Is my husband sabotaging my weight loss? HELP!

james6998

I only had one talk with my husband and it was just after my personal trainer asked about my home environment. I told her he was very supportive. She said, "Oh, good. It's worse if you have a spouse who's totally scarfing Ruffles in front of you."

I went home that day and as I was logging my calories, my husband literally sat on the couch next to me and started scarfing down Ruffles. I don't love Ruffles, but potato chips are my weakness, so we had a talk. I told him he didn't have to stop eating anything, but just not to eat it in front of me because it was triggering for me.

Since then, he's jumped totally on the bandwagon with me and has dropped 15 pounds. It's difficult at times for spouses to know their roles -- it can go the other way, too, such as sometimes he asks, "Should I take that away from you?"

It's a tightrope for them sometimes.

Nailed it, that was exactly what point i was trying to make. Well said.

james6998

Btw you said belly fat? Ironically enough they blame sugar for the belly fat deposits, yes i know its genetics but I have to agree, was the one place i was packing it on. Before our diet i use to eat those sour worms by the tubs. Belly fat is really really hard to come off.

BeachIron

You really dont understand how bad food poisons your body and mind until you cut yourself free of it.

the food shaming inherent in so-called "clean eating" is nonsense. utter nonsense.

^^This. And when you realize that "certain" food is not the enemy, you'll find it much easier to resist the temptation to over-indulge.

Get over it, no such thing as clean eating we all know but its a common term for not eating processed junk and such. Not food shaming its fact. Certain foods will alter the way the brain functions.

lulz

tlou5

Thank him and tell him you appreciate it but have no will power and ask him to ration it out to you. That is what I do with treats in our house. I have a HUGE sweet tooth but no will power and if have access tend to go crazy, so I just ask my hubby to hide it out of sight and ration me one piece of chocolate or cookie or whatever it is that fits into my calories for the day. Strange I know but seems to be working for me.

Achrya

Btw you said belly fat? Ironically enough they blame sugar for the belly fat deposits, yes i know its genetics but I have to agree, was the one place i was packing it on. Before our diet i use to eat those sour worms by the tubs. Belly fat is really really hard to come off.

.....

I don't know bro, I'm over my sugar limit everyday (And it ain't fruit. I've got a cup a day Ice Cream habit to support) and my belly fat seems to be coming along pretty nicely.

You know what I find works really well for body composition? Heavy lifting/strength training. If you're just trying to 'reduce' in one area but are overall satisfied with your body then maybe it's not 'weight loss' so much as changing the way your body looks. Just a thought.

HeidiCooksSupper

Ask him to bring you flowers instead.

Yup, that was my first thought, too. Sometime when you are cuddling say, "Honey, you know how you are such a darling to bring me chocolates? You know what would really make me all cuddly is if you picked up flowers just for no reason at all." And then snuggle some more.

Luckily, many supermarkets have bouquets of flowers that don't cost very much and you can make

Ed98043

I only see 5 days of logging in your diary...is that how long you've been counting calories? I do see that 3 of the 5 days you've logged about 800 calories worth of Galaxy-something, I assume candy. Plus cheesecake, ice cream, Lindor chocolate...is he buying all that for you?

I think if I'd already had a talk with my significant other more than once about caloric gifts and he brought them home again, I'd thank him sweetly, take them straight to the toilet and flush them, then hand him the wrappers or empty bottles. That might get it through his thick head (and would take care of the temptation of having them around).

candylilacs

Food addiction and alcohol addiction are not the same. You don't have the option to simply stop eating like with drugs or alcohol and so you Must Learn To Deal.

Part of dealing with a food addiction and "learning to deal" is joining MFP and learning about nutrition. It's also about doing work on underlying issues. Food addiction or compulsive overeating isn't really about food, it's about issues and lacking coping skills. The latter has to be dealt with first.

If you can not learn to have a healthy relationship with food you will fail.

At what, exactly? Life? Your job? Your opinion of someone? In rhetoric, that would be considered a false dichotomy. There are very few either-or decisions in life. I have ceased making such proclamations. I fight being negative and judgmental and now I'm trying to focus on connection and compassion.

If you catch your husband eating chocolate in secret (which sounds absurd, but would be his only option if he wanted to enjoy it inside the house) are you gonna tear it from his hand and shove it in your mouth? Forcing the world to fit you doesn't fix your issues, it just smoothes them over until the inevitable relapse because you never taught yourself how to cope with your trigger foods.

I don't know how most people deal with issues in their marriages. In my relationship we listen to one another and try not to hurt one another. That doesn't always happen but it's definitely a goal.

To you, this may sound as if I'm being unreasonable, controlling and sadistically punishing my husband for my weakness rather than improving both our diets. To me, your husband sounds selfish and disconnected and it seems like you often make excuses for his behavior.

After working on the underlying issues that cause compulsive eating or food addiction, most people become equipped to start resisting triggers and gain strength. Everyone has his or her own journey to make.

Achrya

Food addiction and alcohol addiction are not the same. You don't have the option to simply stop eating like with drugs or alcohol and so you Must Learn To Deal.

Part of dealing with a food addiction and "learning to deal" is joining MFP and learning about nutrition. It's also about doing work on underlying issues. Food addiction or compulsive overeating isn't really about food, it's about issues and lacking coping skills. The latter has to be dealt with first.

If you can not learn to have a healthy relationship with food you will fail.

At what, exactly? Life? Your job? Your opinion of someone? In rhetoric, that would be considered a false dichotomy. There are very few either-or decisions in life. I have ceased making such proclamations. I fight being negative and judgmental and now I'm trying to focus on connection and compassion.

If you catch your husband eating chocolate in secret (which sounds absurd, but would be his only option if he wanted to enjoy it inside the house) are you gonna tear it from his hand and shove it in your mouth? Forcing the world to fit you doesn't fix your issues, it just smoothes them over until the inevitable relapse because you never taught yourself how to cope with your trigger foods.

I don't know how most people deal with issues in their marriages. In my relationship we listen to one another and try not to hurt one another. That doesn't always happen but it's definitely a goal.

To you, this may sound as if I'm being unreasonable, controlling and sadistically punishing my husband for my weakness rather than improving both our diets. To me, your husband sounds selfish and disconnected and it seems like you often make excuses for his behavior.

After working on the underlying issues that cause compulsive eating or food addiction, most people become equipped to start resisting triggers and gain strength. Everyone has his or her own journey to make.

1. I agree that compulsive eating isn't about food, but about issues and coping skills and that these issues must be dealt with first, by learning to have a healthy relationship with food. If you don't learn how to deal with issues and have a healthy relationship with food, you will fail at maintaining weight loss because your underlying issues remain. Which...is exactly what I said to begin with. But It seems like you agree. Not sure what you're trying to argue, since you're saying the same thing I am. :huh:

2. I wouldn't label you as unreasonable and controlling, but rather selfish and disconnected and making excuses for yourself, actually. Sadistically punishing your husband? Maybe; I would say to put that kind of label on things I'd have to know how he felt about it.

You want the food choices in your home to be about you and your issues and your poor impulse control/coping skills and he just has to go along with it. In my home all food is allowed and it is on the individual to deal with their issues. That is my choice, because I've already done the 'I can't have XYZ around me because I'll eat and it just has to be kept away because I have issues and can't stop myself!' thing.

I was 200+ pounds as a teenager. I didn't get there by regarding food in a healthy manner or by having will power, I got there by eating my feelings and wallowing in a pit of self hatred. I let my mother purge the house of anything that she saw as unhealthy (which wasn't much) and I let her make me special meals and she wouldn't let my siblings eat sweets in the house. She coddled me and here I am, ten years later, losing weight again because instead of living in reality and dealing with all the temptation around me, I just had temptation taken away.

That isn't a mistake I'll make again.

NavyKnightAh13

1. No

2. Instead of asking why he brings home snacks ask why you have to eat them. Just because you have decided to make a change doesn't mean everyone else has to change, it means you *have* to change, and that includes your relationship with food. There will always be temptation, unless you become a hermit and live alone underground, and that includes your home. My husband isn't on a diet and so eats like he always has; I don't ask him to change for me but rather I changed myself.


You have to learn to confront that temptation and deal with it.

This. I have had to learn to not eat fast food simply because my husband does (or if i do I get something light and "healthy") and that my body can't handle eating the same amount he does. I tried getting him to change but he quit within a week or two.

I can't force him to change nor should I have to.

I have been doing this lifestyle change by myself for a year and a half and honestly, I like it better that way.

Brige2269

Ask him to bring you flowers instead.

My idea exactly!

fiberartist219

What did you do when he gave them to you?

Did you politely refuse the gifts? Or did you smile big, say thank you, and gobble them up?

Take responsibility for what you eat. You CAN control what you do and don't eat, even if you can't control what he brings home.

Also, does he know if you're serious? I mention little things I think about to my husband all day long, but just because I say "Oh, I should do XYZ" doesn't mean I'm actually going to do it unless I say "I"m doing XYZ on Tuesday." Make sure it is clear what your goals are and what you are trying to do. He might also take you more seriously if you ask him to go for walks with you or to help you find some healthy veggies and fruits.

I have to be honest, I get really annoyed when women come on the message boards to blame their failures on someone else. Take control over your own life. If your husband has control over whether you achieve your goals or not, you've given him too much power. It is YOU who determines your own success.

glowgirl14

We're (for the most part) bashing on someone who is asking for advice. I don't think that's fair. If she was able to immediately say no, or have one bite and save the rest, she WOULD NOT HAVE POSTED. : )

I think...if we assume the husband is not trying to sabotage, and that she knows this is a problem and is working on it...but isn't THERE yet, the chocolate does sabotage her. How many of us did not do a pantry purge at some point during this journey? Find a way to keep our snacks separate from our families' snacks? We did not wake up able to avoid our triggers.

For me...I have lost significant weight twice in my life. This time, I am blessed with a BF who snacks mostly on foods I wouldn't have touched at any time in my life. He eats salads with me, and reminds me if I have a few drinks to check my calories. He treats me. With things like my fitbit. Or new clothes that don't quite fit yet so that I can have something to aim toward. I liked the idea someone said about asking for other things for treats...snacks you like, a new dress, a new yoga mat...whatever.

The first time, my ex knew my triggers. He did really well for the most part, and I did too...But occasionally, there would be the gesture treats. Something that I love, but don't have very often. For my 25th birthday he got me an enormous box of this expensive chocolate that I love. I cried. It's the one thing I knew I could not say no to. As I sobbed, and he sat there bewildered...I told him that it hurt that I was working so hard, and he was bringing this into the house. I told him I would have loved a tiny package of this, to savor and enjoy. But this big box belonged to Pandora. All the evils in the food world I'd been avoiding until I was stronger. We made a deal. He kept the chocolates hidden, and would bring me ONE when he wanted to give me something special to cheer me up. Or if I asked for it. One didn't break my diet. It did not tempt me. And as I progressed on my journey, I got stronger. I could look past the cakes and cookies and ice cream, and yes, even the dreaded chocolates. I did eventually get to the place where I could have what I wanted to, and say no to the rest. But if the OP can't right now, she can't. She obviously realizes this is a problem and is working on it, but hasn't gotten to that place yet. How dare anyone judge someone else's weakness? We all have them.

This is supposed to be a place of support.

snookumss

if it would help, ask him to do something else as an alternative. Or buy tiny portions of such.... only one or the other? My sweetie is the same... bringing home poptarts or suggesting a drink or two after a long day. I love him to death.... he knows me so well!

Temple_Fit

I had the same problem. When he buys my favorite sweets I divide it up and give it to the kids and then leave him to deal with the sugar rush :laugh:, or I'll throw it away when he isn't looking. When he ask me if I want him to cook, which is usually unhealthy, I tell him sure but I'm not eating.

RunningForeverMama

My husband brings me home Mike's, I can fit one in my calorie goals often. Only problem, sometimes after one I don't care about my calorie goals. :laugh: I buy my own chocolate.

If you don't want him to buy it for you tell him. If he does it anyway don't eat it. Let it pile up and when he brings more thank him and tell him he didn't need to do that because you still have what he bought before.

bobbi29

I have a friend that I've known for 7 years her husband does the same ****. she has been trying to lose 30 lbs for that long , it sucks when they do that, next pour liquid soap all over food and dump in trash in front of him , to let him know you are dead serious..

Yeah, that doesn't sound psychotic at all, and I'm sure would go over much better than having a calm and rational discussion with your husband.

love it just made me giggle.

laele75

It cannot be repeated enough. No he is not sabotaging your weight loss efforts. What you need to do is make certain in NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that you state until further notice that you would prefer a different treat when he is feeling generous. The flowers is a good suggestion.

That way he can still continue those romantic gestures we all adore and you don't have to worry about fitting chocolate in your diet. If he slips up, remind him. People are creatures of habit. It's too easy to fall into that habit completely unamaliciously. Keep giving him suggestions. Or tell him to surprise you with non-food things. So he has to work a little at it.

Tum22

I am also getting this. People aren't very sympathetic on here! My other half likes all the usual take outs and he's on holiday with me for three weeks so we are eating out virtually every day. I've stopped filling in my food diary until he goes back then maybe I will try again.

Only advice is try filling up as much on whole grains, sweet potatoes and low GI foods or raw fruit and veg so you won't fancy the crap foods. Iced water also imo tastes horrible with chocolate.

Perhaps your OH feels guilty about you dieting and wants to spoil you with a treat.

Good luck!

bob_day

Ask him to bring you flowers instead.

Yes, Ask him to bring you flowers instead. And if he brings you
more chocolate, apologize to him and immediately throw it down
the toilet in front of him, to let him know you're serious about
weight loss. Then apologize again and do something nice
for him.

honkytonks85

It is possible for partners to not want their partner to lose weight due to some insecurities - but that doesn't sound like the situation here. A husband bringing you food is not sabotage. Just talk to your husband and say you would prefer to avoid temptations like that. Because I have a compulsive eating disorder, I have to ask my partner to keep any things I am likely to binge on out of sight (eg. hidden in the cupboard).

jayjay12345654321

Chocolate and alcohol used to destress you. You trained him well! But now you need to figure out what destresses you instead of choc and alc and fill him in. I wouldn't pour soap on it and trash it, that's kind of mean, lol. The guy's just trying to make you happy. Tell him what works EVEN BETTER than choc and alc nowadays is ... and when he does get the new thing for you, make a big deal about it. Big thank yous and such.

CandelLife

Wow!!! I just looked in your food diary and you had chocolate fudge cake for breakfast and then for lunch plus Galaxy Chocolate Counters at dinner!!! You also had it last night too, are you eating the entire cake yourself??? Is this some new diet I never heard of? I'm sorry, I started out so sympathetic but there's a point where you have a slice "for them" when you shouldn't and then there's simply blaming them for eating the entire cake yourself. Must be nice to have someone else to blame.

Seriously, talk to him nicely and if he does it again, remind him nicely that you said you were not going to be eating those things anymore. If he continues doing it over and over, ask him why he's doing it when it's NOT A NICE THING TO DO. And then throw it in the garbage can.

Whatever you do, do not continue taking it with a smile and scarfing it down and then blaming him because you can't lose weight. YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOU.


Looking back further, you have a steady habit of eating sweets and cakes - honey you have a problem for sure, and it is not your husband.

xapril77x

Lucky gurl! ;-) Haven't read all the posts but from the initial post U wrote it seems like he's just being sweet... Just tell him it makes it hard 4 u when he brings those things home & THEN if he keeps doing it you'll know his intentions...

pinkraynedropjacki

Just because it's there does not mean you have to eat it. The only person that can sabotage your weight loss is you.

xapril77x

It is possible for partners to not want their partner to lose weight due to some insecurities - but that doesn't sound like the situation here. A husband bringing you food is not sabotage. Just talk to your husband and say you would prefer to avoid temptations like that. Because I have a compulsive eating disorder, I have to ask my partner to keep any things I am likely to binge on out of sight (eg. hidden in the cupboard).

Same here... Don't think it's necessarily binge eating but my husband knows not 2 bring cupcakes or things of that sort home because I'll devour them in 1 sitting! I have a major sweet tooth!

princessrisariri

I was moaning today how I had way gone over cals with drinking last night, and moping around with a hangover, he comes home from the supermarket with cider and cheesecake to 'cheer me up'

I have put the cider away for another day or another week.

I took the cheesecake to work with me (overnightshift), and will fit it into my cals somehow.

Last week he bought me Dance Central 3 for kinect to help my exercising, and even joined in with me so I felt less stupid so he gets it right sometimes He also fished out his old HRM for me - pity it is broken.

Point is sometimes our loved ones are going to get it wrong when trying to help, but their heart is in the right place.

I told him off a little for it in a joke way but if he wants to buy me chocs he will, if I keep them in the fridge he wont buy more until they are gone and I can just have a little treat here and there.

I bought him a huge tin full of chocs back from hol and haven't succumbed to temptation to eat the lot, so willpower grows from within if you have temptations around all the time.
Removing all the treat food from around you will just mean the second it is put there you are not used to resisting so give in and scoff the lot!

jayjay12345654321

Wow!!! I just looked in your food diary and you had chocolate fudge cake for breakfast and then for lunch plus Galaxy Chocolate Counters at dinner!!! You also had it last night too, are you eating the entire cake yourself??? Is this some new diet I never heard of? I'm sorry, I started out so sympathetic but there's a point where you have a slice "for them" when you shouldn't and then there's simply blaming them for eating the entire cake yourself. Must be nice to have someone else to blame.

Seriously, talk to him nicely and if he does it again, remind him nicely that you said you were not going to be eating those things anymore. If he continues doing it over and over, ask him why he's doing it when it's NOT A NICE THING TO DO. And then throw it in the garbage can.

Whatever you do, do not continue taking it with a smile and scarfing it down and then blaming him because you can't lose weight. YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOU.


Looking back further, you have a steady habit of eating sweets and cakes - honey you have a problem for sure, and it is not your husband.

woah. she made me curious, so i looked at your diary, too. your sweet tooth is costing you 1000 calories a day. and if you're drinking alcohol, you're not logging any of it, so that will be in addition to the 1000 calorie surplus over what should be your max. you are eating a ton of chocolate most nights, but you're also eating ice cream cones, cheesecake, high cal fruit cake, 2 quarter pounders and lots of other things he's not buying you. you can still eat what you want, but when you max out your calories, which are already set 600 higher than most people's who are trying to lose weight, and add another 1000 in chocolate and other high sugar desserts, you're sabotaging yourself. it looks like maybe you just started dieting since your diary only goes back a week? try starting anew sunday and log as you eat so that the calories don't get away from you. it's easy to assume it's less than it is and not learn otherwise until everything gets logged at night if you only do it once a day. tomorrow is a new day. fresh start!

ragingmrs

I love my husband dearly, we have been together 10 years this year and he loves me no matter what weight I am. The only problem I have at the moment is that I am trying to increase my exercise so that I can loose fat but my husband keeps buying me chocolate and alcohol just when I seem to be getting somewhere. I know he thinks he is being nice and only doing it to de-stress me after a long stressful day, but I really can't say no to chocolate if it is in the house. <snip>

My husband and I have gone through similar issues. They think they are trying to take care of us and make us feel better or celebrate when really they are *unintentionally* sabotaging us. If he is like mine you might be able to get him to change if you tell him enough times. Really *you* need to muster the strength to deal with it.

CandelLife

Wow, after all this today you posted candy for lunch and Chocolate Fudge Cake for dinner. You don't really want to change? Are you tied to a chair right now with your husband force feeding you and recording the food for you?