Has anyone dated after weight loss?
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lunchboxchuck wrote: »No need to announce your weight loss. Be you. Be confident. Be happy. If anyone "sees" anything other than that in you then they are the wrong person anyway.
I am afraid I am attracting the wrong people now that I am not outwardly fat in clothing. They have higher expectations and aren't expecting what's going on under a shirt. But I attracted men that told me to lose weight before, so I just don't know.
(You don't have to answer this; just food for thought.) Where are you attracting these men? Maybe it's time to fish in a different pond, so to speak.9 -
I think confidence goes a long way with this. If you show confidence with those stretch marks then the guy shouldn't even bring it up as it's not something that should bother you (in my experience)2
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Speaking as someone who dates women, most people are honestly just happy to get your clothes off! Some guys are d-bags (and some girls, but that's not the point) and they're going to put you down to feel better about themselves. It sucks. But there are people out there who are going to like you for the same reasons others won't. Someone is going to love you for your tiger stripes and extra skin because it shows how strong and hard-working you are. They're going to be thrilled to see your bare skin.
If your self-consciousness about your body is going to hold you back from dating, I say keep trying, and take it slow. You don't have to bare it all right away. Best of luck!18 -
We should be more concerned with who we are on the inside instead of physical attributes. Your true value is in your heart, your personality, your mind, your attitude, your character. It is not in that extra bit of skin or the circumference of your thigh. The challenge is to actually believe that, and your post strongly suggests you do not. I promise you are enough just the way you are!6
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lunchboxchuck wrote: »snickerscharlie wrote: »
And because of that one experience, you're unwilling to try again?
I'm not saying I'm not willing to try again. I'm asking how to mitigate this is in the future by being straightforward?, posting unflattering pictures on dating sites?, looking for encouragement from people that have dated with post-weight loss horror shows and ended up happy, etc.
I don't see any reason to mitigate it. If dude's a jerk, don't you want to know? I would. It's a great way to weed them out. The main issue is your self-esteem and how those jerks will add fuel to that fire.8 -
I was quite upfront in my dating profile when I was doing online dating, I think I put something along the lines of "I've made a big change to my lifestyle in the last couple of years, something I am still working towards" and then included some of my active hobbies.
I am still a high BMI and have plenty of wobbly bits, though I have never been particularly self-conscious about them. Usually, the only people who are judging your body are yourself and some R Souls, there's only one of those that you can do anything about. Learn to love your body and be more confident and you'll find dating a whole lot less intimidating.
I don't think it's necessary to put unflattering photos up, but it depends how "flattering" the ones are you are putting up, I have seen a number of friends put up old photos or over-filtered photos and have also been out on dates with people who have done the same thing, I think of it as false advertising. Ultimately when you're doing online dating, it is initially down to physical attraction and that should be based on what you actually look like, not an Instagram-Filtered version. Many of my photos were from active stuff I was doing like Hiking, rather than dolled up, so I had no makeup on and sportswear.
I do find that it was better for me to meet people sooner rather than later when I was doing online dating, that way you're not wasting months only to find out you don't click with someone in person. I went on dates both before and after losing 35lbs and doing a bit of body recomp, I can't say I really noticed a difference. I met some really nice guys and also some of the above mention Rs and I dated one guy for a couple of months last year (didn't work out because of the distance/conflicting work schedules).
I'm now happily dating someone I know through my rowing club, as I say I still have some wobbly bits but it has no impact on the physical side of our relationship. So it's not all doom and gloom.
TL/DR - learn to love yourself and be more confident as a result. There are guys out there who will like you for your true self and ones that won't but you won't find the ones who will if you don't put yourself out there.
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Nope. I was fat my whole life and got turned down regularly , I wasn't good enough to date. I lost a lot of weight and was able to find a date and was told "im glad I didn't meet you when you were fat because I would hve never dated you." I then got married to a different girl and she left cause I got heavy again, lost 55lbs and wasn't given the time of day by anyone. We are always hard on our selves so even had my friends write up a singles add for me since they knew my best attributes and got nothing. I accepted that I will be alone I put weight back on and now struggling to get motivated and back in the gym and working out.11
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firecat1987 wrote: »I think confidence goes a long way with this. If you show confidence with those stretch marks then the guy shouldn't even bring it up as it's not something that should bother you (in my experience)
Thank you.2 -
megbeveridge93 wrote: »But there are people out there who are going to like you for the same reasons others won't. Someone is going to love you for your tiger stripes and extra skin because it shows how strong and hard-working you are. They're going to be thrilled to see your bare skin.
This would be really cool. Thank you!3 -
funjen1972 wrote: »We should be more concerned with who we are on the inside instead of physical attributes. Your true value is in your heart, your personality, your mind, your attitude, your character. It is not in that extra bit of skin or the circumference of your thigh. The challenge is to actually believe that, and your post strongly suggests you do not. I promise you are enough just the way you are!
I definitely subscribe to this way of thinking in non-physical relationships. And I know I'm not that picky, even in those, but have had it emphasized so much in my 18 years of dating and a marriage that it's taking a lot to consider it isn't always this way. Thank you!3 -
hobbitses333 wrote: »
My advice, go slow to the naked part of the relationship. I used dating as a means to experience things I wanted to do but not alone, I ate Ethiopian food, went to concerts, went for walks through the park on a nice day, grabbed a mickey of whiskey and got drunk on the beach people watching, went crab fishing and boating until sunset. I had a blast. Many great times with some fascinating people but we just didn't click romantically. I made a few friends I still have to this day tho.
This is awesome! Thank you!1 -
tinkerbellang83 wrote: »I was quite upfront in my dating profile when I was doing online dating, I think I put something along the lines of "I've made a big change to my lifestyle in the last couple of years, something I am still working towards" and then included some of my active hobbies.
I like this!tinkerbellang83 wrote: »
I don't think it's necessary to put unflattering photos up, but it depends how "flattering" the ones are you are putting up, I have seen a number of friends put up old photos or over-filtered photos and have also been out on dates with people who have done the same thing, I think of it as false advertising. Ultimately when you're doing online dating, it is initially down to physical attraction and that should be based on what you actually look like, not an Instagram-Filtered version. Many of my photos were from active stuff I was doing like Hiking, rather than dolled up, so I had no makeup on and sportswear.
I was definitely going to put some active, no-makeup photos and plenty of full body ones. It's just that the worst of my issues are obscured by any clothing besides maybe a bikini (which I don't even own nor would I ever!) so I'm inadvertently hiding most of it.1 -
Nope. I was fat my whole life and got turned down regularly , I wasn't good enough to date. I lost a lot of weight and was able to find a date and was told "im glad I didn't meet you when you were fat because I would hve never dated you." I then got married to a different girl and she left cause I got heavy again, lost 55lbs and wasn't given the time of day by anyone. We are always hard on our selves so even had my friends write up a singles add for me since they knew my best attributes and got nothing. I accepted that I will be alone I put weight back on and now struggling to get motivated and back in the gym and working out.
Yeah I feel this. My ex husband told me we wouldn't have been together if I had been my heavier weight when we met. I'm sorry someone said this to you, too.
I'm trying to accept that I might be alone, too.
I hope you find the motivation to get back to the gym - not necessarily even for weight or physical health. I know it's been a contributor to my overall happiness. Endorphins are great and it's a pretty pleasant way to spend all that free single time for me.
Thanks for relating and sharing your story.5 -
This is such a great topic because we do tend go through so much during a weight loss journey. I remember when I lost 40+ lbs after having my second child. I was very freaked out about the loose skin - the stretch marks made it look worse. I instantly thought I would be happier at a larger size. Now that I am on the journey again after an abrupt weight gain, I am not planning to get back to my normal weight of 110 because I just don't carry it the same.
I think we women are too harsh on themselves. Yes, some may care about what's going on under the clothes....but not all. And I can't imagine why we would want to pick the partner who is going to be overly critical. You're not getting what you're really after in the end so just let it be easy to walk away from that. Love yourself.4 -
ericadcruz32 wrote: »And I can't imagine why we would want to pick the partner who is going to be overly critical. You're not getting what you're really after in the end so just let it be easy to walk away from that. Love yourself.
I seem to have an uncanny ability for picking these people (and they are all really good at hiding it for varying, but too long periods of time).0 -
Not directing this at you OP - some of the replies brought it to mind, but I think it's easy for us to assume all the things going wrong in our lives is because of these damn extra lbs. So we convince ourselves that once the number on the scale is correct, everything else will fall into place, and rarely does that actually happen. I sometimes wonder if this is a factor in why so many people regain. You expect everything to be better, and when it's not you lose motivation and go back to old bad habits.
OP, your replies today sound a lot more positive than yesterday, so I hope you got a little relief out of this thread17 -
Not directing this at you OP - some of the replies brought it to mind, but I think it's easy for us to assume all the things going wrong in our lives is because of these damn extra lbs. So we convince ourselves that once the number on the scale is correct, everything else will fall into place, and rarely does that actually happen. I sometimes wonder if this is a factor in why so many people regain. You expect everything to be better, and when it's not you lose motivation and go back to old bad habits.
OP, your replies today sound a lot more positive than yesterday, so I hope you got a little relief out of this thread
I think you're right. As I've kind of plateaued to where I might settle, everything isn't magical, some people are still terrible, and now I (and the men I am meeting) are fixated on the remaining problems with my body that weight loss not only didn't fix, but made worse. It's disheartening for sure. On the bright side, I'm focusing on the non-aesthetic benefits (I can do a pullup! My resting HR is 45!) instead of looks to keep motivated.
I definitely did get some relief and I'm really grateful to you all for your input. I'm still leery about trying, but have some ideas for moving forward if I get brave.9 -
lunchboxchuck wrote: »ericadcruz32 wrote: »And I can't imagine why we would want to pick the partner who is going to be overly critical. You're not getting what you're really after in the end so just let it be easy to walk away from that. Love yourself.
I seem to have an uncanny ability for picking these people (and they are all really good at hiding it for varying, but too long periods of time).
This is probably cynical, but if you take it a bit slow on the physical side of things, that in itself is likely to filter out some of the frogs from the princes.
If you reach a point where the physical dimension is getting really important to you, you should be able to share with any actually nice guy who really likes you that you're feeling a little self-conscious because your body is different since the recent weight loss. It doesn't have to be some kind of emotional confessional, but can be a lighter comment as that nice pinuplove suggested a few posts back, or flatter him by saying you've been waiting for someone special to come along, so you could feel comfortable . . . .
You deserve a nice, decent guy who values you for you, so it's fine to hold out and go solo until you find one. Someone who puts you down isn't worth having. Confidence is important, and knowing your worth is part of it.
And, no, I don't date, at least not so far. In my demographic (age 63), single women significantly outnumber men, and many of them want women younger than themselves. Further, I'm a difficult placement. On top of that, as a widow who had quite a happy marriage, I feel like I've already been luckier than a lot of people - so many never have a relationship as good, so I'm over quota. If I met the right person, it would happen, but I'm not gonna go looking, and I'm definitely not going to accept a sub-par option. I'm complete and happy as I am.
You're at a different place in life, so I can understand where you're coming from. I wish you all the best navigating the dating scene, and hope you find the perfect guy for you. :flowerforyou:
P.S. The stretch marks can fade over time, too.12 -
Taking offeres here5
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