Has anyone dated after weight loss?
lunchboxchuck
Posts: 46 Member
I'm a 36f. I lost 50 lbs with OMAD and quitting drinking. I'm single and having a hard time thinking about dating. Despite keeping up with the strength training I've always done, my body looks a lot worse. I feel like at least when I was fat, men expected the stretch marks, but now I'm false advertising. The one guy I did date made fun of my arm skin.
How have you handled this? I feel like I'm going to die alone because I used to like food.
How have you handled this? I feel like I'm going to die alone because I used to like food.
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Replies
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lunchboxchuck wrote: »I'm a 36f. I lost 50 lbs with OMAD and quitting drinking. I'm single and having a hard time thinking about dating. Despite keeping up with the strength training I've always done, my body looks a lot worse. I feel like at least when I was fat, men expected the stretch marks, but now I'm false advertising. The one guy I did date made fun of my arm skin.
How have you handled this? I feel like I'm going to die alone because I used to like food.
Step one would be picking better men.41 -
i have. no one has had the balls to talk about my body.
keep up with the strength training. give time for your skin to recover.6 -
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lunchboxchuck wrote: »
I wasn't trying to be flippant. My point was that some guys suck and I wouldn't let jerks being jerks get you down and discourage you.29 -
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lunchboxchuck wrote: »
Just consider that guy a bullet dodged, and thank your lucky stars he showed his *kitten* before you wasted any more time on him.
ETA be up front about your weight loss, if you feel it's really necessary. If things progress down a more physical path, you can fill in the blanks later, but most people know about loose skin and stretch marks, many of them firsthand.6 -
If you realize that one guy was not a “better man” then why are you letting his ignorant opinions affect your feelings about dating? I have lost half my body weight. Thank goodness I am not in the dating scene, because now I am fit enough to chase that twerp down and give him a piece of my mind (or a piece of something else) when he felt the need to make fun of my success on the first date.
Start by being proud of all your hard work. Be honest with men about how proud you are. The ones who are worth a second date or even a future will be proud of you too!5 -
If you realize that one guy was not a “better man” then why are you letting his ignorant opinions affect your feelings about dating?
Because I don't want to hear those kinds of comments again, nor do I want to imagine that's what guys are thinking about me. I "pass" for a good looking woman with clothes on so I feel like I'm misleading people and setting myself up for this.
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ETA be up front about your weight loss, if you feel it's really necessary. If things progress down a more physical path, you can fill in the blanks later, but most people know about loose skin and stretch marks, many of them firsthand.
Like just say I lost 50 lbs and let them fill in the blanks? Will that sound like bragging? Do I put that in an online dating profile? Or do I say I lost 50 lbs and it isn't great under there?
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He is an a-hole and you will find men like that no matter what you look like. Sounds like you may need to work on loving yourself first. You have worked hard to get where you are, don't let anyone take that from you.
After college, I lost a lot of weight and was finally confident in my body (down about 50 lbs from my highest weight over a couple years). I met my husband at my lower weight, and gained a lot of excess weight while pregnant that didn't all come off. He still loved (loves) me even when I was at a higher weight.
Basically, when the right person comes along, they will love you for all that you have to offer. Flaws and all.11 -
lunchboxchuck wrote: »If you realize that one guy was not a “better man” then why are you letting his ignorant opinions affect your feelings about dating?
Because I don't want to hear those kinds of comments again, nor do I want to imagine that's what guys are thinking about me. I "pass" for a good looking woman with clothes on so I feel like I'm misleading people and setting myself up for this.
Unfortunately, this is kind of part and parcel to dating for the most part. We all try to put our best foot forward in the beginning and then are scared that once all our faults start to come out, the other person will turn up their nose and walk away.
I think lots of women, many of whom haven't lost a lot of weight, are afraid that the makeup and strategic clothing choices are covering up something they will eventually be judged for.
Maybe you can come up with some way to work into those initial conversations where both of you are having the whole "so this is who I am" talk that you recently lost a lot of weight. This way it's kind of out there. You don't have to go into detail, I don't know anyone who describes all their hidden physical flaws to a potential date! But honestly, most of us when we are out in public are doing some false advertising, even the guys. I wish I could tell you how to avoid judgement and getting your feelings hurt, but I haven't figured that out yet :flowerforyou:14 -
lunchboxchuck wrote: »ETA be up front about your weight loss, if you feel it's really necessary. If things progress down a more physical path, you can fill in the blanks later, but most people know about loose skin and stretch marks, many of them firsthand.
Like just say I lost 50 lbs and let them fill in the blanks? Will that sound like bragging? Do I put that in an online dating profile? Or do I say I lost 50 lbs and it isn't great under there?
Say however much you feel comfortable with. I'd try to work it into the conversation naturally (if you're talking about hiking, mention how much you enjoy your new lifestyle vs before; if it's food, talk about some great foods or recipes you discovered along the way). Not bragging, just matter of fact. Or just straight up say "Hey, I haven't always been skinny, and it shows a little bit. Just in case you were thinking I was perfect. Just mostly perfect *wink wink*" Keep it light. Most guys won't bat an eye.
I also think you might be being a bit harsh on yourself
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lunchboxchuck wrote: »If you realize that one guy was not a “better man” then why are you letting his ignorant opinions affect your feelings about dating?
Because I don't want to hear those kinds of comments again, nor do I want to imagine that's what guys are thinking about me. I "pass" for a good looking woman with clothes on so I feel like I'm misleading people and setting myself up for this.
You are not in control of other people's comments.
Just your reaction to them.
PS: To find a prince, you gota kiss a lot of toads. If you are unwilling to even risk taking a chance then I'm afraid, yes, you will be very lonely.
Don't do that to yourself. 13 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »
You are not in control of other people's comments.
Just your reaction to them.
Well I reacted by not seeing him anymore after wasting month's of each others' time.
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lunchboxchuck wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »
You are not in control of other people's comments.
Just your reaction to them.
Well I reacted by not seeing him anymore after wasting month's of each others' time.
And because of that one experience, you're unwilling to try again?2 -
Ive wondered about this so much. Ive lost 86 pounds. I have loose skin plus another 30ish pounds to lose. Im trying to get more comfortable with myself before I venture back out into dating. Maybe I'll meet someone at the gym and it can casually mentioned that I've lost a ton of weight. Who knows if a guy would translate that into loose skin though.
Good luck. Hopefully we will both find someone5 -
snickerscharlie wrote: »
And because of that one experience, you're unwilling to try again?
I'm not saying I'm not willing to try again. I'm asking how to mitigate this is in the future by being straightforward?, posting unflattering pictures on dating sites?, looking for encouragement from people that have dated with post-weight loss horror shows and ended up happy, etc.2 -
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lunchboxchuck wrote: »If you realize that one guy was not a “better man” then why are you letting his ignorant opinions affect your feelings about dating?
Because I don't want to hear those kinds of comments again, nor do I want to imagine that's what guys are thinking about me. I "pass" for a good looking woman with clothes on so I feel like I'm misleading people and setting myself up for this.
Regarding the bold sentence: the first part you have no control over. The second part you do.
No need to announce your weight loss. Be you. Be confident. Be happy. If anyone "sees" anything other than that in you then they are the wrong person anyway.8 -
No need to announce your weight loss. Be you. Be confident. Be happy. If anyone "sees" anything other than that in you then they are the wrong person anyway.
I am afraid I am attracting the wrong people now that I am not outwardly fat in clothing. They have higher expectations and aren't expecting what's going on under a shirt. But I attracted men that told me to lose weight before, so I just don't know.
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lunchboxchuck wrote: »No need to announce your weight loss. Be you. Be confident. Be happy. If anyone "sees" anything other than that in you then they are the wrong person anyway.
I am afraid I am attracting the wrong people now that I am not outwardly fat in clothing. They have higher expectations and aren't expecting what's going on under a shirt. But I attracted men that told me to lose weight before, so I just don't know.
(You don't have to answer this; just food for thought.) Where are you attracting these men? Maybe it's time to fish in a different pond, so to speak.9 -
I think confidence goes a long way with this. If you show confidence with those stretch marks then the guy shouldn't even bring it up as it's not something that should bother you (in my experience)2
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Speaking as someone who dates women, most people are honestly just happy to get your clothes off! Some guys are d-bags (and some girls, but that's not the point) and they're going to put you down to feel better about themselves. It sucks. But there are people out there who are going to like you for the same reasons others won't. Someone is going to love you for your tiger stripes and extra skin because it shows how strong and hard-working you are. They're going to be thrilled to see your bare skin.
If your self-consciousness about your body is going to hold you back from dating, I say keep trying, and take it slow. You don't have to bare it all right away. Best of luck!18 -
We should be more concerned with who we are on the inside instead of physical attributes. Your true value is in your heart, your personality, your mind, your attitude, your character. It is not in that extra bit of skin or the circumference of your thigh. The challenge is to actually believe that, and your post strongly suggests you do not. I promise you are enough just the way you are!6
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lunchboxchuck wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »
And because of that one experience, you're unwilling to try again?
I'm not saying I'm not willing to try again. I'm asking how to mitigate this is in the future by being straightforward?, posting unflattering pictures on dating sites?, looking for encouragement from people that have dated with post-weight loss horror shows and ended up happy, etc.
I don't see any reason to mitigate it. If dude's a jerk, don't you want to know? I would. It's a great way to weed them out. The main issue is your self-esteem and how those jerks will add fuel to that fire.8 -
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I was quite upfront in my dating profile when I was doing online dating, I think I put something along the lines of "I've made a big change to my lifestyle in the last couple of years, something I am still working towards" and then included some of my active hobbies.
I am still a high BMI and have plenty of wobbly bits, though I have never been particularly self-conscious about them. Usually, the only people who are judging your body are yourself and some R Souls, there's only one of those that you can do anything about. Learn to love your body and be more confident and you'll find dating a whole lot less intimidating.
I don't think it's necessary to put unflattering photos up, but it depends how "flattering" the ones are you are putting up, I have seen a number of friends put up old photos or over-filtered photos and have also been out on dates with people who have done the same thing, I think of it as false advertising. Ultimately when you're doing online dating, it is initially down to physical attraction and that should be based on what you actually look like, not an Instagram-Filtered version. Many of my photos were from active stuff I was doing like Hiking, rather than dolled up, so I had no makeup on and sportswear.
I do find that it was better for me to meet people sooner rather than later when I was doing online dating, that way you're not wasting months only to find out you don't click with someone in person. I went on dates both before and after losing 35lbs and doing a bit of body recomp, I can't say I really noticed a difference. I met some really nice guys and also some of the above mention Rs and I dated one guy for a couple of months last year (didn't work out because of the distance/conflicting work schedules).
I'm now happily dating someone I know through my rowing club, as I say I still have some wobbly bits but it has no impact on the physical side of our relationship. So it's not all doom and gloom.
TL/DR - learn to love yourself and be more confident as a result. There are guys out there who will like you for your true self and ones that won't but you won't find the ones who will if you don't put yourself out there.
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Nope. I was fat my whole life and got turned down regularly , I wasn't good enough to date. I lost a lot of weight and was able to find a date and was told "im glad I didn't meet you when you were fat because I would hve never dated you." I then got married to a different girl and she left cause I got heavy again, lost 55lbs and wasn't given the time of day by anyone. We are always hard on our selves so even had my friends write up a singles add for me since they knew my best attributes and got nothing. I accepted that I will be alone I put weight back on and now struggling to get motivated and back in the gym and working out.11
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firecat1987 wrote: »I think confidence goes a long way with this. If you show confidence with those stretch marks then the guy shouldn't even bring it up as it's not something that should bother you (in my experience)
Thank you.2 -
megbeveridge93 wrote: »But there are people out there who are going to like you for the same reasons others won't. Someone is going to love you for your tiger stripes and extra skin because it shows how strong and hard-working you are. They're going to be thrilled to see your bare skin.
This would be really cool. Thank you!3
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