He's/She's Just Not That Into You

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  • Unknown
    Unknown
    edited August 2018
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  • FireVixen_Fayth
    FireVixen_Fayth Posts: 154 Member
    If they are ignorant, antilgbt, controlling, narcissistic, unhygienic, super religious (I don't mind religion but don't force it down my throat and use it to judge others), and extreme political views. That's about it.
  • mustacheU2Lift
    mustacheU2Lift Posts: 5,844 Member
    SurfyPantsAgainAgain wrote: »
    2Racks wrote: »
    Does height really matter, just curious I’m 5’8, but I feel I might be missing out on some potential matches.

    No, height does not matter, well, at least not to me.

    I do prefer my lover to be bigger and heavier than me though.

    I do like a tall guy. But I date all heights.
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  • mustacheU2Lift
    mustacheU2Lift Posts: 5,844 Member
    iMago wrote: »
    if she asks about your past, and then says something like "wow you should just date better girls"...

    100% guaranteed she does the same sort of thing as those girls from the past.
    it's a red flag for me personally at least.
    just like when they have "not into drama" in their profile, yep they're definitely into drama.

    Haha I agree! When you put 'not into drama' in your profile 1. You are unoriginal and 2. Why the need to say that unless you always have drama surrounding you! And the ghosting term. Unless we've been on several dates and then I disappear...I didn't ghost you...we are chatting deciding if we want to pursue each other...
  • slessofme
    slessofme Posts: 7,744 Member
    Avocado_AS5 wrote: »
    When he ghosts the fck out of you, he just ain't that into you.




    Why do people do this? Why not just give some kind of reason or closure? Anything at all. Are these ghosters all just horrible people? Are they just afraid? I've never understood it. It's cruel.

    There's an article about ghosting in the most recent Psychology Today that is enlightening. Basically, people that ghost have an avoidant attachment style.
  • mustacheU2Lift
    mustacheU2Lift Posts: 5,844 Member
    Avocado_AS5 wrote: »
    Moon_Stone wrote: »
    Avocado_AS5 wrote: »
    When he ghosts the fck out of you, he just ain't that into you.




    Why do people do this? Why not just give some kind of reason or closure? Anything at all. Are these ghosters all just horrible people? Are they just afraid? I've never understood it. It's cruel.

    @Avocado_AS5

    That sucks.

    I think it’s a reflection on the individual doing the ghosting. Maybe they don’t think it will matter to the person or the person won’t care either way. Maybe they have conflict issues and want to avoid conflict. Is it better than a slow fade? I’d like to think I’m not a horrible person but I’ve done this once or twice with non romantic relationship people because I didn’t think it would matter one way or another to them because it seemed like they didn’t care one way or another if when we were friends and I didn’t want to put the effort in a friendship that didn’t feel equal. I think this is about the person ghosting though and not about the person being ghosted. Sorry to derail. It’d be an interesting thread about people’s thoughts on ghosting, slow fading etc.

    I wanted to start a ghosting discussion thread to get some input and opinions, however I was a bad girl and am not mfp allowed to start one at the moment. 😬

    This happened to me recently in a mostly friendship situation and it really bothered me. It sucks because you invest yourself into people and then it feels like you've been thrown away like trash. I understand when people withdraw especially when they're dealing with other issues, I do it too. But to completely ghost and ignore someone like they never existed....it's hurtful. As much as I put up walls to protect myself or act like I'm hard and don't GAF, I am an emotional creature and take it to heart. I question what I did wrong and what is wrong with me that someone can cast me aside like I never was anything.

    This I agree with. It does make you feel like a piece of trash so easily discarded. Being Ghosted by someone you open up to is very painful. For me it definitely keeps me from being willing to take that risk again with others. This would make a great thread.
  • iMago
    iMago Posts: 8,714 Member
    Avocado_AS5 wrote: »
    When he ghosts the fck out of you, he just ain't that into you.




    Why do people do this? Why not just give some kind of reason or closure? Anything at all. Are these ghosters all just horrible people? Are they just afraid? I've never understood it. It's cruel.

    ghosting isn't all that bad. i mean yeah you can disappear and leave them wounded sure...but then you can always just pop back into their life later on down the road when they're least expecting it like nothing ever happened

    hit 'em with that old reliable "sorry my life got crazy and I wasn't in a good place but I'm doing a lot better now..."

    no but seriously I've ghosted and been ghosted. I've only ever tried to ghost someone when I could tell things were getting toxic. I like to think it was the same reasons it was done to me too and so I totally understand it and don't hate the person. I just try to hope they're doing good and remember the parts of them that made me smile instead.
  • Just_Mel_
    Just_Mel_ Posts: 3,992 Member
    Moon_Stone wrote: »
    Avocado_AS5 wrote: »
    Moon_Stone wrote: »
    Avocado_AS5 wrote: »
    When he ghosts the fck out of you, he just ain't that into you.




    Why do people do this? Why not just give some kind of reason or closure? Anything at all. Are these ghosters all just horrible people? Are they just afraid? I've never understood it. It's cruel.

    @Avocado_AS5

    That sucks.

    I think it’s a reflection on the individual doing the ghosting. Maybe they don’t think it will matter to the person or the person won’t care either way. Maybe they have conflict issues and want to avoid conflict. Is it better than a slow fade? I’d like to think I’m not a horrible person but I’ve done this once or twice with non romantic relationship people because I didn’t think it would matter one way or another to them because it seemed like they didn’t care one way or another if when we were friends and I didn’t want to put the effort in a friendship that didn’t feel equal. I think this is about the person ghosting though and not about the person being ghosted. Sorry to derail. It’d be an interesting thread about people’s thoughts on ghosting, slow fading etc.

    I wanted to start a ghosting discussion thread to get some input and opinions, however I was a bad girl and am not mfp allowed to start one at the moment. 😬

    This happened to me recently in a mostly friendship situation and it really bothered me. It sucks because you invest yourself into people and then it feels like you've been thrown away like trash. I understand when people withdraw especially when they're dealing with other issues, I do it too. But to completely ghost and ignore someone like they never existed....it's hurtful. As much as I put up walls to protect myself or act like I'm hard and don't GAF, I am an emotional creature and take it to heart. I question what I did wrong and what is wrong with me that someone can cast me aside like I never was anything.

    You saying this gives me a lot of perspective about my own actions. People that I've thought might've not cared about my action, because they "seem" like they won't get hurt, might've actually got hurt. That bothers me because it's the opposite of what I want to do to someone. Honestly though, I think I'm a coward when I've done this now that I'm looking at it in black and white. I read too much into stuff because of my own trust issues. I know I have these and so I don't get close. It's good and bad because I'd like to be more friendly.

    Mel, Nothing is wrong with you at all. You're amazing. I'm a very emotional person as well and that is exactly why I put my walls up and don't invest time. I have a small circle because I want to invest time in people. If I don't let you in, I can't get hurt and so I run first. It's the person that has the issue. It's not you. I'm going to try to be more direct because I'd feel so hurt if someone did this to me. You posting this helped me see that.

    MFP therapy!
  • jennifer_417
    jennifer_417 Posts: 12,344 Member
    Ghosting can hurt, but I truly believe that there are times when it's the right thing to do. It sucks not knowing why, but let's be honest, do we really want everyone telling us our flaws and why they don't want to be in relationship with us? Sometimes I really think it's better not to know.
  • Unknown
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    edited September 2018
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  • jennifer_417
    jennifer_417 Posts: 12,344 Member
    SurfyPantsAgainAgain wrote: »
    jennifer_417 wrote: »
    Ghosting can hurt, but I truly believe that there are times when it's the right thing to do. It sucks not knowing why, but let's be honest, do we really want everyone telling us our flaws and why they don't want to be in relationship with us? Sometimes I really think it's better not to know.

    I have never been ghosted but have had my trust in someone shaken. It hurts oui. It takes a lot for me to trust someone enough to share myself with them regardless but I can understand ghosting. Sometimes it is better to silently step back than further inflame the situation. But this of course depends on the situation. Unlike you, I do like to engage in a conversation about why the relationship did not work and what my possible flaws might be. I believe people come and go from your life for a reason, and that is, to teach us lessons. But I think in the heat of the break up, it is not the best time for that conversation to occur. It just becomes reactive in my experience.

    In saying all of this, closure is equally important too. Being left in limbo is a lonely, messy place.

    This whole ghosting topic would make a great thread :)

    Well, between some very honest friends and a very skilled counselor, I spend plenty of time discussing my flaws. I'm not advocating avoiding it, I'm just not in favor of taking it on board if it isn't necessary.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    edited September 2018
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  • slessofme
    slessofme Posts: 7,744 Member
    jennifer_417 wrote: »
    Ghosting can hurt, but I truly believe that there are times when it's the right thing to do. It sucks not knowing why, but let's be honest, do we really want everyone telling us our flaws and why they don't want to be in relationship with us? Sometimes I really think it's better not to know.

    I think with a short interaction, it's really easy to end things without ghosting. A reason isn't necessary, but it's courteous to simply say "I don't think we're a good fit after all.".

    If it's a longer interaction then maybe a reason is preferred, but not always required. I was married for 12.5 years. When we seriously discussed ending things it was simply said that we didn't have a viable romantic relationship anymore. I'm trying to be a better person in general, but I don't plan on molding myself into what any specific person wants me to be based on feedback and I wouldn't respect anyone that tried to mold themselves into exactly what I want rather than being the best version of themselves. If we aren't compatible, we aren't - whether we want to be or not.
  • Unknown
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  • jennifer_417
    jennifer_417 Posts: 12,344 Member
    slessofme wrote: »
    jennifer_417 wrote: »
    Ghosting can hurt, but I truly believe that there are times when it's the right thing to do. It sucks not knowing why, but let's be honest, do we really want everyone telling us our flaws and why they don't want to be in relationship with us? Sometimes I really think it's better not to know.

    I think with a short interaction, it's really easy to end things without ghosting. A reason isn't necessary, but it's courteous to simply say "I don't think we're a good fit after all.".

    If it's a longer interaction then maybe a reason is preferred, but not always required. I was married for 12.5 years. When we seriously discussed ending things it was simply said that we didn't have a viable romantic relationship anymore. I'm trying to be a better person in general, but I don't plan on molding myself into what any specific person wants me to be based on feedback and I wouldn't respect anyone that tried to mold themselves into exactly what I want rather than being the best version of themselves. If we aren't compatible, we aren't - whether we want to be or not.

    Certainly, most of time, the right thing to do is to be honest. But there are times when it's simply not emotionally (or physically) safe to do so. If I know that a person is just going to lash out, or lacks the ability to understand, or will refuse to understand, then it's not usually helpful to try to hash it out.
  • Unknown
    Unknown
    edited September 2018
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  • thegunnut26
    thegunnut26 Posts: 15 Member
    Smoking
  • Chele_Belle_
    Chele_Belle_ Posts: 65 Member
    Spitting/horking in front of me. Gag!

    Bad kisser

    If they can’t show affection through touch, like holding hands etc. It doesn’t have to be a smooch fest in public but a little subtle contact is important to me.



  • Bullet_with_Butterfly_Wings
    Bullet_with_Butterfly_Wings Posts: 5,545 Member
    denny_mac wrote: »
    If she won't EVER let there be silence. Even if it's awkward. Sometimes I need silence.

    Especially when they won't let you get a word in edgewise, nothing more obnoxious than trying to have a conversation with someone who is only interested in hearing the sound of their own voice.... I'd put this in the deal breakers thread.
  • tinak33
    tinak33 Posts: 9,883 Member
    Bullet_with_Butterfly_Wings wrote: »
    denny_mac wrote: »
    If she won't EVER let there be silence. Even if it's awkward. Sometimes I need silence.

    Especially when they won't let you get a word in edgewise, nothing more obnoxious than trying to have a conversation with someone who is only interested in hearing the sound of their own voice.... I'd put this in the deal breakers thread.

    Same.
    Or even if you do talk, they don't acknowledge a word you said and completely change the subject. Or interrupt you to change the subject because they have something else on their mind they want to talk about. Nope.
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