Getting past the unfair feeling

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Replies

  • MelanieCN77
    MelanieCN77 Posts: 4,047 Member
    Terytha wrote: »
    Every time I think that something isn't fair, i hear David Bowie's voice in my head: "You say that so often, I wonder what your basis for comparison is?"

    What is fair? Who even said anything would be fair?

    What kind of magic spell to use?

    Off topic but with the Bowie/Labyrinth ref I just had to post one of the best birthday presents ever.

    Vans limited edition David Bowie Ziggy Starsust bootees.

    xmtmhjh88kk3.jpeg

    Bought by my son for my 66th birthday. Does that boy know his mum or what.

    Again sorry for the detour, just so excited almost wet myself and had to share.

    Cheers, h.

    On topic. Fair/unfair. Being told at 14 you will never walk again. I did.

    Life isn’t fair.

    Build your story.

    I got the Blackstar slip ons!
  • aokoye
    aokoye Posts: 3,495 Member
    apullum wrote: »
    apullum wrote: »
    I moved and started a new job in the same month I hit my goal weight, so no one I see on a daily basis understands my past.

    That sounds dreamy, but i guess there is always a price to pay.

    I was a postdoc, got extremely lucky to land a tenure track job, and had the privilege of moving to a beautiful new place. I work with and teach some amazing people, we have moderate weather year round, and there are miles of trails outside my door for me to run. Moving will always have some downsides, but for me it was an opportunity of a lifetime.

    That's a dream right there :)
  • apullum
    apullum Posts: 4,838 Member
    aokoye wrote: »
    apullum wrote: »
    apullum wrote: »
    I moved and started a new job in the same month I hit my goal weight, so no one I see on a daily basis understands my past.

    That sounds dreamy, but i guess there is always a price to pay.

    I was a postdoc, got extremely lucky to land a tenure track job, and had the privilege of moving to a beautiful new place. I work with and teach some amazing people, we have moderate weather year round, and there are miles of trails outside my door for me to run. Moving will always have some downsides, but for me it was an opportunity of a lifetime.

    That's a dream right there :)

    If you want to work in academia, it pretty much is :)
  • gradchica27
    gradchica27 Posts: 777 Member
    Perhaps try CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy)—there are some great books out there that help you recognize the thoughts that actually contribute to your unhappy/negative feelings (so finding that thought link between “see thin person” and “be angry”), recognize faulty thinking patterns, and question your own thoughts so you can lessen or eliminate their effect.

    But seriously, stop looking at/reading the stuff that gets you worked up and start reading success stories, preferably with pictures. Those show the work behind the (now) cute body and after you read enough, you start to identify with these people as the “norm” and assume everyone works for their slim body.

    Once someone commented that I clearly didn’t struggle with food issues. Ummm...you didn’t see me at fat camp as a pre teen and you clearly don’t see me busting my butt 1.5-2 hrs a day, 6 days a week lifting. The struggle is real, but others outside my house and gym only see the result (and not that I’m often not even happy with it).

    Everyone has their own issues and struggles. One may be struggling with getting into a size 8 and be envious of the girl in the 4, who is actually upset that she’s gone up a size after recovering from surger, or bc she’s lost muscle bc of illness. So you never know.
  • nowine4me
    nowine4me Posts: 3,985 Member
    Really watch the behavior of “skinny” people, and you’ll notice they leave half of what they order on their plate. They stop eating.
  • middlehaitch
    middlehaitch Posts: 8,483 Member
    nowine4me wrote: »
    Really watch the behavior of “skinny” people, and you’ll notice they leave half of what they order on their plate. They stop eating.

    Have you been spying on me? h B)
  • jo_nz
    jo_nz Posts: 548 Member
    WispyBlue wrote: »
    If it makes you feel better, I was that “she eats whatever she wants and never gains weight.” But the thing is all I ate was whatever I eat when I’m out with my friend and didn’t really eat anything at home. I used to average 500-1,000 calories a day depending but to my friends, it was like I was having high calorie meals and never gaining weight. Generally speaking, most people are in the same ball park of metabolism within their height range, so if someone is skinny or fit, it’s because they aren’t eating as much or working out.

    I was that person too.

    Back when I was a young, skinny student, my workmates or classmates might have looked at me eating and thought I ate HEAPS of food for such a tiny person...but they couldn't see my miserable living situation with flatmates who would take my food, so I just stopped having any at home! So that lunch they saw was pretty much it for the day.
    (I was just ahead of my time - doing OMAD/intermittent fasting in the '90s).

    Of course, when I moved to a happier home, and started eating at home AND continuing my big lunches, that was when I first started putting on weight...I then had to re-learn how much I needed to eat, and could no longer be that person who ate anything and everything when out.

    If someone is a similar size to me, then they are simply not eating all the food all the time and sitting on the couch - they are either eating less somewhere else in their day, or burning off the excess calories. They just are, whether I see it or not.

  • Noblelement1
    Noblelement1 Posts: 1 Member
    One meal does not make a diet. Don’t judge others based on what you’re seeing... just because they look skinny doesn’t mean they’re healthy; just because they eat a large meal or snack around you doesn’t mean they do that all day every day. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle is a long game. There’s always something hidden so never assume you know the whole story.
  • aokoye
    aokoye Posts: 3,495 Member
    I don't remember anyone mentioning this yet, but I just wanted to note that it's ok to not compare yourself to others who have it worse off than you. That's perhaps especially true when doing so only makes things worse. I know more than a few therapists (including my own therapist) who think comparing yourself to others who have it worse is a very bad plan. Then of course there are whole modalities where comparing oneself to others is more or less perscribed - DBT is one of them.

    What's important is that you find what works for you.