Single and Resentful

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  • mustacheU2Lift
    mustacheU2Lift Posts: 5,844 Member
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    caco_ethes wrote: »
    @Versicolour wrote: »
    cqbkaju wrote: »
    I love my wife and I am happy with my married life.
    Things could always be better of course, but life is what happens when you are trying to make other plans.

    Sorry to hear some of you regret the choices you consciously made.
    It is interesting to read that the problems seem to be mostly your spouse's and/or your kids' fault.

    It clearly isn't because you might have failed to adequately communicate your expectations to/of them or set appropriate boundaries or goals.

    Life -married or single- takes work to do well, just like getting fit.
    Life is not a fairy tale and this goes double for "married life"

    Like we say in my field: "If it was easy, everyone would be a black belt (or champion)."

    * My wife approves of this message and concurs.

    Yup. I failed to draw the line the first time he punched me. I take full responsibility for allowing it to get slowly and progressively worse from there. I failed to stand my ground sooner and allowed myself to believe that I was as worthless as he told me I was. But I did eventually become more flexible in the whole 'til death us do part' thing. Especially when it seemed to be my death and sooner than anticipated.

    I am much happier now that I am single again

    Leaving someone is so much less black and white than people realize. It’s hard to write someone off when they’re only terrible some of the time. It’s very easy to absorb blame. And any psychological abuse shapes your view of yourself and it’s not easy to undo years of that in a single instant and say I’m done. They talk about the straw that breaks the camel’s back and that’s just it.. if the entire load is placed in one shot the poor thing would immediately buckle, but when it’s gradual, it just becomes the new norm. Meanwhile you have people telling you to just be more content as a person, reinforcing your belief that it is in fact just you, that you’re both the problem and the solution. Figuring out what’s real and what’s illusion takes a really, really long time.

    I’m glad you figured it out when you did. I think you’re such a strong person and I admire you a lot. Thanks for posting.

    Well said.
  • Versicolour
    Versicolour Posts: 7,164 Member
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    caco_ethes wrote: »
    @Versicolour wrote: »
    cqbkaju wrote: »
    I love my wife and I am happy with my married life.
    Things could always be better of course, but life is what happens when you are trying to make other plans.

    Sorry to hear some of you regret the choices you consciously made.
    It is interesting to read that the problems seem to be mostly your spouse's and/or your kids' fault.

    It clearly isn't because you might have failed to adequately communicate your expectations to/of them or set appropriate boundaries or goals.

    Life -married or single- takes work to do well, just like getting fit.
    Life is not a fairy tale and this goes double for "married life"

    Like we say in my field: "If it was easy, everyone would be a black belt (or champion)."

    * My wife approves of this message and concurs.

    Yup. I failed to draw the line the first time he punched me. I take full responsibility for allowing it to get slowly and progressively worse from there. I failed to stand my ground sooner and allowed myself to believe that I was as worthless as he told me I was. But I did eventually become more flexible in the whole 'til death us do part' thing. Especially when it seemed to be my death and sooner than anticipated.

    I am much happier now that I am single again

    Leaving someone is so much less black and white than people realize. It’s hard to write someone off when they’re only terrible some of the time. It’s very easy to absorb blame. And any psychological abuse shapes your view of yourself and it’s not easy to undo years of that in a single instant and say I’m done. They talk about the straw that breaks the camel’s back and that’s just it.. if the entire load is placed in one shot the poor thing would immediately buckle, but when it’s gradual, it just becomes the new norm. Meanwhile you have people telling you to just be more content as a person, reinforcing your belief that it is in fact just you, that you’re both the problem and the solution. Figuring out what’s real and what’s illusion takes a really, really long time.

    I’m glad you figured it out when you did. I think you’re such a strong person and I admire you a lot. Thanks for posting.

    :smooched: I could not have said it better myself. Thank you. You are also one amazing woman 🤗
  • IHaveMyActTogether
    IHaveMyActTogether Posts: 945 Member
    edited October 2018
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    Versicolour wrote: »
    cqbkaju wrote: »
    I love my wife and I am happy with my married life.
    Things could always be better of course, but life is what happens when you are trying to make other plans.

    Sorry to hear some of you regret the choices you consciously made.
    It is interesting to read that the problems seem to be mostly your spouse's and/or your kids' fault.

    It clearly isn't because you might have failed to adequately communicate your expectations to/of them or set appropriate boundaries or goals.

    Life -married or single- takes work to do well, just like getting fit.
    Life is not a fairy tale and this goes double for "married life"

    Like we say in my field: "If it was easy, everyone would be a black belt (or champion)."

    * My wife approves of this message and concurs.

    Yup. I failed to draw the line the first time he punched me. I take full responsibility for allowing it to get slowly and progressively worse from there. I failed to stand my ground sooner and allowed myself to believe that I was as worthless as he told me I was. But I did eventually become more flexible in the whole 'til death us do part' thing. Especially when it seemed to be my death and sooner than anticipated.

    I am much happier now that I am single again

    It's not your fault. If you don't lock your door, and someone robs the house while you are away, you aren't at fault. It is the fault of the robber.

    There was a competitive MMA woman - like, she literally fought competitively, and was in an abusive relationship. That's like having 15 locks on the door, and still got robbed. It's always the fault of the abuser.

    https://www.msn.com/en-ph/lifestyle/marriage/i-was-an-mma-fighter-e2-80-94-and-a-victim-of-domestic-abuse/ar-BBNRxMi

    I'm sure I mentioned the first thing - if you are physically safe in the relationship. You were not. You were right to leave, and I'm sure that took a lot of courage.

    Best wishes to you.
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,494 Member
    Options
    caco_ethes wrote: »
    @Versicolour wrote: »
    cqbkaju wrote: »
    I love my wife and I am happy with my married life.
    Things could always be better of course, but life is what happens when you are trying to make other plans.

    Sorry to hear some of you regret the choices you consciously made.
    It is interesting to read that the problems seem to be mostly your spouse's and/or your kids' fault.

    It clearly isn't because you might have failed to adequately communicate your expectations to/of them or set appropriate boundaries or goals.

    Life -married or single- takes work to do well, just like getting fit.
    Life is not a fairy tale and this goes double for "married life"

    Like we say in my field: "If it was easy, everyone would be a black belt (or champion)."

    * My wife approves of this message and concurs.

    Yup. I failed to draw the line the first time he punched me. I take full responsibility for allowing it to get slowly and progressively worse from there. I failed to stand my ground sooner and allowed myself to believe that I was as worthless as he told me I was. But I did eventually become more flexible in the whole 'til death us do part' thing. Especially when it seemed to be my death and sooner than anticipated.

    I am much happier now that I am single again

    Leaving someone is so much less black and white than people realize. It’s hard to write someone off when they’re only terrible some of the time. It’s very easy to absorb blame. And any psychological abuse shapes your view of yourself and it’s not easy to undo years of that in a single instant and say I’m done. They talk about the straw that breaks the camel’s back and that’s just it.. if the entire load is placed in one shot the poor thing would immediately buckle, but when it’s gradual, it just becomes the new norm. Meanwhile you have people telling you to just be more content as a person, reinforcing your belief that it is in fact just you, that you’re both the problem and the solution. Figuring out what’s real and what’s illusion takes a really, really long time.

    I’m glad you figured it out when you did. I think you’re such a strong person and I admire you a lot. Thanks for posting.

    Great Post.

    Perfectly Said.





    ... don't get cocky.


  • Versicolour
    Versicolour Posts: 7,164 Member
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    IHaveMyActTogether wrote: »
    Versicolour wrote: »
    cqbkaju wrote: »
    I love my wife and I am happy with my married life.
    Things could always be better of course, but life is what happens when you are trying to make other plans.

    Sorry to hear some of you regret the choices you consciously made.
    It is interesting to read that the problems seem to be mostly your spouse's and/or your kids' fault.

    It clearly isn't because you might have failed to adequately communicate your expectations to/of them or set appropriate boundaries or goals.

    Life -married or single- takes work to do well, just like getting fit.
    Life is not a fairy tale and this goes double for "married life"

    Like we say in my field: "If it was easy, everyone would be a black belt (or champion)."

    * My wife approves of this message and concurs.

    Yup. I failed to draw the line the first time he punched me. I take full responsibility for allowing it to get slowly and progressively worse from there. I failed to stand my ground sooner and allowed myself to believe that I was as worthless as he told me I was. But I did eventually become more flexible in the whole 'til death us do part' thing. Especially when it seemed to be my death and sooner than anticipated.

    I am much happier now that I am single again

    It's not your fault. If you don't lock your door, and someone robs the house while you are away, you aren't at fault. It is the fault of the robber.

    There was a competitive MMA woman - like, she literally fought competitively, and was in an abusive relationship. That's like having 15 locks on the door, and still got robbed. It's always the fault of the abuser.

    https://www.msn.com/en-ph/lifestyle/marriage/i-was-an-mma-fighter-e2-80-94-and-a-victim-of-domestic-abuse/ar-BBNRxMi

    I'm sure I mentioned the first thing - if you are physically safe in the relationship. You were not. You were right to leave, and I'm sure that took a lot of courage.

    Best wishes to you.

    This is so true. Thank you for sharing that. I sometimes feel like I should never have let myself get into that situation; after all, I had a black belt. But I did. But I also got myself out and I deserve another black belt for that!
  • empresssue
    empresssue Posts: 2,977 Member
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    I have been both married and single. There are advantages to each. There are also disadvantages to each. I would not trade my son for the world, so I am glad I got married and he was born out of that relationship. It was very sad when I ended my marriage, but it was best for me and best for my son.

    I am not against getting married again. I learned a lot from both being married and being single again. I know I can take care of me and the kid no matter what. I did have to learn how to be content in both statuses and where to drawn the line. It is different for everyone.

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