WHY do people CHEAT?

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  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
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    I have not read this entire thread but just chiming in that I think most women I know who cheat are doing it because they've reached their late 30s to early 40s and their husbands have started to treat them like "Mommy" (to the kids but also kind of to HIM) instead of wife/lover. They want to be treated like a girlfriend again while they're still relatively young, but they don't want to actually get a divorce and uproot everyone's lives.

    I've never cheated, not a mom, etc. But I see this a LOT. This scenario usually seems to be the reason. Quite a few of them do end up leaving in the end, but others go back to their husbands and don't cheat again.

    Truth. I am mid-30s and experience this from time to time with my own partner. Sometimes, it feels less like I am a partner and more like an unwilling parent and maid. Which yes, is infuriating. Particularly if I keep having the SAME conversations over and over and nothing changes.
  • BasedGawd412
    BasedGawd412 Posts: 346 Member
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    Me and my hubby allow each other this freedom every now and then. Of course it‘s not called cheating anymore when you have permission. But to get there where we are today took a lot of communication. We both cheated on each other after being together for 5 years for the excitement. We are 26 years together now and super happy with each other. It can be a positive thing for some couples.

    Who cheated first?

    Does it matter?

    It does.
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
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    Me and my hubby allow each other this freedom every now and then. Of course it‘s not called cheating anymore when you have permission. But to get there where we are today took a lot of communication. We both cheated on each other after being together for 5 years for the excitement. We are 26 years together now and super happy with each other. It can be a positive thing for some couples.

    Who cheated first?

    Does it matter?

    It does.

    Explain to me why, please.
  • Diatonic12
    Diatonic12 Posts: 32,344 Member
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    Boredom, mostly. Bored out of their minds. :p When a husband starts calling their wife 'mother' that's just Norman and the Bates Motel all over again. Don't let your husband call you 'mother'.
  • BasedGawd412
    BasedGawd412 Posts: 346 Member
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    Me and my hubby allow each other this freedom every now and then. Of course it‘s not called cheating anymore when you have permission. But to get there where we are today took a lot of communication. We both cheated on each other after being together for 5 years for the excitement. We are 26 years together now and super happy with each other. It can be a positive thing for some couples.

    Who cheated first?

    Does it matter?

    It does.

    Explain to me why, please.

    Because I have questions for the specific poster.
  • GaryRuns
    GaryRuns Posts: 508 Member
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    Me and my hubby allow each other this freedom every now and then. Of course it‘s not called cheating anymore when you have permission. But to get there where we are today took a lot of communication. We both cheated on each other after being together for 5 years for the excitement. We are 26 years together now and super happy with each other. It can be a positive thing for some couples.

    The concept of consensual non-monogamy is interesting but it certainly isn't for everyone. You have to be really good communicators and jealousy can, understandably, be really difficult for some people to overcome. It's also very much against societal norms, and so, for many people, it can be a risk to their place in society, job, church, family, vanilla friends, etc.
  • 4legsRbetterthan2
    4legsRbetterthan2 Posts: 19,590 MFP Moderator
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    Me and my hubby allow each other this freedom every now and then. Of course it‘s not called cheating anymore when you have permission. But to get there where we are today took a lot of communication. We both cheated on each other after being together for 5 years for the excitement. We are 26 years together now and super happy with each other. It can be a positive thing for some couples.

    Who cheated first?

    Does it matter?

    It does.

    FWIW I was curious too

    I guess it leads me to wonder if one gender has an easier time understanding and/or forgiving a partner who cheated than the other gender?
  • 4legsRbetterthan2
    4legsRbetterthan2 Posts: 19,590 MFP Moderator
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    I have not read this entire thread but just chiming in that I think most women I know who cheat are doing it because they've reached their late 30s to early 40s and their husbands have started to treat them like "Mommy" (to the kids but also kind of to HIM) instead of wife/lover. They want to be treated like a girlfriend again while they're still relatively young, but they don't want to actually get a divorce and uproot everyone's lives.

    I've never cheated, not a mom, etc. But I see this a LOT. This scenario usually seems to be the reason. Quite a few of them do end up leaving in the end, but others go back to their husbands and don't cheat again.

    What's the difference in treatment between "mommy" and a girlfriend?

    I can't speak to this with any real accuracy as I'm not a parent. But from talking with friends, I get that it's more of a habit than a conscious decision for a lot of their husbands. A way of treating the mother in the family like a de-sexualized female who is in charge of all things domestic, and no longer an individual or a lover ("girlfriend"). Women I know who have had affairs at this point seem to love the attention of a man who is viewing them more as an individual with her own interests & ideas that are completely NOT related to the kid(s)...and a sexy female...rather than "just the mom of his kids". For a lot of women this is extremely appealing and some of them are very desperate for this type of attention, especially if their husbands (some of them) started treating them as The Mommy immediately after the 1st child is born.

    Please know I don't think this has to happen, by any means, nor does it happen in every marriage...I know A LOT of couples who have never fallen into these patterns, or only VERY briefly after a child's birth.
    But it does seem to happen.

    It definitely happens.

    Other causes I have seen:
    Some women are really uncomfortable with their body and self image and have a hard time being intimate after having a kid. Or changes that directly effect sex (scars and what not). Most people understand and observe the 6 week rule, but sometimes things are all back to normal even by then. That can also be a tough hurdle for a couple to overcome, especially if it always just natrually clicked so well, and suddenly it's not.

    You lose alot of day to day personal contact when the kids are around. When it was just the two of you there is usually quick kissed, hugs, a touch when you walk by. You lose alot of that once kids are in the picture because they require all of this too. Little touches outside the bedroom have alot to do with what happens inside the bedroom in most relationships.
  • LAT1963
    LAT1963 Posts: 1,375 Member
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    There's probably a whole section on this topic in bookstores.

    I have no idea why people cheat. Unless its a diet cheat and the paramour is chocolate.
  • cee134
    cee134 Posts: 33,711 Member
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    Have we figured it out yet?
  • glassyo
    glassyo Posts: 7,619 Member
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    LAT1963 wrote: »
    There's probably a whole section on this topic in bookstores.

    I have no idea why people cheat. Unless its a diet cheat and the paramour is chocolate.

    vr7xrz5fwvq2.jpg
  • 4legsRbetterthan2
    4legsRbetterthan2 Posts: 19,590 MFP Moderator
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    glassyo wrote: »
    LAT1963 wrote: »
    There's probably a whole section on this topic in bookstores.

    I have no idea why people cheat. Unless its a diet cheat and the paramour is chocolate.

    vr7xrz5fwvq2.jpg

    7apvx41le76s.png
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,497 Member
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    cee134 wrote: »
    Have we figured it out yet?

    Nope
  • KosmosKitten
    KosmosKitten Posts: 10,476 Member
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    Caporegiem wrote: »
    For me personally it happened during a dull point in the relationship when I was at a bit of a low. There was someone I'd known my entire life and as her and I got to talking it came out that we had always had a bit of thing for each other since we were kids. Temptation got the best of us and it happened, numerous times. We eventually decided it couldn't go on and stopped meeting up, which lead to us not talking as often any longer. It's a little awkward now seeing her at family gatherings but she's my cousin and makes great potato salad so what are you going to do?


    i have some good reaction gifs but every one would get me banned

    Boo. I wanna see em.
  • Finishiitnow
    Finishiitnow Posts: 896 Member
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    cee134 wrote: »
    Have we figured it out yet?

    Please let's all figure out!!!
  • Reckoner68
    Reckoner68 Posts: 2,139 Member
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    Cheat 2 live
    Live 2 cheat

    !!!1!
  • Motorsheen
    Motorsheen Posts: 20,497 Member
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    Caporegiem wrote: »
    For me personally it happened during a dull point in the relationship when I was at a bit of a low. There was someone I'd known my entire life and as her and I got to talking it came out that we had always had a bit of thing for each other since we were kids. Temptation got the best of us and it happened, numerous times. We eventually decided it couldn't go on and stopped meeting up, which lead to us not talking as often any longer. It's a little awkward now seeing her at family gatherings but she's my cousin and makes great potato salad so what are you going to do?

    This potato salad.

    Could she share the recipe?