicia?” He says he knows that answer. He’s never said this but I think he’s inferring that he does(?). He says his question is, do I want to be married again? As this is important to me. And he doesn’t know. He knows it’s unfair. He doesn’t want to breakup. But he just doesn’t know.

I told him 1. He should’ve told me this at the very beginning. And 2. No it’s not fair. And nothing will change if nothing changes. He’s not doing anything to help himself figure it out. I don’t think he’s ever emotionally even dealt with his divorce from two years ago. I don’t know that he’ll just suddenly and miraculously be able to answer that question for himself. And I’m concerned after hearing some people hear say that when they met the right person, they were open to it again. That’s what caused them to know again. Well he’s met me and known me for 10 months so, I’m not that person.

Thanks again, everyone! Even the responses I didn’t like... I’m grateful for them. Happy weight loss, fitness, and health journeys to you all!

Diatonic12

You're coworkers. Do or would you know if this relationship makes others uncomfortable in your workplace. Workplace romances can cause tension. Do you keep it strictly professional or is their connection at the workplace, do you ultimately have the same boss. All this matters. If it should come to an end, usually, someone is going out the door due to hard feelings or the boss. Your livelihood and supporting yourself is #1.

I think you should drop it like it's hot and cut your losses now. Love language means little when you're out looking for another job. I think there's too many red flags here for your heart.

swagoner94

Mari22na wrote: »

You're coworkers. Do or would you know if this relationship makes others uncomfortable in your workplace. Workplace romances can cause tension. Do you keep it strictly professional or is their connection at the workplace, do you ultimately have the same boss. All this matters. If it should come to an end, usually, someone is going out the door due to hard feelings or the boss. Your livelihood and supporting yourself is #1.

I think you should drop it like it's hot and cut your losses now. Love language means little when you're out looking for another job. I think there's too many red flags here for your heart.

Mari22na wrote: »

You're coworkers. Do or would you know if this relationship makes others uncomfortable in your workplace. Workplace romances can cause tension. Do you keep it strictly professional or is their connection at the workplace, do you ultimately have the same boss. All this matters. If it should come to an end, usually, someone is going out the door due to hard feelings or the boss. Your livelihood and supporting yourself is #1.

I think you should drop it like it's hot and cut your losses now. Love language means little when you're out looking for another job. I think there's too many red flags here for your heart.

Hi! Thanks. We’d be fine at work. Different bosses. No direct relation between my area and his. We keep it pretty professional. I’m sure people have picked up on it though. HR knows. Studio heads know. No problems.

Diatonic12

Alrighty then. Report back. I know what you want.

PAFC84

I have a different opinion than the others I've read so far. I don't think he has commitment issues because his actions all speak to the fact that he likes you and wants to spend time with you. He hasn't verabalised his feelings because he is being cautious in case things don't work out again. I think maybe he just needs more time. I also think you could work on your need for verbal affirmation as it seems to be stopping you from fully appreciating his actions towards you.

PAFC84

I've never understood this need people feel to get married. Marriage doesn't make a relationship great or a love deeper, that's just a perception; if the relationship is good, then what does it matter whether you're married or not? Do you love him or the idea of marriage? It sounds like it is the second one you're more in love with, to be honest; the idea of marriage over the reality of him.